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101
101
Rated: E | (3.5)
I found this with the Random Review Tool.

Your poem speaks of a situation that every American, and many people elsewhere in the world, knows all too well. it is in this sense a universal problem and your political statement needs to be heard.

That being said, you've chosen to make that statement through a poem with a specific form.

It's not hard to write a villanelle poem, but it is difficult to make every repetition of the two repeat lines meaningful inside their respective stanzas. Your rhymes are creative and your two repeat lines have the proper punch, but I find too many times that the repeats don't integrate their stanzas by bringing an "ah yes" feeling to the two preceding lines.

Write on!
alfred
102
102
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found this with the Random Review Tool.

Nothing to critique here. As is usual, Tim Chiu writes well crafted poetry, perfect rhythm and perfect rhyme. I am not usually sensitive to his poetry, but this opus is charming, sensitive and humble all at once. He has some incredible rhyming pairs that arrive in his text as if there was no other word choice possible. So often poets have to force words into a text to complete the rhyme. This is rarely the case with Tim Chiu's poetry.

I would recommend this poem for everyone interested in the true spirit of Christmas and who enjoys poetry written by a true poet.

Rated six out of five, but we can't over-rate here!

WRITE ON!
alfred
103
103
Review of Shapless  
Rated: E | (2.0)
I found this using the Random Review Tool.

You do not indicate a necessity to limit the word count, so I will assume this is not one of WDC's 55-word or 100-word stories.

There is nothing wrong with the premise of this story. I am a great reader of sci-fi, but was totally confused by your text. It lacks clarity and tranparance. A reader should not have to guess at the writer's intention. There is no clear indication of what kind of experiment this is, and perhaps this is not important. But the way the words are combined, there are very few clear images for the reader to imagine the scene.

When writing brief fiction, every word must count and add something positive to the text. In the first sentence, I believe you have forgotten to cross out one word that you exchanged for another: "Jeremy was fighting, the cage barely holding containing their violence." Holding and containing mean the same thing.

From the onset of this scene, the reader has no idea who Jeremy is, why the need for a cage, and why the violence occurs.

There are two glaring spelling errors. The first is the title which intelligent deduction tell us that it should read "Shapeless" instead of "Shapless." If "Shapless" is correct, the unusual aspect of this invented adjective must be explained in the text. And if "Shapeless" is correct, you do not show the reader how this title connects with the words you have used to pen your story.

The second error is in the first line where you write "I was looking down at were..." This should be spelled WHERE. Were is not pronounced the same and no mechanical spell-checker will catch this error as both words exist in the English language.

There are two words that I do not believe work well in the contexts you have given them.
One is "...all I could see was the shadowy figure it dispelled." One online dictionary gives the following for dispel:
Verb - 1) Make (a doubt, feeling, or belief) disappear.
2) Drive (something) away; scatter.

The second word is "Fangs emanating from the shadows..."
Emanate, a verb, means:
1) Issue or spread out from (a source): "warmth emanated from the fireplace"; "she felt charm emanating from him".
2) Originate from; be produced by.

Here I would write "emanate" and not use a gerund, but this verb will only make complete sense if you explain it.

Each writer has the right to place works in progress in his port. It is perhaps a good idea to place these elements on a private setting until they are polished enough to be read by the general public, because someone from that public, like myself today, may come along and not understand very much at all.

Write on, and never fear editing.
To edit is to accept being human and that the first draft of an item is rarely perfect.

alfred
104
104
Review of Winter Sonnet  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I found this featured in today's Poetry Newsletter.
Congratulations for having a poem selected.

You have written a sweet poem, well conceived and presented that uses several patterns found in the Shakespearean Sonnet. This unfortunately is not one of them.

A Shakespearean Sonnet, unlike a modern, unmetered sonnet, must have several technical elements in order to benefit from being called a Shakespearean Sonnet.

The first element is the rhyming scheme. You have mastered that perfectly.

The second element is the rhythm. A true Shakespearean Sonnet must be written in iambic pentameter, that is to say each line must have five poetic feet of a ta-DA ta-DA rhythm. This is the first important element of the necessary structure which is lacking in your sonnet.

Examples:
*ButtonForward* S1-L3: For weeks, even months, he will stay asleep.
I read this in a mormal speaking voice in this manner: for WEEKS, even MONTHS, HE will STAY aSLEEP. Yes, there are five accented syllables. Another person might read: for WEEKS, E-ven MONTHS, he will STAY aSLEEP. And in any dramatic reading class, we learn to add a sixth accent to these same syllables : for WEEKS, E-ven MONTHS, HE will STAY aSLEEP. And to force this into iambic pentameter, one would need to declaim: for WEEKS, eVEN months, HE will STAY aSLEEP. Not terribly natural.

*ButtonForward* S2-L1: The bird in winter will fly far away.
As I read this line, there are only four feet.
the BIRD in WINter will FLY far aWAY. In order to "force" these ten syllables into an iambic rhythm, one would need to declaim: the BIRD in WINter WILL fly FAR aWAY. No one will speak this line in this manner.

*ButtonForward* S4-L1: Now, I ask you honestly, not in jest.
Spoken naturally, the scansion gives us: NOW i ASK you HONestly, NOT in JEST. Yes, there are five accented syllables, but his is most definitely not iambic pentameter. " i ASK you NOW, though NOT in JEST" is iambic meter, but these phrase lacks a fifth foot.

There are other lines I question. When one studies Shakespeare, it is easy to discover his exceptions. It is commonly agreed that when he breaks the iambic rhythm to begin a line with an accented syllable instead of the required unaccented one, he does so to specifically highlight a particular word for dramatic emphasis. I do not believe that your rhythmic exceptions are calculated with this kind of precision but occur rather from lack of experience writing lines in iambic pentameter. Fortunately creating exercises is easy to do and helps every poet master the art of rhythmic writing.

The third element of a Shakespearean Sonnet is the way the poem unfolds. A true sonnet must have two opening stanzas expositing a situation, the third stanza begins what is commonly called the "volta" where the poet writes a change of perspective and the sonnet's final couplet "wraps up” the poem with and overall statement about the evolution described in the poem. For example, a poet may spend his first stanzas describing a snowstorm and the volta stanza shows the reader that the poet is warm inside his home, viewing everything from the window. He may close the poem with a metaphor of a lesson learned from his observing the storm.

Your poem closes very well, but it is made of three stanzas comparing three similar situations. It lacks the idea of a volta.

Instead of attempting to edit these ideas into a true Shakespearean Sonnet, I would suggest renaming this poem simply as a "sonnet" and those readers who know the true difficulties of composing a Shakespearean Sonnet will not even try to interpret it as anything other than a modern sonnet with no rhythm.

Write on!
alfred
105
105
Rated: E | (3.5)
I found this using the Random Review Tool.

This is a curious lamentation about love gone wrong.

The center of the poem is pure poetry. By this I mean it is well constructed with every word being essential to the flow expressing the poet's idea. From "Stagnant memories..." to "in eternal torment." this poem is exquisitely excellent.

The opening two lines in and of themselves are beautiful. The word "dead" is the only word, however, that evokes the central part of this poem. In my opinion, these lines are not essential to the unfolding of the poem. It does not need a setting, because the body of the lamentation has no relationship with an outdoor setting.

The closing eight lines seem part of another poem. They align themselves with the subject of the poem, but the POV changes completely and reminds this reader of a woman's typical reproach to the man who broke her soul, instead of a poetic outpouring of the emotions behind the existing words I feel do not belong to this poem.

There is so much beauty in the central lines of this poem.

Write on.
alfred
106
106
Review of Pain is Thy Name  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I found this using the Random Review Tool.

It's a pain-filled poem about the scars of lost love.
These are always difficult poems to write.

When the poet speaks only of personal experience, describing what has transpired, the poem works well.

The passive voice statement in the middle of the poem does not work for me simple because the POV changes.
As the poet closes the poem with much the same information, I would eliminate this second stanza.

This closing stanza, however, would be stronger if the poet were to find a way around the passive voice of "it is said time heals all wounds." I object to cliches in poetry and there is usually a way to express the same information, of paraphrasing it, thus making it part of a personal poem instead of a theatrical aside in commentary form.

Perhaps I might suggest the following:
Will time truly heal my wounds?
Years have gone by.
Where is the healing?


On another level altogether, there are a few articles in this poem which if eliminated and replaced by adjectives, would strengthen the narration.
"I've lived in XXXX shadows." [dark, gray, listless, etc.]
"Afraid to face XXX light." [simply daylight would be more poetic.]
And if the author must retain the second stanza, "Pain inflicted upon XXX hearts" [timid, fragile, etc.]

Last but not least, the three consecutive "my" of the first stanza.
They destroyed
my trust, and dignity
my self-worth."


Write on!
alfred
107
107
Review of The Pen  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found this with the Random Read Tool.

You have crafted a very intelligent poem about one aspect of women's social evolution.
It's great!

Three little complaints. Tattoos takes two O's and no E.

You have one capital They in the poem. I, unlike many reviewers of poetry here, have no problems with lakc of punctuation or capitalization.

The visual balance of your poem is disrupted by the long end line which could easily be cut after "daughters."

Write on!
alfred
108
108
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found this using the Random Review Tool.

Oh! this is wonderful. Nothing to add. It's short and sweet and there are absolutely no wasted words. This is great writing!

The story is perfectly laid out and the trap at the end is a real treat!

Write On!
alfred
109
109
Review of Irony  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Found with the Random Review Tool.

I like this.

I like the book-ending stanzas which are extremely pertinent.

I like the repeated lines stanzas, only changed to help the poem's unity, and the fact that they are again extremely pertinent to the poem's statement.

I like that when you broke the pattern near the end of the poem that you used elements from other parts of it to unify your text.

Great writing!
alfred
110
110
Review of With time  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I found this using the Random Review Tool.

This is one of Mr. Enga's poems that I did not know. Here I find his concise style and the eternal child he frequently portrays through his poetry, the child always asking pertinent questions. Questions that bother.

The closing of this poem is incredibly powerful and does not let the reader down, but lifts him up with a statement so obvious is hurts.

My only criticism of this lovely poem would be in the repeat of the field of cows, which open and close the poem.

Excellent poetry.
Write on,
alfred
111
111
Review of It's My Life  
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
I found this with the Random Review tool.

There is a lot happening in this poem. Possibly too much.

A poem containing refrain lines works well, if the refrain lines are systematically used in the same position in each stanza and are contained in each of the poem's stanzas. They act as glue and give the reader a sense of stability as he peruses the text. Here you have a set of three refrain lines for the first and second stanzas, and then you follow with two new stanzas where repeats occur in a different position in the stanza, but use a new set of repeat lines.

To compose two stanzas of five lines with three of them that repeat seems like lazy writing to me.

Then you write two six-line stanzas that do not resemble the opening four stanzas and close with three single lines. I believe it would have been better for the poem's internal structure to have maintained the pattern of five-line stanzas and continued a third series of twin repeating lines to close the poem. The denunciation part of the poem is interesting, but you do not do so in concise manner that matches the beginning of the poem.

I like the idea of describing four characters all losing their love. But with so much repeated text occurring, each character resembles the next and none stand out to the reader as exceptional.

Write on!
alfred
112
112
Review of Crosshairs  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Found this with the Random Review Tool.

55 word stories are hard to make right. And each word must be carefully chosen. This one works well, but could easily be more detailed.

I think there is an inherent contradiction in "whispered triumphantly." The two words clash.

Articles can often be replaced by adjectives. Thus "severing the jugular and letting the blood flow" could easily become "letting thick blood flow."

"And made a quick slice" could become "and quickly sliced" giving you the possibility to add more description.

Write on!
alfred
113
113
Review of What is Freedom?  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Another Random Review Reward item.

The opening poem is lovely. Was it intended to be a haiku or senryu? It has two syllables too many if that is the case. I personally would have searched for a more poetic way of expressing "it is the fourth of july." Simplicity is always the best: the line does not need to be a complete sentence when we write poetry. "The fourth of July.' A line that will correctly render your haiku/senryu opening.

The second poem has two errors in it, which means you didn't edit as much as you should.

"Can you hold IT in your hand," You left out the word "it." No spell checker will catch this error.

And later you write "edible" instead of "editable".
Again, the need for human eyes rereading slowly the text is evident. Machines cannot catch this kind of error because both words exist.

Write on!
alfred
114
114
Review of Hope's Dawn  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this a lot, Snow. I found it on the Random Review Reward page.

In short poems, every word must count. Of course this is easier said than done. Thus it is always interesting to look at our poems when editing to see if there are articles that can be eliminated by using adjectives instead.

In your second stanza there are three "the" that might be edited out.
A question rises
from dark tombs
of our disappointments:
Will this be our year
when (is better than that) we find secrets (plural is always an easy way out of this situation)
to make our souls happy?

Ditto for using phrases starting with "that..." They can frequently be rearranged so the word flow is more poetic.

Lovely to read your newer works.

WRITE ON!
alfred
115
115
Review of Down On the Farm  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like the melancholy entwined delicately in your verse.

I like the down-to-earth aspect and the opening that implied that nothing has changed with them and that you will always be welcome.

I like the format, with the alternating long lines and the shorter rhyming ones. I note also that you usually maintain a syllable count for the long and short. There are exceptions, unfortunately, in the long lines.

My concern when confronted with rhyming poetry is always the naturalness of the rhyming and how they occur in the phrases. It is unfortunate that you used two farms, three fields and two compound words ending in house.

And I think in looking back on these comments that you dug your own grave -- so to speak -- by trying to maintain the syllable count for your rhyming lines, which limited the choice of words, or the direction the poem might have taken if you had allowed yourself a bit more freedom in the recounting of what is probably a true story.

Thus, for even more poetic liberty, when describing a true event, I feel it is always easier to limit the structure; metered lines is a great start but metered lines combined with the complication of rhyme is possibly not the best solution.

That's one reason, and in my opinion, an important one, that I use free verse so frequently.

Write on!
alfred
116
116
Review of Always Autumn  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Beautiful work. The tone and the setting are both perfect.

The only thing that I do not like is that the death arrives within one line and then the poem is over. Not that I would have dwelt on it any more than you did, but I would have done so in another way. Perhaps by adding another stanza:

{quote...together not lonely anymore.

What joy we had, but you died.
Suddenly. Your death, for a while, was too much to bear.

I think of you often...
By setting it aside like this, you give it the importance it's due and don't lump it in with the beauty of the rest of the poem.

I am glad I found this poem today.
Write On!
alfred
117
117
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Dear Lady Shaara,

This is excellent work. No other words are needed. Your sense of drama lets the poem unfold subtly and its nostalgia rings true for those of us old enough to understand what you reminisce.

Although I am not a rhyming poet myself, your rhymes never sound forced, coming naturally and as the only possible word to end your lines.

Bravo for this excellent poem.

WDC readers out there who have not yet discovered this author, RUN to her port and look at anything. You won't be sorry!

Write on!
alfred
118
118
Review of If Only  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I found this, Lady Shaara, with the Random Read.

You have written a poem which is lovely, simple, innocent and filled with truth.
Mankind, as well as the entire planet, needs more true light. We may be the most intelligent species on earth, but we are certainly not the most enlightened. Perhaps the elephants and their rituals of mourning their departed have more insight to the real things that matter.

Thanks for being such a sensitive soul and knowing how to place this into your writing.
Write on!
alfred
119
119
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I found this using the Random Read Tool.

What I like a lot is the originality of this poem. That's a talent among poets which seems very difficult to find here on WDC.

You have dared to write something unique which at the same time makes a pertinent social commentary. Bravo!

Technically your couplets rhyme and the poem reads easily.

Write on!
alfred
120
120
Review of Reclaim Love Lost  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I found this using the Random Read Tool.

Love poems are so hard to write. Your first and third stanzas are beautiful.
The second serves no purpose as you explain it both in the first and third stanzas.

The "moral of the story" contained in the last stanza spoiled everything for me. Sorry.

Write on!
alfred
121
121
Review of GOOD GIRL  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found this using the Random Read Tool.

You've painted a perfect portrait of many of today's youth; the silent indifference of parents and educators is very loud.

Poetically, I would revise the first stanza and use the word "good" only in your repeat line ""she was a good girl." You are a strong and intelligent enough poet to find synonyms and substitutes for the three repetitions in the first stanza.

I understand your need for repeating lines in this poem, so I wouldn't complicate the poem with other unnecessary repetitions.

Write on!
alfred
122
122
Review of Last Light  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Found this with the Random Read Tool.

I like the sparseness of your free verse. The description is compelling, until you get to the cliché "A mind of its own" closing the end of the poem. For me it spoiled the atmosphere you had established.

There is certainly another way to phrase this idea; your closing line "and it does not rest for long" unfortunately ends this poem with the only pair of rhyming lines, both of which use the word "long."

The sea is calm now
but its waves will change.
She has her own mind
and never rests for long...

Just an idea of how to maintain the sparseness of your own poem, un-rhyme the end and get around the cliché.

Write On!
alfred
123
123
Rated: E | (5.0)
I cannot imagine what it is to live through an event like this, to taste the indelible bitterness of injustice.

Once again the utter simplicity of our words brings tears to my eyes. Younwrite what must be chronicled and no more. To my humble person, this is part of good writing: finding the proper tone with which to tell a story.

My only regret is that you have not the opportunity to share more of your writing talent with the WDC community.

WRITE ON!
alfred
124
124
Rated: E | (5.0)
Your first item in the Christopher series was sweet but did not give me, as a reader, enough impulse to read on. Because you are from Zim (do you know Sarah Todd, aka zwisis) I decided to read on. I am glad I did.

Your brief narrative here left me teary eyed. Your words are accurate, sensitive and tell your story well. You have set the stage for a full adventure that I hope one day to read in a more formal form than a WDC item.

Write on! I will read on.
alfred
125
125
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I found this with thenRandom Read Tool. I haven't read anything from your port for quite a while.

Most of this poem speaks directly to me. I remain confused by the "mooncalf" line and strongly feel that this poem would benefit from being cut up into stanzas.

As you may remember, my own free verse style is sparse on punctuation and capital letters as is this poem. My earliest poems often tended to be huge blocks of words until I better learned through more experienced poets here at WDC that breaking up a poem's ideas into stanzas helps the reader follow the ideas, especially in lowly punctuated verse.

I won't make suggestions as to where I would place stanza cuts; you are a weathered poet and are capable of deciding yourself if my suggestion here might help the clarity of your text.

Write on!
alfred
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