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Review of Battle Stations!  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Rhychus, This was interesting. I am reviewing your “Battle Stations” for the Oriental Poetry Contest.

The Malaysian Pantun, a tetrastich in equal length lines and alternate rhyme which is a pretty common frame. I thought it different that you chose 9 syllable lines, not so common but within the parameters of the form. The small poem was originally meant to send some kind of message. Yours is more a description of the mechanics of war. The separation of the 2 couplets, the viewpoint of a soldier in training or waiting and then the Battle commands coming from an officer works well.

The flow is a little jerky but it fits the content.

Word choices were unique. i’m not sure i totally understood the last line other than as a code name for a battle plan. The rhyme drudgery / dungarees is unique and interesting.

The more i read this, the more i liked it.

~~Tink





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Review of FISHING  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice Monty, I’m reviewing you “Fishing” for the Orienta Poetry Contest.

The Malaysian Pantun with its straight forward rhyme scheme is right up your alley. The even lines create a easy going rhythm in which i can almost picture you rowing out to catch a fish.

Your little ditty is fun and believable.

The only suggestion i could make is you could take this to the next level by taking this beyond just rhyme and syllable count by adding more poetic devices to emphasize the musicality. Something like

“Love fishing in my bobbing boat.”. “Just” and “while” are unnecessary fillers, giving them up for “bobbing” adds concrete detail to your image and the sound element of alliteration. This is me thinking out loud. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

This is just how i process my own work, i write the idea then i ask, how can i improve? what can i dump that is not necessary? what can i add that is concrete to improve the image? what sounds can i find to make it more musical?

i loved that you chose to write about fishing using a fisherman’s form. I really enjoyed this.

~~Tink


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for entry "Hunger
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Lilli, I’m reviewing your 24 Syllable entry for my 2nd review at I Write.

Of course your syllable count is spot and the prompt word fits right into your little piece. I could almost hear the voice of a smart mouth teen spouting these words. Telling someone who just offered food to someone who is clearly hungry that their place is “squalid, even if it was true, so rude, But some people don’t seem to care how their words will effect the recipient.

This is not a feel good poem but it does incite an emotion. That is what it’s all about. Now I leave angry, just kidding. Good writing.

~~Tink



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Review of Still Standing  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello M.Morris, Thank you for entering the Oriental Poetry Contest with your Still Standing.

The Three-Five-Seven verse form gives a lot of space for detailed imagery in 3 short lines. Your poem manages the elements of word count and parallels quite well.

The sounds of the poem complement each other, the assonance in the first phrase of L1, alliteration in the first phrase of L3 contribute to the rhythm of the poem, which flows nicely until the last phrase that for some reason sounded a little off-key when I read it out loud. The hard "a" in snake just didn't seem to fit the rest of the poem. I wonder if you had used "serpent" instead? Just an observation and my personal taste. Also firmly would be the proper adverb in the first phrase of L3.

I liked the opening line best, I liked the parallel and I could relate.

I enjoyed reading your poem. Editing is allowed until midnight EST. I will be making my selections tomorrow.

~~Tink


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for entry "thee five seven poems
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Jake, Thanks for entering these 3 poems in "Invalid Post"  . Of course I can l only consider one for the contest judging. I've chosen the most intriguing "Black Cat Haunts My Life" for review and consideration in the contest.

As you are already away from Dave's response at
FORUM
~ The Poet's Place Cafe~  (E)
A place for discussion on poetry, reviews, contests, etc.
#1937709 by Dave
that you are short some words in all three poems but I think Black Cat is not only the most intriguing to me, but it also has the easiest fix.

I wonder if you simply added these bold word or something similar:

That black cat, haunting my life
It just stares at me, he is freaking me out
This evil black cat truly hates me, he is planning to kill me off

Forgive me for playing with your words, but it was the best way to show you what I mean. Use what you feel is helpful to you and ignore the rest.

I enjoyed reading all of your poems but the haunting black cat caught my attention and I had to narrow it down.

~~Tink


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for entry "The Potion
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Dave, A little early for Halloween but I guess it is on the horizon. Thank you for entering the Three Five Seven Round and supporting the Oriental Contest over at Poet's Place. So I'm here dissecting rats in your "potion". This is a little creepy.

The Three Five Seven frame has a lot of wiggle room for detailed imagery and you certainly took advantage of it. You stayed within the perimeter of the frame and the lines flow into one another.

I do wonder about the comma in the last line, I with the word choices the comma isn't necessary and instead of a parallel you just have a long line. To make the 2nd half a parallel I think you would have to change "as" to "a". Just thinking out loud and I'm questioning myself but I think I'm right. But you know I can be wrong. Use what is helpful and ignore the rest.

My favorite phrase is " Ghastly cackle spells doom for unsuspecting victims" it has a great sound and perfectly carries the mood.

I enjoyed reading something a little different. Happy writing.

~~Tink



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Review of Weightless  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
OMG Mastiff, I truly hope it isn't that serious but the situation did produce an interesting poem. Thank you for entering the Oriental Poetry Contest with this little gem. I'm reviewing to show you the poem through my eyes and to take a closer look to judge. Since edits are allowed up until the last day, I will come back at the close of the contest to reread, reassess and make my selections.

The Three-Five-Seven is a frame of 3 lines paused in the middle by caesura with words counted 3/3, 5/5, and 7/7. The half lines should be parallels or question/answer. It gives a lot of room in such a short poem for detailed imagery which you take advantage of.

The syntax and flow are fluid and the words create rhyme sounds in the least likely of places dread/dead shouldn't be considered rhyme because of the line jump and the position of the words in the line and yet the sight and sound of those two words stand out, very cool.

You parallel phrases could use a little more work, I'd play with the 2nd phrase of L1 and L2 to make the transition clearer. I wonder if instead of

I feel dread, due to work. ---- due to work is really not another phrase but an extension of the first phrase and the comma becomes an artificial pause.
Crush what is my soul, what is left of it.

What if you did something like

I feel dread, work is stress. or oppressive work stress, or trouble at work etc.
Crushed what is my soul, it leaves me no rest. or -

These are just ideas, hopefully, I'm making it clear what I'm trying to show you.

The last line is perfect, you got it.

I really liked the poem, I just think those phrases need a little tweaking. But it is just my opinion, use what helps and ignore the rest.

Thanks again and I think this is something many will relate to .

~~Tink


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Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Neva, Thank you for again supporting the Oriental Poetry Contest with another entry, this time with "Singing the Sacred Scriptures". I am always inspired by your words. I am reviewing to give you a glimpse of your work through my eyes and for me to look closer as a preliminary to judging. I try to review as the poems come in to give myself time for a thoughtful review. Since edits are allowed up until the last day, I will return to reread, reassess and make my selections on the last day of the round.

The Three-Five-Seven frame gives a lot of room for imagery even though only in 3 lines. You take good advantage of the space and still keep the word count within the frame.

Because of the broken lines, some of the poems entered have come out choppy, yours flows in harmony with your message, like a piece of sacred music. Nice.

The word selection had a couple of surprises, croons, primal

My favorite phrase "croons holy words"

Suggestions: I could hear the crooning "croons holy words" but I only read, musiicians play the instruments, you phrase tells, it doesn't show me what musicians, what instruments? Show don't tell What does it look like? This is just my opinion, use what is helpful and ignore the rest.

I thought this a lovely poem. Good luck and happy writing.

~~Tink


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Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Jay, Thank you for entering your "September Heat" in the Oriental Poetry Contest. I can relate, although this morning there is a bit of a nip in the air. I'm reviewing as the poems come in to save myself from a log-jam at the end of the month. To give a thoughtful review takes time and there have been a good number of entries each round lately so I try to spread the review time over the course of the round. Since edits are allowed until the last day, I will reread and reassess on the last day of the round and select the winners then. This allows me to show you your poem through my eyes and take a closer look at your work in a preliminary judge.

My first impression was drawn to the very long --------------------- caesura. I saw it before the title or any words and it was distracting. I actually saw it first on my iPad where because of the size, it distorted the entire poem and I was wondering if something happened to the type. Now that I see it on my desktop, I get what you were trying to do but I think it creates way too long an artificial pause and doesn't do the reading of your poem a service. If you were concerned with the sight of your poem you can break the line into two at the caesura some like:
dog days stayed;
                   clothes always drenched
cool winds help the heart;
                   skin senses fall comes soon
summer resides in September for most days;
{indent          }November brings an end to oppressive heat.

The Three=Five-Seven verse gives a lot of room to create imagery. You easily mastered the frame even though it goes against your comfort zone.

It is not the metered, rhymed frame you so excel at but it still has to carry a fluid rhythm and rhyme can be found in other dimensions than end rhyme. Alliterative rhyme found in your first, third, fourth and fifth phrases dog/days; help/heart ; skin./ senses/ soon; summer/September. Your assonant rhyme in phrase 1 days/stayed.

It was the first phrase that was my favorite, probably because of all of the rhyme. It is the sound of the phrase, rings poetic.

Suggestions: You images of the first 2 lines or 4 phrases are pretty concrete. The last two phrases are telling rather than showing. There were no surprises, no twists or insight. I wanted more from this piece. These are my opinions. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

I appreciate your stepping out of your mastery zone and giving this form a try. I enjoyed the read.

~~Tink



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Review of Summer Retreat  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Rhychus, Thank you for entering the Oriental Poetry Contest with your interesting, "Summer Retreat". I'm taking a closer look to let you see your poem through someone else's eyes and to assist me in judging. But as you know I will come back and reread and reassess before I make my selections.

Your title promised, carefree summer fun. Your first phrase turned it around and described the extreme downside of summer. Interesting and of course the reader would read on.

The Three-Five-Seven verse form gives a lot of room in such a small poem to create imagery and you clearly took advantage of that staying within the perimeters of the frame.

When reading aloud this poem some of it becomes a bit choppy as if reading off a list of phrases without a fluid transition between some of them.

I liked the way the poem begins with the negatives and in the end, the "retreat" almost seems a retreat from summer itself, rather than from the hassle of life that is implied in the title.

As always, I did enjoy your poem.

~~Tink



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Review of Mesmerized  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good morning Nani, Thank you for entering your "Ebb and Flow" in the Oriental Poetry contest. I was at the beach yesterday and could totally relate to the imagery you shared. I'm taking a closer look at your poem to help you see your poem through another's eyes as well as to help me as judge of the contest. I try to review as the entries come in because of the time it takes and the number of entries each round. But since edits are allowed until the 29th and I do not start the actual judging process until I reread and reassess on the 30th just in case someone makes a change that enhances their poem.

Loved the title but it is the same as the first phrase which is redundant. I would either change the title or the phrase. If it were mine, which it isn't, I would try and come up with a new title that draws the reader and adds one more imagery. Though using the first line as the title has been connected to great poets of the past such as Emily Dickenson, it isn't recommended in modern poetry. Plus Emily didn't title any of her poems, all of her poems were published after her death and the publisher used the first line as the title because they were her words.

You used the Three-Five-Seven frame to its best advantage. You didn't waste words and allowed the poem to flow with the tide seamlessly.

My favorite line "Why can't all lovers be as devoted?" I had not thought of the ocean as a lover before, you opened new images in my mind. Nice.

My only suggestion, the title being the same as the opening phrase uses up precious imagery space. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

I really enjoyed reading your poem. Thanks for this opportunity to review your delightful piece.

~~Tink


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Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Goodmorning Moondog, Thank you for your entry at the Oriental Poetry Contest. It was as if you wrote my yesterday when I sat on the sand and watched the breakers crash over the rocks. Well not quite, I am well beyond my bikini years and our northern California coastal beaches are not the serene beach you imply in your poem. But I certainly could relate to it.

I'm taking a closer look at your poem to help me judge for the contest. But since you are allowed to edit up until Sept 29, I will come back and reread and reassess on the 30th.

My first impression was from your title. I thought you said too much, a title should be a hook, a catchy word or two or three to make the reader curious to read on. "Beach Day" or "Bikini Day" would have been sufficient.

The Three-Five-Seven gives a lot of room to develop images. Your frame was spot on. You use caesura perfectly.

The first rule of poetry is "show don't tell". Use more "concrete images", easier said than done. I am just showing you your poem through my eyes. I thought some of your lines were too "telly". I wanted to see or feel the beach a bit more, like instead of "enjoying the cool ocean breeze" something like "ocean breezes cool her skin" or "cooling breeze brushes her skin", In poetry "enjoying" should be implied not told. What does enjoying look like, sound like, feel like? You shouldn't have to say "That's how", don't waste valuable word space on explaining, just show the reader.

The beach is her sanctuary and retreat, her secret place to escape and relax.

I think this poem could go to the next level with more concrete imagery and the use of writing tools such as alliteration and assonance to enhance the sound of your poem. Help the reader feel the grains of sand under their feet, hear the surf as it flows to shore and back. That is what moves the reader.

I'm just sharing what I have learned over the years. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest. Bottom line it is your poem, you are the creator.

I loved the idea behind this poem. "nobody giving her trouble" is my favorite phrase. The sound of the ocean is relaxing. Luckily I live only 15 minutes away. Thank you for this relatable poem.

~~Tink








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Review of Sacred Song  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Rhychus, Thanks for coming back to this piece and elevating it to a unique and enlightening moment to be shared with your readers. The rewrite adds clarity and musicality to the piece. When I went back to read today, I was excited to see the transformation way beyond what I had imagined it could be when I first reviewed it. This more than deserves an additional star.

I do question the comma after the first line. It gives pause mid-sentence that I don't think is necessary but I always question myself on punctuation so it may just be a matter of personal preference.

Anyway, my first impression when I read this was WOW! Nice recovery.

~~Tink


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for entry "HAPPY BIRTHDAY WDC!!!
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Carly, I'm taking a deeper look at your uplifting "Happy Birthday WDC" because I followed you at I Write. I've started this three times and kept getting interrupted, sorry it is a little late.

First glance, the title is specifically for one recipient and yet the poem could be for anyone on WDC celebrating the event. Visually the poem has whimsy, centered, quatrains separated by a refrain. Attractive on the page.

You use a nonce form, an uneven rhythm written in 4 quatrains separated by a refrain and the last quatrain ends with that refrain. Rhyme xxaa B xxcc B xxdd B xxbB. Nice pattern and cleverly designed to meet the 19 line prompt requirement.

The word choices appropriate for a birthday greeting, no real surprises but I loved the "don't cha know".

You might want to check L13 "We're built a community" should be "We've built a community" or if you were trying to avoid repetition of the beginning of L12 it could be "We built community"

I did enjoy reading this fun poem.

~~Tink


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for entry "Fireflies
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Dave, Your short break paid off in creativity, you are on a writing roll with new poems. Thankfully one of them is a mGur which I am reviewing to look deeper than my initial response which was " Beautiful!".

The frame of the mGur is pretty simple, 5 lines of 7 or more syllables each. You easily mastered the frame choosing 7 syllables L1-L4 and 8 syllables L5. The content is a bit more difficult for some to grasp, an extension of meditation or prayer which your "Fireflies" appears to be.

The rhythm and flow of the piece are fluid and transcending. The choice of the 8th syllable in L5 contributes to that ease.

Word choices, / blend / blackened universe bound / realm /, add texture and depth.

The last 2 lines are my favorite, it was a surprise. The wasn't "see the pretty twinkling lights of the firefly" poem, it was a thoughtful observation with a moment of enlightenment.

Thank you for writing this beautiful small piece.

~~Tink







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for entry "A Birthday Gift...
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Ruwth, I found this fascinating. I am reviewing as my 2nd review at I Write and I don't think I've ever reviewed anything like it before.

My first impression was confusion. I had no clue what I was reading. But then I read it again and realized it like a blog entry. A simple slice of your life as you attempted to create something online for a birthday gift. Very clever Birthday Gif. I got it even though I have no idea how to make these illustrations or what Gif. stands for other than I see the label and see moving parts in an illustration. But you include places you used to help create and glitter them so I'm going to check it out, So cool. Maybe I'll learn something.

One technical glitch, in paragraph 3 you say, "I choose", I believe it should be "I chose". Picky picky but this a review.

Thanks for posting this at I Write. I would never have read something like this otherwise. Now I have to go exploring.

~~Tink


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Review of Writing Room  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Mastiff, Thanks for sharing your Writing Room with the Oriental Poetry Contest. I'm reviewing to take a deeper look into your entry.

I thought your title was genius. What writer wouldn't want to read on, and let's face it most of the readers of our poetry are writers.

The mGur frame is pretty simple, 5 lines of 7 syllables each. It is the content that gives most the problems, writing as an extension of meditation or prayer. You mastered both.

It was your word combinations that I felt were most effective, L2 and L3 especially. I did wonder about your last 2 words of the poem. "takes all" ? meaning dominates or overwhelms? I wonder if "assists" or "blends in" or something along those lines might be closer to your meaning or why would you mention the forest at all? This is just my rambling thoughts, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest. It is your poem.

I loved this piece, I totally relate living a redwood forest surrounded by the giants, the scent of my writing space at the moment is the forest assisted by roses on a table nearby and savory scent coming from the kitchen of a simmering stew.


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Review of WORD THOUGHT  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Monty, You are really getting into the groove. Your Word Thought was really good and without the embellishment of rhyme, well there is rhyme in the last 2 lines but it doesn't dominate. Very Nice. I'm reviewing to take a deeper look for the Oriental Poetry Contest.

First impression was a smile on seeing the title and the cover illustration. I feel that way often. I love words.

The mGur is a pretty simple form, 5 lines of 7 syllables each which you mastered easily and still kept a bit of your own style. The content does appear to be the extension of meditation.

I thought L3 was clever and it flowed right into the next line. The use of the word "meditation" seemed a little cerebral to me but that is just an opinion which you can work on or ignore. It is your poem.

Thanks for entering the Oriental Poetry Contest. It enjoyed reading your thoughts.

~~Tink

Almost done with my previous commitments and will soon be able to get to your request.





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Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Ben, Your poem made me smile. Thank you for entering the Oriental Poetry Contest with this hopeful slice of life. I'm reviewing your "Floating on a Bubble" to look a little deeper.

I was first greeted by an intriguing title. It would keep me reading.

The mGur has a pretty simple frame, 5 lines, 7 syllables or sometimes more each. You chose the "sometimes more" route but kept it consistent at 8 syllable lines. The no-no would have been if you had chosen "less than 7" The content should be an extension of meditation or prayer which is where our hopes and dreams originate. There is hope amid these concrete images.

I liked the idea behind the poem, enjoy the moment but take precautions to enjoy future moments.

I did question L3. How does one wade in while already underwater? The line doesn't make sense. Kids unaware in the next line kind of suggested to me there might be something ominous under the water but it is really not that clear and could use a little work. But that is just my opinion, use what you find useful and ignore the rest.

When you can look at the serious and still find the joy is a gift. Don't give it up. I enjoyed reading this piece.

~~Tink


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Review of mGur on Spirit  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Beholden, Thank you for sharing such a lovely mGur with the Oriental Poetry Contest. It is my privilege to review it.

My first impression was to wonder if the title would draw others to read this gentle meditation. I hope so because it is worthy of being read outside of this contest. If it were mine I play with the title a bit for a more intriguing hook.

The verse form is pretty straight forward, 5 lines 7 syllables each which you had no trouble mastering. Clearly the content came from within.

The ebb and flow of the piece is musical. The words (birdlike - cage enclosing - abides - patience - beloved) all give depth and interest to the poem.

What I liked best was you spoke to your spirit like a lover. It touched me.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading and looking deeper into your poem. Thank you.

~~Tink


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Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you Neva for your entry for the Oriental Poetry Contest. I knew you would capture the essence of the mGur. Your "Meditating on Sacred Scriptures" reflects an extension of meditation beyond the line and syllable count.

I thought it interesting you point out the "English translations" which of course we English speakers depend on and yet the sacred scriptures are translations upon translations to the English and I sometimes wonder what may have gotten lost or changed somewhere along the way. Only meditation or prayer can reveal the connection.

Words transform, "equanimity" was more cerebral than emotional, I felt a disconnect. "Holy Spirit's echoes" was a palpable image, I felt the echoes.

The rhythm is fluid when read aloud.

I liked that the content inspires meditation by the reader. I found myself meditating on your meditation. Thank you.

~~Tink



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Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Moondog, Thank you for giving this obscure form a try and entering the Oriental Poetry Contest.

I thought your title was almost trying to convince the reader that the statement was true. The poem then continues to expand on the argument. I wonder if this was the result of meditation sorting out answers to questions of what loving someone looks like.

The mGur is commonly framed 5 lines, 7 syllables each. Your poem masters the structure. The rhythm is fluid. The poem is a single sentence broken into 5 lines.

The words are simple and straight forward, no cliche, no surprise words.

I liked that you used real names, giving a dimension to the subjects of the poem.

I thought the piece interesting and was curioius to know more.

~~Tink


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Review of Sacred Song  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Rhychus, Thanks for entering the Oriental Poetry Contest Round 55 and giving the mGur a try.

Your frame models the most popular of elements of the form. The content does seem the extension of releasing creativity from within. This ponderance on the art of poetry was moving though it did take me a couple of reads to get it.

I especially liked "by notes that love and marry", I had not thought of a line of verse in that way before. It is quite beautiful.

Some of the words used add texture and clarity - held prone, notes that love and marry, virtuous verse. Strong, unique images. Other phrases border on cliché - whispering vows in the wind - sailing silently Both of those phrases sound really good but that is why they often appear in poems and other writings. We all do it.


I do wonder about the caps at the beginning of each line and commas at the end of each line until the end. String it all out and it isn't a complete sentence yet it is written as on sentence with the punctuation as it is.

These are just my musings as I study your poem. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

This is really a quite lovely piece.





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Review by Tinker
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Dave, I enjoyed reading your Elegy for the Neighborhood so much I thought I'd take a closer look.

I was first intrigued by the title, then the photograph. Then I started reading and from the rhythm and rhyme I knew I was reading a sonnet, but 18 lines? Yes of course The Heroic Sonnet   But it is written in iambic tetrameter rather than pentameter (and "heroic" is always iambic pentameter} which I guess it falls more into the loose label of Stretched Sonnet  .

The flow is sometimes a bit restricted by the metric line. Honestly, I think the rhythm would flow a little easier with an extra metric foot to play with which the way I scan it, you actually use in a couple of lines {L13 & L17}.

I felt a little sadness in the 4th quatrain. A place the narrator remembers with fondness but that scene is gone now.

I enjoyed reading this poem. You chose well for a demonstration of connotation.

~~Tink



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Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Moondog, Thank you for your entry in the Oriental Poetry Contest and yes I enjoyed reading your kural. I’m reviewing your “They See the Sunset” to show a different perspective and also so that I can examine more closely to judge for the contest.

First Impression: Your title has a romantic lure.

Verse Form: Kural: 2 lines, 7 words L1 with 4 words and L2 with 3 words. Your poem reads as a simple sentence written in 7 words broken at the 4th word.

Rhythm & Flow: The poem has a nice flow.

Language & Word Choice: Very simple words, straight forward image.

Things I liked : I did like the suggested romance of the piece.

Suggestions: These are just my opinions, but although I enjoyed the idea behind the poem, I thought the presentation simplistic. The line break at "the" wastes the natural pause diluting the magic. I wonder if you experimented with taking advantage of the pause for a more dramatic effect. This is your poem, use what you may have found helpful in my review, ignore the rest.

Thank you for sharing your work. Good Luck!

~~Tink


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