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176
176
Review of Wheel of Fortune  
for entry "January 22.2020
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Ridinghhood, Thank you for entering your Water Birds in the haibun round for the Oriental Poetry Contest. I really enjoy reading your work.

The haibun is pretty straight forward, prose followed by a haiku. The tricky part is the prose and haiku should be on different planes. You seem to have done that almost. There is still a clear connection between the egret and the water birds you pray for in the prose. I wonder if the prose were less direct as to what the prayer was focused on. Just a thought. Edits are allowed through the 30th. I will reread and reassess on the 31st before judging. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest. It is your poem.

I love the line "psalm in motion" , it is quite beautiful.

I connect with the concept, lovely.

~~Tink



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177
177
Review of Contest Entries  
for entry "On fire
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Angelica, Thank you for entering the Oriental Poetry contest with your On Fire tribute to Australia's wildfire tragedy. Living through all too many wildfires here in northern California I can relate.

The Haibun on the surface is pretty straight forward, prose followed by a haiku, which you did. The tricky part is the prose and the haiku should be on different planes. You sort of did it. The two are pretty close but you make it switch up with the "snow".

I loved the flow of your prose, describing with efficiency and in concrete imagery, the devastation. You really encompass the whole picture in few words. Great writing.

I appreciate your taking on this subject within the parameters of the form.

~~Tink


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178
Review of Magic Moment  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Haha, a haibun with a sense of humor. Hi Beholden, I'm reviewing your Magic Moment for preparation in judging the Oriental Poetry Contest. Edits are accepted through the 30th. I will be rereading, reassessing and judging on the 31st.

The haibun on the surface is pretty straight forward, prose followed by a haiku. Which you did. The tricky part is the haiku should be on a different plane than the prose, not an extension of it. Your haiku included the dream image mentioned in the prose and the reality also mentioned in the prose. Different planes would be more like, sticking to the dream, staying in Africa, with no real sound of a dripping tap, the drip should be something like raindrops sliding off an elephant leaf or whatever that keeps the dream in Africa. This is just my opinion, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

I really enjoyed the humor in this piece. "courting frog mating call" is a great line. I wonder if it would be better in the prose portion though.

It is your poem, well written and fun.


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179
179
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Neva, Thank you for this entry in the Oriental Poetry Contest. I'm taking a closer look in preparation for judging later. I will come back on the last day of the contest to read and reassess for the final judging. Edits are allowed up until that time.

First impression, just glancing at the page and knowing your name, I knew the writing would be meticulous. I wasn't disappointed.

At first glance the haibun seems pretty simple, write prose and follow it with a haiku. Which you did. However, it gets a little tricky at the haiku since the haiku should be on a different plane than the prose. You sort of did that in that the prose describes how you read the scriptures, which was fascinating by the way. "enunciating each word". Now that is devotion and beautiful.

Then you switch gears for the haiku and address how the scripture was written. It is still talking about scripture in the same language. I loved the first line of your haiku, I could see it. But the 2nd line seems to just be an extension of the prose. I wanted it to say something like "calls to me from the stars" or something not so close or specific to the prose. This is just my opinion, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

This piece is beautiful as written. Thank you again for supporting this forum with your talent.



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180
180
Review of Time  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi rinsoxy, Thank you for entering your "Time" in the Oriental Poetry Contest. I am taking a closer look preparing for judging.

First impression, simple, straight forward, easy to read, nice imagery.

The Haibun seems pretty easy on the surface, you write in prose then follow up with a haiku, which you did. The tricky part is, the haiku should be metaphoric. It should not use the same words, phrases or subject matter as the prose. It should show the prose on a totally different plane. For haibun the images should reveal the core of the prose through different images, not just different words and frame. Although your haiku stayed pretty close to the subject matter of your prose, you did change it to images from nature and seasons. Almost to a separate plane.

"fleetingly seen" was difficult for me to wrap my brain around. It took me a while to get it. I wonder if instead, a substitute of something like "drifting" would be clearer?

Edits are allowed until the 30th, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.

So far, you have hit closer to the mark with your haibun than most others I've read here. Thank you.

~~Tink





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181
181
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Jay, Nice to see you posting again, you kind of disappeared from my radar for a while. Thanks for entering your haibun for the Oriental Poetry Contest. I always enjoy your writing.

The Haibun seems pretty easy on the surface, you write in prose then follow up with a haiku, which you did. The tricky part is, the haiku should be metaphoric. It should not use the same words, phrases or subject matter as the prose. It should show the prose in a totally different atmosphere. You talk about moving plants in your prose, then prune the same thing down to haiku proportions. The haiku should disclose the core of the prose through a different plane. Take another look at the example poems, in each the prose touches on writing in some way (which isn't necessary, just a coincidence..) but one haiku shows images of a forest trail, the other thunderbolts in the sky. A totally different plane from the prose.

This is really nice writing and taken separately, well done. Your haiku could and should stand alone. I wonder where you could take us with a different haiku

~~Tink









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182
182
Review of Last Laugh  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Beholden, You made it just under the wire. Thank you for not forgetting us and entering the Oriental Poetry Contest with your Kloang. It was worth waiting for.

It's an automatic defeat if you don't reach. You had nothing to worry about. You seem to have mastered the form with ease. Though I warn you the competition this round is fierce. Everyone brought their A game including you.

Your word choice were interesting Angkor Vat and Siam, truly taking us to the Orient. "cataclysm", I have to admit to looking up cataclysm, I hear 4 syllables but you are right it only 3.

Another good one, I'm beholden to you.

~~Tink





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183
183
for entry "The Debate
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Dave, You are the only brave soul to take on a second stanza, I'm impressed. Thank you for entering your "The Debate" in the Oriental Poetry Contest. I'm taking a closer look prepping to judge.

The Kloang has a complicated rhyme scheme with which you apparently had no trouble. I think the difficulty level scared off more than a few active poets.

Despite the restrictive syllable count and rhyme placement, you managed to create a poem with fluidity and clarity. A testament to your skill level.

The theme places the reader outside in a natural setting then throws in a little whimsey. Loved it. Your word choices "raucous" "debate" and "critiques" add depth. Internal rhyme, alliteration, bring a harmony of sound to the piece.

Thanks again for sharing this.

~~Judi









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184
184
Review of Happy Holidays  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Rinsoxy, I told you I'd return the favor. I'm reviewing your Happy Holidays. Haha, you avoided the holidays on the forbidden list but you found the loophole and switched over to Hanukkah. I believe you may have misspelled it though.

The short lines, quickly move from one image to another with the occasional rhymed couplet which works.

I really liked "festival of light,/ time resets" Honestly if it were mine, I would take lines 2 & 3 cold breezes / winter freezes, and move them to follow festival of lights / time resets.

This is how I see your poem, use what works for you and ignore the rest.

It's Hanukkah
festival of lights
time resets
cold breezes
winter freezes
nature sleeps
the sky weeps.
The Jolly man
comes again
presents too and fro
Whoa, reindeer Whoa.

I think the last two lines of your poem changes the mood and are unnecessary. But this is just my opinion. It's your poem. I'd have fun with it.

If you want more feedback on your work and are willing to take on a challenge for which you will not be judged, join us at the
FORUM
~ The Poet's Place Cafe~  (E)
A place for discussion on poetry, reviews, contests, etc.
#1937709 by Dave
There are twice weekly challenges that can help you grow as a poet. I am always stetching and learning.

~~Tink



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185
185
Review of I Write In 2020  
for entry "Canticle
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Carly, Following you at I Write, I am reviewing your uplifting Canticle.

This is a 24 Syllable entry but I count 25 syllables. I have recounted 3 times.

I love the idea behind this poem and with a casual read it is uplifting and filled me with joy. Taking a closer look:
         1. too many syllables easily corrected by eliminating "a" in L5.
(indent)2. L2, there is a little problem with syntax, it doesn't really make sense. instead of abound, maybe upward ?
         3. Your use of caps is confusing. If you are going to begin the lines in Caps, all need to be capped. If you are placing caps at the beginning of a new sentence, "Voices" should be capped and "filling" and "with" should not be capped. If you are capping important words a la Emily Dickinson, Canticle and Praise should probably be capped, maybe not filling and definitely not "with"

It is your poem, this is just my opinion. Use or ignore whatever is helpful to you.

Even after tearing it apart, I am so sorry, this poem makes me feel the joy. I like it.

~~Tink
.



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186
186
Review of Contest Entries  
for entry "Drawing
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Angelica, Thank again for entering your Drawing into the Oriental Poetry Contest. I am taking a closer look at your poem prepping to judge.

The Kloang is a restrictive form, dictating strict syllable count and a complicated rhyme scheme. Using an ancient form to inspire and create one of your own is how poetic form evolves. But this is a forms challenge and adhering to the specified elements of the original form is paramount. L1 through L3 should be 7 syllables only, L4 should be 9 syllables. Your poem is written with L1 & L2 9 syllables and L3 & L4 10 syllables. You actually mastered the complicated rhyme scheme in all but L4 where you are missing the cross rhyme at the 5th syllable. You have the basics, all you have to do is trim it up to fit the syllable count and play a little with L4 to slip in the "a" rhyme at the 5th syllable. Edits are allowed through the 14th, I begin judging on the 15th and will reread and reassess then.

I love the premise of the poem. I can almost see the lines sketching nature on the page. I would love to see what you can do with this in compliance with the Kloang.

I look forward to revisiting this on the 15th.

~~Tink



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187
187
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi ruwth, Thanks for giving the Kloang a try for the Oriental Poetry Contest. I'm taking a closer look at your Hungering for Yeshua in preparation for judging.

The Kloang is an apparently difficult challenge since we are well into the round and so far only 5 brave souls have stepped up and attempted to conquer the complicated rhyme pattern. But you didn't seem to have any problems with it. You nailed the syllable count and rhyme pattern and delivered.

I don't deliberately look for technical stuff like spelling, punctuation or syntax but when it jumps out at me, I can't ignore it. Your poem is just fine, although I think a comma after "Son", L4 would give the message more emphasis and clarity.

I really like this. Maybe because you used name "Yeshua" rather than Jesus, which I have always found pleasing to the ear.

I thought your word choices were unique and interesting even beyond the name Yeshua. "dun" "endure".

Thanks again for sharing this.

~~Tink


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188
188
Review of I Write In 2020  
for entry "Prescient Warnings
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Carly, Give me a moment, I have to look up "prescient". *Wink* I really did have to look it up. Sometimes these 24 syllable prompt words are really tough. In my opinion, this was one of the tougher ones. I'm following you at I Write and here I am to review.

My first impression has already stated above. Tough prompt, challenge accepted. It is this kind of word that sends me scurrying away. Congratulations courageous one. I'm not sure anyone could make "prescient" sound poetic. Now I feel challenged, but I may be out of time.

Being a 24 syllable challenge, of course, I count the syllables. At first count I got 25. Then i thought I had better listen to the word prescient which I counted as 3 syllables and you were right, in sound it is only 2 syllables.

The surprise phrase was "our us" at the end of L2. I thought "our" brought depth and changed a cliche to something to ponder.

Good job with this one.


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189
189
for entry "High Hopes
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Jeff, Here I am, right back at you. Following at I Write with my Week 2 entry and therefore taking a closer look at your High Hopes.

My first impression and thoughts were, "good to see Jeff again" and "this looks like an interesting read." The video opening set the mood nicely. The space on the page is inviting and gives the appearance of easy reading. Thank you, I hate dense pages of writing that make me feel like I must plow through.

This article, blog whatever is enlightening. It gives great insight into your persona and also sparks examination of my own. Nice.

I don't look for technical error unless it jumps off the page at me. First line, first sentence, " when the first", typo, I think you meant "when the{color:red}y first". Then 3rd your sentence, isn't a complete sentence. "This song, along with . . . ." what?

I thought your 6th paragraph, beginning "One of the podcasts I listened to this past year . . ." was fascinating, well expressed and right on the mark. I had never heard it verbalized so well.

Thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. Nice seeing your work again. I have to keep my eyes open.

~~Tink




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190
190
Review by Tinker
Rated: E | (5.0)
Yay, L.A., This short story should be enacted on Sesame Street. I loved it! A clever lesson in shape, color, and just life in general for the young and old alike.

I happened on the piece while checking out the Personification Contest. I saw the image and wondered "what the heck can I do with that"? I then saw there was one entry, yours. I opened it and read, and here I am.

I see no technical error although when reviewing I don't search for it. I only point it out if it jumps off the page at me. The organization and flow was logical and moved the piece to the final summation.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your short story. Thank you.

~~Tink


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191
191
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Oh my, tell us what you really think. Haha, thanks for submitting your poem to the Oriental Poetry Contest. I’m taking a closer look for judging.

The traditional Mongolian Meter has even lines of either 7 or 8 syllables each. Your syllable count ranges all over the place. Head rhyme refers to the first consonant of each line matching, I’m sorry if my initial description may have misled you. You did create rhyme in the first word of the line and that was good.

Because of the variable syllable count it kind of messes with your rhythm. I thought your front rhyme rather clever.

There is good humor in this piece. My favorite line is

nattering nabobs of negativity

Awesome line.

Thanks again for sharing your poem here.

~~Tink


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192
for entry "Blessed
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Dave, Nice holiday poem with a fresh perspective. Thanks for submitting it to the Oriental Poetry Contest. I’m taking a closer look.

You seemed to have no problem mastering the Traditional Mongolian Meter. What i was most impressed with was the easy flow of your lines.

The first line along with the alliteration give it a joyous feeling reflecting the season and yet the message goes deeper. “freedom to choose” gives the poem more meaning than just the ringing of bells. A lot is sid in this small poem. Nice work.

~~Tink


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193
193
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Neva, Your "Morning Coffee" gave me a chuckle. *Bigsmile* I'm taking a closer look at your poem for the Oriental Poetry Contest. Thanks for continuing to come back and participate always with high quality writing.

You met the elements of the Traditional Mongolian Meter as interpreted from my description of the form and the poem will be judged accordingly. However for the future, Head rhyme is alliterative, it is consonant rhyme at the beginning of the line which I did say in the first sentence my directions. Then I think I muddy the waters by adding an observation that the first syllable is often seen as head rhyme. I didn't clarify that though the first syllable is often seen as head rhyme, I meant the first consonant and vowel are often demonstrated as head rhyme. Meaning Flavor and Favor at the beginning of the line are head rhymed but in a rhyme scheme of aaaa, they do not rhyme with Savor and Saver. The definition of head rhyme can be confusing and giving a succinct definition is tricky. I am sorry my definition in the directions may have misled you. I guess I will have to go back to edit my original definition and add to the 2nd line, "Although still alliterative,". You are not the only one to have been misled and the variance will not be faulted in the judging. These Forms challenges don't just expose participants to new forms they are also a challenge to me to describe or explain the forms in a manner that will be properly understood. A learning process for all.

As I began this review, and just rereading your piece now, your poem brings a smile to my face. I sip my first cup of coffee this morning and totally relate to your words.

This is a very simple piece and yet your 2nd line elevates it. The mention of Columbian blends adds a thought out of the sing-songy every day descriptions of coffee (Oh so many coffee poems, including a few of my own.) But yours suggests a heightened taste. A touch with more depth which is necessary in a poem so small. A testament to your writing skills.

I enjoyed beginning my day with your little piece.



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194
Review of Mongolian Eulogy  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Beholden, Thank you for this ambitious, interesting, entry to the Oriental Poetry Contest. I am taking a closer look to observe a master's work.

Apparently, the Traditional Mongolian Meter challenged you to not only to write using the prescribed elements but also has inspired the content which I found fascinating. I love it when an allusion to the history of the form is embraced.

Just a technical note for the future: head rhyme is an alliterative rhyme, which is consonant rhyme. So technically your 3rd and 4th stanzas don't quite hit the bar. But because of different sources out there muddying the waters regarding the definition of head rhyme, your consistency and first syllable rhyme work for this contest.

The rhythm is fluid, the word choices made me believe the speaker was a comrade in arms of the great leader.
My favorite lines:
"reflecting ever empty skies,
resounding with bow’s sweet rebound."

I could hear the arrows singing through the air. I loved the imagery.

Well just in case you can't tell from my previous statements, I was impressed with your offering and truly enjoyed reading.

~~Tink





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195
Review of Lucid Drops  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Rhychus, You are back with another keeper. Thank you for entering your Lucid Drops in Round 61 at the Oriental Poetry Contest. You have a real knack for adapting the Asian forms.

You seem to have conquered the Traditional Mongolian Meter with ease. Head rhyme appears to have given you no problem. The poem flows well with 8 syllables pers line. The poem is full of alliteration. The quatrains contain their own thought unit but are connected. Nicely done.

There is so much good in this one but my favorite lines are:

Driven wet waves refract rainbow
dreams to color our destiny.

I have to admit I stuggle a little with

expression from which we withdraw
excuses peers call poetry.

I'm wondering if a common is needed at the end of withdraw? Meaning - the excuses peers call poetry are expressions from which we withdraw? Are you saying peers write bad poetry? I may come back to this because it isn't making sense to me right now.

Other than that one area, I love the sounds and idea behind this piece. I am grateful for your continued participation.

~~Tink







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196
196
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Frigid, I don't know how I have missed reviewing your work before here at I Write, but I am now reviewing your, If I Was Afraid of the Dark as my extra and last review for I Write 2019.

Written in tercets with a refrain, the frame fits the content.

The rhythm of the piece is moved forward by the refrain. The poem flows with and easy cadence. I liked the way the refrain alternated from the first line of one tercet to the last line of the next tercet then repeating the pattern in subsequent stanzas.

The word choices were simple and effective. Your meaning clear.

My favorite line is the refrain, it is lyrical.

I enjoyed reading your work. Thanks,

~~Tink


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197
197
for entry "O Coffee Tree
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What fun Neva, I followed you at I Write and had to pleasure of reading your O Coffee Tree, smiling all of the way.

I could hear the melody played in the background as I read your piece. You kept the rhythm of the original song and added a very fun twist to it.

Technically, I think you have a typo L5 tell / 'til.

My favorite line "The whole world worships your dark brew"

Thanks for brightening my day. I think I'll now pour myself a cup.

~~Tink


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198
for entry "Haiku #2/11/2019
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Dave, Nice haiku, I love the concept of breath in breath out. Thank you for entering your haiku in Round 60 at the Oriental Poetry Contest.

You have a nice flow while including the 3 units and avoiding unnecessary syllables. I wonder if you broke the second line after to, something like

breath in breath out
gathering wind to
sail life’s rivers

Just thinking out loud, but it seems more Ah ha in my mind. Use what you find helpful, ignore the rest.

I really like your haiku.

~~Tink


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199
199
Review of Haiku/Senryu  
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Yes it is. Good one Rhychus. I think you got it, you old dog you. Thank you for entering this poem in the Oriental Poetry Contest.

Your haiku has me smiling. Ah yes the dream, to master the art and you have done it well. Not much I can say, condensed, concrete, clear and enlightening. What more can I ask for?

~~Tink


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200
200
Review by Tinker
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Neva, Nice opening fragment, short, vivid, concrete image. Thanks for returning to the Oriental Poetry Contest.

You get it, your haiku flows well and communicates your message.

You use no filler words and it fits into your on going theme that is informative. Your last line is an abstract. I wonder if you had a more concrete image to show unity. Just a thought.

Your haiku, as usual, is well written.

~~Tink
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