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1,497 Public Reviews Given
1,959 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a form I use for reviews. I look for a Goal, Motivation, Conflict and Resolution. It also allows me to tell what I liked and what I thinks needs improving. In my reviews I may make suggestions by adding my take on what the author is trying to say. Purely a suggestion to take or leave as needed.
I'm good at...
Giving in depth and fair reviews. I usually review stories that interest me. I don't always like them but they have promise and potential. I am fair but I AM reviewing. I do not review grammar or spelling. I do point out past and present tenses as well as the over use of WAS, WENT, THE and THAT in one story so watch those.
Favorite Genres
inspirational, mystery,action/Adventure, paranormal and anything that falls into those broad genre, some fantasy and comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Vampires,YA or adult. This genre is overrated and unless you write much better than Steph Meyer, I probably won't read it. Most Non-fiction unless the premise interest me. Always worth an ask.
Favorite Item Types
Everything in the STATIC file except the ones listed below: Look down
Least Favorite Item Types
Appendix, bulletin, campfire, in n out, editorial,letter/memo, lyrics, outline, preface, script/play, Poetry.
I will not review...
Poetry. I don't understand this style and don't feel confident to review it. Novel or novella, I reserve the right to refuse to review. Not to hurt feelings, but time wise it may be something I can't give good attention to, but always ask.
Public Reviews
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Review of Thank You Notes  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I think this is a great idea. Thank you for making them
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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

*Heart* Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I am a sucker for a good hook. You had one in the first line of this one. I am just like the main character, on a trip all I need is my book/laptop. I too have been engaged in conversation that lasted an entire trip. What transpired was well crafted and led me like a bird following bread crumbs to the end.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? To read her book. The newest installments by Ken Follet. Usually thick books with lots of detail to digest.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? The author is her favorite and the trip is long and will give her plenty of time to read the books in peace.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? A fellow traveler sits next to her and drops a line that cannot be left unanswered. "I killed a guy once." That leads to numerous interruptions of our main character reading her book. Curiosity overcomes the pull of the printed page and she must find out what this girl is talking about. All her reticence is brushed aside as “I’m Scarlett, as in O’Hara continues to draw her attention away from her book.

*Pencil* Resolution: Finally she gives up her reading. and hears the story, only to see the consequences of the girl's action come through the train car door.


*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? We see the main character, though we don't know her name, as an avid reader. Her actions show us that even as good a draw as the book is to her senses, the titillation of her new traveling companion has her curiosity peaked and she succumbs to the desire to find how if this girl really killed someone. Scarlett has a story. For some reason she has picked this person to impart her story to. She is the most colorful character revealing her personality through her smacking gum and telling the details of her own family dynamics. The more the main character questions, against her own desire for anonymity, the more Scarlett reveals the actions of her family and what led to her revealing statement, "I killed a guy once." You also revealed Scarlett's character in the way she responds to the questions. Like most of us, she doesn't use full, perfect sentences and gives out personal information like a stingy mother giving out candy to her children. Once, he even slapped me in the face out of nowhere just ‘cause I was smacking my gum and he was on the phone with his boss and couldn’t hear over all the noise I was making...“Was, I mean, is Rodney your ex?” the main character can't help but ask.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
Other than some how revealing the main character's name, I don't see much that needs to be changed.
He was my mother’s prince charming; a looker, but what a louse.” Tried to slip his hand up my skirt you may want to take out the quotes at the end of the sentence as they are in the middle of her conversation.

PDG reviewers sig

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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like this piece. It is the perfect example of being Christ-like. The reaction of taking off the narrator's hat and passing it to the others was just as commendable.
I would love to make this a PDG reveiw of 2000 character, but the story tells itself. The reward for giving unto the least of these is far more glorious than walking away.
A true story. A young man followed our church group who held street meetings downtown Los Angleles, to the church for service. A young minister talked to him and found he needed a job and had no where to stay. The minister took the young man to what was once called a "Flop house" paid for one or two nights and then found him a job as a dish washer or something. 50 years later, our headquarters got a letter with this story in it. The man found work, married and had grown children but remembered the man that helped him. He sent money to be given him if he was still alive.
Yes, Elmer was and we were all thrilled to hear this. Sometimes you don't know the results of what you did, but one day you will know it all! How exciting.
who was now shivering himseld fix this sentence.
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Review of Nightmare  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Writer,

*Heart* Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: What little is here is okay. I continued to read because I wanted to know what Cora' problem was. I like the two girls.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character?
Carmen seems to want to know why Cora isn't dealing with the fact she isn't getting enough sleep. All through the piece Carmen tells the reader that Cora is pale and sleeps all the time. She wants her to make a schedule so she goes to sleep on time.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Carmen cares about her friend. We don't know how long they have been friends. Does Carmen feel sorry for Cora's home life? Does Cora ALWAYS go to Carmen's house after school? Why? Why don't they go to Cora's sometimes? These are small details to set up the first chapter. Set the stage for the story. Why is Carmen so concerned? Has she lost someone in the past and fears losing her best friend? Most girls just blow off someone who won't listen to them unless there is a very deep connection. You need to establish this connection.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?There were no conflicts as yet. Cora does resist to tell Carmen just how deeply the nightmares are effecting her. She doesn't tell the reader either.

*Pencil* Resolution: This is chapter one so there is no resolution. We do however have a hook. We don't know what the nightmares are about. good choice to end it there.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? We see a little about the two girls. They are good friends, They are over sixteen. That is about all we know about them. No likes, favorite food, color of Carmen's room or if it is still decorated like a young girl because she can't give up her stuffed animals and bed. These are the details that tell us about Carmen's character little by little. If they don't go to Cora's house, why was it? did Carmen not like Cora's house? Did she feel odd there? Did the nightmares have something to do with Cora's family or house?
These little things can be dropped into the conversation.[Cora leaned her head against the open window and Carmen started the car. "Do you want to come to my house today?"]
Here is the opportunity for Carmen to interject a bit of her character. No or Yes? and why? does she lie not to hurt Cora's feelings? Say it is her turn?


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
After Carmen had finished her assignments she turned to see what Cora had been doing while she was working only to find Cora’s eyes closed with her head slightly drooping........ Carmen finally built up enough resolve and nudged at Cora to wake up. Cora slowly opened her eyes, the life seeming to slowly enter the hazel green of her eyes. When Cora finally blinked all the sleep from her eyes Carmen began her intervention. this whole paragraph is telling us something. Try rewriting this one paragraph to SHOW us what happened. How does Carmen know all these things? Give her first hand knowledge.
Carmen:"I left last night at ten o'clock, you had your nose buried in your text book." She gave her a knowing look, "I bet when I left you were in bed with THAT book. The one you told me had (fill in some book that might trigger her nightmares or explain them)" Doing this will help you to begin seeing how to show not tell the reader everything. If the reader doesn't feel connected to the story they will put it down and forget about it. Who cares? You do. You have a story that needs to be told


PDG reviewers sig

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Review of The Collapse (1)  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I have not gone through this as yet. I have great empathy for your feeling. How can one "review" someone's broken heart poured into words? What could I say about the story to in any way enhance or diminish the feelings?
My only thoughts, as the reader, could be I didn't understand the phrase "Not compatible with life" I don't know what that means. It might help the reader to understand the source of the doctor's words. We see by the actions that were shown, this wasn't something good. We feel the emotion and fact that it must mean the child would die, but there is no explanation of why .
Another observation is my own version of grief. I don't see the figure that hugged you was Grief. That is the name of the emotion you have, sadness, loss, defeat. The figure, from my perspective, is called the Comforter. He is sent to us at any time of grief to pass on to us hope where there is none; love when we feel loss; companionship, when we feel alone and we feel despondent, he is there to remind us that we are important, needed and perfect.
I also was not feeling the name of this fit the story. I suggest that your title include the Doctor's words. "Not Compatible" or " Not Compatible with Life."
Her heart, on the other hand, she imagined with a finger in each ear, eyes tightly shut, and singing at the top of its lungs. This didn't make sense to me as it was written. I imagine her head wanted to do this action, but not her heart. Her heart would want to just stop and be with her son forever. Her head told her this wasn't the time. There were others that needed her and she would have to hold it together for them, carry on. All this when she just wanted to drown the sounds of daily living out for silence.
If this is a true story, I am sorry for your loss.
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Review of The Gift  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

*Heart* Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I like this story. There was immediate action that didn't stop. It seems to the part of another story or will be. The ending was superb. The misty face in the ball the reference to something previous were all "scary." but the teaser to the next chapter left me wanting more.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? She is running for her life along with a friend. There is no final goal, only to reach a place of safety. She is also safeguarding a gift that is revealed somewhat as the story progresses.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? She has been intrusted with a gift. The reader is supposed to think, along with the boy, that the gift is the orb. I am more inclined to believe she will find that SHE has the gift inside her and that the orb is just something she will use at some point in time.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?The "hounds" have killed her mother. Possibly the same hounds are after her. They reach a wall and she must get over it. She makes a choice here that may have saved her life. She keeps the orb with her as the boy helps her to climb over with him.

*Pencil* Resolution: None. They rest and she is given a warning by a face in the orb. As I said before this looks to be part of a greater work. Since the quest was not revealed in this story it could be something like Wizards's First Rule or Hunger Games.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? We never know the girls name. We know she is betrothed to an another man who she knows wants her for her gift. She is pretty and smart because she has figured out that the man interested in her wants her only for the money or the gift.
We know little about her companion other than he isn't a "a fan of idle speech. We know she isn't that trusting and trusts her own instincts.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
They seemed to SUDDENLY come upon a wall they had to climb over. Why was there a wall in the middle of a forest, wilderness? Just suddenly there was a wall tall enough they had to crawl over it. why didn't they try to find a gate or go around it?
Second why was she carrying a satchel AND the orb and all this time she has not put it in the satchel? These seemed a bit odd to me,
There isn't much I see that needs work. The fact that the reader isn't told a lot of detail due to word count possibly, leaves many questions that may be answered when the rest of the story is told.

This may be a hard thing to do but go through and see if there are other ways to write the sentence without using the word "I." Sometimes just doing the action since the readers know who the main character is, better that prefacing every action with "I" + action.
I felt that the prompts were used correctly and in such a way that even if they weren't in bold there was no way to tell they were the prompts.



PDG reviewers sig

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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

*Heart* Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: This story touched me because this is something that I feel a kinship to as some of these things are things that we do at our family.
When you spoke about the "family" of ornaments it brought to my mind the year we had two trees. The one in entrance next to the stairway was decorated in all Victorian. Then my husband found this wonderful prelit tree and I told him we had no theme for it. So he grabbed all the family onaments. The sport bulbs, the ornaments from McDonalds that went with Under the Sea movie. The homemade ornaments and all the mismatched ones. That tree got the most attention from the guests at our Christmas party.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? To celebrate Christmas all year a round. There is a feeling of Christmas that draws people to the season. It could be the sense of love and giving that we should keep in our hearts all year around. When it was time to take our real trees down they were so dry it was a mess to clean up after. We went to fake ones. I always have something a little Christmas tucked around all year. A swag, our winter/Christmas pictures by Charles Peterson or the two Carolers standing in our entrance.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? They want the feeling of Christmas that comes with the ornaments and the carols. It seems that keeping all the ornaments around the house as a physical reminder of the meaning and emotion of the Christimas Season.
What I love about Christmas and I see you do to is the memory that it is about Christ's birth and that in giving of ourselves we are emulating Him. Decorations are just as a reminder as setting the Bible on the coffee table.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? There was an illness in the family that triggered the actual lengthy Christmas decor. Celebrating Christmas meant more at that time as there might not be another with the ailing father. Once we left one tree up for display to be considered for a Christmas Home Tour. Then it was March and then June and we decided just to leave it up all year. One year we put one in our master bedroom and lit it an night as a night light.

*Pencil* Resolution: While there was no resolution about the father's condition, the result was a lingering of the season so that sometimes the length of decor might last half way through the following year.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? No but the feeling that we get is that this family loves what Christmas means in the heart. I got the feeling it was more than the decorations because without acknowledging the real meaning of Christmas, the decor is just a false tribute to season so others don't think you are wierd.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: I think you did a wonderful job of telling us how your family feels about the Christmas season.
I hope that your father got to enjoy many more Christmas' with you.


PDG reviewers sig

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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Writer,

*Heart* Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: It was story that showed character, emotion and a moral. It brought a smile to my lips. Whiel I wasn't surprised by the ending, it caught me off guard. We tend to learn life's lessons from people with a strong purpose. While some may judge these people, they have that consistant strenght that we admire and remember why they stay in our memory.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? To hunt food for dinner. It wa a simple chore for a grandfather and his grandson. They left the house and went into the woods with a young dog to accomplish this task. The secondary goal was about the dog and its supposed training. My guess is this dog was not trained as this was its first hunting trip.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? The need to provide food for the family. This was a time when money was not plenty and the area they lived did not have a convenience store or grocery store right down the block. He is motivated to see that his dog learns with its duty in the household is. The young boy is observing the interaction between the man and his dog.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Firs the two had to find the animal. One of them had to have mastered the art of hunting with accuracy so he shot what he was aiming fore. Then the youg hunting dog they had taken with them must fetch the kill. The last part didn't happen.

*Pencil* Resolution: I will not give the end away. You will just have to read it.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? Yes. We see the grandfather as a mountain man. He had sage wisdom of his era. Life was black and white and no or very little shades of grey.
Jack, was a genuine West Virginia mountain man. He stood nearly six feet tall and was as solid as an oak tree. While he lived in a manner that people today would refer to as "hillbilly", I would say that he was a simple man of purpose. He lived a life of necessity rather than convenience, so he always seemed to have a good reason for everything he did.
The young boy was right beside him to learn everything he needed to in order to become a man.
I was six years old....t was always a long journey for an impatient lad, especially when it held the promise of a month long adventure. I have many fond memories of these visits, and of my grandfather, but none are as vivid as my first hunting trip. I think this young boy was probably fromthe city or a town it was quite different from what he was used to.

*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
There isn't much I would change. As a reader I would have liked to know more about the background of both Jack and the boy. I woud like to know what the boy's reaction to what he learned while he was there. However, we know what he learned in this instance.



PDG reviewers sig

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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

*Heart* Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: You have an excellent mind. I like where you take your reader. The traverse from past to present and then to the end told a great story.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? To kill the woman who killed his mother. Very simple and straight to the point.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? The queen or daughter to the Admiral has a long line of offenses that are reactions to incidents that displease her.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?There is still a fear of displeasing her and incurring her wrath which then results in instant death. I wonder, does she realize why that poor young man she’s dancing with is sweating so profusely? a reaction to a possibility of death.

*Pencil* Resolution: The man killed her as sure as she killed his mother and others. An act of subterfuge, retribution and judgement.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? No. We do not see anything other than the past in one instant. Then we see the present situation and its result.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
You change POV throughout this piece. From "he" to "I" you need to choose if your are telling this from personal (the man) or from the storytellers (He, she, they) point of view.
I realize that there is a WC limit. You have a few things that are redundant or you might have told more in fewer words.
Oh, she rarely orders people killed in the middle of the street anymore for offenses like my dear departed mother slowing her carriage to the annual Noble’s Masquerade. Trampled by her carriage maybe, but not beheaded in broad daylight and shoved into the ocean any more. I know what you are trying to say. Here is a suggestion.
She has mellowed through the years. She no longer ran people over in her carriage. She didn't order beheadings or death by drowning for minor infractions. You didn't then tell what she did do instead that caused the continuance of fear.
You have him walking away from his partner twice. He gave her a deep bow, then walked away with as much haste as he could without seeming rude.
Then Lady Elayne speaks to him. She should talk quietly as he turns his back to her. Then you state I walked off before she could find her voice.
I was biting the inside of my cheek; the next mine were running down her spine toward the small of her back. At first I thought his mouth was running down her spine. Switch the actions. "I was biting my cheek as our hands clasped together a top the orb in her hair. My other hand ran down her spine toward the small of her back when the dance allowed the closeness."
for fear they would mess up and step on her toes or worse, drop her. this isn't necessary. The reader and everyone knows this. You have already warned of this. Save the word count for something more interesting.
and though Princess Violette wanted to call for my head for my refusal, she found she couldn’t do anything anymore. Here is another waste of words. You might change this to "I knew she couldn't move, speak or order another death, ever again." I stood there, staring into her eyes until the orb within her hair noticeably dimmed, before I turned and strode away. delete "I stood there." we know he is looking at her. Start with "The Orb...
I did not understand what the orb had to do with anything. All the women wore them but you didn't indicate anything powerful or special about them. Her's held some power and the others were just copies? I don't think she would allow anyone to copy her. So you need to tell the reader its significance or leave it out.
had become visible strings and were tightening. this indicates to me strangulation. Yet blood sprayed? What really happened? I didn't get the picture.
If you decide to rewrite this, I would love to know what transpired in 15 years. Did the man who saved him teach him or recognize his abilities? maybe give him some amulet with power that he was able to unleash? just curious. You have a great mind with a story plot.



PDG reviewers sig

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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

*Heart* Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: What a great start to a fantastic story. I really want to hear more. I like that this young woman has no idea of her abilities. At least that the reader knows. I love your characters.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Harry must protect Cara. It is revealed that she has latent abilities and she must be on the side of the "Good" as there are Morlock's (I assume them to be the bad guys) out to destroy her.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? It is not revealed, but Harry must protect Cara for some reason. In light of my knowledge of these kind of stories, I am guessing that she is a chosen woman for some great revelation or duty. They always are.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?This Morlock shows up and Harry recognizes him for what he is. Cara is uncomfortable around him and when Harry tells her to go to the kitchen and get him a piece of banana cream pie, she does so.

*Pencil* Resolution: Harry destroys the Morlock but it isn't the end of the story. We are given the teaser that there will be more. He had been neglecting his duties of protecting Cara, if he hadn't noticed she was so close to manifesting her abilities There was little time left before he must start her on her journey. But there was a little time, at least a day or two. Harry smiled.


*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? We are introduced to Cara as a young woman working in a diner. She is described to us as a caring woman. Harry is a bit of a prankster. They also knew that if he had taken something, he would give them a sheepish grin from beneath the blond wisps that stuck out of his black skullcap and deny it to heaven and hell. Then they would find whatever it was he had denied “borrowing” sitting on the counter as soon as they turned their backs on him. Harry is commissioned to protect Cara until it is her time.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
The second half is written much better than the first. You may think this is a bit picky but the whole first introduction needs rework to make it tighter. Loads of information is thrown at the reader. Some of it doesn't make sense.
A diner doesn't have an employee locker room. If you have been in a diner it is a compact place where every space is utilized. That being said she would have a hook to place her apron, and then her coat would go there in the cooler days. Her purse would be in Mabel's office put in a drawer.
If she is expected to cook and serve then that should be told. What is Harry's job? At first he seemed like a fixture not an employee. What is his job? Is he the server while Cara cooks?
If this woman is to manifest some power at some point there have not been signs? Things that don't make sense to her? Clues for the reader.
When do you WARM banana cream pie? had he asked for cherry or berry or something like that the sentence would make sense. Why did she throw a spatula at him? There was no provocation and he had already stated that she wasn't worried anymore.
You could throw in more detail as Morlock and Harry meet. Throw in his reason for being there. He could tell Harry that they have been aware of Cara since she reached puberty and something happened at that time to expose her presence to them. Why is she special? Harry tells him that his is her protector and the Morlock could intimate that they are stronger than one person. Harry could smile and say "You wish. You won't be around to tell anyone though." Then the fight. It is a little blah. Harry needs to show his power better and the Morlock realizes he was played and was sent on a suicide mission. His desperation needs to be shown yet Harry overcomes him. I love the way he disintegrates.
This is bare bones of a great story to be told. I hope you put some flesh on these bones. You mention these were stories not limited to 1000 word count so fill in the detail for those of us who are waiting.

PDG reviewers sig

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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

*Heart* Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I love the plot line. I LOVE the way the story unfolded and even though I was pretty sure of the ending, it was a pleasant journey and a heartwarming ending. I was pleased to see the expected ending and not one fraught with disappointment. You wove the story in a wonderful way throughout the entire piece. Great job!

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? She doesn't have a "goal" but she has a love for her best friend's brother since she met him. She has a hidden desire that in a perfect world they would be together. This time there is a chance. Her best friend is getting married.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? It seems that in college they may have had a friendship. They had been so close in college, almost as close as she and Rita. And then they weren't anymore. They'd gone their separate ways and had yet to run into each other since graduation. This was a bit odd that if they were this close neither alluded to the fact they loved each other. Study mates. A casual hi and good-bye, then I could see this was a situation that was fraught with conflict. He couldn't seem to stop himself. There was a reason he had never made a move in college- she was his sister's best friend, and she was too good for him. This is the reason I think that it negates the first reference to their closeness. Any reader that has read the masses of romance stories I have, just blew over the conflicting information. A person reading for context will not. They may even just quit reading.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?The first is the one I showed in blue above as she was his sister's best friend. The next is her question of his date for the wedding. His know-it-all look faded. "Kinda. Her name is Monique. It's a casual thing." she thinks he has a girlfriend already.
At the wedding reception, for some reason Monique,Landon's date, isn't there. When they are interrupted: He didn't want her to see the name across the screen, but she must have because she asked, "Monique?" and Rita walks away. Landon and Rita have miscommunication. A great conflict in romance writing and you did it very well.


*Pencil* Resolution: He'd just come from Monique's apartment, telling her that he loved someone else, and now didn't have the courage to go up and say the same to Chloe. He does this and they end up saying they love each other.When he let her breathe, she didn't know what to say. What were the right words? "I love you. I always have." He grinned. Apparently, those were the right words. "Me, too."

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? Yes you did a very good job of working their thoughts and POV into the story. I didn't feel any disconnect to them. They followed the process and their love was shown not told, even though the words were there.
We see that she is a journalist, possible successful as she has her own office so that was a great indicator. Landon is a little less visible in his work situation, but as it isn't a deal breaker, it isn't missed.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
The beginning was like waiting for paint to dry. The short sentences need to be formatted to a complete paragraph so it is cohesive. It was a rough start but once the three were in the room it smoothed to a good flight.
The only thing I would suggest is that you make the transitions a little smoother, but it was a great story.


PDG reviewers sig

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Review of The Station  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello !
I just finished reading your posting and I would like to offer this review of my humble opinion. I hope that you will find it helpful.

Overall Review: This is a good start to a story. It had me interested from A man awakes in a haunted train station - or is it? I clicked to see what you had to say. You gave us the location and the situation. I assumed ghosts had taken over the station. The morning sun blazed into Buffalo Central Terminal.

Style of writing: I am not sure you gave a style. The story was too short to determine a style.

What I Liked: I like scary stories. I like ones that use known places of interest. I like your description of the woman. Her looks, how she moved and her smell. I liked that you gave a real comparison the the mystical world he was seeing.

What Needs Work: It was too short. My co-workers had left me behind, not notifying me of the departing train. There was no reason given as to why he was there, why he was left and missed the train.
There was no goal that he was moving toward, no motivation for him to be there or to stay. There was no conflict that was keeping him in that one place. He wasn't scared and no reason was given for his lack of fear that most people would feel.
I could not keep up with the advances at work. I could not keep up with the hustle and bustle of this modern world any longer.This seemed out of place. There was no connection for this to the rest of the action. It was an after thought as to why it happened, but why would he think that? The story didn't move from a beginning to an end, it just dropped you into a minute of time and jerked you out for no reason. I hope you expand this story. Here is a suggestion for you to read and the reason I picked this to read and review

 
STATIC
Eastern Penn Tours Open in new Window. (13+)
What happens when men meet the spirits
#1791864 by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Review of The Birthday Bag  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello !
I just finished reading your posting and I would like to offer this review of my humble opinion. I hope that you will find it helpful.

Overall Review: Hysterical What a great idea and I continued to read to the end hoping for more and I wasn't disappointed. The last person had to wear the tiara, pink and purple boa, princess earrings, tablecloth (works as a skirt or a cape), tinkerbell slap bracelet, purple wig and giant sunglasses. I can’t wait until the December birthdays!I feel that if this were done in more offices, there might be a lot less stress.

Style of writing: The POV was the author and it lead to a more personal view of what was happening. There was emotion and observation to this piece. I don't think I would have liked it if it were 3rd person. The card on the bag said “Read me first”. As I began to read the card I couldn’t help but laugh.

What I Liked: I really enjoyed the premise of the bag. The manner in which the author took up the challenge and played along. The instructions were clear and concise. It seemed from the format that the author, and myself if I were in the same situation, would take this as a routine, not to be broken. So, in the spirit of good fun I picked up the bag and took it into my office. The bag contained a pink and purple feather boa, a tiara, princess clip on earrings, garden gloves, a reed diffuser air freshner and a birthday tablecloth. I liked that the fact she paraded around the office looking for the promoter of the Birthday Bag. The fact no one seemed to know about this was even more funny. I like that the instructions included the odd looks she might get. That really made the wearer feel more comfortable donning the apparel and strutting her stuff. After reading on the result made the story even more funny. Yet is was all in good fun and no one was hurt in the making.
What Needs Work: Christy Gibson is one of our RN’s. Up until this time I had always perceived her as kind of quiet. Boy was I wrong! Christy has quite a sense of humor and is our resident prankster. Here you are telling us something after the fact. This should be at the end as a side note or epilogue. You did not know this at the time and as you are writing this as it happens you wouldn't know this. It just seemed odd that it would be inserted here rather than at the end.
Many pictures are taken to be added to a poster depicting all of our staff birthdays. This needs rewording as the following sentence is about something different. You might start a new paragraph. The only things that I really feel needed work is the lack of detailed response to all the birthday celebrants. I am sure there were many more laughs and comments.


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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Bikerider,
This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.



*Gift1*Plot I love this plot. Not only because it is true but because you bring out the angst in the characters. They love, they lose, they win, they concede.

*Gift2* Characters Severino is Italian and marries Angela. From the chapter points and from what I have read previously I see the story unfolding in a manner that will hold the readers interest especially the end.
Traveling to and from Italy seems to increase their family in spite of the fact this wasn't a love marriage.

*Gift3* Reference While the era is the '40's during WWII the archaic mentality of marriage, right and wrong, are as skewed as it was a hundred year prior. You bring out intricacies of Severino's marriage, friendships and his dancing with the devil in an affair.

*Gift4* General impressions I like where this story goes. I love the chapter breakdowns as they give the feel of what the story will become.

As you know, I am working on a fiction story of just one part of your family story. It is coming along slowly as you well know how these things go. I look forward to reading the full story about these two!
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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

*Heart*I am a student of the Rockin' Reviewers. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I am a sucker for Christmas stories and this one cut right to the heart. The tale is told simply as a conversation interspersed with wrapping a present. The nuances of the tale and the wrapped present at the end were both beautiful and well merited.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Jason is visiting his grandmother. While there doesn't seem to be a reason for his visit, no annual, monthly or weekly ritual, he wasn't too much of a surprise to Nona. He casually asks his grandmother what she was doing.
“Actually, I was in the middle of wrapping a gift.” He followed her into the living room.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? “Who's that for?” he asked. It is his natural curiosity that prompts him to ask this question. What he gets is far more that a simple answer. “A little girl,” she replied. When he looked questioningly at her, she went on. “I picked an angel from the tree at church. See?” She handed him a paper angel that had been colored in with crayons, with a loop of red yarn running through a hole punched near the top. “I pick one every year.”
“Really? I never knew that.” Jason has opened the floodgate. Wanting to share a part of her with her grandson, maybe to have a connection with him or just to instill some of the season's meaning to him. a grandmother or mother knows when something is bothering their children. She is passing on a very personal bit of her life to him.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?Jason hears that his grandmother came from a very poor family with a lot of challenges. She saw the way others were gifted and hr family was not, when it came to Christmas. She also told him how at one time I was always sad because my brothers didn’t get anything. And I got so I hated Christmas. I hated Santa Claus because he didn’t bring my brothers anything.” While Jason didn't respond with his own similar thoughts of Christmas he listened.

*Pencil* Resolution: Not wanting to give away the ending I will say that Grandma accomplished her goal of sharing a lesson with Jason and I am sure the result was reported to her.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? The only details we know about the two is their height ratio and that they are related. Other that the attachment and detachment to Christmas there is little else about the Characters themselves we learn. We do, however, learn a lot about Grandma's life as a child with its hardships.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:

Nona was sitting on the powder blue settee. Jason was following her and then he saw her sitting there? this sentence seemed odd
During the telling, Jason never said a thing. He disappeared from the room. We only saw and heard Nona talk. He only made on comment until she was finished. We didn't see her, only her words. It just made it a bit disconnected, but it is a short read so not too bad.



PDG reviewers sig

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Review of The Dead Letter  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Liam

This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.



*Quill*Characters: Malcom delivers mail. He has a good sense of humor, is very curious and a ittle nosey. He also has an inventive mind.
My curiosity got the better of me so I pulled over to the side of the road and opened my mail pouch.


*Quill*Plot: Malcom has a special delivery to make 90 miles away. Along the jouney we are invited into his thoughts and feelings as he drives. I like the way you have inserted tidbits of personality and character into the story. We get a good feeling of Malcom.
I chuckled to myself that this letter must have fallen behind the filing cabinet during the last century. Now feeling at least a little better about making the trip to Masonville, I pulled back onto the road and continued my journey.

*Quill* Conflict The only conflict I could find was the length of the drive and the closed shop. Then I remembered that the letter itself was a conflict. He wanted to know the contents and the effect it might have on the receiver. He had to wait until he arrived at his destination. He also had to hope the receiver would share the contents or the sender's identity with him. All of these, though not retold in the story is inferred to the reader. The connection the reader has with Malcom is one of familiarity. We have all been in a similar situatiion. Even as a child waiting to open a Christmas present is not unlike this feeling.

*Quill*Pace: The buildup of the drive and what he sermizes has happend to the yellowed envelope maintains a gradual climb to the climax. He even laughs at his ideas knowing they are most likely to be true. We are on edge as he arrives at his destination. A flowershop, with an elderly woman inside.
i could have just slid the envelope through the available mail slot, but since I noticed an elderly woman arranging flowers inside, and knew the letter to be quite old, I decided to knock. He is logical but his innate curiosity overcame logic and he gives in to it.
I declined the beverage but asked if she would mind if I inquired about the contents of the envelope.The nobless in him rises but the need to know wins.
As I drove back to Carver City I vowed never to regret the long trip to Masonville again. The end. His curiosity has been satified.
*Quill*My Overall Impression: I love this story. I love the human curiosity in all of us that desire to know everything. There is a story in everything if we just take the time to look. The ending may be heartwarming as in this story or even rile our sense of judgment. It is the type of story that keeps us reading.

*Quill*What Needs Work: There is nothing I could see that would need work. I am not suprised you received a ribbon. It is a very well thought out story that leads the reader wanting to knwo the ending.


You've just been reviewed by a Paper Doll Gang member

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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I totally agree with all you wrote. This is not a review because there is nothing to review when anything I might comment on would be just plagiarism. You did such a good job on this!
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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

*Heart*I am a student of the Rockin' Reviewers. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: Severino has a goal here even though it is assumed. I get a good look at his mind, his drive and his sense of fairness as well as what he deems to be "right" and "wrong"

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? To have the "American Dream" of making money and becoming rich. Having his family (son) by his side. He doesn't necessarily want the old wife, but may have a new woman at his side if she is a better fit for the moment.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? The old hard life and the promise of riches that he has seen and heard about. This piece doesn't offer the harsh realities except that his room is in a lower class area and he keeps his money locked in a box under his bed.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? He has to work. He hasn't made it to the top yet. He has a love interest but even that has its drawbacks as she begins to ask too many questions as to Severino's state of mind and his own goals.
Severino put what was left of his pay, after expenses, in a locked, metal toolbox and kept it under his bed. He didn't spend money on anything that wasn't a necessity—except for the once a week evening with Antonia. Dinner and a glass of wine was a small price to pay for the comfort she provided. After all, he mused, a man was entitled to have his needs looked after. Antonia asked him about his wife back in Italy only once, as they ate dinner in a small, family run restaurant. The last sentence might be put in another paragraph.

*Pencil* Resolution: He doesn't have his family with him, he is alone in the night.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? We see more of Severino, what he thinks and how he processes his personal desires. What he justifies and lives with. He has affairs yet goes to church. There is definitely a conflict of interest within his sense of reality. When the cats away the mice will play is what I am seeing in this piece. He has no one from the village that will report to his family what he is doing so anything goes. Yet his love for his son and his sense of posterity is very much in play. Guilt causes him to add the twenty dollars to the envelope.
"That will be her decision to make when the time comes. Whatever she decides is what I will accept. She can stay in Italy and I will continue to send money." He looked across the table and saw the candle light reflected in Antonia's eyes. "But my son?" His face pinched with seriousness. "...he will be here with me someday."

*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
I did not see anything that was flagrant. The abrupt changes from one incident to another keeps the piece like a diary rather than a story. I would have liked to see filler between the pieces. How did he leave the woman? where did he go? home? Then the last piece would make sense. The church part seemed to be dropped into the mix with no connection to either of the other pieces except the showing of his sense of right and wrong. That was a good show not tell, but weave it into the story. He got up from sleep, dropped the envelope into the post office slot then made his way to the church. Why? It was the right thing to do. How did he feel in church? Who did he see and why did he reach out for the girl? who was she? Many questions that could be answered in making it a story not a diary. I will read more that you posted here but I am sure you have worked some of these issues out by now.



** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **

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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+
I don't review poetry but this one caught my attention and I had to read it. It was easy to understand and the point was well taken. I think you hit it with the ending. This goes for not just poetry but all reviewers who thing they know how to review. I like how you say they are harsh and vain. I remember some of my first reviews. Ignorance is my excuse. I hope that when others read this they will know that good reviews will help an author and the reviewer. There are classes, here on WDC, if you just take advantage of them. I did.
How can you really judge another one's art,
when we open up our soul, to expose our heart?
I especially liked this part. Poetry is an art. Writing stories is a little different. I cannot write poetry but when one like this touches the fiber of one's craft with easy to understand words, it is a joy to read.
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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

*Heart*I am a student of the Rockin' Reviewers. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: This was not a story. I appreciate the thought process. This makes the different thoughts easier to read

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? I did not find a goal n this story.


*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? I am guessing she loves the vampire.“Did it not occur that I loved you the way you are?” “I was scared of losing you.” “You’re my mate. I cannot ever lose you. Or stop loving you.” “Then don’t fight... Or I lose you. They want to use you and keep me away from you. Plot but don’t fight.”


*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?There were many conflicts in this story. Everyday I am sent back to an academy, sneaked in and out daily.
But the shop was raided. We were captured and thrown into jail.
n red and black I found him and he looked at me in shock, “I wanted to impress you. You always admire these people. I wanted you to admire me. Don’t do this anymore. I’m free. I’m sorry.” Everything comes out.


*Pencil* Resolution: None. I didn't get the wrap up of the goal, Motivation or the conflicts.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? No this seems to be an outline of chapters. I can tell the story in the mind, but the characters have no voice or path. In the beginning there is no description of who the "i" is. even male or female. Names are not necessary, but who they are and where they are is important.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
If this is the outline that you want reviewed, there needs to be a clear cut goal, motivation, conflict and resolution. I did not see any of this written. am sure you have all of this in your head and these are just notes. I would love to see more character, detail, setting. There was some here but not enough to give me a clear outline of the story.



** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **

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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Writer !
I just finished reading your posting and I would like to offer this review of my humble opinion. I hope that you will find it helpful.


What I Liked: I like your story. It has a plot and good sub characters. There was good detail and description.


Did this follow Goal, Motivation and Conflict? No, there was no goal for the MC, just a stop on the way to or from somewhere. This was an information story that imparted little information but lots of description and detail.
Nothing kept him from his travel, nor did he learn much from being there.

Overall Review: I would have like to see a goal for the main character. Interaction between him and the guests, as if to observe them doing what they were meant to do, not just telling us what they do. At the end there was no moral, no experience learned.

What Needs Work: Just a few things that would tighten the story as written.
I was walking down this strange unfamiliar path the other day, through a lush green forest completely engulfed by an eerie white fog. Suddenly, as I rounded a bend in the thick vegetation, a very large and imposing Inn came into view. Read this over. What you are saying counters what you mean. If a forest in "engulfed" in a fog, you wouldn't see it. Think of San Francisco Bridge. In a fog all you see from the air are the twin peaks of the Bridge. on the ground there is very little to discern what it is until you get right on it. You might want to say "On my walk, I was engulfed in a fog. I could barely make out the road and the trees the lined the path. Out of the fog an impressive building came into my view. Then describe it as you did. How can you see a building but not the sign. Facing away was a sign but due to my parched throat, I did not take the time to stop and read it.
Now we know a little more about the character. He is thirsty and it has been a long walk.
Upon entering the Inn, my ears were assaulted with extremely loud and guttural laughter, a wave of heat washed over me, a plethora of delicious smells assailed my nostrils, and the interior of the Inn was much larger than it appeared to be from the outside. You have things that are not the same. Laughter, Heat, smells and size of a room three are senses and one is not. Choose the information and group them together. The next paragraph might be a better place to put the size of room.
I am curious why he ordered Root Beer. There was no indication to the style of food and the men that were represented would be given to the extremes. A reason why he chose this particular drink in an Inn would tell us something more about the character.
{c"blue}With a smile the bartender replied, "This a transit station between heaven and hell my son. Those Fat Cats are fallen angels, the ones most popular and in the greatest demand on Earth, the others are the least popular Guardian Angels."
As I quickly ran from the terrifying Inn, I noticed the fog had cleared from the outside sign.
On it was written, "Angel's Gate," proprietor Mr. Moses. This explanation confused me. I did not understand the purpose of this place. I did get that the man might fear something about the bad angels, but you didn't give the reader any reason for his fear. It might not be apparent to all readers.
Just a few suggestions to make this story more intense.





*Ghost* This is a Supernatural Review Raid on behalf of *Ghost*
"The Central Bank" Open in new Window.
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Review of Miss Fit  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

*Heart*I am a student of the Rockin' Reviewers. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I really liked the beginning and parts in the middle. I like that there was a bit of mystery in the beginning. It unraveled with the loose ends.

*Pencil* What is the Goal of the main Character? The only goal Sara had was to collect 100 mosquitoes.There was no other goal or purpose in this story.

*Pencil* What Motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? I think she just took the challenge to collect them but had no reason or benefit of doing so.

*Pencil* What Conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?She needed to find a way to keep them in the jar while adding more to the container. I guess you made that happen because she didn't want to let them go.

*Pencil* Resolution: I was confused at the end. She didn't do anything with the bugs, who would die in a few hours. Then we are introduced to some goddess and Sara isn't going to have fits anymore.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? I am afraid they do not. We learn that Sara's dad is a doctor but can't cook. That made me smile. He is a widow and Sara has some mental situation that causes her to have fits and cannot be with others. She reads, must love to go to the library and must be able to do so alone, since her father did not know she checked out a book of spells.

*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
As I mentioned before I love the plot idea that I think you have in your head. You just tell us instead of show us. Your Point of view jumps around in the story.
The therapists seemed to think and but it was merely conjecture, they really didn’t know why she threw violent fits like she did. how does she know this? You are telling us something not brought into evidence by the Dr. Did she overhear him tell her father or mother that?
Her dad thought it was just the great outdoors that appealed to her, Again and all through this you tell us things that the writer knows but no one in the story is telling us this. I understand you have a WC limit. If it is necessary to tell all this then cut something else out. I don't think her having fits did anything to promote the story.
You could have said. The only alternative to the countryside was drugs or locked away in some facility, in which case, she would be drugged. The belief that drugs would make her better caused her to become a shell of her normal self, a near lifeless zombie. Adding a small line that she was epileptic or had some similarities satisfies the reader.
What is lacking here in this story is the formula above, the G M C and the resolution. If in your mind you have given the reader the answer to the 4 questions to the fullest you will have a good story.
The end while it didn't match anything in the above part, was quite a tickler for more.






** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **

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Review of Tablet Magick  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

*Heart*I am a student of the Rockin' Reviewers. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. I preface this by saying I did this awesome review and my internet shut down so this is my second attempt. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I love a mystery. I love historical mysteries. This looks like it could be a promising one. I also like a little of the paranormal in it and there could be some of this too.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Mark has found a tablet that seems to have some kind of mystical promise. There was a second goal of seducing Jenny.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? As with any mystical artifact there is the promise of power, wealth or notoriety.
The tablet by itself was meaningless but by the power of belief, it became empowered to communicate with angels and demons, at least, that is what a lot of people believed.


*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?In fact, there was more relationship to the two tables than Mark would ever likely discover without help. Some things even angels don’t know. I this didn't make a whole lot of sense. But it seems Mark doesn't know all there is to know about the tablets.
It seemed to Mark that Ben Stacks was into some very heavy stuff. I don't know what Ben was into, and you didn't give us any clues.

*Pencil* Resolution: This is a beginning of a larger work.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? Mark is an historical nerd. The rest of the group just shows up in the story so we don't know anything about them.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: This piece is back story. You do a lot of telling things some in detail, about the tablet, and other times you just gloss over the people. There is a lot of telling not showing in this part. It would work better if you started with the ceremony and dropped into the story LITTLE BITS about what Mark learned about the tablet as the ceremony goes on. Conversation between the four people.

As they move through house you can describe the house. They can talk about how they came to get the house and how Ben is connected to them. None of this is told in your story. Mark can tell how he found the tablet and why the other 3 people are there. If this is a vacation place they are fixing up. You could start with them working on the mansion, and Mark telling them he found the tablet, its connection to Ben and some of its secrets. This would be the hook to keep the reader reading. Right now it is a bit boring except for the sexual scenes.




** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **

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Review of The Cruise  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Central Bank  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello !
I just finished reading your posting and I would like to offer this review of my humble opinion. I hope that you will find it helpful.

Overall Review: I know what you are trying to say here and it is a great start to a promising novel. There is a lot of work to be done on it, but you have the idea going on here.

Style of writing: You are telling the story, not letting the reader into your character's life. You are telling the reader everything that is happening and rushing to the end. Slow down. You have a long time to tell it all. You are mixing past and present. Use -ed all the way through with little to no -ing, or -es. "hummed not humming which is happening now when before it was "laughed."
As usual, when she entered a room no one really noticed her personally, just fat. Here you are telling the reader what everyone is supposedly thinking, yet you and she don't know that yet. We hear their reactions so we then know what they are thinking. Be careful from whose point of view this story is taking place and keep to it through out the work.

What Needs Work: You need to start the story with this line.
The[travel agency] waiting room was full of 6 gorgeous very shapely young woman wearing the latest skimpy fashions of the summer and 7 or 8 guys, totally buff and gorgeous.
As usual, when she entered a room no one really noticed her personally, just fat.
Of course their is always one person in any given group that has to be nasty and rude, this time, she happened to be a beautiful blond haired woman. This woman did the quick whisper in her friends ear while looking right at Priscilla, making sure that Priscilla knew she was talking bad about her.
Priscilla had learned to ignore such things long ago, but today it seemed to hurt just a little more and popped her bubble of excitement as she made her way to Nancy,s office.
"Can you believe the size of that chick?" She heard one of the guys say as she passed by the group of people.
"Dude were not even on our Cruise yet and we already spotted a whale!" Everybody burst out in laughter at Priscilla's expense.
Priscilla quickly made her way to Nancy's office door, knocked and rushed into her office.
She was nearly in tears when she entered Nancy's office. With great will power she managed to get her emotions under control. You said in the beginning this happened before. By starting with this, the reader knows a lot without you having told them anything yet. We know she is going on a trip. We know she is sensitive about her looks and that she is over weight. We know that she has a friend in Nancy. All this without TELLING it. From there you can insert her conversation with Nancy with them talking about her up coming cruise and why she isn't going to wait. You can describe her in bits as she is sitting there. She chooses the chair with no arms, she ignores the plastic one for the wooden chair. She hates sleeveless dresses and isn't sure what clothes to bring on her first cruise. These things let the reader know how obese she is with out saying She is FAT and FAT.
She liked this car because it had enough room for her to sit comfortably,the seatbelt fit without a extension, and it wasn't so low to the ground that she had to struggle to get out of the car. Here is another great line where you aren't really telling us she is obese.
When she describes herself have her do it while she is trying on new clothes. Have the sales clerk in the plus size store comment on her hair and eyes. Be excited for her trip. Here we are seeing her interact with people, show her personality.

Don't make people feel sorry for her. I want to know what the goal of Priscilla is in this story. We know some of the conflicts, but I hope this isn't just one fat problem after another. What is motivating her to reach the goal? and does she reach the goal or does it change in the end?
I would be very interested to hear where you plan on taking this story. As a Plus size woman, I want to hear more.
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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello !
I just finished reading your posting and I would like to offer this review of my humble opinion. I hope that you will find it helpful.

Overall Review: I love reading this kind of story in fiction, I love reading it even more when I know it is the truth! What a witness to the power of the name of Jesus. You don't even have to say all the casting part. When you call the name of Jesus with the confidence that he has given you forgiveness, you have access to all of heaven on your side.

Style of writing: You are giving a narrative here. It works to a point as it is you telling something that actually happened. It might work better if written in a different format. Less in your voice and more as a story, with observations of your world and the change you made in your life.

What I Liked: I liked it all.
My blood seemed to run cold for a moment.I was suddenly terrified to go near the shed. But I had to face fear and accept the protection of Jesus. this was very descriptive. I was beginning to feel what you were feeling not as an observer.
I have grown as a Christian and have had a few more supernatural experience’s involving demons and evil spirits. People do not realize that the devil doesn't like to lose. Keep your Bible handy and memorize the scriptures, he can't take what you have in your heart.

What Needs Work: As I said above you need write this less as a testimony a more of an account with a beginning, middle and end. Using: what is your goal, motivation to get to the goal and what conflicts are trying to keep you from that goal and what is the resolution even if it is on going. Starting with the first incident, then telling why you called your aunt. Why the books were there and what they represented, then the second incident, the call to your aunt and then husband and the result. End with But now I wear the Full Armor of the Lord. I love the Shield of Faith, with which I can withstand ALL the fiery darts of the enemy.
Well, that is the end of my story.
I will never forget it .
God bless.
This is one testimony I am thrilled to read and hear. I am going to check our your port.
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