Quick-Quill's (thekindred) Reviews

Public Reviews

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#3965517

Review of Gammy's Ring  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with Roots & Wings Group  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   Mar 13, 2014 at 3:21pm

Length:   2,823 Characters | 0 w/o WritingML

Dear Ruth Draves This review if for Roots and Wings Contest Goal of Main Character: Mrs. Marshall arrived at the hospital with a broken finger. That wasn't what the story is about though. It's about the wedding and engagement ring she wore on that same hand. With the swelling, she ordered the doctor to remove the engagement ring without cutting the rings off. Motivation: Mrs. Marshall wanted that engagement ring, handed down to her from her grandmother in law. It was given to her husband with orders for him to give it to Mrs. Marshall when he asked her to marry him. Setting: A hospital emergency ward. The conversation is held between Dr. Simon and Mrs. Elaine Marshall. A resident nurse stood by to help. Elaine, being a nurse at the hospital, knew the proceedure. Conflict: The "phalanges" ( I love saying that word) were so swollen the Doctor recommnded the rings be cut off. Elaine was adament that Gammy's ring be saved even if she had to have the wedding ring cut off. Resolution: I won't put a spoiler here. Let's just say the story about the couple and the ring kept me reading and the end made my smile even more. My Overall Impression: I loved this story. I loved the way Elaine used the story to distract her mind from the pain she must have felt as Dr. Simon worked on getting that ring off her finger. It also gives me a postitve reinforcment. While some may be aghast at her callus attitude about the wedding ring I want to believe that like me, the ring is only the symbol of the relationship. It doesn't represent a good, truthful or promise a lasting relationship. That comes from the heart. She didn't put her marriage success on that ring. One that might look nicer or fit her would be better than what she had. Her marriage was stable and secure whether she wore a ring or not. What Needs Work:That Mr. Marshall was sitting things out meant that the minor lacerations were probably a bit bloody – the former Deputy Coroner was infamous for being squeamish when dealing with the injuries of the still-breathing. This was the only thing I think may need a rework. It sounds stilted and doesn't flow as well as I think it should. It really was the only thing that stopped me while I read. The rest had me in its thrall as I read on to see where the story would go. A very well written story. You've been Reviewed for:

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#3960824

Review of Circuitous Fire  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   Feb 28, 2014 at 10:56am

Length:   3,161 Characters | 2,884 w/o WritingML

Dear Charlie ~ , What I liked about the story: It hooked me at the beginning. I wanted to know who. I wanted to know what was going to happen. Was this a horror story? Love story? spooky story? I read on. I have to say you ended it just right. Not all things have to have a happy ending. So don't let someone say change it. To me it was satisfying. I got the sense of consequences for your actions. I loved it. What is the goal of the main Character? To find out who is sending the romantic gifts. Livi has a number of options but the real one is quite the surprise. What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? the gifts are causing problems with her husband. His reaction causes her to have to think about her actions. What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? The gifts become more prolific and the reactions are getting worse. Resolution: We all have to face and be accountable for our choices and actions. Do the characters develop in this story? YES! This is where you excelled. We have a mild appreciation for Livi and the gifts from the secret admirer. We know her reasons for what choices she has made. We see Ray reacting from the choices he made at the beginning of the marriage and the changes in the relationship after the baby is born. You set the dynamics well and give us two very good, likeable and sympathetic characters. What do I think needs work: The transition between Ray and Dean was too abrupt. I had no idea what was going on. She's in a big bed with Ray then in then next line she says she's sorry to Dean. I thought WHO is DEAN? You need some kind of transition so we know she is actually having an affair. The one small thing that bothered me was the age. Ray and Livi were married 17 years and have a small baby, that still uses a bottle. Yet years ago they made the agreement he would be the stay at home dad. This dynamics confused me. If he worked to put her through law school and then worked for another 10 years why would he SUDDENLY give up his career to stay at home? This would be devastating to a man's self worth as men equate their success with providing for their family. This arrangement works for some but this couple because of the years before the first baby seem odd to me. My suggestion is leave out the years. Why would she marry a loser or a man with no job opportunities when she was studying to be a lawyer? I just think you need to make Ray stronger and that his job (maybe a computer programer or something) allowed him to work from home. Maybe he was a successful writer?? This was the only thing that stood out. The story itself was so good that I didn't really find anything else that stood out. You kept to the right POV and tense. It was a good story.

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#3960819

Review of Devoured  

Review by Quick-Quill

Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   Feb 28, 2014 at 10:22am

Length:   4,245 Characters | 3,905 w/o WritingML

Dear Charlie ~ , What I liked about the story: It was short and easy to read. I liked the fact you progressed the story with a beginning, middle and end. You used the prompt wisely and it didn't feel contrived. What is the goal of the main Character? A brother and sister are traveling down the road to their home. You slip the background into the story with ease that doesn't feel like you're telling me. What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Alex has picked his sister up from where ever she was sent to stay. You show us that Kate has problems by her reactions. She is sure a man was at the edge of the road and was hit. They needed to stop and care for him. Alex didn't see anything and suspects his sister is having on of her episodes. What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?Kate screams and Alex slams on the breaks in reaction. Kate tries to convince Alex a man needs help. Resolution: Alex takes Kate back to her doctor Do the characters develop in this story? Only that the two are siblings. You keep true to the story throughout and show Kate's mind as she searches for the injured man. Alex is concerned for her and only slightly worried about the possibility of someone actually hurt. What do I think needs work: The silence say Say isn't the right word here. Tense. "Silence said more than words every would" more than our words ever could as Alex stared straight ahead, knuckles white from gripping the steering wheel. This was going to be a long ride. I put my bag in the back seat behind me and leaned against the window, noticing Alex's concerned glances. There is a mix of POV and tense. It starts with Alex's POV, then switches to Kate's. Make it two paragraphs or insert after first sentence. He gave a quick glance at Kate. She curled in the passenger seat, her head rested on the window. Another glance he saw she stared at the edge of the road as it passed in a blur. Then you slip back to Kate's POV. I suggest you keep this from you, the writers POV telling someone what happened. Just as my eyes started closing, I sat up screaming. I felt the car jerk hard to the right, tires squealing as Alex slammed on the brakes. "What the fuck, Kate!"Here again the actions don't follow. She is closing her eyes (that means she doesn't see anything) then screams. The next line reads as if her reaction was to the car stopping. Make a new paragraph and start it with ALex slamming on the breaks and the car jerks and he swears. Now the action is a result of Kate's scream. The line where she claims the man was hit. Alex doesn't react right. His answer should be "Where? I didn't hit anyone and I didn't seen anyone. Are you sure?" he narrows his eyes at his sister. All she did was scream. His reflex to stop was normal. Did he pull off the road or just stop on the road? Lightning struck overhead causing me to jump and scream. -ing again. you switched tenses. stick with -ing or -ed. there is almost always thundar before lightning. If the storm in on top of you they may happen at the same time. Pick the one you want to use. "I saw a dying man. He was right here. How did she know he was dying? how about "I saw a injured man stand right here. I questioned this but only after the story was done and I reread it that I though she was crazy. You don't have enough word count to explain later on, so keep it to what one might expect from her. Was he standing, or lying when she saw him? I was confused about that. I walked through the thick wheat wheat on the side of the road? how about tall grass? Rye grass sometimes is planted near the ditches of roads. The rest is good but you will need to adjust the tense you decide to use and carry it through as well as the POV you choose.

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#3959886

Review of Holocaust Escape  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Feb 25, 2014 at 4:40pm

Length:   5,148 Characters | 4,827 w/o WritingML

Dear Hannah , What I liked about the story: I picked this story because I have a respect for those who endured the Holocaust. Who survived and who had their lives taken from them. I liked the way I was immediately drawn into the story by action. The story progressed to the end in a timely manner with all the elements that a good story should have. I wasn't completely satisfied with the end. I would have liked it to be a little more intuitive. It turned from present into looking at the past. What is the goal of the main Character? Liese was charged to take care of her sister Kristin in the flight for freedom from the Nazi invasion of their town. She had heard of the Nazi's and the terror they inflicted. It caused fear in everyone's heart but mostly the Jews who were targeted. Liese felt the fear of those she saw being tortured and their town demolished. What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? The fear of death or worse captivity.Liese see's the Nazi men have a complete disregard for her people as they plowed through them to breach the Synagog or Temple (not CHURCH. I don't think it is ever referred to as church.) The breaking of the stained glass and windows of the business. All possessions that were owned or run by Jews were destroyed. If they did this to inanimate objects, Liese was sure they would do worse to human lives. What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?The Nazi army went through the town rousting out the Jews. There was no description of what was happening or where they were sent.Only Liese saw everything that had been her home, town and family torn apart and scattered. They ran down the road then changed course to go into the woods. No further information was given. Resolution: No resolution. The story ended abruptly with no further information. It left me wanting more. More about these children and their family life before and after. At least what happened at the end of that day or the next. What do I think needs work: The story itself is good. It needs a little work. First I suggest you look at the first paragraph and count the number of was, went, that and got. These are filler words that cause the reader to be frustrated with the story. There are so many ways to say the same thing. I hope there isn't a word count limit for this story. I heard the shrill screeches of men, women, and children running around outsidePast and present tense in one paragraph. It should read I heard the shrill screams of men, woman and children as they ran down the street outside my window Choose past or present to write in and stick to it. If past change the -ing to -ed. Tall important-looking men were marching down the street with their guns ready on their shoulders. Ready for what? You see it but the reader doesn't. Were their guns planted on their shoulders, their bayonets pointed at the people who scattered before them? Or did they goose walk in a row, their guns firm against their shoulder, hands on the hilt ready at any moment to cock into position and fire on the group. You choose the scene but describe it accurately for the reader to see it. The soldiers kept push-ed(ing) their way through the town, not waiting for anyone who was in their way. change to -ed. town. They didn't wait for anyone to move out of their way but knocked them over without one thought of their welfare. What was happening? I was a 14 year old Jewish girl. Mother wasn't home yet. It was only Kristin and me, alone. Later when she is told by her mother they are the Nazi's she knows about them. I think she would have a pretty good idea who they were when she saw the uniformed men in the street. I would think that would be her first thought. Again, go through the piece and take out or reword the "to be" words. as I listed above in green. As they ran out of the city I didn't get a sense of what what happening around them. It was a single vision of they just running with no goal. They went through the crowd, were those people not running also? What made the mother run when others were not? What did she know they didn't? You might change "skinny path" to "narrow path" We had been cheated of our freedom, and had no place to go. This was only a start to what the Nazi's did to my family and me. I learned later, that this night, would someday be named Kristallnacht, or "Night of Broken Glass." I did not know what to expect at the time. Little did I know that I had a perilous life before me, just around the corner, as a future witness of the Holocaust. This was too abrupt an ending. This is separate from the story. This is You telling the reader something that is a subscript.

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#3959809

Review of Through Soulless Eyes  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: ASR ★★★★★ | (3.5)

Given:   Feb 25, 2014 at 1:53pm

Length:   9,455 Characters | 9,162 w/o WritingML

Dear betweenthelines , What I liked about the story: The ending. It was the best part. It hooked me, made scroll down to see if there was a link to Chapter 2. I was sad to see there wasn't. I liked Miles and Dr. Parker. I really want to know why Miles was in that room and I want to know if Dr. Parker is going to find something interesting in the journals that is going to make a difference in the way things are in this story. Many questions that have me wondering. You quit too soon. Which is just what you want to do. What is the goal of the main Character? This isn't clear. I don't know what Dr. Parker is researching and what Miles is helping him with. Their goal is unclear and this needs to be made clear at the beginning. The ultimate goal doesn't have to be made clear as the initial goal may change. The reader needs to know what the Dr. is researching. What is the goal of whom they are working for. The reader will then understand why he is peering in the microscope. I didn't get he job other than that. What happens in Chapter 2 may change the goal in Chpt 1 and that's ok. What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Here too I have no idea what his motivation is in this chapter. Why is he doing this job? Why did he choose this vocation? What was his hope continuing to work there? What would happen to his work if he didn't do it? What is the stakes in this story that will keep the reader wondering if he's going to succeed or not? What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? AHA! we have a body! That is quite the way to end a chapter. However, (BUT) we don't have any lead up to anything that is threatening. True you have a long diatribe at the beginning of the state of the country and the mindset of the people but it doesn't relate to Dr. Parker or Miles or give any indication there was a fraction against what they were doing. The reader doesn't know what they are doing. There needs to be a conflict in each scene. Something that is trying to prevent the Main Character from reaching his goal. It could be a competing firm, Parker was close to something or they wanted the journals. He had to lock them away and take only one out at a time. The safe was on a timer and could only be opened at certain times so whom ever wanted to have all the journals would have access to only one then have to wait hours (that they might be discovered) until the next time the safe could be opened. Setting: You gave a lot of description about culture but no definition of where this story takes place. City, country any identifying places a reader can tuck away. Do the characters develop in this story? The reader doesn't know much about Parker. I didn't read Miles call him by his first name and you didn't refer to him by any other name. Miles might call his name instead of HEY! The reader knows Parker doesn't have a romantic relationship, has no life outside his work, probably no family. An orphan? In this society maybe his parents are in the elite and wanted more from him but he wanted to find the next cure for cancer or why the titsi fly became extinct. This wasn't in their plans but it was the only time he rebelled and they disowned him. Now the reader can sympathize with him. He's a loner. He chose vocation over family and the hedonistic way of life they lived. What do I think needs work: I will start at the beginning. Cut the "prologue" just cut and paste to another page and write "Back story" Everything you wrote can be dropped into conversation and storyline in the story itself. It was boring and if I were reading it for enjoyment I would drop it in the "round file" You have to start with action. Start with the LAST LINE FIRST~! Shivering I pass the columns holding specimens from other experiments taking place throughout the institution. The temperature is kept to a strict minimum to preserve the cells. After passing through to the section of my investigation section I make my way along the corridor made from two long rows of shelves piled high with petri dishes, blood samples, saliva, eggs cells etc. but I stop abruptly when something up ahead catches my eye. To anyone not concentrating or in a hurry it would have slipped by un-noticed. I hurry over to examine the lump at the end of the aisle and freeze. It's a body. But that's not what gets my heart racing, dead bodies are nothing new to me. No, what stops my own heart is the unruly curls on this corpse I know those curls, I've watched them flop over countless hours examining specimens through a microscope. Its Miles. This grabs the reader right off and they will want to know what happened. The next paragraph is That afternoon I looked up and saw Miles for the last time." "I'm off" "You're leaving? Already?" "Already" Miles slips off his perfectly white lab coat and hangs it on the stand grabbing his winter coat and shuffles into it awkwardly. "Its eight-forty-five" he consults his wristwatch for good measure "Is it?" I ask pushing the papers back on the desk and stretching my arms above my head. "What have you got planned for the weekend? Anything fun?" I watched as his sky blue eyes light up with the excitement, and all the glories the two day break holds. "Nothing special. I was aiming at some light reading" I hold up on of the doctor's journals with a smirk which awards me a painful groan from Miles. "Please don't tell me your planning on still sticking around here all night?" he glances around the room and I pause to take it in. It hasn't changed much since we have acquired it; our work area is very clean; everything an experimental lab needs to be. Neat, clean, tidy and white. The floor is tiled the walls plasterboard and the ceilings high making the room a spacious work place. The metal stairs lead to a small office area where Miles has set up camp. The tables are all steel and the usual gloves, goggles and general equipment are scattered in a somewhat unplanned manner if very tidy, and I hate mess. "No, not this weekend, I'm planning to just have a good night in you know? Some kick back. I haven't had time for just me in a while." And it's true I haven't, since I have started this project my life has been all about my work, my days and nights spent bent around my lab and my studies. "I know what you mean" I look up to see Miles run a hand through his sandy blonde hair "well enjoy it, I know I will." "Oh I know you will too" "What's that supposed to mean?" his expression screams as if taking an insult but the quirk to his lip and the tone of his voice prove false. "Were you aware my ancestors, the ol' Brit's used to be huge party-goers? Looks like I take after me mum. You're welcome to join me you know..." "Oh no, no, no" I shake my head vehemently I distinctly remember my first (and last) Miles evening. A sort of initiation into his more than ampule lifestyle. After numerous let downs I finally agreed to a night out with Jeremy and a few of his friends. I also remember the Monday next and the headache that refused to leave me. "Suit yourself" he lifts one shoulder and lets it drop in his signature shrug "but you're missing out" I smile at him as he heads for the door not turning as he waves a goodbye back at me. I shake my head once he's gone, recalling again what lies in store for him once he leaves the lab grounds, and shudder. I grab another journal and set out again into my chair settling in for further discovery into the case. From here you need to show fear in Parker. He stands there wondering? Checks to see if there is anyone else in the room. Wonders why Miles is even there? He doesn't touch Miles other than to check his pulse. His fear of what is going to happen if he calls security. Here is where you show how the culture exists now. You don't have to show past and present. Once you establish where and the year, the reader will know the way things were. Unless this is a Sci-fi and you have created a new world. You didn't show that in this story so I assumed they were in the USA somewhere. He thinks about who he will have to tell. Now you can tell the culture. What is protocol? What will it mean to him that he found Miles? He'll be a suspect, he won't be able to work, WHAT is at stake? Now you have the reader really wanting to know more. If you want to include all that you wrote above. Have Miles and Parker talk. One is for the new culture, the other not. Parker has resisted the hierarchy to do what he wants to do. Miles might be using his brain just to have a job that gets him good money and the girls who want his status. Just a thought. You can show all this by Parker remembering the long nights arguing over these things. Parker throws up at him the waste of human life for the betterment of those who can afford more. Miles argues there is always a cost to progress, but one must live with the cost of lives if it means others will be benefited. See how you can add those things in the beginning as the story moves along. I hope this helps.

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#3952868

Review of February Afternoon  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (3.5)

Given:   Feb 7, 2014 at 2:29pm

Length:   3,512 Characters | 0 w/o WritingML

Dear Jessica , What I liked about the story: The first line intrigued me. Each line after that led further into the questions. This story had a rising theme. What is the goal of the main Character? I don't know. A woman opened or didn't open letters from some man? What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? This too alludes me. The rising questions of her action caused me to want an answer. It was the only thing that motivated me as a reader but there was no motivation in the character. What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?This too was lacking. She received letters, they made here cry but there was nothing to indicate to the reader why. Resolution: Nothing. I didn't get it. I read and reread but still didn't get what was going on. I wanted to so badly but what did the letters say? Where did the pages fit? Do the characters develop in this story? There is a woman teacher. Married? I'm not sure. What do I think needs work: the title leads me to believe that two letters will explain everything. I'm sorry it didn't. I really like the way this starts as it moves through the story. By the end there is no connection to each item explaining to the reader what is going on. Here is an example: he first envelope is sealed, taped to the page with the date written neatly just underneath. She’s never had reason to open this one.What "page" is it pasted to? Is she looking at a wedding album? Funeral or scrapbook of something? The reader needs to know what time or place this represents. Then you tell us The idea of having a yard sale at the first sign of spring the only thing on her mind. Here is another question. What place in time does the envelope represent with the sale? Something is over. Is the party deceased or divorced? There's no resolution. The next envelope is blue, and leaves glitter on her fingers when she touches it. Again where is this envelope? Why did she reseal it? Why did it make her cry when it was just their 5th date? The third page has no envelope, but a letter with sloppy words and crossed out expressions. It’s her favorite, Here again I'm wondering if she's looking at a scrapbook of some kind. Why did she cry all the time? What made her so emotional? Is that normal for her to cry at everything? Did he tease her about her crying? She saves the next page for an item of what’s to come. A copy of the invitation,Here again it seems she is looking at a set of pages, but with no explanation of what's to come. A copy of the invitation, or perhaps a rejection from a cousin who doesn’t support her decision. Something that will match the pattern. There is no indication of what is out of place? There is a "he" and "she" It seems to lead to a wedding yet at the beginning it seems there is a break up. I can't suggest anything because I don't have a conclusion to draw from. I'd like to have more concrete information instead of the vague references. I hope you will rewrite and let me know what you did. I'd be glad to do rate it higher.

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#3948357

Review of Copperheads of Ouachita  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  

Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Jan 26, 2014 at 1:07am

Length:   4,695 Characters | 4,280 w/o WritingML

Dear Parker Goal of Main Character: Joe just wants to love through the time he has in a very rough undisciplined prison. The beginning of this you told the reader the background, layout and workings of the prison yard. It was like watching Shawshank Redemption. You were detailed and have a good grasp at telling the reader by description what the setting is. Motivation: Joe just wants to to get through his time and get home to his family. What the reader knows is he had been used as a fall guy for his bosses. The reader has no knowlege of his feelings but the assumption is he is weak and unable to stand up for himself. On the other hand the reader feels sympathy as they are told his family lives in squalor. Setting: The reader knows only the name of the prison Ouachita and that it is in the southeastern part of what we must assume is the United States. Other than the demographics of the population we only know of the Solitary area and the yard. Conflict: You brought the reader through the set up to the yard and what Joe felt as he watched others in the yard system react to the heads of the different fractions. I love the fight. You did an excellent job with diescription. My only thought is your set up didn't give the reader any indication of Joe's ability to fight. There was nothing that led the reader to think he could defend himself. How would he know what to do and the timing to do it if he hadn't been in a situation before. I suggest you inform the reader because of the area he was forced to live him he'd taken a few self-defense courses. He might not have been any good but you can show that by saying, "many times he came home to his wife needing an ice pack or a bag of frozen peas, when they had them." This gives the reader some idea of his ability but also he's hard up. Resolution: By standing up to the leader of the prison yard gang, He cause a reaction that others took a chance and stood with him too. My Overall Impression: I loved the story. You have a great motivational story that makes people feel good when they finished reading it. You show that no matter how scared you are, stick out your chin and stand up for your rights. It might get you knocked down, but those that see you take a stand will be there to offer their help and support. I loved teh fight scene and the conversation. Wehn you put the character front and center in the story telling it from HIS POV and not yours, it will be an amazing story. What Needs Work: First you might want to use bigger font, so its easier to read. Second, at the bottom of your editing page are two boxes. Check the one that says double space between paragraphs. This also makes your work easier to read. You wrote this like it was a newspaper article. You might want to try to see what it sounds like as a Story. You begin this with teliing the reader everything about the setting and Joe. How about you have Joe tell the reader about himself. He could have a conversation with his cell mate. Someone who also is forced into the one White group. Show his fear and that he tells Joe he's going to have to make a choice and soon. Joe has escaped the decision for a few weeks as he "hides" at the edge of the yard, hopng to be unnoticed. Then you might have him in his bunk thinking about how he got there. Add a little from his cell mate as Joe tells the guy why he's there. How he feels about the fact cats in the suits stepping on the little guy tring to make a living for his family. You need to put new dialogue on a new line so the reader knows who is talking. Watch words as "was" and words that end in -LY. Some of those words need to be changed by rewriting the sentence. "Suddenly" means no one saw him. No one really "suddenly appears." A man might step up to Joe's side. Joe's heart skipped a beat and he took a quick breath. It was one of the Copperheads group leaders, "You can kill me to," His quiet, firm voice carried to the ears of his leader. You see he suddenly appeared and he made an important statement. The reader is all ears to see what the respnse will be. Don't disappoint them. You've been Reviewed by a:

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#3946766

Review of Seamstress  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (3.5)

Given:   Jan 22, 2014 at 12:16am

Length:   3,343 Characters | 2,948 w/o WritingML

Dear el zog Goal of Main Character: Your story tells the reader about an unusual woman who lives by the means of being a seamstress. Throughout the story her only goal is to make clothes for a single person. Motivation: I didn't understand your point that Sally gained anything for her work. There was no monetary reimbursement and one must assume by her unkept appearence ate and was sustained by magic also. Setting:To live in the wilds of England, in a cottage with no one who checks on her not even Social Services, I guess this story to be taking place a long time past. Conflict: I don't see any conflict. Everything reads like Snow White in the forest. I got that picture in my mind except for the dirty scruffy personage. Resolution:none. I didn't get any closure of facts as there was none given throughout the story to be resolved. My Overall Impression:I started reading with interest. If it were any longer I would have quit. As the story was short, I wondered where you were going to go with it, I hoped for a happy or a feel good ending. I had neither. What Needs Work: I saw Sally in the wilds of England. I pictured a woman in her mid age but happy to have a job that kept her busy and fulfilled. I didn't get any of that in your story. What didn't ring true for me is someone that sews clothes, and must have had some bit of experience and imagination would be so unkept. The fine fabics of the day would need to be careful to have none of the garments touch anything to become soiled. You didn't tell if this laundry list of garments she made each month was only for the gentleman's use. How could one man wear that many new clothes each month only to have new clothes the next month. I thought he might have had a shop, or she didn't care why he ordered the clothes. In fact, were they all in the same size or different? You tell the story as if you knew all her thoughts, dreams and desires, but you tell the reader none of them. You only tell the reaction of nature to her. You start the last paragraph by telling the reader the courier came early. She wouldn't know this until he got there. Unless she is watching his arrival the animals scurrying away would be a clue of his arrival. She would have no idea his thoughts or whether he was aware of the anilmals. The other thing is. If he is the same one to come each month and he saw her filthy hovel, he wouldn't be surprised to see the animals at all. He might even expect them so would have no reaction other than a shudder as he left. You said the courior "drove" away. In a carriage or vehicle? This might be another place to set the setting and time. I really wonder what the purpose of this story was. I'd love to see this in a longer work or showing some goal to be achieved at the end of the story. You've been Reviewed by a:

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#3945237

Review of MY SPIRITUAL ODYSSEY  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   Jan 18, 2014 at 10:29pm

Length:   3,685 Characters | 3,282 w/o WritingML

Dear Silentjoy Goal of Main Character: As I read this the story flowed well from beginning to end. I am interested to see what process people go through to get to where they are. You didn't disappoint me. From a child to an adult you have had a wild ride. I felt elated at your persuit of the Bible truths, even though you were not led to any truth and then followed down a different path. The path you wrote about became so sad by the time I got to the end I wanted to weep for the poor innocent child that searched for the truth and never found it. Maybe its simplicity was bypassed by ritual. Motivation: I didn't understand them, though I found them comforting, especially at times of great anxiety - like the evenings I performed in Christmas concerts.Here is one of the places that the child with the honest heart for the truth began to see what is found in the Bible was real. I supplemented my church-going by continuing to read the New Testament, which was a new copy I received at school in grade six. The small volume contained an index of "What to Read When You Feel ... ." I often read Psalms for I felt very grateful most of the time. Every night I prayed the "Our Father" prayer in Ukrainian, having no idea what I said. "And please give me a white pony," I always added in English. Here again I felt there might be hope and it motivated me to continue. Setting: Canada in the 1950 to the present. Well described. Soon I began to attend the Mosque in Edmonton. It was a red brick structure with an oriental dome above the door. Inside, we removed our shoes and sat upon the carpet, the women separated from the men (by draperies), similar to the practice in the church of my youth. Here you gave us some insight into a religion most of us have no knowledge. Conflict: your marriage and the abuse was sad to read. My heart went out to you. Resolution: Through all of your search you didn't find the real truth, but settled on a gathering of rituals from a number of religions that you follow that make you feel good about all the past dead ends you found. My Overall Impression: I enjoyed the work even to the end. It is well written and thoroughly gives the reader an in depth look into the search for religion that many people go through. The miscommunications and misdirections are sad to hear. You have found something at the end that seems to pacify you and mask any real need to find the truth. What Needs Work: The only thing that gave me pause came in the paragraph that starts I felt disappointed that we didn't attend the mosque or pray. It dropped me into your marriage without any build up or introduction. I would have liked to know something of the choosing process. You weren't raised Muslem so it seems the male may have had the short straw in the draw. He didn't treat you with the respect that even the Jewish men do. They may not show it but their wives rule the home. Watch Fiddler on the Roof. Even then there was a hierarchy. Today these men treat their wives with repsect. Not all, but then there are jerks in every walk of life, parading around in the clothes of self-righteousness. You've been Reviewed by a:

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#3944417

Review of Dad  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Jan 16, 2014 at 8:16pm

Length:   2,434 Characters | 2,193 w/o WritingML

Dear Dawn , What I liked about the story: Since my father just passed, I was curious to see what you had written about your father. I can tell by the things you wrote you and your father had a very special relationship. Your dependency seemed normal to the way most children are with their parents. What is the goal of the main Character? You want those reading to know what you felt about your father. I however, read a very unemotional accounting of what lead up to the time in question and the aftermath. What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? I'm not sure why you wrote this in this manner. I'm glad that the passing of your father brought you and your siblings closer. I will say this process needs constant work. People slip away as time passes, don't let it happen in your family. What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Since you gave little detail I surmise your father had a stroke or an anyrism. There is a grief period that most have to go through as death is so final. Resolution: You wrote of an incident where you loaned your car to your sister for a time. That was very magnanimous of you. What do I think needs work: I don't understand the format that added AA at the end of almost every sentence. You might take a look at that. This is your own personal account of you and your father's relationship, but it reads cold and unemotional. These are facts without any embellishments. How did you feel as you raced to the hospital? were you on your cell phone getting regular updates? How did your siblings react when you got there? Were you the strong one for them? Did you step into your father's shoes so to speak and make the arrangements when he passed? Having just gone through some of this, my father hasn't been buried yet,(long story) but I know there is some decisions that are hard to make by some people. We are planning the funeral and looking at old pictures. Did you do this? I hope you add more detail to this piece with what you really went through and advise to others going through the same thing.

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#3943490

Review of The Doctor's Appointment  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   Jan 14, 2014 at 1:58pm

Length:   3,732 Characters | 0 w/o WritingML

Dear Jillian Frost , What I liked about the story: I was curious about the new condition. When I read the word Dementia I read on as I have had a story published about this same condition. I loved the way you told how the father acted out. His comments and results. I had a particular memory in mind and read on to see if it would end in a similar fashion. It did not, but the story was just as interesting. What is the goal of the main Character? There are two goals here. The doctor is trying to explain the father's condition and the daughter seems unconcerned that she had been discomfited at her own expense. What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? The father's health is at stake.“Mrs. Kelly, your father has developed a new…symptom. No, more like a new condition in addition to his dementia.” That seems to be a concern for both parties. What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?The father's agitated state and odd remarks ‘There’s more fish in the sea.’ at in appropriate times. Resolution: None Do the characters develop in this story? I think the Doctor is concerned and the daughter's lack of concern offset each other. You contacted me with a concern about my dad and asked me to come for a meeting. I live half way across the country. I took time off from work, paid for a plane ticket and came here. Only to hear about an old man spouting riddles and having childish outbursts. Surely this cannot be why you asked me here!” What do I think needs work: My over all thought by the time I read the end was "So What?" Not to be mean but the beginning had me caring about the old man. Smiling at his outburst then I was dropped off a cliff. There was no correlation between anything the father said that made sense.(no pun intended) What the Doctor ended up saying had no bearing on the treatment he prescribed. I didn't get the point. You gave only one example of his outburst. It was cute but was that all he said? Why was it so disruptive? I've found that with Dementia, oft times a word or phrase means something other than the obvious. A patient I had kept asking me for a peach. I didn't know what he was saying it seemed so out of place. I happened to pick up a towel (peach colored) and he pointed at it. He wanted the towel. Peach was all he could remember. The ending needs some explanation. You didn't give any examples of outbursts that would cause someone to be uncomfortable. What he said was mild to some of the sexual and foul language that sometimes is heard. What did ‘A stitch, in time, saves nine.’have to do with the treatment? Was the Doctor going to give him a lobotomy? I re-read the story twice more to see if I missed something and I couldn't find the point. I think you must have had to use the above quote as a prompt. My suggestion would be to rethink the purpose or goal of this story. What point are you trying to make? The middle is fine but the story doesn't lead to a gradual build up and conclusion. If you have to use A stitch in time.. I'd use it further up as another example of his dementia and maybe he tried to poke one of the staff with his cane. His point was the belt on his robe was loose. It was his way of saying "If you don't tie this belt you aren't going to like what you see underneath."

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#3941748

Review of Shadow Walker  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Jan 10, 2014 at 11:09am

Length:   5,973 Characters | 5,626 w/o WritingML

Dear Michael Candlish , What I liked about the story: I chose your port in order to support new writers. As I was once in your place I know the feeling of being alone in a community where you have no guide. I felt this way about your story. This Shadow Walker, Will, left this as a legacy. His account of the fall of the citadel. What is the goal of the main Character? You portray the goal as an action. One action to protect, I assume, the Citadel. You tell the reader about the actions and the fall. One moment in time. I feel as if you had a larger story and just cut and pasted a portion of it here. What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Here to I assume you are defending something. The Citadel for sure, but I wonder who these warriors were, why were they fighting, and why did they lose? What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?This is all about the fight. You give a very good point when you wrote: How foolish we were. We ignored Master Flay's warnings of the approaching doom. We laughed at the old seer's face and told him we could keep the Night at bay. How wrong we were. I wonder if it gives his spirit any pleasure knowing that he was right. This gave me some insight to the past. It told me they were warned, but not what about. Was this a world being taken over? Am I getting the picture this might be like our Indian nation, an enemy came and took everything and left them nothing. They even fought to the death knowing they would die against the bullets they had never seen. They might have felt this same way. Resolution: Every one died.I guess there wasn't a winner either. Character: The reader learns the names of the last warriors. That is all I got. What are Shadow Walkers? My assumption when I read this was they could turn into shadows, be invisible or nearly so. This couldn't be as they died and they seemed to have died human deaths. You describe their rank and positions but now WHO they are and if they are something other than they are warriors fighting a losing battle. Setting:Battlements, spears/arrows. That is all I know about what this place looks like. I don't know if this is a scene from earth's past, some planet's past or an alternative world. What do I think needs work: I would love to see you rework this into a longer piece. This seems to be the summary of what happened. How can will be writing this if he is dead? How could he write this while fighting? How could he write I have abandoned all of my armor except my Shadow Cloak and Sword. To whoever finds this document, know that the Shadow Warriors will leave this plane with my death. I will wander to the furthest reaches of the Dark North. I will find the cause of this unification of evil and I will put a stop to it. Or I will die trying. then did he die? where did he put this document that he had time to write during battle? I suggest you set the setting. I can't suggest too much because you didn't tell me anything concrete. You might start with someone from the future at an archeological dig and finding this document. You need to describe it and how it was preserved. The Historian or whomever you chose now lays this along with the artifacts and what they suppose happened in this region they've discovered on this new planet. Here is your back story. Will escaped to someplace else where he hid in another Keep or Citadel. You have to have Will's Character profile. Who is he, what made him what he was, how was he trained and what were his strengths and weaknesses. how was his team chosen? Who were the Shadow Walkers? Why were they called this? If you were going to leave a document what would you want people to know? Certainly about life from your perspective. You'd want someone to know what led to this battle, who was fighting it and why. If the whole region was decimated by whatever was the enemy what did the winner gain? Where there are fights, it has to be because someone has something someone else wants. There was a song way back in the 60's called One Tin Soldier This song tells a story. Yet it tells the whole story in just a few stanza's. When the attack came, the Fallen unleashed Night magic the likes of which I have never seen before. They blew our walls apart. I myself was thrown from the battlement. What does this tell the reader? nothing. What did they blow the walls apart with? If he had never seen this kind of magic, what kind had he seen? I watch "magic" tricks or Illusionists. I marvel at that they can do. I am amazed, but if I don't tell you what that magic is that amazes me I could be talking about an old man making coins appear from behind an ear or making a penny float. Something little kids can do. My perception as a reader is lost because I have no baseline to measure the magic you are talking about. Are we talking Gandolf magic or Dumbledore's magic or something else. You will need to set in the reader's mind what you want them to see. I hope this encourages you and doesn't make you give up. We all had to start somewhere. I had lots of stories that got "fixit" reviews. I chose to do what I was told and resend for a second review to see if I did it better. Each time I posted and got reviewed and fixed, I got better. I took classes here on WDC. I've now had 4 short stories published, many of my stories were given awardicons and I've won a few contests. But like you I had to start somewhere and learn how to write a story, not just facts. I hope this helps.

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#3937312

Review of Do not look past the curtain  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Dec 30, 2013 at 1:48pm

Length:   3,062 Characters | 2,805 w/o WritingML

Dear Writer, What I liked about the story: It was news worthy. It made me go to google and look up the actual account. While the name seemed familiar I'd forgotten the story. Like Lizzy Borden the reasoning behind the killings is lost. I liked you used actual facts to fuel your story. What is the goal of the main Character? This confused me. I have no idea what this man had in common with R. Gene. The idea their paths crossed was there, but what R. Gene had to do with the mysterious sightings was not connected. What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? He wanted to build a house with his own hands. He worked at a grocery store to make ends meet. That's all I know about the narrator. He has no name nor does any of his family. What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?The work to build a house on granite is hard. There are sightings of supernatural events that the MC ignores until an incident forces him to connect some of the stories he's heard. Resolution: R. Gene kills his family and a bunch of people in Russelville, AR. Do the characters develop in this story? No. We only know the name R. Gene Simmons. Everyone else is passed over. What do I think needs work: First it is the style. You are telling the reader what happens much like a news article but far less informative. You begin with R. Gene then start telling about you building a house and how you have to work hours and (yawn) how long it takes you to do so. You introduce the fact you met R. Gene and that he lived at the end of your street. What you don't do is connect R. Gene's story to the supernatural sightings. What did any of that have to do with ghosts hanging around your house or the area? What did you do about them? What connection did they have to R. Gene? If this had happened after the killings and people recognized the ghosts as the Simmons family, then there would be a connection. At the end of the story it was just a jumble of facts. My mind went immediately to creating a story with the facts you laid out here. If you look at this again, I'm sure you can write a story (leaving R. Gene out) about your house and the hauntings that would make an amazing story. Then write a fictional story about your connection to R. Gene. make it up. Make it scary. Make it sympathetic so by the end when he goes off on his rampage, you are not chosen. Maybe you saw it coming but didn't dare say anything as you figured he'd come after you and your family. Did the rest of the town know he was a molester? Had he done anything to some of the friends that visited the home? Quite a story you could tell. Just don't add any supernatural stuff to it.

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#3937299

Review of The Flame Of Mortality  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (3.5)

Given:   Dec 30, 2013 at 1:06pm

Length:   2,873 Characters | 0 w/o WritingML

Dear Writer, What I liked about the story: It was short and to the point. What is the goal of the main Character? To find out why he was having these dreams and what they meant What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? He has no choice. They come to him in his sleep. He can't control them. What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?He doesn't wake until he reaches a turning point in the dream. He wakes with no idea why or how to stop the dreams. Resolution: Something has taken his heart. What do I think needs work: You start telling the story in the past tense. You switch to present tense in the next part and back to past. This was the third night in a row that he’d performed this strange ritual, without even knowing he was doing it. And it wouldn’t be the last. Here you are TELLING the reader something the character doesn't know yet. You are narrating this story. Delete this line. The reader will find this out as the story continues. YOU don't need to tell the reader anything. I didn't get WHY did the man want his heart? Why did the man choose Andy? Why didn't Andy have a choice? Why was Andy still alive after his heart was removed? When you answer these questions it give the reader more of a connection to your story. Right now you have pushed the reader away and are telling it. What you want, is the reader to be IN the story so they feel the fear Andy is feeling. How do you do that? by writing in the present. Hard but Andy needs to tell the story as its happening. "I woke with sweat running down my arms and chest. "What is this candle doing on the floor? Why am I sitting cross-legged with no clothes on?" Andy stands and scrapes the melted wax into the trash bin and sets the dish back on the shelf. Memory creeps back into the present. He frowns, "I've had this happen before. Last night." He looks at the dish and then the trash bin. There are three pieces of melted wax lying in the bin." His heart begins to beat faster and his breath comes hard as if he had been running. Do you see the difference? You have brought the reader into the story. They are standing next to Andy seeing everything he is as it is happening. ENDING- I have no idea why any of this happened. You left the reader with too many questions. There is no punch line so to speak. "So WHAT?" is what the reader is asking. You need to make sure the reader never asks that question. I think you have the beginning of a good story, it just isn't finished yet. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#3928536

Review of unemployment  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (2.5)

Given:   Dec 3, 2013 at 12:50pm

Length:   1,719 Characters | 1,714 w/o WritingML

I wondered at the title. I have been unemployed and I hoped this was about someone trying to cope, or some insightful thoughts. This was neither. I'm not sure what the point of the story was. This was not defined and I ended with no further confirmation. This piece read like someone texting the events of the day to a friend. This didn't come across as a story. The sentences were not complete, the conversation wasn't defined. Here is a suggestion of how you might start this. Let's assume the person telling this story is Joe. This is the first day Dave won't have to get up and go to work. I wondered, as I lay on my bed in the early morning light, what he would do for a whole day. The face of my friend, came to mind, he'd mentioned fishing but then I remembered he had some Christmas shopping to do, as he received his last wages. He worked all spring and summer for a local farmer and received good pay. He'd probably call me and say, "Hey, Joe, I'm heading out for the day. Do you want to meet me for lunch or something?" Now we know who the characters are in the story. Here is where you might put your relationship into perspective. Why are you thinking about him? Why are you wondering if he would be faithful? Because he didn't call you to go out drinking with him? Who is unemployed? You or him? Doesn't the person telling the story work? There is a lot of clarification needed here. I think your character's concerns are valid and you need to explore them by showing the reader what he is really feeling and what his real relationship is with Dave. This sounds like a one sided friendship should there be any sympathy for someone who sits around waiting all day for a call from some guy?

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#3926661

Review of Wind with Snow- a ~2000 word Prologue  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Nov 26, 2013 at 4:56pm

Length:   2,843 Characters | 2,496 w/o WritingML

Dear Writer Goal of Main Character: Lorynd, the captain, left his ship to search an island. There is nothing at the beginning to tell the reader why they are at the island or if it was located by accident and they decided to investigate it. Later after he meets another group of soldiers and he wins the battle, he discovers they are looking for the Dracoliths. Unfortunately the reader has no idea who this is or why they are searching for them. They could be rocks, gems, magical people, but the reader has no idea. When he confronted by a dragon woman (is there some diabolical undercurrent there?) He runs like the chicken that he is. Motivation:None is given and there is my biggest problem, I don't care about what is going on because you didn't give me a reason to. Setting:You set the stage for the 1700's or so when pirates ran high seas. I am guessing they may be in the Caribbean or along the South Coast as was the setting for most pirate stories. They used swords and no pistols so this must have been very early 1700's Conflict: There are two that I see. First he meets with the soldiers and then the dragon lady. Not bad for a beginning. Resolution:N/A My Overall Impression: It was a slow start, but you have good progress. You provided a little of anticipation to keep the reader reading to see if it got better or worse. You kept the reader by inserting more conflict even if there was no motive other than self- preservation. I think you have a good start on a story. You have promise and I think you have what it takes to draw the reader in and keep their attention. It will get better with practice. Its something I see in you that might come easier than with others. What Needs Work:This isn't a prologue because there isn't enough here to be a back story. This is either the beginning or you save this to pick aand piece into the main story. Above are 3 things you need to establish GOAL where is the Main Character moving towards? Motivation: What keeps him moving that way? riches, respect he lost when he ran? to prove himself? and Conflict: What is preventing him from reaching that goal? These are the first and foremost things you need to establish. There are other small things like the over use of "was" and some of your descriptions and lack of them that come with practice, reviews and revising. You've been Reviewed by a:

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#3923264

Review of The Island (Incomplete Novel)  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  

Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (3.0)

Given:   Nov 14, 2013 at 6:25pm

Length:   2,502 Characters | 2,150 w/o WritingML

** Image ID #1950827 Unavailable ** Dear Writer Goal of Main Character: I'm not sure what the goal is. So far its just to maintain on the beach, find food and water. Not much interest there. We don't know who he is or if he has a name or if he can remember it. Motivation: Here again its simple to stay alive and I suspect to be eventuall found. That is still in question. Setting: A beach. Somewhere in a city where someone was killed for some reason. Conflict: We have man against nature. Then man against man or the system. Resolution: N/A My Overall Impression: You have a good set up in the last two "chapters." This part intrigued me to want to read more. However I know as a writer you need the past to set up the present. You didn't go back far enough. What Needs Work:When you post there is a section not far from the bottom that says preserve space or use a space between paragraphs. Put a check mark in the latter choice. You can even make the font a little larger so it doesn't look so crammed. Look at the box at the top of where you pasted the story or wrote it. It has 3 S in it, choose a size you think is comfortable to read. I use 4 or 4.5. You have a good handle on writing and drawing the reader into the story so I don't think you need to change anything there. I suggest you start with the set up of Chpt 5. Who is James (if he is infact the Main Character) fill out the above questions (Goal Motivation and Conflict). Then start with the action that motivates the MC to reach his goal. Is he going to be running from Marcus and James the whole book? How does he get to the beach? Why is he there? if that isn't the main part of the story you might want to think this over a little bit. Is he going to find a group of people on this island that have been put there by a government entity to keep them from stirring up trouble onthe mainland? Was he unknowingly sent here to get information? GMC need to be established in the first chapter. I'd love to see what you do with this and WELCOME to WDc! You've been Reviewed by a:

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#3915082

Review of Crapshoot  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Oct 20, 2013 at 7:09pm

Length:   6,206 Characters | 5,962 w/o WritingML

Dear Writer, What I liked about the story: I am intrigued. Really intrigued!!! by the time I got to the end I was sad there was no more. I love a good plot. I love great characters that make up that plot. I love the plot to drag me kicking down the road until I can't stop reading because I want to know what's going to happen. You fufilled all of that. I like detective stories, Like not love, because reading them can be tedious. Yours was not at all tedious. What is the goal of the main Character? I suspect to solve a crime. What I really see in this story is what will be his change? What will happen in this story to change his mind about something, or drive him closer to making some decision about his own life. You need to establish his WANT early in the story. What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? He is a cop. I can tell by the clues you drop that he has made some bad choices at some previous time and got a second chance. No detail at the point but the clues are there. What will he do with this second chance? What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Something in his past is haunting him. It must have been a devistating incident and probably involved his son maybe his wife. Since he seems to live (or at least sleep) alone I say he isn't married or in a relationship. Resolution: none this is the beginning of a book. Do the characters develop in this story? This is very well done. You give the reader little bits of background and drop in hints of his weaknesses. You give him an antogonist, a number of them, and how he handles them. I'd like to see more detail about him. What do I think needs work: You are a writer after my own heart! All plot and action, just get to the story. The begining paragraghs are hard to read. They are choppy. Smooth them out abit and add more to them. What I mean is don't try to to put so much in one sentence. ( I recongnise my issues in others). Rico is peering over an azalea bush talking to Eddie on the floor in the bathroom. Not too realistic. I would rather see Rick sticking his head out the door keeping an eye on the car while talking to Eddie, not on the floor. This man has come to collect his cousin at the request of his Aunt. I would see him pacing the small space. But the bigger question, how did he find him here, in a park, in the bathroom? You don't need to tell us so much about Eddie's likes and dislikes at the moment. When Eddie wants him to leave now, Rick needs to get in his face with something like, "You were the one who followed me here. I was hangin' with my posse and you show up all fat A- and bully me to come with you with some stupid story about Grandma dyin'. Now that was a lie-" "I got you out of the car and in here." Eddie Rico is mad but then he says the guys must hae decided to leave the car they talked about taking. (In reality one peeked inthe car and they all ran. ) Now Rico is gald they left because it means the car is all his. I like all the part where they talke about why and why not Rico should take the car. I think the first line should be different and those first paragraphs rewritten. The next chapter starts okay but I had no idea who this person was in relation to the above incident. Because of this I would sugest you cut the first chapter because it doesn't give us any real informationwe can't get later. keep it as reference and start with Cpt 2 as 1 DO NOT end chapter 2 without letting the reader know it was a dream. I like the idea that it was a hook. However the chapter isn't long enough to be a chapter so just take out the CHAPTER 3 and move the next lines up and make this part of chapter 1 This is ties the dream into his conversation with the shrink. It completes the process of Goal motivation and conflict of the chapter. I'm thinking he looke like the main character in the TV series Jake and the fat man with William Conrad. I don't see a Cop in jeans and a sweatshirt on duty. If hes a detective he wears slacks, button shirt that he has problems keeping buttoned so wears a white T shirt underneath. H might have a habbit of pulling on his belt to keep his pants up and he's resisting the idea of suspenders. Knows he should have them but wears a plain black jacket to cover and butt crack he might have when he bends over. You say he can barely see his toes. Those men don't wear their pants over their belly. I know I have one of this kind of kid at home. These are details that make the story real. We see the character and when others make fun of him, he hitches his pants liek he would adjust armor against the verbal blows. What did I miss? What year is this? He's in a 65' mustang but with old music. Is this 1969? I guess not since he has a cell phone. But I still don't know what year this all take place in. 2010? The the '65 would be VINTAGE '65, and was it in good condition? I had a '65 and it takes a lot to keep it up a place like Beaumont, TX Here again hook 4 & 5 together with a spacer. They don't need to be a new chapter but you need to transition between the two a little better. I like the first line in Chpt 5 but fill that paragraph and the next. Your discription here is sparse. give more detail about the setting. Where is this park? what's near it? Did he have to drive into the park to get to the spot? Was the park along a street in what kind of suburb? Did cars just pull into a parking spot and walk into the park? What was there? Some of this could be added to the begining where Rico and Eddie talk about the playground or what they can see from the door. How far was this complex from the park? This kind of confused me as I couldn't "see the area in my mind. What kid of park was it? I loved the way you ended this......I scrolled down expecting more and None! you have me hooked.

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#3911466

Review of Morven Mansion  

Review by Quick-Quill

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Oct 11, 2013 at 5:08pm

Length:   4,083 Characters | 3,632 w/o WritingML

Hello ! I just finished reading your posting and Happy Anniversary! Overall Review: The title intrigued me to open the port. I expected to see a novel or at least a number of chapters. As this wasn't the case I dived right into the story. What is the goal or purpose? Ms McKendrick must sell the mansion. She concluded the sale with swiftness and roared off reporting her success to her boss. Is there a motivation? Ms McKendrick doesn't show one here. It is implied the mansion is a hard sell and the quick sell made her very happy. I would have liked to hear she received a bonus for the sale. Maybe the "boss" has to fork over the promised vacation he held over her head. I'll take you with me if you sell the Morven Mansion. Asured she couldn't possibly do so. I can almost hear him choke when she tells him its time to pay up. What are the conflicts? None. There is a foreshadowing of events that might happen and what happened in the past. We assume as many of us have read these Gothic styled stories to know the family tragically died in the house. I would rather had you spend the word count on the interaction between the agent and the couple. What drew them to buy the mansion? Why were they attracted to it? Could you foreshadow that there might be a connection to the mansion or the past family? Now that would hook the reader. What I Liked: I love a good ghost story.That being said lets look at what makes up a good Gothic Ghost story. Foreshadow, hint of horrible things in the past, recent and distant. What Needs Work: First be aware that the use of -LY words is limited to one time and only when it is(?) unavoidable. I could have put utterly, or completely in front, but would that have changed the content? You decide when it is completely necessary, use them with wisdom. You have too many in the description and it detracts from what you wrote. The use of "was" its a word that fills in like frosting on a cake, too much and the cake looks messy and your eyes don't know where to look. Use this word only when you can't absolutely find another way to tell it. Read your piece again and look at where you began using -ed in the PAST point of view. Pick the point of view you want to use and keep to it. Past is -ed or use the present -ing. My suggestion to make this more scary or intense is start with 'I'm sure that this is the perfect place for you Mr and Mrs Wilson. Granted it needs a little work, but I bet she'll be a real beauty when its all spruced up." Right away the reader wonders what's wrong. Then you might have Ms McK point out the window are boarded but they can be replaced quickly by the glasier in town who has all the measurements. This implies the window have been broken an number of times before. The couple might say When we move in there won't be any vandalism. The agent smiles and nods her head biting her lip from spouting the windows were broke from the inside. She held her tongue. The woman can comment that she loves the lonely character of the house and how the vines and mature trees give that Gothic feel to the house. She could hug her husband's arm and tell him how she's always loved Gothic romance stories. He might smile and say, whatever makes you happy Pumpkin." Do you see that by putting all your details in the story the reader isn't bored with them at the begining. Always start with some kind of action, and try to stay away from the weather. HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

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#3902637

Review of Truth of God  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  

Rated: ASR ★★★★★ | (5.0)

Given:   Sep 19, 2013 at 5:07pm

Length:   1,100 Characters | 1,100 w/o WritingML

This isn't a realy review. I didn't find anything wrong with this piece. It reminds me of some of the questions I asked and I got pretty much the same answer. I found that once I took the whole Biblical concept I was taught, and ran it through the righteous filter and with some prayer, I was able to put Doctine in one pile. This never changes. Then tradition came next because that is sometimes subject to perception. Last were the few things that Only God, when I get to heaven, can explain. I loved this insight into the mind of adults that are older, much older. They accepted without question what they were told or probably because they got the switch if they asked a question. I know for a fact my grands had no idea WHY they belived all they did. They did know the truth; once they were sinners and after they repented they were saved and their life was dramatically changed. Not so much change when you are brought up in a Christian home. I understand your feelings as a child and I too agree. Most time its best to go to the source for the deep questions, but be prepared for the answers.

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#3898832

Review of Worship  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   Sep 9, 2013 at 6:56pm

Length:   3,083 Characters | 2,806 w/o WritingML

** Image ID #1950827 Unavailable ** Dear Writer, What I liked about the story: The title caught my eye. I wondered what the impression of worship would mean. I'd like to add a anticdote that sums this up. A man in a church quit coming to service. He felt as if he got as much at home as he did attending his church and said so to others. The Pastor called asking for a meeting to which he agreed, armed with his rebuttal of anything the Pastor put forth. The pastor came in and sat next to the fire. After a moment he took a tongs and lifted a coal from the fire putting it on the hearth. It turned from red to black in a minute. When it was completely black, the Pastor picked it up and set it again in the fire where it immediatly began to glow red and hot. The man turned to the Pastor and said, "Sir you don't say a lot but you said a lot. I will be in church on Sunday." This is what I felt with your story. You were cool yet longed for the heat of the spirit to warm you, You set yourself into the place where the flame was the hotest and had the open heart to receive its benefits. You were rewarded with the spirit of friendship, the flame of kindred spirit and the fire of God's spirit to bring forth and ignite the flame in you. What is the goal of the main Character? To re-establish contact with God as well as others that would lend in the praise of God. What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? After being burned out as a pastor the writer wanted to find friends to enhance the writer's own experience and connecting spiritually with God and man. What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?Fear and Doubt crept in. Thoughts of being inadiquate, not knowing anyone, feeling out of place, inferior to others around him that have friends attending the conference Resolution: He finds his pastor and ex-wife at his table (akward, but nothing was indicated that there was any animostiy) and is able to meet new friends. He found the conference renewed his spirit and well being. He sees his need and with an open heart to worship find the response more than what was expected What do I think needs work: I woke up to the smell of morning ready for another adventure. The smell of coffee and donuts greeted me. I looked around and was aware I was among family even if I did not know who everyone was it was going to be a great adventure. see the edit. his was experienced in the application of the bible and the experience of God's presence in the gathering of persons who celebrated Jesus Christ as the embodied Word. I'm sure you knew what you were trying to say but it was a little lost on me. I'd leave it out and go on to the next sentence which was better.

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#3898801

Review of Answer to a Prayer  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (5.0)

Given:   Sep 9, 2013 at 5:13pm

Length:   2,743 Characters | 2,455 w/o WritingML

** Image ID #1950827 Unavailable ** Dear Writer, What I liked about the story: I liked the title. I love a testimony about answers to prayers. We have testimonies at our church almost every meeting (except Sunday AM) I loved the heartfelt emotion andI felt and understood your fear. What is the goal of the main Character? To pray that her baby would be alive. Living for a week in the hospital with fear she would have to bury another baby, crying because she felt alone in her depression. How sad. What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? After having one still born baby then the second one rushed to intensive care the fear of the loss was greater than the loss itself. What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?Your depression almost overcame the situation. You were not letting go and letting God work, you let fear and doubt trouble your until you were almost sick with it. I hope that was a lesson on trusting God to hold up his end of the bargan. Even if he took her, for whatever reason, he still would be with you and uphold you if you let him. Do you trust him to know what's best in your life? It seemed that until you had her in your arms you didn't trust God to know what was best. Its a hard lesson to learn and the bad thing is we will have to endure it again until we learn to just step out into nothing and trust Him to catch us, even if we have to fall a few hundred feet first. Resolution: Her baby was brought back healty and I'm sure ready to be with mommy. Do the characters develop in this story? It was too short for an indepth study but we know this woman endured great loss. One that only another mother that lost a child could know. That tearing of your soul. The pain is understood when she had do go through the possibility that her second child might not live. However we understand she had the sense to pray to God for intercession. It was the fear and doubt that held her from the real blessing that trusting God brings. She was elated and happy that her baby girl was alive and well. How much better if she didn't give into the fear that led to depression and trusted God, Giving him the glory no matter what happened. What might her blessing be if that happened. What do I think needs work: Nothing. it was a wonderful account and it came out right and all were blessed who read it.

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#3897316

Review of They All Came Home!  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   Sep 6, 2013 at 11:35am

Length:   3,157 Characters | 0 w/o WritingML

Dear Writer, What I liked about the story: I Love a good children's story and I think you had a great idea. I love it when someone takes the prompt and looks outside the box! This was a great plot and you did a good job getting the point across. The end was a little sad but I loved the story anyway. The best part was the explanation at the end. Now it all makes sense. What is the goal of the main Character? To bring Caroline the Old woman in the shoe to her birthday party. What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? The love of the Little Old woman with all her children proabably mothered all the inhabitants of Mother Gooseland What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Mother Goose invitesLittle old Woman to tea but Little old Woman is getting older and doesn't want to make a fuss over her birthday. She wants to pass the day quietly. Resolution: All the inhabitants of Mother Gooseland come home. It makes Mother Goose so happy she has a heart attack and dies. What do I think needs work: I realize the word count limit. But you need to do a couple of things that might help the beginning. I knew who Mother Goose was but the first few paragraphs has me completely clueless. It should read like this: delete Stomp, stomp, “Children, if you’d please.” You are TELLING what she's doing. Start the story here with action. “Children, if you’d please.” Mother Goose's voice wasn't loud enough to cut the din. “Humpf! Priscilla please forgive me.” She grabbed the old goose, shoved her under her wing like a bagpipe and proceeded to briskly squeeze. “Uh- ooo- ga! Uh-ooo-ga!” Startled by Priscilla('s) wails, everyone sat down and turned their attention to Mother Goose standing at the dais. “Now, children you’ve come from near and far, at my beck and call. I do appreciate that. Your mother will be so surprised to see all her children return for her birthday tomorrow." The din from the group rose and she squawked louder, "Do you all know what to do?" "Yes,"the mass of children, spouses, grandchildren spoke in unison. It was the first time in ages that they' had all been home at the same time. It was going to be a grand family reunion was planned to celebrate their mother’s birthday (Space) The next day, Mother Goose dropped in to visit Caroline, in her shoe house. “Happy birthday, my dear.” These little clues tell the reader who the parties in the story are. I didn't know until I got to the shoe house who was getting the party. Its been a long time since I read a nursery rhyme. If you need to cut words cut out from near and far, at my beck and call. its not needed. We don't need to know how far they came. That they came is enough especially when we find out who is getting the birthday bash.

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#3893571

Review of Fisherman Mantillo  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Aug 30, 2013 at 1:09pm

Length:   5,321 Characters | 0 w/o WritingML

Dear Writer, What I liked about the story: It was short and I my dad (84 yrs old) could have stepped into the beginning of this story. I liked the character, his actions and his demeanor. You did a good job of telling this story. What is the goal of the main Character? to catch fish, to get through the day. There didn't seem to be much motivation here. I wondered at the end what was the point of telling the story? Who benefits from reading it? You might think about that. Does the reader feel better, happy, sad but satisfied? These are reasons people read a short story. What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Here again I didn't get any motivation. I was sorry that there wasn't a tie in to the little boy. Something that made the story have a meaning thus a reason for you to tell it. If its the truth sometime you have to add a bit in to make it more interesting. Maybe the kindness made the boy turn away from stealing or he was able to catch fish to feed his family. What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Other than the boy trying to steal the rigging that was the only conflict. I don't know if you had a word count limit, but there seems more to this story than what you told. I feel it in there. Resolution: The man dies. This was a bit surreal. What happened on that day that was different than any othe day? So he just felt like dying on that day? why? It left me feeling let down. Do the characters develop in this story? Not really, we start to get to know the guy then he dies. What do I think needs work: You mix tenses. you have -ing which is telling something as it is happening then you have -ed which is telling something that already happened. Choose one and stick to all the way through the story. Rewrite as many sentences with the word WAS in it. Leave them only when you can't do without them. I loved the part of his cooking. This made me think the story would be a good one. You gave detail, his feelings and made the process complete. He was right to think today would be a good day to fish. The tide was just high. The temperature was warm but there was enough breeze to keep him cool. There weren’t too many fishermen on the pier. This was, indeed, a picture-perfect day to fish. He grabbed a cooler from its resting place on the front porch and dragged it down the walkway. This was the best paragraph in the story. But you had too many sentences. It should read like this: He grabbed a cooler from its resting place on the front porch and dragged it down the walkway. The rollers rubbed and scraped the dock as he made his way to his favorite spot. The high tide and warm temperature were a good combination and the breeze cooled his skin where the thin shirt didn't cover his arms. He nodded to the three other fisherman as he passed them. This was, indeed, a picture-perfect day to fish. We got more detail, it flows easier and in the proper order. How did he know there weren't any fisherman on the dock? how did he get from his house to the dock? You need to give the reader a picture of the setting. Fishing every day like this reminded the old man of his youth. He and his scamp of a friend, Rico, went fishing all the time as kids. Rico would sneak into Father Marqueso’s office and borrow his rod when they were supposed to be in school. They would bring in eel longer than Rico was tall and kindle a fire back in the woods. Then they would nab some of Rico’s mother’s chili powder and have themselves an after school snack to end all others. This was the only place he thought about the past. It was a nice thought but had no connection to the present or why it came to his mind or why we needed to know about it. Was he catching eels that's what made him think of Rico? I'd love you to rewrite this with more setting, some purpose or goal add a little conflict, the boy trying to steal his rigging, maybe a little haggling over the fish. Oh why would he catch one fish and bring it to market? Most fishermen continue to fish until they have no bait, no bites, or its the end of the day. Then they take their catch in to sell. You might rethink that as it was odd he'd sell one fish and go back to fishing. I think the end needs some more detail. What was different about this day? Let me just throw this out for kicks and giggles. What if his purpose was to make a difference in the young boy's life. We all have a purpose, what if his life was for this one time? That he showed the boy how to fish maybe instead of selling all his fish he gave one to the boy? The boy appreciated the kindness and told him he would keep the others from stealing his stuff. The man looked the boy in the eye and told him to make good choices in life and this was a very good choice. To do good rather than evil. Then when the man dies we sigh and say It was a good day to fish." Just my suggestions.

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#3890266

Review of I remembered that I'd forget the story  

Review by Quick-Quill

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (3.0)

Given:   Aug 20, 2013 at 7:01pm

Length:   3,049 Characters | 2,777 w/o WritingML

Dear Writer, What I liked about the story: It was about moving. I have moved a lot over the years and I was interested to see where this was going. I could hear the pain in her voice. The insecurity of being moved to a new school again. The story led through a whole day from the morning when they were told they would be moving to coming home. The middle was short and gave the girl's emotions caused by change an uncertainty. My sister is sitting next to me picking at her nails and my older brother is sitting up front playing with the radio when my mom slaps his hand and says, "stop!" This shows the reader, tension and emotion. Its the only time. I felt sick knowing that we're moving again. We went through hell trying to get the house owners to rent this to us. I liked this, it showed there was more to the story and we should read it. What is the goal of the main Character? To get through the day and see her siblings Jennifer and Jerimiah. I may be wrong but the writer's name is Jessica so this my be drawn from her own experiences. What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? She wants to stay in the new high school. After the short time there the routine and getting to know people had become comfortable. What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? No reason was given for the move. This had happened at least twice during the school year and possibly more times before. They too a different route home than when they came to school, no reason given. Resolution: none the story suddenly ends with no further continuation. Do the characters develop in this story? No, we know her siblings names but not hers. We know due to the constant moves she is insecure, it doesn't seem as if they are a close family. What do I think needs work: First of all there is format. when you are in edit mode, scoll past the edit box and under it is a section that states preserve spacing or put a space between paragraphs. Put a mark in the box that adds a space. It makes it easier to read. Next you need to tell the reader more detail about the main character, name, age, looks. Show the reader HOW she feels about moving. Not that she's crying. All through the day, did she tell anyone? Who was her best friend? Who was she sad about leaving? Did anyone notice she had red eyes and spikey lashes from crying? Not one teacher noticed? Why was it important she see here siblings at lunch? Were they her comfort blanket? This was too short, no paragraphs and thoughts jumped from one to another with no context or transition. If this is the start to a long story give a little hint of what's to happen.