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Review of Hope and Despair  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow. You have a brilliant knack for poetic verse, particularly for imagery and metaphor. I feel like you found all the right words. Beautiful.

I have some specific comments and suggestions for you. You are the writer and get the final say on how your piece is written. I'm just a reader with a few opinions, which you might be interested in. *Smile*

Bearing with unbearable thoughts
I love the conflict here: an impossibility made possible.

Torturing yourself with the taste stuck on your tongue,
This surprised me, because I wasn't expecting the piece to be written in second person. It wasn't until line 4 that the first "you" jumped out at me. Maybe make it clear that *I* am experiencing this from line 1? That would prevent me from getting pulled out of your imagery by confusion.

The flavor of friendship, love, and betrayal
I love the use of taste here, an under-utilized sense.

early promises with the moon
Imagery! Yes, I could visualize a memory that never was, but that you created, of staring out the window at the moon, making those promises.

when hurt slices you open
Imagery! And doesn't it slice you open?

Living through the piercing memories of betrayal
This wasn't my favorite line. First, you've already talked about memories of betrayal, and in the spirit of word economy that you've used throughout, this jumped out as repetitive. Also, we're being sliced and pierced? It borders on angst.

Confronting reality halfway to your home
I like how you've implied that you travel from dreamland to wakefulness, as on a path.

Which is only there to show you, with strong love,
That as long as you believe, you are never truly alone
I like this ending a lot, so understand that before my comment. I only wonder whether it expresses clearly to the reader who is that hope? Is it God, or another spiritual entity? Is it your friends and family? I feel like this would be such a great closing, such a resolution, if only it were clearer who is with you. As it is, it feels like an empty promise: "you are never truly alone" - and if I were struggling with despair and betrayal and reading this, I would want a more solid, believable comfort.

Thanks for sharing your work. Write on!

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Review of Winter Break  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I loved this story. I especially love that we never get to know who is responsible for taking over the people in this town.

I have some specific comments and suggestions for you. You are the writer and get the final say on how your piece is written. I'm just a reader with a few opinions, which you might be interested in. *Smile*

“five more minutes” she uttered
Capitalize the first word in the quote, and put a comma at the end of it to signify that the phrase outside the quote refers to the one inside the quote: "Five more minutes," she uttered...

she uttered almost silently Be careful with adverbs. You don't want to use too many. You're telling the reader how she uttered, instead of showing the reader. I'd like to hear the voice in my head rather than just know the utterance was "almost silent." For example: "she uttered, her voice whispery like a light spring wind rustling through the trees" or "she uttered, her voice scratchy like a needle on an old-time record player" or just "she uttered, her voice scratchy and hoarse".

picked herself up from the floor, dragging her duvet with her and made her way down the stairs If you use a comma to separate a clause, make sure you separate the clause on both sides: "...picked herself up from the floor, dragging her duvet with her, and made her way..."

t said ‘I’m bold, creative, sassy and you wish you could rock stripy socks like this.’, just the way Risa liked it. I loved this line!!! It tells us a lot about your character. I like her, which is good. The reader should like your main character.

...there was not a single person in sight. The curtains were all drawn... Great job with showing here. I could visualize this scene clearly in my head, and it was eerie. *Thumbsup*

her mind was forced to reel again Try to avoid passive statements like this. This is passive because her mind didn't DO something - instead, something (some invisible, unspecified force) DID something to her mind. Make it ACTIVE by giving her mind the action: "...her mind reeled again..." Especially in a suspense story like this, but really in any story, you want the plot to move along. Active verbs help.

At lunch she had been met with the entire student body taking identical sized bites of perfectly cut sandwich at the same time and bringing a carton of juice to their lips soon after. Again, nice showing. You do a good job of setting the scene.

But as Risa entered art and looked at where the charming teacher would usually be sat, she found that he had become emotionless Because you said, "where the charming teacher would usually be sat," I expected to find him NOT sitting there. In your next sentence, it's clear he IS sitting there. For clarity, and to move your plot along, I suggest you just cut that part and say, "But as Risa entered art, she found that the charming teacher had become emotionless..." or something like that.

“tomorrow will be a different day.” She said to herself sleepily before letting her eyes close. Similar to before, watch your format around quotes. It should be: "Tomorrow will be a different day," she said to herself...

Great ending! I did like that the source of the wristbands was unresolved. I wondered why Risa was the last to get one. Also, a note about perspective: Throughout the story, you're telling it from Risa's perspective. The reader is inside her head. But in the last line, it's almost like the reader is outside her head, looking on. Be careful with perspective changes like that. It can confuse the reader. I realize in this story, you don't want to be inside her mind at the end, because it's been taken over, and you haven't revealed HOW. But... I argue that you could still end inside her mind. Use your imagination. What is inside her mind? Anything at all? Is she trapped in there, screaming, trying to get out of a body that mechanically goes through emotions? Or is her mind just as numb as her body? In either case, she might notice the wristband flashing, and you might tell the reader her reaction.

Just a thought. *Smile*

Thanks for sharing your work. Write on!

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Review of The New Rule  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I have some specific comments and suggestions for you. You are the writer and get the final say on how your piece is written. I'm just a reader with a few opinions, which you might be interested in. *Smile*

The bare trees that shrouded the school’s playing fields swayed in the cool morning breeze. I loved this entire paragraph. Great job establishing your setting! You helped me see it in my mind.

I found a few polishing opportunities, and I'll try to give some examples:

As more students arrived, they walked over to the large mass too. Should be a comma before "too"

And they weren't even chatting to each other. Should be "with" each other; also, no need to start the sentence with "And"

Eliza found that hard to believe since this was the first day back at school. Try a comma after "believe"

“Simone! Thank god you’re here. Capitalize "God"

I loved this line:
Everyone is acting so…” she paused as her friend walked straight past her and join the ever expanding group of students.

“…weird” she ended her sentence...

I could picture Simone walking by with that blank, zombie-looking expression on her face, Eliza pausing mid-sentence. Well done! A polishing idea there:

"...weird" she ended... Should be "...weird," she ended..." Alternatively, you might consider removing the phrase "she ended her sentence" altogether. It's wordy and unnecessary. It's obvious to the reader that she ended her sentence. How about just saying something like this:

"...weird." She watched as more of her friends started to pass."

In fact, while we're on the subject, how about taking out the word "started." A trick to good storytelling: Don't START. Don't BEGIN. Just do. Here's what I mean:

"...weird." She watched more of her friends pass.

What do you think? In this way, you jump straight to the action, which is the interesting part. Personally, I think it makes the story more likely to draw a reader in. A story is in danger of getting boring if there are too many words that don't say anything new.

Try looking for other opportunities to remove unnecessary words. See if you find anything. *Smile*

One more quick note: You spelled your protagonist "Elisa" and "Eliza" at various points.

Fabulous ending to your story! It gave me the creeps. I especially loved that Mr. Crow changed sides. Nice job building suspense. You had me trusting him all the way up until she was held down in the dark room.

Thanks for sharing your work. Write on!

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What a delightful poem! I really enjoyed reading it. *Smile* Love can be so sweet at times.

I have some specific comments and suggestions for you. You are the writer and get the final say on how your piece is written. I'm just a reader with a few opinions, which you might be interested in. *Smile*

First, I noticed some really nice formatting and rhyme schemes. I wondered why you weren't consistent, though? You have such a good start, but each of your verses seems to have slightly different "rules" that you've established. I bet if you play with the wording a bit, you can find a rhythm and you can maintain throughout.

Some punctuation notes:

That swift glance I stole from you,
Melted my heart--couldn’t believe it was true
Do you need a comma after "you"? The glance melted your heart, right?

And if by luck, you’ll love me too,
You might consider adding a comma after "if" or removing the one after "by luck" to be consistent. Either separate the phrase "by luck" with commas on both sides, or don't separate it at all. Either is acceptable.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this line:
When I could’ve stolen your heart
But instead, you took my breath away...

You said it twice - once in the opening, and once at the closing. It makes me pause as a reader. What does the narrator mean by this? This person must have been captivating, taking the narrator's breath away like that. How could the narrator have stolen his heart? It makes me think that the narrator is normally on top of her game, normally has the boys wrapped around her finger, but this one froze her in her tracks. And yet, she loves this about him.

Thanks for sharing your work. Write on!

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Review of Going Insane  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello and welcome to Writing.Com! I just enjoyed reading your lyrics, "Going Insane." I would love to know if you have set this to music. I love the dark mood and can almost hear a driving bass rhythm and screaming electric guitar solo as a third verse.

My favorite line:
Black raindrops falling down
This was so... dark.

Speaking as someone who has set lyrics to music, I have some polishing suggestions, if you're interested. You are the author, though, and get the final say on how your piece is written. *Smile*

This line is a bit of a mouthful for a sung lyric:
This shouldn't happen.

First, the word "shouldn't" is mostly consonants, whereas vowels are much easier to sing. Also, the word "happen" has the first syllable stressed, compared to its rhyme, "again," which has the second stressed. Actually, your parallel lyric in the second verse also has the last syllable stressed, "my bed."

I loved your whole second verse, but wonder if it can be tightened a bit? For example:

...on top of my head.
Pounding on it like the pain

Do you need to specify "on it"? If you just said, "Pounding like the pain," would it be obvious what it's pounding on? I suggest it is, because you just specified that in the previous line.

I also thought this line was too long and might be tightened:
I get when I let you in my bed.

Actually, the internal rhyme in this line is very well-placed for a song:

I get
when you let

This could work very well when set to music. The only problem is, you didn't do the same thing in the first verse. Maybe you could consider that instead of tightening.

The only other thing I'd like to see is another verse! The verses are so short, especially compared to the chorus, so it feels imbalanced. But, again, a nice electric guitar riff might do the job nicely. You could even do both.

Thanks you so much for sharing your work! I really enjoyed reading it. Write on!
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Review of One Starry Night  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, and welcome to Writing.Com! I just read your piece, "One Starry Night." Is this a song? It's listed as poetry but has a very lyric feel to it. I could see this easily set to music, and I loved the flow. It was a joy to read. *Smile*

I have some specific comments and suggestions, if you're interested. You're the author and get the final say on how your piece is written.

First, I was confused about whether this love was real or wished for. I am fairly sure it's the former, but some things confused me about it. Normally in poetry or lyrics, I like some ambiguity, some room for interpretation on the part of the reader. In this case, though, I struggled with the mood. Is this piece delighted or wistful? I couldn't tell. Specifically, you said,

I was singing to the sky...
This implies (s)he is not singing to his/her lover, and that he/she is wistful. Yet:

If I am only dreaming tonight,
Let this slumber take eternal flight
This implies (s)he is with his/her lover, and that the love they share is blissful. I couldn't figure out which it was.

Then this changed the mood entirely:
Everyday I see shadows pass by
Throughout the night, I hear voices cry
Now is the protagonist grieving a lost love? I think so for a moment, but then I read on and see this line, which is my favorite line, by the way:

I won't promise to pluck you a star
This line through the end implies that the relationship exists, but maybe the lover wants more than the protagonist is willing to give?

I love the assonance here:
So new, so true... it's all about you
This line would be fabulous in song.

I was really confused by this comma:
Binding the joys, in you I find
It seems to make more sense without the comma (I find joys in you), versus with the comma (I find smelling the words in you).

Just a note that I'm not sure I understand your rhyme scheme. The two stanzas don't seem to follow the same set of rules.

And I wondered if this was a typo?
Smelling the words "love" from the air
Should this be "word" (singular)?

I hope you've found my comments helpful! If you have set this to music, I would love to hear it. Keep writing!
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello and welcome to Writing.Com! I just read your entry in the "Dear Me" contest, and I think it looks great! I just know you can accomplish everything that you want to. You are focused, and you have good goals. Just don't let them fizzle! Keep them at the center of your life. You have to take care of you. Congrats on starting school!

I have some suggestions about your writing, if you are interested in hearing them. You're the author and get the final say on how your piece is written. I'm just a reader with some opinions that you might be interested in. *Smile*

"I want to tell myself ..." I wondered if you might consider saying, "I want to tell you..." instead? Because in the first sentence, you said, "Today I am writing you..." If you use "you" both times, it would be consistent.

"to do list" should be "to-do list" because "to-do" is an adjective.

"enter all of the writing contest I can." I think you mean "contests"

...this is a great goal, by the way! *Thumbsup* Contests are a great way to motivate you to write.

"I want the plain truth of everything I can get my hot little hands on." I didn't understand this. Does this mean you normally struggle to get the plain truth with things?

"I have a werid cough and thats becasue I have gained weight." I noticed a few typos in this sentence:
"weird"
"that's"
"because"

Another item on my list... I wondered why you started a new paragraph here? The items listed in the first paragraph are all varied, so this is one more item to add to the list. If you were going to start a new paragraph for each item on the list, you might want to break the first paragraph up.

" to get my husband of five years gets done with some schooling." This sentence is confusing, like maybe it's missing a word? Maybe you meant, "...husband of five years TO GET done..."?

"I am also going to stop feeling like a 200lb freak that cant hold a job." Should be "two-hundred-pound freak" and "can't"

You're not a freak, by the way. I was two hundred pounds about a year ago and I've lost weight, finally, after years of trying. If I can do it, so can you!

I am so excited for you. Good luck at meeting all your 2009 goals, and keep writing!
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Review of In A World  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow. This piece is about an old friend? I'd hate to be your enemy. *Bigsmile*

Seriously, this a dark and bitter piece, wrought with anger. Yet, I see two possible interpretations. Perhaps this truly is about a friend, one who dares to stand by your side in your world of Hate, Death, and Pain. Or, perhaps it is this 'friend,' who by residence alone, has created this unpleasant world for you. My initial reaction was to assume the latter.

I wondered if some commas might be appropriate:

"...and peace, Hate..."
"...and hope, Death..."
"...and prosperity, Pain..."
"...Hate, Death, and Pain, You..."

One other comment: I understand why you capitalized Hate, Death, and Pain. In doing so, you have personified them. However, why did you capitalize "You"? It wasn't necessary, since "you" refers to this friend, who is already a person. Unless you are referring to God, in which case, the "You" is appropriate, and this piece is even darker than I imagined.

Thanks so much for the read! I hope you found my comments helpful. Write on! *Smile*
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Review of Pumpkin  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello and welcome to Writing.Com! "Pumpkin" - an interesting title. I would have never guessed the context.

I really enjoyed this story. I bought your characters and felt their pain. Your ending was emotional and tragic. Great work! I've compiled some specific comments and suggestions, if you're interested. Remember, ultimately, you're the author and get the final say on how your piece is written! I'm just a reader with some opinions. *Smile*

I confess that I had a hard time getting into your story at. I like the second person perspective because it's unique. I struggled with it because I'm not male, and even beyond that, I couldn't relate to his lifestyle. It's vastly different from mine. As the story progressed, I started to empathize with him, so you did a good job with character development, but the second person made it difficult for me to buy it at first.

This was hilarious:
...he waxed on about the stock market and his recent decision to invest in WalMart. The snot-bubble was kind of gross, but funny as hell. *Thumbsup* I did think the sentence was a little long - maybe one too many "and"s? For the record, this was about the point in the story where I started to get into it.

I loved this line:
"...you thought he might be better off investing in a power washer." Your protagonist is a bit of a smart-ass, isn't he?

"She stood in the doorway and smiled and brushed the hair from her eyes." Too many "and"s again? Maybe, "...in the doorway, smiling, and brushed..."? I like how you're building both Julie's character and the relationship here.

Since the boy had been born and you had begun to work in the paper mill and Valerie had taken a job at the bank, she no longer smiled like that. Lots of "and"s again. Here you've done a nice job of developing the relationship with Valerie. This reminds me of a Bruce Springsteen song, "The River." Sad when life interferes with fun. *Frown*

Julie laughed and said, "make yourself at home" as she... Editorial: "...said, "Make yourself at home," as she...

.. and Valerie had said that she had decided that Julie was a bad influence on the boy. Confusion. What boy? Do you mean Mike? Or the protagonist?

You continued to hold her, feeling her deep fast breathing slow down and watching her chest begin to tighten. I love this whole scene. You did a fantastic job of showing here. The actions and dialog tell the whole story: What they're both feeling, how they handle it, what questions remain in their minds. I'm there with your characters.

It was now dark outside and you wondered how the time had gotten away from you. This seems a little unbelievable. Did so much time really pass? The action didn't seem to indicate that, unless I missed something.

Passive-aggressive (this could not end well). This is an incomplete sentence, and the paranthetic phrase was oddly out of place with the style of the rest of your piece.

Then you noticed that Valerie was walking up the path of concrete pavers that led to your front door. Great ending! I saw this coming, but not immediately. It was about here that I suspected:

You looked back out the window and saw that Mike was leaning over into the passenger seat, but you could not see very well with the headlights in your face. At this point, I knew Valerie was in the car with him.

Nicely done. You have a real knack for character development and presenting your plot through action.

I hope you've found my comments helpful. Write on! *Smile*
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60
Rated: E | (3.5)
What a sad, lovely poem. You've captured feelings of grief and longing, and you make me ache with you.

Some specific comments and suggestions are below, if you're interested. *Smile*

I took the path we use to take so long ago. "Used" to take?

Nature was beautiful, the snow covered ground,
the leafless trees. Nice imagery. Setting a scene helps draw a reader in. Editorial: should be "snow-covered" because it's an adjective.

However I could not give it the attention it deserved. This felt awkward in the context of the piece. I'm not sure why. I think the word "however" felt cumbersome to me.

I kept looking at the ground, where your foot had been, Ah, our first hint that this is an emotional piece. And you've used imagery - the visualized footprint - to show us this, rather than just saying outright, "I miss you." Showing with imagery is a much better poetic tool and you've used it nicely here. *Thumbsup*

trying to imagin you next to me. Typo: "imagine"

but to my mind I remember it like yesterday. "In" my mind? Also, did you mean, "like it yesterday"?

Yesterday when I was full of life,
just like the trees full of leaves. Nice comparison. I wonder if you need the word "just"? You could tighten up the line with no impact to meaning or imagery if you removed it.

Over time feelings faded,
the leaves fell.
Seasons changed,
It got cold, but this time it was different,
winter never felt so cold.

I love the whole comparison of your lost love to loss of plant life in the winter. The analogy works for me all the way up through "Seasons changed." But your last two lines confuse me.

"this time it was different" - what time? Did you lose love before? Or did you mean this winter, compared with other winters? This is confusing.

I love your closing line, "winter never felt so cold," but the previous line I found awkward because of the confusion I mentioned, and because of your use of the word "got." Is there a better way to express the change of season than to say "it got cold"?

Thanks so much for the lovely read. It makes me think of a song by Dar Williams called, "February."

I hope you found my comments helpful! Write on!
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Review of Lift Me Up  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a beautiful poem of humility and gratitude for unconditional grace. It was moving. It made me think of a Jeremy Camp song, "I'll Take You Back." Do you know it?

You've seen the light, and now you're sharing it. Well done, my friend. *Thumbsup*
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Review of Conception  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This review is for your entry in "Invalid Item" 

Word count: 55 words! *Thumbsup*

Plot and content: This was hilarious! I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I loved the conversations. You said so much with so little dialog. I also loved your play on words with the use of "divide and multiply." I was a bit confused by the last quote, though. Why would the woman say, "NO GOD...IDIOT..."? It sounds like his reply, ("OH, MY GOD!") was unexpected or didn't make sense to her. Yet, it made perfect sense to me. He is shocked by the news, and his reply is a normal one.

You might consider setting your item type and genres.

Technical errors:
And their off... Should be: "And they're off..." (they're, not their)
...hummingbird winged... Should be: "...hummingbird-winged..." (hyphenated)
...pregnant" Should be: "...pregnant." (with a period)
...PREGNANT" Should be: "...PREGNANT." (with a period)

Thanks for entering! Join us again.
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Review of A Woman Scorned  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This review is for your entry in "Invalid Item" 

Word count: 55 words! *Thumbsup*

Plot and content: I love your premise! Not only have you pointed out how fragile a female ego can be, you've also demonstrated the power of that accusation, so easily uttered, yet so incredibly life-altering. It's frightening. Great job.

Technical errors:
I saw no grammar, usage, or spelling errors. However, I thought this sentence was wordy:
Her raised finger had pointed accusingly at the innocent man in an attempt to pass her feelings of guilt to another.

I got lost in all the prepositional phrases.

Also, a general comment: Nearly your entire story is written in past perfect tense. Examples:
...had pointed...
...what had he done...
...had approached...
...had invited...
...had simply said...

In fact, the only sentence that takes place in the story's current time, which you've written as past tense, is this one:
Now he sat awaiting a trial, confused.

This was also past tense, but inconsistently so:
She sought him later, wanting a relationship.

I suggest reconsidering your past perfect use.

Thank you for sharing your story! I enjoyed reading it. *Smile*

Thanks for entering! Join us again.
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Review of Night Sweats  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review is for your entry in "Invalid Item" 

Word count: 55 words! *Thumbsup*

Plot and content: Aww... your story made me smile. You offer a nice plot twist, and a touch of irony in that the growling dog is probably not unlike the snarling beast of his dream. You might reconsider your use of adverbs (shakily and softly). Are there ways to show this, rather than tell the reader outright?

Technical errors:
No errors noted.

CONGRATULATIONS ON WINNING 3RD PLACE IN ROUND 75 OF "Invalid Item"  !

Thanks for entering! Join us again.
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Review of Welcome to Earth  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is for your entry in "Invalid Item" 

Word count: 55 words! *Thumbsup*

Plot and content: Fabulous job with the comedic timing! I loved your plot twist. You made me laugh out loud. Unfortunately, what makes this story funny is its irony. I buy it; this is likely to happen in our current culture. So great job on believability and the sad-but-true statement you've made about society, as well as the satirical humor.

Technical errors: I only found one minor technical error:
"...an end to hunger and the cure..." Should be: "...an end to hunger, and the cure..."

CONGRATULATIONS ON WINNING 2ND PLACE IN ROUND 75 OF "Invalid Item"  !

Thanks for entering! Join us again.
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Review of Ghosts  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Meg, your sonnet made me giggle! The best part is imagining how you would explain to your Mum why you whacked her with a pillow. *Smile*

I have some specific comments and suggestions below. These are just my personal opinions! I'm no expert; just a reader who liked your poem.

*I loved your first stanza! I could see the narrator sitting in her chair in the gloom, sipping her wine, her eyes darting around in fear for the ghost. You did a good job with imagery. *Thumbsup*

*Make sure you capitalize "I" (every time! You said "i" several times.)

*The second stanza had a different rhyme scheme than the first and third - did you mean to do this?

*In the second stanza, you said "pain" twice. Personally, word repetition distracts me. It makes me think, didn't you just say that? If you can reword either of them, it would help me stay in the poem without getting distracted.

*In the third stanza, you misspelled "shadow"

*Watch your tense. Most of the poem is in present tense ("I sit," "I try," "I feel...") but occasionally you slip into past tense ("It was as if...," "I grabbed...," "I picked...," "I found...")

Thanks so much for the fun read! Keep writing. *Smile*
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
ROFL! This was rude, crude, and flippin' hilarious! *Thumbsup* You've captured the voice of the Swedish Chef accurately in my head. The story line was one unexpected twist after another, which is also right in line with the character.

Thanks for the laugh. *Laugh*
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Review of The Falls  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Wow, what a chilling ending to this story! Despite the brevity of the piece, you still managed to build suspense and surprise me with your twist. Nice job!

A question, though... does the title of the piece imply that there are falls that Ashley's kayak will tumble over? You've left her status hanging in the end, which is a good thriller trick (Will she somehow get free and come back to incriminate Carrie? Will she die? Will her ghost come back to haunt Carrie, maybe enacting some sort of vengeance? Is there more to the story?) But if there were falls on the river that Ashley was headed toward, I think you could have spelled that out within the story. I only noticed the title after I started writing this review.

A note about perspective - there is a transition in the second-to-last paragraph in which the perspective changes from Ashley's to Jason's. I understand why you had to do this, since you leave the reader wondering what happened to Ashley. However, you could make a more obvious break between the two scenes so that the reader clearly understands the change without interpreting it. For example, a larger break between those two paragraphs or a line of some kind would prompt me to understand we've changed scenes. It took me a moment to realize that, which yanked me right out of a story that should have kept me hooked solid to the end.

This line was awesome: "the last thing she saw was a thick tree branch that hadn’t been there before." It put a very vivid picture in my head, like something straight out of a horror movie, of the protagonist turning in the silent woods and suddenly seeing a branch accelerating torward her face. I pictured the branch flying into my face and it even made me jump a little.

I did think that the beginning moved a little too quickly. You didn't have much time to explore characters because of the length of the piece, and I'm wondering if you had a word count limit? There are clearly motivations and a history that could draw the reader in more. I found myself only mildly sympathizing with Ashley, and not at all with either Jason or Carrie. Jason is a great character - he's just lost his mother and the woman who was to be his wife - and he was sort of ignored, just a convenience character. It's easy to just call Carrie a bad guy and leave it at that, but she had to have motivations that she thought were justifiable, too. You allude to it in your description line. How about giving the reader a little taste of what makes her tick, to build even more conflict into your story? Maybe make us feel sorry for her somehow, just a little? Character development like that can make a good story great.

A couple of minor editing considerations:
"They’d just recently lost their mother and his fiancĂ© in a tragic car crash." Confusing - mother's fiance? I think you meant Jason's, in which case it should be fiancee with two e's.

“You’re all that’s left between Jason and I.” (Jason and me)

"Carrie was the most inexperienced." Did you mean to imply that all three of them were inexperienced? This didn't sit well with me because your descriptions of Ashley's kayaking sounded like she knew what she was doing. Maybe better to say, "Carrie was the least experienced." - or, if Ashley and Jason are, in fact, inexperienced too, maybe make that a little more clear.


I hope my suggestions are helpful to you. Great job with the story and keep writing!
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Review of Too Late  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This was an incredibly engaging story. I was sucked right in and snagged to the end... a little emotional, too. Great job!

I have a couple of suggestions, if you are interested in them:

"His mind flipped backwards through the events of his life to the exact moment chosen by the little girl’s smile. He had no say in the matter." AND "Her dad had a new job and she had no choice in the matter." (These phrases were in close proximity and felt repetitive. I had actually already been pulled out of the story a bit by the first one because I felt it wasn't necessary. His mind flipped backwards, and he had no choice in the matter... isn't that usually the way? Our thoughts drift without our control to wherever they choose.)

"Nolan never saw her again. That had been over ten years ago." (This phrase was in italics with the rest of the flashback, yet this phrase refers to the present.)

“She is a dancer. Her name is Hanna,” she replied calmly. (Would a young child say "She IS a dancer," or maybe "She's a dancer"?)

"Mom was right here, what was there to worry about." (Maybe a question mark after "about"?)

‘What the hell am I doing?’ he thought suddenly shaking off his momentarily lapse. (Comma after suddenly... also, do you need the word "suddenly"? Just a note to watch adverb usage because it makes me feel like I'm reading someone's writing instead of reading a story, if you understand the difference in what I mean.)

Try as he might, the image of the little girl’s smile kept popping back into his head. (Try as he might to do what?)

He grudgingly gave it space grabbing at the feelings that came with it. (Comma after space?)

I hope my comments and suggestions help. Thanks so much for the read! Very enjoyable.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a really powerful piece. First of all, I love the title and your closing line. I can see the child with the almond eyes looking up at the sky, the clouds mirroring her stormy emotions. Well done!

I have some specific comments and suggestions. You are welcome to either use or ignore my suggestions as you see fit. You won't hurt my feelings one bit!

Your punctuation jumps out at me. If you choose to format this piece in complete sentences, you might consider doing that consistently. For example:

"Crystal tears falling from my almond shaped eyes."
and
"Crystal tears falling from my almond eyes,"
and
"Everyone seeing a loving mother,"

Not only are these incomplete sentences, but you have missed a wonderful opportunity for an ACTION, which packs more punch than a description, especially when your action is just as descriptive. For example, you could have said:

"Crystal tears fall from my almond shaped eyes."

You have given the reader then same description, but turned it into an action (and a complete sentence.)

Another place I saw an opportunity was here:

"But you could care less about me when we are alone."

Rather than start this sentence with "But..." you could have used enjambment, which is a great poetic tool, like this:

...holding her child's little hand so she won't get lost,
But you could care less about me when we are alone."

You used the tool here, and I really liked it:
"Bruises cover my body, your words stab at my soul,
Kindness a foreign feeling to me, love a distant memory."

Here you used no periods, which was inconsistent with the rest of the piece:

"My heart aches at the love I still feel for you, and at the growing hate
Seething hate, blooming now till it engulfs me, swallows me whole
Silently I scream, alone, oh Mother, can't you feel my pain"

One more thought that struck me was that some of your phrases were a little cliche. For example, you said this:

"Seething hate, blooming now..."
I loved your use of the word "blooming" here. It was unique. Then you said this:

"...engulfs me,
swallows me whole"
This jumped out at me as cliche and I lost the power of the "blooming" imagery. Maybe you could consider brainstorming about that and develop a thematic description? (meaning, use "blooming" and build from that.) Just an idea to consider.

Overall the poem was very good. It made me sad for the child with the almond eyes filled with crystal tears. What a powerful concept. Thanks so much for sharing your work! I look forward to reading more.


beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo
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Review of The Rial truth  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Let me catch my breath first... *Laugh*

I have seen three iterations of this piece now, and it has gotten funnier each time. I love "Aunt Millicent"... "Penny" was too nice of a name for someone who would blow Goldy off. "Ngwee" was great! It was the perfect toy for this story, because it was actually like that this past Christmas for the Wii systems, so it added a layer of believability. "You can't buck the system" was the perfect ending phrase. My favorite line? "so I lepta little higher" - I laughed out loud all three reads when I got to that gem. It solidified the imagery of a toy store crammed with people all vying for the same high-demand items, tripping and crawling over each other in mass chaos, toys flying everywhere.

Great job! *Smile* Good luck in the contest.
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Look what I found in the litter box this morning!
*Laugh*

What a marvelous children’s story! You have combined moral behavior and cultural education with action and an adorable, likeable little girl that children will relate to. Parents and children alike with enjoy the story. The pictures are amazing. I am in awe of your artistic talent.

My biggest constructive suggestion is to reduce wordiness. Sometimes too many descriptors or restating the same concept in several different ways to make a point can pull a reader out of the story rather than help explain better.

I have listed specific comments and suggestions below. My suggestions are my opinion only, and you are welcome to use or discard them as you see fit. You will not hurt my feelings if you disagree with me! *Smile*

CHAPTER 1
Picture: Excellent! I love how Xiao Ling is peeking around the doorjamb. Her sadness and uncertainty is evident in her posture. The colors are beautiful and the lines create an accurate picture. You have done a wonderful job with the cultural features.
Story:
“daughter of a farmer family” (farmer, farm family, or farming family)
“eventhough” (even though)
“poor - to the point that a decent meal was a luxury for them-” (this felt a little bulky; maybe just, “a decent meal was a luxury” or something less wordy)
“Xiao Ling never complained and had actually thought that she had everything she needed.” (bulky; at a minimum, maybe make “actually thought that she had everything she needed” more concise; I might even consider whether both “never complained” and “actually thought” phrases are necessary to make your point about her character)

“But one day, Xiao Ling father fell terribly ill. Little Xiao Ling and her mother was very, very sad. The girl really did want to find some medicines to cure her father, but they were only farmers - they couldn't possibly afford them!” (you are sucking me into the story)

CHAPTER 2
Picture: The detail on the dragon is incredible. I wonder about the lack of color. I like the picture as it is, but would have preferred for the pictures throughout to be consistent. That’s just an opinion! I imagine others might like the variety.
Story: Some more bulkiness here. If I might make a suggestion, try reading your story aloud. A children's story is likely to be read that way anyway. Does it flow smoothly? To me, some of your sentences are a little long. Also be careful of overusing descriptive punctuation such as exclamation points and ellipses. Use too many and they lose their power. In particular, I wondered why you used the ellipses at all. Why not just: "Its scales were also the most beautiful silvery-gold the man had ever seen. Ah, but the weren't only beautiful...(etc)." I wondered why the capitalization of The Old Man as if it were a title.

CHAPTER 3
Picture: Again, excellent job with the details! I was confused a little about the content, though. You have done a good job making Xiao Ling look like she is thinking. However, Xiao Ling and the dragon look like they are together. Is there a way to separate the dragon, make it look different somehow, so that it is more clear that the dragon is in her head? I am no expert on graphic arts and cannot make good suggestions. I am thinking of a thought bubble, or maybe she is in color and the dragon is not? Honestly, not my expertise; all I can say is that it does not currently appear that Xiao Ling is "real" and the dragon is in her head.
Story: I wondered why Xiao Lang had to scan the area to find the "supposed mountains" from her home. She should know that landscape very well, if she lives there. Why not just skip that sentence and have her take a deep breath and begin her journey immediately?

CHAPTER 4
Picture: Good job creating distance.
Story: It felt like a rough transition from "felt a little fear" to "tried her best to calm herself down" to "shouted at the top of her lungs." If she was really that nervous, she would have a hard time shouting that loudly, because nervousness creates shortness of breath. Maybe she builds her resolve with thoughts of her sick father? I felt like "tried her best to calm herself down" was a little weak. I would even go so far as to call it "telling," where "showing" would better make the point. Please tell me if you don't understand what I mean by this. If you could "show" Xiao Ling calming herself down, I might be more inclined to believe she was calm enough to shout at the top of her lungs.

CHAPTER 5
Picture: Ooh… I love this one. The scale looks magical. Your shading on the scale itself is just beautiful.
Story:
"How peculiar, the dragon had thought..." (You had a slight point-of-view shift here. The story is told from the perspective of Xiao Ling, and she has no way of knowing what thoughts went through the dragon's head.)
"he asked telepathically" (Perhaps you could describe how Xiao Ling heard the dragon speaking to her. Can you describe the dragon's voice inside her head?)
"Then the little girl starting telling..." (You could remove the word "started" and simply say, "Then the little girl told..." This is an example of unnecessary wordiness.)

CHAPTER 6
Picture: Xiao Ling’s facial expression is perfect. The setting is simple, yet clear.
Story: A nice plot twist, here.
down and hit his head?" Xiao Ling wondered to herself.

CHAPTER 7
Picture: I am confused about Xiao Ling’s face.
Story: Again, watch your use of exclamation points and ellipses.
"saving the old man's life was of more importance." (I struggled with this statement. More important that saving her father? I think the word "importance" may have been a bad choice. If I understand Xiao Ling's character well enough, then I think she feels compelled to help the old man because the need is more *immediate*. Is there a way to express that?)
"she fed the scale to the old man." (How? He is unconscious.)

CHAPTER 8
Picture: Facial expression and tears are great! I also like the shadowing on the wall, floor, and her mother’s arm.
Story:
"sun had already shone" (? Do you mean the sun had set?)
"finally sighed in relief" (would Xiao Ling have heard this from a distance?)
"her mother spotted this" (point-of-view slip)
"you're such a thoughtful daughter" (I love how Xiao Ling's mother praises her for her good intentions, even though things did not work out quite how Xiao Ling had hoped. This story has such a solid morality message in it - determination, kindness to others, personal sacrifice for others.)

CHAPTER 9
Picture: The details in both the old man and the dragon are fabulous! But like the thoughts of Xiao Ling on page 2, I would like to see more clearly that the dragon and the old man do not exist at the same time. Is there a way to portray one dissolving into the other? If not, maybe a split picture (one of the dragon, one of the old man) with the same background behind them?

Story: Another nice plot twist. One punctuation comment: I would not use two question marks. Your words should emphasize the emotions of your story, not your punctuation.

CHAPTER 10
Picture: Beautiful. The shading is lovely. I love the script on the word “End”.
Story: A wonderful ending to a beautiful tale! Watch your use of ellipses. Remember that an ellipsis represents missing words.)
"touched by your kindness towards someone you barely know" (necessary? could you end the sentence after "kindness."?
"The dragon's pearl nonetheless!" (maybe this is my ignorance about dragons, but do dragons have one and only one pearl?)
"Her father was cured" (how?)
"became rich and famous" (famous? Why is that significant? In my opinion, that cheapens the lovely morality lesson of the story a bit. In the beginning of the story you have described Xiao Ling as humble. I would have liked to see the pearl give her family enough to be comfortable, and perhaps help extended family, friends, neighbors, etc. if there is excess wealth to be had from the pearl.)

Thank you so much for the story! You have such a gift of illustration. You should sincerely pursue that.

** Image ID #1178194 Unavailable **
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Review of Morning  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is possibly the most beautiful and romantic work I have ever read.

"... in your sleepy waking the sun
will find its own celestial gift."

My words are inadequate. Anything I could say to express how this made me feel would pale against the words you have actually written, but I will try. I am not sure I have ever been touched so by words. The poem made me sigh. It nearly brought me to tears. It made me feel every inch of a woman. It made me desire, more than anything in the world, a man who would say such things to me.

Shame on you for setting the standard so high for men everywhere!!! *Laugh*

You have a remarkable gift.
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Review of Faith on Water  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a pretty concept. I find the piece thought-provoking, encouraging, and humble. Very nicely done! I wonder if you would consider adding "religious" or "spiritual" to your genre list?

Here are some specific comments and suggestions. You will not hurt my feelings if you disagree!

"as this huge, unobtainable being" ("this" in this context is a colloquialism that feels out of place in the work.)

"Than we often choose" (You have chosen to format your poetry with capitalizations at the beginning of each line. But the style of writing is rather conversational. The line breaks and caps break up your flow of thoughts and make it difficult to read.)

"We try to see the deep, dark forest for the trees
When what we really need is to view the lone trees themselves" (Though I understand the feeling you are trying to get across, this felt cliche. Is there another way to say it?)

"Mountain-moving experience, instead of being
The size of a mustard seed" and
"We look for it in the clouds and in the cosmos" (I love the concept you are driving here, which I think is the point of this piece. Great work! This is a concept we all need to be reminded of.)

"much more simplified" (This feels like an oxymoron: "more" with "simple"; it also felt unnecessarily wordy. You can paint your poetry with the words as much as the concepts, and if you simply this statement, it might be a really impactful way to paint the simplicity of faith.)

"what we place our faith in...Is not what’s truly important...But in something as simple as..."
(The flow here felt awkward, because of some subject/verb agreement issues. After subject "what" and verb "is", the word "but" should have been followed by a verb. Maybe this was just a typo, and "in" should be "is"?)

"as simple as our humanity" (This felt like irony to me. Humanity, simple? With respect to what? Was this supposed to be ironic? Irony did not fit with the simple humility of the rest of the piece, so it felt out of place, if it was.)

I hope you find my comments helpful. Thanks for sharing your work, and welcome to wdc! *Smile*
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Ooh, what lies ahead for Sharyn and Thomis? Romance, perhaps? Something more sinister? You have listed your genre as Sci Fi, and the blackouts have me wondering what's coming next.

Your spelling and grammar are excellent! I do have some specific comments and suggestions about your story and how you deliver it, listed below. You won't hurt my feelings if you disagree with anything (or everything) I suggest. *Smile*

"panic overwhelmed her"
"As she panicked and darted to the bedroom"
(Do you need to tell us twice that she's panicked? This is excess wordiness that bogs down the plot.)

"her very airless apartment was becoming stiflingly hot" (Another example. It was a bit slow getting through this scene. Do you need to tell us the apartment is both "very airless" and "stiflingly hot"?)

"She grabbed her flashlight from the silverware drawer" (Would she have not retrieved the flashlight when the power first went out, rather than 20 minutes later? I just lost my power Saturday night, and the first thing I did was grab my flashlight. It was dark in there, even in a house with lots of windows and a full moon.)

"thanked the heavens for all the experience" (To me, this seemed a bit excessive. If she was so experienced, it would be second nature to her. Therefore, she wouldn't thank the heavens for it, she would just do it.)

"but Mike suddenly becoming too busy to deliver it smelled like a setup" (I wondered if this was an editing error: "Mikel"?)

"a cubicle drone on the call floor" (I like this phrase. It tells us in a concise way both what Sharyn does, and something about Thomis's character.)

"Thank you, Thomis. Have a nice day." (Did he ever actually give her the information?)

"Sharyn was sitting in her cubicle waiting for Mikel to be ready when he appeared." (Do you mean Thomis appeared? By the way this reads, I thought you meant Mikel and was confused for a moment.)

"an economical compact car, she would have expected" (This is a run-on sentence. Maybe a "." or ";"?)

"I prefer to keep a pretty low profile," (This paragraph had some editing problems - no indent, and some extra-wide spacing.)

"Most of her supplies were freeze-fried" ("freeze-dried"? *Smile*)

"power outages are very common"
"gave me very common housewarming gifts" (Word repetition: "very common". Can you rephrase one of these?)

“Can we maybe get together again soon to discuss anything new we might find?” (I felt like this conversation was too short to have warranted an invite into Sharyn's apartment. Since they were both hesitant about Thomis coming up, the conversation should have been worth it, but the two or three sentences they exchanged could have occurred in the car.)

"Other than your dear husband, Eamon" (I'm not sure Sharyn would have said both "your dear husband" and "Eamon". She probably would have said one or the other, since presumably Hanna knows her husband's name. *Wink*)

"The only painful Part about seeing them" (Just an editing error here: capitalization on "Part" should be "part")

Thanks for sharing your story! I do like the romantic twist, but wonder if it will amount to anything since you haven't listed love/romance in your genres. Good luck with the rest of the story. Keep writing it!! *Smile*
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