I am reviewing your poem "Alpha-Omega", previously published.
Initial Impression: Not my cup of tea as poetry goes but I do appreciate that you said a lot with few words and no doubt about the philosophical angle.
Rhyme & Rhythm: Freeform poetry that has been previously published. No grammar or syntax errors noted. No rhyme or set rhythmic pattern.
Overall Impression: Interesting poem in that it ascribes inanimate objects with animate or human properties. Application of the concept of (human) becoming theory within this poem is a unique approach as well as the concept of (human) striving or reaching toward a goal of being or birth.
TITLE: Your title is short but appropriate to the poem. The description was of interest and encouraged me to read further.
IMAGERY: Good use of imagery throughout the poem. My favorite part: A gust sweeps through the woods
Wraps its glacial arms around you,
Closing you in.
RHYMING & REPETITION:Freeform poem with inconsistent rhyming pattern.
RHYTHM: Freeform
STRUCTURE & FORM: Freeform poem posted in center format gives the reader the impression of travelling down a path.
SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT: I did not find any grammar or syntax errors.
OVERALL IMPRESSION: Creative imagery paints a vivid picture of what the writer is observing while following a path (visually supported by the poem's structure) through the woods in this freeform poem with occasional, almost accidental, rhyming. The reader will read to the last word.
Thank you for letting me review this poem. I enjoyed reading it; keep writing!
Sabaka
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TITLE: Short, but arouses curiosity. Your description is compelling.
IMAGERY: Gives the reader a glimpse into the early years and personality of your daughter. Well done.
RHYMING & REPETITION:Mixed rhyming pattern but it works. The word she is repeated throughout the poem and this also works well.
RHYTHM:Rhythm is fairly consistent, poem flows more like a story or prose.
STRUCTURE & FORM: This strikes me more as prose than poetry, yet there are rhyming elements throughout.
SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT: Split the poem into verses, give some breathing room, as this is intense and emotional.
OVERALL IMPRESSION: This is clearly a heartfelt work of poetry / prose that captures the reader's interest and curiosity. The parent's love and loss is evident and clear throughout the poem. The writer describes the daughter's personality and the reader feels the evolution and change as the child emerges to adolescence and young adulthood as well as the parent's distress and loss.
You have my sympathy and I admire your courage to write through this pain and about this loss.
Thank you for letting me review this poem. I enjoyed reading it; keep writing!
Sabaka
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TITLE: Appropriate to the subject, as is the description.
IMAGERY: The reader can "see" the child questioning his mother and "imagine" the puzzled look on the child's face and "hear" the concern in the Mother's voice.
RHYMING & REPETITION: Triplets composed in an aab rhyme scheme. This differs from the aaa or aba rhyme scheme normally found in triplets or tercet poems. Repetition is used on the ending line of each triplet verse; it works to add meter and emphasis.
RHYTHM: Fairly consistent throughout each verse.
STRUCTURE & FORM: Tercet or triplet form, with end rhymes and some occurrences of mid-line rhyming, perhaps not intentional.
SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT: No punctuation, grammar or syntax errors noted. (Just a thought - mothers go off to war now too:)
OVERALL IMPRESSION: Lyrical poem trying to address a child's question of why fathers must go off to war written in triplet form that evokes an image of a child's awareness of strife in the world why fathers must go off to fight.
Thank you for letting me review this poem. I enjoyed reading it; keep writing!
Sabaka
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I'm reviewing your poem Daydreaming in a kindled night
TITLE: Your title is unique and suggests the poem is about a dream. Your description aroused my curiosity. Nicely done.
IMAGERY: You choose words that are descriptive and you weave the daydreaming theme throughout your poem. The last line snaps the reader back to reality. it is easy to connect with the character in the poem and to enjoy the daydream too. Well-crafted.
RHYMING & REPETITION:
Rhyming is consistent throughout the poem using and aabb, etc. end-rhyming scheme. Repetition of the phrase "I was daydreaming in a kindled night" works well and reminds the reader of the writer's dream-like state without being literal - very well done.
RHYTHM:
Meter is also fairly consistent from verse to verse creating a lyrical quality to the poem. Pace is consistent, not rushed, but moves along nicely.
STRUCTURE & FORM:
The basic structure of the poem is that of a quatrain or four-line stanza adhering to an iambic pentameter form on many lines. Each verse or stanza builds on the previous one and brings the poem to a fitting conclusion. I also liked that the poem lines had some space between them (though not necessary) as did the stanzas and centering the verses clearly works well for this poem, supporting the dreamy theme.
OVERALL IMPRESSION: I thought the poem achieved its intended desire, to remind the reader of the intricacies of daydreaming and the abruptness of return to reality. I smiled as I read through to the end.
SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT: The sentences in each stanza have no punctuation to guide the reader. The writer does use space, but consider adding punctuation marks at the end of the rhyme. The writer use commas within line which tells the reader where to pause, but not at the end of the line and does not indicate where the end of the thought occurs, another signpost for the reader.
Thank you for letting me review this poem. I enjoyed reading it; keep writing!
Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever I say, whether positive or negative, is just my opinion!
Hi!
I’m reviewing your poem Christopher.
Hooks: Your first two lines were inviting enough for me to read further.
Overall Impression: 13 line poem, an almost sonnet about someone who is depressed and sad about their circumstance. I thought this described the plight of a homeless person quite well.
This was my favorite part: "And in this place of cold and trials,
I ask not for a god to adjust the dails" - (I think you meant dials).
Suggestions for Improvement: Spelling error noted and double "not not". There is no punctuation to sentences in this verse which is one line short of a sonnet. Rhyme is aabbcc, etc. format; rhythm starts to suffer on the 12th line where the style also changes.
Final Thoughts: Poem about one's retreat to a solitary life perhaps forced by circumstance. Poem ends on a patriotic note but these are words from a song and I think they need to be in quotes when used in another piece of work. Imagery suggests a sad lonely man trying to find a place in the world, perhaps come in from the cold, and unsure of the future. An interesting read.
I thoroughly enjoyed this little Christmas story! It held my interest to the last word; I was curious about what Santa's new plans would be and very hopeful the elves would get to go home.
I could just picture all the little snow children with big innocent eyes and Frosty and Forstina bustling about. There were no grammar or syntax errors.
So hard to write a story in 100 words, but I think this is a good opening to a longer story. I say that because I want to know - where did she land, how was her landing, where was she climbing so high in the cold and why? There are many questions the story leaves unanswered because of its brevity.
I liked that you met the requirements, created a short story with punctuation but the story would benefit from the separation of the verbal exchanges onto separate lines and perhaps a paragraph break. I would also recommend decreasing the length of last sentence, eliminate the "and" and create a separate final sentence - "A grin spread across her face!"
(But here again, I want to know why she was grinning.)
Please keep writing. You have a great intro and I hope you expand this into a short story. Overall, it was an enjoyable read.
Sabaka
Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever I say, whether positive or negative, is just my opinion!
I am reviewing Counting Your Blessings for the “Newbies are the Judge” contest. This poem is composed of three verses in hymn meter and a couplet. The imagery used by the writer reminds us to be grateful to our Creator; we have many blessings.
My favorite part was the last two lines: “Thanksgiving comes but once a year
Yet our blessings are always near”.
This piece held my attention all the way through and reminded me of past family Thanksgiving gatherings. The poem flows fairly well, but more punctuation would have helped the reader.
What I liked least was the phrase “we have got”; it feels awkward and I wonder if other word choices could support the flow…..such as “we should be grateful for our bountiful lot
All in all, it was an enjoyable read and a nice reminder.
I enjoyed the imagery and the expression of faith in the Almighty in the midst of life's stormy journey. Your poem flows, has good rhyme and rhythm and I did not see any punctuation errors.
My favorite part is 'the rain is tears of happiness'. I also liked the sense of community you created with your words painting a picture of a life shared with others.
I really liked this! (I have been reading about this type of poetry and I realize that it can be more than one word per "letter"). I think that you captured the essence of the word "astonishment" completely!
My favorite part is "Simple faith and amazing dreams, Helps our thoughts run free".
Enjoyed this very much; did not see any grammar, syntax or punctuation errors. I look forward to reading more.
This is an interesting work. Freeform poetry perhaps? You use creative imagery to paint a picture for the reader. The poem suggests an awakening from a cold darkness and a new-found understanding of life's journey with a desire for eternal life.
My favorite part of this was the very first line because it paints a picture - and I wanted an answer to my immediate question - "What was blue against the darkness of space?" .
I enjoyed this poem and hope that you add more verses. My only disappointment was that I wanted to hear more at the end. It flowed and has good rhyme and rhythm. I liked the explanation you placed at the end regarding the form and rhyme scheme as well.
Absolutely loved and enjoyed this enticing story! Applaud your creativity and how well you inserted the word prompts into the story. Horses are a love of mu=ine as well and I could picture this encounter easily. I think this would make a great beginning to a short book about your adventures with the mare!
Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your
story! Whatever I say, whether positive or negative, is just my opinion!
Hi there!
I'm reviewing Right Off the Top of My Head
Hooks: Your description was intriguing when combined with the title.
Overall Impression: Love the concept of an organized mind like a filing cabinet!
This was my favorite part: What a feeling to relax and enjoy an entirely new state
of mind as I crawl in bed;
and there’s that word, surprise, surprise!...right off the
top of my head.
Final Thoughts: The concept for this poem is exceptionally fin, unique and creative. The content brings the reader to the 'surprise" ending and links back to the title; very well done! However, the poem suffers from a bit of disjointed rhythm in the beginning and that affects the flow of the poem. The creativity and imagery used to bring the reader through the process of organizing is excellent!
Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your
story! Whatever I say, whether positive or negative, is just my opinion!
Hi!
I’m reviewing Madame Birch.
Hooks: Your first line
Overall Impression: Abundant use of imagery describes a birch tree in autumn and the descriptors bring the scene to life.
This was my favorite part: Madame Birch, if I may be so bold, where do you hide your silver
Final Thoughts: The font for your poem is quite small, which makes it hard to read and the font color is quite light on my screen. While the grayish color complements the tenor of the poem, it is almost too small to see. Just a thought.
Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your
story! Whatever I say, whether positive or negative, is just my opinion!
Hi!
I’m reviewing Grandpa's Room.
Hooks: The first sentence reminded me of my grand-father-in-law's cherry tobacco aroma that emanated from the library he always used as a sitting room.
Overall Impression: Wow! Really an enjoyable interesting read. Just enough to pique my internet, hold my attention and make me want to read through to the end.
This was my favorite part: I only hope she feels my touch, my love... and my tears.
Final Thoughts: The only part I found a little confusing was the section about "what is a cauldron, Grandpa" and then the switch to the "Big One" reference. I wanted an answer and an explanation, but that might have just been me :) No errors noted.
Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever I say, whether positive or negative, is just my opinion!
Hi!
I’m reviewing Untitled Dos.
Hooks: Your title because it made no sense to me:)
Overall Impression: This short poem captures the pressure that being in the corporate world places on people, how they feel about decisions that are made that they are powerless to effect.
This was my favorite part: I really liked the first stanza.
Final Thoughts: Consistency with your formatting would help the poem. Either capitalize each sentence after the first or do not, but be consistent, even if it is a continuation of thought. I thought that the "So die!" phrase could stand alone between verses. Play around with this. Finally, in a few short verses you captured the heart and soul of the corporate world. Nicely done!
I am reviewing your poem The Story of Our Lives. It was an easy and comfortable read. Your story flowed and overall it has good rhythm and rhyme. I did not find any spelling or grammatical errors.
My only suggestion would be to revisit the last verse, as the focus of the poem seems to shift from your love for each other to love of God. I understand that you want to include a reference to your faith but try not to lose the focus of the poem. I do really like this section:
But favoring each other’s wills,
The story of our lives;
The faith and hope that love instills
Is how our union thrives.
Maybe you can reflect that strength of connection in the last verse when you re-connect?
Just some thoughts, it's really well done overall. Thanks for sharing this!
Sabaka
PS: It was also a pleasure to read an item with appropriate grammar, syntax, and spacing. Write on!
Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your
story! Whatever I say, whether positive or negative, is just my opinion!
Hi peacefulhippie!
I’m reviewing Untitled 1
Hooks: Your description caught my attention and I was curious as to why you left the poem untitled.
Overall Impression: Your attempt to capture a fisherman's struggle is noted in the first two stanzas.
This was my favorite part: Yet they fish be it sun or rain,
and carry on with their lives so plain
Final Thoughts: The poem feels unfinished. The transition between the middle and last stanza is abrupt and truthfully almost seems off-topic. I really did want to read more about the life of the fisherman and how industrialization has affected their livelihood and it just ended. I wanted to hear more about how the fish were affected, what the size of the catch was now, how the number of boats had decreased.....you get the idea I'm sure.
Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your
story! Whatever I say, whether positive or negative, is just my opinion!
Hi Poemwriter!
I’m reviewing Old Slow Tortoise
Hooks: Your title piqued my interest.
Overall Impression: Poem is telling story of an old slow tortoise that is trying to hide his mangos, his food source. the tone of the poem is plodding, like the tortoise. Well done!
This was my favorite part: Old slow tortoise
who lives inside a hole
A lazy monkey with bad mind
Stole the mango from behind
Final Thoughts: Some verbs were present tense, some in the past. The poem contrasted well the active life of a monkey with the slow plodding life of a tortoise.
Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your
story! Whatever I say, whether positive or negative, is just my opinion!
Hi!
I’m reviewing Heavenly home
Hooks: The first two lines drew me in and I began to be curious about the rest of the poem.
Overall Impression: An interesting description of souls going to either Heaven or Hell is carried through in poetic fashion. Most lines have good rhyme and rhythm.
This was my favorite part: No wonder the angels here were singing
Singing praises and clapping and dancing
It was the beginning of another life
A life without worry and strife
Final Thoughts: The poem is logical but there are syntax errors. For example, "the streets of heaven was paved with gold" is incorrect and should be "the streets of heaven were paved with gold". Was is used with a singular noun; streets is plural. There are a few of these errors. Also, I think the poem would be easier to read, anticipate and appreciate if stanzas were separated instead of running it all together. While there is no hard and fast rule on formatting, I personally do not like to see poems formatted as one long narrative.
Overall, an interesting perspective with creative religious imagery containing a description of the differences of residing in Heaven versus Hell.
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