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226
226
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hi, Ricky, let me first say that your enthusiasm (and bravery) is impressive, and should be commended. You've taken on a huge task that would be challenging in the hands of a polished, experienced novelist, let alone someone like yourself, who shows great promise, but has much work to do. I zeroed in on you as I was perusing some of the pieces by other writers, mainly because I like to encourage people who display your kind of passion for both the subject matter, and a desire to write about it. That's the good news. That if you can sustain that passion, it will carry you through to the end, whatever that may mean in your case.

Although the story is somewhat too difficult to read at this point, with too much going on, all at once, coming from every direction, I liked the idea that it's all there, all the basic pieces are in place; it's just that I felt like one of the soldiers who was fighting to understand everything, rather than a reader who was rooting for the heroes. So here's the real news, that I think you need to hear: Join a writers critique group. Beg, borrow, steal, do whatever you have to, but join a critique group. There are too many separate and individual problems with the structure and construction, grammar and punctuation of the writing, to be addressed in this forum. I joined a critique group when I was starting out, and my eyes were opened, big time. I shared your passion, and all the same technical problems. It took me a few years to learn the craft of storytelling, and as I look back, I could never have done it without the help of some fellow writers in an intimate setting.

That said, it bears repeating that if you do your homework, your writing could be riveting. You have the ability to visualize and the passion necessary. If this were a video game, the basic programming of a great idea still needs to be written. Good luck and let me know if this was helpful.
Bob

227
227
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Lynda, two quick points: first is that I couldn't help but wonder if you were alluding to the fairly well know Buddhist saying (I think it's Buddhist) about the person who wondered if they were a human dreaming of being a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming it was a human. The first line certainly took me there, and I was almost disappointed that you didn't take us any further in that direction. I suspect the connection was inadvertent on your part. The first paragraph might be broken up into two smaller ones, also, so that the overall look of the piece is more uniform. Undue emphasis is placed on the first paragraph, I think, by making it stand out. That said, and secondly, you totally captured the joyous, short-lived life of a butterfly. The words and descriptions flit about like the beats of its wings, and are full of the celebration and wonder of a being who is happy just to be alive. If a newborn baby could articulate its impressions of the world, I'd expect the tone to be very similar to what your charming (and innocent) "character" conveys. So nice work. This would also make a lovely poem, if written as free verse. Just a suggestion, but it would be even more wonderful, I think.
228
228
Review of Mundane Moments  
Rated: E | (3.0)
bees, what are we going to do with you? This will be my last review unless you are a glutton for punishment as they say *Smile* Okay, so here's the problem: I've read several of your pieces, now, both poems and prose. I have to ask you if English is your first language? It makes a big difference in my approach, which you may not be interested in, in any event. I'm currently working with a Lithuanian who speaks excellent English, until it comes to writing it. If English is your primary language, then you have some work to do -- if you want to change what are now barely readable works, into well written prose and poetry both. This isn't to say your stuff isn't good; it's just "rough". And you'd be amazed at how good it could be, if and when the bumps were smoothed out.

As is so often the case, you write with your heart, with your soul (and do it really well), but not so much with your brain, which hurts your writing when that part is not done so well. I'm referring to things like structure, grammar, spelling, and punctuation. I know, BORING! *Smile* Which it is until you get it down, then it's fairly easy and natural.

It's difficult to review and rate writers such as you, because your spirit is strong, you have a lot to say, and the last thing people like me want to do is dampen or discourage your energy. Maybe redirect it, and encourage you as strongly as possible, to force yourself to learn more of the basics.

Readers want to know what you're saying. YOU want us to know what you're saying, and that is only possible when the basics I refer to, are practiced and applied. The good news is that it need not be perfect. Getting close is sometimes all you need to do, but even then, it still needs to be pretty close. And right now, while your writing is in the ball park, as they say, your team is not on the playing field as yet. As I said, before, if you ask questions, I will answer them. If not, that's okay too, of course.

And as you let your heart guide you, as it should, do give some thought to all that boring stuff I talked about; you'll be thrilled that you did -- when you do.
Thanks for letting me ramble on.
Timtu (aka Bob)
229
229
Review of On My Own  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Kahriyya,
I have a character in one of my novels whose name is Jadu, I kid you not. And you might be 13, but you're no kid. But you knew that already, didn't you? I suspect the answer is yes. Your poem deserves 4 stars, but I gave it 3, for two reasons. Reason one: You're too smart and wise for 13, I'm envious that I wasn't smart or wise until about 3 years ago, so I'm being immature and taking back one star just because *Smile* Okay, that's not the real reason, but you knew that already, didn't you. Of course you did. Here's my concern: I don't think this poem needs to rhyme. My feeling is that because you want to make certain words go with other words -- and rhyme -- that you're not able, perhaps, to use other, maybe better words instead. My suggestion is to dump the rhyme; you don't need it, and the poem would be stronger and more powerful as "free verse". Rhymes that look, feel, or sound "forced" -- and some of yours do -- can work against an otherwise great poem. Just my opinion, but see what happens to this when you use the absolute best possible words, and not just those that rhyme. Let me know if you give it a try and like the results. Then again, you probably have about 80-90 more years to smooth out the rough edges, so not to worry *Smile*
Otherwise, very nice. Friendships are a big deal, but you knew that already.
Timtu
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