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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tobe1987/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
Review Requests: OFF
444 Public Reviews Given
446 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am going to be working on my reviews being more thorough in the coming weeks. I am honest and love to give positive feed back.
Favorite Genres
Drama, Spiritual, Romance, family
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
short stories
Public Reviews
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51
51
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello! I am reviewing your piece in hopes to help in some small way to your editing process.

Things I liked: I liked the repeated line of "Tick-tock goes the clock, no ones knows when the time would stop."

Things that need work: There are a lot of punctuation issues, some things have to do with spacing, greatist is spelled wrong, it is greatest.

Characters: Black Witch Kidnapper

Plot: A witch on Halloween eve kidnaps children, nine specifically, to be in her soup.

Setting: Neighborhood with children

Overall Impression: The first thing that caught my attention was the very small print. It is rather hard to read and a quick fix in your editing process. Also, along with the punctuation issues mentioned before, numerical time and quantity should be spelled out until 100. So 9 children should be 'nine children' and 9pm should read nine or nine o'clock p.m. There was a good story to tell here and I did enjoy the plot and the terror seemed very real, just some technical issues.

Good luck in all your future endeavors and Write On!

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"Game of Thrones" 
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52
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello! I am reviewing your piece in hopes to help in some small way to your editing process.

Things I liked: I thought it was funny when your friend made the comment about who likes getting hit.

Things that need work: Nothing

Characters:

Plot:

Setting:

Overall Impression: This is such a tough world. My oldest son is often getting picked on by my younger one and usually ends up crying. That worries me because what if he has a bully at school? They would tear that poor boy up. And yes, you should never go into a fight thinking you will win, no matter how many years you have of training. I dated a guy once who was a black belt in karate. Now, this is partially his fault but he did MMA fighting which is totally different from the self-defense taught in karate. He was knocked out both times I watched him fight. Was he any less strong then his opponent? Possibly, but he was fighting to defend himself, not take the offence.
I hope my sons, all three of them, want to learn some sort of 'fighting' whether it be karate, judo, boxing, whatever. They may never win a fight but at least they will have the tools possible to have a good outcome.

Good luck in all your future endeavors and Write On!

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"Game of Thrones" 
53
53
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello! I am reviewing your piece in hopes to help in some small way to your editing process.

Things I liked: I like the battle between God and science as I like to debate.

Things that need work: Nothing

Characters:

Plot:

Setting:

Overall Impression: I have never seen that show before but it was actually kind of annoying to me. This mother is too narrow minded in my opinion. I was raised Catholic so of course I believe in God and that He did create everything but you are correct, how do we not know He didn't create the universe by means of the Big Bang? My best friend who went to private, catholic school like I did is an atheist. Sure, I don't agree with her on that fact but we have had many deep discussions about it and while she poses some good ideas, religion is based on faith, not on knowledge or suspicion. Anything is possible in regards to how the universe took shape. It's rather interesting to think about and realize how small you as a person are on this planet. How small the planet is in the whole universe. There is so much that could be out there and people still live with the couple of facts they think they know. Thanks for this piece.

Good luck in all your future endeavors and Write On!

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"Game of Thrones" 
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54
Review of Shadehag  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello! I am reviewing your piece in hopes to help in some small way to your editing process.

Things I liked: I am a fan of character creation, so this is interesting to me.

Things that need work: Lack of a vulnerability. Are they able to kill themselves if they wanted?

Characters: The Shadehags

Plot: None

Setting: None

Overall Impression: How very interesting, your creations. I like how you pin pointed each ability that the shadehags have. I must say these beings seem very superior to any being ever imagined. To make them a more believable race, you should add their vulnerabilities as well. Okay so they don't grow old, do they have special medicines or saves that they use? They cannot be even hurt by weapons. Are these a war-like people? If that were so, they would rule whatever world they wanted. A people like this should be a peaceful people or your hero in the story would have their work cut out for them. I found this Item randomly so I will definitely check out your portfolio to see if there is more on these fascinating creatures. If you need any help with character creation or even some tips or resources don't hesitate to let me know!

Good luck in all your future endeavors and Write On!

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"Game of Thrones" 
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Review of Christmas Love  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello! I am reviewing your piece in hopes to help in some small way to your editing process.

Things I liked: The true meaning of Christmas being realized in this story.

Things that need work: Nothing

Characters: Young boy and his neighbor

Plot: Learning to make something out of nothing on Christmas and being happy just the same.

Setting: Neighborhood

Overall Impression: The beginning is so true for all of us, is it not? Wanting to be more giving, but not with presents, with indeed love and kindness. Each year my husband and I say how we are not going to spoil our children like years past. That never seems to happen, it's always over the top. It's too fun to shop! Then you have black Friday. People will literally miss Thanksgiving in order to get the best 'deals' they think they are getting. People push and shove, they bring weapons! Then they snuff the Salvation Army worker at the front door because they had just spent too much money. What about the people who don't have anything? People have no humility anymore.
Then there are the select few who love people. Their children get one or two gifts. Maybe three because that's how many Jesus got and, after all it is His birthday. Thank you for another lovely holiday story.

Good luck in all your future endeavors and Write On!

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"Game of Thrones" 
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56
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello! I am reviewing your piece in hopes to help in some small way to your editing process.

Things I liked: The whole thing *Smile*

Things that need work: Nothing

Characters: Aya-Gahn-Nini, the white people, God

Plot: The story of when the pilgrims came to America and how the first Thanksgiving came to be.

Setting:

Overall Impression: I want to start out by saying I looked up Aya-Gahn-Nini on Google and your story was the first result! Anyway the story, it is a great story and one I would love to hand down, or at least tell my children. I was raised Catholic but I am ashamed to say I have strayed from my old ways. I have baptized my children because I do still believe in the teachings of the church but I don't think my children know much about Him. How wonderful for a story that unites all the people of the land by Jesus. When we grow, we learn that there is much more to the story of Thanksgiving and the pilgrims. How my ancestors took from the people already here with no remorse. I understand they were probably scared and just trying to survive but look what the white man has done in Thanks now. I want to thank you for your story. I look forward to re-telling it to my boys.

Good luck in all your future endeavors and Write On!

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"Game of Thrones" 
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57
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello! I am reviewing your piece in hopes to help in some small way to your editing process.

Things I liked: The humor in a sad situation

Things that need work: nothing

Characters: Terry, Darla, Roy, other family members

Plot: A man dies, there is confusion about suits.

Setting: Home, funeral

Overall Impression: I love the fact that this is a true story. Such a funny situation to have happened. If that were my husband and father who had gotten the mixed up suits it would have been the other way around *Laugh*.
As for the more serious aspects of the story it is such a sad thing to think about, our elderly. As for Roy, his whole life was working and taking care of his family. I see my husbands grandmother in a nursing home and I know she's just miserable. She's not that old either. It is sad that he didn't see taking care of his wife was work enough. Perhaps he was in need of help himself and couldn't do it all. There was a feeling of helplessness. As for the family in mourning, they should indeed. What a great life this man had! And what a joy he must have been to all. Most people are so quick to judge suicide victims. In this case, this man was ready to go. Thank you for your story.

Good luck in all your future endeavors and Write On!

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"Game of Thrones" 
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Review of Rebirth  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello! I am reviewing your piece in hopes to help in some small way to your editing process.

Things I liked: My favorite line in this poem is "The burns that scorched my skin felt like kisses on my cheek."

Things that need work: Nothing

Characters: The author

Plot: A woman watches a house being burnt that holds bad memories.

Setting:

Overall Impression: All the pain and destruction this fire is causing is this woman's way of finally being free. Sure, she will never totally be free from the haunting memories that she no doubt will have the rest of her life but a freedom of closure. There are so many instances in songs, movies, books, where the beaten child, the sexually abused woman, the kidnapped adolescent, returns to the 'scene of the crime' and destroys the house or watches it be demolished. It would be such a satisfying event to feel a relief that those bad spirits can go to rest, the smells, the sounds, the floor plan. It reminds me of the women who were kidnapped in Cleveland, Ohio. I'm sure they knew every detail in that house that was their prison. Not by choice, and now those memories are gone forever and tears were shed that weren't from pain but from freedom.

Good luck in all your future endeavors and Write On!

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"Game of Thrones" 
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Review of On The Clock  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello! I am reviewing your piece in hopes to help in some small way to your editing process.

Things I liked: The whole piece was a sense of thought. My favorite line "Time is a precious commodity, not to be wasted.

Things that need work: Nothing

Characters:

Plot:

Setting:

Overall Impression: I wonder how much time I have wasted! That is almost the exact opposite of what this is about. Not, thinking about the past and what we have done or haven't done but what we can do now. As my 30th birthday approaches I have accomplished much in my life; my marriage, my two (soon to be three) sons, owning a home. I don't work all that much any more, the past two years I have been lucky to work part-time. Even as all that is a great accomplishment in my life, there have been times, more often then not, I don't live in the present. My boys are getting older, both will be in school in the coming month. I remember when they were little and they still are but what have I done to make life memorable to them?
Something else I have taken from this piece is that good balance is needed. Sure we want to live now, today, but we can't just eat whatever we want when we want because what about our future health? We shouldn't spend money on frivolous things because what about retirement? We have to be able to live life then, too. Thank you for this piece.

Good luck in all your future endeavors and Write On!

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"Game of Thrones" 
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Review of the fog  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello! I am reviewing your piece in hopes to help in some small way to your editing process.

Things I liked:

Things that need work: There seemed to be much capitalization issues. I would think this was done on purpose as kind of a trademark way of writing if there was not any captialization at all at the beginning of sentences. Also, I was confused on the word crone. I looked it up (yay for learning a new word!) but then you capitalize it halfway through the story.
Besides my confusion on the capitalization there was also some punctuation issues, mostly lack of commas for example: "...no moon tonight(,) only a starless sky..."

Characters: The Matron, The young woman, the crone, the principled man.

Plot: A group of people who are being lead to the slaughter? When one eye appears between both women is this one of them being completely blind while one has one eye? Rather confusing but I just roll with it. At the end the woman comes out as the victor, who is pregnant. Not sure if she was always pregnant or if this is something that happened during this ceremony and some sort black magic made her pregnancy progress.

Setting: A wooded area.

Overall Impression: Interesting story that one must read with an open mind.

Good luck in all your future endeavors and Write On!

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"Game of Thrones" 
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Review of Fishing for peace  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello! I am reviewing your piece in hopes to help in some small way to your editing process.

Things I liked: My favorite line was "The kind of peace that doesn't come in a pill or bottle."

Things that need work: Nothing

Characters: Yourself

Plot: Trying to find peace.

Setting: Colorado

Overall Impression: I would probably never believe this was a true rendition on your life if not for the fact it is labeled a non-fiction and biography.
The whole piece is a work of art, just like you. I love the description of yourself you give and how you acquired your scars. It seems like it could be a form of fiction with all the scars from war, the small wrinkles around the eyes, the lessons learned. Writers can only try to come up with a character like you.
Another thing I loved was how you compared your body to a map. I don't have nearly the amount of memories as you and probably never will but I do treasure my own scars, my stretch marks, a scar I have on my hand from a burn at a job I carried for ten years, my appendix scars. They are there for me to tell a story just as you have told yours.
The ending was just perfect as well. You are one of the best story tellers I have read. Thank you once again for sharing.

Good luck in all your future endeavors and Write On!

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"Game of Thrones" 
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Review of Political Pawdit  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello! I am reviewing your piece in hopes to help in some small way to your editing process.

Things I liked: Politics, this seems to come out of real life.

Things that need work: The only thing that really tripped me up was the part where our character is talking about smoking cigarettes. "Winston Lights. Hundreds, I swear." To me, it's the length of the cigarette, probably because I used to be a smoker and I currently work in a convenient store where they are sold. Other people may take this as hundreds of them. Not that it would matter either way to the story but you can either omit that little tidbit or simply put "Winston Light 100s. I swear."

Characters: The Narrator. Still not sure what kind of creature this one is either, but I am leaning more towards a werewolf on this one since it seems more like biting into flesh and ripping it apart, actually tasting it which is not what vampires do (supposedly). Perhaps it could be a cannibal or some kind of zombie as well.

Plot: A man running for office in California.

Setting: California

Overall Impression: It would be rather interesting if this was this years presidential election coming up with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

Good luck in all your future endeavors and Write On!

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"Game of Thrones" 
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63
Review of Aroma  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello! I am reviewing your piece in hopes to help in some small way to your editing process.

Things I liked: A very intimate look into the life of a creature of the night. I like how this character doesn't agree with others who don't embrace who they are, 'half breeds', I think is what he calls them. Almost reminds me of muggles in Harry Potter.

Things that need work: "I'm not boasting, I'm just saying." - This sentence seems to be missing something. Maybe something like "I'm not boasting, I'm telling the truth" or "..., I'm sending out a warning."

Characters: Narrator of the story, perhaps a vampire? There is character building here but there is so much information we don't know. What is this person/creature? There is no real physical description besides the fact they look like us regular humans.

Plot: Some other-worldly creature writes about his next meal. The reader. A man with no name who the narrator seems to know intimately with the knowledge of the name of the wife.

Setting: A diner of some kind.

Overall Impression: An entertaining story on creatures that walk among us. Presumably at night, waiting for us to let down our guard. Anything is possible in this world today.

Good luck in all your future endeavors and Write On!

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"Game of Thrones" 
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64
Review of The Dance  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello! I am reviewing your piece in hopes to help in some small way to your editing process.

Things I liked: How dream-like the story was. Such beautiful imagery about the glen, the unicorns themselves, the whole picture of the story was majestic.

Things that need work:

Characters: The grandmother, the granddaughter, no names or descriptions. There was not much we know about about the two so it would leave the reader and the listener to come to their own conclusions as of what they look like, how old they are, etc. Unless of course there is pictures then that would help.

Plot: A grandmother and her granddaughter are talking and the grandmother talks about her experience with dancing unicorns.

Setting: Unknown.

Overall Impression: A very interesting and magical story about unicorns that would appeal to both boys and girls. I did not have a sense of what age range this story would pertain to. There seemed to be some 'big' words used that a small child may not understand. Or perhaps that is the job of the writer, to leave the children who read our stories with questions so they might learn and expand their vocabulary.
Some of the words I was speaking of: obsidian, impenetrable, gait, perceptible, etc.

Good luck in all your future endeavors and Write On!

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"Game of Thrones" 
65
65
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello! I am reviewing your piece in hopes to help in some small way to your editing process.

Things I liked: My favorite stanza was the last, it tied the whole poem together neatly. Also, my favorite line was "My memories deftly faded."

Things that need work:

Characters: The author

Plot: An unknown character dreaming about summer

Setting: England

Overall Impression: There was no real rhyme scheme here with a couple of rhyming lines near the end. I like how the poem seems to move quickly from winter to spring to dreaming about summer and the beach. I did have a hard time with the beginning of the poem, I looked up weather in England during Christmas and learned while there is rarely a white Christmas it is chilly, so perhaps it's not in winter but in Spring? I can relate to the need for warm weather and the love I have for summer. When the author talks about memories in someones photobook I wonder why that is? Does this person not carry around memories of good times? Perhaps the memories are too harsh to remember. Some people I know suffer from something called Seasonal Depression, or something of that nature and perhaps it is what this character suffers from as well. It's a good thing when a poem makes you think.

Good luck in all your future endeavors and Write On!

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"Game of Thrones" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
66
66
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello! I am reviewing your piece in hopes to help in some small way to your editing process.

Things I liked: The way the story flowed, there was minimal mistakes to stop the reading process.

Things that need work: Only a couple of suggestions: Everything is written so beautifully until the line "...made of more leathery stuff." After finishing the story I understand more that they are different kinds of beings and that the Brauchen skin is a rougher one but I think more elegant words would work better here.
Also, seasons to not need to be capitalized unless they start a sentence or are part of a title.

Characters: The old Brauchen and his love, a Lythele. There is also mention of a third group, the Agenitions.

Plot: The old male Brauchen visits the lemon tree to see if his secret love has taken his gift, when she does not for some time he fears the worst.

Setting:The lemon tree is the only concrete place, there is also a mention of pods where I can see in my minds eye as a place perhaps on a different planet where there are big domes keeping the different groups in. I could be totally wrong on this since there is no description.

Overall Impression: I enjoyed this piece and the way it was written.

Good luck in all your future endeavors and Write On!

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"Game of Thrones" 
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67
Review of Sole Survivor  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was a very interesting piece. I am always intrigued by stories of the apocalypse. This one was different then anything I had read before and it was a great piece.

A couple of suggestions:
The font is rather small, it would be easier for others to read if it were larger.
In the fourth paragraph there is a line that says "Who knows? I certainly don't..." after the word don't I think it would flow better if there was a comma. The first time I read it I couldn't figure out what was going on *Laugh*. The comma would tell the reader there is a small breath there that I think would help.

My favorite line has to be "There was variety and it was breathtaking." It's so sad to see the Earth start to crumble and die even now. Hopefully this never happens but in some places in the world there is no sunlight because of pollution.

Overall great story, Happy Anniversary and Write On!
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In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ah, the great dear president of old. I enjoyed your poem and the way it is structured with Laura and George W. in conversation. The rhyming was good and your length was necessary. While I'm sure the title of 'president' is very glamorous it is such a hard job. Looking at the different presidents when they took office to when they had completed their stint it's amazing how the job takes a toll. No one in this great nation could actually want to be president, could they? Thank you for your rather entertaining poem.
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Review of Rule and Law  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello! I found your poem while searching the 'legal' genre. Reading the poem I was interested in the rhyme scheme and looked up Dante's variation after I finished, I now understand *Smile*. I like the way the poem is pro-law as well. Sure there are corrupt police and judges, jail guards and wardens, and this piece seems to be a very blind way of saying 'the law is perfect. At least here in America, it is not. I believe it is indeed for 'rent' and will go to the highest bidder. Oh for a land where that is not so.
Overall I enjoyed the word choice and rhyme of the poem. Write on!
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Review of The forrrest  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello! I found your story on the read &a review page and I enjoyed the story very much. The way the deer was present for the end and the beginning of this battle was a good touch. Just a couple crticisms, there are some grammatical errors as well as spelling mistakes that can easily be corrected with a good read threw.

I hope this helps in your editing process. Write On!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of My Mother's Hands  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello! I am reviewing for the Try Something New contest. These are my own personal thoughts and suggestions.

*Smile* What I liked: This poem is a wonderful token of appreciation to your mother. I could never imagine what it would be like to live without my own. I think that's why your last line touches me so. Feeling her touch on your shoulder. Great work of poetry.

Good luck with the contest and Write On!
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for entry "My Friend" 
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello! I am reviewing for the Try Something New contest. These are my own personal thoughts and suggestions.

*Smile* What I liked: The tone of this story is so mellow, so touching. Your friend seems like a great person and truly someone to be admired.

*Stop* What needs work: The one small thing that could be changed is the line "It's not been plain sailing..." I would change plain to smooth or fair.

*Tackb* Overall Impression: Loved hearing about your friend. I hope she is around for you and others for a long time as well. I'm glad she was able to help you all those years ago.

Good luck with the contest and Write On!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Remembering  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello! I am reviewing for the Try Something New contest. These are my own personal thoughts and suggestions.

*Smile* What I liked:This is a great poem about a great woman. It leaves impressions on how she must have looked (a petite woman) and how feisty she must have been. My favorite line is "Especially the ones you didn't even realize you gave." I hope on the other side your mother can read your words and she can see your admiration of her as it is so obvious in your poem.


Good luck with the contest and Write On!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Haunting Memories  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello! I am reviewing for the Try Something New contest. These are my own personal thoughts and suggestions.

*Smile* What I liked: I loved reading about your mother and childhood through your poem. It's nice to have such loving memories of rhubarb pie and square dancing parents. Kind of reminds me of my grandparents when they were a little younger. Also, being a parent myself it makes me chuckle a bit at the line "The lessons taught and battles fought to help us grow..." I have a hard time with my boys sometimes.


*Tackb* Overall Impression: I loved the rhyme scheme and your word choice. Great poem.

Good luck with the contest and Write On!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello! I am reviewing for the Chapter Comrade Club and here are some thoughts and ideas on your second chapter:
*BulletR* The chapter starts as if it should be continuing from the previous one. It feels as though I'm missing something.
*BulletR* The sentence: "...a short heighted girl..." You can take out 'heighted' you already said she was short so that's what the readers take away from that.
*BulletR* Also when it talks about her 'habits' a better word to use would be hobbies here.

Characters: Three new characters were introduced: Jared, Fiona, and Elizabeth. (Also Mrs. Keen the teacher)

Setting: School, Mrs. Keen's classroom

Plot: Rachel is now getting ready to do a project with two new class mates.

I hope you find my comments helpful to your editing process. Write On!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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