Hi Neva, I've chosen your yummy "Thanksgiving Dinner" for my extra review at I write, partly because I know I will get a quality read.
This is a very simple poem written in 24 syllables with the prompt "chestnuts" which as usual you mastered.
It has a touch of sadness, it is written with nostalgia, Grandma is in the past. No more blessing from the chestnuts in the cornbread dressing. Too bad. Did she not pass down the recipe? Traditions are lost through time. I know I prepare Thanksgiving the same way my grandmother did. But I'm afraid, though I've tried to involve my granddaughters in the process they look at me and say, but grandma why go through all of that work when we can buy a good pie? They admit, my pies from scratch are better than store bought, but they don't want to put forth the effort to learn. Store bought will be OK after I've stopped baking. Until then, can't wait to have a piece of your pie, Grandma.
I ramble but that is what I gleaned from your small poem. A loss of a fond tradition. Too bad but you express it well.
Hi Kieth, This is quite a collection in one day. #1 won 2nd place congratulations. #2 could be considered a senyru
I enjoyed reading all of them although some could use more tweaking, I would have to take them one at a time, which is beyond me right now. Remember I am not an expert nor an authority, I'm a student of the art and I am passing on what I have learned. It is easier to say what is wrong with one than to write one.
I notice they are all locked in at 5/7/5 which is OK but you don't want to make it a habit. My favorite of the bunch is a modern haiku
#12
Choked by autumn growth
a lone rose goes unnoticed
since the landlord's death.
May I make a couple of suggestions? Line 2 Exchange "one" for "a" the number is more specific than a generic "a", and "grows" for "goes". again more specific image versus a more abstract image. I know "goes unnoticed" is a common phrase and that is another reason not to use it.
That is all I have for now. I am thrilled you are looking into this art, you will only get better and better the more you read, assimilate and practice.
Hi Dave, Thanks for submitting this cozy, Winter haiku to the Oriental Poetry Contest. I’m taking a closer look in order to make selections for this round’s winners.
The traditional haiku proved much harder to write than many thought it would. You seemed to have no trouble mastering the concept that the image should come from nature and there needed be a reference to a season.
i love your 2nd line, I could see the dance in my mind.
Your last line, while logical and clear, tells us rather than providing a juxtaposed image that shows us. To take it to the next level, it could read something like: toes warmed at the hearth. Just another perspective.
Next round will be a modern haiku, I hope you give it a try.
Hi Rhychus, Beautiful! I'm taking a closer look at your haiku #1 for the Oriental Poetry Contest. After reading this dazzling haiku I hope you continue to write haiku add many more numbers to your haiku journal. I'd be a fan.
This Round asked for a traditional haiku which included concrete imagery from nature and reference to a season. You managed both with ease. You use 2 kidai, first snow = early winter and gilded leave = late fall, nice.
The image of your 2nd line is amazing. The gold, dusted with white snow is ethereal.
Suggestion: To bring it to the next level, your last line tells the reader what to think. The Ah ha moment should be a juxtaposed image that draws the enlightenment forward through another concrete image. This is where haiku graduates from a simple small poem to an art form and is the most difficult element.
You have a real talent for imagery, I truly enjoy reading your work.
Hi Ridinghhood, Your imagery in this haiku is spectacular. I'm taking a closer look at it for the Oriental Poetry Contest, Round 59, "traditional" haiku.
The form requested was to go back to the root of haiku and write a "traditional" haiku including concrete imagery from nature and reference to a season. As I said previously, the imagery is spot on, better than spot on. But where is a seasonal reference?
"aerial roots reach downward" especially from a banyan, I can feel the tree reaching strong and deep into the earth. Awesome image and extension of that image.
Your last line tells us what to feel or think. To take it to the next level, the Ah ha moment should offer an juxtaposed image that draws that thought organically.
So many think of haiku as a simple, small, syllabic poem. But the art of haiku is difficult and demanding. It is so much more than a simple, small syllabi poem and with this imagery of your first two lines, you are well on your way.
Hi Ruwth, Brrrr, thank you for joining Round 59 at the Oriental Poetry Contest which this chilly traditional haiku. I'm taking a closer look as part of the judging process.
I asked for a traditional haiku and you delivered. Concrete images, seasonal references all in 17 syllables.
I loved the last line, it took the chill away. Safe and warm inside.
Suggestions: The images you use are common for parts of the world in winter. (not my part of the world, snow is rare here) For future haiku consider this to take your haiku to the next level. Haiku asks for a breath in a moment. Your imagery, like in many, many poems, is very broad and unfocused. I kind of compare it to National Geographic photographs showing the most minute detail and bringing the observer to a finite moment.
Snow is a winter kigai, seasonal reference. But the art of haiku asks even more, it asks for the crystals in the snow flake.
I only offer these ideas as food for thought. It is your haiku. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
Hi Neva, Thank you for continuing to accept the challenges at Oriental Poetry Contest. The standard of your work is an inspiration to any who read it.
I asked for a traditional haiku and you didn't disappoint. The clarity of your imagery is focused, your 2nd line reminded me of when I packed into the Sierra's wilderness area on horseback. I felt I was in those clouds.
I believe your reference to the season is a little vague. In the high mountains, even summer mornings are cold. Though the grizzlies don't hibernate in summer.
Hi SugarCube, I chose your Little Willie for my extra credit review at I write. So many of us have trouble with these little poems because of the satirical, mean spirited twist. You seemed to find your way there. Although it is usually Willie that does the dirty deed. I liked that you had an old hag turned the tables on him.
Form: Little Willies are written with small rhymed frames written in accentual verse with 4 stresses per line. Your first 3 lines do just that and your last line has a good rhythm so I would leave it alone. But technically your last line only has 3 stresses. "And she gave him a rotting spleen! Read it out loud and you will hear the stresses. As I already said, it is a great punchline with a good rhythm so I would not change it. I just thought I'd get technical and point it out.
You will have to try a Bagarthach someday. They have the same twisted humor but no "Little Willie" to include and the frame is syllabic rather than accentual.
Hi Mastiff, Following you at I Write, propelled me to read and review your interesting anecdote, "Bill's Here". Now, this is an encounter most of us would remember, regardless of party affiliation. And say what one will about "Bill", no one would question his intellect or charisma. I felt thrilled at the prospect of having such a moment.
You set up the circumstance quite well, giving the reader the background needed to experience the full impact of your story without boring us to death with the details of the setup. How you got there, your maturity level, and even the circus that surrounded that particular celebrity.
There are a few technical bobbles you might want to look at and in my opinion, fix.
The 2nd sentence "at being at", I don't know if this grammatically incorrect or not but it sounded awkward to me and made me go back and read again to be sure I was reading it right. Maybe "of being at" would be a better transition?
2nd paragraph, first word "Ever" typo or typeless, I think you meant "Every".
The last sentence of the 2nd paragraph needs a transition from the general description of what you would do to escape the young bucks and the description of where you would go to "I'd just sat". The needed transition might be, "On one such occasion, I'd just sat" The I'd just sat was no longer a generality but the beginning of the story.
4th paragraph, "I didn’t have a view from the library, but they enjoyed sunning themselves in the nude by the lake." Well, I am sure they weren't popping out of the cars in the nude, so why, just because you didn't have a view of the lake from the library did you assume they would enjoy sunning themselves in the nude? Maybe rather than "I didn't have a view", you introduced the nude sunbathing comment with something like "I was told later" or "I happened on them later" Hmmm, I wonder what Hillary thought of him taking mini-vacations with gorgeous nude sunbathers? And yet he also enjoyed talking literary subjects in the library with a stranger, another peak into his character. Complex or very simple man.
The bobbles are just my opinions, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
I did enjoy reading this, and though the reader should never assume the narrator of the story is the writer, I did read this as your experience and I was thrilled at that prospect. Very cool.
Hi Mastiff, I followed you at I Write and I'm reviewing your Vignette. This was a troubling piece, I could feel the tension as I read it.
I don't look for technical error unless it jumps out at me, I saw no problems with punctuation, spelling, syntax, etc.
The piece moves smoothly and word choices create an ominous situation. I do wonder about his injuries, are they of the mind, body or spirit or all of the above? I wasn't sure from what I read.
This is a depressing slice of life that ends almost hopelessly.
Hi Dave, Thank you for once again supporting the Oriental Poetry Contest with a well crafted poem. I'm looking closer at your poem for the contest and it just gets better and better.
The rhythm is fluid. The word choices interesting. mausoleum / hapless /cadaver / whisperer / code ; not your usual spooky fare.
I have no suggestions for improvement.
My favorite is the last phrase. It was a surprise and yet it made sense. Awesome.
Oooh another gem from the pen of Neva! Thank you for sharing "A Poet's Prayer Answered" at the Oriental Poetry Contest.
You certainly mastered the elements of the Imayo and took full advantage of the longer lines. Your poem has an even compelling rhythm. Your words echo in my mind as I read them out loud.
I can find no fault in your presentation and your content totally suits the frame.
I especially loved your opening line, "Atoms of the air vibrate, echoing my words"
You are a skillful writer with much to say. Again, thank you for sharing your work with us.
Happy Birthday Month! You certainly lay claim to the month with this wonderful Imayo. Thank you for entering it in the Oriental Poetry Contest.
The Imayo allows for fluid lines and you took advantage of the element. The frame suits the poem.
I loved the word imagery you utilized, this wasn't just another "fall poem". morning glory sky, mangrove leaves excrete salt tears. Awesome. L3 is my favorite.
The rhythm of the last line is a little awkward to my ear, can I suggest you tweek it a little, something like, "come follow me, I'm a queen or I'm the queen . . . . I think that small switch would improve the rhythm, but it is just my opinion. Use what you find helpful, ignore the rest. It is your poem.
I found this poem interesting and it touched me. I want to celebrate with you. My best friend, long ago, suggested we celebrate our birthday months rather than day. That way we would be celebrating in some way, everyday. Enjoy each moment of your celebration. More poems like this are a good way to begin.
Hi Jay, Thanks for taking on another Oriental Poetry Contest challenge.
Technically, have the Imayo with the long line broken by caesura element mastered. However, reading your poem out loud, the lines breaks are so abrupt they cause the poem to be a little choppy. One phrase though paused should fluidly flow into the other.
I have to admit, your thought progress loses me a bit. It seems disjointed somehow. I have no suggestions on how to fix it other than for you to read it out loud and think of ways you might smooth it out a little. You've rewritten before so I trust if you hear it as I do, the next time I come to read this poem it will be quite different. Please, this is your poem, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
I like the idea behind the poem and love the phrase "Coolish breath brings happiness"
Hi Jake, I couldn't find your Imayo Poem in the entries of your Poems for Poetry Challenge so I'm including it my review of your "Last Man on Earth Walking Down a Dirt Road" which is not an Imayo and doesn't qualify for the Round 58 at the Oriental Poetry Contest. So I'm ignoring that poem and am reviewing the poem you posted as a reply to the Round 58 Challenge.
Imayo poem
the very last man on earth, is walking alone
down a muddy country path, alone in his thoughts
sees a lone store with a flag, stops by for coffee
drinking his coffee alone, the ghosts whispering
This poem is an Imayo, you worked within the frame perfectly. Your lines are broken by caesura in exactly the right place and they read with a nice rhythm and clarity. Awesome.
Could it be taken to another level, I think so. For example, you use the word "alone" 3 times in this very short poem which is usually not recommended because it seems redundant. I think you should consider finding a substitute word for at least one of the "alone" s. Something like, The very last man on earth, walks in solitude. This is just my opinion, use what you think helpful ignore the rest.
This starts out an image of a lone man walking, but then the imagery gets more interesting, the country path, a flag on the store, stopping for coffee and best of all the surprising last phrase that brings us back to the first phrase, he isn't just a lonely man, he is the only man, with only ghosts for company. Nice writing.
Hello Rhychus, Thanks for returning to the Oriental Poetry Contest for another challenge. Challenge is probably the wrong word here, your poem "Every Pleasure I Destroy" reads as if it easily rolled off your tongue and onto the page without any effort at all. The rhythm and rhyme are like the lyrics to a song.
The Imayo with its longer lines and Kabuki connection is the perfect frame for your words. You write like a master.
This isn't just a little jingle, your content is interesting and opens the mind to think on your words. Especially your last line.
Hi Carly, Honestly, I'm not stalking you. Your poem was posted I Write just before mine. So here I am again, but this time in more familiar territory for me, I'm reviewing your Specters Rise.
First impression, all I needed was the photo. Who wouldn't read on?
The neat quatrains made up of rhymed couplets almost seem to want to hang on to some kind of control amid the chaos of the dream. I loved the cross rhyme in the first stanza. The meter is even and rhythmic, no stumbling here unless it is in an attempt to escape the darkness. The repetition of Specters to begin each stanza gave the poem an inescapable feel, like they just keep coming.
I loved the spooky darkness of this poem. Nice writing.
Well, here I am again, I'm going to have to read this novel when it is finished. But for now, I am reviewing for I Write.
As I said in my last review, I know nothing about writing novels. I can only comment as a reader. I saw nothing technically wrong however the development of the character did strike me as rushed after "Wait I did." Before I was in "her" skin, I felt what she felt. After those words, it was if someone was giving me the cliff note version.
I have no way to fix it other than to take more time, let the reader see her make physical changes. She also went from an innocent nerdy girl with a crush, who I could empathize with to calculating, vindictive, mean bitch who I had no connection with.
Hi Dave, I'm reviewing your, "In the Navy", for the Oriental Poetry Contest.
The Malaysian Pantun, so different from the French version "Pantoum" can be deceptively difficult. What can be easier than equal length lines and rhyme abab? But it is the complete and separate couplets that mess most up. You had no problem with it.
The rhythm and flow, the word choices, though simple, were in perfect unison.
This short little poem is uplifting and inspiring. It made me want to say, Thank you for your service.
Oh no Neva, It is had to believe you have ever had writer's block. Even mid block your skill shines. I'm reviewing your "Poet's Nighmare for the Oriental Poetry Contest.
The Malaysian Pantun elements were easily met by your attempt. Many missed the "complete couplet" element. You have two distinct couplets, shadow and meaning.
The rhythm and flow of your words communicate smoothly.
Word choice are lyrical and logical.
I can make no suggestion for improvement.
Thank you for continuing to support this contest with quality entries.
Hi Beholden, I'm reviewing your "crew" poem for the Oriental Poetry Contest. Very appropriate for the origins of the form.
The Malaysian Pantun verse form gives latitude in the syllable count as long as the lines are equal. You took full advantage of that. Your rhyme is spot on, when many overlook that in English, the rhyme is on the stressed syllable, you did not. The form does require 2 complete couplets almost divorced from one another in content. Your poem is technically a tetratstich without stanza break rather than a tetrastich made up of two complete couplets. Almost the entire poem is about the physical action of the rowers where with a shift where each couplet contains a separate thought unit, the first couplet would focus on the rowers and the 2nd couplet would be about the race. I'm thinking out loud here, but an example would be:
The creaking oarlocks, the blades are driving,
in unison set, strong backs are bending.
Race faces concentrate, ambitions striving,
skimming the surface, water rending.
This is just me, playing with your poem to try and show you the shift in thought that the form inspires. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
Your word choices are logical and clear. Articles such as "the" are throwaway words, you could easily enhance your image by substituting "strong" or "strained" or what ever in L2.
I loved that you used rowing as an inspiration for your poem.
Yikes, I was hoping for a haiku or something equally as short and I followed your Day 5 Contest entry at I Write instead.
Hi Carly, No matter, once i started reading I was hooked. This is a beautifully written insight into a difficult period in a young girl’s life.
I felt empathy for her from the beginning and continued to read to make sure she was going to be OK.
Technically, I can’t really help with the craft of writing a novel. I know NOTHING. As a reader, there was word that seemed to be used a lot in one section and it sounded too pronounced to me. “wee” was used at least 3 times in the space of 2 or 3 lines. Maybe substituting “little” or “tiny” in one or two places would sound less forced or artificial? Also 2nd to last paragraph “too” not “to” melancholy.
I actually enjoyed reading your “long” entry. I’m glad I followed you at I Write.
Hi Rhychus, This was interesting. I am reviewing your “Battle Stations” for the Oriental Poetry Contest.
The Malaysian Pantun, a tetrastich in equal length lines and alternate rhyme which is a pretty common frame. I thought it different that you chose 9 syllable lines, not so common but within the parameters of the form. The small poem was originally meant to send some kind of message. Yours is more a description of the mechanics of war. The separation of the 2 couplets, the viewpoint of a soldier in training or waiting and then the Battle commands coming from an officer works well.
The flow is a little jerky but it fits the content.
Word choices were unique. i’m not sure i totally understood the last line other than as a code name for a battle plan. The rhyme drudgery / dungarees is unique and interesting.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.45 seconds at 2:55pm on Apr 18, 2024 via server web1.
| (4.5)
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "