You've got a great start on a very sensitive subject - that of loss. Your words are poignantly written and they touch the reader with simplicity.
However, there is no option available to writers presenting works of fiction : the grammar, spelling and punctuation MUST be perfect. Only in the poetry genre are exceptions allowed.
This means you absolutely have to use capital letters at the beginning of your sentences as well as for the pronoun I. It's the only way to present your ideas correctly to the public here on WDC (or anywhere else, for that matter) and be taken seriously.
Should you submit this story to any publishing house in its current form, it will be immediately discarded because of what you probably call a simple detail. Those details can make or break us.
Please go back and make these corrections. Your words are good. Work hard on how you present them.
You've a nice warm wintery poem here, and it works well until we get to the word "chairleg." That's why I clicked onto this link, curious to find out how you were going to use this strange invented word. And why a chairleg instead of a hickory log.
In my humble opinion it is a shame that you do not lead the reader to understanding why you chose to place chairlegs in the fire.
You've taken the wonderful event of becoming engaged and done something very sad with it. I'm not sure I like the image of love as a trophy that eventually pales so that only the "rock" remains brilliant. But that's my own personal view.
Several details seem in need of clarification in this poem:
"As she holds her bright fingers up"
Technically, only one of her fingers will be brightened by the engagement ring.
"Giggling as the first of our number"
"First of our number" is not terribly poetic. "First of our group", "the first among us" would both carry the same meaning without the awkwardness of "number."
"Displays her new ownership."
"Trophy" is a much better word, even if you want to evoke the materialism of the engagement process. Ownership gives a really mercenary light to the process. Is this really what you want to convey?
"And the ring pales next to them."
I think you meant to write "next to HIM." Otherwise you need to write something into this stanza indicating to the reader who "them" refers to.
"Where they still exist,"
"They who still exist" is the more correct formulation of what you want to say here.
Possibly a bit of editing is still needed for your poem to really convey to the reader the ideas you have in your head.
Your closing paragraph sums up the entire story beautifully. There is a lot of precise detail in this story and it is well written.
I would think seriously about a different title. "Grandmother" tends to imply a tale only about your grandmother, her life and her adventures, and this is not quite what you have written. "Grandmother's wall" or something similar, although pointing the reader in a particular direction, i.e. the wall which is mentioned only at the end of your tale, would be more catching to the reader's eye.
Keep up the creative work. Flash fiction is a difficult genre to master. You've done a good job,
You have written a sweet love poem. And described well what too much pride can do between two people emotionally involved with each other.
In an eight-line poem, you use the word love/lovers five times. In my opinion, this is three times too many. Once per stanza is quite enough for a short poem like this.
You must learn to proofread your writing and not count on your computer's spell-checker to do all of the work for you. It will rarely catch homonyms.
I went two the store too buy to cartons of milk. (3 errors)
My loves out of town today. I cherished the two love's of my life. Loves demise. (3 errors)
If you are truly interested in becoming a writer who wants his writing to be read by the public, then you must imperatively learn grammar and spelling, because most spell-checkers will not do this kind of correction for you.
It's been a very long time since I have happened upon an article using the Bible as a reference against the traditional conceptions of god. I couldn't agree with you more.
You express yourself very well and I could only wish that you cited a few passages from the Bible as support for your arguments.
Excellent work. Thank you for constructively offering another solution to this thorny problem.
I've changed yesterday's low rating after reading your rewrite. I'm happy to do so.
Editing helps, doesn't it? Now this poem reads better. Obviously your private explanation yesterday helped me me understand where you wanted to go with this poem, but a good poem should not need too much explanation from the part of the author, but should contain just enough detail to point the reader in the proper direction.
Your added stanza at the end clears up any misunderstandings and closes the poem in a better way than the penultimate one did.
I still have a problem here:
for in his life was another,
one whom I had been friends with for an eternity.
Now that I know what you mean, I can see through the words to find their meaning. I would be tempted to simplify and write something like:
for his life's love was another
my friend for an eternity
It is always better to simplify a text than to bathe it in "poetic" turns of phrases which lose the reader in their meanderings. You know what you wanted to say within these two lines, do so simply. That way you don't lose your reader.
But I still have a problem with his "cold lips". Why are they cold? One of the reasons I thought you were writing about a sort of demon was his cold lips (a reference to death) and the "golden orbs." I know very few humans with yellow eyes. So there's still something to be cleared up at this level. And I would also try to simplify his last line, the one about "never shall we part." It's too "poetic" for the rest of your poem.
Good job so far of revising. You're making this into a good poem now. Congratulations,
alfred
Your introduction brags that this is a "Poem thats good to read. You must write --->> THAT'S good to read.
This is a matter of opinion. I think it's sweet, a testimony to children discovering the reality of death, but my praise stops here.
Your opening line is incorrect. You would never say "me is sitting by the road." The pronoun is I (am sitting.) Therefore you need to write Sarah and I/saw the dead dog. There is no other proper way to write this.
In my mind your second stanza is incomplete for you need to make it precise that it's not the flies which are sitting on the side of the road but you and sarah, which is a proper name and should be capitalized. Set the place properly by adding simply "we were sitting" and then it's perfect.
Your last stanza is not complete. You need to write
"of life leaving/A body."
And last but not least, there is no relationship between the body of the poem and it's title. You could just as easily have titled it "vanilla ice cream" as anything else. In good writing, there is always a relationship between the body of a work and its title. This is not the case with your poem.
I'm sorry not to "get this" - am I too old? (I don't dare evoke the possibility that you weren't successful in your choice of words, so the problem is probably mine...)
Pet peeves and pets are two distinct things. It may be a pet peeve of yours to read poetry talking about pets, but in my humble opinion, you do not successfully say that here in this poem.
So I repeat myself, I really don't understand the presence of this poem on the Request Reviews page.
As a fellow poet, I can't find a way to improve it except by suggesting that you change the genre to Comedy.
I will honestly say that I was expecting something else, with your genre settings as Relationship and Romance/Love. I would call this more Horror than anything else.
If I read correctly, your narrator is being tempted by the devil. Or a vampire. But in any case, there is something unclear at this level.
You describe the temptation and the almost succumbing of your narrator as well as the banning of the dark advances.
IN your first stanza there is an unnecessary "into my mind." There is nothing dreamlike in this poem, so the thoughts are real. Had you written "suggesting hidden truths into my mind" I would like the entire line better.
In the second stanza, "confirming my fate" does not match the rest of the poem as your narrator does not succumb to the temptation.
Stanza three brings "arrogant lips". I am not sure lips can really be arrogant, a look is arrogant; an attitude is arrogant. And I personally do not catch the link between simple "laughter" and sane thoughts that shatter. Add a pertinent adjective to laughter and the rest of the stanza becomes more logical.
The sixth stanza has the most problems in it, as I read your text:
But I back away,
for a grave sin I have committed.
I fell in love with him, yet I knew it could never be,
for in his life was another,
one whom I had been with for an eternity.
There is not enough information why it is sinful to have fallen in love with him. And if indeed your narrator has fallen in love, why is the kiss unexpected and do "I gasp..."? This does not seem to add up.
The next problem with this stanza is the last two lines. I am sorry to be a bit dense here, but I have no idea what you mean.
The seventh stanza is just as curious:
Lies pour forth,
causing inner grief to be left unsaid.
"I do not love thee.
Get away, and leave me be."
What are these lies pouring forth? Causing what inner grief to be left unsaid? The poem continues to tell the monster that he is not loved. This seems to me to be a pouring out of soul's truth and not to concord with the first two lines.
Lastly, your ultimate stanza doesn't seem realistic. The devil seduces with false promises, so does the vampire — if I have interpreted correctly. Neither simply give up because they have received a negative declaration of love; so in my mind, something is not clear at all here.
Never fear completely changing a poem during the editing process. Sometimes we discover that our favorite lines really do not have their place in a given poem and maintaining them inside of that poem weakens it.
I am certain that you know what you are writing about; unfortunately you did not successfully communicate that to this reader.
Cheryl O'Brien has a very interesting idea in this folder of post cards. Her style is varied as is her subject matter. I only regret that each item is not accompanied by a photograph of the element she so eagerly describes.
Her visuals are bright and original and there is frequently a touch of wry humor in her word choice.
I would recommend these 5 miniatures to curious readers here on WDC who are looking for a different approach to prose.
I like many of your images here. "The black tulips with intoxicating fragrance, maddening." In the line preceding it, i would change one word and write "call to the dark flowers in the heavens" and then become more precise in the next line by saying they are "black tulips". That way you avoid the repetition of an important word two lines in a row.
And there is nothing wrong with writing a poem about everyone else, but I do not consider myself among your "those who weep", and I weep quite a lot lately.
Your poem would be incredibly forceful if you wrote "I who weep at dawn..." and kept everything in the first person.
Write it out completely that way, and have a few people look at the two versions to see which they like better. My bet is the new version in the first person.
Keep up the creative work,
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I have read many other attempts at inventing elvish languages, in many of the books you have cited in your bio-block.
What you have here is not really an invention if one speaks any foreign languages - there's a healthy borrowing from french and portuguese, leif is pronounced the same way as life in German, guer commes from the french guerre or the italian guerra, for her is pour elle in french - el is pronounced the same way as the french word, un reison is a lovely combination of italian, french and spanish un, une, meaning a, and reison which sounds like german but has the same roots as raison (french) which gave english it's "reason." Mil is a thousand in many languges. You have simply changed the spelling of existing words and called it a new language. That's what they've done when inventing esperanto. In many foreign countries one speaks pidgin English - a healthy combination of native words splattered with butchered English words.
Methinks there is no new linguistic invention here, just a healthy amount of borrowing.
Excellent mood, use of words and your description is so very true.
One line I do not understand, and unfortunately for me, it's an important one.
"joining the friends that’ve plunged"
I interpreted this poem as a relationship poem, one which has ended. The friends (plural) seems inappropriate. And the verb plunged bothers me. The narrator has plunged once again into a tearful awakening, yes. So, something here is not clear. At least to me.
Also , that've does not exist. One may speak (improperly) that way, but in written English, you've no choice but to write out "that have."
Keep up the good work,
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If the poem's form was 12 syllables per line with an AABB rhyming scheme per quatrain, you are already behind with the form. Over half of the lines do not have the proper syllable count. In my opinion, behind/wide, remains/name and moor/raw do not rhyme, so the rhyme pattern is off also.
The second line - "I feel upon a vibrant grave..." has a wrong word. You certainly mean I fell upon...
Next is "To reside myself in a grave a few feet wide" where I think you need to reside WITH myself or reside ALONE or BY myself, but in any case there is something wrong here.
Lastly, the line - "What harm if of me only a skeleton remains?" is awkward. Why not have written "what harm if only a skeleton of me remains"? Of course this is one of the lines which doesn't have the proper syllable count either, so there is another problem to tackle.
There is a lot to correct if you want this poem to be well considered concerning its form. The content is another matter; I personally did not appreciate it. But not every reader can be faulted for not knowing how to appreciate the subject matter of every poem.
Keep writing. I have the feeling that this project was slightly ambitious.
There is a lot of strength in this poem. I like its simplicity and its directness. Isn't that always the answer we got from our parents : "but only your name echoes in the darkness"?
I am not sure that the presentation does anything for this text. And I don't like the semi-colon after the word "terror". That you have placed it alone on its own line gives it all of the space it needs.
Keep up the good work
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In your introduction on the Request Review Page you ask what is wrong with this poem.
It is not at all obvious from the first stanza of your poem that you love the person "more than words can say." To me, this catch-all phrase would be applicable if you had written superlatives, comparing this person's eyes with the most brilliant gems, for example.
Your last stanza is weakly written :
"I hope you see that this is simply fact in all I say" is not terribly well expressed. Better would be something like "I hope you see the facts in my simple words."
"And now I think you realize that I love you more than words can say" is not an evident conclusion to the first stanza. The person can realize that you have written a love poem, yes, but not that you love more than words can say.
I seem to be repeating myself. I guess that's an indication of how much I think the poem doesn't deliver the message you set out to send.
Fortunately, this is just one man's opinion.
Keep writing, and never fear trying new things
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Crimson is a synonym for red, and red eyes is an unusual eye color unless you're referring to bloodshot eyes. But your adjective "THOSE crimson eye implies that here eyes are still an asset in her aging face; so crimson seems wrong.
I would add an adjective describing her hair as still lovely, full or something to justify placing it before her face to mask the aging there - "so one can imagine she is still lovely" means that what one sees in front of her face is also lovely.
A good start and probably a lovely homage to a grandmother.
Keep up the good work,
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The central part of this poem seems to hint that the narrator's problems stem from his own low self-esteem. Then you finish it with a stanza which implies that he is being restrained by external forces, and I end up more confused at the end than I was in the middle.
Maybe I've gotten too old. Unfortunately this was not an inspiration as the author's introduction promised. Maybe you should be a bit more reserved in your introduction. There are readers here on WDC of all ages, religions, social statuses and nationalities and I really expected something sensational from your introduction.
But, as I say, I'm maybe too old.
Keep writing,
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We rarely get stories like this written from the father's point of view. Great idea.
The beginning is a bit chaotic, which properly translates the urgency of the situation, but I would have liked for you as a writer to take more time in your description of the scene. That your words happen on the page quickly and that there is only action expressed in them is not the only way to convey the urgency of the situation.
In my opinion, you finish the story way too quickly. The baby is delivered, the bath takes place and there is a paragraph to wrap it all up. Three paragraphs which in my mind don't do justice to the tender event which is the father giving the first bath to his newborn. The proud father never has takes a minute to be tender, to describe the process of the bath, and to me that's too bad.
With a bit more time to elaborate certain details this will be a top rate story; you have the outline, you have the ideas, there are many sensitive moments, but I feel the whole thing is too rushed.
Keep up the good work,
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Excellent. Your form seems correct (I don't know it but deduced correctly that it's seven syllables per seven lines with an A A B B C C A rhyming scheme where A1 is repeated at the end.)
You've mastered a calm sunset, and given it a more personal setting, by using the Cherokee adjective, which sets it in the Appalachians and not the Rockies.
I especially liked the copper skies. An adjective one normally doesn't get to describe a sunset's effect on the sky.
Lovely work
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I liked your description of daily life "minutia." You paint the scene well, with people saying nothing is wrong when everything is wrong. All of the pathetic gestures of a couple in a fight are present.
I have one major complaint - why is she stuck there? Why doesn't she have her key? This is important because you describe so well her frustration level. An out-of-town lover? Surely he'd have a key made for her so she doesn't get bored, can go to the library to study, etc. This is an important detail and one I would like resolved so that the story seems more believable.
Keep up the good work,
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