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26
26
Review of PUN-ishment  
Review by BScholl
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very fun. Similar to my "Now That's Punny" story. Of course, mine has more puns, but that's just WATER under the bridge. The dog should have been a Portugese Water Dog, or perhaps a Water Spaniel. LOL.

Only one minor issue: This guy seemed less than worried that his basement was now a giant swimming pool.


I've been writing Flash Fiction here for about three months and I have yet to really get a routine down. It just seems that the story takes shape without you even realizing it. Then bam you have an idea for an ending.
27
27
Review by BScholl
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

Suggestions/Fixes:

Just a fair opening sentence. "was" is a passive verb. Perhaps: "Alexis's cellphone rang when she rushed outside the court doors."

Punctuation: "How dare he call after putting me in this situation," she mumbled.

Misspelled 'situation'

Misspelled 'suing'

"She was suing some random guy for hitting her fathers truck and it did a zero damage to her fathers truck." Awkward sentence. I'd change 'some random guy' to his name, or a description of him.

Issue: How do you hit something and do zero damage? Perhaps: minor damage

"He just wanted more money then ..." Should be 'than'

Issue: She hadn't seen her since she was eight? That's pretty unbelievable (I assume she's an attorney? -- needs to be clarified) if he's using her to win court cases.

"Pulling open the truck door that needed grease she..." Let me, the reader HEAR this. "Pulling open the truck door the ungreased hinges groaned, she heaved <---- good verb!

I'd delete "inside and sat in the seat" and replace with "behind the wheel of the old Ford."

"On the tissue was number." I think you meant 'was a phone number'

Delete "Instead of blowing her nose". This action is obvious to the reader NOT to occur.

You are telling the story, but not letting the reader EXPERIENCE things. Use my senses. Let me hear what you want me to hear. Let me see what your mind's eye sees. Taste. Touch. Smell. Describe it. Let me FEEL it.


Verbs -- Action for the plot -- moves the story along. Keep me interested.
Detail -- sensory touch, see, hear, taste, smell... flavor to the story soup. Force me to see what your mind sees. Hear what your ears do.
Word choices -- emotion... pick that word that fits just OHHH.... so well. Slide it in there and steer that reader. Make me laugh. Make me cry. Make me angry.

"headed two towns over." SHOW this to me. Let me see the traffic... "She pulled out of the parking lot, and edged into the throng of traffic. Several gravel trucks spouted black smoke into the air. The smell of diesel turned Alexis's stomach, and she rolled up the window." See the difference?

"cool air conditioned" Redundant. Delete cool. Plus air-conditioned should be hyphenated.

"were sitting" is passive. Perhaps, "Two laughing ladies lounged on plush office chairs, and quelled their giggling when Alexis approached the counter."

Break out the dialogue. It's much easier to read and follow. Plus it gives the piece a more pleasing aesthetic look. It doesn't look like a 'wall of words.' Like this:

"May we help you?" The fifty-something red-headed lady asked.

"I want to rent a place." (We don't need a tag here. It's obvious Alexis is talking.)

The second gray-haired, chubby lady arose and slid a book toward Alexis. "Here, it's a book of places."

"I don't need a book Ms." Alexis stated. "I want ...."

" The aparentment was nice and spacious." Very passive. I can't see this. Describe it. Does it have a fireplace? An island in the kitchen? A skylight? Vaulted ceiling? Misspelled: 'apartment'

Misspelled: 'down'

"She told her how she was moving out and she had her suit case already." More telling. What was said? Let me hear the conversation. Was the mother upset? Happy? Concerned?

"No bed" should be italicized with a comma.

Issue: Why would she run? She's in an apartment. How often does an adult run in a house?

What did the blanket look like? Made of? Feel like?

"grabbed food" What kind? Nachos and Salsa? Pizza? Was there a refrigerator? Stove? Microwave? Delectable Microwave meal?

I'd change the last sentence to Is this really what I want? and italicize for thought.

Just a mediocre last line.

You have a lot of adverbs. Words like earnestly, unexpectedly, likely, certainly, fortunately, always are all as one reviewer of mine put it "lazy description" and should be avoided. Let the reader determine if it was unexpected or fortunate. If you write the sentence well enough with great word choices, the adverbs become unnecessary. The reader will come to the conclusion that something was unexpectedly, fortunately, etc. A lot of time you can delete the adverbs and it often reads better too. Try it! You'll see. Search out all those -LY ending words.


Plot (C minus) I know this is a series, but the opening part is just non-climatic, with no real resolution.

Grammar & Spelling (D) For such a short story, this had a lot of problems in this area. Just needs to be proofread. If you have questions, just get out a novel and look at their punctuations. Go to dictionary.com and check. It takes work to write.

Word Choices (C minus) You have some great action verbs at times, but your descriptions are very passive. You mix a lot of passive verbs in with the action verbs too.

Character Development (C Minus) We know a few bits, but not a lot. Why has she not seen her father since she was eight? What's her profession? Where's her mother? Why does she want to move out? Where did all the cash come from? Lots of questions!

Creativity (C) I guess I'll put this a bit on hold, but this opening part is just so-so in this area.

Overall (C minus) Needs a lot of work, but you can do it. You have a lot of spirit to write. I can see that. Build on your excellent verbs and choose more descriptive words and let the reader experience what you write... Show it.

Best Line: "She brushed her blond hair and stepped inside the air-conditioned building." Ooooh! I can see those brushed blond strands. I can feel the goose-bumps of that air-conditioned building.
28
28
Review of The Last Day  
Review by BScholl
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

Suggestions/Fixes:

What is the purpose of the trip over the root?

Strange opening sentence... Guess I'll find out what relevance this topic sentence has??

Issue: "A wise old man" How do you know he's wise? Met him before? He could be a foolish man... no?

Issue: "the smoke... rose into the night" Then "A majestic brown owl" How could you tell what color the owl was at night? How do you know he's majestic in the dark? Perhaps he flies over the full moon?

Issue: "knowing he was the only one left who might know the answer." And how would you know this? Perhaps you've wandered for days and he's the only one you've met?

"As a fresh dawn broke over..." Is this the old man's story? Should it have quote marks?

I like the descriptions, but you are doing quite a bit of telling of the story. Giving examples of "raging torrent of flames quickly spread" and "trapping screaming workers". Perhaps "the raging torrent of flames started first in a run down warehouse of stored office supplies and spread unbridled to adjacent buildings" This is more specific and gives the reader a mind's eye view. You have excellent details, but not specific enough. Also, perhaps "one elderly woman screamed as she dangled from a fifth floor window, the flames creeping closer until she let go and fell to her gruesome death on the pavement below". You can see this.

Need to explain a bit more what the pod system is up front. Why is it important that the fire reached it "in just a few short minutes"?

"The few roads left in the city were in disuse and littered with potholes and mounting piles of abandoned junk and sprawling fauna." This is a good example. You are being very descriptive, but not specific. Few roads... how few? Half as much as they used to be? With potholes... The size of what? Were there gigantic ones or just a lot of them? Piles of junk? Such as? "rusted remnants of automobile parts -- rims, fenders, hoods, and pieces of tires" Sprawling fauna? What kind? "sprawling thistles and dandelions with several rabbits and moles inhabiting some of the larger tufts of grass"

"unused to" Word choice...

Issue: Why does this old man need to tell this story? Who is our main character and why is he so far out of the loop?

You have a lot of adverbs. Words like quickly, piercingly, likely, rarely, fortunately, always are all as one reviewer of mine put it "lazy description" and should be avoided. Let the reader determine if it was unexpected or fortunate. If you write the sentence well enough with great word choices, the adverbs become unnecessary. The reader will come to the conclusion that something was unexpectedly, firmly, etc. A lot of time you can delete the adverbs and it often reads better too. Try it! You'll see. Search out all those -LY ending words.

Wordy in many places. You need to 'tighten' your writing. (comma error after "want to")
"Of course it didn't take long for the government to find out about the devastation, they have their sources after all, and when they want to the bureaucrats will work quickly and without hesitation. In the end they did the only thing they thought they could in response to the violence and anger directed towards them. They shut it down. They ended it all."
Could be: "The government knew about the devastation. They reacted without hesitation, and responded with the only thing they knew to do. They shut it down -- ending it all."

Who is this old man? Was he part of the higher ups in government perhaps?

"It was..." This is the worst start to any sentence. It -- What is it? Was -- a passive verb. I don't have many hard and fast rules in writing, but starting a sentence with "It was..." pains me. Often you can 'flip' that sentence, insert an action verb, and the reader will love it. It was... just lies there. Being the last sentence, and a statement for the piece this needs to be stronger.



Plot (B) A decent plot. Futuristic story with a good build to climax, but your resolution and who the characters are falls a bit short IMO.

Grammar & Spelling (B plus) Solid here

Word Choices (C) Several places that your details are too vague and non-specific. Word choices are like the spices to writing, otherwise your piece is bland. I hope this is what you bring away from this review more-so than any other comment.


Character Development (D) Who are these people? They just are "there". Very shallow in where they came from... where they are going to... who they are. This is by far the weakest part of the piece.

Creativity (B plus) Futuristic destruction of a drug addicted populace. Kudos. Not totally unique, but you put your style into it.

Overall (C) Whew. I liked the story, but the vagueness and shallowness of the characters just didn't work for me, a reader. I couldn't picture a lot of what you described -- only in very general terms. The characters need a LOT more background and back story for this to be a better work.

Best Line: "The roaring furnace melted cables and cremated those who couldn’t join the crowd bursting through the wide, glass doors into the brilliant morning sunlight." I can smell those melting cables, see that hot fire, and a panicked crowd bursting through the doors. Excellent.
29
29
Review of Pandora's Box  
Review by BScholl
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

Suggestions/Fixes:

"It was..." This is the worst start to any sentence. It -- What is it? Was -- a passive verb. I don't have many hard and fast rules in writing, but starting a sentence with "It was..." pains me. Often you can 'flip' that sentence, insert an action verb, and the reader will love it. It was... just lies there. "I whistled down the sidewalk in the early morning light when I stumbled upon a large crowd gathered around a peculiar stranger."

How would you be aware of WHEN he came? "In the middle of the night"?

"set up shop" is a cliche. You should attempt to avoid these.

"The salesman was tall..." How tall? 5'5" would be tall to my aunt who is 4'10"... Over 6' perhaps? Did he have a lanky frame? Remind you of Abe Lincoln? (dress coat and top hat?)

"... that will cure any illness..." Verb tense issue. "Would cure"

"He amazed the crowd with his wonders." How? Did he perform tricks?

"When the crowd thinned, I begged ..." What did you say? What words did you use? Did you get down on your knees? Did you fold your hands? Offer to scrub his horse? Show me. Don't tell me. Use me: The Reader's ears, eyes, touch, taste, smell... Show it all to me. Reveal it. Make it real for me.

He sneered, telling me... What words did he utter? Did he blow me off because I was a child?

"My curiosity raged out of control." Really? What were you thinking? Did you feel there were elephants in there? A trip to the moon? What was your greatest desire?

You have a lot of adverbs. Words like gingerly, quietly, carefully, nervously, fortunately, always are all as one reviewer of mine put it "lazy description" and should be avoided. Let the reader determine if it was unexpected or fortunate. If you write the sentence well enough with great word choices, the adverbs become unnecessary. The reader will come to the conclusion that something was unexpectedly, fortunately, etc. A lot of time you can delete the adverbs and it often reads better too. Try it! You'll see. Search out all those -LY ending words.


Plot (C plus) The con man scenario with a decent climax and resolution. We don't know about the boy's situation or the salesman's either. I don't know whether this was story with word limits or not.

Grammar & Spelling (B plus) Not bad in this area.

Word Choices (C) Not a lot of great word choices here. Needs way more action verbs. Here's your first ten verbs: was, saw, joined, had set up, was, wore, held, sold, amazed. Not horrible, just average.

Character Development (D) This is where this story is very shallow. We know nothing about the boy or the salesman as far as their pasts. Perhaps you were going for an "anyone" or "every day person" feel. Also if there was a word limit, this makes depth difficult.

Creativity (C minus) A typical con-man come to town story with only a moderate twist of the box being empty.

Overall (C minus) Not a bad storyline. Just one that needs more action, better word choices, and deeper characters to go along with it.

Best Line: "With a golden grin, he said that who ever opened the box would have their greatest desire fulfilled."
30
30
Review by BScholl
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

Suggestions/Fixes:


What color is the cot?

You would know she has a hangover how? How are you "certain" that she is confused?
Two POV violations.

Walking how? You aren't describing it, you are telling it.

Home? What kind of home? You are telling again.

Sick? Did she have the measles? Telling.

Someone asked her... Oh? What words were used? "She had asked" is passive.

They just opened the door and she climbed inside... Telling again.

You changed POV's in this paragraph to Jessica.

Now? When is now?

“…she not at home.” I think you meant “… she’s not home.”

How do you know what she will or won’t realize? Another POV violation. YOU can speculate, but you don’t know what’s happening inside someone else’s head. I’d reword this entire paragraph. I like the descriptions, but the “inside Jessica’s head” is impossible.

“We are in a Michigan basement.” I’d either delete or describe why this is important.

“I watch her head quickly move around the room.” -- quickly? Finally? You have a lot of adverbs. Words like frantically, unexpectedly, likely, certainly, fortunately, always are all as one reviewer of mine put it "lazy description" and should be avoided. Let the reader determine if it was unexpected or fortunate. If you write the sentence well enough with great word choices, the adverbs become unnecessary. The reader will come to the conclusion that something was unexpectedly, fortunately, etc. A lot of time you can delete the adverbs and it often reads better too. Try it! You'll see. Search out all those -LY ending words.

“I know her actions from the previous night have brought her here…” Needs reworded. Doesn’t make sense. I think you meant “I know her actions from the previous night when she was brought here, …”

She… She… She… repetitive starts to sentences.

“I watch her scrape…” Telling. All the way through. Does this narrator feel anything? Why does the POV keep changing?

Issue: If this is an angel (guessing at this point), they would not say this: “I can think of no reason why God would want to save this spoiled young teenager.” God’s viewpoint would not be this. God would want to save all. An angel would know this.

I go through the wall to the other side and understand God’s intentions immediately. I make myself visible. I went back and have this comment… WHERE did you make the narrator visible? In the room with the oriental girls? In the wall? This was very confusing.

"What did you do?" A voice answers from the other side of the wall. I assume this is the narrator?

Created with her fist? She dug with her fists or her fingers?

Glimpses another room. What kind of room? What did it look like? Telling.

“…gowns with colorful patters” I believe you meant ‘patterns’.

The feeling of immense guilt rises in her gut and she looks away. POV issue again. This whole story really needs revised to put it in one POV. Going back and forth detracts from the story.

“She had heard on the news about the problem with child trafficking,…” Too convenient. I assume this is a teenager (not explained or described) and most would not know this. In their world, they might hear about this in passing but would not necessarily connect her situation to it.

“Jessica looses all feeling in her legs…” I believe you meant ‘loses’.

Punctuation: “God,” she whispers, “Get me out.”

“All she sees is the woman standing in front of the hole she had dug making the hole larger.” Doesn’t make sense. She’s just standing there and the hole is magically getting bigger?

“She listens…” Who is she in this sentence?

Issue: “It is small and rectangular, but unlocked.” Not believable. A person trapped enough to begin digging and she didn’t check the window? Really? The most obvious method of escape?

“Everything,” was not the answer she expected. Mixing who is talking with the thought of another is not advised.

“Jessica does not respond, instead opting to work in silence.” Seems wordy.

I = Zofeya and is now in third person. POV issues again.

Issue: The bed = cot? A cot is very light weight. We have seven people here. Lifting it would be no problem.

“an ill maintained fire” and what exactly does that look like?

Trees? What kind of trees?

“It will be good cover.” -- POV issue. There’s no way she could know for sure. She can think this perhaps, speculate. Show some thoughts here. Whisper it or something.

“She aids the five girls,…” Telling.

“Jessica sees a brown, camoflague pants” I think you meant “Jessica sees brown, camoflague pants”

“…that terrified her.” Verb tense change. ‘Terrifies’

Yells of angry men… What were they saying? Telling.

“Believe and you’ll be save,” I believe you meant ‘saved’

“…from a large distance.” Large distance? Word choice.

Punctuation: “I love him,” she thinks, “I love you God.”

“God sent me you, an angel.” Come again?

Huh? She’s dead but not dead? What??? She leaves her body and then goes back? HOW? It’s not like it healed itself. Did the angel touch it? Blood is flowing out of her body. Not believable unless there’s a supernatural explanation shown.

Sirens resound? Who called the police? Where are they? Were there other people around? Too many questions for an ending.


Plot (C plus) Not the most coherent story I’ve read. The plot climbs and climbs and the climax just sits there, with no real resolution.

Grammar & Spelling (D plus) Way too many missing words, punctuation errors, sentences that didn’t make sense, misspellings, etc.

Character Development (C) We just don’t know enough about the main character (Jessica). The POV changes and flips so often it was difficult to follow who was saying what and why?

Creativity (C) If I knew the point of the story, perhaps this would be higher, but it’s lost in the confusion.

Overall (C minus) A spiritual story, that doesn’t create a sense of the supernatural, but rather describes many things, but never really explains the character’s backgrounds. The reader is left to guess. This story has serious POV problems. I wish I could rate this higher.


Best Line: “The cool fall breeze stings her face slapping her with a leaf as it passes by waking her from her petrified state.”
31
31
Review of The plot thickens  
Review by BScholl
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

Suggestions/Fixes:

Need a period after "...following me."

You need a speaker tag for your first dialogue. I figure it's Sharon speaking, but... better to be clear.

"It was..." This is the worst start to any sentence. It -- What is it? Was -- a passive verb. I don't have many hard and fast rules in writing, but starting a sentence with "It was..." pains me. Often you can 'flip' that sentence, insert and action verb, and the reader will love it. It was... just lies there. Perhaps: "The weight of the situation bore down on Sharon." OR "Overwhelmed, Sharon's concerns drove her over the edge." Something like that.

I'd break "Emily asked..." sentence into two. You have two people doing two different things. Just delete 'and'. Put a period after phone.

Change out 'had sworn' and put 'swore'. This is less passive. 'had discovered' in the very next sentence too. 'discovered' is better.

'had been killed' How about just 'died'... you use the word 'HAD' a lot and it's wordy.

Ahhhhh... "It was..."

Why a 'scrap of paper'? Why not just say a receipt here? "Sharon discovered a receipt for a pack of cigarettes. The intriguing issue being that her parents didn't smoke."

Had been purchased... had been miles... had been in the house... I feel like a 'had been' prospector. Let's mine out some o' those had beens!

ISSUE: There's a break between Emily and Sharon's conversation -- the scrap of paper find, then to the lawyer, and a judge then back again. This doesn't transition well.

How long is this after the judge ruled the receipt inadmissible? A week? A month?

ISSUE: I'm no lawyer, but would a store show just anyone their surveillance tapes?

Punctuation: "I'm ok. I'm just thinking about everything..." Sharon sighed. "I hope we can save her."

ISSUE: Would Emily actually say this? "Mom?" Who else could Sharon be referring to? I'd think it would be more like. "Me too sis."

Punctuation: big sister assured, "but tell me again why..."

Why was it getting louder in Mom & Dad's room? Maybe since this is the writer's focus of the story then the 'typing sound' came from there? OK. I'll buy that.

Period after ...throat.

Punctuation: "Someone was there," Sharon insisted.

Perhaps: "Emily wasn't asking questions, and Sharon knew what that meant. She didn't believe her."

Punctuation: "I'm not crazy," she said. Sharon's voice whined that made it difficult to believe her. (also perhaps)

"It was...." AAAAAAHHHHHHHH AAAAAHHHHHHH. Sorry.

Cart before horse syndrome. "When Sharon turned around she screamed. There was a man standing right in her living room." Why would she scream BEFORE she realized a man was standing there?

Punctuation: "Don't be afraid," He soothed. (I like the tag.)

Comical? Word choice perhaps.

? after you.

Home phone? Did she have another choice? A grocery store phone perhaps? Why not her cell phone? That's what most people would reach for first IMO.

Ohhhh. Now we go for the cell. OK. I don't delete much in reviews as I like to go through with fresh eyes and make curious thoughts. Helps flow.

I like the ending. A bit of comedy.


You have some, not a lot of adverbs. Words like earnestly, unexpectedly, likely, certainly, fortunately, always are all as one reviewer of mine put it "lazy description" and should be avoided. Let the reader determine if it was unexpected or fortunate. If you write the sentence well enough with great word choices, the adverbs become unnecessary. The reader will come to the conclusion that something was unexpectedly, fortunately, etc. A lot of time you can delete the adverbs and it often reads better too. Try it! You'll see. Search out all those -LY ending words.


Plot (B) Ah, the writer/character plot. You play it well.

Grammar & Spelling (D) Really, really need to work on passive voice, punctuation, and ACTIVE verbs.

Word Choices (B) Not bad here. I like most of your descriptions.


Character Development (C) Hmmm. Falls apart here. Sharon, Emily, Mom, Dad... Nothing special really. No flashbacks. No thought patterns. Nothing to significantly set this family apart and make them special.

Creativity (B) Seen this... actually several times. Still you put your own stamp on it and it is a bit comical at the ending.

Overall (B minus) A quaint little piece that all writers can relate to. Writing a story and coming up with the twists and turns of a particular story. It's almost as if you do 'talk' to your characters and ask... ok what next? Would be a 4.0 without all the punctuation distractions.

Best Line: "I guess all writers stalk their characters; the good ones at least."
32
32
Review by BScholl
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

Suggestions/Fixes:

First, let me say how incredible your resolve is. It's not easy to live day after day with sickness, especially when that sickness is a child's.

Second, this of course is a literary review and does not reflect on the story itself, but rather the writing.

"Some days Its ok." Should read "Some days it's OK."

"...light in a childs disease." Child's s/b possessive here.

"... in thinking 20 pills a day..." Twenty s/b spelled out.

STOP: The opening paragraph. You are telling the story, but not showing it well. For example, "I can ignore when she coughs and when she tells someone with her sweet little voice in passing she has a cold and I can smile and keep going with out having the urge to tell them it isn’t really a cold, that to call it that would be like calling cancer a bug or aids the flu." This is really a touching sentence, but it could be more.

Add dialogue. Tell us what she said. Show me. Tell me about the old lady that passes by and makes a comment like, "Oh, dear. You are a sick one." Daughter: "I've just got a cold." A cold, INSERT DAUGHTER'S NAME. That's like saying cancer is a bug. This is something the reader can see and hear. Show that.

Other sentences of telling, but could easily be converted into seeing, hearing, tasting, feeling, etc. --

"Some days I can hold my breath while she coughs and then ask her questions like what would you like for lunch?"
"I can act like it doesn’t pull at my heart, like I’m not every-single-time saying a prayer in my head fighting to keep my legs straight and not bow down on my knees right then and there."

There needs to be more paragraphs and better structure. Adding dialogue will tear down the wall of words which often turn readers off.

"... know realize that children are dyeing of this." S/b dying.


Plot (C plus) This could be a very touching read, one that could pull the reader in and bubble a well of tears to the end.

Grammar & Spelling (B) Not bad here. Most spelling and punctuation is fine, except as noted above.

Word Choices (B) Many passive verbs and repetition. There needs to be a lot more showing and replacing with action verbs.


Character Development (B minus) I don't even know your daughter's name. I feel your raw emotions, and see some of your daily pains. But showing those would help the reader understand, feel, and create that emotional punch in the gut that is necessary with this piece.

Creativity (B) Not sure I can give much of a grade here, given it's non-fiction. So, I'll stick with a B.

Overall (C plus) I like many of the descriptions, I just wish that it was shown so the reader could feel it. The touching story of a mother needs to come through more. Introduce yourself and let the reader experience a little bit of that soul.

Best Line: "Today I cry, my body heaving and my head aching with never ending relentless thoughts." I don't know what thoughts, but the image is poised and could be great.
33
33
Review of Hope  
Review by BScholl
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

Suggestions/Fixes:

Good first sentence, but I’d combine it with the next three to make one paragraph though.

I might put quote’s around: “Genetic engineering had become the Devil’s tool.” I also think you meant Devil’s.

Just combine the “God is punishing us.” With the prior paragraph and delete “That’s what they said.”

“… but not perfectly so.” Perhaps “but shards of light somehow filtered in.”

I’d delete “But we could hope.” Perhaps “We had little else.” OR “Directly battling them would be useless.”

I’d delete the word “abruptly.”

Not a bad piece for flash fiction. You have a knack.


Plot (B minus) Not one of your better pieces, but not bad. Needs more personality or action one. I’d pick one and re-write.

Grammar & Spelling (A minus) A fair amount of passive verbs especially from you.

Character Development (C) Hard to judge this on this particular piece. It’s a civilization review type piece that doesn’t introduce a character. Perhaps giving the drone some personality?

Creativity (B plus) You do have a wild imagination.

Overall (C plus) I think you’re trying for a feeling of despair which only partially works. The lack of characters hurts you here. Plus, there are many unanswered questions – infected, horribly disfigured face, “they”, “and all that good stuff”, etc. Too many really.


Best Line: “We playfully pointed our genetic manipulations at each other and then pulled the trigger – so to speak.”
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Review of Compu-speak  
Review by BScholl
Rated: E | (4.0)
Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

Suggestions/Fixes:

First read through: Very cute and inventive

You have several adverbs right off in this piece: Proudly, hurriedly. As one review told me – Adverbs are lazy description. They tell what is happening, but do not show or let the reader come to that conclusion.

There’s also many passive verbs in your opening paragraph. This paragraph above all the others needs a bit more bite. Get the reader interested. Try not to use: walk… use hurried for instance OR change “have been so excited” to “I unpack the gleaming beauty still mired in shipping tape, while I glance at the empty hulk of my old printer that I relegated to the corner only hours before.” This the reader can picture.

“I wait for the driver install and with hurried movements plug the USB cable in.” I think you meant “I wait for the driver to install…” Hurried movements? Perhaps: “my fingers with lightning speed plug …”

The word “as” can be deleted nine times out of ten and two sentences created. “I smile. I can see by the progress bar…” reads very well.

Issue: “Heil Hitler!” Computers were not even around back then. Plus even if they were, the language would be so upgraded that there’s no way a modern computer would “speak” it. Add in the term download and we have a protocol (He He Hee) issue.

Pewter slaps… Hmmm. Word choice: Perhaps shocks or buzzes.

Issue: Same with the Camera. WWII was way before any peripherals for computers. I understand it’s suppose to be humor. Just pointing out the obvious conflict.

Issue: The fax is unplugged and still speaks? Or is just the telephone line disconnected?

Nice last line.


Plot (B plus) Cute. I liked it. Clean up the first paragraph and give some good action verbs in there. The climax and resolution happened all in the last line, but the reader expects it. All climaxes don’t have to be gotchas.

Grammar & Spelling (B minus) A few odds and ends here and there. They are outlined above. I’d like for you to go back and review the story and use some more descriptive word choices here and there.

Character Development (B) I liked the international flavor of the machines. We don’t get to know the user much. It would be nice to see a flash or two of what he’s like.

Creativity (B plus) This reminds me of my flash piece, “Dictionary Blues”. Very good in this area.

Overall (B) I enjoyed reading this little story. It had a lot of “geek” humor in it mixed with common computer stuff. I’d really try to work out the issues above.


Best Line: “You may need to learn Spanish if you want to get to know her better.” Pewter whispers to Sam “She’s a cheap knockoff assembled in Mexico and doesn’t have enough circuitry to learn English.” LOL.
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Review of Fox Paw  
Review by BScholl
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

Suggestions/Fixes:

“sitting” just doesn’t seem like the right word choice. Perhaps: Perched? Hung?

Passive verbs: Here’s the first paragraph of your verb choices. Was sitting, was, were cracked and fused, were waterless, had to drag, had been, would have, watched, pause, take. Notice something? Almost every one of them is passive. Was, were, had, has.. etc. Needs more action verbs to let the reader “in” the story not just watch it.

Question: Why was this child (?) so overheated? Did I miss something?

“My birth father scowled beside me, then whispered a curse.” Go ahead. Tell us what curse. It makes it more real.

Second paragraph is much better: Scowled, whispered, spun, crushed, stomped, slammed… Yeah!

Excellent paragraph three.

Confused: Why was a van (presumably with mom driving?) speeding away and leaving only one child behind? Why didn’t all the kids go? Huh?

Paragraph four is a lot of telling (and confusing). I liked a lot of the descriptions, but I didn’t get to feel like I did in the prior paragraph(s). Of all the paragraphs, this one needs the most rework to show some event.

I like the ending. It ties into the title where before it meant little. I understand the release of writing and now I understand your perspective if even a little more.



Plot (C plus) Confusing in the next to last paragraph. I waded through it and got the gist, but that part needs reworked IMO. The beginning paragraph needs way less passive verbs too.

Grammar & Spelling (B plus) Other than passive verbs, the spelling is excellent, and the grammar is very good. Not much to change on this front.

Character Development (B) I understand, yet I don’t. The situation is defined and it’s not. That’s the feeling I get after I read the piece. It just needs a bit more clarification I think. Ashame if you are limited here. Concentrate on para 1 and 4. IMO.

Creativity (B plus) Not many stories like it. I still don’t get why the “thirst” at the beginning?

Overall (B) A good solid retelling of an event in life. I’d like for the reader to feel the thoughts more of the child. Your descriptions and similes are excellent. “waterless rocks in my head” “became a sun baked desert canyon” “My Payless sneakers smacked the earth, tat, tat…” “That mask was like the light barb on a dragon fish…”. Imagery is top rate.

Best Line: Pain, after all, is just another sensation. Accept it and it’s not so bad. I learned to see victory without the end credits reading ‘Happily Ever After’. This twist was one I as a reader enjoyed. It gave me an understanding of this child that was not there before. Nice.
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Review by BScholl
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

Suggestions/Fixes:

I love the hickish storytelling banter of the narrator. First rate.

There are a few words that are difficult to decipher – Hooer, pert near.

Issue: Why would a ghost need to throw rocks at a window to wake him up? He’s a ghost. He can just go into his bedroom without risking waking anyone else up.

Issue: How would he know these things if he didn’t do them? Cops probably wouldn’t divulge the brake line cut, the arson, and the purple face. Just a thought really. Could happen though in a backwater town.


Plot (B) I could see the ending about half way into the story, which really lessened the climax. Otherwise very entertaining.

Grammar & Spelling (Incomplete) Can’t really give a grade here for obvious reasons. However, there is some consistency issues in his speech a few times. Then again… he’s a hick.

Character Development (B plus) The narrator is given a real personality and that’s the only one in this story, but that’s all it needs too. Uriah is expounded on a bit (possibly expanding a bit more would push this to an ‘A’ – perhaps many of the pranks could be a mirror of what Uriah did long ago.)

Creativity (A) A story that is entertaining, fun, and very creative. You definitely put your own style and stamp on it.

Overall (B plus) The only real suggestion is to possibly have the narrator hiding and arrested at the end. To me the ending is given away too soon. I like a story that lets the reader dangle (especially one like this that has mystery, intrigue, and a supernatural feel.) Of course, the narrator could be lying too. 

Best Line: “I wanted to keep him to myself and all. I kinda felt ... I dunno, proud , I s'pose, that he picked me, ya know? And we was just havin' fun, really.” I like this line. It really goes to the heart of what the narrator is.
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Review of The Scarecrow  
Review by BScholl
Rated: E | (4.0)
Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

Suggestions/Fixes:

The opening paragraph is just not “gripping”. It languishes about and describes the land, but really doesn’t let the reader EXPERIENCE it. “A river passes through a wide farm land surrounded by three gigantic mountains in the Western Ghats of the Indian subcontinent.” Instead “A snake-like river wound its way through the heart of the fertile farmland of the simple Indian village. Three gigantic mountains towered over the scene like watchful sentinels upon the valley.” I think your verbs need upgrading to show more action and less passive describing.

“It was a…” Starting off a sentence like this is extremely passive and should be avoided. Try just switching your sentence around: “A week before the Holi festival and the village was ecstatic. The play of color to celebrate the coming spring was at the forefront of every villager’s mind.”

Issue: It’s the crack of dawn and all the villagers have already noticed the scarecrow? Did she do this the night before, and no one advised the Sarpanch?

Adverbs: angrily, furiously, quickly – as one reviewer said to me is “lazy description”. They tell what is happening, but do not SHOW what occurs. Furiously is a good one. “Amrithlal murmured to himself angrily, and stripped the lifeless figure furiously.” Perhaps “Amrithlal muttered to himself, ripped the Saree from the lifeless figure, threw it to the muddy ground and stomped on it in disgust.” Many times as in the case of angrily, the adverb can be just deleted. They are unnecessary in most contexts.

“For the next few hours the villagers heard the Sarpanch raise hell out of his little hut, but as expected, nothing of his wife.” A bit lazy here. To really understand the culture here this needs expanded. Show the reader what happens!


Plot (B) A folksy tale of equal rights and the stubborn methodology used to bring this line of thought to the community. The story focuses a lot on background and present. The climax is decent, but the resolution falls a bit flat with just a one line ending. Solid.

Grammar & Spelling (B plus) Overall good. There are several word choices and issues with verb tenses and passive voices.

Character Development (B) The interplay between Sarpanch and wife is amusing and really creates this story. I’d have to say in most cultures the wife would be allowed to die or they would execute her summarily for being disobedient.

Creativity (B) Again a folksy tale which has it’s elements of creativity. Nicely done.

Overall (B) A solid story with too many passive verbs. The reader is not “let in” to experience the villagers lives. No description of the huts they lived in outside the first paragraph for instance.


Best Line: "Leave the kids alone, husband, and if you continue screaming out loud like this, you will be the enemy of your reputation." A bit of a chuckle.
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Review by BScholl
Rated: E | (3.0)
Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

Suggestions/Fixes:

Issue: “Goodbye.” Perhaps should be in Russian.

What relation is there between Ifen and Isabelle?

Where are they headed? “They were crossing the border of the unknown.” Doesn’t quite get it for the reader.

It’s a bit confusing at first as to whether they are on the shore or on the boat.

Issue: Atlantic Ocean? Russia? I don’t believe they have a port with the Atlantic.


Plot (B minus) A pretty ‘normal’ story. Not a lot of twists.

Grammar & Spelling (A) Nicely done here.

Character Development (C minus) Only a few hints of this pair. Sisters? Cousins? A Couple? While I’m certain the story is suppose to illicit emotion, it does not quite get there.

Creativity (C plus) Not terribly creative, but I like the descriptions.

Overall (C) I think the main issue with this story is a lack of action verbs. Other than “startled” “blared” and “wrenching” there’s no verb in the story that stands out and makes the story ‘special’. Also, you need to go to see, hear, and feel (described below) more.

Best Line: “On shore a band played and people were cheering, waving and shouting, “Goodbye!” A loud speaker blared over the din, declaring last call. A handful of people broke through the masses and scrambled up the gangway.” Really nice descriptions here. Better: What song were they playing? What exactly was the loud speaker spewing? Describe what the ‘handful of people’ looked like. The reader needs to see, hear, and feel.
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Review by BScholl
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

Suggestions/Fixes:

Opening really shows her vanity.

Love the description of her. Detailed.

Try deleting the adverbs. They really don’t do much. For instance this sentence reads just fine without them (perhaps even better):

“Ingrained in sky blue silk, the short flow finished just above her knees, draping lower to the right and hugging her widening stance at her thighs like a receiving blanket to a newborn devoid of creases.” AND

“The textile lined her torso, tightened at her waist by a belt of the same material, black, enhancing her slender form.”

Watch point of view: “To think that he had survived so many of those deadly missions, taking several steps forward on the bureaucratic chain to the lucrative position he currently occupied, or did, only to be murdered by his scorned wife, twenty-seven years his younger with a memento from his spy days.” Also this sentence is exceptionally long. Keep the POV with her. This is a vanity piece. Let her describe everything.


Plot (B) We get some glimpses and hints at her and her husband’s situation. Maids = rich. I would like to see and know more as a reader. Good solid plot though.

Grammar & Spelling (A) Great descriptive words. Structure and grammar are very good.

Character Development (B plus) Nat is well developed. I’d just like to know more about her husband – why she thinks he cheated. What missions he narrowly escaped from. How rich they are. Etc.

Creativity (B plus) Very good in this area. A bit dark and wonderful emphasis on her vanity. It would be a bit of a twist to know that he really didn’t cheat, even though she thinks so.

Overall (B plus) A good read. Keep the emphasis on her the whole way. Really dive into the depravity of vanity she feels. Go all out and this could be a real gem.

Best Line: “She considered the possibility that she may be a sociopath, thinking only of herself.” Leads directly into her psyche.
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Review of Demon at the Gate  
Review by BScholl
Rated: E | (4.0)
Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

Suggestions/Fixes:

First read through: A good plot. Held my attention. Reads very smoothly. I really like your opening paragraph. Strong with enough of a mystery to pull the reader in.

“Brandon realized Riley eccentricities when he first moved…” I believe you meant “Riley’s” possessive.

“…Sarah -- a really nice goth chick -- came over…” Just can’t put my finger on this, but I don’t like the description. Why the highlighting of her being a ‘goth chick’? What’s the importance here? It never surfaces again in the story. When you use dashes to separate out something, that’s usually a point of emphasis.

“How he retained the key,…” Retained? Perhaps obtained would work better here.

POV issue: “When asked by the other two about his behavior, he…” This story is told from Brandon’s POV mostly. Then there’s a shift here. Actually, I think this story would work much, much better with a first person POV with Brandon being that person. The reader would feel much more emotion and understand the thoughts of Brandon.

“…but nothing more than a man stood with hands in pockets of Italian designer…” I believe you meant “in THE pockets of…”

Nearly a half inch taller than Brandon… Without a reference of how tall Brandon is, this means nothing to the reader.

“…began to extend his hand toward.” I believe you meant to have ‘her.” at the end of this sentence.

“The man smirked an looked at Brandon.” I believe you meant “and” not an.

“…of his transgressions lay before.” This needs reworded IMO. Perhaps “…and could see all of his past transgressions.”

“Riley commanded, open book shaking…” I believe you meant “the open book shaking…” Nice visual BTW.

"Can't you see. This is not going to end well." – Excellent foreshadowing here.

“Riley stared back intensely probably considering each word precisely before responding to the demon.” Needs reworded and delete all the adverbs. “Riley stared back considering each word before responding to the demon.” See. If you delete them, it reads quite well. Adverbs are lazy descriptions.

"I want to be rich," Riley blurted out. Issue: Riley considered his response and then just blurted out that? Inconsistency.

“The three of them climb up the stairs.” I believe you meant “climbed”

Issue: So, Brandon wasn’t arrested? Hard to believe.

Good ending. A small twist (which I actually figured out), but none-the-less good.


Plot (A) Nice. At times riveting, and one of the better stories I’ve read in a while. Solid background, build up, climax, and resolution. Excellent.

Grammar & Spelling (C) Ouch. Too many errors here. Word choices, left out words, etc. This needs cleaned up. Also, think about those adverbs. Most of the time – they just aren’t necessary.

Character Development (B) We really get a feel for Riley and a bit of Brandon. As I said, this story would read much better in first person IMO.

Creativity (A minus) Fantasy with a lot of intrigue.

Overall (B) The Grammar/Spelling/Word Choice issues really detract from what could be a great story. Cleaning this up and making it first person could produce a five.


Best Line: “It reminded him of the heat waves you saw in the distance while driving in the desert.” Awesome line. The reader really visualizes this. Everyone has experienced this in some form.
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Review by BScholl
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

Suggestions/Fixes:

Delete space after “phone. “

Exclamation points should be seldom used in normal writing pieces. “What the heck!” This one could go either way.

… New York very soon, “D… Move “ back a space and put one between “ and Dinah.

“Dad and Gary had perched down on the sofa” I’d delete down here. Perched is a good verb. Down seems to get in the way.

“I closed my eyes shut again,…” Huh? That needs reworded IMO.

Nice ending, even with the fast forward in time. I would have foreshadowed this a bit in the opening somehow.


Plot (B plus) Really solid throughout. A great family story, with some personal twists and opinions (just like most families).

Grammar & Spelling (B plus) Again solid. Just few spacing issues and perhaps a comma out of place.

Character Development (A minus) Bettie and Pete are great with a wonderful dish of supporting characters. The Dad I think could be a bit deeper and I think it could be quite comical.

Creativity (B) I can’t say it’s totally unique, but you’ve put your personal writing stamp on it. Well done. The second run in to a tree seemed a bit much. Perhaps another type of clumsy issue would work better. Just a thought.

Overall (A minus) Just a nice story. Quirky at times. Personal issues thrown in. An overbearing mother. A flippant father.

Best Line: "George, pray better!" Mom ordered. "Are you telling me how to pray?" Classic.
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Review of New Beginings  
Review by BScholl
Rated: E | (2.5)


Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

Suggestions/Fixes:

Title is misspelled. “Beginnings”

“Although she had never really had much of liking for women, over the twelve months she had clawed through at the corner shop it had sunk into distaste” What? I’ve read this five times and still don’t ‘get’ this sentence. I’ll give it a shot: Jenny didn’t like women, I guess because they were … something??

“some women will sink…” Verb tense “some women would sink…” Plus, comma after “to”.

“another two learner driver car”? What’s that?

“Garth had said…” Too passive. “Garth insisted she would…” “Garth emphasized she would…” “Garth guaranteed…” “Garth shouted, yelled, screamed, verified…”

“Selling double glazing…” STOP! Where did this come from? What is double-glazing? Was this the old job or the new one?

“The taxi driver had hinted as much, the child minders over enthusiasm confirmed it and her Dads blank ignorance of the Sunday phone call this week made her stomach feel as if she had swallowed a large ball of elastic bands.” Egads this is a long sentence. What does the taxi driver have anything to do with anything? What taxi? Dad’s is possessive. Should have the apostrophe. I’m having trouble picturing “blank ignorance” but no problem at all picturing and feeling the swallowing of a large ball of elastic bands… Brilliant!

Well, I know that double-glazing is the old job now.

“heaven forbid it outshone the delusional witches.” The reader has no reference. The opening paragraph eludes to certain women being something and so does this one. Tell me what happened. Explain it to me. What occurred? Did Jenny have a falling out? What words were exchanged? With whom? Where? Was there a quirky malfunctioning toaster oven present? TELL ME.

Usually “by god” is capitalized.

I’m guessing a learner driver is a British thing. Research shows: A new driver about to sit for the driver’s exam. A bit confused. Two learner drivers come by? Odd, but ok.

“Of course it wasn’t Craig, Craig wasn’t playing hard to get, Craig was playing some kind of friendship card and he drove Jenny crazy, still this was Jenny, it isn’t much of an achievement” Run-on sentence. I think there are three here. Plus three Craig’s so rapidly in succession bogs the reader down.

Jenny felt like writing… Hmmm. This confused me at first. Texting and writing are two different things in my mind.

Childminder… or child minder. Which is appropriate? Space? Or no space?

This story is all over the place.



Plot (D) What plot? You lost me early and it just rambles from Jenny’s thought to thought to thought. I’m not even sure this thing ended. It certainly had no climax for me.

Grammar & Spelling (C plus) Perhaps (I’m guessing) it’s a British barrier here, but there’s enough above to point out.

Character Development (C) Jenny is pretty much the only character here. There are several mentioned, but none we get to know. I feel Jenny meanders from thought to thought, job to job, item to item and doesn’t really stick to anything. Other than that… nothing is readily apparent.

Creativity (C minus) I’m not even sure what this story is about. Dreams of a misguided woman perhaps? The reader never gets the sense that Jenny is right about her perceptions or views, just that she has them and then she’s off to the next thing.

Overall (D plus) Just rambles. Nothing else comes to mind. A lot of telling, but little of letting the reader see, hear, feel, experience. Way too many long sentences. Many were run-ons.

Best Line: “Well, it was the job she had just ran from, charged from, escaped from maybe.” Action verbs. You get to feel what Jenny feels here a little.
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Review of Pit Stop  
Review by BScholl
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

Suggestions/Fixes:

After reading this through, the piece seems and feels unfinished.

Not sure ’96 Jeep Grand Cherokee is necessary. It’s a bit long and just ‘Jeep’ or ‘Grand Cherokee’ would definitely do the trick.


"I'm not helping you push this thing, Paul." She stated matter-of-factly. This should have a comma after Paul.

Paul was angry… through … was more important than saving ten cents a gallon on a tank of gas. This appears to foreshadow something and yet, never does. It’s just in there.

Even the most ardent males and reasonable adults would pull over at a gas station when the needle is on empty. This seems almost unbelievable at this point. That she would “put her foot down” which is a cliché and should be avoided.

A lot of telling in the next couple paragraphs. It’s kind of ok, but doesn’t add to the flavor of where they are and what they are doing. “They were pregnant” just my opinion, but she’s the one pregnant. Personally, I have never liked that phrase.

Adverbs – lots of them. Words like earnestly, unexpectedly, likely, certainly, fortunately, always… are all as one reviewer of mine put it “lazy description” and should be avoided. Let the reader determine if it was unexpected or fortunate. A lot of time you can delete the word, as it’s totally unnecessary and reads better too.

For example take this sentence: “Between his being laid-off at the agency, and her finding out unexpectedly that they were pregnant, both of them knew what would happen if this venture failed.” Could read like this… “Paul was laid off, this venture was teetering on the edge of failure, and to top that Nicky had a surprise – She was expecting their first child.”

“And to be fair, they were being safe.” Fair to whom? Why is this line in here?

Perfect example: “Unexpectedly early, to be sure, but certainly not unwanted.” Just delete those adverbs and it reads well: “Early to be sure, but not unwanted.”

Topic sentence: “They had always planned on starting a family.” Ending sentence: “The board had to take emergency action to preserve the company, which included laying off most of their employees and offering substantial rate cuts in order to keep their worried clients.” Not much relation. Needs to be separate paragraphs.

‘pitch him’ – a sales term that not everyone will get.

Delete the exclamation point.

“…where apparently all two hundred and fifty residents of Love City, Arkansas had gathered.” It may be just me, but when I read that I actually chuckled and thought that was an interesting way of saying the town was dead. But you meant it literally! They were physically gather there (presumably for a funeral).

So… here we are with a couple desperately seeking gas, riding toward a meeting that is life changing, they are running late, and Nicky (who in the early part of the piece ‘put her foot down’) and Paul are going to stop for a funeral of someone they assume they don’t know? This just isn’t working. The logic doesn’t follow.

“Soon, she'd be the size of an elephant, waddling around with sore ankles and an aching back. She shuddered at the thought, and pushed it as far from her mind as possible.” Not necessary. Would delete. This thought just seems to come out of left field.

A beautiful service? What was beautiful about it? Were all the attendants holding carnations? Was the sunshine illuminating the casket as it was nestled amongst a select stand of swaying oaks? Were birds chirping? Tell me. Describe what beautiful is….

Many, many… delete one. Or say “an abundance” perhaps.

“had been a standout…” How? Did an angel come down and touch her each morning? Did she pray a lot?

Good. Kimberly turned her papers in early. What’s diligently mean? An adverb.

What kind of cookies? Sugar? Chocolate chip? Oatmeal raisin? Licorice flavored?

“a late night booty call”? I’m not even sure what that means, other than she slept around? Why were these two even roommates?


Plot (C minus) The plot meanders too much. There’s a ton of telling, sprinkled with very good injections of showing – just not enough. I just don’t feel much for these characters. I understand their situation, but the story just seems unfinished. Perhaps there is to be another writer to pick this up? “spin off”? Or is this the spin off?

Grammar & Spelling (B minus) Several issues mostly outlined above.

Character Development (C plus) Too many adverbs. The characters at times read more like a bio than a short story. There’s a lot about these two that I don’t know. Where are they from? Where are they going? Are they both small hometown people or big city folk? Her parents are alive, what about his? What kind of company does Paul work for? What’s his occupation (sales??)? Does she want to be an elementary teacher?

Creativity (C) Not a lot of twists here and I’ve read similar stories.

Overall (C) An average story about a couple who are looking for a gas station only after passing up the one near the freeway to search for a cheaper venue. Paul and Nicky are likeable enough, just not very deep. Your details need a lot of work, but your voice is good. Try describing things and stay away from adverbs when able.


Best Line: Paul's brow furrowed, but he said nothing. A simple line, but you can really see it and understand what Paul’s thoughts were and what Nicky sees.
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Review of Hidden Talent  
Review by BScholl
Rated: E | (4.5)
Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

Suggestions/Fixes:

I like the thoughts shown. Many pieces stay away or omit them.

I might re-work the very convenient finding of the dress between the others AND the chance finding of the ring. That seemed a bit forced. Let one of them just be obvious like the dress. Then she attempts to match it, and by chance finds the ring. Just an idea.

I love the intrigue of the red-haired woman.

A thin beam of sunlight shone through the window, striking the ring and Margie gazed at it thoughtfully. Such depth the stone has! I thought it was cut glass, but what if it’s a real gem? If it’s an emerald, it sure is good quality! -- She thought it was cut glass then exclaims that it sure is good quality? Seems at odds with one another. “If it’s an emerald…” could be changed to “I think this is a real emerald. Look at the quality.” Type of thought.

Also that the character didn’t necessarily jump to the conclusion of the ring. That had to be told to her that there was a connection. Nice.


Plot (A) A wonderful plot. One that you’ve built up and described the background with thoughts and emotion. Well done. The climax while you could see it about 75% in, did not degrade much even with the hints.

Grammar & Spelling (A) Excellent. There may be a comma out of place here or there.

Character Development (A minus) You really get to know Margie. The only knock is the development of the other characters, possibly even giving a bit of foreshadowing of Margie’s hidden talent.

Creativity (A) Not read many stories like it.

Overall (A): An excellently written story with a wonderful descriptions


Best Line: Margie nodded. “I saw this huge knife. Someone came up behind her and . . . and slit her throat.” She buried her face in her hands. “Oh, the blood! There was blood everywhere!”
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Review of The Review Game  
Review by BScholl
Rated: E | (4.5)
Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

I do have one admission… This is my wife’s piece. So, tread at your own risk. I am.

Suggestions/Fixes:

Drop the word “Normally”

Frowned… shaking. Isn’t this a verb tense issue? “Frowned and shook his head.”

Put “please” in italics for more oomph. (Wow. Spell check says oomph is a word…)

“I found Mitch glued to the Super Bowl.” No… no… no. “I found Mitch glued to his usual Sunday afternoon football game.” Something like that. NOT the Superbowl.


Plot (B plus) Nice storyline. Great masculine character (LOL). Very entertaining. The part right before ‘the review’ seemed pressed, but the rest of the piece more than makes up for it. Love the last word : )....

Grammar & Spelling (B plus) Excellent as always except for a few items above.

Structure (A) Wouldn’t change anything here.

Character Development (A) You really show the internal struggle well and the little flashes of the past relationship.

Creativity (A) Can’t fault you here. I’ve not seen a story quite like it. You took what is normally mundane and twisted it into hilarious. Well done.

Overall (A minus): A whimsical account that really pushes the envelope on the give and take of marriage, and in a good light too. It’s difficult to not smile at the end.


Best Line: “Good.” Of course.
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Review of Alone  
Review by BScholl
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

Suggestions/Fixes:

I’m not a big “title grabbing” guy. I think if a piece has merit, a reader will read it. That said, I think you could come up with a better title.

“It had already been a day since the plane that had carried John…” This is telling not showing. Perhaps…. “The mangled wreckage still had wisps of smoke seeping from it. John stared in awe that he was a passenger in that hulk a mere 24 hours before.” Something like that really gets the senses of the reader.

“unforsaken”? forsaken is abandoned… so Unforsaken… doesn’t seem to make sense.

“So far very little supplies had survived the crash.” More telling. What did survive? Tell me.

“John had sat there…” Verb tense issue. “John sat there staring out…”

“finish a burial for his daughter.” Perhaps just “bury his six year old daughter.”

“but still did it matter?” I’d just delete this. The next line needs revision. Make the reader feel the emotions of this man. He just lost, and buried his daughter. The reader should be crying with the description here.

“He than took a second….” Perhaps “He THEN took a second….”

“at the huge like wrecked up piece of metal” That needs work.

“… on this uninhabited island.” How does John know this? He just got here. We have a serious POV issue here. Let the reader see and feel what John sees and feels, nothing more.

POV again… “Yet one thing was going through every single person’s mind…” Every one? Stick with one POV.

Plot (D) Not much conflict. Decent situation, but it goes nowhere.

Grammar & Spelling (C) Word choices. Verb tenses.

Character Development (D plus) John: A blond haired man with a wife going to Chicago. Seems to be a bit of a caring person. We know little about John. If I can sum it up in one or two sentences, you need to describe more.

Creativity (D) The TV show “LOST” comes to mind.

Overall (D): This needs a lot of reworking to be more of a showing story. The descriptions need more specificity and detail. We also need John to be our eyes, ears, emotions.

Best Line: "One messed up world." John thought to himself as the wind from the palm tress whisped against his cheeks while rustling his silky blond hair. This line stands head and shoulders above the rest. It’s thoughtful. It’s descriptive. It lets us briefly stand in John’s shoes and feel what he feels.

Keep writing.
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Review of Oragazmi  
Review by BScholl
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

Suggestions/Fixes:

“…when obviously he was just correcting AN innocent mistake.”

"Actually no Sir..." the cashier responded. "...because this coupon is for the 12 ounce size. The tag is unnecessary. “"Actually no Sir, because this coupon is for the 12 ounce size,…”

As the van spat down the road, Joey bounced around in the back seat in silence. Spat? Word choice. Perhaps sputtered? Spun? Maybe even spilled?

I love the scene with the coupon after Joey got home.

The capitalized parts for emphasis on speaking needs to be changed to italics. This is more accepted.

“…begging to meet him where they first met in the park. Their place.” Perhaps “…begging to meet him where they first met in the park -- their place.” This makes it a complete sentence.

Who is Dan? I’ve got to say I just don’t get who he is. A robot? A person with a speech impediment? A wind-up toy? How is it that she can speak to him if he’s anything but a person? This just doesn’t work.


Plot (C) Too confusing of an ending. Dan needs to be identified more or make it more obvious, perhaps foreshadowing as to who/what he is? I liked the story and the comedy. Also, the accident is never explained. What happened here? I feel you are going for a twisted ending, but I just don’t see it.

Grammar & Spelling (B) Not too shabby here. Just need a bit of work on spacing, commas, and combining/reworking some sentences.

Character Development (B minus) Joey is developed a bit, but Met is just not. Plus, you change point of view from Joey to Met at the end and the story just kind of ends.

Creativity (B) Nice work here. With some clarity this could become quite the story. The reader is left confused.

Overall (B minus): As stated. Too confusing of an ending. Dan is? Met is? When is the story set? You have some great descriptions and wonderful showing of Joey’s mental state. IMO you just need to carry that over to Dan and Met.


Best Line: “But just as he started out the door, Joey was jerked to a sudden halt; the coupon was now stuck in his gears. Screaming again, he flailed both arms onto the wheel, ripping and tearing the paper out.” Great visual and you demonstrate the frustration well without even saying it.
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Review of Diplomat  
Review by BScholl
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Remember this is just an opinion. Only you can judge your own piece to its ultimate form. I write this to be helpful. I certainly learn a lot more when someone is completely honest about my work. I hope you feel the same.

Suggestions/Fixes:

I must preface this a bit with the odd mix I see of a very structured, paragraphed piece with the ‘hick’ grammar and thoughts flowing forth. If this were truly the ramblings of an uneducated man, this would not look like this. I’m unsure of what to do about that inconsistency, but it’s an initial thought. Did someone dictate this for him? Did he write it himself? Why are there few misspelled words? I understand there’s a fine line you are attempting to walk, but again these are my initial thoughts.

Additionally, while Rod is uneducated, the piece is written by an educated writer. If you want it to sound more ‘hick’ you have to write like a hick would write. You gotta put in words such’n this. Thare ain’t nothin’ amatter with it neither. It would also be wise to put in more catch phrases like “a coon dog huntin’ on a full moon.” You have some such as: “I ever did know.” “I reckon” and “won’t make a dime of difference.” Just build on it.

This guy wouldn’t use the word “substance”. “No substance behind it, all hollow-like…” perhaps “Nothing behind it, all hollow-like…”. Pare down your vocabulary a bit in other words

“Especially the latter,” perhaps “’specially the last ‘un…”

“since I’m the one running that shop.” A guy like Rod would not say it like this (believe me… I live in a hick town). He’d say he was the owner.

“Most chose the former…” perhaps “Most of ‘em chose that educated way…” (or something to that effect)

“soccer or lacrosse” Lacrosse? How popular would that be in a hick town? The number of Lacrosse teams in our entire county is zero. I’d bet my house on it.

“follows his friends like their some kinda gods.” Wrong their… s/b they’re, but with this piece I am tempted to let that slide?!?

“leads back to this here capitalistic system our good old country runs on. Wherever it starts, I've seen where it leads, and it's no good, and it's empty.” Odd that he’s a store owner and is using the capitalistic system to provide for his own family. Seems to smack of inconsistency, but hard to say with this piece???

“without the lack of recognition” perhaps “without me ‘a knowin’ her”

“the woman walked right on up the counter” perhaps “the woman walked right on up ta the counter.”

“She put her one down on the table, extended the other” perhaps “She put her one hand down on the counter, and shot the other’n out tow’rds me…”

“she seemed to approve” perhaps “she musta liked it”

I’d lessen the dialogue tags. Many of them are unnecessary. She said. She asked. Etc. It’s very obvious who is speaking.

“Tall, well-groomed, with eyes like mirrors” perhaps “Tall, fancy suit and shoes, and with eyes like mirrors.”



Plot (B) I guess I expected more out of this story… some sort of twist that just never happened.

Grammar & Spelling (F) And I want it to be an F minus! Good job???

Character Development (A) This is the strength of the story. Good job here, but as stated in my initial thoughts… WHO is writing this?

Creativity (B plus) Clever.

Overall (B) Not quite sure it’s up there yet. I think a few more tweaks with the colloquialisms and you’ll have something very special.

Best Line: It wasn't until after she left that I realized she'd referred to her husband as a diplomat. I had a good chuckle at that; guess she was sharper than I'd thought.
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Review of A Road To Follow  
Review by BScholl
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow. This poem just grabbed me. The eloquent rhythm and picture just seem to naturally flow together and create an image beyond what the picture shows. I don't often review poems or even give 5.0, but I'll gladly make an exception here. Life is often a choice between forging new paths (leading) or taking those well traveled (following).

Thank you.
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Review of HEROES  
Review by BScholl
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'm not sure anyone, anywhere could possibly rate this anything other than a 5.0. Your words are riveting. Your speech is eloquent and poignant. In short, it was an honor to read it. I, along with my family, salute you and your great sacrifices -- daily.

Thank you.
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