Plot (B ): Short and to the point (of a gun).
Grammar & Spelling (B minus): "right WHERE the lart beating heart would be." I think you meant. Also... the rippling MUSCLES I believe is the correct spelling.
Character Development (B): Hard to get development on a piece this short, but you captured some things about the hunter.
Creativity (B ):
Overall ( B): Interesting to see the kill through the eyes of a hunter. I liked the opening line -- very descriptive. Unfortunately, you got away from that for the rest of the piece. Words like: flickers, twitches, sheen purple puckered scars... were excellent. You could really visualize that scene.
Best Line: "All crystal clear and so close I felt, that if l reached out, l would feel the rippling muscels of it's flanks." Nice detail.
Plot (B plus): Good, just really not long enough. Just needs more development.
Grammar & Spelling (A): No issues I saw.
Character Development (C plus): A bit more background of the house, the boys, the neighborhood, etc. would help here.
Creativity (A minus): A person eating pumpkin. There's been similar stories, but very nice in the creativity department.
Overall (B plus): The story is a bit choppy as it moves from scene to scene which does tend to make reading it a bit difficult. It does move the story along, but due to the brevity, it does lack depth.
Best Line: "There was however, a small but important detail that nobody had noticed."
“Her son Bobby huddled at her feet, gripping knitting needles in his pudgy fists.”
-- Misplaced modifier here. The feet did not do any gripping. The ‘huddled at her feet’ should be last.
-- Bobby should have a comma before and after.
Maggie reflected that her manner was was strange
-- double was
Yellow and purple strands oozed out of it and the edges were ragged.
--I can’t quite put my finger on why I dislike this sentence. It just feels like the “and the edges were ragged.” was just tacked onto the end of it. Perhaps “Yellow and purple strands oozed out of its ragged edges.”
Plot (B plus): I’d actually give this an A except for a few items. Are there more women around that knitting table, or just three? That’s just not clear. Especially given the boisterous Susan trumpeting to just two people?
Grammar & Spelling (B): A few items I noted above. These could easily be cleaned up for an A.
Character Development (A): Maggie is simply wonderful. You do a wonderful job of describing the scenes. I wish I knew Bobby’s age, because I can not picture just how old of a child he is?
Creativity (A): Just a wonderful story with a stark contrast at the end of “He looked back in disgust at the Baby Jesus” followed by “Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!” with Mary caressing the blanket. Makes one wonder if Maggie placed it there at all…
Overall: A neat story. I really liked it. Please consider this as my humble opinion.
Plot (B): I liked it. Needs a bit more suspense and the description of the building was interesting (a bit hard to picture, but ok)
Grammar & Spelling (C): Multiple ones here. "Is this a jock?" I assume you meant "joke"... for instance.
Character Development (B): I liked the feelings of the writer. You tasted a bit of his personality, but you really need to hit on his quirkiness a bit more.
Creativity (A ): Excellent ending. One I did not see coming. Very nice twist. I just wish you could have expounded on the writer's personality more and even the mother. It's obvious they knew OF each other at the very least. It would be delightful to know in what ways.
Overall (B): Cleaning up the grammar and misspellings would help this story a lot. Would be a 4.0 at least. I liked it, especially the creative nature.
Best line: "Shirin is Deaf and Dumb. There are no words to her song.”
Plot (C plus): Not exactly tantalizing. But the fact it is a true story (assuming) does add something. The climax and resolution (quitting) could be seen almost from the beginning.
Grammar & Spelling (B ): Found some things (ie "Your right:" s/b "You're right" in the last paragraph.)
Character Development (C plus): I'd really like to know more about YOU in this story.
Creativity (C): Not real creative here. Your descriptive words need work. I do like the "lessons learned" ending sentence.
Structure (B):
Overall (C plus): A disjointed read, especially for a person who has never worked in a restaurant. Phrases like "Dish was a mess" should be avoided to appeal to readers who have not been in that industry.
Favorite line: “Are you disrespecting me?” “Yes I am!” I said.
Plot (B minus): The plot is fine. It needs to be even more emotional. You really need to describe what each of you feel more than anything -- show that contrast.
Grammar (C): Several verb tense mismatches. "They walked around and viewed our art. I could smell..." waled and viewed are past tense while smell is present.
Structure (A minus): Nicely spaced. Leaving a line all by itself "And she just smiled..." is a bit irregular, but can be done.
Spelling (A): Nothing here. Spelling is perfect.
Creativity (B): Nice story. A bit short. It's difficult to give a grade here as you are writing from a personal experience.
Character Development (D): This is where this story falls way short. We don't know names. We feel a little (but not enough) empathy. You really need to show the contrast between your feelings of being focused on and driven on "the grade" vs. your mother's despair.
Overall, at its heart, this is a very nice story. A few revisions and you could have something very special in deed.
Very well constructed. Your vocabulary is moderate and some more descriptive words might add some spice.
A few items: The occupational reference as a pet name works maybe the first time, but it really gets old quickly after that. Just use names or even a cute name given the relationship.
The story isn't necessarily all that original and the ending falls short in that area too. A truck striking and killing the love interest is a bit trite, and close to unbelievable in broad daylight and with the truck driver having plenty of time to see. The ending should be reworked.
Excellently written. You have a great way with "voice" that really captures the readers attention. Add that to well thought out quotes by your characters and you instantly have a good read.
Two very minor issues: The story moves fairly slowly, but if that's your style stick with it. Also, there is a ton of information thrown at the reader at once. When placed into this "alien" setting it takes a lot for the reader to figure out which character is which and what's going on. I had to read the first part a couple of times to understand. A short historical summary inserted somewhere could really help. Perhaps bulletins or something that one of the character scans through/reads might help acclimate the reader.
Plot: Very solid. You just need the next chapter. You are still in the first stage of introduction. Keep going.
Prose/Language: It might help to throw in a little more vocabulary, but mostly I like the straight-forward approach you've taken. Easy to read and sufficiently compelling. Perhaps you could ramp up the bigger words for the climactic part?
A good read and one you should be proud of so far.
Your descriptions are very nice. Additionally, your story is basically entertaining.
Things to work on: Repetition of descriptions. You really need to mix this up. Words like tresses, orbs, and stiffen are overused and may even be overkill in some sense. Sometimes eyes are just eyes.
Plot: While I wouldn't call your plot weak, it isn't real strong either. It lacks some excitement. It's pure romance. Why is she going on the walk? You also need to go into why he loses inspiration for his painting. Describe his emotions. Get some antagonism going. The line near the end is almost anti-climatic. Exposition, rising action, climax, falling action, resolution.
Spelling: There are a LOT of misspelled words in here. Truly you need to proofread. It really distracts from a decent short story.
I almost rated this a 4.0 but the misspellings and repetition really detracts. Fix a lot of that and it'd be a 4.0. Hope this helps.
The vocabulary is stunning in this story. The laziness of the pictures presented and the contrast of her emotions provide an enjoyable read.
Not much of a plot however. The scene of the daughter emptying the shoebox with her mother's ashes is touching, but I was left wanting to know more about her and the relationship with her mother. With a bit more explanation and your vivid description of the emotional relationship between these two would really complete the story.
The opening paragraph was a bit much in description and needs at least a hint of who she is I think. This would help the flow.
A very solid piece overall. Enjoyable.
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