|Hi, Kaz, since you requested a review, I feel better being straight with you. And you need someone to be honest and very straight with you about your writing. Kaz, if you drive a car on the road, or even while out walking around, there are rules that have to be followed. There just are. You can't drive around in any manner you want, and if you do, you'll get into trouble fast. Writing has its own rules, and the bad news is that I think you broke every one of them. But that doesn't mean your story's no good, only that it needs lots of work.
Writing is a skill like any other, and we need to understand that while we're free to use our imaginations, we are not free to write in a style or manner that we just make up or invent on our own. Where we design our own rules of grammar and punctuation that no one else will understand except for you. You have a lot to say, and apparently a driving passion to do so, and here's the good news: what you do have is an excellent rough draft of your first chapter. All the characters are there, the scenes are there, so that's not the problem. Without going into a whole big spiel about grammar and punctuation, it's your dialogue that is most lacking -- or wanting -- as reviewers like to say.
Dialogue has its own rules, and they are very strict. And for good reason. If we just invent our own language, and slang at that, how is anybody -- who doesn't speak that language or use that kind of slang -- going to know what the heck the author's characters are talking about? Answer is they won't. If I try real hard, and take lots of time, I can eventually decipher most of the slang lingo that you used. Reading is supposed to be fun, however, and not require that the reader waste lots of time trying to figure out what certain characters are saying. So that's a big deal, right to start.
So what are the rules of dialogue, and how is slang written properly? I'm glad you asked. The answer can be found in grammar books, but the best place is to look and see how other author's (famous ones) write their dialogue. And especially how they write slang or "broken" English of a given character. Some grammarians don't like slang at all, and after a character establishes early on that he or she speaks a certain way, then their speech is changed to sound more normal. I don't like that method myself, and instead use characters who might speak strangely, but always understandably.
As for grammar and punctuation, the dreaded G&P those rules require either grammar books or joining a writers critique group, which would be my best advice to you. Suffice it to say, for the purposes of this review, that every single period, dot, and comma have an exact purpose and reason for being. And a rule that governs when they should and should not be used. These rules can sometimes be broken, but not until their learned.
“Are... ye... go... in... ta... 'end... me... away?” He asked between sobs. This is only one of your lines that I pasted here. Where did you learn that this form was okay to do? It just isn't. I love your enthusiasm, but it just isn't acceptable. Here's an example, but not the only one, of how this ought to be written: Between sobs, he asked, "Are ya goin'...to end me -- anyway?" There's about three or more ways to write this depending on the exact meaning, but this is one that's correct. This kind of dialogue requires a real knowledge of how to use what are called ellipses and dashes. Let alone commas and the like.
Lastly I'd like to share another tip: when a character's dialogue involves them crying or whispering or whatever, let the reader know beforehand, which is why I redid your sentence the way I did. Anyway, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you know what? It's what I heard way back when, about my own writing, and they weren't nearly as polite as I
Good luck and let me know if this was helpful.