This story was hilarious. Wonderful job on the dialect. I was completely sold. As fast-paced as the action in the story was, I could just imagine the narrator sittin' on the porch, taking his sweet old time in the telling. Characterizations on both the narrator and Lulu-Bell were perfect! I like how you started many paragraphs with a "Now..." statement. It cracked me up when she took off (in her truck, naturally), with her tail between her legs (so to speak) to hole up out of town. Side-splitting funny stuff.
It was hard to tell if these were accidental spelling/typo errors or intentional characterizations, but I'll point them out anyway in case you just missed them (I can't imagine spell-checker did much good for you on this piece!)
"They was rasin' the roof" (raisin')
"Customers started in ta panicing" (panicking)
Ooohhh.... That was a fun read. Quick-paced and engaging. The plot twists were unexpected: The sentient tape, the kitchen fire, the fire disappearing as if it never was, the characters come to life, the fact that the story was rejected again (I thought it might be accepted), Gen in living flesh in the living room, and John's death. All of these were surprises.
I have some suggestions, if you are interested:
"He grabbed the tape player and walked towards the window, unplugging itself along the way." (He unplugged itself? The subject does not agree with the verb here)
"trying to make end’s meet." ("ends")
"George reluctantly decided to go through Paul’s bedroom and sort out all of his personal belongings." (This was just a typo: "John's" not "Paul's".)
Thank you for the fun read! I look forward to more of your work. :)
Very nice poetry! You have painted such a beautiful picture in my head. Nice alliteration here: "Swallows and swifts swoop ‘cross the sky". A suggestion: I thought the phrase "she sure isn't shy" jumped out as informal in a more formal setting. Just my personal opinion to do with as you please! :)
Thank you for the read, and for allowing me to review your work.
Loved your opening paragraph. You sucked me right in with the conflict (between the "ever do this?" that you start with and the "don't do this" that you end with). You have a witty sarcasm throughout the piece that is fun to read.
Suggestions: You had some run-on sentences and minor grammatical errors.
Example:
You lost me in this sentence: "I came to the latter; an epic, even legendary thriller, one I had never wished to set before my eyes any further past the frightening cover." Can you clarify?
Also, another clarification:
Did you mean this: "my dumb curiosity and boldness snatched it beneath the arm" (your curiosity and boldness snatched it?)
Thanks for the read, and for allowing me to review your work! :)
What beautiful imagery! I envy the girl that this was written for... My favorite line was "her laughter, like poison, was now an infection."
My main comment is that I saw some extra commas that looked out of place. I think they were intended to establish a rhythm, but they are grammatically incorrect and not needed for this purpose (the rhythm is there in the words you have chosen). I have listed them below:
"nestled beneath, dark auburn hair."
"a soft gentle sway,
brought the heart pounding start of another day."
(I love this line, by the way)
"I know loving her, is making me ill."
"So how can I break these chains that have bound,
my heart to her soul and in agony drowned?"
Thank you for the story. Although I confess I struggled a little with the viewpoint on independent women (being a proud one myself), I thoroughly enjoyed the read. My comments and reactions are below. I have tried to keep them in the order they occurred in the work, rather than sorting by type of comment, for easy reference.
First paragraph: Awesome hook! I had a visual of this scene in my head before the end of the paragraph.
"She’s been dead for over ten frickin years!" “But I thought you liked my mother, Val." - Later, Val is referred to as a "young maiden". Also, Val claims to be engaged. I spent time away from the story pondering how long they'd been engaged, and how old they were when they began dating (for his mother to have known Val before her death). It could work, but it didn't reconcile immediately in my head, which I found distracting.
"Harold Kravitz leaned out of the window as far as he could, his short, stocky arm reached out a bit further as he tried to latch onto his girlfriend's portly leg." This is a run-on sentence, but I never saw another one, so I thought this might be a cut-and-paste error.
"The pure, cold air burnt her warm lungs and froze the back of her throat." This is another great example of brilliant imagery. The piece was riddled with them. I couldn't possibly list them all. (but I will if you like). :)
"Snowflakes fell like glitter and softly kissed her eyes." (another example)
"Sven impaled the first with his spear even as he drew his sword to meet the next assailant delivering a crushing blow." (nitpick: maybe a comma after "assailant"? I just had to read this twice to see it)
"displaying all her charms" (WITTY!! LOVE IT!)
"He spun to face the enemy screaming a violent war-cry that turned into one long piercing snarl of fury." (Another example. If I were the actor reading this script, I would have no trouble at all understanding what this is supposed to sound like.)
"she does not yet know that I am King" (I admit it: didn't see it coming. Nice twist!)
Last paragraph: I also didn't see this coming. I thought she'd end up back in New York. Another great twist, and the perfect ending to this tale! (much better than it would have been in NY...!)
Thanks for allowing me to read and review your work. I really enjoyed it.
Thank you for sharing your poem, and for allowing me to review it! I have no grammatical or spelling suggestions. Here are my reactions to your piece:
I liked the imagery of a storm as a metaphor to an impending conflict. You emphasized this with the repeated "Before the storm" phrase, which drove the intensity through the piece. I liked the analogy of hiding away inside of a shelter. I'm not much of an introvert but have on occasion hidden inside myself in such situations. Even as an extrovert, I could relate.
The piece ended somewhat abruptly, which fits the mood. I was okay with that. I wasn't sure I understood the last stanza, however.
Thanks again for allowing my feedback! I enjoyed your poem. I look forward to more.
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