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340 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Prelude  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Wow, this was twisted and intense, unsettling and surreal. I felt like I was watching a horror short-film, it was written in such vivid, straight-forward style. I am left asking questions after its conclusion, which is always the hallmark of great fiction writing. This was my favorite part:
Everything in my head is momentarily gone as I crumple to the floor. Nothing exists but the pain. My eyes stare ahead unseeing. There is no part of my being aware of the fact that my hands are closing around my foot squeezing as tight as possible. White pure feeling eats like an acid-wave at the beach of my brain and everything that is me is carried away with the tide. Drifting in an ocean of pain, I have no sense of where I am. I know only that when I wash up on land, I am not where I was before and all of me did not make it.
I have never seen such an accurate, vivid description of what it feels like to stub your toe, and reading this made my foot hurt. Absolutely brilliant - you would never think something so small as stubbing your toe could be such mind-bending pain but it always is, and it's so hard to explain to someone what that feels like. You have managed to put that into words, and this is a great example of the success of this piece as a whole.

Just a few technical notes for you - some editing that needs to be done, is all:

I always tend to take too much and then I just have to shave the whole thing to stop from looking ridiculous.
** I highlighted the problem part of this sentence - I feel that 'stop' should be 'keep', or that if you want to use 'stop' then you should also add 'it' behind, to make the sentence more cohesive.

I trim the hair off of my waste and above my penis without incident. It's an incredibly complicated process cutting the hairs on the fraile skin covering your testicles.
** The highlighted words are incorrect for context ('waste') and spelling ('fraile'), and should be, respectively, 'waist' and 'fragile'.

I flip the switch, turning on the flourescent light and stare into the mirror, waiting for it to warm up. The barely audible hum of the electricity making its way through the bulb and the sickenly honest pale light filling the room remind me of a hospital.
** Comma time! I placed commas in the appropriate places in red. The first highlighted word is misspelled - should be 'florescent'. Also the second highlighted word in this section should I think be 'sickeningly', right? The third highlighted word, 'remind', should be 'reminds' to work with the rest of the sentence.

Overall, a great piece! It would make an amazing short film - the kind that gives people with less-than-iron fortitude a month of nightmares. Well done!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
102
102
Review of Bay of miracles  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is beautiful and insightful, your phrasing graceful and simplistic. It was a joy to read, invoking a quiet reflection in me that makes poetry so enjoyable and inspiring. If this was your first time writing poetry, I daresay you are a natural. The only thing I might point out to you for improvement is that you could expand on the phrases, draw out your idea and give it more space to blossom into a complete idea. With its brevity, it's over just as i'm truly getting drawn into it. Well done.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
103
103
Rated: E | (3.5)
This was an interesting piece that at first I was not sure what to make of. Further contemplation on its content has led me to a few conclusions, but first I wanted to point out a few technical issues I saw in the work:

We are the heros of the old lion killers, when such a thing was noble and biologically necessary.
** The highlighted word is misspelled - it should read 'heroes'. But this line bothers me for another reason - there is something about the subject that seems off to me.

I looked down at the rough sketch, found a pale pencil face smiling at me, not judging, surprising me in my capture that long-lost hero of mine.
** The highlighted phrase needs revising one of 2 ways: either 'capture' must become 'capturing' or you must insert the word 'of' behind the word 'capture' in order for it to agree with the rest of the sentence.

I was not sure if your subject matter was clear enough here, as it was a little confusing initially what the piece was really about. That became more clear when you reached the part about the 'charming man', and your descriptions of him are indeed the best, most engaging part of the piece! There is undeniable passion there in that writing, but the rest of the piece lacks that feeling of commitment and interest. A little rewriting would clear it up, I think, and perhaps you could consider dedicated more of the work to describing him and his actions, since he is the 'hero' of the piece, in relation to your opening lines. But I enjoyed reading this - it made me smile.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
104
104
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was so much fun to read, and so easy to relate to as a former college student who had professors just like this one, in classes just like this one, and I remember the clock-hands dragging as if in slow-motion too! Your portrayal of the characters here is well done with a lightheartedness that makes them seem very real and believable. Believability when creating multiple characters in a realistic environment, with mundane dialogue lain atop it, can be tricky to achieve, but you did so effortlessly! I simply enjoyed reading this, and don't have much to offer in the way of constructive criticism. Only this line:

Invariable, many classes passed when Brad endured Mr. Johnson in vain but today proved fruitful; a pop quiz was given.

That line was convoluted and confusing, which a rewrite would easily clear up. Just wanted to point it out to you. Well done with this! Fun piece!
105
105
Review of Remembrance  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A poignant and powerful poem that anyone who has experienced loss can easily relate to. Reading it took me back to a candlelight vigil that I attended several years ago, just after 9/11, and the weight of the silence there that night, the feeling of unbidden and uncontrolled tears that slipped out of my eyes. Mourning is something that brings humanity together, regardless of credence or religion or color or social standing, and there is something primal in shared grief. This piece reminds me of that, and makes me pause for moment, in silence. Thank you for sharing this - this was my favorite part:

Heads bowed as the bugler played ‘taps’,
and there was not another sound.
The omnipotent silence that followed,
reverberated across the ground.

Remembrance of a nation’s youth
now spirits standing proud and tall.
Remembrance that all we have
is built on those that fall.

Well done. Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
106
106
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oh this is great, and one of the most successful '55-Word'ers that I have come across. As I have written a few of these, I know firsthand how difficult they are, and how much of a challenge it is to convey a cohesive thought from beginning to end in so few words. This you accomplished, and with such eloquence. Well done!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
107
107
Review of The Downpour  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like the idea here, though the actual execution of the writing seems a little stiff to me. Don't be afraid to play with more poetic words, with more simile and metaphor, with bold adjectives! It felt as if you stuck with the clinical description almost of what happens when a storm comes in and goes back out. The best part, for me, was the Darkness section, although the last line struck me as jarring and brought me back out of it. You have a really great idea, and this format is a unique one that I think you can do a lot with. Just don't be afraid to get creative with your phrases!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
108
108
Review of Robo-ma-who-zit  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Haha, I am not really sure what to say about this piece, except that it was charming and whimsical, a delightful little slice of childish humor that made me smile! It reminded me greatly of the works of children's literature poets like Jack Prelutsky and Shel Silverstein, which I absolutely loved when I was young and still read when i'm having a down day and just need a silly reason to smile. This does that for me, too! Just simple fun, and clever enough to make you wonder what that thing could be! What would something like that look like? Fun!

The only technical note I have for you is a small matter of opinion only:

It bounces,
It bounds,
It’s the best of toys!

** I felt that the last line of this stanza felt abrupt in comparison to the other last lines in the other stanzas, maybe too short. Inserted the word 'all' before 'toys' would be a neat and easy remedy to that interruption. But that is only a matter of opinion, of course, and it does not detract from the poem itself. Well done!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
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109
Review of Just a Fairytale  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow, this poem really touched me, and flowed so easily from beginning to end. You truly captured the essence of what it feels like to be in unrequited love with someone who loves only themselves, and cares nothing for the feelings of others - to be used. Powerful, and written in such honest, straight-forward style that makes it even more poignant. Very well done.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ L.C.
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110
Review of How I Love You  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This is a beautiful and honest expression of love for someone obviously very special - I enjoyed reading it, and it made me think of the people in my life whom I feel this way for. You might consider expanding it, making it a longer more cohesive work, but regardless of whether or not you decide to do that, well done. Thank you for sharing it.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ L.C.
111
111
Review of Book Teaser  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a very interesting piece, very fraught with emotion and your character development is good - it leaves me wanting to know more, and that is a very good thing. It said in the post description that it was Chapter 1 of a book you are writing? The length seems shockingly short to be a chapter of anything, but that is simply my opinion - it has the feeling more of an Introduction or a Prologue, to me, than a Chapter, and if you are working on this book I wonder where the story is headed? Maybe you could give a little foreshadowing to what lies ahead of this narrator character (daughter or son? wasn't specified, and I feel it needs to be, even though you said "tomboy" at one point, that indicates a female child but not all readers will pick up on that)? But I was definitely hooked, so there is a lot of potential here for something that will draw a reader in. I want to give you an edit of the work, so that you can work on the technical aspects as well as focus on content and style.

Curse words that my once virgin ears should never hear, thumps of human bodies sounding like my room is in a stable accommodating wild horses, sobs from my mother as if my grandpa had died all over again. I tried to protect her once but my efforts were incompetent against a grown man. It angers me, knowing I can't do a damn thing to stop it. He's been arrested, but my mom always takes him back for reasons I'll never understand. She tells me she needs him, that without him, we would live on the streets. I would rather live on the streets then in this hell hole I call home. But what makes a home anyway? Is it a mother baking a pie with a smile on her face as she pulls it out of the oven, or children sitting on their parents lap while they read them a story, oily marks from pictures with smiling faces staining the walls from the countless years they will hang there, or awards and coloring pages held by magnets on the fridge? Or is it just walking into a place held sturdy by the four walls that surround you and feeling this overwhelming amount of love and happiness hug you, invite you in, make you feel as if there's no other place like it? There's no place like home.

Besides, in my case I've never been to a place that was filled with so much hate and resentment other than my own "home".

Robert wasn't always so mean. I remember when mom first met him; we were at the store doing our weekly grocery shopping when mom knocked over an arrangement of cans. Embarrassed as she was, I helped her pick them up, both of us red faced and giggling, when a tall man, dark brown hair[edit out: comma] about to his ears with a hint of aging gray in his bangs, nice chizzled face, and a smile any woman would fall over dead for, leaned in to help. Mother talked to that man for a good twenty minutes while I was putting all sorts of goodies in the cart, her being completely vulnerable to what I wanted with a stranger around. I was sly.

He came over for dinner that week - we had mom's famous lasagna. She only cooks that for special occasions. When he rang the doorbell, mother peeked out of the bathroom and I could tell she was trying to look as beautiful as her age would let her. [edit out: 'and'] I could smell her perfume tickle my nose from the living room as I answered and he leaned down, "Hey kiddo, I brought you something." It was a little jewelry box, pointless for a tomboy like me, but thoughtful, needless to say.

You would have never thought that four years later[edit out: comma] he'd turn this house into a broken home, make me fear his arrival when I hear his car pull in the drive, or be the cause of all the degrading bruises left on my lovable mother.

A few other notes for you: Tense agreement. I have this same problem in my own writing, so it's completely understandable, but it is something we have to pay close attention to. Make sure after you have written a piece that you go back through and ensure the tense is the same all the way through it.

Try not to use too many contractions when writing, although stylistically it is more than fine to use them some. Too many, however, gives something a too-casual feel that can sometimes cause a reader to become disinterested. Something else I noticed, and you can see the correction between the original copy and the edit copy I provided, is run-on sentences and comma-splicing. Don't worry, these are mistakes that can plague the best of us, and the best remedy is just a good read-over when you finish something, to make sure it is technically sound. I know how easy it is to overlook things, though, and that is what makes a community like this so great! There is always someone kind and honest to read our work and let us know where we can improve - because we all can improve!

Please take this in the spirit it is intended - I really enjoyed reading your piece, and I know that you can make it even better with just a little rewriting! I know I would be lost without honest constructive criticism for my own work, since someone else can always see things that the writer misses. We are too close to the work sometimes to see it clearly - that's where reviewers can be such a big help. Thank you for sharing this here; I look forward to reading more of this story, and welcome to WDC!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
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Review of Vicarious  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This really struck a very personal chord with me, and I found myself sitting in still silence for a few contemplative minutes after I read the last line. I love poetry that does that to me, makes me forget to take a breath, forget how long i've been sitting there thinking about it. The subject matter here especially appeals to my innermost thoughts, because this is something I think every writer struggles with in some way or another. How involved are we in reality? Does it make us mad or blessed that we live in a world inside our minds that exists nowhere else, where we can escape to? Since I began seriously writing, I have often wondered if my obsession with the written word was an unhealthy one - though I always manage to convince myself that anything that makes me so happy cannot be unhealthy - and this poem gives a voice to those deepest, quietest misgivings, and to the silent moments of joyous triumph that we writers can take in our own creation.

There was just one thing I wanted to point out to you, editing wise:

Though the characters in my mind.
* Is that supposed to be 'through' ? Because I read it as 'through' the first time I read the piece, and thought that it was a very easy typo to miss, so I wanted to bring it to your attention. Hope that is helpful to you.

I absolutely loved this piece, and I will be saving it to my favorites, to read when I need to be reminded that I am not the only writer who occasionally ponders the nature of my existence, or nonexistence, as it were. Thank you for sharing this. I very very rarely give a 5-rating in my reviews, because I usually feel that there is always room for improvement, and this is the very reason that we look for feedback from others of our own ilk. However, I am giving you a 5 on this, because for something so resonating and powerful, yet simple and humble, I can think of nothing that would be more deserving. So well done.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
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113
Review of Wonder  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oh I love this - it takes me back to when I was a little girl and everything seemed to much more wondrous and exciting. Finding a bird's nest was the most pivotal moment of my life, and I would place it on my bedside table as if it were an altar. Simple things held so much more meaning, and it saddens me a bit to realize how much I have lost that ability to see wonder in life - that is what this poem makes me feel. It also makes me smile. I really enjoyed reading it, and have nothing useful in the way of criticism for it. It's just a delightful little piece. Thank you for sharing it.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura C.
114
114
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I loved reading this, and it felt very intimate and personal. It was as if I were reading your journal, glimpsing your deepest thoughts and feelings. I can completely relate to the feeling of obligation and desire to follow your spirit that you conveyed here in this eloquently written piece, being torn between the two. It is so hard to cut away from the mundane, cookie-cutter lives we are expected to live, and do something bold just because it feels right. For no better reason than instinct (and what better reason is there?). If this truly was a personal work, and you have truly been experiencing this dilemma of choice, I wish you the best of luck in finding what you are searching for, and finding yourself, and finding the courage to live life without regret. If this was fiction, then bravo, because I believed it and was moved by it. Well done.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
Laura C.
115
115
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
To begin, I am including an edited version of your work here below. My corrections have been made in red, and I hope these are helpful to you. First, you may not have noticed this, but your title is incorrectly spelled - it should be "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do". I will cover my technical take on this piece, then my creative impressions later beneath the edit copy.

Your writing is very to-the-point, which lends itself well to the action portions of this work, but it lacks a great deal of detail that I feel would give this piece more impact. Also, make that you use commas and proper punctuation to separate your sentences and phrases so that your writing keeps the structure that helps it make the most sense to the reader. The other technical note I had for you: I noticed an overuse of the words/phrases "as" and "as I", as well as "but". Be careful when you are writing that you select alternative ways to write something so that you maintain enough variety that your reader does not get bored.

There were also some places where your phrasing was convoluted and potentially confusing (it required multiple reads to get the idea clearly) - here is an example: "As I moved behind him he began to fall backwards from the pressure applied on his wrist and shoulder as I pulled his knife hand further and further back." - some rewriting could help this to be more clear to your reader.

One night I took the path to the stream to go over and meet in secret for a late-night campfire. The stars were out and I could see quite well, as only an occasional cloud floated overhead, unnoticed. I took the last bite of an apple as I reached the stream, tossing the core into the grass as I found the path that led to the campsite.

As I approached our spot I could see the campfire, but right away I could tell something was wrong. I could make out two other boys there and hear the sounds of fighting. I hurried up to the camp, trying to make out what was happening, when I finally saw my boyfriend lying on the ground being kicked by the other boys. Our eyes met only for an instant as he cried “Stop, please, take her instead,” pointing at me as I stood there.

The two boys did stop. They both looked right at me and smiled then, breaking into a run, they came after me. I turned and bolted down the path, my mind reeling, trying to make sense of it all. As I reached the end of the path I had to stop to catch my breath, and I could tell they would be on me in a moment. I looked left and right for someplace to hide but it was too late, there was no time.

He came in with an overhand swing with the blade. As I look back at it now I remember all the training I had and the arguments I would have with my sensei. I would say I knew the technique already, and he would answer “You know the technique consciously, but you need to know it in your subconscious. You need to know what to do without thinking about it, by just letting the technique flow through you.”

And flow it did. I blocked with my left arm but his swing was too hard and came crashing through my defense and the knife cut my scalp. But it was too late; my right hand came up hard into his throat and instantly starting him coughing. Grabbing his wrist in my left hand and stepping around him I twisted, grabbing with my other hand as well. As I moved behind him he began to fall backwards from the pressure applied on his wrist and shoulder as I pulled his knife hand further and further back. As he fell I kept twisting until he dropped the knife and I heard the loud pop of his arm dislocating itself.

This time his (edit out: 'other') friend did tackle me, and over we went onto the grass with him on top of me. I found it hard to draw breath as he punched me hard in the face. My vision began to blur as I felt him pulling at my pants. He pulled twice, ripping my clothes before I reached up and grabbed both sides of his shirt collar with each hand, (edit out: 'with') my arms in a crisscross. Then I pulled in tight, using my arms like (edit out: 'a') scissors to close around the arteries in his neck . As our faces came closer he stopped pulling at my clothes. Then suddenly he started pulling away from me, trying to remain conscious, but I wasn’t letting go. He swung his fists at my face, and struggled frantically, but my grip only got tighter. He finally slumped over into darkness as he passed out from the lack of blood to his head.

The other boy was realizing that his arm was useless and had come to the conclusion that he would be better off fleeing. So I found the knife and started after. He was having a hard time running with his arm dislocated so I caught up quickly. As I came up behind him I kicked the back of his leg, sending him to the ground hard.

* * * *

My ex-boyfriend was still sitting at the fire sobbing around his quivering fat lip when he saw me standing there. As he cried his eyes were (edit out: 'always') averted. The words came back to me now, “stop, please take her instead”, and became the only thing in my mind. Repeating over and over again like a broken record. Just then the knife must have caught the light because his attention went right to it and his glances kept going back to it.

That might have been the moment I lost it completely. I could feel the blood dripping down my forehead, and the bruises on my face. And looking down at him I could only think of what a sniveling coward he was. To betray me to thugs, and then not even try to help. He didn’t run to call the police, find help or anything - he just sat there crying.

I heard him scream as I cut off the first piece. A wild, panicked look on his face, and more screams as the second piece came off, then a third and a forth. The screams stopped but the pieces kept falling off one by one. One piece at a time I rebuilt my faith in humanity. I rebuilt my faith in justice, and established a foundation for vengeance. Piece by piece my anger left me and was replaced by a calm, overwhelming feeling of strength.

* * * *

My conviction was for fifteen years for one count of manslaughter. The other two were thrown out for self defense. I think they thought I was crazy - imagine that. The good thing was that I was released early due to overcrowding (they needed my space in prison for some kid that got caught smoking a joint or some such thing).

So now ten long years later as I stand here under the apple tree that grew from the seeds of that day, I see my new path. A path that has lead me to become a righteous vigilante. And so I find the knife that I hid so many years ago, and hold it close to my breast. The last ten years have resolved my thirst for revenge, a resolve to give violent criminals a taste of their own medicine.

I enjoyed your story - it was dark and striking as well as very easy to visualize. I am a martial artist myself, so I particularly liked your subject matter, and felt very connected to it. The twist of the boyfriend turning on her was an emotional punch that made the story very interesting. The core idea you have here is a very good one, and with some rewriting and careful editing, maybe some practice writing, you would have a fantastic piece! There are some things I would like to point out to you, give you my impressions as a reader and as a writer, that maybe will help you understand what to include in a rewrite.

I heard him scream as I cut off the first piece. A wild panicked look on his face, and more screams as the second piece came off, then a third and a forth. The screams stopped but the pieces kept falling off one by one. One piece at a time I rebuilt my faith in humanity. I rebuilt my faith in justice, and established a foundation for vengeance. Piece by piece my anger left me and was replaced by a calm overwhelming feeling of strength.
* This is actually my favorite part of your piece, and it is very intense. However, your lack of specification on what exactly she is doing to him makes me feel somewhat removed from it. When writing such a visual, violent moment it is advisable to give the reader a vivid description to latch onto - the more they have to think about what is going on here, the less involved they will be in the moment. Your choice of word "pieces" indicates something very specific already, but you do not elaborate further on what exactly she is cutting off and that makes it harder to connect with.

Your ending is very cool, plain and simple. I really like the idea of her being changed forever by this event - that it turned her into this angel of vengeance. This has the potential to be a very powerful short story - see what you can do with it, and challenge yourself to improve it! I hope you have found this feedback useful. I wanted to make it as detailed as possible because I believe that it can be even better, you have something very strong here already. Keep putting pen-to-paper!

~ Laura C. (TheDarkHuntress)
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Review of Endless Fight  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am very drawn to this piece, and very moved by your voice here. It has a natural rhythm and flow that does not struggle to exist, it simply is. Beautiful and sad all at once, I found myself taken back to my teen years, when I felt very similar to this. And I too began expressing myself through the written word. Thank you so much for sharing this moment here, it is deeply touching.

I have only a small note for you on it:
"but among all my family and many friends
their love never seems to end"

These two lines stood out for me due to their syllables, I think. Every other line up to this point tends to be longer, more verbose, and these I feel fall just short of the precedent you set elsewhere in this piece. Changing 'many friends' to mirror the previous subject of family ('all my friends') would add to its emotional punch through reinforcement of the idea with repeated phrasing, and correct the syllable issue. The second line could be made more fluid by simply adding a single syllable: I was thinking something akin to 'their love just never seems to end', but that final decision will of course be in your hands, as the author.

Again, I loved this piece and I hope you found this helpful and constructive. Well done. Keeping fighting - trust me, you get to rest eventually. Keep putting pen-to-paper!

- Laura C.
117
117
Rated: E | (3.0)
This piece is heavily laced with emotion, and you do a good job of drawing the reader with you into that emotion, and inspiring memories of being treated thus (as, indeed, we all have been). I can tell that a lot of passion went into this work and that makes me more involved in the reading of it, more invested. Given that, I wanted to take a moment to give what I hope will be helpful points of improvement.

First things first - your title. You spelled 'involuntary' correctly throughout the body of the work, but it is spelled incorrectly in the title and that can be very off-putting for potential readers. I am glad that I did not let it deter me enough that I did not read this great piece, but I certainly noticed it.

"we have all been told multiple lies"
... This is a point of aesthetic preference, but I feel the word 'multiple' breaks up your rhythm here in a jolting, unpleasant way. You might consider using the phrase 'so many' or something similar in its place so that your flow is preserved.

"you desperately want to say "God, it isn't true!"
Truth be it God knows you do"
... The second line here is confusing, and I am unsure what you meant for this to say, but it isn't clearly communicated to the reader what you want them to know here. A rewrite would do wonders to restore its message and clarity.

"but when reality hits your faced with......"
... This is a very common error, so don't feel bad about this because I see it ALL the time. 'your' is incorrect - you want to use "you're" here, because you are implying "you are", not the possessive conjugation of 'you'. Nothing that some careful editing can't fix and prevent :)

You might want to consider, also, capitalizing your lines that aren't a continuation of the previous line, to give it more organization and make it easier to read and process. Currently, as it is, your message is getting slightly lost in the messy lines - cleaning it up a little would help that a great deal.

I enjoyed reading this for the sad nostalgia it invoked, and the reminder that when you grow up such things become so much clearer and smaller. You are very adept at injecting intense emotion into your writing - keep at it!

- Laura C.
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Review of Key Ingredient  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was delightful, whimsical, and sweet - it reminded me of being a child myself and praying so HARD for snow so that my brothers and sister could build a snowman together. Unfortunately for me (as far as wanting it to snow, anyway), I grew up in Georgia and we don't get much in the way of winter precipitation here (unless you count the freezing cold rain in late November). So this piece appeals to me a great deal especially for that reason.

The only thing I feel it's lacking is detail of the bearded man, although I understand you were under a word-count constraint when you wrote it. Also, just a note of opinion, I think the word 'children' would work slightly better than 'kids' just because this figure seems ancient to me and I don't feel he would use the word 'kids', especially in combination with the poetic feel of the rest of that sentence. Well done indeed - a fun and memorable piece of work.

Keep putting pen-to-paper!
- L.C.
119
119
Rated: E | (3.5)
Let me begin by saying that this is beautiful, and I am taken especially by the rhythm of it! Reading it was like a song, and I read it a second time aloud just to hear that beautiful syncopation in an audible voice. This is the kind of poetry that stays with you, and I believe this particular piece will stay with me.

My only issue was LENGTH. I did not feel the piece was long enough to truly hook the reader and implant the lovely rhythm and the sorrowful, enchanting subject matter in the mind, in the heart. Is there a specific length restriction for the Ghazal style poetry? If not, you may want to consider expanding this poem. But I really enjoyed what you have here.

Keep putting pen-to-paper!
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120
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Let me begin by saying that his was an engaging and enjoyable read that was over all too quickly! Your characters are multifaceted and interesting, and relatively easy to bond with. I like the subject matter - it seems somewhat steampunk, which is unique in and of itself, and the semi-sci-fi fiction/western tone is fun and cool, making it something that the reader WANTS to read through to the end. The air of mystery lends it a layer of interest that many works of this ilk tend to miss the mark on.

There were some flow issues for me, however. The skipping between POVs so -much- and so -frequently- can be disorienting and confusing to a casual reader, causing them to lose interest, and even a dedicated reader may become annoyed with this constant switching. It does not lend any more urgency to the sections, which are well-written and do not need a gimmick to be exciting or suspenseful, so it seems a waste of the writer's and the reader's energy to do so. You might consider editing them together, or editing it down to only a few of these switches. Also there was a line that stood out to me as convoluted, when almost everything else was written very well and was smooth:

"The man known as Jonathan silently wondered if, perhaps if he just stepped out around this corner and flashed his badge, if just maybe the entire gang would simply give up and come with him peacefully."

This line can certainly be streamlined and smoothed out so that it doesn't break up the flow of the work, which at its present state it certainly does. I found it distracting, and felt that it did not match the ease of the writing in the rest of the piece. I hope these observations are useful to you - but I want you to know, this was definitely a fun and interesting read. Keep putting pen-to-paper!
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Review of Weathervane  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I enjoyed this immensely! A striking, poignant message artfully woven into such a brief but powerful moment of self-discovery. It was fantastic to be sitting and looking over this woman's shoulder while she realized something so tremendous about her life, and herself. The symbolism of the Pegasus weather vane is subtle and deep without being heavy-handed.

I do not have anything critical to say really - nitpicking this piece would be pointless, because sometimes it is the overall experience of reading something that matters more than the small details. Wonderful. Keep putting pen-to-paper!
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Review of One Too Many  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Wow, this was an intense experience to read. I have had nights of partying where I can relate to her feelings, but this went to a darker, more fatal place than my personal times have even been. The back-and-forth of the point of the story was disorienting, which allowed me to experience that along with Kathy, and I was afraid for her through the piece. A tragic ending that leaves me wanting - I feel that for true closure to this piece it would be better for the reader to know for certain what was happening at the very end. At the end she is suddenly at the bottom of the stairs and - what? Slipping into unconsciousness? Or dying? And she is surrounded by her friends? Where did this guy take her that somehow she ended up back where her friends were? She wasn't gone long enough that they realized she was missing? Just some questions that you might consider answering if you ever revisit this for a rewrite. The abstraction of it reminds me more of poetry than a short story, but I liked it very much despite this. Well done. Keep writing!
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Review of Silence Me  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is raw, blunt emotion scrawled into words that claw at the reader, forcing feelings to the surface that may be uncomfortable but are real. I think most people can relate to this feeling you are expressing, and this is an excellent example of how therapeutic writing can be. Getting these things out on paper can save a life, and lead to better understanding of oneself.

The short, staccato delivery of the lines and the length of the piece adds to its intensity and the feeling of hopelessness that is poised to fall upon the speaker. Also the beginning and ending with the same line is a very powerful vehicle for invoking emotion and connection to this voice. Beautiful, sorrowful piece that I can relate to. Well done.
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Review of The Veil  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
I felt that I was with her on this small nocturnal journey, walking just behind her as she went about this ritual. The first stanza especially I found stirring - brambles catching at velvet robes. Beautiful. Perhaps my only critique would be that it did not quite seem long enough to completely engage me in the character, this woman who is not alone. And that the way you have broken up your phrases is slightly jarring, but only interferes minimally with the overall tone of the piece. Good work ^_^
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Review of Prolouge  
Rated: E | (2.0)
I think you have a good, intriguing basic idea here that needs careful cultivation and nurturing to blossom into a fully-formed piece. As I am reading it I am very curious about what is going on, where this is happening, who these characters are, what is motivating them to do this, why this is occurring (and for at least 100 years!) - I just need more! I like to read things that spark my imagination and make me fill in the details myself, and this accomplishes that.

However, the abrupt phrasing and word-choice made it a little difficult for me to be engaged and enveloped by the tale you were telling, and I found it to be slightly convoluted in places. I feel that with a rewrite and an expansion of plot and character development you would find within this a wonderfully mysterious fantasy piece that tells a clearer, more moving story in which I am more drawn and attached to the events.

Also, I am not sure you noticed but I wanted to give you a heads-up that your title is misspelled? Unless that is intentional? Prologue.

This was a very interesting read - thank you for sharing, and keep putting pen to paper!
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