Hello Frigid, I don't know how I have missed reviewing your work before here at I Write, but I am now reviewing your, If I Was Afraid of the Dark as my extra and last review for I Write 2019.
Written in tercets with a refrain, the frame fits the content.
The rhythm of the piece is moved forward by the refrain. The poem flows with and easy cadence. I liked the way the refrain alternated from the first line of one tercet to the last line of the next tercet then repeating the pattern in subsequent stanzas.
The word choices were simple and effective. Your meaning clear.
Yes it is. Good one Rhychus. I think you got it, you old dog you. Thank you for entering this poem in the Oriental Poetry Contest.
Your haiku has me smiling. Ah yes the dream, to master the art and you have done it well. Not much I can say, condensed, concrete, clear and enlightening. What more can I ask for?
Hi Neva, Nice opening fragment, short, vivid, concrete image. Thanks for returning to the Oriental Poetry Contest.
You get it, your haiku flows well and communicates your message.
You use no filler words and it fits into your on going theme that is informative. Your last line is an abstract. I wonder if you had a more concrete image to show unity. Just a thought.
Hello Ruwth, Following you at I write, I came upon your Unexpected Change of Plans. Curious is the first word that comes to mind. So many questions filled my head. Why was the trailer house condemned? Was it condemned because of the break-in and vandalism or did Granny live in a condemned trailer? Or was this just an old condemned trailer that Granny owned and kept some stuff in?
I gather this is a prompt meant to inspire a writer to continue, and the door is wide open but I wonder if there are not too many holes in the door.
I'm unsure how to review this, so I am just thinking out loud.
The construction of the piece is fluid and has no technical flaws that I can see. You will have me pondering this for a while.
Hi Neva, I've chosen your yummy "Thanksgiving Dinner" for my extra review at I write, partly because I know I will get a quality read.
This is a very simple poem written in 24 syllables with the prompt "chestnuts" which as usual you mastered.
It has a touch of sadness, it is written with nostalgia, Grandma is in the past. No more blessing from the chestnuts in the cornbread dressing. Too bad. Did she not pass down the recipe? Traditions are lost through time. I know I prepare Thanksgiving the same way my grandmother did. But I'm afraid, though I've tried to involve my granddaughters in the process they look at me and say, but grandma why go through all of that work when we can buy a good pie? They admit, my pies from scratch are better than store bought, but they don't want to put forth the effort to learn. Store bought will be OK after I've stopped baking. Until then, can't wait to have a piece of your pie, Grandma.
I ramble but that is what I gleaned from your small poem. A loss of a fond tradition. Too bad but you express it well.
Hi Kieth, This is quite a collection in one day. #1 won 2nd place congratulations. #2 could be considered a senyru
I enjoyed reading all of them although some could use more tweaking, I would have to take them one at a time, which is beyond me right now. Remember I am not an expert nor an authority, I'm a student of the art and I am passing on what I have learned. It is easier to say what is wrong with one than to write one.
I notice they are all locked in at 5/7/5 which is OK but you don't want to make it a habit. My favorite of the bunch is a modern haiku
#12
Choked by autumn growth
a lone rose goes unnoticed
since the landlord's death.
May I make a couple of suggestions? Line 2 Exchange "one" for "a" the number is more specific than a generic "a", and "grows" for "goes". again more specific image versus a more abstract image. I know "goes unnoticed" is a common phrase and that is another reason not to use it.
That is all I have for now. I am thrilled you are looking into this art, you will only get better and better the more you read, assimilate and practice.
Hi Dave, Thanks for submitting this cozy, Winter haiku to the Oriental Poetry Contest. I’m taking a closer look in order to make selections for this round’s winners.
The traditional haiku proved much harder to write than many thought it would. You seemed to have no trouble mastering the concept that the image should come from nature and there needed be a reference to a season.
i love your 2nd line, I could see the dance in my mind.
Your last line, while logical and clear, tells us rather than providing a juxtaposed image that shows us. To take it to the next level, it could read something like: toes warmed at the hearth. Just another perspective.
Next round will be a modern haiku, I hope you give it a try.
Hi Rhychus, Beautiful! I'm taking a closer look at your haiku #1 for the Oriental Poetry Contest. After reading this dazzling haiku I hope you continue to write haiku add many more numbers to your haiku journal. I'd be a fan.
This Round asked for a traditional haiku which included concrete imagery from nature and reference to a season. You managed both with ease. You use 2 kidai, first snow = early winter and gilded leave = late fall, nice.
The image of your 2nd line is amazing. The gold, dusted with white snow is ethereal.
Suggestion: To bring it to the next level, your last line tells the reader what to think. The Ah ha moment should be a juxtaposed image that draws the enlightenment forward through another concrete image. This is where haiku graduates from a simple small poem to an art form and is the most difficult element.
You have a real talent for imagery, I truly enjoy reading your work.
Hi Ruwth, Brrrr, thank you for joining Round 59 at the Oriental Poetry Contest which this chilly traditional haiku. I'm taking a closer look as part of the judging process.
I asked for a traditional haiku and you delivered. Concrete images, seasonal references all in 17 syllables.
I loved the last line, it took the chill away. Safe and warm inside.
Suggestions: The images you use are common for parts of the world in winter. (not my part of the world, snow is rare here) For future haiku consider this to take your haiku to the next level. Haiku asks for a breath in a moment. Your imagery, like in many, many poems, is very broad and unfocused. I kind of compare it to National Geographic photographs showing the most minute detail and bringing the observer to a finite moment.
Snow is a winter kigai, seasonal reference. But the art of haiku asks even more, it asks for the crystals in the snow flake.
I only offer these ideas as food for thought. It is your haiku. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
Hi Neva, Thank you for continuing to accept the challenges at Oriental Poetry Contest. The standard of your work is an inspiration to any who read it.
I asked for a traditional haiku and you didn't disappoint. The clarity of your imagery is focused, your 2nd line reminded me of when I packed into the Sierra's wilderness area on horseback. I felt I was in those clouds.
I believe your reference to the season is a little vague. In the high mountains, even summer mornings are cold. Though the grizzlies don't hibernate in summer.
Hi SugarCube, I chose your Little Willie for my extra credit review at I write. So many of us have trouble with these little poems because of the satirical, mean spirited twist. You seemed to find your way there. Although it is usually Willie that does the dirty deed. I liked that you had an old hag turned the tables on him.
Form: Little Willies are written with small rhymed frames written in accentual verse with 4 stresses per line. Your first 3 lines do just that and your last line has a good rhythm so I would leave it alone. But technically your last line only has 3 stresses. "And she gave him a rotting spleen! Read it out loud and you will hear the stresses. As I already said, it is a great punchline with a good rhythm so I would not change it. I just thought I'd get technical and point it out.
You will have to try a Bagarthach someday. They have the same twisted humor but no "Little Willie" to include and the frame is syllabic rather than accentual.
Hi Mastiff, Following you at I Write, propelled me to read and review your interesting anecdote, "Bill's Here". Now, this is an encounter most of us would remember, regardless of party affiliation. And say what one will about "Bill", no one would question his intellect or charisma. I felt thrilled at the prospect of having such a moment.
You set up the circumstance quite well, giving the reader the background needed to experience the full impact of your story without boring us to death with the details of the setup. How you got there, your maturity level, and even the circus that surrounded that particular celebrity.
There are a few technical bobbles you might want to look at and in my opinion, fix.
The 2nd sentence "at being at", I don't know if this grammatically incorrect or not but it sounded awkward to me and made me go back and read again to be sure I was reading it right. Maybe "of being at" would be a better transition?
2nd paragraph, first word "Ever" typo or typeless, I think you meant "Every".
The last sentence of the 2nd paragraph needs a transition from the general description of what you would do to escape the young bucks and the description of where you would go to "I'd just sat". The needed transition might be, "On one such occasion, I'd just sat" The I'd just sat was no longer a generality but the beginning of the story.
4th paragraph, "I didn’t have a view from the library, but they enjoyed sunning themselves in the nude by the lake." Well, I am sure they weren't popping out of the cars in the nude, so why, just because you didn't have a view of the lake from the library did you assume they would enjoy sunning themselves in the nude? Maybe rather than "I didn't have a view", you introduced the nude sunbathing comment with something like "I was told later" or "I happened on them later" Hmmm, I wonder what Hillary thought of him taking mini-vacations with gorgeous nude sunbathers? And yet he also enjoyed talking literary subjects in the library with a stranger, another peak into his character. Complex or very simple man.
The bobbles are just my opinions, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
I did enjoy reading this, and though the reader should never assume the narrator of the story is the writer, I did read this as your experience and I was thrilled at that prospect. Very cool.
Hi Mastiff, I followed you at I Write and I'm reviewing your Vignette. This was a troubling piece, I could feel the tension as I read it.
I don't look for technical error unless it jumps out at me, I saw no problems with punctuation, spelling, syntax, etc.
The piece moves smoothly and word choices create an ominous situation. I do wonder about his injuries, are they of the mind, body or spirit or all of the above? I wasn't sure from what I read.
This is a depressing slice of life that ends almost hopelessly.
Hi Dave, Thank you for once again supporting the Oriental Poetry Contest with a well crafted poem. I'm looking closer at your poem for the contest and it just gets better and better.
The rhythm is fluid. The word choices interesting. mausoleum / hapless /cadaver / whisperer / code ; not your usual spooky fare.
I have no suggestions for improvement.
My favorite is the last phrase. It was a surprise and yet it made sense. Awesome.
Hi Mike, Thank you for accepting the challenge and entering your poem in the Oriental Poetry Contest. I really enjoyed reading your herald into winter, it takes familiar images and elevates them.
The elements of the Imayo work well with your theme. The lines are fluid and images complement each other.
Your word choices are pleasing to the ear with assonance and alliteration as your primary tools.
Suggestions: "peaks in sharp relief" sounds great because of the assonance peaks/relief but I wasn't sure what the connection was. Sharp relief of what? After some thought, the image that came to my mind was mountain peaks against the blue sky. Or is it crisp mornings are relief from summer heat? Both work but I had to read and reread to come up with those. What I'm saying is, it is a great phrase but it needs a little hint of clarity. I have no idea how, just thinking out loud and sharing my thoughts. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
This really is a lovely piece that could have been considered just another fall poem but because of your choices brings an easy pleasant intro to the season. Nice writing.
Oooh another gem from the pen of Neva! Thank you for sharing "A Poet's Prayer Answered" at the Oriental Poetry Contest.
You certainly mastered the elements of the Imayo and took full advantage of the longer lines. Your poem has an even compelling rhythm. Your words echo in my mind as I read them out loud.
I can find no fault in your presentation and your content totally suits the frame.
I especially loved your opening line, "Atoms of the air vibrate, echoing my words"
You are a skillful writer with much to say. Again, thank you for sharing your work with us.
Hi Jay, Thanks for taking on another Oriental Poetry Contest challenge.
Technically, have the Imayo with the long line broken by caesura element mastered. However, reading your poem out loud, the lines breaks are so abrupt they cause the poem to be a little choppy. One phrase though paused should fluidly flow into the other.
I have to admit, your thought progress loses me a bit. It seems disjointed somehow. I have no suggestions on how to fix it other than for you to read it out loud and think of ways you might smooth it out a little. You've rewritten before so I trust if you hear it as I do, the next time I come to read this poem it will be quite different. Please, this is your poem, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
I like the idea behind the poem and love the phrase "Coolish breath brings happiness"
Hi Jake, I couldn't find your Imayo Poem in the entries of your Poems for Poetry Challenge so I'm including it my review of your "Last Man on Earth Walking Down a Dirt Road" which is not an Imayo and doesn't qualify for the Round 58 at the Oriental Poetry Contest. So I'm ignoring that poem and am reviewing the poem you posted as a reply to the Round 58 Challenge.
Imayo poem
the very last man on earth, is walking alone
down a muddy country path, alone in his thoughts
sees a lone store with a flag, stops by for coffee
drinking his coffee alone, the ghosts whispering
This poem is an Imayo, you worked within the frame perfectly. Your lines are broken by caesura in exactly the right place and they read with a nice rhythm and clarity. Awesome.
Could it be taken to another level, I think so. For example, you use the word "alone" 3 times in this very short poem which is usually not recommended because it seems redundant. I think you should consider finding a substitute word for at least one of the "alone" s. Something like, The very last man on earth, walks in solitude. This is just my opinion, use what you think helpful ignore the rest.
This starts out an image of a lone man walking, but then the imagery gets more interesting, the country path, a flag on the store, stopping for coffee and best of all the surprising last phrase that brings us back to the first phrase, he isn't just a lonely man, he is the only man, with only ghosts for company. Nice writing.
Hello Rhychus, Thanks for returning to the Oriental Poetry Contest for another challenge. Challenge is probably the wrong word here, your poem "Every Pleasure I Destroy" reads as if it easily rolled off your tongue and onto the page without any effort at all. The rhythm and rhyme are like the lyrics to a song.
The Imayo with its longer lines and Kabuki connection is the perfect frame for your words. You write like a master.
This isn't just a little jingle, your content is interesting and opens the mind to think on your words. Especially your last line.
Hi Carly, Honestly, I'm not stalking you. Your poem was posted I Write just before mine. So here I am again, but this time in more familiar territory for me, I'm reviewing your Specters Rise.
First impression, all I needed was the photo. Who wouldn't read on?
The neat quatrains made up of rhymed couplets almost seem to want to hang on to some kind of control amid the chaos of the dream. I loved the cross rhyme in the first stanza. The meter is even and rhythmic, no stumbling here unless it is in an attempt to escape the darkness. The repetition of Specters to begin each stanza gave the poem an inescapable feel, like they just keep coming.
I loved the spooky darkness of this poem. Nice writing.
Well, here I am again, I'm going to have to read this novel when it is finished. But for now, I am reviewing for I Write.
As I said in my last review, I know nothing about writing novels. I can only comment as a reader. I saw nothing technically wrong however the development of the character did strike me as rushed after "Wait I did." Before I was in "her" skin, I felt what she felt. After those words, it was if someone was giving me the cliff note version.
I have no way to fix it other than to take more time, let the reader see her make physical changes. She also went from an innocent nerdy girl with a crush, who I could empathize with to calculating, vindictive, mean bitch who I had no connection with.
un: 
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