Tinker's (tinker1111) Reviews

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1,157 Public Reviews Given
1,167 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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126

Review of Journal of a Spaced-Out Brain -poetry-  

for entry "Tanaga #1 (Kites)" 
Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Rhychus, Thank you for entering your "Kites" in the Oriental Poetry Contest. I'm taking a closer look to help me judge.

Overall Impression: The poem appears easy to read and inviting on the page. I have to admit to feeling a little hit over the head with the use of the work "kites" so often. I think your poem would read more smoothly if you found substitutes for some of the "kites".

Form: The Tanaga frame is pretty simple, a mono-rhymed tetrastich with 7 syllable lines. You stretched it into 4 quatrains which gave it more interest. You also captured the intent of the original form by asking questions. Well done.
be
I think I enjoyed the 2nd quatrain most. The first 2 quatrains had a free, almost childlike feel. It was joyful. The last quatrain was fine but didn't add to the joy. You had me flying with the kite and the last quatrain brought me back to earth. I wanted to stay free. *BigSmile*

I appreciate your continued support of the Oriental Poetry Contest and really enjoyed reading your entry.

~~Tink


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127

Review of Snow's Writing for 2019, 2020, & Beyond  

Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Neva, Your "Shelter-in-place Blues" made me smile. Thanks for entering the Oriental Poetry contest, I'm taking a closer look as judge.

First Impression: The title and the neat 4 lines would draw me to read, and though you call it the blues, the words are playful. It has a playground sound.

Form: The Tanaga hss a simple frame, a mono-rhymed tetrastich in 7 syllable lines. which you had no problem with. When judging I also look for the intent behind the original form and that was to ask a question, which your poem doesn't include.

I think the playfulness of this poem is what I liked best about it. If felt good to read.

I appreciate your continued support of the Oriental Poetry Contest and enjoyed reading your entry.

~~Tink


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128

Review of Sudden Change  

Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Neva, This isn't really a review but I wanted to comment on your poem Sudden Change. I've been struggling with the prompt quote trying to write my own piece and thought I might get ideas from reading the entries at Bard's Hall. Then I came on your poem. It is so clear, you took the prompt and turned it into a concrete experience. Your talent sometimes awes me.

I'm no closer to write one of my own but at least I had the privilege of reading yours. Thank you.

~~Tink
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Review of Snowed In  

Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Intuey, I begin my review with a big smile on my face after reading your delightful "Snowed In". Following you at I Write, here I am. My first reaction to opening your entry, "Oh no, I was hoping for a really short poem, instead I get a short story." Haha, well at least a dialog short story is fast, easy reading and yes it was. I don't deliberately search for punctuation, syntax, or spelling errors but will say something if something jumps out at me. No jumping beans. The piece read smoothly without obvious technical error.

I thoroughly loved the banter or should I say echo in this story. It really isn't banter when the language is only understood one way. Luckily I understand "dog" and found the dog in your story very believable.

When my husband is away and I'm alone, I refuse to watch anything scary because I will hear all kinds of sounds I would never hear otherwise. I've always had big dogs that I depended on for alerts until 4 years ago. But have only had a cat now, so won't watch anything remotely scary. I am really not frightened alone unless I've been set up by a movie or tv show. *bitsmile* Thanks for the enjoyable read.

~~Tink


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Review of Enga mellom fjella  

for entry "April evenings (Doha)" 
Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ooooh Enga, What I thought was going to be romance turned very scary. So good! I love this twisted tale. It get better each time I read it.

I’m reviewing your April Evenings as an entrant in the Oriental Poetry Contest. The Doha, with its long lines give plenty of room for detail and you took full advantage. I was so engrossed in your story I had to go back and check whether or not you included the rhyming element.

You mastered the syllable count, the rhyme and through some alliteration. Your last line had me laughing. Ooooh I wouldn’t mess with your love.

Thank you so much for slipping in under the wire with this fascinating piece.

~~Tink


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131

Review of Journal of a Spaced-Out Brain -poetry-  

for entry "Doha #1" 
Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Rhycus, You can use the "indent" icon, the one with arrow aiming right, 15th from the left.

"Only then the real power of the creator's love,
         Will settle for the spirit's perfect restore."
{ indent}Will settle for the spirit's perfect restore."

You mastered the form. Your writing is impeccable.

Ok, that out of the way, Wow, a powerful piece! You have to be careful here though, you begin with supplication, a prayer for forgiveness and at the 3rd stanza you abandon prayer and begin telling your reader what he/she needs to do. The narrator is talking to God until L6. You don't have to tell God to "remember the way to perdition is broad" You've changed the narrator from supplicant to preacher. You could lose your reader at that point. You can still get your point across but the narrator must remember who he is and who he is talking to. I hope what I'm saying makes sense. There is a lot here in this piece but you change perspective midway and this humble supplicant is no longer asking for forgiveness and that is where I disconnected. The power of the piece is in the humility of the penitent and recognition of God's grace rather than explaining to others why.

This is just one person's opinion. I think you have a message and it should be delivered. My comments are meant to help you see your poem through my eyes. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

Thank you for continuing to come back to the Oriental Poetry Contest. As always your work is solid and interesting.

~~Tink


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132

Review of Le Voyage Magnifique  

for entry "Bathing in Pleasure" 
Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Dave, This is a lovely gift for a spring morning. Spring seems to inspire morning songs and the long lines of the Doha provide a fluid frame perfect for the genre. You had no difficulty mastering the form. Of course other than the syllable count for the two phrases, these "rhymed couplets" convert easily to rhymed quatrains, xaxa xbxb.

I loved your use of alliteration at the end.

This line seemed off rhythm a bit, I know you were counting syllables and for a forms contest, staying within the frame is important.

"viewed with pleasure from my perch in back porch rocking chair"

I wonder if you changed it to make it read more smoothingly, something like

viewed with pleasure, perched on my old back porch rocking chair (it smoothes it and emphasizes the alliteration, of course the 1 syllable word "old" that I had to add for count could be anything, new, blue, worn, posh, *Bigsmile*) Sorry, sometimes I just have to tinker. Use what you find helpful, ignore the rest.

My favorite line is the last. Who eats cherry lollipops? Haha, that line takes the whole poem out of the "lovely spring morning poem" to a unique moment of pure delight.

~~Judi


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Review of Horn Shadows  

Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello hOOves, I'm returning the favor, here I am to review your Horn Shadows which I thoroughly enjoyed reading until the end, sad. Seeing the Verse Form prompt when reading your poem prompted me to write a englyn unodl union myself and enter Writer's Cramp. I am very partial to the Welsh forms.

Coming to the form, the defining element of the englyn unodl union   is the use of the "gair cyrch", which you sort of got, just not quite. Specifically, the main rhyme of the long line must be followed by caesura, most often a dash. And the end word of the line rhymes with a syllable in the early part of the next line. It is kind of a complicated verse form. We will see how nit picky the judges are when it comes to this form.

The elements of the englyn unodl union are:
         1. stanzaic, written in any number of quatrains.syllabic, made up of 10-6-7-7 syllable lines.
         2. rhymed, mono rhymed, the main rhyme (the dominant rhyme of the stanza) "A" is found somewhere in the last half of L1 (6th, 7th or 8th syllables) and is followed by caesura plus the rest of the 10 syllables and rhymes with the end words of L2 through L4.
         3. composed with an addendum, a "gair cyrch" in L1 (syllables in the last half of a line that follow the main rhyme marked by caesura. The gair cyrch end rhyme is to be echoed or consonated as secondary rhyme in the 1st half of L2. The caesura often appears as a dash.)
         4. written with L2 always ending in an unstressed syllable and either L3 or L4 should also end in an unstressed syllable.

x x x x x x A - x x b (the main rhyme, A can be in either the 6th, 7th, or 8th syllable and must be followed by caesura.)
x b x x x A
x x x x x x A
x x x x x x A

Sorry, I spent a lot of time studying the 24 Welsh Meters, something very dear to my heart. I've seen watered down descriptions of the forms which bother me a bit, but I get it, the forms are difficult to master in English. My entry doesn't have unstressed end words in the first stanza. At least I did it in the 2nd stanza. Here is an old one of mine that shows the gair cyrch in the first line. What follows the main rhyme and caesura, is like an addendum

Two Dollar Bet

Under wide brimmed hat prinked with birds - so hip,
a hot tip is overheard,
favored until afterward,
my pick, far back in the herd.
                    ~~Judi Van Gorder

This touched on one of my passions, please use what you find helpful and ignore the rest. 99.9 % of the people who read your poem will never have heard of the engyln unodl union or the gair cyrch.

Actually, I felt by kind of glossing over the elements of the form your poem is smoother and flows better than if had complied with the rigid restrictions coded in the 12th century.

The fact that you took up the cause of our bovine friends in poetic form warmed my heart. We raised beef when I was first married and I got attached to a couple.


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Review of Le Voyage Magnifique  

for entry "Cacophony" 
Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Dave, Sorry I'm running behind. You'd think I had all the time in the world to get this stuff done but here I am scrambling. I feel a little like your poem. I'm wondering if this has anything to do with the recent tornadoes out your way. What a nightmare, sheltered at home with a tornado bearing down on you. Doesn't sound so sheltered to me. Anyway, I don't know if you are close to that area or not but that is the thought that came to my head when I read your poem.

Yes you mastered the form pefectly in frame and intent. Your imagery evokes emotion. I still have 3 entries left but right now you are ahead of the pack. This poem has power.

Thanks for entering the Oriental poetry contest with this great offering.

~~Tink


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Review of Journal of a Spaced-Out Brain -poetry-  

for entry "Gogyohka #3" 
Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Rhychus, Thanks for entering your gogyohka in the Oriental Poetry Contest. This is so cute "He" could be a child, a dog or a cat. I'm leaning toward dog. Whatever, it is a perfect image of how we respond to small loveable entities.

Your small piece masters the frame and intent of the gogyohka and was a pleasure to read.

I especially loved "And tickles under his chin." My Molly loves that. (she is a kitty) but so did Trey (my late, Siberian husky) and I can still hear the giggles of my grandson when he was tiny and I'd tickle him under the chin. This was really good, the reader brings their own experience to the piece.

~~Tink


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Review of Unfettered  

Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Rinsoxy, This gogyohka, Unfettered, is quite beautiful. I’m taking a closer look to prepare for judging. You capture the essence of this 5 line Japanese form eloquently.

The poem flows fluidly. It has a nice rhythm begun in your first line.

I found no technical error. Japanese forms tend to draw emotion from concrete imagery and L4 is a bit abstract but that was the only weakness I could find and that is simply one person’s opinion. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

Thank you for entering the Oriental Poetry Contest. I really enjoyed reading your entry

~~Tink


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Review of social distancing  

Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Chris, Haha, entering your own contest, clever. I'm reviewing your "social distancing" preparing to judge the contest. Edits are allowed through the 14th and I return to reread and make a final judgment on the 15th.

The Japanese word gogyohka means 5 lines. The only elemental requirement of this form is that the poem be written in 5 lines. Your poem has 7 lines, 2 lines too many. To be a gogyohka it needs to be trimmed by 2 lines. *Bigsmile* If this poem were mine and I was looking to trim, I would remove L4 and L6 as redundant.

Asian poetry, especially Japanese poetry is concrete, focused and minimal. It doesn't tell the reader how you feel, it shows it. Your poem is a bit abstract.

Your best line, " I am that hugger" Hopefully soon, we will all get some of those hugs you write about because not only is it hard for the hugger not to hug, it is hard on the huggee not to get those hugs.

Thanks for jumping in and supporting the contest with your own poem.

~~Tink


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138

Review of Le Voyage Magnifique  

for entry "The Spirit of Summer" 
Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Dave, No doubt you nailed it. Your Ya Du "Spirit of Summer" embraces the season and gives the reader a little rush. Perfect mastery of the elements of the Ya Du form, actually. With so few entries this round I could only award 1 winner and I flipped a coin. It came up heads, you were tails. But I am still sending a Merit Badge.

Thank you for continuing to support this contest and submitting quality work as examples.

~~Tink


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Review of Wonderful Spring  

Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Rhychus, Thank you for entering your Wonderful Spring in Round 67 of the Oriental Poetry Contest. Your poem not only captured the season but mastered the elements of the Ya Du form. Nicely done.

I loved "Nature's Ringer".... It made me smile.

Enjoy the spring and stay safe.

~~Tink


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Review of My Grandfather's Clock  

Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Odessa, Following you at I Write, I am reviewing your My Grandfather's Clock. I found this short story interesting with no technical issues such as misspelled words, punctuation or syntax, that jumped off the page at me. I am not a short story writer so I am limited in my knowledge of writing such. The opinions here are simply my reaction, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

I don't know the song, horror is a genre I normally avoid, in movies, books, or just tales around a campfire so I hadn't heard any of this before. Your plot line made sense, the characters got a little jumbled for me but you got the point across. It was pretty clear to me where the story was leading to early on in the story. Your last line was a perfect ending for the story.

~~Tink


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Review of Assignation  

Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Beholden, You are back for another round, Thank You. I'm reviewing your Assignation for the Oriental Poetry Contest. Taking a closer look prepping to judge. My comments are from my interpretation of Kouta frame. Use what is helpful and ignore the rest.

In reviewing the Kouta, I am looking for, compliance with the syllabic pattern, onomatopoeia, and connection to ordinary events. These small songs are like personal messages. I see you embraced the "sometimes 5 lines" and made a good choice to make it 7 syllables to maintain the syllabic pattern and "Chattering" is a sound element of onomatopoeia.

I do have to wonder a little about the personal aspect of the piece. Yes, it leads to L5 that alludes to a human connection but the first 4 lines reflect on the setting in nature rather than on the event or personal connection to another. The Kouta is all about feelings. I'm not sure there is enough in this one.

It is a lovely romantic poem. I enjoyed reading your stroll through the evening on the path to your love. Nice


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Review of Le Voyage Magnifique  

for entry "Snowflakes" 
Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Dave, I just read a Snowflake poem from you. Quite different from this one entered in the Oriental Poetry Contest. I'm reviewing your Snowflakes, prepping to judge. My comments are based on my interpretation of the form. Use what is helpful and ignore the rest.

Reviewing a Kouta, I am looking for compliance with the syllabic element, onomatopoeia, and connection to ordinary events. Each kouta should be able to stand alone but in a series have a running theme or connection. Your Snowflakes both include the sound element "shout" and "screaming", you can't get more ordinary than shoveling snow and then feeling the aches and pains of the exercise and each of the Koutas could stand alone.

It was interesting that you reversed the syllabic count from 7-5-7-5 from the most popular of Kouta frames to 5-7-5-7. It works for the poem. How picky need I get here? There are a lot of equally good entries this round that stuck to the popular syllablic pattern. This judging stuff is hard enough!

I like the words and phrases used "fitness program" "liniment" "protraction", they elevate the message.

I thought your Koutas were cleverly crafted and enjoyed reading them.

Thanks for all of your support given to this contest.

~~Tink


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Review of Enga mellom fjella  

for entry "5 koutas" 
Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow, well done Kåre, Thank you for entering your 5 koutas in Round 66 of the Oriental Poetry Contest. (I appreciate your enthusiasm in entering them twice but I'll only be judging them once. *Bigsmile*

What I am looking for in the Kouta is, compliance with the syllabic patterns, focus on the human condition and onomatopoeia. You managed to master all three in your five Koutas. sizzle / Ka choo / cry / pound / limp

Five Koutas with a theme of loneliness. Nice!

Obviously, you embraced the spirit of the form. Impressive.

~~Tink


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Review of Contest Entries  

for entry "Making a Mess" 
Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Angelica, Thank you for entering Making a Mess in Round 66, the Kouta, at the Oriental Poetry Contest. I am taking a closer look preparing to judge. Edits are allowed until the 14th and poems will be reread and assessed on the 15th.

What I am looking for when reviewing the Kouta is syllabic compliance, focus on the human condition and onomatopoeia. Each stanza should be a stand-alone poem. When presented in a series the stanzas should compliment each other.

Your first line of the first Kouta has 8 syllables when it should have only 7, otherwise, your syllable count is right on.

You touch on the human condition though I was looking for something a little more personal, maybe communication of the frustration the mess creates. But that is just my interpretation of the form.

Onomatopoeia, "rip" appears in the first Kouta but not in the 2nd and the two stanzas seem more dependant on each other than as separate poems that compliment each other.

This is just my interpretation of the form, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

You have created a clever poem that could be developed into something universally appealing. I enjoyed reading.

~~Tink







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Review of HeartSpeak  

Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Rhychus, I am so pleased that my prompt for Round 66, the Kouta, contributed in some small way to inspire your beautiful poem, Heartspeak. I'm taking a closer look preparing to judge the offerings.

When judging the Kouta I'm looking for syllabic compliance, a personal theme and onomatopoeia. Each stanza should be able to stand alone as a poem in itself. You managed to capture all of the elements although in the 3rd stanza maybe "plead" is a little stretch for onomatopoeia in a stand-alone poem.

L8 gave me a chuckle, sneaking in amid the solemnity of the rest of the lines.

My favorite lines open the poem"

"Weaned off cream, in time's hushed breeze,
Meanings long feed minds,"

Phonetics, imagery, and contemplation all rolled up into a gem of a couplet.

Thank you for sharing with us.


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Review of A lifelong journey  

Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Jody, You and I, though living across the globe from each other have had similar lives. I'm here reviewing your A Life Long Journey. It tells my story too, though I have 2 years on you, married 57 years and I only had 1 child, but lots of dogs and horses.

This is a beautiful poem, written in quatrains with random rhyme. This is just my opinion, but if it were mine, I would strike "In the beginning we were" it is redundant and throws of the balance and rhythm of the stanza. Beginning with

"Children playing life's game" is sufficient and brings the stanza into balance. This is your poem, use what you think helpful and ignore the rest.

The rest of poem floats on clouds of love. Not the sweet sticky stuff, real life down in the trenches love. I thought it poignant and moving.

~~Tink


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Review of Yemeni Bedu  

Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Beholden, I love the way you embrace the history and spirit of the form. I was beginning to think the Qasida was too difficult because only one brave soul posted a poem early in the round, then nothing until almost the end of the round. But I can see from the later entries, the form took thought, effort and time to accomplish the task. I so appreciated the results, yours included.

Because of the late entries, the reviews are late. I hope not too late to edit minor points before midnight.

The Qasida is a complicated form with many balls to juggle. You nailed the linking rhyme. The 4 part structure is a little blurred but you do tell a story from beginning to now. The Qasida is written in shers, complete couplets. Each couplet should be able to stand on its own. You don't use enjambment between couplets which is great but the comma is a kind of soft endstop. It implies the next line is necessary to complete the thought unit. A complete couplet is a single thought unit, endstopped. A poem in itself.

I love the story, so ancient yet current.

~~Tink


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Review of Recipe for Success  

Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love this poem! I was beginning to think the Qasida was too difficult because only one brave soul posted a poem early in the round, then nothing until almost the end of the round. But I can see from the later entries, the form took thought, effort and time to accomplish the task. I so appreciated the results, including yours.

The Qasida is a complicated form, you nailed the linking rhyme. You wrote a delightful poem. But there are a lot of balls to juggle with this form. You missed the "complete" couplet - sher. I am sure you know, a complete couplet is a single thought unit contained within 2 lines, endstopped. The intent of the sher is that it should be able to stand alone. A poem in itself. There is never enjambment between shers - complete couplets. You also blurred over the 4 part structure, beginning in the past, describing loss, showing the struggles and finally plea for honor or praise.

Your poem is skillfully written and fun to read. I just doesn't quite hit the mark as a Qasida. But it is one I enjoyed reading more than once and will come back to read again.

~~Tink


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Review of Enga mellom fjella  

Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Kare, I was beginning to think the Qasida was too difficult because only one brave soul posted a poem early in the round, then nothing until almost the end of the round. But I can see from the later entries, the form took thought, effort and time to accomplish the task. I so appreciated the results, yours included.

You captured the form of the Qasida with graceful poignancy. The linking rhyme, the 4 unit structure are all there. There is only one technical element that is neglected in your poem. The Qasida is written in shers which are "complete" couplets. In a "complete" couplet the thought unit is totally contained and endstopped in 2 lines. There should be no enjambment between couplets. The intent is that the sher should be able to stand alone. Your last couplet exemplifies why. It is a complete couplet, a complete poem in itself.

I thought the theme and its presentation was beautiful. It is a poem I enjoyed reading aloud and more than a couple of times. It is one of those that I would stop by and read again.

~~Tink




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Review of Snow's Writing for 2019, 2020, & Beyond  

Review by tinker1111Mail Icon
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Neva, Thank you so much for taking on this difficult form and entering your Qasida into Round 65 at the Oriental Poetry Contest. I was beginning to think the challenge was too hard since so far you are the only one to enter and it has been posted for 7 days.

The Qasida has many elements to consider, meter, rhyme, unit structure, a lot of balls to juggle. Your poem managed the even length lines, complete couplets, rhyme scheme and the 4 unit structure smoothly. However, you chose the rhymed couplet scheme which carries with it one more element, a running incremental refrain, which is missing from your piece. It was the difficulty of including that particular element that was the reason I suggested that entries utilize the more common running monorhyme scheme which doesn't include an incremental refrain element. I have edited my description to include a definition of incremental refrain to make it clearer to those who may not understand. Your skill level leads me to believe, you already know the definition but that you just missed it.

True to your aesthetic, your piece communicates your message of faith. Something I always admire about your work. I love the hidden word connotation and think this poem could be expanded to dig deeper into this subject and really become a meaningful poem. I would be curious to read it.

Thanks again for being the first and maybe only brave soul to tackle the Qasida.

~~Tink


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