Dear betweenthelines ,
What I liked about the story: The ending. It was the best part. It hooked me, made scroll down to see if there was a link to Chapter 2. I was sad to see there wasn't. I liked Miles and Dr. Parker. I really want to know why Miles was in that room and I want to know if Dr. Parker is going to find something interesting in the journals that is going to make a difference in the way things are in this story. Many questions that have me wondering. You quit too soon. Which is just what you want to do.
What is the goal of the main Character? This isn't clear. I don't know what Dr. Parker is researching and what Miles is helping him with. Their goal is unclear and this needs to be made clear at the beginning. The ultimate goal doesn't have to be made clear as the initial goal may change. The reader needs to know what the Dr. is researching. What is the goal of whom they are working for. The reader will then understand why he is peering in the microscope. I didn't get he job other than that. What happens in Chapter 2 may change the goal in Chpt 1 and that's ok.
What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Here too I have no idea what his motivation is in this chapter. Why is he doing this job? Why did he choose this vocation? What was his hope continuing to work there? What would happen to his work if he didn't do it? What is the stakes in this story that will keep the reader wondering if he's going to succeed or not?
What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? AHA! we have a body! That is quite the way to end a chapter. However, (BUT) we don't have any lead up to anything that is threatening. True you have a long diatribe at the beginning of the state of the country and the mindset of the people but it doesn't relate to Dr. Parker or Miles or give any indication there was a fraction against what they were doing. The reader doesn't know what they are doing. There needs to be a conflict in each scene. Something that is trying to prevent the Main Character from reaching his goal. It could be a competing firm, Parker was close to something or they wanted the journals. He had to lock them away and take only one out at a time. The safe was on a timer and could only be opened at certain times so whom ever wanted to have all the journals would have access to only one then have to wait hours (that they might be discovered) until the next time the safe could be opened.
Setting: You gave a lot of description about culture but no definition of where this story takes place. City, country any identifying places a reader can tuck away.
Do the characters develop in this story? The reader doesn't know much about Parker. I didn't read Miles call him by his first name and you didn't refer to him by any other name. Miles might call his name instead of HEY! The reader knows Parker doesn't have a romantic relationship, has no life outside his work, probably no family. An orphan? In this society maybe his parents are in the elite and wanted more from him but he wanted to find the next cure for cancer or why the titsi fly became extinct. This wasn't in their plans but it was the only time he rebelled and they disowned him. Now the reader can sympathize with him. He's a loner. He chose vocation over family and the hedonistic way of life they lived.
What do I think needs work:
I will start at the beginning. Cut the "prologue" just cut and paste to another page and write "Back story" Everything you wrote can be dropped into conversation and storyline in the story itself. It was boring and if I were reading it for enjoyment I would drop it in the "round file" You have to start with action. Start with the LAST LINE FIRST~!
Shivering I pass the columns holding specimens from other experiments taking place throughout the institution. The temperature is kept to a strict minimum to preserve the cells. After passing through to the section of my investigation section I make my way along the corridor made from two long rows of shelves piled high with petri dishes, blood samples, saliva, eggs cells etc. but I stop abruptly when something up ahead catches my eye. To anyone not concentrating or in a hurry it would have slipped by un-noticed. I hurry over to examine the lump at the end of the aisle and freeze. It's a body. But that's not what gets my heart racing, dead bodies are nothing new to me. No, what stops my own heart is the unruly curls on this corpse I know those curls, I've watched them flop over countless hours examining specimens through a microscope.
Its Miles.
This grabs the reader right off and they will want to know what happened.
The next paragraph is That afternoon I looked up and saw Miles for the last time."
"I'm off"
"You're leaving? Already?"
"Already" Miles slips off his perfectly white lab coat and hangs it on the stand grabbing his winter coat and shuffles into it awkwardly.
"Its eight-forty-five" he consults his wristwatch for good measure
"Is it?" I ask pushing the papers back on the desk and stretching my arms above my head.
"What have you got planned for the weekend? Anything fun?" I watched as his sky blue eyes light up with the excitement, and all the glories the two day break holds.
"Nothing special. I was aiming at some light reading" I hold up on of the doctor's journals with a smirk which awards me a painful groan from Miles.
"Please don't tell me your planning on still sticking around here all night?" he glances around the room and I pause to take it in.
It hasn't changed much since we have acquired it; our work area is very clean; everything an experimental lab needs to be. Neat, clean, tidy and white. The floor is tiled the walls plasterboard and the ceilings high making the room a spacious work place. The metal stairs lead to a small office area where Miles has set up camp. The tables are all steel and the usual gloves, goggles and general equipment are scattered in a somewhat unplanned manner if very tidy, and I hate mess.
"No, not this weekend, I'm planning to just have a good night in you know? Some kick back. I haven't had time for just me in a while." And it's true I haven't, since I have started this project my life has been all about my work, my days and nights spent bent around my lab and my studies.
"I know what you mean" I look up to see Miles run a hand through his sandy blonde hair "well enjoy it, I know I will."
"Oh I know you will too"
"What's that supposed to mean?" his expression screams as if taking an insult but the quirk to his lip and the tone of his voice prove false.
"Were you aware my ancestors, the ol' Brit's used to be huge party-goers? Looks like I take after me mum. You're welcome to join me you know..."
"Oh no, no, no" I shake my head vehemently I distinctly remember my first (and last) Miles evening. A sort of initiation into his more than ampule lifestyle. After numerous let downs I finally agreed to a night out with Jeremy and a few of his friends. I also remember the Monday next and the headache that refused to leave me.
"Suit yourself" he lifts one shoulder and lets it drop in his signature shrug "but you're missing out" I smile at him as he heads for the door not turning as he waves a goodbye back at me. I shake my head once he's gone, recalling again what lies in store for him once he leaves the lab grounds, and shudder. I grab another journal and set out again into my chair settling in for further discovery into the case.
From here you need to show fear in Parker. He stands there wondering? Checks to see if there is anyone else in the room. Wonders why Miles is even there? He doesn't touch Miles other than to check his pulse. His fear of what is going to happen if he calls security. Here is where you show how the culture exists now. You don't have to show past and present. Once you establish where and the year, the reader will know the way things were. Unless this is a Sci-fi and you have created a new world. You didn't show that in this story so I assumed they were in the USA somewhere. He thinks about who he will have to tell. Now you can tell the culture. What is protocol? What will it mean to him that he found Miles? He'll be a suspect, he won't be able to work, WHAT is at stake? Now you have the reader really wanting to know more.
If you want to include all that you wrote above. Have Miles and Parker talk. One is for the new culture, the other not. Parker has resisted the hierarchy to do what he wants to do. Miles might be using his brain just to have a job that gets him good money and the girls who want his status. Just a thought. You can show all this by Parker remembering the long nights arguing over these things. Parker throws up at him the waste of human life for the betterment of those who can afford more. Miles argues there is always a cost to progress, but one must live with the cost of lives if it means others will be benefited. See how you can add those things in the beginning as the story moves along.
I hope this helps.
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