Ok, now, this is an interesting and engaging story with a lot of potential, but I must be honest with you - when I opened this item and looked at it, my jaw dropped. You have absolutely zero formatting here. And formatting is the foundation of good, connective writing! So I am going to include a formatted, corrected edit copy of your piece, and then give my insights on its content (plot) below that.
The sun drifted lazily down the horizon, gleaming its crimson light across the evening sky. I sighed heavily and rubbed my drowsy eyes. Seagulls called while the ocean gently lapped the beach.
Whats taking him so long? (<- in italics to indicate a thought instead of a spoken word) I stared out into the forest behind me, watching the shadows creep closer into the evening. I turned my attention back to the sunset, sketching the pink clouds that stretched across the bright sky.
"Its been a while." I jumped.
"ROWLAND!" I dropped my sketch book, running into a tackling hug. "I missed you so much!" I whispered softly.
"As did I." he smiled mysteriously and patted my head. He was a slim, neat looking man in his mid twenties who was strangely dark with a trim exterior. His short, messy hair shivered in the wind. I always loved that brownish black hair. I smiled back. "The evening is quite lovely," he mused.
"Yeah, isn't it pretty?" I scooped up my sketch book and showed him my drawing.
"Oh, you're still drawing? It's very good. I am sure you'll become a great artist one day"
I giggled. "How is your book coming along?" I asked eagerly.
"Quite good, I suppose," he went quiet. "There's something I must tell you Sarah..." he uttered darkly.
"What is it?" I was afraid of the urgency in his voice.
"You see...the reason why I haven't seen you in so long is because....I was bitten..." he replied darkly (choose a different adjective here other than 'darkly', as you just used 'darkly' two sentences back).
"Bitten by what?" I didn't understand. Why was he being so serious? Usually he was very kind and carefree, as well as level-headed and quiet.
"I was bitten by a vampire," he grimaced.
"W-what? Is this some kind of joke?" I was afraid of his expression. It was [edit out: 'in'] painful, like he stepped on a nail, but also like he was hungry.
Hungry for me.
I stepped back, shaking.
"No....unfortunately this is no joke." His eyes turned crimson, as crimson as the sunset. I was afraid of what was next. His lips parted, revealing two gleaming white fangs. "I am sorry," he whispered.
"NO!" I ran desperately down the beach trying to get my footing in the sand. I sprinted as fast as I could, dodging rocks and broken shells. But he was faster, effortlessly keeping up with my pace with a look of sadness on his face, waiting for me to trip. He didn't have to wait long because I tripped on a rock and did a face plant into the soft sand.
"No-no" I sputtered, spitting out the sand in my mouth. He crouched down beside me and picked me up by my jacket pulling away my scarf.
"I really am sorry," he whispered
"No...." I cried softly, exhausted from the sprinting. I made one last attempt at escaping by kicking with the strength I had left. It was useless.
"Goodbye dearest Sarah."
Pain shot up my neck, making its way all through my body, burning me. This was the end. I was sure. As sure as the blackness creeping across my vision sending me into unconsciousness. Or worse, into the afterlife.
Ok. Now, I want you to take this in the spirit I mean it, because I certainly would only have taken the time to do this if I felt that the story had potential. And it certainly does! Your ending is very strong - I am right there with Sarah, experiencing how emotional and confusing this moment is for her. Your concept is very strong also. What you need to make sure you work on is the technical side of writing, which is what makes your ideas come across clearly and easily to your reader. Be aware of punctuation, capitalization, formatting, spacing, word context, and spelling, to name a few. We all need a little guidance now and then, but never get discouraged! You have talent, now you just need to learn the tools to express that talent efficiently. I hope you found this review helpful! If you have any questions, feel free to message me, I would love to offer any advice you may need or want.
Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
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