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1,485 Public Reviews Given
1,947 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a form I use for reviews. I look for a Goal, Motivation, Conflict and Resolution. It also allows me to tell what I liked and what I thinks needs improving. In my reviews I may make suggestions by adding my take on what the author is trying to say. Purely a suggestion to take or leave as needed.
I'm good at...
Giving in depth and fair reviews. I usually review stories that interest me. I don't always like them but they have promise and potential. I am fair but I AM reviewing. I do not review grammar or spelling. I do point out past and present tenses as well as the over use of WAS, WENT, THE and THAT in one story so watch those.
Favorite Genres
inspirational, mystery,action/Adventure, paranormal and anything that falls into those broad genre, some fantasy and comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Vampires,YA or adult. This genre is overrated and unless you write much better than Steph Meyer, I probably won't read it. Most Non-fiction unless the premise interest me. Always worth an ask.
Favorite Item Types
Everything in the STATIC file except the ones listed below: Look down
Least Favorite Item Types
Appendix, bulletin, campfire, in n out, editorial,letter/memo, lyrics, outline, preface, script/play, Poetry.
I will not review...
Poetry. I don't understand this style and don't feel confident to review it. Novel or novella, I reserve the right to refuse to review. Not to hurt feelings, but time wise it may be something I can't give good attention to, but always ask.
Public Reviews
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for entry "Broken Record" 
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This was a great poem. I don't know anything about poems other than; do I understand them or not? This one put a smile on my face. You caught the essence of the compulsion and the obsessive behavior. Some have the counting or the routines as noted here. All must touch something and fix it.
I don't understand it but I know I understood what you wrote and it fit the prompts. You did an excellent job on this portrail of someone afflicted with this disorder.
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Review of Sisterhood  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Purple is House Florent I found your story while perusing your port and was drawn to it because the title and brief description caught my attention.

Overall Impression
I was interested when you said easy way out of this small boring town, and since going off to college was a free ride, how could I say no? I was curious what college gives a free ride? The spiral down hill was emotional, but the fact she stayed at school, did her classes and worked to support herself was admirable. She showed grit even when she was depressed.

Setting/Plot/Characters

Setting:

There was very little scene setting. She's in a college dorm and that it. No description other than her bed and the bed across from hers.

Plot:
Telling the reader about her disappointment in her family and her isolation was bit boring. However, The story begins with her leaving home and that was a huge step for her. In the first paragraph we learn she is being distanced from her family but with no explanation. I would have like to know a little why. Were they not letter writers? I can understand that. What about phone calls? She couldn't call them? I lost connection here.
Later when I felt she is about to commit suicide the distinct self preservation instinct kicks in and when her roommate and friend reach out, she responds.

Characters:

You gave us a very good idea of this woman's character to a point. We know from the diminishing family connection she's lonely. It's tough to want to reach out, but the fear of rejection is overwhelming. True introverts have no desire to associate with others. They act within their own perimeters when it comes to being friendly. You can only go so far with them and they will walk away with no thought of the other person's feelings. I didn't get that from this character. I felt she wanted a connection but was fearful of reaching out. Something in her past made her fearful of the reaction of others to her presence. It could be she never learned how to make friends. I don't think she was an introvert. That was a label to get out of having to do anything.

Suggestions:
I found the tense to be a bit challenging. You start telling about the past in the first chapter then jump to the present from there on. Either change the first chapter by dropping some of that information into the other paragraphs. We don't need to know that she took off across country (why didn't she go to a local college?) and then show the fact her family lost contact. Why? You might start with the 2nd paragraph. The last sentence sums the first paragraph up pretty good if you aren't going to add anything about the family. Don't get the reader's curiosity up and never satisfy it. WHY? is a big question to leave the reader with.

In conclusion:
This was a heartfelt piece. I totally understood the thoughts and feelings having been in that situation. I'm not an introvert. I'm really an extrovert and I was hiding like this girl. I'm so glad you gave a positive at the end and the reader hope for her future. What you wrote in the last paragraph is very powerful to any reader.

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Review of Skyward Channel  
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I don't normally review poetry as it usually makes no sense to me. I got this one and what intrigues me even more is you took the extra step to make an acrostic. That was amazing how you did it and used the prompts and made it understandable to me moved me to give you five stars.
Great Job!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Dear Vanhel's Danse Macabre ,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: The high backed chair caught my interest. then as I began to read, my heart went out to the girl. I was teleported back to my childhood. I didn't have a chair. My mother just stood there and smiled trying to "help" me see the error of my ways. What began to scare me was the "undress."

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? This was a father's way of controlling his daughter and relieve his own issues. I can guess what was behind his motives. He seemed to limit his desire to just touching and demeaning. What he did was to bring the girl's self esteem down to his own. I've seen this in my mother and my father-in-law.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? I see that the mother,if there was one, didn't interfere which leads me to believe there was more abuse in the family by the way of verbal or emotional. If she allowed this girl to be abused, it means the pressure was taken off her or he turned to her later for release of that sexual build up. It happens. The wife sees it a attention paid to her even if in the back of her mind it was inspired by something else.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?There were no conflicts by the main character. The girl could not leave the chair. The connection she has to the chair is unhealthy. Until she can go down to the basement with a axe or mallet and beat every bit of that chair to tiny pieces she will never be able to heal.

*Pencil* Resolution: None. I don't think that the girl if she were to reach adulthood has ever gotten past the abuse. Its there and until forgiveness can be given it will haunt the child inside that adult.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? yes, Every word and deed show the father and the daughter in clear light. The fact the sister never questioned her and she never shared, says she was protection mode. She spared the sister even while she took the abuse.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: Nothing I can see.



PDG reviewers sig



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This isn't a review of a well written piece. How can you review a review? You've covered the movie with the strength of words any publication would envy.
Having seen the movie, I like your style and layout of information. Especially noteworthy is the rating you gave the reader as to age qualification. I am in total agreement.

ERGO- my new word I haven't seen used in a long time. You summed up a movie that I found very entertaining. It may not appeal to all ages but those of us who are "of an age," laughed themselves silly. The theater was abuzz at the end, still laughing at some of the antics.
Great Review
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Review of Jack B. Rob  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Rikki ,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: The title and hook, hooked me. I wanted to see what you had to say and what was the one rule? I gave you a 4 because I think you wrote a great plot. You actually used the words as they are shown. It followed a story format and had a good ending. I didn't stop reading because you kept me wondering what would happen next and what was the one rule?

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? The MC entered a town and looked for a room to spend the night. You description of the town led me to wonder what was going to happen to this poor man. I had no forewarning of anything bad.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? He is tired and the town looked pristine. Too good to be true.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Once our man reaches his room he's rented for a mere $10.00 he finds not all is what it looks to be.

*Pencil* Resolution: Ah now you'll have to read this for yourself. I'm not spilling any beans here.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? We hear the hotelier though we don't "see" him. We do see Jack B. Rob. We don't know the MC either.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: First off the format of the page is not correct and makes reading it daunting. There are no paragraphs its not all one thought. You'll need to break it up a little more by what is happening.

Next is the words in bold. They don't quite match the usage. Technically the word does mean what you want it to mean, but its not used for that exact meaning.
There is not an ensconce place to put your precious belongings While it does mean to settle or secure your belongings the sentence should read: There was no place to ensconce your precious belongings.

And about the restroom... were going to have to reprieve that; it's just too horrible. You don't use this word in this sentence. If you looked into the restroom and there was a knock on the door you were give a reprieve from entering the restroom. Is means to put off or postpone. Some words can be substituted. In this sentence it doesn't mean the same thing.

Even other criminals say his crimes are creditable. Credible is a good thing. You usage for this word means this his crimes are good ones. I don't think you mean this. You could put a "not" in front of credible and that changes the meaning to what you want.

He will give you a laceration straight through your heart.Laceration is a deep or surface tear or cut. What you are are describing is a puncture. You are talking about piercing to the heart. You might want to say he'll give you a laceration across the neck. That would kill a person so open the neck to bleed profusely.

Many people who came here were obdurate and chose to put this story on the not plausible category.This should be rearranged as it isn't grammatically correct. You might say "Many people who passed through here said the rumors about this place weren't plausible. When they were pressed to give some reason travelers never returned from Tawdry, they were obdurate in their story.

In writing this you jump around in your Point of View. You start with Third person You would say. Then part way down you switch to I stopped. Pick one or the other and stay with it.

Do you see how spacing the paragraphs make reading easier? When you edit there is a box near the bottom that says preserve spacing and one that says put a space between the paragraphs. Check the second box. Each time you do an enter it will put a space.

Let me know if you rewrite it and want me to read it again.




PDG reviewers sig

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Review of Murderous Swine  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Dear RobD ,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I love a good mystery. This one fit the bill and also was post in the Mystery Newsletter. I had my detective hat on (tin foil) and began the read with some suppositions as the story moved onward. As I read I was sure I knew the end. The twist at the end was crazy good! That's all I'll say for now.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? To get away from his actions in the recent past. You inferred a lot without telling the reader too much. You left it to the readers imagination as to why he was running way.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? He's running from his past. Here he arrives at a distant location and finds a butcher shop for sale. He is a butcher and the reader immediately wonders if it has something to do with the reason he's running? Read on.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? The bar man Bob, owns the butcher shop. You show so much when Aaron asks to buy the butcher shop. The men in the bar fill the reader in with a lot of clues.

*Pencil* Resolution: This I won't reveal but its a great ending!

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? We see Aaron and come to know he's running from his past. The old man is the "informationalist" in the story along with the clients in the bar. Bob is the anti-hero.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: Nothing I could see. I got so involved in the story nothing jumped out to stop the reading so you were good.



PDG reviewers sig

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Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Simply Me ,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I'd just read another story about a violin maker and I wanted to see your take on it. I loved the plot. The tree came to exact revenge for being cut down and Walter changed.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Walter wasn't a nice person. We don't discover that until the end. It gave the story a different aspect when all the events lead to the change. This wasn't his goal. It was a divergence in his one time goal.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Greed played a part in this story. Once the violin spoke its warning. Walter changed. He could have denounced the whole thing as a "bit of mustard seed or an underdone potato" or like his help said he might have been drunk. Instead you showed he made the right choice.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Greed has a way of rearing its head, but here you didn't give a conflict. Except for the warning which didn't have a consequence. You said he'd have to pay but how or what? Nothing was given so I wondered how he made the choice to change.

*Pencil* Resolution: All's well that end's well.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? A little bit. Not enough to show the old man. We don't know what he was like before so the change isn't as dramatic. Jim is another that seems compassionate but we don't know until the end what transpired or if he even knew what was going on.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: The first thing I noticed is an over use of dead words. The, then, and word that end in -ly. They don't "really" give description.
His teeth smashed together as if someone had given him a swift upper cut to the jaw causing him to bite a hole in his tongue. The term I think you wanted to use was gnashed not 'smashed'.
You have an over use of descriptions "like goo", "like a barnacle", " like a school of fish or flock of birds." It was too much. Don't waste word count on "like----" If you describe it the reader should see it as you show it. You did a good job without these little word count crunchers.
I would have rather you spent the WC showing the man he was. Did he steal the wood from a protected forest?

Jim and Walter's old body came back into the room. This sentence confused me. I'm assuming the "mind" of Walter floating was returned to his body, and Jim re-entered the room.
My other question is you didn't show a choice or change. The violin spoke the threat, since there was no consequence or "pay" demanded, what made him change?



PDG reviewers sig

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Review of Tears For Two  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Angus ,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: It starts out with an emotional feeling we all have when we lose some one close to us. Most of us have gone through the feelings as we recount the memories. Here you gave us insight to the feelings you had for the twins. How they were there with you and how you miss them. It was deeply emotional. Even at the end there was a burst of emotion I couldn't contain. Touche'

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? The writer tells us of his twin friends and the life they shared, but now have passed on.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Just to share with the readers what these two friends of his meant to him. Not only were they just brothers, they were twins; identical in every aspect, but completely opposite at the same time.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? What made it even sadder though, is that I was the only one at their funeral. No family members were in attendance, if they even had any family.

*Pencil* Resolution: So now I guess it’s time to say my final goodbyes.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? We are told a lot about the relationship between the three. We learn they had a very meaningful life and one shared exclusively by the writer.
We learn the feelings the writer had for this odd couple yet the words were deep and emotion filled. And since I was the only one there, I had to give the eulogy. I kept it short. I simply reflected on the places we went together, the things we’d seen together, and the things we’d done together.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: We were all like brothers, The Three Musketeers, so to speak, but in fact, they were real brothers, in the truest sense of the word. We and THEY don't match. Maybe change to this: "The three of us were together like the Three Musketeers. In one sense we were brothers in the truest sense of the word."
When I had to move to Texas from California a couple... This might read: When I moved from California to Texas there was no question, they came too." It gives even more credence to the relationship.



PDG reviewers sig

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Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Molly



*Quill* Goal of Main Character: To get some sleep. The young lad is afraid at night since his dad left for the war.

*Quill* Motivation: I'm not sure what causes nightmares but some kids have them when they are under stress, worry or watched something scary on TV. In this case the boy's brother and friend decide to help him out.

*Quill* Setting: late at night, two bedrooms next to each other

*Quill* Conflict: The boogieman is out running amuck in the house and scaring the little boy in the next room.

*Quill*Resolution: One of the boys decides they should be aggressive and scare the boogieman.

*Quill* My Overall Impression: It is well written. the dialogue shows the reader the tone of the boys and they don't seem to be scared of the boogieman, until one decides to go after it. I could clearly see the boys in my mind and hear their tone as they talked.

*Quill* What Needs Work:I'm glad you put the link to the whole story there. It read like a movie clip and I wanted more.

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Review of Prologue  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Dear Miss. Flagrant


*Quill* Goal of Main Character: This is not known. This short "prologue" just tells the reader when the woman and child meet.

*Quill* Motivation: There is no motivation told. My guess is that the woman might become a care giver to the child.

*Quill* Setting: There is no real setting except to say its in a wooded area. With a waterfall.

*Quill* Conflict: Somehow the boy is separated from his father.

*Quill*Resolution: N/A

*Quill* My Overall Impression: There is no interest here. There isn't a hook to keep the reader reading. This isn't a prologue its the set up.

*Quill* What Needs Work:This should not be a prologue. You need to keep this and work it in as the story unfolds.

Start with the woman and why she is in the woods. What is her goal in the story? That needs to be told right up front. Where and why is she traveling? Then what conflicts try to keep her and the boy from reaching that goal? Say she's going to take him to relatives in the next town. She was going there anyway to visit her own relatives. This is pretty boring but you can spice it up with conflicts and problems she and the boy have to overcome.
Your dialogue needs to start a new sentence. Look at books and see how they set up a paragraph.

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Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear LOT ,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I was curious about the kind of fantasy you would write. I'm not sure the target audience for this work but it was very easy to read and understand the basic goal. Timpor is an Ogre, even though we don't find that out until the end. He's harmless and just wants to find the magic his land below the sun is losing. Since this is the beginning I'm not sure where the story will go from here.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Timpor wants to find the Talisman, that he'd given up to protect a young human. Most of the first section you TOLD the reader what is going on. They voice is a bit stilted, or Jerky to read.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Timpor wants to keep Dank from reaching it first and holding it to cause evil.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Ther is only one. Timpor is a gialn and not NORMALly seen in the land he enters.

*Pencil* Resolution: N/A

*Pencil* What do I think needs work: Try to write as if you are telling me what Timpor is seening and feeling. From his Point of view.



         
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Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Amalie Cantor - We Got This!


*Quill* Goal of Main Character: At the end she helped Skie to see. What I didn't get is a clear goal for her. What is her purpose? Was she to kill them all because they were taking over the world.

*Quill* Motivation: I'm unclear about this. I get she wanted to save skie but you described all them as half full people. Why single her out? Why did she pick her?

*Quill* Setting: A fantasy world in a forest I think.

*Quill* Conflict: Binda was to rid the world of the dark influences of these people so she shot one of them.

*Quill*Resolution: Skie chose to go with Binda

*Quill* My Overall Impression: I think I get your point if I'm not mistaken Binda rescued Skie from a life of mental darkness. Seeing the dark/bad/evil side of everything. At first you tell us if she shoots her, Skie will die, but she shoots her and Skie doesn't die. I missed something here.

*Quill* What Needs Work:Just the questions I had above.

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Review of The Storms  
for entry "Calming the Storm" 
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear ~MM~



*Quill* Goal of Main Character: Jesus is the Storm Stopper. You have effectively shown that Jesus had everything under control. He didn't prevent it, he stopped it. if they had spoken to Jesus as soon as the waves started getting rough? Why, if they had been talking to him all along, he wouldn’t have fallen asleep in the first place! This is a great observation.

*Quill* Motivation: The disciples were fearful. You showed that we all have fears and we are motivated to run somewhere for comfort.

*Quill* Setting: Maybe 30 AD? *Smile* It all depends on if you believe the Bible or not.

*Quill* Conflict: At storm came up suddenly! It was so bad the men thought the boat would sink. You effectively showed there was conflict in the boat and out of it.

*Quill*Resolution: They made it to the other side. The words you wrote after the storm, they made it to the shore, safe and sound. The storm might have been horrific, but Jesus got them through it.Those words were true then and are today.

*Quill* My Overall Impression: I loved reading this. I have some observations of my own. Trust was a big issue here. There is a song my kids sang, "With Christ in the vessel you can smile at the storm." Christ knew they still had fears. He need to teach them they would come up against some very fearful situations and people in their future. They needed to be taught that in all things to trust Him. Not only would he direct their path, but walk with them. In this instance he rebuked their fear and said, "I was in the boat. What did you think would happen to me?" I think to myself. If Christ is in me, he's not going to let anything happen he can't handle.

*Quill* What Needs Work:Not a thing. I'm going to read your other posts.

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Review of Twins Piqued  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Dear 🌷 Carol St.Ann 🌷

This review if for House of Stark

*Quill* Goal of Main Character: One twin is going to kill the other.

*Quill* Motivation: The married twin is upset at something the other twin did.

*Quill* Setting: present day

*Quill* Conflict: It seems one twin had tickets to an important game. It happened to be on hid anniversary. He asked his twin to tak his wife out to dinner in his place. The confict is, the twin has sex with his sister-in-law.

*Quill*Resolution: I loved this line. "Okay. You gonna eat them pretzels?"

"Oh you just have ta have what's mine, dontcha? That's it! Get up! I'm gonna kill you."
The idea that the twins were so close one could calm the other then with a word get him riled again. I have a sister and your younger life was like that.
*Quill* My Overall Impression: I loved the dialoge only. It was very confusing at the beginning but as it went along it made sense.

*Quill* What Needs Work: I'd look at giving more detail at the beginning to set the stage better. Still I loved it.

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Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear GaelicQueen

This review if for House of Stark

*Quill* Goal of Main Character: This cute story tells how a young woman meet the man of her dreams, getns engaged then meets his family.

*Quill* Motivation: This young woman seems to desire a relationship with th family. You give each person an identity and voice.

*Quill* Setting: We don't know exactly but my gues would be Florida. The grandparents live there and they drove to see them. They also went to the Kentucky Derby, so they could live somewhere on the east coast.

*Quill* Conflict: This young woman's father passed away. She built a relationship with her future grandfahter. You show the shared interest in horses and the beach.

*Quill*Resolution: This young woman asks the grandfather to give her away. it causes tears to come to his eyes. He must have had boys since he said he never gave anyone away before.

*Quill* My Overall Impression: I love the soty. It was simply told with great feeling. I loved that you used nick names as they would have been known

*Quill* What Needs Work: I didn't see anything.

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Review of The Bug-Man Sting  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Dear Mitchopolis

This review if for House of Stark

*Quill* Goal of Main Character: To catch a thief. preton has the theif pegged and was going to catch him red handed, so to speak.

*Quill* Motivation: My guess was to elvate himself to a higher postion and ingrate himself with the management.

*Quill* Setting: A very posh hotel.

*Quill* Conflict: Soemone was stealing from the guest and/or hotel.

*Quill*Resolution: Preston nabbed the man he believed to be the thief. The impression of any real person was he got the wrong guy.

*Quill* My Overall Impression: I loved the story, It followed a good path and came to a mistaken conclusion, even if it was the wrong one. You led the read through the actions to the conclusion with some hint that Preston'c conclusion might be wrong.

*Quill* What Needs Work: Nothing I could see.

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Review of Memories Lost  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Dear 💙 Carly

This review if for House of Stark

*Quill* Goal of Main Character: Sam must expose Matt for what he was, a cheating golddigger. They were the usual party pictures happy and fun seemed to radiate, but one picture caught her eye. The woman she didn’t know... but the guy was her friend’s boyfriend, Matt. They were in bed together.

*Quill* Motivation: “He’s around somewhere. You know we’re going to get married. I told you, right?” This is what motivated Sam to find Matt and expose him.

*Quill* Setting: The pictures had been taken near the beginning of the party. The hostess, Janice had thought it would be cool to have all her attendees take snap shots of the things they were enjoying at the party. The idea was so popular; the first memory card was already full and thus circulating in the photo frame. Looking around, Sam could see the camera passing from person to person among the throng of revellers. This is the party Sam arrived at.

*Quill* Conflict: Matt had the Memory card then tossed it into the pool.

*Quill*Resolution: Matt didn't stop or talk to his fiance, but headed out the door.

*Quill* My Overall Impression: I had no toruble following it. You did what you set out to do.

*Quill* What Needs Work: There were a couple of times I had to remember who Janice was and she was not the fiance.

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144
144
Review of Bottle Hunter  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Dear Nixie Martell cheerleader

This review if for House of Stark

*Quill* Goal of Main Character: Marie and Calvin are bottle collectors. What their goal is wil be to sell some of their pricey stock to collectors and those who know the value of antique glass bottles.

*Quill* Motivation: Marie is in love with Calvin. When a woma has set her heart on a man she will learn everything she can about the thing that drives that man. His hopes, his asperations and desires. They she goes for the hobby or profession that drives his life. In this case it was searching for rare, antique bottles.

*Quill* Setting: I'm guessing present day. The setting it self was at local trad fair but one held in a field. I found that to be odd as I would think the value of such items wouldn't be trusted in the uneven land and the posiblitiy of breakage. I wouldn't let some one hold a $4k bottle out of the case unless they knew its value up front and what the circumstances would be if they broke it. Having been in amy shops there are signs all over "if you break it you own it."

*Quill* Conflict: I didn't find any real conflict. It was purely informational. Telling the reader facts that were very interesting to me and done in such a way I might never have known that was the purpose if it hadn't been prompted at the beginning.

*Quill*Resolution: Well, there wasn't any sales made but we know Marie is in love with Calvin and it would seem she has partially achieved her goal of sharing his interest

*Quill* My Overall Impression: I loved the story. I loved the information and how you presented it.

*Quill* What Needs Work: An elderly woman eyed the couple before pointing to a corner far back on the table. "Can I see the greenish-blue one?"
Calvin picked up the bottle, worth around fifty dollars.
"That's pretty. How much?"
"A thousand."
The woman bit her lip. "Oh."
Marie took the bottle cradled in Calvin's hand and stroked the cool length, admiring the air bubbles and tracing the pontil. "Calvin jacked up the price because this one's priceless."
The woman leaned forward. "Priceless?"
I got lost here. The woman asked about the bottle that earlier was very expensive yet this one was just $50.00. Then someone, no tag asks,"How much?" and the answer is 1K but Marie tells the woman now its priceless. I would change this. It needs to be explained better. Who's talking and what bottle are they talking about?



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145
145
Review of Phone Service  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear R. G. Hosman


*Quill* Goal of Main Character: This person is relating incidents of intervention. With each phone intervention the main character gained confidence in the caller, whomever it was.

*Quill* Motivation: The goal of the caller seemed to be benevolent. The call came at opportune times to encourage, reward or protect the main character.

*Quill* Setting: Nothing specific was given. Just a cell phone which could have been anywhere in the 21 century. Other than place settings, there is no description of the main character, his feelings, his observations or reactions other than the last one where he ran out of the house, clothed.

*Quill* Conflict: There is little conflict here. but I should tell you that the phone in question has not been in service in over a year. I keep the phone with me because it makes a good alarm clock and I have a lot of music on it so I don't want to get rid of it. Now I carry it for another reason as well. If I change phones, will the strange caller know the new number. This is the conflict or thought provoker. The plausibility of the calls then becomes almost impossible to the skeptic and reinforcement to the Believer.

*Quill*Resolution: The question is to the reader to decide of the events were real or not. Since they are all plausible they have to be considered real.

*Quill* My Overall Impression: The actions set forth are well thought out and cause introspection as well as a conversation piece. Since I'm a Believer, these incidents are not improbable to me. The commonality or frequency of the acts makes me a little hard to accept as a truth, but makes a great storyline. I liked the incidents because they were all real. The end was the kicker and I loved that.

*Quill* What Needs Work: You mentioned in the little plug, this was your first attempt at writing. I don't want to discourage you so let me say here are a few reminders to keep when writing.
1)Don't write as you talk. There is a difference. When sitting down with a friend relaying all this information, you might watch for any interest from the listener. Here you don't have that luxury. It's your responsibility to infuse interest and keep the reader wanting to hear more. (more later)
2)Look at all the "was", "were," and words like "noticed," "trying." These words are fillers. They have no real meaning. They don't describe or enhance the story in any way.
3)Your story are bits of unconnected paragraphs (incidents). You don't infuse the main characters reaction, feelings, concerns, anticipations or reticence. If you are telling this story to someone you know, they know you and how you might feel in each situation. Or would they?
I suggest you start a new story with this as your outline. Now tell me the story the way it makes you FEEL. Start by grabbing my interest and asking me if I've ever had something happen and when I looked back I wondered how I escaped it? You might say "Did you ever feel a prompt to go somewhere or feel like you should do something, enter a contest you won or pick up a bag to find money in it? (assume the listener says, "Yes.") Now tell your story because you know you have a sympathetic audience. As you tell each incident infuse the shock, wonderment, scary even "ghostly" perception of who was calling. There was none of that. You were a cold voice retelling facts. Make me anticipate each incedent.


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146
146
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
         
** Image ID #1988770 Unavailable **

You've been Reviewed for:Game of Thrones

Dear very thankful

This a regular review:

*Quill* Goal of Main Character: I read your query to see what a letter to a publisher might hold. What I missed was, first of all what is the goal of the two brothers? Don't say the prophecy because you never tell what it is. Think Harry Potter. If you were to write a query letter for that series you might say Harry Potter was destined to fulfill a prophecy he would meet and fight Voldemort.
You don't give the reader any idea what the prophecy has to do with whatever happens.

*Quill* Motivation: Here again you didn't give the editor some idea what drives the two bothers to stay where they are and not run away. What keeps them on opposite sides of the "war?"

*Quill* Setting: This you did very well, I have an idea that two cowboys will be totally lost in a fantasy world. More like the book "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court." That idea was interesting to me.

*Quill* Conflict: In this aspect you allude to a war. It seems like an after thought. This should be something that hints to what is the actual conflict will be. It could be something toward the beginning of the story or middle. You might tell what conflict involves the two brothers who find themselves sympathizing with the houses they are in. Do they see a merge of the houses will be a benefit? Then say "There are two who work against the brothers to cause a war that could wipe out both houses and leave the wrong people in power." Now we have an interest to see what will happen. As it reads now there isn't a reason to even pick up the book.

*Quill*Resolution: You don't need to tell the end but the publisher wants to know if you resolved it. Give a hint to something the brother's do so solve the problem.

*Quill* My Overall Impression: I wasn't drawn in to read the story. This could be why you have some rejections that say" It doesn't fit." They really don't know what your story is about.
What caused me to look at this was your log of queries. I was so impressed with that I couldn't figure out why your query wasn't picked up. I see why now.

*Quill* What Needs Work:I suggest you cut some and add some. Look at the suggestions above GMC and make sure you have included these elements in your query. You only have one chance to grab that interest. What is the one thing you want them to know about your story that will make them ask you for more. A list of characters doesn't do it. That is a mood killer.
Why don't you not say anything about the cowboy issue? Why not start with "Twin brothers are transported from their home in the 1800's to a Faerie Realm. They are separated and appear in two different houses. Neither know if the other is alive.
As they are introduced to the characters in each house, they discover they indeed are both alive and have sympathy's for their hosts issues. This causes friction between the two. As forces outside their hosts houses converge, the two brothers have to help the faeries come to come agreement. In all of this Tyler and Dylan find they may have some influence due to a prophecy they discover. The Leaders of Deacon have something to say about the prophecy. They will do anything to stop it."

This may have nothing to do with your story, but you see there is a little question in the piece that could cause an editor to stop and re-read it.
I hope this helps and you get a contract soon.
147
147
Review of Charad's Journey  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear Voodoo Shampoo ,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: It's a good beginning. It gives some description of the area. The paragraphs are short and easy to read.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? I'm not sure. Somewhere in this first piece should be the reason why he is there or who sent him. It could be something like: Charad stood at the opening. He didn't want to go down into its bowels, but (insert name/title) sent him there for that reason. (or whatever reason he is there for) He took a number of steps but stopped at the mouth of the cavern. (describe the land a little more. What is his feeling toward it?) This could be the last time he would see it, if those inside had their way. He shrugged his pack and adjusted the weapon in his hands. It was comfortable, familiar and he knew every kick or sound it made.
An erie light shown out of the darkness and he listened for sounds that might be hiding in the darkness. He was here because he was loyal, obedient and maybe he had a deathwish. He didn't smile at the last word.
Something like this slipped into the story tells the reader what his goal is, Why he's there and how he feels about being there. We see what kind of character he is. His loyalties and strengths.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Like above, you need to state somewhere in this part what is motivating him to go into that cavern. Is he protecting them from the critters that are outside or were those protecting what was inside from him?
The motivation will need to be adjusted as he continues this path. Right now its the reason he is here. Later it might be protecting or defending something else in order to reach his goal.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Right away Charad is in a fight which he wins. Then he's confronted with some statues that come alive. I was confused here. Who told him to throw the jar at the statues? Why did he do it? I mean why did he obey that order? It seemed odd, so what was the command given that he did it? His respect for the wizard that told him if he needed help to do it/ Or in case of emergency? or were these women supposed to lead him somewhere and protect him?

*Pencil* Resolution: None, this looks like an introduction.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? Not really. I don't "see" Charad, I saw more of the creature and I had trouble figuring it out what it looked like and what its purpose was. Charad didn't do anything more that kill something and throw a bottle at the statues. I don't know what he is or what is his purpose. See above.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: "Critters" is a slang for woodland animals. I wouldn't use this word. it defines the person by USA standards and might not transfer to other countries. Use creatures as it is generic or be specific, as you did.
Pretty much what I stated above.



** Image ID #1919862 Unavailable **


148
148
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I finished your posting and offer this review to you.
Quick-Quill



*Gift1*Plot This story of seasons in transition. You wrote about the first day of summer and seeing all the colors laid out before you. Then came the suddenness of a storm that caught you by surprise.

*Gift2* Characters Summer:Packed lunch in hand, I left the house and began crossing the fields behind the shed out back. Just a few more fences to climb, and I would be at the base of the mountain. The fields were alive with dancing wild flowers of many colors. It was here Crayola drew her muse for creating new crayons. There was every color for the painter's palette out here in the wilderness. You are telling the story. I thought this was a great description.
The storm: As the gray sky clouded above me, the once slight breeze that had ceased to exist found the courage to muster up a gale of profound proportions. It became a wall of bricks that struck without warning. Very good description of the way the storm came.
Thick ash began to burn my skin as it rushed at me from the sky. Wait. This wasn't ash, it was snow.This passage was excellent. I could feel the bits of hail/snow that would feel like not ash. The sting you described felt real.

*Gift3* Reference ..it was the last hurrah of Father Winter as he headed off into the mountains, taking his breath of snow and bristling cold with him. The wall of bitter rage was marching on-ward as nothing could stop it. I loved this line. I could see Father winter in a rage. One of my all time favorite stories is "The Selfish Giant." Here winter comes to his castle and won't leave. I see your description in the same way Oscar Wilde wrote about this wintery tale.

*Gift4* General impressions A good use of the prompt, which went right along with the story. I'm glad you used it at the end and didn't deter the story by forcing it in earlier.

Line Items:
A slight breeze took the sting out of the sun as it rose in the sky; cool enough to almost quench your thirst, but leaving just enough warmth that you contemplated taking off your long sleeve shirt and continuing on in your tank top. The hike was an easy one, I had done it many times before. If I wasn't so afraid of the dark, I could probably do it without the light of day to see by. This paragraph changes POV. Can you find it? the use of "you" and "I" are not interchangeable it should read, cool enough to quench my thirst but...that I might contemplate taking off my long sleeve....and continuing on in my tank top."
I stopped half way up the mountain to enjoy my lunch. Looking back over the surrounding valley offered a beautiful view. Peace and serenity were all you could feel when taking in this view. I was tilting my head back to swallow the rest of my water, when I felt the change around me. here again you begin with First person and switch to third and back to first. Keep it in one POV. The rest stayed in the right POV.
Read back over this and see where you used -ed. This means it happened at a previous time. You need to keep the thoughts in the present. It was going to be a very weird day. I had to walk home yet, and I wasn't sure of what had just happened. I did know this: "Seasons Come and Seasons Go". Maybe though, they didn't all like to leave. Here you are telling me something as if you experienced it much earlier. It might read better as Looking at the path back home I thought about the events that just transpired and this might be the weirdest day yet. The change in weather today was truly amazing. I do know this....



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149
149
Review of It's Too Late  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Sum1 ,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: The story began with a hint of foreshadowing. The questions the detective asked were answered with more foreboding. The questioning and answers kept me wondering how it would all turn out? How could Kevin be so sure he wouldn't be prosecuted?

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Osborn, the detective is interrogating the suspect. The more he questions Kevin the more confused he is until Kevin tells the back story to his actions.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Kevin is arrested for solicitation and groping. Its what motivated him to do it that is the point of the story. You wove this into the telling with gradual bits of information until the info dump at the end. I'm not sure if there was a word count limit. If so then it somewhat limited your story telling.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?There aren't any real conflicts. Kevin is in jail because of what he did. Its the reason behind what he did that is conflicting to Osborn. He has to draw the background story out of Kevin.

*Pencil* Resolution: THE END I don't want to say to much but the end substantiates Kevin's story.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? To a point we understand the placement of each character. Osborn the detective and he acts as we think he should. He questions Kevin to find out why he perpetrated the crimes. Kevin is a Professor and isn't acting like an educated well placed person of his demeanor would. The conflicting actions of this man is what drives the reader to find the answers.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: You do a lot of TELLING. I caution you as a writer to put the best you can forward. That's not saying we are all perfect, it means going back and seeing where you many have been a little lazy. I say this as I'm on my 3rd MS edit, looking for the lazy "was," "went." "that," words that slow a story down. You also switch from the present to the past. Are you telling the reader as its happening or in the past?
Since this is the present you need to use -ings instead of -ed.
Its much harder, but keeps the reader in the right time table.
In your first paragraph you could draw the reader into the intense situation by less description of Kevin and more of Osborn's confusion to the man's demeanor.
example The man across the table from Osborn sat comfortably as one could in the situation. He looked at the arrest report and then at the man who stared at the table top and then at his watch. He'd done this repeatedly since he was brought to the room. Right away we are told this is a police station interrogation room. One is a cop the other a man that seems to not be too upset about his situation.
When you disclose his title, the reader has an immediate idea of what he might look like. BUT- "Professor-" "Kevin, please." "Okay, Kevin, I'm sorry you had to be taken from your workplace. I see you're still wearing the lab coat. Do you want to get more comfortable?" Kevin nods and removes the lab coat to reveal a plain white shirt and button up sweater. He folded his hands on the table. Soft and well manicured, Osborn noticed. This type of information is slipped into each paragraph without info dumps.
Kevin continued to speak, his speech flowing smoothly, information pouring out of him now. “In doing these tests, we also hoped to demonstrate the existence of the Higgs Boson. Early this year, we ramped up the voltage in the collider to 6.24 TeV, and finally created a small black hole. Of course, we were ecstatic at this, and there were a lot of initial celebrations. But we had a problem. Our models had predicted that the black hole would not survive long, since it didn’t have enough mass. But instead of being destroyed, it remained where it had been created. It wasn’t growing in size, at least not at first. Slowly, over a period of two months it grew. Now understand, its size was microscopic, but preliminary models suggested it would grow to a dangerous size in about fifty years, at which time it would essentially explode into a much larger size, and our world would cease to exist. One of my co-workers had the idea of creating a second black hole using electrons, and models showed that the two would interact, negating each other, and be destroyed. Of course there was a lot of discussion on this part, since our first models were not entirely correct. In the end, he won a deciding majority to his idea. End result? We ran electrons through the collider to create a negative black hole so to speak." This is a huge info dump. It would have generated more intensity if you would have had Kevin tell a little and then have Osborn ask questions, but then have Kevin tell him there wasn't time to tell it all. Just that he and his coworker had discovered the end of time was today and there wouldn't be any need to continue the conversation. Kevin would tell him to go home to his family and just put him in a jail cell. Osborn has to have a niggling of doubt but the man's actions give him a reason to take a chance. He orders the guard to take Kevin to a cell and he strides down the hall, oblivious of those who call out to him. His chief calls out but Osborn says, "I've got to go ho-"




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150
150
Review of "The Special Box"  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Happy Spring ,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: As soon as I got to the third paragraph I know what the box was for. I began to tear up. Now, I'm not attached to my dog to the point I would have a hard time taking her in. What I read was like watching the movie Marley. I knew it was coming and the love you had for your dog was so touching.
As you told of your time with her at the vet I couldn't hold the tears back. ME, I'm not sentimental about dogs, but your story touched my heart.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? To find a box, a very special box for a very special lady. One that would show the love she gave and was given to her.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Sara was a companion, one who enjoyed just being with the couple. Their joy was her joy and that love was given unconditionally.
She loved to jump into UPS Trucks. Long ago, when our regular driver, Brian pulled into the yard, she would leap over our gate onto his truck. He always had a treat for her. After that, she thought all UPS trucks and their drivers were the same. This made me smile. My dog thinks every gas station, bank and coffee shop give treats. Most here in Portland do. Even if she doesn't eat it and some times they will be in the car for weeks, her head hangs out to get that pat on the head and a treat. I can see by your story your dog was probably the same way.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?As the years passed, Sara's health declined and her time on earth was almost over. You wrote of the times you had to help her outside to do her business and fed her. I am in tears as I think how she still loved you in spite of her disability.

*Pencil* Resolution: You gave Sara the special send off she deserved. the memory of her love and the place she had in your life will always be there.
My husband picked out that one special wooden box, brought it home and stained it twice. I lined the box with pink velvet for our very special little girl. We placed the smaller white box inside, along with her collar, leash and sympathy cards and a petite book entitled “A Dog is Your Best Friend.” Also a pewter medal was placed inside. An angel dog is etched on one side and the other side is engraved with the inscription “Always with you.” She was truly our angel. I still can't hold back the tears when I read this.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? The reader is led into the lives of this couple and the part Sara played. Each


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: I honestly couldn't find anything wrong. Your story flowed from beginning to end with ease.



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