Hi Naomi, Your A Room With a View popped up on Read and Review and I am here to share my thoughts.
The title piqued my curiosity, inviting me to read. I'm not a big fan of long poems so if I were not already committed to reviewing, I probably would not have taken the time to read. Just a FYI, most contests limit the number of lines acceptable to 40 especially here at WDC.
The frame, I began addressing this in my first impression. A poem in 74 lines made up of 2 octaves,2 septets, an octave, a septet, an octave, a septet, a sixain, and an octave. In that order. The first 2 octaves display a pattern of long/short, long/short, long/short, long/short lines with staggered sequential rhyme. xaxaxbxb xcxcxcxc x being unrhymed. The pattern has a nice rhythm and is pleasant musical sound and is attractive to the eye. After that the pattern seems to be abandoned and the timing is thrown off a bit. S3 long/long/short, long/short, long/short. L3, L5, L7 rhyme xxdxdxd x being unrhymed. S4 long/long/short/long/long/long/long rhyme exexfxfx x being unrhymed. As if you tried to maintain the pattern but couldn't quite get it done. And now a different pattern seems to be employed. By the way, for future, in English rhyme is on the accented syllable therefore, city and only do not rhyme. city and pity rhyme, but we see this technical error all of the time on the internet. I don't mean to be critical, I usually comment on content, only on how you crafted this piece.
I think if you had stuck to the original pattern and possibly condensed some of the content this could have had more impact. Walt Whitman said "condense, condense, condense".
This whole thing is just the opinion of one. If I didn't see the potential of this poem I would have passed over it entirely. This is your poem, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
I think the premise of this piece is really quite interesting and the beginning pattern is impressive.
~~Tink |