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1,485 Public Reviews Given
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Review Style
I have a form I use for reviews. I look for a Goal, Motivation, Conflict and Resolution. It also allows me to tell what I liked and what I thinks needs improving. In my reviews I may make suggestions by adding my take on what the author is trying to say. Purely a suggestion to take or leave as needed.
I'm good at...
Giving in depth and fair reviews. I usually review stories that interest me. I don't always like them but they have promise and potential. I am fair but I AM reviewing. I do not review grammar or spelling. I do point out past and present tenses as well as the over use of WAS, WENT, THE and THAT in one story so watch those.
Favorite Genres
inspirational, mystery,action/Adventure, paranormal and anything that falls into those broad genre, some fantasy and comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Vampires,YA or adult. This genre is overrated and unless you write much better than Steph Meyer, I probably won't read it. Most Non-fiction unless the premise interest me. Always worth an ask.
Favorite Item Types
Everything in the STATIC file except the ones listed below: Look down
Least Favorite Item Types
Appendix, bulletin, campfire, in n out, editorial,letter/memo, lyrics, outline, preface, script/play, Poetry.
I will not review...
Poetry. I don't understand this style and don't feel confident to review it. Novel or novella, I reserve the right to refuse to review. Not to hurt feelings, but time wise it may be something I can't give good attention to, but always ask.
Public Reviews
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Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
The Power Reviewers stopping by with birthday wishes


Dear Writer,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I liked the title. I love a testimony about answers to prayers. We have testimonies at our church almost every meeting (except Sunday AM) I loved the heartfelt emotion andI felt and understood your fear.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? To pray that her baby would be alive. Living for a week in the hospital with fear she would have to bury another baby, crying because she felt alone in her depression. How sad.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? After having one still born baby then the second one rushed to intensive care the fear of the loss was greater than the loss itself.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?Your depression almost overcame the situation. You were not letting go and letting God work, you let fear and doubt trouble your until you were almost sick with it. I hope that was a lesson on trusting God to hold up his end of the bargan. Even if he took her, for whatever reason, he still would be with you and uphold you if you let him. Do you trust him to know what's best in your life? It seemed that until you had her in your arms you didn't trust God to know what was best. Its a hard lesson to learn and the bad thing is we will have to endure it again until we learn to just step out into nothing and trust Him to catch us, even if we have to fall a few hundred feet first.

*Pencil* Resolution: Her baby was brought back healty and I'm sure ready to be with mommy.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? It was too short for an indepth study but we know this woman endured great loss. One that only another mother that lost a child could know. That tearing of your soul. The pain is understood when she had do go through the possibility that her second child might not live. However we understand she had the sense to pray to God for intercession. It was the fear and doubt that held her from the real blessing that trusting God brings. She was elated and happy that her baby girl was alive and well. How much better if she didn't give into the fear that led to depression and trusted God, Giving him the glory no matter what happened. What might her blessing be if that happened.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: Nothing. it was a wonderful account and it came out right and all were blessed who read it.



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177
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I Love a good children's story and I think you had a great idea. I love it when someone takes the prompt and looks outside the box! This was a great plot and you did a good job getting the point across. The end was a little sad but I loved the story anyway. The best part was the explanation at the end. Now it all makes sense.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? To bring Caroline the Old woman in the shoe to her birthday party.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? The love of the Little Old woman with all her children proabably mothered all the inhabitants of Mother Gooseland

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Mother Goose invitesLittle old Woman to tea but Little old Woman is getting older and doesn't want to make a fuss over her birthday. She wants to pass the day quietly.

*Pencil* Resolution: All the inhabitants of Mother Gooseland come home. It makes Mother Goose so happy she has a heart attack and dies.

*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
I realize the word count limit. But you need to do a couple of things that might help the beginning. I knew who Mother Goose was but the first few paragraphs has me completely clueless.
It should read like this:
delete Stomp, stomp, “Children, if you’d please.” You are TELLING what she's doing.
Start the story here with action. “Children, if you’d please.” Mother Goose's voice wasn't loud enough to cut the din.
“Humpf! Priscilla please forgive me.” She grabbed the old goose, shoved her under her wing like a bagpipe and proceeded to briskly squeeze.
“Uh- ooo- ga! Uh-ooo-ga!”
Startled by Priscilla('s) wails, everyone sat down and turned their attention to Mother Goose standing at the dais.
“Now, children you’ve come from near and far, at my beck and call. I do appreciate that. Your mother will be so surprised to see all her children return for her birthday tomorrow." The din from the group rose and she squawked louder, "Do you all know what to do?"
"Yes,"the mass of children, spouses, grandchildren spoke in unison. It was the first time in ages that they' had all been home at the same time. It was going to be a grand family reunion was planned to celebrate their mother’s birthday
(Space)
The next day, Mother Goose dropped in to visit Caroline, in her shoe house. “Happy birthday, my dear.”
These little clues tell the reader who the parties in the story are. I didn't know until I got to the shoe house who was getting the party. Its been a long time since I read a nursery rhyme.
If you need to cut words cut out from near and far, at my beck and call. its not needed. We don't need to know how far they came. That they came is enough especially when we find out who is getting the birthday bash.

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178
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: It was short and I my dad (84 yrs old) could have stepped into the beginning of this story. I liked the character, his actions and his demeanor. You did a good job of telling this story.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? to catch fish, to get through the day. There didn't seem to be much motivation here. I wondered at the end what was the point of telling the story? Who benefits from reading it? You might think about that. Does the reader feel better, happy, sad but satisfied? These are reasons people read a short story.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Here again I didn't get any motivation. I was sorry that there wasn't a tie in to the little boy. Something that made the story have a meaning thus a reason for you to tell it. If its the truth sometime you have to add a bit in to make it more interesting. Maybe the kindness made the boy turn away from stealing or he was able to catch fish to feed his family.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Other than the boy trying to steal the rigging that was the only conflict. I don't know if you had a word count limit, but there seems more to this story than what you told. I feel it in there.

*Pencil* Resolution: The man dies. This was a bit surreal. What happened on that day that was different than any othe day? So he just felt like dying on that day? why? It left me feeling let down.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? Not really, we start to get to know the guy then he dies.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
You mix tenses. you have -ing which is telling something as it is happening then you have -ed which is telling something that already happened. Choose one and stick to all the way through the story. Rewrite as many sentences with the word WAS in it. Leave them only when you can't do without them.
I loved the part of his cooking. This made me think the story would be a good one. You gave detail, his feelings and made the process complete.
He was right to think today would be a good day to fish. The tide was just high. The temperature was warm but there was enough breeze to keep him cool. There weren’t too many fishermen on the pier. This was, indeed, a picture-perfect day to fish. He grabbed a cooler from its resting place on the front porch and dragged it down the walkway. This was the best paragraph in the story. But you had too many sentences. It should read like this: He grabbed a cooler from its resting place on the front porch and dragged it down the walkway. The rollers rubbed and scraped the dock as he made his way to his favorite spot. The high tide and warm temperature were a good combination and the breeze cooled his skin where the thin shirt didn't cover his arms. He nodded to the three other fisherman as he passed them. This was, indeed, a picture-perfect day to fish. We got more detail, it flows easier and in the proper order. How did he know there weren't any fisherman on the dock? how did he get from his house to the dock? You need to give the reader a picture of the setting.
Fishing every day like this reminded the old man of his youth. He and his scamp of a friend, Rico, went fishing all the time as kids. Rico would sneak into Father Marqueso’s office and borrow his rod when they were supposed to be in school. They would bring in eel longer than Rico was tall and kindle a fire back in the woods. Then they would nab some of Rico’s mother’s chili powder and have themselves an after school snack to end all others. This was the only place he thought about the past. It was a nice thought but had no connection to the present or why it came to his mind or why we needed to know about it. Was he catching eels that's what made him think of Rico?
I'd love you to rewrite this with more setting, some purpose or goal add a little conflict, the boy trying to steal his rigging, maybe a little haggling over the fish. Oh why would he catch one fish and bring it to market? Most fishermen continue to fish until they have no bait, no bites, or its the end of the day. Then they take their catch in to sell. You might rethink that as it was odd he'd sell one fish and go back to fishing.
I think the end needs some more detail. What was different about this day? Let me just throw this out for kicks and giggles. What if his purpose was to make a difference in the young boy's life. We all have a purpose, what if his life was for this one time? That he showed the boy how to fish maybe instead of selling all his fish he gave one to the boy? The boy appreciated the kindness and told him he would keep the others from stealing his stuff. The man looked the boy in the eye and told him to make good choices in life and this was a very good choice. To do good rather than evil. Then when the man dies we sigh and say It was a good day to fish." Just my suggestions.




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179
179
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Dear Writer,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: It was about moving. I have moved a lot over the years and I was interested to see where this was going. I could hear the pain in her voice. The insecurity of being moved to a new school again.
The story led through a whole day from the morning when they were told they would be moving to coming home. The middle was short and gave the girl's emotions caused by change an uncertainty. My sister is sitting next to me picking at her nails and my older brother is sitting up front playing with the radio when my mom slaps his hand and says, "stop!" This shows the reader, tension and emotion. Its the only time.
I felt sick knowing that we're moving again. We went through hell trying to get the house owners to rent this to us. I liked this, it showed there was more to the story and we should read it.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? To get through the day and see her siblings Jennifer and Jerimiah. I may be wrong but the writer's name is Jessica so this my be drawn from her own experiences.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? She wants to stay in the new high school. After the short time there the routine and getting to know people had become comfortable.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? No reason was given for the move. This had happened at least twice during the school year and possibly more times before. They too a different route home than when they came to school, no reason given.

*Pencil* Resolution: none the story suddenly ends with no further continuation.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? No, we know her siblings names but not hers. We know due to the constant moves she is insecure, it doesn't seem as if they are a close family.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: First of all there is format. when you are in edit mode, scoll past the edit box and under it is a section that states preserve spacing or put a space between paragraphs. Put a mark in the box that adds a space. It makes it easier to read.

Next you need to tell the reader more detail about the main character, name, age, looks. Show the reader HOW she feels about moving. Not that she's crying. All through the day, did she tell anyone? Who was her best friend? Who was she sad about leaving? Did anyone notice she had red eyes and spikey lashes from crying? Not one teacher noticed?
Why was it important she see here siblings at lunch? Were they her comfort blanket?
This was too short, no paragraphs and thoughts jumped from one to another with no context or transition.
If this is the start to a long story give a little hint of what's to happen.



PDG reviewers sig

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Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I really love reading the uneducated try to theorize the Bible. I had to laugh out loud at the suppositions you came up with. Please, do not quote the Bible in pieces and expect them to fit like a puzzle the Bible isn't a layer, it's like a cube. Its all connected, but not in a linear fashion.
This Part 2 was very humorous to read. I think you need to stick to the Part 1 and leave it there. Just as in all things there are degrees of knowledge. the Don't think, don't question, just believe. should never be listed in one sentence. There are off the board, hanging on by the fingers, fanatical people who will Bible thump and argue til the trumpet sounds that everything is by faith you don't HAVE to understand it all.
That is true to a point. I have no idea how my car works and when it doesn't, I have to call an expert. I know when my car didn't start on Sunday afternoon the battery was dead. I knew why. It took faith that someone would have jumper cables and knew how to jump it for me. I didn't ask just anyone expecially some kid who didn't drive to do it, I relied on someone with experience. Someone who had tested and tried the operation to do it.
If you plan on explaining God you had better have experienced what you are talking about before putting pen to paper, so to speak. I would never assume to tell a person that jumping a car is just clamping the copper pincers to a black box in the engine area to the same black box in the engine area of another car. I do know there are positives and negatives that have to be known and where to look for them and such. Now I HAVE done this process before. I do know the proceedure, but for someone who has never experienced God working in their life, or the physical change that is made when one gets "saved"
I had to smile at your explanation of the Omniscient and Omnipotent of God. Especially the latter. That one could create but not move? It doesn't deserve a response. In the former let me expain a little. You might have children, they have friends you don't approve of and start hanging around places they shouldn't hang around. You tell them they need to stop and chose different friends. They refuse. Are you surprised when you get a call they are in jail? No you expected it given the path they chose. However did you Stop entreating them to make a different choice? at some point did you just say, its your choice you must take the consequences.
The fact you seem to have some knowlege of God and his mechanicisms shows me that you do have some respect for the idealism and some knowledge of the concequences that are preached.
If I were to be haragued by someone that Santa Claus is real, no matter what they said I would not spend this much time and effort to refute the fact. Who cares? If God isn't real they will find out when they die.... point?
181
181
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Writer,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I loved this story. I was full of empathy and understanding to the man who would take a stranger to his destination. This read like a true account. Truth is stranger than fiction is what came to my mind.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? To take a homeless guy to his destination. No questions asked, none given. I wondered if the rider had the inner humor to know what was going on.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Good will. There is in all of us the desire to make a difference, to help the less fortunate than ourselves and in doing so to feel better about our own lives and station in life.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? The man asked for a dollar. The first thought was should I or not? Then came the thought should I offer a ride instead or not? What are the consequences? Judgment of the outward look showed the man to be clean and comfortably dressed. We assume not too well dressed.

*Pencil* Resolution: no spoiler. I laughed.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? We do see the main character is fair, considerate and willing to put out a hand to help the needy. We know the other man to be in need and willing to trust the main character to take him to his destination when it was offered. In a few words you gave the reader a little background, comfort level of each man and rounded the ending to a fine piece of work.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: not a thing as it probably has a word count limit. I would suggest that after the contest you drag this back to the edit mode and add more detail about the dinner and conversation. What he didn't say or what the main character's preconcieved notion ignored.
Great Job I hope this wins!!!



PDG reviewers sig

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182
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Writer,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: This isn't a case of liking or disliking the content. I was intrigued by the title and even more intrigued by your thesis. You went to great length and as I got the end and saw there were more parts to this discourse, I see you have put plenty of time and grey matter to this work.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? This is literally to use as a tool for an athiest to combat or refute any attempt at convincing or indoctrinating an athiest about the exsistance of God. This very detailed beginning lays out the usual dogma thrown at the athiest in conversation and then the attempts to get them to admit they are wrong.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? I assume from the underlying vehemance of the verbiage, this writer has been accosted more than a few times by "christians" trying to change his/her mind. The layout of this part was concise and covered most attempts by others to refute the athiest's stand.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Obviously there is a huge conflict between a Christian or any God beliving person and one who denys all exsistance of the deity. This is a basic reaction, one of scientific proportion. A scientist may not know exactly how or why a documented protocol works on one patient, yet has no effect on the patient with similar or the exact same symtptoms. Its called Medical Practice because that's what it is. Why God might allows one to die and another to live is still a question that is up for debate. No one has the answer, religious or scientific.

*Pencil* Resolution: None at this time. This is part 1 but there is no resolution it is mearly a statement of belief.

*Pencil* What do I think needs work: Nothing really. There is nothing bad or good about this piece but a statement of what this person belives to be from their own perspective or from the observation of others in the same situation.
Theoretically I have to disagree with the part that we are all born atheists and our theology is learned. Yes, in this era that is a comfortable assumption. However, I have to disagree. We are all born at that moment without any form of religion. At a very early age I suggest the Terrible twos, the adamic nature we ARE born with shows its ugly face. Then is when children, most in our society, are taught the word NO.
Each human at some point in their life learned or not assumes the responsiblity of right and wrong. What they are taught isn't the issue its what's inside. You might call it consicence because that is comfortable to assume. Whatever IT is everyone must choose to do the right thing or do what they know is wrong. That choice is different for each person depending on the situation, culture or location one lives in. It is usually by passed and if you were raised to know right and wrong you make your choice accodingly. If you have no such training, the choice is more dramatic and then becomes a bigger choice when you go against what you thought was right to what you suddenly feel is different and becomes' right. Sometimes its through friends who expose you to another thought.
I'm not going any further with this. It is my observation that the time spent producing this article isn't in need of defense or attack. You have stated and backed each thought with your own way of explaining the possible thrusts and perries of debate on this issue.
My only response is the "Can you afford to be wrong?" If so to what degree would it take to change that? Is there some point at which your impervious mind would be open to the possiblity of being wrong?
Just a thought for your own consideration.



PDG reviewers sig

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183
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Writer,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: You are informative. Never asking for pity. You have stated the cause of your disability and yet I don't hear blame in your "voice." I commend you for that and I'm sure your relationship with God has a lot to do with that. I read a story about a woman who was blind. She grew up to marry a man that was also blind. They lived and worked on a ranch (in the 40's and 50's) she had three (I think) children. As one of the children grew old enough they sat on the father's lap and guided him while he DROVE the truck to town. Freaked the people out when he pulled up infront of the store.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? To inform anyone reading about you to understand where you came from, your life experiences and your goals.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Like every human born into this world we want to be liked and accepted. Having started with a handicap just makes the job a little more difficult. I see in you the ability to over come obsticles, meet the prejudices of people head on without animosity.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Life is full of conflicts. Being run down on a bike (you didn't tell us how you came to be able to ride a bike. That caught me off guard.

*Pencil* Resolution: You are an inspiration to those of us who are here on Wdc and who have read and been reviewed by you and your group!

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? Yes but! here is my dilema. Are you male or female? This account doesn't lend one way or another. I skimmed through it again and since there isn't a name attached (still could be either or like "Pat") I am clueless.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: I have a plan, tell the driver what I want and need, and we set a time and then we're off cursing to our destinations. So you were CURSING to your destination?? ha ha I think that should be CRUISING big difference! I laughed. Good job here.



PDG reviewers sig

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184
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello !

I just finished reading your posting

Overall Review: I have over the years encouraged others to join this site. I am a person that doesn't have a lot of money to spend on something that is of interest only to me. I feel this person started with the wrong idea, Publishing. This site is for POSTING. You get no MONEY here. However you didn't pay to join so what did you expect? Your answer was over the top in detail of what Writing. com is and when used properly the rewards are tremendous.

What is the goal or purpose? Receiving a letter demeaning something one holds dear is a slap in the face. Ranting and arguing proves nothing. You quietly stated the facts in a way that the one reading this would and should have stepped back and apologized.

Is there a motivation?You truely stated the benefits of joining a free writing site and the benefits that are given to anyone who wishes to write, get feedback and if that advice/feedback is taken the result is a better writer.

What are the conflicts? A closed mind! This person or anyone who has this mind, isn't open to the concept of working toward a reward. I joined and still haven't had a lot of CASH$$ to spend here. When I got close to the Three month membership, some kind person gifted me an upgraded memebership and I found reviewing got me more gps and since then I have been trying to get far enough ahead that I could go premium for six months and have some in the pot for the next six months. It is a conflict.

What I Liked: I liked that as I read the benefits of FREE I see more and more the BENEFITS of being a part of Writing. com.My self-esteem is growing. I can PROUDLY say I AM PUBLISHED. Three short stories is still published in my books and I am hanging on to that. You have proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Writing.com is a free site. One can accomplish anything they want if they apply themselves. Learning the art of reviewing may get you requests for reviews. I have had a few requests. This is something that makes me extremely proud to be a part of.

What Needs Work: Not a thing except! I think any person who "joins" for the first time should get a copy of the portion that lists the FREE stuff. Yes, its all there, somewhere. Yet as a welcome to the site, this in an email to the newbie gets them a good overview and where to go if they have questions. I joined a while ago and things probably changed already.
Thank you for posting and for all the work you do on this site.

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*
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Review of Pebbles of Time  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Dear Writer

*Quill*Goal of Main Character: To break though the pain in her home life by using the gift of words to expound her thoughts to the world she lived in.

*Quill* Motivation: The words flowed with an ease onto paper or typewriter. They were good and good enough to submit to a contest. Winning an award that enabled her to go to nationals.

*Quill*Conflict: This young woman lived in an abusive home. One where any achievements that had not been previously garnered by parent or older sibling left only punishment of the physical and emotional kind. Her journals and typewriter were burned and destroyed. She was unable to attend the National competition due to injuries sustained when she "fell down the stairs."

*Quill*Resolution: After years of self deprivation and self punishment, she at last had a breakthrough to start writing again.

*Quill*My Overall Impression: The anger I felt toward the parents and their assessment of their daughter was very emotional. The desire to push them "down the stairs." was strong. Today we can't do that, Today there are still those whose gifts and emotions are killed, and broken. I'm so glad you are healing and that its enough to where you are feeling the muse to write again.

*Quill*What Needs Work: Nothing other than to encourage you to write more.

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186
186
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

*Quill*Goal of Main Character: The man, a friend of the dentist needed a painful tooth attended to. He comes to his friend for advice and treatment of the pained tooth.

*Quill* Motivation:The tooth was painful and the man was a friend of the Dentist. He thought he might be gentle with the bill.

*Quill* Setting: A dentist office and I am guessing in India somewhere.

*Quill*Conflict: The dentist didn't give his friend a monetary break. There was no "friend and family" pricing.

*Quill*Resolution: I'm not sure. I think the man got his tooth pulled and very likely all of them were taken. The Dentist didn't seem to be a friend.

*Quill*My Overall Impression: It started out interesting laying out the need and the motivation. As it progressed I got the impression this might be a political statement also. It was lost on me as there was no follow-up.

*Quill*What Needs Work: You talk a the beginning describing the setting then in the next paragraph you start with NEXT...NEXT (I assumed, since you didn't say so that the nurse was calling in patients.) then the Dr is twirling in a the chair? What did that have to do with patients coming in?
The next paragraph is a speech. I had to read it twice because I didn't know who was talking and to whom? I guess this was the patient to the Dr. but where did he get the drugs?
What did preparing the Dental chair have to do with anything (I thought since the man was being examined he would already be in the chair. Mine does.)
You list the costs and I understand the man's concern for his fellow countryman and who can pay and who cannot. You then changed to a different topic. There was no conclusion to that thought.
Anthony had gone to other dentist, why did he change dentists? If this man was a friend why didn't he go to him before? You mention this fact but don't back it up.
There is a point to the man getting more pain killer, but what is it in reference to? It didn't connect to the previous paragraph or the ones talking about who could afford and who could not. I'm affaid the point was missed. I'm sure it was there, but the ties didn't get tied. It was like tieing the shoelaces of different shoes and saying "There now you're ready for school." What was the point?

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187
187
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

*Quill*Goal of Main Character: Grandma woke and had the desire to get out of bed. While this might seem over simplified I think it is about the undeniable instinct to be up and ready for the going. I have heard this sometimes happens. The story of the man who's found dead with his head on the chair next to him as he was visited by the Lord who sat in the chair. For Grandma, she was facing the end her life on her birthday.

*Quill* Motivation:At first it was just the desire to be mobile. There isn't any real motivation given as to why she wants to get up or where she's going. The thought and determination is shown in a very real way, but not the why.

*Quill* Setting: Natalie, like any child who loves a party, woke early and went into Great Grandma's room to find her up and mobile. This was Grandma's 120th birthday and a big celebration was planned.

*Quill*Conflict:Her age and body were giving up and to get up and mobile was as big a feat as any person rock climbing.

*Quill*Resolution: Grandma achieved the greatest celebration ever imagined but not with her family.

*Quill*My Overall Impression: I loved this story. It was too short but the idea was there and the concept came through in a vivid way. It touched my heart. At the wrong side of sixty, I look at those around me going to that celebration. My parents are standing at the door waiting their turn, so to speak and I see them, not active, but just waiting. Like people in a doctor's office waiting for the nurse to call them in. Just sitting, quietly speaking to one another, laughing at something in the magazine, waiting for the call.

*Quill*What Needs Work: The interaction between Natalie and Grandma. Grandma can't remember her name and suddenly you, the writer TELLS the reader her name. I would love for you to have Grandma subtly get Natalie to tell her own name. How did Natalie know the time? I get the impression she is about four or five and maybe would look at the clock by the bed and say "The big hand is on the one and one and the little hand in pointing to five, that's my age," she giggles. Now we see her conversation is more in line with a five year old.
"Can you tell me how old you are?" She asks.
Those words took me back, to when I was a child and people asked that. They were always so happy, so proud, if you could tell them. Have I made a full circle? Am I a child again?
"You'll be 120!" She exclaims in delight. Here you are missing a step. You need to substitute "she asks" with Natalie asks. Then Grandma thinks about her age? what full circle? this paragraph was a little confusing. The next sentence has Natalie telling grandma how old she was without any introduction. You might say, after grandma thinks about her age, that the pause must have been too long because Natalie bursts out "You'll be 120!" she bounced on her toes with excitment. Grandma knows it isn't the number the little girl is excited about but the empending celebration.
I would love there to be a little more than Then, with a smile upon her lips, she died. Right there infront of Natalie? Thats what you are telling the reader. Don't yo uthink that's a little bizarre and unfeeling? I would rather you have Natalie get her to her chair to rest, send the little girl away to get her parents and grandparents. The have her run back to the room with the group. "See, Grandma went to celebrate with Jesus instead. Its going to be a bigger party than what we're going to have. then you might have the little girl tell her parents. Grandma said we could still have the party because it would be like we were in heaven too. She told me there are no tears in heaven so no one should be crying at her party"


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188
188
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello !
I just finished reading your posting and I would like to offer this review of my humble opinion. I hope that you will find it helpful.

Overall Review: What a hoot! I loved this "article." Having had my day in court a few times I am in total agreement with calling traffic court NaziLand. I must counter by saying some states and counties in the USA have stopped the arbitration and you either pay or go to a judge. They can only reduce your ticket up to 20%. Even if you aren't at fault and can prove it!

Style of writing: I loved the humor and the passion in which this was written. This especially roused my ire about past incidences with the law here in OR. Not with me but with others I have taken to court. I could feel your frustration, the manner in which you felt you could act within the confines of the law and how the outcome would be arranged.
The fact you wrote this as if you were sitting across from me at a coffee shop telling me what happened, put me right into the story.

What I Liked: I love the toungue in cheek humor and the rapier whit that came across the page. Your reference to the fact the Government is trying to "save" us from making mistakes. Its more like they want to take advantage of our mistakes. I find OR is much worse. There are fewer cops and and if you get stopped you are getting a ticket, as you said, "for your own safety."
This would actually be a fight that I could win and that I happened to be in the right on. I was wearing my seat belt at the time of my encounter with one of the Fuhrer's Jack Booted thugs that pulled me over, but I had released my seat belt before the Nazi approached my vehicle. It was after 10:00 pm at night, as I passed the speed trap that the Nazi had been lying in wait behind. As I passed he switched on his lights and proceeded to follow me, but was still several hundred yards behind me. Knowing that it was me that he was after I pulled over well before he actually caught up to me. I have known for some time, my friend was a policeman. Never move a muscle after a cop has signalled you to stop. In this day an age, keep both hands on the wheel and don't reach for anything until you are asked to.
On another note. If you are pulled over, under the law you don't have to give them anything License, proof of insurance or registration unless they are going to ticket you for something. If they are just stopping you they have to tell you why and if you are going to get a ticket why. There is a video on YouTube showing all this being recorded. Now I know!
Your talk at the beginning rings true to most of us. While New York's Governor is downsizing drinks and now making elevators travel slower so people will take the stairs to get to their destination faster (than the elevator will reach their floor) the idiocricy of it is unbeliveable. You bring this to the story in a way that is easy to understand. It touches each of us as non of us are perfect and at sometime our complacencey will get us a ticket and we may choose to go to the judge.

What Needs Work: The only thing I can see that you might do to this article is delete all the extra spaces. When one is reading on a smaller tablet or Kindle it takes more time to read and scroll. Two spaces between paragraphs is all that is needed. Three spaces between sections.



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189
Review of The Messenger  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: It was a good thought. I liked the characters their build up and their dialoge.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? He had no goal, but a "gift" that that gave him the abitity to judge, and sentence any individual he thought acted badly. There was no choice for the person he chose, Instant judgment. Assumed they were sent to the same place he was and came out transformed into something good. It seemed to be their choice as he warned them but it wasn't really a choice. My guess is they were given the choice of instant death or a "lobotomy" of sorts.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Ethan's motivation seems to be exercising his past actions or justifying them for some reason. He has no motivation that I could see. When he meets Margaret he wants her approval. He falls in love with her at the end but there was no real progression to that point from the beginning.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? From my perspective his only conflict was Margarets rebuff of his attempt to be her friend. Repeatedly she pokes at what he does and is angered by his lack of judgment and the fact he can judge at all. At every rebuff he makes a choice, something he doesn't give anyone else he doesn't like. At their actions he sends them flying off to the netherworld, while he gets to make mistakes and has to live with them.

*Pencil* Resolution: Margaret accepts his marriage propsal and I guess they live happy because he has no powers any more.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? Not too much. Ethan, while at the beginning tells us he is a messenger, doesn't even intoduce us to WHO he is by telling us his name. He tells us everything else. Nothing is really shown in the story so we get everything from Ethan's Point Of View.
We get Margaret is a doctor of psychology but there is no description other than she is beautiful.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
First of all I almost closed it and went to someone elses' story. But I was where you are once and I had my work picked apart. I didn't make too many of those first mistakes twice.

Let's start with formatting. In a section below where you put this story (in Edit mode) there are two boxes. One says keep format the other says put a space between paragraphs. Check the one leaving a space. It gives the reader a chance to rest their eyes and if they look away they don't lose their place.

Before you do anything else use MS WORD or something similarand "find" all the "was" and "that." Go to each one and delete it then rephrase the sentence without it.

Next "find' each "I" and try to use half of what you have. For instance.
“No sir,” I replied. I pointed my right hand index finger towards the man. “Sir it is you that should go to Hell.” And as I finished my statement, the man disappeared.
I turned and made my retreat into the crowd. you might say "No, Sir, it is you that should go to Hell." I raised my hand, pointed my index finger at him and he disappeared. Before the people could gather their thoughts I pushed open the front door and began walking toward my home. It wasn't a fast pace, there was no need to run, no one would follow me. They never did.
A voice hailed me from behind, "Sir, May I have a word?" A woman led by a German Shephard guide dog came to my side and stopped."

How many "I" words did you read? In your story every sentence has at least 2 or more. When you revise, rework the actions to eliminate as many "I" words you can.

The next thing to watch for is mixing tenses; -ed and ing. Decide which to use. If you are telling this as it is happening where everything is new use -ing. Only use -ed words when talking about the past. If you are retelling this to the reader then stick to all -ed words and leave the -ing to absolutly necessary portions.

Note: This story needs to be either much longer or very short. I prefer a longer version. When Ethan tells how he came to be there it sounds as if he's an alien and I don't mean an immigrent. None of his explanation made a lot of sense in a real world. It made me ask too many questions that weren't answered. I tried to find meaning in what was happening but all I got was Ethan had to do good works to attain some sort of redemption and his reward was Margaret. Was that what this was all about?




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190
190
Review of Feathers  
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Ken,
I can't officially review this as I have no idea about reviewing poetry. It's subjective to me. I either understand it or don't and most of the time its meaning is lost on me. This however touches me just as Trail Ends did. I understand your thoughts and point. My dad was healed of esophigeal cancer. Who knows why one goes and one stays, only God knows. I love the way you saw yourself at the water, highlighting the good times, magnifying the memories. It was the perfect use of the prompt. The meaning is clear. Thank you for sharing this with me. I wouldn't change a thing!
Tina
191
191
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I didn't dislike the story. It started out rather odd. Since it is narrative, you are telling me the back story which I think doesn't need to be told in this manner. There was nothing to like or dislike.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? With the aim of creating perfection, Talon ended up creating imperfection....Finding the eight foundations of the universe his father had neglected to tell him would be the first step of hopefully ending this forsaken cosmos, and create the paradise his father envisioned. I am assuming this is the goal.Question: If Talon neglected to tell Alex about the 8 foundations, how did Alex come to need to find them and why are is it important?

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? I didn't find a reason WHY Alex was to do this other than The end is coming soon. he thinks. It is time. Destruction is coming. This was the only reference to any possible quest. It also is very vague. 8 foundations must look like an octagon set in space. What disaster will happen if they aren't found. You need to have some imminent danger or the reader will say SO WHAT and close the book.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? None at this point. Alex offers jack a challenge. Jack offers his own conditions which Alex accepts

*Pencil* Resolution: This is the beginning no resolution other than Alex and Jack have come to an agreement

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? No, other than Talon seems to be the God or creator and Alex is his son they are the only deities in the story. Jack pops out of no where and we don't know if he his of the planets or a deity.

*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
First I understand you want to TELL the reader about all the back ground. The reader can be told this when Jack arrives to talk to Alex. I don't know who Jack is or why he was chosen or even what he did that qualified him for the job.
Always start with action either in the prologue or first chapter. I suggest you open with Alex watching Jack arrive. Here you can give who he is and what are his capabilities. I don't know so I will make them up here just to show you.
Alex watched Jack arrive as he stood at the window over looking the entrance to his castle (Or wherehe is, you didn't tell me anything about the setting. Describe the entrance a bit) He'd seen pictures from Jack's dossier but the size and walk of the man were impressive (describe Jack's look his clothes and armor) The sound of the knocker resonated through the foyer. Jonas, his butler, opened the door. Jack's voice was deep and Alex gave a quirk of his lips and a nod in appreciation. He turned to the staircase (describe it) and stopped for a moment out side the room Jonas had assigned jack. (Can Alex read Jack's thought? What are Alex's powers? here is a good time to show the reader part of what he can do.) Here is where you insert the latter part of what you wrote BUT. Here is where Alex tells Jack who he is, what relation he has to the Creator (if he wants Jack to know it. If not the reader shouldn't know it because if the story from here on is from Jack's point of view, the reader should only know what jack knows.
In Grimm the TV show, each episode doesn't tell the watcher the past all at once. We go to the trailer with Nick and find out the problem when they do. Each time more is revealed in the back story and the goal of the "Family" Finally we find out there is a key and Nick has it. Alex shouldn't tell Jack the whole of it. He should only tell Jack what he wants him to do now. When Jack meets the conflict and discovers what he has to do, he needs to contact Alex and say NO I'm not doing it. Alex says only you can and tell him why Jack has the qualifications to do so. Then they make A bargain. Each task Jack must complete he demands more from Alex.
This is just my thoughts since you give no indication what is really going to happen. You tell too much at the beginning. Why does the reader need to know it.
Next I want to make a comment on this Billions upon billions of years have past since Alex has watched his father's children turn their worlds of paradise into world's of sin. He was content with observing them for much of his lifetime, however as the years went by he grew in further distaste of what they had done to his father's vision. With the aim of creating perfection, Talon ended up creating imperfection. Sitting on his lonely throne on his dead planet between time and infinity, he smirks at the disaster he made. The end is coming soon. he thinks. It is time. Destruction is coming. This makes no sense at all. Smirk means he is laughing AT the people as someone who wants to cause destruction and sin. If this is true then what follows is in direct discord with what Talon wants. I think. Since you know the whole of this story and this is just the beginning this is all I can help you with.

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192
Review of Trail's End  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Dear Writer,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: It wasn't fair. I read this at work and tears streamed down my face. I have to stop and wipe my eyes still. This was a wonderful use of the prompt!!! I hope you win! It lead me along and all the movies I've watched and books I've read seemed to come from their cubby holes and stand beside me as I read each paragraph. Their remembered emotion touched my heart with each word and progress.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? josh is just making it through one day at a time on his horse farm. His weary body and burden is somehow renewed as he walks through the barn. When he gets to Goliath (GoGo) there is a sadness and love that comes through the horse to him.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Emily, Josh and Kate's daughter has cancer. All they want is for her to get better and stronger. Hoping someday she will be up on the back of GoGo.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? I am amazed at the care you took to gradually introduce emotion, love and care into Emily's room. Her fight against cancer is spoken in a way that those of us who have dealt with it know that emotion.

*Pencil* Resolution: The memories and love come through at the end. The picture painted as Emily is once again on GoGo's back just as she was when she first fell in love with him had me a bubbling mess. I love a good cry and you just tore it right out. It felt so good.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? You have a way of picking the characters out of the page and making them live. I love the movie Dreamer and I could see luis Guizeman opening the door to speak to Josh. His Spanish and translation was smooth. You portrayed Josh and Kate with love and with the same vulnerability that all parents have at this time.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
I can't find anything wrong with it.
I do have one note. The reaction to her asking for cold water seemed over kill. As a parent, I might just take it on face value. But Josh's reaction is overboard for her to just ask for cold water. You need to show the process a little more. Josh might step over to Emily when she asks for water. When he looks down and notices the sheen of perspiration (men sweat, women perspire. Just a note) and as he touches her forehead he forces his rising panic to call in a choked voice "Kate can you bring ICE WATER in here for Em?" There is a silence then the banging of a cupboard door and the rattle of ice in the freezer. He could hear a number of cubes drop on the floor and a soft curse (or whatever) and the water pitcher thump on the counter. Hurried steps down the hall as she entered the room and stood beside him. He guided the straw to Em's lips while Kate's fingers dug into his arm. He didn't have to look to know her thoughts.
Just a suggestion.



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193
193
Review of Clay-Lumps  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

{{e:pencil} What I liked about the story: I could tell right away this was a remake of the Potter and the clay. What I loved about this story is the time you took to make it realistic to a point and easily understood. Even thought I knew what was going to happen, in a way, you brought the story new life.
I especially like Gilter-imps process to the tablet size.
Earthgum gathered his pieces up and started to crawl beside the little stream. As the sun climbed higher in to the sky, he continued to trudge along the stream till he came to a group of excellently made vessels filling themselves at the waterfall that fed the stream. He turned to leave and hide himself from these successful clay-lumps, but they had already spotted him. I especially loved this paragraph.


*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? There are two main characters Earthygum and Gilter-imp. each want to become something useful and beautiful. There was a process each had to go through to get that point.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? The desire to be a useful pottery, loved and used by the person who bought them.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?Each needed to be broken before they they could be remade. Earthgum chose to obtain this process through someone who had little care about the outcome. The flashy sign gained his attention but it was all for nothing. He ended as pieces in a pot hole until he was found and brought to the (Master) Potter.

*Pencil* Resolution: Gilteriimp shows Earthgum the way to become something beautiful.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? Not so much the characters but their actions show the need to give up self and pride to become what the Master can make.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
The story flows okay but at times it is stiff. The transitions aren't smooth.
I suggest you name the first potter something else such as Big-Name Potter, Or Pompous Potter, or The Wiz Potter. We would get the point by the end of the last section.
I'm not sure if you used a spell check or if there is a language barrier. Some of the sentences are arranged oddly to me and words are not finished.
I questioned that you didn't give the lumps anything more than a feeling of comfort and discomfort. They did little to resist but the fact they came in to the shops indicated they must know something about the process. That could be made a bit clearer. Possibly have them checking out the potters before they go in. Earthlump would be looking at the large, brightly colored and glittering pots. The elaborate display and the flashing lights. He might see people coming in a buying the pots. He is enticed to go in only to find the process is everyone must fit and look the same. You must accept the mould and want to fit that look. When he tried to fit and didn't he was tossed aside. He might go by the front of the shop and the other pots laugh at him through the window. He felt worthless and useless. He found a pot hole and sat in it for awhile.




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194
194
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Again, I wish I had a very long detailed review, but there isn't anything about the story I would change. I suggest you re-format the page and take out the added spaces between the paragraphs and move them closer together for easier reading.

This was a wonderful heartfelt story about the real meaning of giving and receiving. There isn't anything that needs fixing in the story portion.
Great job!!
195
195
Review of The Protest  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: Not what I was expecting. I thought from your description I would be getting a discussion on politics. I was disappointed there for a moment. I kept reading because you asked or an honest opinion about your writing. I can't say I liked the story, but I didn't hate it either See the comments below.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Two women walking in a downtown area. Later we are told its Manhattan. You start out by saying the two of us had been walking for a long time when we finally reached downtown How long was the walk? In five inch heels? We don't find out they are going to work until later.
There isn't a defined goal in this story. What are you trying to tell us? I didn't get it. Was it Allison's political view? So WHAT? This isn't sarcastic its meant to ask you to tell me why that is important? Give me a reason to care what she believes. How did it impact the goal of the two going to work?

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? This too was not revealing. We know at the end they were going to work, but the views of the protesters weren't told nor was there any reason for their mention.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?The only conflict in the story is the protesters slowed the women from reaching work. One of the protesters accidentally scratched Lu and Allison showed her true self-absorbed trait.

*Pencil* Resolution: They reached the office building and blood dripped on to Lu's skirt. Again I ask you So What? She had no tissue? she couldn't hold her hand over a scratch to keep it from bleeding? Were you trying to make some point? I didn't get it.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? I'm sure you mean well, but my vision of these two women are totally conflicted. You describe Allison aseven though she was only a young assistant in the industry. She had the face of someone who would get somewhere—a star of the business world. then you call them barbies out out of place amoung the protesters. Allison had definite views. She seems to understand what she believes, but her speech confusing. One time she is articulate Paragraph #7 then in Paragraph 4 she sounds as if she's trying to joke and it fell flat. Not sure what she was talking about.
Allison is portrayed as a air- head (clothing, self absorbed, and attitude) Lu has no description except she is a barbie styled person and wearing five inch heels. Reads tweets and repeats what she hears.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
First I think you need to write down what the purpose of this story is.
You might start writing this with the Point of View of Lu but tell/show us who and what these girls are.
"Allison, why did we pick a restaurant so far from work? I should have worn track shoes not my stilettos." Lu groused as she and her coworker made the return trip to their office. Manhattan was crowded as usual and she kept close to Allison in the crowd.
Ahead we could see signs popping up and down above the heads of the other Manhattanites returning to work from lunch.
"What are they protesting now?" Allison stretched on her toes, higher than her heels allowed. She wouldn't put her hand on her hip unless she was stopped and "posing" The rest isn't necessary to the story here.
Once she voices her opinion, you can mention that its caused some heated discussion in the office. Afterward Allison seemed unaware of the cool distance she received from some of her coworkers. Her Barbie doll looks and dress kept her job secure. She was smart besides looking pretty, she just didn't always know when to keep politics out of the conversation.
After they cruise through the prostestors give some reason for the story. They are prostesting the war. She doesn't agree. Maybe one of them tries to engage her and she gives them her spiel Paragraph 7. Lu has to pull her away before it gets too heated. Others crowd around and Lu has to push her way. Is this going to end in a fight? Will she have to use her heel to ward off the attackers? Finally they reach the edge of the group and Lu is hit by a swinging poster. Allison is on a loud tirade about cluttering the streets with stupid and uneducated people. She calms a little when she see's Lu's wound. If its bad enough to be dripping, I'm sure Lu would be heading into their building and to the nearest restroom. Here you might have to state to Allison her own opinion of the war, whatever it is. Does it have some personal relationship to her? So if the blood drips it triggers a memory or reinforces her ideal?
Where is the good story for the office? nothing happened. Lu got scratched by a protester's sign. Where is the story there?
I think you have a great frame for a good story, but you need to fill in the political side, make some conflict and a resolution. Don't give up. Make changes and repost.
I am picturing Allison as Sandra Bullock in 2 1/2 weeks. Smart cute not affraid to state her views.



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196
196
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

*Pencil* What I liked about the poem: I normally don't read poems. I don't understand what they are trying to say most of the time. I got one for a review and I wasn't sure if they liked my story or not. Your title caught my eye and drew me in. As I began to read I couldn't stop. The rhyme was easy and with lilt. I understood what you were trying to say and it gave me a smile all the way through. Great job!

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? We are treated to the actions of a King with his whistle.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? This king seems to like the control of the whistle over bellowing or ringing a bell. A bell is hard to carry around, I'm sure, and one's voice might be lost with the constant bellowing. Using the whistle, the king gets action, attention and immediate response. Whether it be him as a king or the fact once they arrive the shrill sound ceases.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?There doesn't seem to be any. The king has full command of the whistle and uses it often. No clnflict or reiticence is given from his subjects.

*Pencil* Resolution: When the King retires for the night, all is quiet. The silence makes the household subjects happy. The king's snoring might be another unwelcome sound, but the Queen must deal with it.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? Not really. We know the king and his duties. They aren't unfamiliar to us and the fact that he is the one being that commands all obedience, he can do anything he likes.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: When he wants his Queen it's one blow from his lips, so she regally enters, the King taunts her with quips! This was the only line that gave me pause. It didn't seem to fit. It was as if you had plucked a word that might fit and rhyme but it was meaninginless. Rather it seemed to silly for this king. He has done things with his whistle that most Kings would find exactly what a King would do. But to call the Queen in just to tease or demean her with words; that doesn't sound like something this king would do.



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197
197
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear KeiKei

*Quill*Goal of Main Character: Zaharra is Asa's daughter. She is beautiful and desperate for friendship. When Ishmael, her cousin, arrives she is elated that at last she has a friend. What she thought as innocent signs of friendship, were received by Ishmael as signs of seduction. His rape of Zaharra has placed a barrier between them and Zharra is afraid of her present and her future. A goal isn't given. The reader doesn't know what the story is going to be about. This is the set up, but there isn't a foreshadowing of what's to come.

*Quill* Motivation: Right now there isn't a goal so I don't know what motivates her. She is god fearing, obedient to her elders and the men in the family. Curiosity is her downfall as she climbs the tree to see the execution she was warned by her father to stay away from.

*Quill* Setting: The characters and setting are Biblical. I will have to look again in the Bible or my book Josephus to see who Zaharra was as the name sounds familiar. I know Ishmael. I wonder where his mother is at this time. I thought they both left to go to her family.

*Quill*Conflict: We have the rape of a very young girl at the hands of her cousin. This familial action is familiar as it probably happened many times. If Zaharra had a mother, she probably would have told her there wasn't anything she could do about it and would help her to be less obvious with her looks and downplay them. There were ways women faked the virginity when they finally married. Men were not punished for these types of actions, they were always the women's fault.

*Quill*Resolution:This isn't the end of the story.

*Quill*My Overall Impression: I was intrigued as soon as I recognized the names of the characters. You have a great way of hooking the reader to want more. Your descriptions of the setting are slipped in to establish place. This first chapter sets up the characters and interaction. The question of t was the only explanation of why she did strange things and strange things happened to her. This left me wondering if the story was going somewhere that was out of place in this setting.


*Quill*What Needs Work: I don't have anything that is wrong. I will just tell you the questions that this story brought to my mind. The above red excerpt had me wondering. Also since she doesn't seem to have a mother and not explanation is given why (you might insert that in this chapter while she is gardening) how would she have known what her body was made for? She was only twelve and knew what a woman's body could be used for. No longer chaste, she wondered who would possibly want to marry her when the time came? She was after all, damaged goods. I would think the rape would be so much of a shock that the idea of what he did was so foreign to her that she would have no idea why or the purpose of it. At twelve, would she have been aware of the procreation of animals? It seem her father is over protective and she would have wondered if Ishmael's actions were wrong. He would have given her some story about how she was to please him as was her duty as his family. This was something her father would expect of her but since she had no mother to instruct her, he was going to have to show her how this was done. Your assumption of her knowledge seems out of place. While she innately feels bad (God given instinct) she wonders if Ishmael is right? Who can she ask if her father is supposed to know but it assumed she already knows. Confusing to Zaharra. Maybe something she sees or hears when the woman is stoned leads her to wonder if Ishmael is lying. If the woman is stoned for this action, then where does she stand? If someone finds out are they stoned? is it wrong or part of their culture?
These are just things that seemed out of place with the culture and Zaharra's lack of a mother to teach her. This leaves how she knew things questionable.

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Review of It's Just a Story  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Lambkeeper,

*Quill*Goal of Main Character: A respectful daughter wants to recite a tribute to her mother of over 80 years. As a writer of some note in the family she was asked to write a tribute on this momentous occasion. She penned the words she felt were appropriate to the situation and hoped her mother and others would feel the respect and love she conveyed.

*Quill* Motivation:It was Mother's Day and several of the 9 siblings had gathered for a potluck. The writer wanted to show her love and understanding of the sacrifices her mother had given for the family.

*Quill* Setting: The family was at the mother's house. She played one of her favorite songs on a CD but the song had no meaning for the children and they talked right through it so the mother turned it off. The writer felt bad as the rest of the kids didn't "get it" that is was something special to the mom.

*Quill*Conflict: As the writer begins her story about her mother, Mom interrupted, correcting bits a pieces here and there, about every other sentence. The daughter began the next parts of the story only to be interrupted again with more corrections and direction. It seemed Mother was intent on correcting the facts and not going with the flow of the story. The tender moments the writer of the tribute thought would happen were ripped apart with derision.

*Quill*Resolution: I guess she just stopped reading. The mother was concerned that the facts be right and non of it was going to be published in the paper.

*Quill*My Overall Impression: In dealing with the over 80 crowd I understand that one must consult the person and get the facts as they remember them straight. I felt a kin for the woman reading the story. It was told with humor and probably very accurate recounting of the mother's corrections. I laughed as I read it. I have written things for my mom that she corrects me on. I too felt bad after she wrote a story that interested her and I I picked it apart. Constructively of course, but I don't think she's going to be writing anything soon.

*Quill*What Needs Work:

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Review of Home Front  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Zoe

*Quill*Goal of Main Character: Melissa doesn't have a goal in this story. Although she would like to see her mother leave her stepfather, she loves her mother too much to go against her and make her own claims against Brian.

*Quill* Motivation: Her mother is being abused by Brian the stepfather. Each times he gives the trite answer that he wants to get better and if she will help him he will. Melissa sees this reoccuring event and still does nothing as she can't convience her mother to change. She has no thoughts of her own on the subject but thinks about her mother and worries about her.

*Quill* Setting:A town/city anywhere in the world. Melissa's home where the events take place, a club she and her girlfriend frequent and an someplace close to the Club.

*Quill*Conflict:First we see that Melissa is concerned and afraid of Brian and his actions toward her mother. I am surprised there are no actions toward herself. That seemed odd to me that he only abused the mother and didn't have anything contact with Melissa. Melissa then sees a woman who looks to have been abused also, in a street. They talk and Melissa goes back to the club.

*Quill*Resolution: The only resolution is the woman seems to have made the break but there is no solution for the mother.

*Quill*My Overall Impression: This sounds like a couple of stories put together and based on a situation that is familiar with the writer. While I am in sympathy with the story it is oft told and redundant. It really wasn't a story but more a telling of a couple of events. There was not middle or end that followed a fomat. Life is messy doesn't always follow a storyline.

*Quill*What Needs Work: I understand what you are trying to say but reality and fiction sometimes cannot mix. If you watch reality shows they are EDITED because life can be boring and you have only 1 hr to capture a person's attention.
My suggestion is you need to decide if this is a story about a woman and her family and how they gain freedom of abuse; a tale of just incidents, (leave as is) or Make this as story about a young girl who has delt with abuse in her own home and is determined to have a different life.
This can be hard if you are close to your story, you want it to be as true as possible. You need to tell what happened to Brian. Did she follow through this time and get rid of him forever? (If so good and tell the difference it made.) You don't need the woman's story. Its too distracting. Make another story from her situation.
The other thing that bothered me is Melissa's mother's change at the end. I've known too many abused women in my life and there are two kinds. 1) they fight back turn the guy in after the first few times and walk away a better woman. 2) repeat offenders (Melissa's mom) who give excuses because they lack self esteem and really only care about themselves or they would walk away. Fear of failure, fear of not being able provide for the children is a big cause of this.
You need to decide why you are writing this. If its just catharsism then you did it and now delete it. OR turn the emotion on and rewrite it.

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Review of The Car  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear DW

*Quill*Goal of Main Character: Rico and Eddie are cousins. They have nothing better to do than to get into trouble. You have a great set up to what they are wearing and their body type. You leave the reader to fill in their enthenicity. It can't be decerned from their speech, but they aren't talking ebonics or thowing in any Spanish. I assume they are poor white trash. Eddie is the cautious one. Rico is a hustler and wants the easy score that he sees sitting in a public park. It is late at night and Eddie smells a set up.

*Quill* Motivation:Rico sees BMW 5 Series Grand Turismo as a car he can chop or sell for money. Since no immediate goal is given. The reader may assume the money he gets will be for drugs. The two want money, but what does one do with the money they get? There is no motivation given. Rico could entice Eddie with "Man, the money that car will bring in the chop shop will get us both new iphones and an Xbox. There will be enough to get some of those good games and not the funky ones you've been playin' over and over." Now we see that they don't have very high goals. They want immediate satisfaction. It could be Rico wants to buy some bling. He might want to show off by buying a woman he is interested in some bling to entice her away from another man. Just a thought.

*Quill* Setting: A park in some place. There is no reference to where they will go to hide. Will they be found easily? In a big city one can hide and it may take a long time to be located even for questioning. In smaller cities the cops know most of the criminals. You might reference places or distance or gangs. This gives the reader some idea of where this is all taking place. You center in on the park, but there is a bigger picture and the reader needs to be aware of the same choices the men can make. Eddie could say something about how they are going to get rid of the car. How far to the chop shop. Ditch it in an abandoned warehouse not far. Sometimes its better to hide close by so no one notices you being gone, cuz that's the first question the cops ask, "Who's missing in this picture?"

*Quill*Conflict: Its dark and in a park. Eddie and Rico discuss the issue. Eddie feels its a set up. Rico is blind to the facts and sees only the car and what it represents (the reader doesn't know what that is) He is determined to steal it. Eddie throws Momma Rosa and the consequence of having her bail him out of jail. It gives Rico a pause for a moment, but the lure of the car is greater.

*Quill*Resolution: This isn't the end of the story.

*Quill*My Overall Impression: I was intrigued with what was going to happen. You set this up just drawing the reader to continue reading to find out what was going to happen. The reader knows Rico is going to go for the car. Part of me wanted Eddie to talk him out of it and the other part knows there is a train wreck going to happen and you close one eye against how bad its going to be. However, you didn't tell the reader what Rico saw. That is a killer! I sighed and scrolled to find it was the end of the chapter! there was no more. What made Rico run? Was there a body? Were Zombies on his tail? I hope you post the next part! I'm filling in my own ideas of what he saw and what happened. Great HOOK!

*Quill*What Needs Work: I think I outlined above some of the things that need to be added or addressed. I don't seen anything I need to add other than that.

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