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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tinker1111
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960 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
for entry ""NO VISITORS ALLOWED"
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with Oriental Poetry Contest Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Wow Dave, How tragic this one is. "as human dignity is buried here today." but is it human dignity or humanity itself that is buried? This is a thinker made very real by your concrete imagery.

First Impression: The title is a grabber even though the timing has the reader knowing where it is going. Someday hopefully it won't be as obvious but still a grabber.

Form: The simple frame of the Yama, 6 syllable lines in units of 4 with rhyme xaxa xbxb etc was no problem for you and you couldn't have captured the theme more powerfully.

The imagery couldn't be more tactile "beep. . . beep . . . beep". You probably could have shown "social contact" a little more concretely with the "warm human touch" or something. Just thinking out loud. Use what is helpful ignore the rest.

This poem is impactful in this timely submission. Thanks for sharing it here in the Oriental Poetry Contest.

~~Tink



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2
2
Review of What We Never Had  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with Oriental Poetry Contest Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Ben, Oh my, even though I was expecting a poem of loss by virtue of the form, I was saddened and surprised at the end of your poem. I'm taking a closer look for the Oriental Poetry Contest.

First Impression: I don't know why the title didn't tip me off, but as I began reading the poem my thoughts went to a sweet love poem, a positive Covid 19 experience. It was enchanting.

Form: The simple frame of the Yama, 6 syllable lines, 4 in a unit (quatrain), with rhyme xaxa xbxb etc was a piece of cake for you. At first I thought you missed the theme but of course, not so.

Words: I liked some of your unusual rhyme and the even flow of your lines. Maybe you should take a closer look at your comma placement. There are a couple of places a comma might help the reader. It's your poem, use what is helpful, ignore the rest.

I love the twist of this tale, though sad, it gave the piece a unique flavor.

Thanks for entering the Oriental Poetry Contest, it was a pleasure reading your poem.

~~Tink



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3
3
Review of The Yama  
for entry "Being Old (Yama #1)
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with Oriental Poetry Contest Bank  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Rhychus, Loved the expansion you exercised in mourning your perceived loss of the ability to write. I don't think you have any reason for mourning there, you haven't lost a thing. But never assume the poet is the narrator who makes a good case and the sadness weeps through. I'm reviewing your Being Old to take a closer look.

First impression: Knowing the theme of the Yama and reading your title, my first thought was that this poem was going to be about mortality and preparing for the loss of life. I so related to the first 2 lines. Yes where did the time go?

Form: The Yama is a simple frame, 6 syllable lines, in units of 4 (quatrains), rhyme xaxa xbxb etc. A poem of loss. You obviously had no problem capturing the spirit of this form.

Technical observation: Overuse of commas chops up the sound creating longer pauses than necessary or fluid. If this were mine, I would take out all punctuation then read aloud and only put punctuation back in where necessary to make sense of the lines. Example, the 1st and 3rd lines of the poem should not have commas at the end and they make the poem choppy. If you were to write out your 2nd stanza in a sentence would you put commas at the end of sarong and of? Of course, this is your poem, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

Oh and I can so relate to "age steals vitality / from my senior season". Age sure has slowed me down. I loved your ending.

Thanks for entering the Oriental Poetry contest, it is a pleasure to read your work.

~~Tink









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4
4
for entry "The Yama - Mother
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with Oriental Poetry Contest Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Neva, Your "Mother" is a beautiful tribute to a beautiful woman. How does one review a poem like this? It is impossible to struggle through the sacredness of such a piece.

Your first line put a lump in my throat. I know you lost your mother in the last few years and clearly the loss is still fresh. The woman you describe must have been quite a blessing in your life. Your love and appreciation for her flow like tears through the poem.

The Yama seems the perfect frame for your sharing. Your images are fluid, your rhyme choices unique. The poem is well crafted though I expect nothing less of your work. But more than craftsmanship, this poem carries your heart.

Thank you for sharing it here at the Oriental Poetry Contest, as ever I am honored to read your work.

~~Tink


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5
5
Review of Seek His Light  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with Oriental Poetry Contest Bank  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Kit, Thank you for submitting your Seek His Like to Round 70 of the Oriental Poetry Contest. I am taking a closer look to help me pick the winners. Though I think you all are winners by just writing and sharing your work.

First Impression: The title announces spiritual content which will either draw or chase away, no middle ground. The first line has a real truth that is often ignored or not expressed and if the reader got that far they will read on because there is your hook.

The form: The Tanaga is pretty straight forward, a mono-rhymed tetrastich with 7 syllable lines. Some more modern tanagas change up the rhyme a bit but mostly when written in more than one stanza and I suppose alternate rhyme could be used. The intent of the form is to ask a question which your poem kind of misses. It informs, it doesn't question.

I loved the first line, it made me dwell on the 2nd phrase. I need to be reminded of that often. Thank you.

I appreciate your continued support of the contest and enjoyed reading your entry.

~~Tink
6
6
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with Oriental Poetry Contest Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Kåre, Thanks for submitting these two little gems to round 70 at the Oriental Poetry Contest. They both made me smile. I am taking a closer look to make decisions in judging.

The form the Tanaga is pretty straight forward with a frame of a mono-rhymed tetrastich of 7 syllable lines. You had no problem with that. I particularly was impressed with some of your rhyme choices. In such small, simple poems your rhyme choices were unique and interesting. You did, however, sidestep the original intent of the form, to ask a question. No questions asked in either of them.

I especially loved your first tanaga. grrr / myrrh / cur / were Who would ever come up with that? This whole thing made me chuckle. Nice

I appreciate your continued support of the contest and truly enjoyed reading your entries.

~~Tink



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7
7
for entry "Anticipation
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with Oriental Poetry Contest Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Solace, Thank you for entering your Anticipation into the Oriental Poetry Contest. I'm taking a closer look as judge.

First impression: Another timely piece, addressing the topic most pressing on most people's minds.

Form: The frame of the Tanaga is pretty straight forward, a mono-rhymed tetrastich with 7 syllable lines which you stretched into 2 quatrains to give your imagery more depth. You end with a question that certainly fits the intent of the form. Thanks for getting that.

Wise words, your poem reads like a proverb. Nice.

I appreciate your support of the contest and enjoyed reading your entry.

~~Tink


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8
8
Review of Wheel of Fortune  
for entry "May 5, 2020
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with Oriental Poetry Contest Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Ridinghhood, I always enjoy reading your Wheel of Fortune poems. They begin in such a unique place, they are always interesting. Thank you for submitting your May 5, 2020, Tanaga for Round 70. I'm taking a closer use as judge for the contest,

First Impression: This small poem appears to be quick and easy read and I can't imagine passing over it. Your title is very timely and everyone is talking about wearing masks right now therefore very compelling.

The form Tanaga ha a simple frame of a mono-rhymed tetrastich in 7 syllable lines which you mastered with ease. The original intent behind the form was to ask a question and your piece asks one of the ultimate questions so well.

I appreciate your definition of mitzvah which although I thought I knew its meaning you made it more understandable. Thank you.

I appreciate your support of the contest and enjoyed reading your entry.

~~Tink


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
for entry "Tanaga #1 (Kites)
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with Oriental Poetry Contest Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Rhychus, Thank you for entering your "Kites" in the Oriental Poetry Contest. I'm taking a closer look to help me judge.

Overall Impression: The poem appears easy to read and inviting on the page. I have to admit to feeling a little hit over the head with the use of the work "kites" so often. I think your poem would read more smoothly if you found substitutes for some of the "kites".

Form: The Tanaga frame is pretty simple, a mono-rhymed tetrastich with 7 syllable lines. You stretched it into 4 quatrains which gave it more interest. You also captured the intent of the original form by asking questions. Well done.
be
I think I enjoyed the 2nd quatrain most. The first 2 quatrains had a free, almost childlike feel. It was joyful. The last quatrain was fine but didn't add to the joy. You had me flying with the kite and the last quatrain brought me back to earth. I wanted to stay free. *BigSmile*

I appreciate your continued support of the Oriental Poetry Contest and really enjoyed reading your entry.

~~Tink


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with Oriental Poetry Contest Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Neva, Your "Shelter-in-place Blues" made me smile. Thanks for entering the Oriental Poetry contest, I'm taking a closer look as judge.

First Impression: The title and the neat 4 lines would draw me to read, and though you call it the blues, the words are playful. It has a playground sound.

Form: The Tanaga hss a simple frame, a mono-rhymed tetrastich in 7 syllable lines. which you had no problem with. When judging I also look for the intent behind the original form and that was to ask a question, which your poem doesn't include.

I think the playfulness of this poem is what I liked best about it. If felt good to read.

I appreciate your continued support of the Oriental Poetry Contest and enjoyed reading your entry.

~~Tink


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11
11
Review of HOUSE  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with Oriental Poetry Contest Bank  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Monty, Thanks for entering your poem House in the Oriental Poetry Contest. I'm taking a closer look in the process of judging the contest.

First impression: The title probably wouldn't have drawn me in but the appearance on the page is neat and compact and easy reading so as a casual reader I would probably jump in and read. The poem is "short and sweet", a simple piece in which the rhyme dominates.

Form: The Tanaga has a clear frame, a mono-rhymed tetrastich with 7 syllable lines which you dispatched with ease. It does get a little tricky in that its purpose is to ask a question which is missing your small poem.

I liked the sonics of your piece. The domination rhyme sounds are very bold and I like the feminine end rhyme which is a little out of the ordinary.

The verb molder did strike some interest though I think you may have misspelled it.

I really appreciate your support of the forum and enjoyed reading your entry.

~~Tink


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12
12
Review of Sudden Change  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Neva, This isn't really a review but I wanted to comment on your poem Sudden Change. I've been struggling with the prompt quote trying to write my own piece and thought I might get ideas from reading the entries at Bard's Hall. Then I came on your poem. It is so clear, you took the prompt and turned it into a concrete experience. Your talent sometimes awes me.

I'm no closer to write one of my own but at least I had the privilege of reading yours. Thank you.

~~Tink
13
13
Review of Snowed In  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Intuey, I begin my review with a big smile on my face after reading your delightful "Snowed In". Following you at I Write, here I am. My first reaction to opening your entry, "Oh no, I was hoping for a really short poem, instead I get a short story." Haha, well at least a dialog short story is fast, easy reading and yes it was. I don't deliberately search for punctuation, syntax, or spelling errors but will say something if something jumps out at me. No jumping beans. The piece read smoothly without obvious technical error.

I thoroughly loved the banter or should I say echo in this story. It really isn't banter when the language is only understood one way. Luckily I understand "dog" and found the dog in your story very believable.

When my husband is away and I'm alone, I refuse to watch anything scary because I will hear all kinds of sounds I would never hear otherwise. I've always had big dogs that I depended on for alerts until 4 years ago. But have only had a cat now, so won't watch anything remotely scary. I am really not frightened alone unless I've been set up by a movie or tv show. *bitsmile* Thanks for the enjoyable read.

~~Tink


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14
14
for entry "Prose And Dead Men
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Brian, This isn't really a review, but a Congratulations on your win at Shadows with this moving poem. I enjoyed reading this account. You paint portraits of characters we can all relate to. It made me think, next time I go to the Farmer's Market, to pay closer attention to the "who" I encounter. I'm sure there are more Big Johns out there. So many stories to be found.

Nice work, when I see your name, I will pay attention and read.

~~Tink


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
for entry "April evenings (Doha)
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with Oriental Poetry Contest Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Ooooh Enga, What I thought was going to be romance turned very scary. So good! I love this twisted tale. It get better each time I read it.

I’m reviewing your April Evenings as an entrant in the Oriental Poetry Contest. The Doha, with its long lines give plenty of room for detail and you took full advantage. I was so engrossed in your story I had to go back and check whether or not you included the rhyming element.

You mastered the syllable count, the rhyme and through some alliteration. Your last line had me laughing. Ooooh I wouldn’t mess with your love.

Thank you so much for slipping in under the wire with this fascinating piece.

~~Tink



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16
16
for entry "Doha #1
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with Oriental Poetry Contest Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Rhycus, You can use the "indent" icon, the one with arrow aiming right, 15th from the left.

"Only then the real power of the creator's love,
         Will settle for the spirit's perfect restore."
{ indent}Will settle for the spirit's perfect restore."

You mastered the form. Your writing is impeccable.

Ok, that out of the way, Wow, a powerful piece! You have to be careful here though, you begin with supplication, a prayer for forgiveness and at the 3rd stanza you abandon prayer and begin telling your reader what he/she needs to do. The narrator is talking to God until L6. You don't have to tell God to "remember the way to perdition is broad" You've changed the narrator from supplicant to preacher. You could lose your reader at that point. You can still get your point across but the narrator must remember who he is and who he is talking to. I hope what I'm saying makes sense. There is a lot here in this piece but you change perspective midway and this humble supplicant is no longer asking for forgiveness and that is where I disconnected. The power of the piece is in the humility of the penitent and recognition of God's grace rather than explaining to others why.

This is just one person's opinion. I think you have a message and it should be delivered. My comments are meant to help you see your poem through my eyes. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

Thank you for continuing to come back to the Oriental Poetry Contest. As always your work is solid and interesting.

~~Tink


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
for entry "Bathing in Pleasure
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with Oriental Poetry Contest Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Dave, This is a lovely gift for a spring morning. Spring seems to inspire morning songs and the long lines of the Doha provide a fluid frame perfect for the genre. You had no difficulty mastering the form. Of course other than the syllable count for the two phrases, these "rhymed couplets" convert easily to rhymed quatrains, xaxa xbxb.

I loved your use of alliteration at the end.

This line seemed off rhythm a bit, I know you were counting syllables and for a forms contest, staying within the frame is important.

"viewed with pleasure from my perch in back porch rocking chair"

I wonder if you changed it to make it read more smoothingly, something like

viewed with pleasure, perched on my old back porch rocking chair (it smoothes it and emphasizes the alliteration, of course the 1 syllable word "old" that I had to add for count could be anything, new, blue, worn, posh, *Bigsmile*) Sorry, sometimes I just have to tinker. Use what you find helpful, ignore the rest.

My favorite line is the last. Who eats cherry lollipops? Haha, that line takes the whole poem out of the "lovely spring morning poem" to a unique moment of pure delight.

~~Judi



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18
18
Review of Horn Shadows  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello hOOves, I'm returning the favor, here I am to review your Horn Shadows which I thoroughly enjoyed reading until the end, sad. Seeing the Verse Form prompt when reading your poem prompted me to write a englyn unodl union myself and enter Writer's Cramp. I am very partial to the Welsh forms.

Coming to the form, the defining element of the englyn unodl union   is the use of the "gair cyrch", which you sort of got, just not quite. Specifically, the main rhyme of the long line must be followed by caesura, most often a dash. And the end word of the line rhymes with a syllable in the early part of the next line. It is kind of a complicated verse form. We will see how nit picky the judges are when it comes to this form.

The elements of the englyn unodl union are:
         1. stanzaic, written in any number of quatrains.syllabic, made up of 10-6-7-7 syllable lines.
         2. rhymed, mono rhymed, the main rhyme (the dominant rhyme of the stanza) "A" is found somewhere in the last half of L1 (6th, 7th or 8th syllables) and is followed by caesura plus the rest of the 10 syllables and rhymes with the end words of L2 through L4.
         3. composed with an addendum, a "gair cyrch" in L1 (syllables in the last half of a line that follow the main rhyme marked by caesura. The gair cyrch end rhyme is to be echoed or consonated as secondary rhyme in the 1st half of L2. The caesura often appears as a dash.)
         4. written with L2 always ending in an unstressed syllable and either L3 or L4 should also end in an unstressed syllable.

x x x x x x A - x x b (the main rhyme, A can be in either the 6th, 7th, or 8th syllable and must be followed by caesura.)
x b x x x A
x x x x x x A
x x x x x x A

Sorry, I spent a lot of time studying the 24 Welsh Meters, something very dear to my heart. I've seen watered down descriptions of the forms which bother me a bit, but I get it, the forms are difficult to master in English. My entry doesn't have unstressed end words in the first stanza. At least I did it in the 2nd stanza. Here is an old one of mine that shows the gair cyrch in the first line. What follows the main rhyme and caesura, is like an addendum

Two Dollar Bet

Under wide brimmed hat prinked with birds - so hip,
a hot tip is overheard,
favored until afterward,
my pick, far back in the herd.
                    ~~Judi Van Gorder

This touched on one of my passions, please use what you find helpful and ignore the rest. 99.9 % of the people who read your poem will never have heard of the engyln unodl union or the gair cyrch.

Actually, I felt by kind of glossing over the elements of the form your poem is smoother and flows better than if had complied with the rigid restrictions coded in the 12th century.

The fact that you took up the cause of our bovine friends in poetic form warmed my heart. We raised beef when I was first married and I got attached to a couple.


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19
19
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with Oriental Poetry Contest Bank  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Kit, Now this is harsh. I hope it isn't from recent experience. Thank you for entering your Enduring immurement in the Oriental Poetry Contest. I have to say reading this was a little like being mugged.

You certainly mastered the frame of the gogyohka and I believe captured the intent. It is an emotionally charged piece punctuated by an impressive vocabulary the provides the sonics for this catastrophic clash of couples. Reading this out loud is amazing and contributes to the pounding the poem brings the reader. Your words have texture and intricate meaning.

Well crafted, not so feel-good poem.

~~Tink


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
for entry "Cacophony
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with Oriental Poetry Contest Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Dave, Sorry I'm running behind. You'd think I had all the time in the world to get this stuff done but here I am scrambling. I feel a little like your poem. I'm wondering if this has anything to do with the recent tornadoes out your way. What a nightmare, sheltered at home with a tornado bearing down on you. Doesn't sound so sheltered to me. Anyway, I don't know if you are close to that area or not but that is the thought that came to my head when I read your poem.

Yes you mastered the form pefectly in frame and intent. Your imagery evokes emotion. I still have 3 entries left but right now you are ahead of the pack. This poem has power.

Thanks for entering the Oriental poetry contest with this great offering.

~~Tink


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21
21
for entry "Gogyohka #3
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with Oriental Poetry Contest Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Rhychus, Thanks for entering your gogyohka in the Oriental Poetry Contest. This is so cute "He" could be a child, a dog or a cat. I'm leaning toward dog. Whatever, it is a perfect image of how we respond to small loveable entities.

Your small piece masters the frame and intent of the gogyohka and was a pleasure to read.

I especially loved "And tickles under his chin." My Molly loves that. (she is a kitty) but so did Trey (my late, Siberian husky) and I can still hear the giggles of my grandson when he was tiny and I'd tickle him under the chin. This was really good, the reader brings their own experience to the piece.

~~Tink


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22
22
Review of Unfettered  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with Oriental Poetry Contest Bank  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Rinsoxy, This gogyohka, Unfettered, is quite beautiful. I’m taking a closer look to prepare for judging. You capture the essence of this 5 line Japanese form eloquently.

The poem flows fluidly. It has a nice rhythm begun in your first line.

I found no technical error. Japanese forms tend to draw emotion from concrete imagery and L4 is a bit abstract but that was the only weakness I could find and that is simply one person’s opinion. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

Thank you for entering the Oriental Poetry Contest. I really enjoyed reading your entry

~~Tink


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23
23
Review of social distancing  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with Oriental Poetry Contest Bank  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Chris, Haha, entering your own contest, clever. I'm reviewing your "social distancing" preparing to judge the contest. Edits are allowed through the 14th and I return to reread and make a final judgment on the 15th.

The Japanese word gogyohka means 5 lines. The only elemental requirement of this form is that the poem be written in 5 lines. Your poem has 7 lines, 2 lines too many. To be a gogyohka it needs to be trimmed by 2 lines. *Bigsmile* If this poem were mine and I was looking to trim, I would remove L4 and L6 as redundant.

Asian poetry, especially Japanese poetry is concrete, focused and minimal. It doesn't tell the reader how you feel, it shows it. Your poem is a bit abstract.

Your best line, " I am that hugger" Hopefully soon, we will all get some of those hugs you write about because not only is it hard for the hugger not to hug, it is hard on the huggee not to get those hugs.

Thanks for jumping in and supporting the contest with your own poem.

~~Tink


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24
24
for entry "The Spirit of Summer
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with Oriental Poetry Contest Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Dave, No doubt you nailed it. Your Ya Du "Spirit of Summer" embraces the season and gives the reader a little rush. Perfect mastery of the elements of the Ya Du form, actually. With so few entries this round I could only award 1 winner and I flipped a coin. It came up heads, you were tails. But I am still sending a Merit Badge.

Thank you for continuing to support this contest and submitting quality work as examples.

~~Tink



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25
25
Review of Wonderful Spring  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with Oriental Poetry Contest Bank  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Rhychus, Thank you for entering your Wonderful Spring in Round 67 of the Oriental Poetry Contest. Your poem not only captured the season but mastered the elements of the Ya Du form. Nicely done.

I loved "Nature's Ringer".... It made me smile.

Enjoy the spring and stay safe.

~~Tink



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