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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tobe1987
Review Requests: OFF
444 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I am going to be working on my reviews being more thorough in the coming weeks. I am honest and love to give positive feed back.
Favorite Genres
Drama, Spiritual, Romance, family
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
short stories
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 ... Next
1
1
Review of Write Your Books  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello! I am reviewing your story as part of the Gift Bag activity for the Birthday Bash this year.

I liked how this was a conversation you were having with yourself. We are our biggest critics and we can talk ourselves in and out of things easily. With 2017 coming close to being over, have you accomplished any of what you have set out to do? I hope you have at least come closer to it.

I see nothing for improvement and hope you had a productive year! If not, you still have plenty of time.
2
2
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
I have always been interested in mythology and 'gods'. While I am a Catholic, I enjoy reading books about them. Not so much 'stories' as one like this but more 'historic' or 'origin' story.


*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
You have many elements in your story. Many different gods and goddesses alike. I have never hear of Huitzilopochtli before, but he seems a 'nice' god.


*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*
I have a few grammatical suggestions that have possibly just been an oversight or simply a lack of editing. I know I tend to just write something and leave it alone for sometime. Anyway, you added a period between the words Mount Olympus. There is also a comma along with a period toward the end of the story.
"Loki and his son, Fenrir leave the meeting. It does not match with the rest of the story. It should say "...Fenrir left the meeting."


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
I am interested to see if you add to this story. Does Loki come back for a vengeance for what he thinks should be his? Maybe an all out war between the gods happens? If you do decide to continue, I would love to continue to read it.

Keep writing!

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones" and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

~Stephanie

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3
3
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
I have not read a story like this in some time. I was interested as soon as Henry inhaled the serum what would happen. At first I thought he would turn into a large rat or something. I like the way it played out better.


*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
You have some great characters here. You wrote a love story in your paranormal one. How it must have been for everyone to see a ghost! I also found the story like a horror one for Gertie because, while she loved her husband to be and no doubt the death of Henry was a tragedy in itself, he had basically told her he was going to haunt her. I'm not sure I would want anyone haunting me, not even my husband.
Another thing I liked, when he goes to stand after waking up and it is mentioned that his body was heavy; I couldn't put two and two together that he was dead or dying and he finally left his body behind.


*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*
I have no suggestions on this story.


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
You did well with this story. You have memorable characters and a wonderful plot line for such a short story, your win in the contest was well deserved.

Keep writing!

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones" and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

~Stephanie

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4
4
Review of Upgrade  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
I chose this story to review because of your short yet intriguing description. I may not be a conspiracy theorist to the extreme, but it does make me wonder. I have also become a scifi-reader after all these intense stories I have been reading this morning


*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
This was good from start to finish. I enjoyed your characters and the way everything flowed so well, there was no reaching for the next thing to come, it was introduced beautifully. Also, I didn't realize until I was writing this review, but a lot of people weren't at work because of the alien. Ah ha! ( I can be slow at times *Laugh* )



*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*
There is only one small thing I would change. At the beginning when the voice first speaks to our main character I think you should create a new paragraph after that. I know, kind of petty but it's really the only thing I could find.


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
I would love to read more of this story. I would also like to know if these people are CIA or what. I know they must be some kind of government employees but it's not known exactly what kind.

Keep writing!

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones" and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

~Stephanie

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5
5
Review of Impious Hearts  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
I chose your story to review because, as a newbie, it's important to get feedback to help grow and learn.


*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
I was intrigued half-way through the story. I was a big fan of Star Trek back when I was a teenager and still a fan of Star Wars today. It takes me back to the crew of the Enterprise.


*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*
This could just be my point of view, but the beginning was rather boring to me. I know some of the things are important to know but going through every thing the ship can do and it's technical wording can be rather daunting, to read and to write. I would suggest spreading it out a bit. When people read scifi they expect the action you brought towards the end of the story.
There was only one grammatical error which is probably an oversight but the sentence:
"When the holo-display was, on..." The comma should go after the word on.


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
You did a good job with characters and writing the action scene. It made me want to read more and find out what happens to the crew. I think if you just tweak the beginning a little bit it would be something everyone would want to read!

Keep writing!

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones" and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

~Stephanie

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6
6
Review of My Uncle John  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
How sad and horrible life must be to lose your love.

*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
It was written beautifully. My favorite part being the end. It's an odd kind of favorite, you are happy and relieved for John as somehow he had been met by his late wife at the spot she had went missing from. Then again, you are saddened because here is a man who couldn't see past his sadness and heartbreak to what his life could be like. Sure, it's hard to go on but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes it is just farther away.

*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*
The only thing that bothers me as a writer is when people start sentences with the word 'but'. It's just not right. However, it can be overlooked.


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
I thought this was a good story about how powerful love can be and how you should not let it control you. While the ending is romantic in a Romeo and Juliet kind of way, it is still sad all the same.
I also wonder if this is a real story. Did your uncle really go drown himself where his wife was apparently lost? I know most stories are our fictional minds but it seems like by the description and the title it would be based on some fact.

Keep writing!

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones" and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

~Stephanie

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7
7
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
I was expecting to read something semi-political. I knew that 'back in the day' many slave owners would have children with their slaves and I thought Jefferson was one but I never had the interest to look it up.


*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
-You did your research for this story, that's for sure.
-I enjoy learning new words as I read. It makes me feel like I am justifying all the time I spend on it. Manumission was a word I hadn't yet come across.
-My favorite line in the story that has some depth to it and can mean so much for so many people is " He didn't understand some chains were invisible".
-This story has to make you wonder if he indeed freed their children out of love.


*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*
None. Your stories are impeccable.


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
I enjoyed this story and as soon as I was done reading it I went to look it up to see if your story was based in fact. When I did it's amazing what you can learn! You used so much from their time together almost as if this scene was plucked from real life. I am still curious as to why he didn't free Sally though. Thank you for the story and the history lesson.

Keep writing!

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones" and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

~Stephanie

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8
8
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
I read and reviewed this story because it was showcased on my newsfeed.


*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
I was drawn in to this story very deeply. I couldn't stop reading it, I read every word and felt like I was in the story. Now, I can't relate to this probably as well as others can but how can it not take you back to your school years.
When I was in school I loved Savage Garden. Not a lot of people where I live listen to them (except of course the songs that made it to TRL). Now as an adult I must admit, I don't listen to music that often. In the car I like silence because the rest of my life is so hectic I like the silence. Maybe I should listen to it more, it is so inspiring.


*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*
I don't know what Weetabix ix, but I'm sure to look it up as soon as I finish this review. Also, I'm not sure why you say "...forced violently through the hair" instead of 'my hair' but I'm assuming it's not a typo as you repeated the phrase. It just doesn't seem natural to me.


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
I am a big fan of this story and it was much deserving of your beautiful awardicon. I plan to listen to music that inspires me and maybe some cheesy classics as well.

Keep writing!

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones" and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

~Stephanie

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9
9
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
I love Spring! I think that's why I chose this particular poem to read and review. Winter is definitely not the most fun time. There is always sickness and it's cold and grey and yuck! Spring seems to wash all of that away and give to a new year.

*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
I am no good at writing poems. I can't think outside the box. I love all the different metaphors you use and all the scenarios. It makes for some great poetry.
My favorite line is:
"Popping up with greens in sunlit hours." - So visual here. I can see every line you wrote and can incorporate it into my own life, I think we have all been there to see the poor worms popping up out of the ground when it rains.


*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*
The only reason I didn't give this poem a five star is because I am not a fan of ending a sentence in the poem in the middle of a line. I'm sure it's probably a type of poetry like free verse (that's really the only one I know), it's just my personal preference.


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
This poem put a smile on my face as summer is coming to a close. I know my heart will ache for this muddy, dirty time of year soon. Oh, I thought your use of color and your sig at the bottom was cute too.

Keep writing!

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones" and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

~Stephanie

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10
10
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
This story interests me as I used to be into the Pokémon came when I was a little younger.


*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
You seemed to have captured much knowledge on your own about these different kind of pokemon. It is good to do your research no matter what you are writing about, whether it be fiction or non-fiction.

*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*
The first thing I noticed that needs fixed is the summary. It says "Pokemawn fanfic"
I'm not sure if it is a typo or it tried to auto correct the word Pokémon or maybe it's a word I'm not familiar with in the Pokémon world. Anyway, it looks odd.
When you say "not known" When talking about staying up late to study just use the word 'unknown' it sounds better.



*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
I thought this was an engaging story. Even though I think I got it now, I wasn't sure if this was like an in-depth game or if it was actually set in the Pokémon universe.
You did 'hook' me with this story and I would like to find out what happened after they went on chase for the missing Pokémon. That is part of what makes writers great, is who wants to keep writing and who doesn't care. Good job.

Keep writing!

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones" and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

~Stephanie

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11
11
Review of A DIET OF NEGLECT  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
I chose to read and review this since I have been working on my own diet.


*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
There is a message to be taken from this poem. You can't claim to take care of yourself if you do not eat correctly. I didn't for years and thought it was okay, that I wasn't that out of shape, but I was. I don't think people realize how better they would feel if they cut their sugar in half, if they omitted sodas and candy bars.
My favorite line of your poem is:
"To protect our own health we
Must our diet protect."- So many people think because one aspect of their life is healthy, they are in total health, that is not so.



*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*
I have no suggestions, your poem flowed well and I saw no grammatical or punctuation mistakes.


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
I liked how you added your format at the end of the poem. I have taken the class on poetry here on WDC and it's still nice to get a little help when doing these reviews. Poetry is not my strong area.
I know this is an old poem and I'm not sure if you are still on here as an active member but being a doctor I wouldn't imagine so. Thank you for your insight.

Keep writing!

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones" and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

~Stephanie

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12
12
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
This was a very informfative piece.


*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
You did some good research when you wrote this article.
Dandelion tea is something I never heard of helping anyone. How very interesting and informative. I have added it on my grocery list to try out. I buy all my tea in the organic section at my grocery store. I think tea has a great place in modern medicine. When I was nursing I drank Mother's Tea and I thought it worked wonders!


*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*
There are a couple of places in your writing that need some addressing. It flowed very well and all your research was backed up but there are some issues I addressed below.
"Too tired to breath(e)"
"I Will JUST NOT LIE DOWN" You have it in all capital letter except the word Will. This should be uniformed.
Super - not supper
Need to cut out meat? - "need to cut on meat."


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
Except for those few points that need edited it was a wonderful article. If you reread it you will be able to hear the mistakes as well as see them. I learned something from reading this and hopefully other people get something out of this too.

Keep writing!

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones" and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

~Stephanie

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13
13
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
Oh I have been to my share of Emergency Rooms for myself and my family.

*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
I hope this wasn't a real story because I would be so mad.
The woman reminds me of an older lady I work with, she recently broke her knee cap but she never wants fussed over. She most certainly would not walk down to the x-ray room though *Laugh*
You captured doctors and nurses to a T. They try to have good bedside manor (for the most part) but other times they are just awful and you can tell they just want you in and out so they can go home. Basically if you're not dying, they don't want to see you.
Also enjoyed the Seymour Butts comment. Classic.
My favorite part was the last bit where the doctor told her not to walk on it, etc. What a twit.



*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*
I saw no issues with your grammar or punctuation.


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
I had a some what similar experience at the hospital where they asked me what hurt and my jaw looked like I had a half amount of chewing tobacco in it. I just wanted to be like, well my mouth hurts. I ended up having a jaw infection, go figure.

Keep writing!

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones" and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

~Stephanie

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14
14
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
I have always been interested in time travel and how other people write it. This is unique and the first time I have read about it happening on a train.

*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
I am intrigued about money being called 'units'. When Haggan is talking about going into the past, and they discuss the 1700s and he says something about fifty years...so this time travel takes place some time ago in the past? Interesting take.


*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*
I don't have any suggestions on this story. I know the last line is bolded so it was probably a requirement for a contest or something like that but it seemed rather out of place. Maybe you could make it on the top of a pamphlet or flier Haggan's receives or the newspaper or something like that. If you ever decide to edit this story. If not, it's not a big deal.


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
I enjoyed the plot of the story. I thought it was kind of a twist about Haggan's robbing a bank. It would be the perfect crime to comment a robbery then leave forever. Not to some place but some time. I enjoyed your characters and you ended the story in a way there doesn't need to be more. Sometimes writers leave me with being guilty of wanting more to the story.

Keep writing!

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones" and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

~Stephanie

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15
15
Review of The After Party  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
I wasn't sure what was going on at first when I was reading, until of course it became obvious that Poppy wasn't really there.

*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
I enjoyed your characters and how you presented the story. There are all kinds of mental illness' out there that people don't understand. While this is used in movies and other instances, it's good to keep it in the public's eyes. It also makes for some good entertainment.


*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*I didn't find anything that needed changed. Your grammar and punctuation seemed to be good enough that I didn't see anything wrong when I read through it.


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
I enjoyed your story. The plot was believable and the characters (even Poppy) were well thought out and developed. The woman walking down the road even played an important part as to what was going on. At that point you knew something wasn't right. At first I thought maybe Poppy and Hannah were physically hurt or looked like they had gotten into some kind of witch craft or something. The part where Poppy gets hit by a car is a nice touch too because you see how real Hannah's hallucination is.

Keep writing!

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones" and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

~Stephanie

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16
16
Review of The Night  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
It was an interesting and weird story (the good kind). It reminded me of the book 'the mist' slightly.

*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
I enjoyed the character of Kenny Cochran. I was a little confused on if he did rob a bank or he was just traveling and had a large amount of cash.


*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*
Besides being a little confused on if our main character received some kind of karma for his crimes or if he was just kidnapped by some crazy people with some equally crazy obsessions (or both) I also wasn't sure what H meant on the bathroom wall either. None of the characters names started with H, and neither did the town. Maybe it was just there for someone to remember?
The only real issue I saw within the writing itself was the very beginning when Kenny is conversing with the worker. It's rather choppy with "asked the blond man" and "replied the..." Other then that I found no grammatical or punctuation errors.

*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
I thought it was an interesting story with a rather good plot. I would be interested to read more and see if Kenny ends up getting away and what other characters would be waiting in the jail. Then again, isn't that the reason for writing? To make the reader want more?

Keep writing!

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones" and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

~Stephanie

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17
17
Review of work in progress  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
I am not an expert on werewolf stories but I was intrigued by this one.


*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
You seem to have developed your characters well. There seems to be a family tree and a line of succession that needed to develop over time. It seems as if you put a lot of energy and time into this story so far.


*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*I'm not sure how much, if any editing you have done but I have some spots throughout your story that need addressed.
The punctuation is what needs some help. I know when typing sometimes we just hurry up and get it out before it leaves us. So this will, I hope, be helpful in your editing process.
-November needs to be capitalized at the beginning.
-At first I wasn't sure what a coven was but I figured it out as the story went on.
-There are some apostrophes that are missing.
-"Are you ok?"- Chloe speaking to Julia, it should read okay, and you don't need to repeat her name as you have already established who was talking.


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
This story has a good plot and room to add and engage the reader. There really isn't much wrong with it, my suggestions are just for when you edit.

Keep writing!

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones" and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

~Stephanie

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18
18
Review of I Remember You  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
I wasn't sure if this poem was about a person or not at first. I'm assuming it is.


*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
This is a lovely poem in remembrance of a loved one. I enjoyed the metaphors in this piece (it origninally made me think this was a piano (tune up) or then I thought, maybe it's a car (motor).
My favorite line is "Just cleaning a few pipes to help your motor." Then the following about the heart.
This poem really shows how much a person is loved even when people fade away from each other. Your line about how nana had said good things for the first time in years, I would imagine that is how it will be when my mother dies. Some people can't handle confrontation so they don't say what they should say when people are alive, they want to make up for it when they are dead.


*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*
I have no suggestions for this poem


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
I thought this was a well written poem, full of emotion both good and bad. Knowing how death effects everyone differently, you did a good job with that. Everyone who will read this poem as dealt with death in one way or the other. I hope they find comfort in this.

Keep writing!

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones" and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

~Stephanie

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19
19
Review of Fly high  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
I was a little put off by how short this piece was when I first opened it. I did find it to be motivating and inspiring at the same time.


*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
You are 100% correct when you say it's our decision if it is a bad or good day. We are in control of our lives weather we want to believe so or not. Someone can say, well there are things in my life I can't control. My financial situation, my weight, my health issues. But you can. Sure, it can be hard, really hard. I am currently working on weight loss and have lost 27 pounds in six months. I had to make that decision though. After I made the decision to change my life I had to do it.


*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*
I have no real suggestions for this piece. It is simply your thoughts. No one can judge them.


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
I think everyone should read something that inspires them daily then write a piece to follow how they feel. It would make them reflect on their lives and how they act, feel, deal with problems, etc. Thank you for giving me my inspiration for today. I hope to someday inspire others as well.

Keep writing!

If you liked my review, please consider heading to "Game of Thrones" and posting a few cheers for The White Walkers. Thank you!

~Stephanie

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20
20
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
I like stories about brothers since I am raising all boys. This one of course, has a scary ending though.


*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
It's an interesting plot. I am not one to be much into horror stories (although I love to watch scary movies)


*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*
There are many grammar mistakes throughout the story. There are some missing words and some sentences that just don't make a lot of sense to me. I have highlighted some below.
-The opening line "The evening feels queasy." It's kid of odd to me. I would go with something like "The evening air makes me feel queasy."
-The next sentence there is a comma in the wrong spot. "...a few minutes, I must add..." A comma is to break up a thought if you want to look at it that way. I would put it after the word add.
-"Argument set off..." The argument set him off.
-Maybe is one word.


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
I would read through your story and maybe even print it off and correct it on paper. While you have a good plot line the amount of mistakes could make people just dismiss it all together and not even bother reviewing.

Keep writing!

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21
21
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
I thought it was a cute children's story.


*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
I think you have the names down just right for the characters in your story. What little girl wouldn't love the name Rainbow for a unicorn?


*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*
There is some polishing that needs done with this story. The first thing is the format. WDC is a little different when it comes to formatting correctly. If you need help there are many forums. You can even e-mail me if you wish.
As for the story, the first sentence is a big run-on as are many others. When writing for children, short, to the point sentences are best. There are some spelling mistakes that I am assuming is just an oversight.
There is also a major overuse of the names. When they are speaking you do not need to finish with "Lily said" every time. Change it up. If the reader knows who is talking just say "she said". I find people are scared of using "s/he said" too often they use it not enough.
There are also some word usage that is wrong. Using your instead of you're and tale instead of tail. A quick read through would correct many of these issues.


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
You have great promise for a good story here.

Keep writing!

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22
22
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1* This story was flawless.


*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2* You did such a good job with the whole story. The woman who was betrayed was, to me, on the brink of a nervous break down. She sat in the rain and waited for her ex so she could shoot him.
You touched on every emotion, every one of the human senses in this story to the way she felt physically (sitting in the rain) to how she felt emotionally, to how she must have felt mentally (wanting to shoot her ex, feeling alive when she shot him).
I liked how this wasn't some rage-filled shooting. It was calculated, she was calm. It was believable.


*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3* While I do have suggestions they are not needed to take to heart as I rated your story a 5 which I do not do often.
I would like to know a little more about the characters. Who are they? What do they look like? Where was the ex coming from when she shot him? Work? His lovers apartment? The more detail the more dramatic it seems (while not going overboard).


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
I loved it. There is nothing more raw then emotions when someone betrays you. I wish you the best with this story.

Keep writing!

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23
23
Review of The baby  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
I was drawn to the story by the description. I love reading stories where I can follow the character from a small child to adulthood.


*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
This is a rather good story. I am intrigued and wish there was more to the story which means you have a great hook here. I'm sure others who read it are wondering about the lock box, the man, the baby, even what role the mistress of the orphanage will play in this.


*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*
There wasn't many errors that I found but just a couple which I'm sure is just an oversight.
".in the five seconds..." There are two issues here. One is, of course, the I should be capitalized. Second is the five. Numbers under, I believe it's 100, should be spelled out unless of course it's an address or something of that nature.
"...bundle he's..." he's is he is which does not make much sense here. I would correct it to say "he had delivered." Also, God should be capitalized in any sense, unless of course it is a demi-god or something of that nature.


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
You weren't kidding when your description ended with nobody knows. Great beginning, I hope to read more!

Keep writing!

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24
24
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*
I am intrigued by different worlds, so this story got my attention as well as your title and summary. Oddly enough I would usually skip by it but I thought I would help a newbie out.


*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*
I liked how this story seemed a bit different. You have the basic, two best friends fighting an enemy on an unknown planet, but the way the planet is shaped and what it does as well as your antagonist (Death) is rather interesting.


*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3*
There are a couple points that stood out to me.
"...he and Zachariah were on currently." It doesn't flow well. Either switch the currently to before the word on or admit it all together. One other small punctuation error was world's. It is just worlds. Other then that I have no suggestions.


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
I would be eager to read more. Know the back story, who brought on this battle, what do these characters stand for. In other words, I would like to read the whole thing. If you need help figuring out who your characters are, even the evil ones, try a checklist, that's usually the best rout. I hope you plan on continuing.

Keep writing!

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25
25
Review of Who is She?  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones! I'm Stephanie, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


*Snow1* First Impressions *Snow1*The first thing I noticed when I simply glanced at the story, was the big block of text looking back at me. Since you are new here to WDC it can be rather confusing on how to format your piece. If you do, you will get better reactions and more reviews.


*Snow2* Best Elements *Snow2*I liked very much on how well you incorporated the senses. Many people seem to forget the character (most of the time) is a human who smells and feels, hears and sees. The aroma of the coffee, the cold floor under her feet. All well written. Good job.


*Snow3* Suggestions *Snow3* I do have a couple of minor suggestions. Simply reading over your work again will help you catch some punctuation errors as well as word placement. There is a place where she is picking clothes and it says "setting" when I believe it should be "settling", also at the end of the story "...the sound of the run..." should be rain of course spell check wouldn't catch.


*Snow4* Overall *Snow4*
I was intrigued by this story. I'm not at all sure who the woman was and what happened with the bus driver but it was all very interesting. Perhaps it was she was stuck in the same day and needed to die to break the cycle? Just a guess on my part.

Keep writing! Thank you for sharing your work!

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