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Public Reviews
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Review of Anger  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
An interesting piece that reminds of being very young (a young teenager) and that feeling of hating someone, that in hindsight I now recognize as only misdirected/projected emotion. It reminds me of how intensely I felt things at that age, and you captured that quite well. There were some technical and flow issues that I want to address, for your edification.

You have pushed me out of control and I think your welcome here is past due.
* This line is too long, and breaks the flow of the piece up severely. You should consider breaking this into two pieces, also 'I think' is unnecessary, as it is clear otherwise that the narrator is not prevaricating on her (?) feelings for this individual.

Your selfish and rude,
* you're

but you have the wrong additude.
* attitude

but i know when you get older you'll live all alone.
* 'but' is unnecessary here, as you had just used it two lines above and it makes the work sound repetitive and stilted.

I hope this has been helpful to you!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ L.C.




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77
Review of Daniel  
Rated: E | (4.0)
You revised this! And it is really strong, packing a real visceral punch now! I love the changes you have made to it, and I think you made wise choices on what to rewrite and what to leave intact. Also, your specialized formatting gives it an extra twist of realism - it's like peeking into the diary of a sensitive, poetry-minded young woman. Well done!

My only suggestion (and you know this already!) is to continue to work on your grasp of written English, so that you can make your sentences and phrasing even more cohesive and seamless - but you have come VERY far, and you should be very proud Eva!

Everything worked and flowed beautifully, there was just one section that felt a little stilted to me:


Your bitter-sweet kiss have always denouced you, so I have always known. But the feeling I felt was so greater than me, that I closed my eyes and pretended I did not see.

** The first highlighted word 'kiss', should either be pluralized ('kisses') or the line would have to be changed to 'Your bitter-sweet kiss has always -', depending on how you want it to read. The second highlighted word is a misspelling - it should be 'denounced'. And the third highlighted word is a place where I think you need an alternative word, so that you are not repeating 'feel' back to back like that - perhaps 'But the feeling I experienced -' or something along those lines.

I hope this was helpful to you - you did a wonderful job!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
78
78
Review of Squander  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This piece was intense and powerful, even in its brevity, packing a punch that will leave me thinking about it for days. Content-wise, this is stellar work. You managed incredible character development in so few words, and the use of imagery was the perfect touch. I still cannot shake the mental image of her blood falling onto the vestiges of her hair, her glory, scattered on the floor. Simply striking.

Technically there were just a few places that needed commas inserted, to make the sentences proper, and I have placeded them into the following lines for you:


It charged through, me causing me to raise the scissors again and continue to massacre the epitome of my physical presentation.

In a swift movement I picked it up and flung it towards the mirror, instantly cracking it.

Very well done, you should be proud of this piece.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.

Welcome to WDC!
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79
Review of Chokecherries  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found this to be engaging, well-written, and educational! It was unexpected, how much I enjoyed reading this, and I learned a lot in the process (which I always love!). The only thing I thought might be an issue technically was this:

Chokecherries have many uses which include wine, jelly, syrup, and much more.
** This was at the end, in the conclusion paragraph, but you stated almost the exact same thing in the paragraph right before it. The repetition was distracting and stood out.

Well done! Great piece!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
80
80
Review of The Doctor  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Strange indeed! A very interesting, very odd little piece that I am initially not sure what to make of. I know I liked it, but with so little revealed I am left feeling like I wanted more closure than that. What exactly was going on there?

There was so much description in the beginning, and then it was almost exclusively dialogue towards the end, that it was disorienting, and when it was over my brain was mushed into a question mark. I like mysterious pieces that leave spaces where you need to fill in the details yourself to an extent, but I also feel that it is important for a writer to know when there needs to be more information given to a reader. If there isn't enough, then a reader can get bored or lose interest, or feel cheated at the end.

Another note, was it necessary to repeat the 'men in blue jump suit', in its many forms, so many times? I understand that you may have done it intentionally, but it was distracting and made the story seem needlessly repetitive. Technically the piece was very sound except for one very small thing I caught:

" In her mid forties, she is elegantly dressed in a flowing, pink, Versace evening gown and matching Gucci pumps."
** That comma in front of 'Versace' should be removed, as Versace evening gown is the subject in itself, Versace not being an adjective it should not be separated from the preceding adjective by a comma.

Overall, an intriguing work that left me wanting a little more, but very well written. I hope you have found this review helpful, and please take it in the spirit it was intended.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.


The rating is for content, not for technical execution. For technical execution you would be receiving a 4.5, as the writing here was very skillful.
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81
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This piece was a playful and interesting read, with lots of fun play on words and monologue that made me giggle. Your ending also was unforeseen and amusing. Although I liked it and was entertained by it, I never felt fully drawn into it. I also thought it could have used a little more clarity in the plot itself, but overall an enjoyable work.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
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82
Review of Sunshine  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very sweet, surprisingly inspiring piece considering it's lengths - add a very creative and original, complementing format to it, and you have a wonderful, cohesive work of poetry. Reading it brought to mind the moments near sundown when there are clouds built up on the horizon and solitary rays of light break through to shine out across the darkening sky. Lovely simplicity, and very natural. Well done!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
83
83
Review of Word Search  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love this piece's tone and message, as well as the feeling it evokes. When I write poetry it tends to be free-verse strictly arranged for rhythmic impact, and while this poem speaks to me for that reason it also is the reason for my biggest issue with it.

Though free-verse is, of course, without any noticeable rhyme scheme, we cannot overlook format when writing it. It is easy to forget, or even never realize this at all, but poetry is extremely visual as well as visceral and mental. More than mere words on a page, reading poetry appeals to our eyes as much as our psyches and we must be mindful of that visual effect when putting a poem down on paper (or typing it to be on a page, as it were).

I would not alter any of your actual content in this piece, because I think it is lovely and just right as is - but I would perhaps take a hard look at its format. You have some extremely long lines in there that are ad odds with the other much shorter lines, and I don't get the feeling that you made this intentional for the juxtaposition of the differing lengths. Breaking some of the longer lines into more lines of smaller content would do wonders for improving this piece's aesthetic appeal, as well as its readability. If you decide to re-format it, I would of course be happy to look at it again.

But as far as content goes, well done! Please do not change any of that based on this critique. I truly enjoyed the poem itself, I just wanted it to be dressed in nicer clothes - you know what I mean?

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
84
84
Review of Love  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This poem makes me a little sad and nostalgic - you have so well captured what it feels like to love, and to give it up, that I can't help but relate. Such connectivity makes it difficult to critique, but I will do my best.

Technically this poem is fairly sound, and your rhyme scheme is mostly alive and well, although you clearly took some liberties (i'm a huge fan of taking liberties with rhyme schemes in poetry, so never fear). You word choice is thoughtful and your flow is very nice, as the words tumble effortlessly across my tongue. There is only one thing I thought would improve its aesthetic appeal - and this is just an opinion, of course:


I love you so much, I wish you could know;
So much that I’m surprised it doesn't show.
I’d do anything for you,
If only you knew.
I would pull the stars from the skies above,
If only to give you a better view of those lights you so love.


I thought that if you took the last line and broke it after 'view' so that it extends it to one more line past that to read 'of those lights you so love' it would be an improvement. I suggest this because the line seems too long and is the only part of the poem where your flow stumbles. This change would also maintain your rhyme scheme slightly better in the first stanza.

I hope this was helpful to you! I truly enjoyed this piece, your poetry is adroit indeed!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
85
85
Review of A Zephyr's Kiss  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reading this was like standing outside in very early morning, when the air is cool and still, the sky only just beginning to lighten - a bond with nature, and sense of peace just waiting to be disturbed by life. Your rhythm and flow are well-chosen and effortless, making the reading and connection of it just as effortless. Poetry can sometimes be stilted and too self-important, but this is a perfect balance of self-importance and selfless message.

I do not have anything constructive to offer that would not just be nit-picking, and frankly some things work so beautiful and naturally as a whole that the technical specifics are no longer of import. Well done.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
86
86
Review of Chapter 2  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I decided to go ahead and read Chapter 2 of this, and am glad that I did! This installment was exciting and intriguing - the more I read the more I wanted to know, and that is always a hallmark of good fiction writing. Make your reader ask questions, spark their curiosity, leave them dying to know more! This piece accomplishes that, despite the technical gaffs in its body, and I felt it was very successful. Your writing seeming more confident here, especially towards the end. There is only the issue of length again for me - I want it to be so much longer than this! Are you intentionally keeping these Chapters short? Because if I knew that for certain I think I could get over it ^_^

I enjoyed this immensely!

For your edification I have included an edit copy of this Chapter, although my corrections are obviously only suggestions to you. You have ultimate artistic license to change or not to change - the places I put things in were just improvements that I felt could make this piece even better, cleaner.


He glanced around and made sure no one was looking at him then reached into his bag and pulled out his illegal copy of Voltaire’s Candide. He had hidden the cover with the cover from one of the Leeches’ pamphlets - How To Be Successful In The Modern World. He read for a short while, but he hadn’t brought his reading glasses with him and his eyes quickly became tired. He paused to give them a break and look around.

Everything was made of stultisite, the leeches loving to show off their new discovery. Stultisite wasn't new to the world - it was a naturally occurring compound and studies had shown that it was actually discovered by the Church of Fatuus in 1095. They wanted to conceal their discovery from the rest of the world and they succeeded for a time. They incorporated it into many of their rituals and the priests always carried small pieces with them and, eventually, the world as a whole was exposed to stultisite by the Church. Stultisite isn’t so costly because it’s rare, far from that, many huge deposits have been found around the world, especially in North America, Germany, Japan, and Italy. Stultisite isn’t expensive to buy, aside from the mining costs; it’s expensive to work with. It only came into popularity recently, and still only with the rich, because it’s nigh indestructible. The process of heating it to a point of malleability is extremely costly and the technology required fairly modern. They must have spent an ungodly amount of money on the square between mining the raw material and crafting the stultisite intricacies. Everything gleamed in its beautiful silvery color, as it is the most lustrous of the known metals and [edit out: 'it'] is truly breathtaking to behold. In fact, it’s so lustrous that denizens of the upper district are forced to don protective eyewear to prevent blindness via the reflection of the sun from the stultisite-covered ground. The costliness of stultisite goes beyond the immediate. At first the awful smell of stultisite made people leave the upper districts or, if they were too elitist to live among the lowly peoples of the middle district, they stayed and went insane. After a few years most people in the upper districts underwent surgery to confuse the chemoreceptors in their noses into believing it has a good smell, now it’s standard procedure for the surgery to be done at birth. And people had always wondered why the medieval priests smelled so bad.

[indent]Everything in the square was made of stultisite, its exquisiteness was marred only by the six stultisite cages resting in the center. [join to preceding paragraph]Well, two of the cages were resting. The other four held political prisoners, undoubtedly malcontents from the middle or lower districts who had drawn too much attention to themselves. They couldn’t have been there long; they were all conscious and attempting to use their clothes to filter the smell of the stultisite. The observer cringed in knowing pain as he thought of their suffering. When he first came to the Upper District Square, before he’d had the surgery, his then-new business associates had played a prank on him by telling him to hold his breath then sprint to the middle of the square. People of the middle and lower districts are rarely allowed into the upper district, certainly not into the Square, and stultisite workings are too costly to waste on the lower districts; he didn’t know what he was running in to. The observer’s nose twinged in ghostly pain and he once again planned the murders of those business associates - it was a daily ritual.

Guards with guns drawn surrounded the prisoners; their weapons were the newest models. If the leeches are on the cutting edge of anything, it’s in fire power. The prisoners, one of them a woman and the other three men, were scared to the point of insanity. The observer noted with dark humor that the leeches had accidentally made their cages most effective against the people of the lower districts; with their unaltered sense of smell any lower or middle class prisoner forced into the cage would suffer the undiluted, horrible smell of the stultisite. The prisoners handled their fear in different ways; one of the men lay curled into the fetal position in the middle of his cell, sobbing quietly. His neighbor sat in the middle of the cage with his head between his knees and hands covering his ears. The woman was close to the bars of her cage, pleading with her guards to let her go home to her children.


Again, I hope this was a help to you and your process! I am always happy to offer a review ^_^

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.


87
87
Rated: E | (4.5)
Having read both versions of this twice, I have decided that I like this version ('Edit' Version) much better, except for in Stanza 4/Line1 I thought that using 'moment instead of 'minute' was far preferable and in keeping with the lovely, melancholy tone of this piece. It was a sad pleasure to read, making me feel inexplicably nostalgic. I especially loved this line:

Even your despair is beautiful, eyes brimming with drops of grace.

My only critique is in Stanza 1:
I walk among a sea of people yet I feel alone.
Always searching for something unknown;
I know now that I’ve been searching all my life,
I pray that whatever I find is worth the strife


** In Line 3, where you use the word 'searching' again, it feels needlessly repetitive, and I think choosing a different word would make this flow much better. Maybe 'seeking' ?

A wonderful poem overall- very well done!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
88
88
Review of Insomnia  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I understand and relate to this, having been experiencing something similar myself for many years now. Insomnia is simply the constant state that I exist in - we are old friends, sleeplessness and I. It is much better now than it used to be, but I still sleep far less than the average person does, and can function with much less sleep too. My brain, too, refuses to shut down, firing up as my body goes down. Reading this was like being a fly on the wall of your bedroom, watching you struggle with the intimate torture of insomnia in her many facades. Thank you for sharing it!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
89
89
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I found this piece to be pensive and dark with a clever undercut of dry wit that made it pleasant to read. Your main character is memorable and easy to relate to, which is always something you want to strive for in any writing, and you made a rather mundane walk through a bad part of town engaging and interesting. Well done! There are some technical and aesthetic things I want to point out to you - just some possible issues I noticed as a reader that I think should be brought to your attention. Actually changing anything is, of course, entirely your prerogative. Here we go:

The man grunted, he was only a short way from the middle districts where the air and denizens were slightly more livable when his knee began to recommend that he pause to rest.
** The highlighted part of this sentence does not sit well with me - the awkward use of the word denizens does not quite work in the context here I think, and taking it out might simplify the line, or you could consider rewriting the line itself.

He noticed a shady looking character standing off alone against the wall to his left and, farther down the wall, a group of three men who didn’t look like the type he would enjoy meeting in a dark alley.
** I feel like this should be hyphenated: shady-looking

He berated himself for his thoughtless elitism, reputable, who was he to judge the character of these men without even speaking to them?
** I got what you intended here, but it does not come across clearly to the casual reader, and I found myself having to reread it a few times to grasp your meaning. You might want to put a hyphen or even a period behind 'elitism' to break up the line, then offset 'reputable with italics and possibly even make it a line by itself for maximum impact - so it might read something like this:
He berated himself for his thoughtless elitism. Reputable. Who was he to judge the character of these men without even speaking to them?


The third man was larger; maybe six feet tall with plenty of mass, though it was impossible to tell if he was obese or muscular due to his large coat and the fact that he faced his friends opposite the observer. As the man watched, he reevaluated his observation of them as friends. You don’t look at friends the way the two runts looked at the larger man.
** The first red word I inserted there to keep the sentence from being spliced by that comma. The second correction i made is a suggestion. It was not comfortable when I read the line, and you could play with it to see what works best for your style but will still come across cleanly to the reader

The big man clapped both of the smaller men on the back; they nodded feverishly then shook hands with the larger man, one of the runts dropped something as they shook hands and let out a high pitched, forced sounding laugh as he bent over to retrieve whatever he’d dropped.
** Ok - this sentence is long, and you could do a lot for its clarity if you broke it up into smaller pieces. I have this same tendency in my own writing, and it's something I have to pay close attention to in my editing process.

One tries to avoid eye contact on the west side of town; especially with large, he now saw not fat but muscular, dangerous looking men.
** Another instance of a description necessitating a hyphenation. Also, I could not quite place my finger on it but something about this sentence wasn't settled for me. Perhaps the addition of 'he now saw not fat but muscular' breaks it up, and if you could find a more streamlined way of writing this I think it would make a big difference.

He walked until he’d put a mile or so between him and his encounter, then paused to rest and reflect on what he had observed.
** I inserted a comma here.

The man chuckled again at how incompetent the leeches were. Any decent evil overlord organization would determine the average by the lower citizens and have the rich people be superhumanly tall - everyone would be happier that way. His mind slid into a less humorous tone as he thought of how else he may be similar to those men; he had avoided the drugs, but they appeared to have failed there. He didn’t blame them; life was hard in manufacturing. Too hard for some people to handle on their own, and too hard for some to handle even with the drugs.
** Another block where I made some suggested changes that I think would help the way this reads. Be careful about punctuation, that you are using the proper articles in conjunction with commas to ensure your sentences are proper and technically sound. Also, don't be afraid to use shorter sentences - sometimes a shorter sentence has more punch and impact than a long, detailed one! ... I highlighted 'superhumanly' because I think you can come up with a better adjective here, one that conveys the same idea but is more eloquent, to go with the tone of rest of the piece.

Wealth equals power, so long as it doesn’t cost them their wealth and the lower classes remain ignorant, they can survive being stupid.
** This line needs revising in general - it doesn't read clearly, it's meaning convoluted and the end part seems to be a hanging fragment, almost unrelated to the rest of the sentence. A rewrite would be an easy fix.

Rulers remain in power only so long as they can control the minds of their subjects - he was free. His pessimism worked against itself when it told him that he wasn’t unique; that some, if not many, of the manufacturing workers had come to the same realizations as he had, that the ruling class no longer deserved their respect and lamblike behavior.
** I inserted a suggested punctuation to set the line 'he was free' apart from the rest of sentence, as that felt like an important, powerful part of the narration to me. Almost 'lamblike' definitely needs to be hyphenated.

A few other things I wanted to mention: Tense-skipping. I do it a lot, so believe me I know how easy it is to miss, but when you are editing try to make sure that your writing is consistently in one tense throughout the entirety of the piece. The second thing is more of an observation. This is titled as 'Chapter 1', but it is very short... It is an excerpt of something larger, or just an extremely short Chapter? I would suggest expanding on it, lengthening it at least somewhat.

I hope you have found this to be helpful! I really enjoyed reading this piece, and if you have more of it on the way I would certainly be interested in reading it, then offering my feedback if you wanted. Well done!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
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90
Review of Dangerous Beauty  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I love this - winter has always been a very inspiring time for me, and reading this invokes the feeling of standing outside just after an ice storm has ravaged the land. Very well done, I enjoyed it immensely. My only critical offer would be that I feel the poem could be a bit longer, more drawn out, more imagery laced into it. But a very efficient piece - I felt cold while I read it.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
91
91
Review of The Crimson Sky  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Ok, now, this is an interesting and engaging story with a lot of potential, but I must be honest with you - when I opened this item and looked at it, my jaw dropped. You have absolutely zero formatting here. And formatting is the foundation of good, connective writing! So I am going to include a formatted, corrected edit copy of your piece, and then give my insights on its content (plot) below that.

The sun drifted lazily down the horizon, gleaming its crimson light across the evening sky. I sighed heavily and rubbed my drowsy eyes. Seagulls called while the ocean gently lapped the beach.

Whats taking him so long? (<- in italics to indicate a thought instead of a spoken word) I stared out into the forest behind me, watching the shadows creep closer into the evening. I turned my attention back to the sunset, sketching the pink clouds that stretched across the bright sky.

"Its been a while." I jumped.
"ROWLAND!" I dropped my sketch book, running into a tackling hug. "I missed you so much!" I whispered softly.
"As did I." he smiled mysteriously and patted my head. He was a slim, neat looking man in his mid twenties who was strangely dark with a trim exterior. His short, messy hair shivered in the wind. I always loved that brownish black hair. I smiled back. "The evening is quite lovely," he mused.
"Yeah, isn't it pretty?" I scooped up my sketch book and showed him my drawing.
"Oh, you're still drawing? It's very good. I am sure you'll become a great artist one day"
I giggled. "How is your book coming along?" I asked eagerly.
"Quite good, I suppose," he went quiet. "There's something I must tell you Sarah..." he uttered darkly.
"What is it?" I was afraid of the urgency in his voice.
"You see...the reason why I haven't seen you in so long is because....I was bitten..." he replied darkly (choose a different adjective here other than 'darkly', as you just used 'darkly' two sentences back).
"Bitten by what?" I didn't understand. Why was he being so serious? Usually he was very kind and carefree, as well as level-headed and quiet.
"I was bitten by a vampire," he grimaced.
"W-what? Is this some kind of joke?" I was afraid of his expression. It was [edit out: 'in'] painful, like he stepped on a nail, but also like he was hungry.

Hungry for me.

I stepped back, shaking.
"No....unfortunately this is no joke." His eyes turned crimson, as crimson as the sunset. I was afraid of what was next. His lips parted, revealing two gleaming white fangs. "I am sorry," he whispered.

"NO!" I ran desperately down the beach trying to get my footing in the sand. I sprinted as fast as I could, dodging rocks and broken shells. But he was faster, effortlessly keeping up with my pace with a look of sadness on his face, waiting for me to trip. He didn't have to wait long because I tripped on a rock and did a face plant into the soft sand.

"No-no" I sputtered, spitting out the sand in my mouth. He crouched down beside me and picked me up by my jacket pulling away my scarf.
"I really am sorry," he whispered
"No...." I cried softly, exhausted from the sprinting. I made one last attempt at escaping by kicking with the strength I had left. It was useless.
"Goodbye dearest Sarah."

Pain shot up my neck, making its way all through my body, burning me. This was the end. I was sure. As sure as the blackness creeping across my vision sending me into unconsciousness. Or worse, into the afterlife.


Ok. Now, I want you to take this in the spirit I mean it, because I certainly would only have taken the time to do this if I felt that the story had potential. And it certainly does! Your ending is very strong - I am right there with Sarah, experiencing how emotional and confusing this moment is for her. Your concept is very strong also. What you need to make sure you work on is the technical side of writing, which is what makes your ideas come across clearly and easily to your reader. Be aware of punctuation, capitalization, formatting, spacing, word context, and spelling, to name a few. We all need a little guidance now and then, but never get discouraged! You have talent, now you just need to learn the tools to express that talent efficiently. I hope you found this review helpful! If you have any questions, feel free to message me, I would love to offer any advice you may need or want.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.


Welcome to WdC!
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Review of Where Art Thou?  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
An interesting and intelligent essay on your feelings about your nation's current cultural state - and, really, something I think anyone in any country can sympathize with. The death of courtesy is a world-wide occurrence that we are all noticing more and more. The Age of Technology is fully upon us all, and culture will never be the same. It seems sometimes that people are more concerned with the smart phone in their hand than the smart person in the seat next to them. Ah, but I digress - your piece definitely sparked my inclination to debate and discuss! Thank you for posting it - very well done.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.

Welcome to WdC!
93
93
Review of Intruder  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I admit, this is not what I expected to find when I read the byline and then clicked on this item. Honestly, I expected an action-suspense short fiction in first-person present-tense that was fast-paced and gritty. That is what I expected, or thought I wanted to read anyway, and was rather shocked to see a poem open before me. I was even more shocked as I proceeded to read. This was a lovely gem of depth, abstraction and lament, and I really enjoyed reading it. I found my mind lit up with thought in response to it, and the lines were well-chosen, well-arranged for maximum (mostly) impact.

There were, however, a few trouble spots I wanted to point out for you:

You will feel my breathe
My souls only escape of your nonsense

** 'breathe' should be 'breath' here, and 'souls' should be possessive (soul's. then I also feel that 'of' should possibly be changed to 'from' to make more sense.

It is not I, who is at fualt in your life
** I highlighted the typo here for you, it should be 'fault'.

Overall a great piece that was a pleasant surprise - this was my favorite line:
I always knew a breeze would carry me home

That is just fantastic, and it's the sort of line that will stay with me. Well done.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.

Welcome to WdC!

94
94
Review of A Drawn Blade  
Rated: E | (3.5)
A interesting piece, and your grasp of writing action is good, if a bit lacking in specificity. I enjoyed reading it, I just would have liked to know more about what was going on, who these two men involved were, and why exactly they were engaging in this fight (or spar? was it merely practice?). I want to know how the men are reacting emotionally to this fight as well. Details! Details make an adequate piece come alive to the reader and invest in it, hunger for more. Let me point out a few specific things for you:

The battle continued intensely as each sought out the others defenses. Again and again, they swung at each other – but each blow kept on being blocked and parried by the other.
** I highlighted the awkward part of the line. It feels like this could be better written. Perhaps like " - but each blow was blocked and parried every time." or " - but each blow continued to be blocked and parried every time."

Burkes’ blade wedged itself tightly the pavement, and as he tried to get it out, Vincent leaped.
** You are missing something between 'tightly' and 'the pavement'. Also, in this part of the fight there are some clarity issues, on what exactly is going on between them, that you may want to address.

My only other critique was that your ending seems abrupt and unfinished. You might consider adding to it, expanding it slightly so that you can wrap it up more cleanly and finally. Overall I liked this, and I would be happy to read it again if you decide to revise anything.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
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95
Review of Caution: Glass  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem is deep and thought-provoking, with vivid imagery and its rough and ragged structure a reflection of the subject of broken glass contained within. It is the kind of writing that I dwell on, thinking about for hours after I have read it, analyzing it. You did a successful job of drawing your reader in. Very well done. One line that I thought needed the attention of an edit:

Now you pick up you leg and stare in awe at the bare of your foot, torn, shredded...

** The highlighted word should be 'your'.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.

Welcome to WDC!
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Well this was very intriguing, and it definitely piqued my interest, making me want to read more! Structure wise I think you could expand this introduction, add some details, neaten up your sentences, and maybe rework your examples of death for clarity and impact. Those changes would draw the reader in even more and leave a more powerful impression.

There was one technical thing I wanted to point out:
For instance, when the star basketball player, while playing the last game in their teams bid on the state championship, falls in the middle of the court and has a heart attack.
** I highlighted the problem word - that needs to be possessive.

I really enjoyed reading this, and if you decide to revise it and polish it I would love to read it again and let you know what I think. Well done!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
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Review of Locked in Reality  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I enjoyed this piece a lot - it was interesting and thought-provoking. There were a few things I wanted to point out to you:

But I keep striving forward my fate awaits
** I felt there should be a comma behind 'fate', to separate the idea and give it more weight.

Guarded by iron gates
** This line seemed one-syllable too short. Simply adding a single syllable would make a huge difference, I think, in the flow of the line and its place in the rhythm of the piece, like so : 'Guarded by these iron gates'

Safely placed in a place in my mind
** I would suggest that you find an alternate word for 'place' to fill in one of them in this line. The repetition takes away from your overall tone.

That tuneless songs rings high
** 'Songs' should not be pluralized here.

Very well done - it made me think, and I always enjoy reading things that cause my mind to move.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
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Rated: E | (3.0)
This was a sweet, charming piece that had a lighthearted feel to it even as the subject matter was a slightly sad commentary on the state of modern family. Your rhyme scheme was very basic but successful, except for one stanza that I noticed:

With hugs and kisses all around,
we head out, all our separate ways.
Dad goes to his work, Mom goes to hers;
I run for the bus; I-Pod and DSI clutched in my hand.

** Unlike the rest of your stanzas, the last word of the first and last line do not rhyme - none of the final words rhyme in this stanza, and that breaks up your flow. Consider rewriting to remedy that issue.

Overall I found this enjoyable. If you revise it, I would love to read it again and let you know what I think.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I love this! It is charming and ironic and a little sarcastic, which are three characteristics that normally do not work together - and yet you artfully laced them together for this whimsical piece that brought a wry smile to my face. Your subject matter is original and yet somewhat nostalgic, and the piece flows beautifully. This was my favorite part:

I think at the new moon,
I'll call for the fairies.
Chanting imaginary flowers
off condo walls.
I'll make a libation
of sweet wine and spices.
And I'll let you know
if they come at all.


I wish I had something constructive for you, but I'm afraid I don't - there is not really much room for improvement here, unless I get nit-picky critical and I don't do that just for the sake of having something contrary to say. Great piece! Simple as that ^_^

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
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Review of Sneezes  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I am not sure what to make of this piece. I liked it - I know I did, because I read it twice - but it was chaotic and difficult to follow, abrupt and messily formatted. Some heavy rewriting would do wonders to clarify it to the reader and make it easier to connect with. Just as I was beginning to feel really involved with the main character and his plight, it was over. I wanted to know more! Especially about where this was, what era, who this man is, why he is here, who put the spell on him that caused the sneezing ... Well, even if you didn't answer all of those questions extensively (then it wouldn't be a short story!), you could inject a little more detail into this piece - I feel it would make the reader more interested and invested from the outset. If you decide to rewrite it, I would love to read it again and let you know what I think. Great original idea!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
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