Remember when ill,<-(?) and mom stayed by your side
This brings back memories of a simpilar time when I was a child. How the times have changed. This poem helps the reader go back into time, you accomplished your goal. Great read
This is a great poem. It is so filled with emotion and fear. Women are abused each day and you portray what one feels when it happens. Great job. Above is only a few things I found grammer wise, but this is so great, I was able to get passed them, but you may want to look.
This is a great poem. It is so true for the writter who feels the only way to express in such a hateful world is in their own writting? I feel that way, because it is so easily to be misunderstood.
Good job with this.
This was wonderful, the kind of poem I love to read. Women can be cruel even though they have the ability to help us see our inner self. TYou brought this out so wonderful. Kudo's
I held his hand and he could talk (at times) sometimes. (I was torn as I watched my father cry because he was so thirsty, but he couldn't have water. Grief stricken as I watched the man who always held everything together, I could no longer take it. I dashed from the room and sobbed in front of strangers they watched old sitcoms.
Okay I typed a few ideas you can work with. This has a wonderful theme and I feel so deeply for the loss. So you have a great concept. You do need to edit, you have grammer errors which I pointed out a few, and you are jumping from past to present tence. Now at the end that is okay to be in the present because yo are going off of what is now happening, but the past should remain within that writting.
This is a great story. With a little clean up and structure, you will have a great story.
Good luck
Dawn
I told him I loved him, and he barely audibly told me the same. We went home.
I like the way you started this story, it shows the true inocence of this boy. He is torn from his normal life. His dog has changed because she had pups and is no longer fun, now his mother is about to have a baby sister-will he get forgotten there? I like the way you keep that question in the readers mind. It makes you want to read on to see what is happening with billy.
(He wanted a new Jack-in-the-box. It wasn’t fair that the baby got one and he didn’t.)
This is perfect. What child does not feel that anger when someone else gets what they want, and the worst by their own parents.
Then bringing the change with the grandmother was perfect. This flowed all so well and easy to read.
One suggestion.. Only my opinion. Andy.. How old is he? I ask because he seems to speak with an adults voice, not another child. How old is he? This is such wonderfully written story, that was the only thing that just cought me as being odd. He was playing with playdo.. Tells me he is about 10 maybe eleven the most, but he talked like a 30 year-old. Other than that. This was perfect. I loved this story so much and I felt for Billy.
Wow few words to say such a powerful story.
It took their daughter (only) four years to find it.
I added a word above I think it would make this so much more impacting. See what you think, and have a look at my poems if you want too, I write in the same style.
This is very well written and flows very nice. Each stanza rimes very nicly. I like the way you take innocence away, but install fear within just a few lines. Great job...
Dawn
Jack stood up with his back still facing the room and blinked a few times as if (reorienting)= I found this word confusing and many readers do not understand big words like this, I would suggest simplifying the meaning--Of course it is just my opinion, but it would not lead to distraction) himself to his new surroundings.
raising a similarly (blonde) would read better without the word blonde again, you have it when discribing his hair-prevent redundant use of words) eyebrow in silent question.
Other than these few little things this reads great and you have a great story started. Your description is amazing and I love your style of writing, just a little clean up and you will have a great start here. Good luck
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