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Public Reviews
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76
76
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
While I've never been the mother of a teenager, I have been the teenage daughter of a mother. This line really hit home:
"I had trouble understanding her, and it didn’t seem to matter to her whether or not she understood me."
There is no explanation as to why this was, but it was much the same for me. Even now, years later, I look back and can't explain it. You have captured those years with precision and it makes me sad.

I have listed specific comments and suggestions below. My suggestions are my personal opinions only, and you are free to ignore them if you disagree!

"I had no idea where she was."
On the Review Request page, you asked whether the story holds the reader's interest. Your opening paragraph did suck me right in, but it took so long to get through the background that when we reached the scene where your daughter drove away, I had forgotten how the story began. You might consider editing down the background to make it less cumbersome, and/or consider revisiting the call to the police, to remind us of the first paragraph. This is biographical, so I imagine it would be hard to edit out your own words. I humbly suggest considering your background for relevance. For example:

"I just turned thirty-nine" (Your age does not add to the drama, or my understanding of this story. Even less relevant is that you had just had a birthday.) Another example:

"My name is Karen and I was working as a legal secretary for partner in a St. Petersburg law firm." (While the need for overtime tells us about your financial situation and your exhaustion at working extra hours, the actual position you held does not advance your plot.)

I hope you don't think I am not interested in knowing these things about you! It's just that the story is about your relationship with your daughter, and these specifics do not advance the story.

"I divorced him for the second time within the last year" (Did you actually divorce him the first time? Later, it appeared you just separated.)

"She arrived home about twenty minutes later" (At this point the story moves quickly. I felt myself getting drawn into the drama.)

"I’m amazed at how a dark, dreadful time actually precipitated growth and harmony in our relationship." (This summarizes your theme nicely. I do like the premise, and you have stated it beautifully. I did think that the end was a bit abrupt.)

Thank you for sharing your story. I look forward to more of your work. *Smile*
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77
Review of Angel  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Oh, gosh. It is such a shame that you are divorcing the woman you wrote this for! It's beautiful.
<Sorry for the partial review: my computer behaves strangely at times>.

I intended to list specific comments and suggestions, which are below. Feel free to use or discard them as you see fit. They are based on my personal opinions.

"The softest touch
The brightest light" (I loved the imagery here.)

"What a sight" (This felt cliche, and a bit forced, like you were looking for something to rhyme with "light". Is there a better way to say this?)

"Crystal clear innocence in those eyes" (I loved this line.)

"Dissapointment heartache with every sigh" (First, "Disappointment" has only one "s". Second, do you mean "Disappointed heartache"? Or, "Disapointment and heartache"? Or something else?)

"I lay down my being, for you I'll die" (And now you are divorcing. :( )

Thank you for sharing your work and allowing me to review it. Welcome to wdc! *Smile*
78
78
Review of Treat or Trick?  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Oooh... scary. I actually think my pulse picked up a little. *Smile*

I like the way the story unfolds. First we find out about what happened at Halloween. I wasn't sure if this was a dream or memory, which I like, because it adds a touch of mystery. Then the second and third memories give us the sense that the first, was in fact, reality. There is some literary irony in that I wondered why she would have drank Kyle's offering, knowing that is was blood that makes her pass out. She should have figured it out!! Why did she drink!!

Only one suggestion:
"The dream came, as it had every night for the past four days." (Every night? Do you mean day? While I know you're trying not to give the ending away, I wonder if there is a way to word?)

Thanks for the read. Nice. The sun just went down here. *Wink*
79
79
Review of His hands  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
These are very intense words. I was more than moved to sympathy - I was horrified. And then to see this line:
"forgiving of his hands"
Wow. Such amazing strength of character.

Comments and suggestions are below. Please feel free to use or ignore them as you see fit. *Smile*

"held my heart at such a tender age" (Good job setting the stage. It's easy to envision what comes next, when the background is made clear. The young tend to be more rash and trusting.)

"sometime ago" (I suggest: "some time ago")

"those hands were that of fear" (the word "that" felt awkward to me; maybe just "they were hands of fear"?)

"welding the knife in one" (do you mean "wielding"?)

"raise my hand and testify about" (heavy... I like how you have compared your hand to his)

"Now for eternity, these will be the hands that haunt and torment me for life." (are both phrases, "for eternity" and "for life" necessary?)

"I will be immensely branded" (I wasn't sure about "immensely"... whether this adds meaning or emphasis to the sentence that is not already there?)

"SURVIVOR by HIS HANDS!!" (Maybe "of" instead of "by"? This is a powerful ending.)

Thank you for sharing your work, and allowing me to review it. I look forward to more of your writing. *Smile*
80
80
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was a cute story. Your closing paragraph, and particularly your closing sentence, made me smile. I enjoyed it. I will admit that early on in the piece, when Lex was walking in the park and decided that she was going to try harder, I struggled with that decision. If they had been together for five years, and these arguments had been frequent, it seemed odd to me that she would suddenly have a change of heart without some sort of outside influence. That was just a little unease I experienced during that scene, but it faded during the kitchen scene because it was so sweet and fun to read.

Another suggestion is that your voice sometimes felt a bit formal for the style of the piece. The story was modern, generally lighthearted, and so although I liked your elaborate phrasing, I felt it out of place and heavy here. Examples:
"letting her feet hang as if to rest them from carrying the weight of her very heavy ideas"
"hoping to relieve the heat of her stressful words."
"no-longer threatening challenger"

You might consider proofreading for punctuation and editorial errors. I noticed a lowercase "i," and some missing commas, misplaced apostrophes. Examples:
"it has been a while since we’ve had fun” Lex admitted" (should be a comma after "fun")
"ignorance had unwillingly taken its’ toll" ("its'" should be "its")

This sentence just felt awkward. I think it may have been the phrase "obviously being":
"her voice obviously being directed through the door."

In this sentence, your use of the word "would" reads like future tense, but I believe you intended this to imply past tense:
"she missed the fun she and Steph would have"

I hope you find my comments helpful. You are the author and get to decide how it's written, so feel free to use or discard my comments as you see fit. You will not hurt my feelings if you disagree or choose to ignore them. Thank you for sharing your story and allowing me to review your work. *Smile*
81
81
Review of My God, am I?!?  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was a cute story that made me laugh. First, I loved the use of second person, turning me, the reader, into the computer. I definitely empathized with the need for interaction. Second, I loved the concept. Right about here:
"The one doing this is staring right at your face, your “screen,” very intensely. He looks as if he is looking for something there."
...you had me freaked out, because, naturally, I'm staring at a computer screen while I read the piece! The thought that the something might be staring back out at me had me more than a little uneasy.

No technical suggestions. The only suggestion I have is here:
“I'm sorry, somebody made a mistake. I’m going to need that back, thank you.”
I would have liked to have known more about what happened to cause the computer to become sentient, and who this "God" was who needed "it" back (whatever it was). I felt like the story left me hanging.

The 1's and 0's was the perfect ending.

Thanks for the read! I look forward to more of your work. *Smile*
82
82
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, and welcome to wdc! I have not been here long myself, but I love it! Let me know if I can help you find your way around. *Smile*

I just read your piece entitled, "Fairy Godmothers and M&M's". What a cute, lighthearted dramatization of the thoughts that flash through your head when your child puts you on the spot. You have told the story with no dialogue, so I'm not sure if the narrator actually *told* the child that she sprouts wings, or if she imagined how the conversation would go in her head before trying it. It doesn't really matter in this piece; your storytelling without dialogue works well. The piece is fast-paced, representative of the thoughts flying through your head before you open your mouth to respond to the child.

I do have suggestions listed below, which you are welcome to use or discard as you see fit. You won't hurt my feelings at all if you disagree. *Smile*

Grammar jumped out at me as a distraction to the story. I would suggest cleaning up run-on sentences and sentence fragments. To me, it felt like the narrator was rambling. Some examples:

"Looking for a new soapbox to stand upon." (fragment)

"Hey I’m still working on that the latter that is I passed over to older child many moons ago and some days want to go back." (run-on sentence.)

I wanted to mention that this sentence in particular confused me. Since it is early in the piece, I was not sure who was "narrating" yet. After reading this, I thought it was an older child. Since the voice sounds adult, this confused me. It was at least a paragraph later that I figured out the speaker was the parent.

Thank you for the fun read. I look forward to more of your work! *Smile*
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83
Review of Untouchable  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I just read your poem, "Untouchable." It exhibited feelings of aching and solitude. Those feelings were clear! So if that was the tone you were trying to achieve, good work!

I am curious about the first line, "She said"... and you have classified this as "romance/love"... is this something a lover said? And then in "your" (the narrator's) response in the second verse, I wasn't sure I understood how the words spoken in the first stanza would create those feelings. Maybe you can add a verse or two painting a clearer picture of what has caused the loneliness?

I have two other suggestions, if you are interested. You are the author and ultimately gets to decide what goes or stays, so you may choose to use or discard my feedback as you see fit. You won't hurt my feelings at all. *Smile*

First, is that the rhyme feels a little forced. In particular, the phrase "Until soon," which could be poetic in itself when used properly, but not when followed with "I knew". The tenses are inconsistent. Also, "the standard null" and "of this world" felt choppy.

Second, is your repeated use of the word "reason". I personally tend to discourage word repetition as a general rule anyway, but in a piece this short, it really stands out. Can you find another way to say the same thing?

I hope this helps!! Good luck, and keep writing. I look forward to more of your work. *Smile*
84
84
Review of The Bat  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This was really cute! A true story?? I would be FREAKED OUT.

The dialogue was good. The only line I struggled with was this:
"Wait, what did you hit it with? A badminton racket?"

This felt forced, as if the dialogue-only format prevented description of "the kill" and here was where the reader is able to visualize it. Is this really what was said? If so, maybe I'm completely off-base.

Just my impressions! I enjoyed the read, though I wish I'd read it in daylight... *Wink*
85
85
Review of The Ultimate Job  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This was a fun read! Very clever and witty. I loved this line: "weren’t the brightest rays on the sun"

I wondered about this:
"high-dollar spacecrafts." (is the plural of spacecraft "spacecrafts"? or just "spacecraft" I honestly am not sure but it didn't sit quite right so you might double-check.

One other piece of feedback is that I would have liked to have seen more originality in the creation of your world, rather than "borrowed" concepts from sci fi movies (flux capacitors, Dantooine Pod Races, Dagoba System).

The overall concept of your piece (Galactic Academy Awards) was very clever and original. Thanks for sharing your work. I look forward to more! *Smile*
86
86
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello and welcome to wdc! I saw your poem entitled "breaking the rules of love..." and would like to review it, if you are interested.

I found the narrator of this piece bitter, angry and hurt. If these were the emotions you were trying to portray, you succeeded! Good job! *Smile* In particular, you had a strong start that set the mood right away:
"Falling in love is like flying
You're afraid because you think of dying"

You had some nice metaphor usage, such as "replaceable token" and selling your heart on e-bay.

You had a couple spelling errors (believe, e-bay). I think this may have been a spelling error, too, because I wasn't sure I understood it:
"then told him "here is your to cents in""

A couple suggestions, which you are free to use or discard as you see fit:
This verse:
"How I broken it I don't belive
I guess I will leave
you see
I ripped out my heart
and it was broken"

...felt repetitive to me, like using a word in its own definition. To me, it read like your heart is broken, so you are leaving, and then you go on to say the reason you're leaving is because your heart is broken. But you already said that. That was just how I interpreted your words, but maybe you meant something different each time.

Thanks for sharing your poem! The bitterness and betrayal was evident. I look forward to more of your work. *Smile*
87
87
Review of Fading Away  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem is sad. If this is based on personal experience, I'm sorry for your loss.

Some comments and suggestions about this piece, to be used or discarded as you, the author, see fit:

"It came fast" (I like how this set the tone of sudden loss and unexpected grief for the rest of the piece. Strong start!)

"Her" (I am on the fence about your repetitive segregation of this line. On the one hand, I liked how it emphasized your friend, for whom the piece was written. It was unique, which I also like. On the other hand, I found it broke up the piece and made it feel choppy.)

"With the angels
Black as night" (I found this odd imagery. First, "with the angels" makes me think happy, like heaven. But then "black as night" makes me think of sadness and grief. This might be representative of your mixed feelings. But the other image that crossed my mind was of hell: Lucifer as a "fallen angel". I'm not sure that was what you were going for.)

"It's to late for
Goodbyes
But... goodbye to
Her" (What a beautiful way to end this tribute to a lost loved one.)

Thank you for sharing your work and allowing me to review it. *Smile* Write on!
88
88
Review of Decisions Made  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow, this piece was really encouraging. I like works about survival and strength. Your "parallel world" approach is clever and creative. Specific comments and suggestions are below. You are the author, so feel free to use or dismiss my suggestions as you see fit. *Smile*

"try’s to smile" (tries)

"kicking the bloody toaster from his hand." (I found this confusing - did he try to attack her with the toaster? Or did she kill him with the toaster? If so, how did it end up in his hand?)

"She is strong and determined." (I love this language.)

"shinning so bright" (brightly)

"unaware the coffee is now" (that the coffee)

"She can see toast crumbs, soaked in blood, peppering his hair." (great description! if a little gory)

"The fear of confinement" (missing a period)

Thanks for the read! I look forward to more of your work.
89
89
Review of Steadfast Love  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nice work, with a cute twist at the end! I confess I read the first sentence and double-checked your rating, eyebrow raised. *Smile*

Of course I re-read the passage after the surprise ending, and found everything believable except "kisses her slowly, passionately". That one just didn't transfer to an infant for me personally, but that's just my opinion. Everything else worked. Sneaky and clever! I like. Good luck in the contest. *Smile*

By the way, I loved this line: "his heart explodes with love." I have experienced that feeling and your description was vivid and real.

Thanks for sharing. Can't wait for more from you!
90
90
Review of Madness  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Ooh... creepy! I was really freaked out during the landlord scene. The protagonist couldn't even escape to his own home. I found myself wondering at the end if this was some supernatural event occurring, or the effects of a brain tumor, which I found the more frightening prospect. Very good job with your descriptions! I could visualize each scene clearly. Some specific suggestions about your writing are below, if you're interested. Enjoy!

"mind started drifting, slowly, as I started to lose focus" (Be careful of word repetition. It's distracting to a reader. Here you said "started" twice.)

"forced myself to shake off these thoughts and headed to the kitchen to make myself a cup" (Another example of word repetition: "myself")

"Sitting idle always caused to the fear start taking hold of me" (I didn't understand this sentence - was it cut-and-paste error?)

"Besides, logic told me, it was better to stock up now, who knows for how long the stores would remain open." (This was a run-on sentence.)

"road seemed home to a variety of fantastic monsters that seemed to change" (Word repetition: "seemed")

"that there was no lollipop" (Creepy! Loved the use of italics to emphasize the narrator's surprise at the discovery.)

"trying to get free, but there was no point" (The phrase "there was no point" jumped out at me. I thought, well, the point is to try to get away! Though I understood what you were trying to say, it distracted me from the story.)

"the bike. As I turned the key and started her up" (When you rode TO the store, I thought this was a bicycle. Maybe you can clarify sooner?)

"signboard now read “Food Wyrld”." (Creepy factor: nice touch!)

"group of cats dragging something away…it looked like a dead dog…" (Ha! A little feline revenge? I liked this sentence.)

"discussing the weather forecast or something" ("or something" seemed unnecessary to me. You had already made the point after the word "forecast"... a good exercise is to go through your writing and see how many words you can cut without sacrificing content or description. Can you say what you're trying to say more concisely? As a reader, I find it easier to get through a piece if it's less wordy. I enjoy it more.)

Welcome to wdc and thanks for the read! I'm glad I read it in the morning...!! *Smile* I look forward to more of your work.
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91
Review of Rage  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
If this is your attempt at "getting started"... write on!! I can't wait for more. The piece was fast-paced and driving, consistent with the rage you are portraying. I felt it.

I have two suggestions if you're interested, though you are the author and get to decide whether you agree or not. *Smile*

First, I particularly enjoyed the descriptions of your physical symptoms, and could have used more of them. Though I liked your pattern of "disengage"/"cage"/"wage" because of the driving rhythm, I preferred lines like "I see only red" and "It hurts" to "I feel..." and "I long..." because I could visualize them. The second suggestion is that this line in particular: "But it is grand" felt forced, like you were looking for something to rhyme with "hand". I say that because the word "grand" feels out of place with respect to the general mood of the piece.

These are just my suggestions to consider or discard as you see fit!! Thanks for sharing your poem. I look forward to more of your work. *Smile*
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92
Review of Tree of Knowledge  
Rated: E | (4.0)
My first thought as I read this was, you must be talking about America. *Smile* I can say that - I'm from Ohio! Maybe others will equate this with their own homelands.

I felt bitterness and a touch of sadness in this piece. I grieved for humanity, then craved french fries, then felt guilty about it! Sorry...Seriously, your poem is very touching.

I enjoyed this line:
"Biting into the apple again and again."

But then I wondered whether this line was necessary:
"Reliving the original sin."

Because you just told me that in the "apple" line, which I found poetically pleasing. I visualized the metaphor, apple = sin. So when I got to the next line, I thought it might be a little redundant. Just "food" (fruit?) for thought! *Smile* You're the author and get to decide how it says what you're trying to say.

Thanks for sharing your poem, and allowing me the opportunity to review it! I look forward to more of your work.
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93
Review of The Monarchs  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was an engaging story! It was clever and unique. I have listed my comments and suggestions below. Suggestions are based on my personal opinions!

"“Yeah, yeah.” A young waitress grumbled as she brought the head of a roast pig to the kitchen counter. “Sheesh!" (I wondered if the server's language was too modern for the setting.)

"The Emperor, a tall medium-built man in his early thirties..." (Excellent job with descriptions of the Emperor, the Queen, and their entourages.)

"As the two Monarchs sat facing each other..." (This sentence felt really long. Can it be broken up?)

"“This is a very special type of dance.” The innkeeper explained from beside the Emperor this time. “It involves what is called the Language of the Fan. Does his Majesty know of it?”" (I wondered if this implied that the peasants are familiar with it, too? Or at least, that it exists? This made me wonder if anyone in the room might have recognized that an unspoken conversation was occurring.)

"He touched his fingers to the tip of his fan. I wish to speak to you.
But her reply was to cover her left ear with her fan. I wish be rid of you." (Witty!)

"Why was the Emperor pointing at the Queen? Was it a declaration of war?" (It was entertaining to read the peasants' interpretation of the gesture.)

"The Marriage Contract in his hand was binding." (Great twist!)

Thank you for sharing your story, and allowing me to review it. It was a fun read. :)

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
94
94
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow! What an engaging read! I was sucked in from beginning to end, and I'd be interested to see where this goes. Your writing is professional and your imagination vivid. Attie is a believeable character, and the world (worlds?) you have created is detailed and interesting. Specific comments and suggestions are below. Suggestions are based on my personal opinions and are to be used or discarded as you see fit. Enjoy:

"Patrons called him Giggles because he couldn’t crack a smile without breaking bones." (Nice irony.)

"a citizen could only buy two Alcoholic Units a night." (One example of how you have created this world in a believeable way.)

"Her father's insanity had long ago insured" (Word usage: I suggest "ensured")

"Several psychologists could probably tell her exactly what was wrong with her, but Athenais had always put a gun between their eyes before they could finish." (Great character development!)

"huge—to expensively-modded proportions." (Another good example of setting development.)

"Her voice was naturally loud from commanding a shipful of selectively deaf space pirates, and it cut through the silence like a knife." (Nice description, and a touch of sarcastic wit!)

"she wondered if this were another bust" ("was")

Thanks for sharing your story and allowing me to review it.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
95
95
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Nice work! Your writing is very funny. You do a good job of making the reader empathize with an unlikely protagonist.

Here are some comments and suggestions, which I have listed in the order they appear in the work for ease of reference. My suggestions are based on my personal opinions, and are to be used or discarded as you, the writer, see fit. :) Enjoy:

First paragraphs (Entertaining. You delve into this character immediately, giving us the impression that he is somewhat scatterbrained. This makes us relate to him in a personal way, allowing us to empathize with an unlikely protagonist.)

"The said clerk in question" (This may be redundant: "said" and "in question" say the same thing. Another note about this sentence: it is really long! Can it be broken up into bite-sized pieces?)

"The one in the middle also carried a revolver, but he and his short companion had vastly different opinions in the appropriate frequency of its use." (You have a sarcastic wit that is fun to read!)

"If you would, I would implore you to take a moment..." (I love how you engage the reader by speaking conversationally.)

"Memories flood my mind even now. Crashing, flying glass, an Angel descending from…but never mind that for now." (You have me hooked. What happened to make the narrator resort to a life of crime and killing?)

"You may be wondering how I know all the fine details of this encounter, considering that I'm in the back of the store. Let me assure you, the truth is merely embarrassing, so I'm putting those details off as long as necessary." (This just confused me, because I hadn't gotten to the "fine details" yet. After I read on, I understood. Maybe you might consider the order that this paragraph appears in the work? It is another great example of your wit!)

“Ranch? How can possibly like Ranch? (Is there a word missing here?)

"every man in the building felt a tingle go down their spine" (I suggest: "his spine")

"Jim especially felt quite warm inside, and he found it a pleasant distraction from the fact that he had no idea what the safe combination was." (How does the narrator know this?)

"The female speaker had the kind of voice that could lead the choir of any religious establishment you could possibly name (even the Church of Our Holy Mother of Ridiculous Expectations), and could have just as easily been used to get 1.99 for the first minute and 3.99 for each additional minute" (I laughed out loud!)

"A metal rack shuddered as I feebly attempted to grasp onto it. I’m not sure exactly what I was trying to accomplish, but I have a feeling I was trying to get the robbers to dial 911." (Right in here I started to get lost. Where did the injury come from? Also, I was temporarily confused by the change from 3rd person to 1st person.)

Okay, I figured it out...it happened here:
"If you would, I would implore you to take a moment and look at that robber of medium height within your mind’s eye. Just look at him, pressing a pistol hard into the forehead of a defenseless, pathetic sales clerk, with the full intention of firing.

Could I have possibly sunk that low?
Could I have possibly had such little regard for human life?
Could I have been such a despicable character, devoid of any redeeming characteristics? I have to look back and ask myself a very important question:
Is that really me?"
(Up until now, I thought that the narrator was the leader of the robbers, and I think this is where it happened. I found this confusing. Was that intentional?)

"if her could only figure out somewhere to run to" (Typo: "he")

"my own person Jezebel whispered," ("personal"?)

"I felt like a single drop of rain being enveloped by an ocean." (Nice description!)

"What can I say? Chicks love the jacket." (Great closing line.)

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of Immersed  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Okay, I admit it: I was surprised. I liked the unexpected plot twist.

Here are some comments and suggestions, which you are free to use or discard as you see fit:

"Wiping the sleep from his old, blue eyes" (I like this description. The use of the word "old" to describe Tom's eyes is very telling. I could see wrinkles around them, bushy eyebrows, and the blue would be a light, faded blue. Your word choice here is very good.)

"as they walked whispering to the counter" (I might consider commas: "walked, whispering, to...)

"The girl squeaked." (We already know her name is Julie, and so does Tom, so it might help to use her name. The reader might feel more connected to her.)

Everything is going to work out.” The man said still whispering. (Punctuation suggestion: out," the man said, still whispering.)

"The loner stood up and cried, “He still is your husband!" This was the first time the couple had noticed anyone else around them." (Like I said, nice twist. The only suggestion is that it might have been a little more believeable if Carl was described as hidden from view somehow. Maybe he is hunched over, or in a booth with high walls, or around a corner. I did like the surprise ending, but had a hard time believing that Julie wouldn't notice her husband in a restaurant with no other people in it.)

Great job with the storytelling! This was a fun read. Thank you for sharing and allowing me to review your work. :)

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
97
97
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a fun little story. I like the surprise twist at the end! When I got to the end, I did wonder how the narrator (who started the story reminiscing on how she'd gotten her inspiration for her book) used this scene in her writing. Is there more to come?

Here are some specific comments and suggestions, which you are free to use or discard as you see fit. These are my personal reactions and opinions.

Opening paragraphs (You have done a good job of putting into words that feeling of emptiness after completing a work or project! I think most of us here can empathize with that feeling.)

"We hadn’t seen each other in about 3 years and seeing her was just like we had never left. Except now she’s got 4 kids and a husband." (Suggestion: spell out numbers.)

"We reminisced at dinner" (Did you discuss the story that follows? Was Jira there when the narrator experienced this event with the wacky professor? Had she heard the story before? I felt like the narrator digressed from her dinner conversation and left it behind.)

"Dr. Middlesect was your typical white-haired crazy looking science professor." (I loved this character! He was very eccentric. I did notice that you never called him by name again. It might be good to pepper in his name in place of pronouns on occasion, to help the reader connect with him more.)

"I never actually went into his office," (This I think may have been an error based on later inspiration. At the end of the story, the narrator does, in fact, visit his office.)

"I think it was a combination of Formaldehyde, something smelling like moth balls, and mint. Those are not smells that I enjoy on their own, let alone together and in an enclosed space." (I like your description here. I can imagine it.)

"One noise I heard was being created by what I guessed to be a squawking bird. A thud noise I heard I surmised to be a treadmill. There was also a rumble I could feel in the floor that I thought could be a bull frog croak being played over a microphone. Then a squeal that was high pitched and varied between about three tones." (Again, nice job with the descriptions.)

"There in front of me were my crazy science professor playing drums, a well known physics professor playing electric bass guitar, the head of the math department playing lead guitar, and a published English professor singing." (Cute twist!)

In general, your grammar and spelling are very good. You might try to be a little more concise. Sometimes a reader can get lost in a sentence that is too long, so watch for unnecessary words. You don't want to lose content (particularly descriptive details), but there may be things you can cut without sacrificing the content.

Great job on the storytelling. I can't wait for more! :)

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of The Evergreen  
Rated: E | (5.0)
First of all, I have to compliment your use of formatting to set the scene. Very clever.

I like this line: "spinning terra firma". It seems like an oxymoron, but it's actually accurate. It's a perspective that we forget in our daily lives. It made me stop and think.

I liked this line: "sting the air." I had a flashback to the last time I was stuck out in some kind of precipitation or other and it stung my skin.

Clever wordplay here: "sparks her fall."

I have no suggestions.

Thank you for the read, and for allowing me to review your work. :)



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
99
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Review of My Grandmother  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was such a beautiful and sad tribute to your grandmother. I really enjoyed it, and thank you for sharing these personal memories.

I have compiled comments and suggestions below. The suggestions are my personal opinions only, for you to use or discard as you see fit. :)

"leaving her with 4 children, pssibly very little money" (Suggestion: consider spelling out "four". Also note the typo "pssibly".)

"I always felt there was son mething weighing" (typo: "something")

"She made baking a personal perfromance." (I loved the way you expressed this! An image of her waltzing around the kitchen with energy and enthusiasm popped into my head. Also note the typo in "performance.")

"Now that she is gone and all I have are memories and recipes." (What a beautiful sentiment.)

Thank you for allowing me to review your work!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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100
Review of The Best Gift  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
<glancing around to see if anyone noticed that little tear in her eye>
Wonderful job evoking sympathy in the reader! I was aching for Angela.
The only suggestion I have is regarding this segment:
“Mr. Palmer,” another deep sigh moved the massive shoulders. “There are some things I’m not very good at and talking is one of them.”

The doctor picked up the phone. “Rosemary? Reschedule my appointments for the next hour.” There was a pause. “I know, I know.” He put down the phone with the look of a small boy who just couldn’t seem to do anything right today.
I thought this seemed like an abrupt change. I didn't get the sense right away that the doctor was going to help them when he said he wasn't good at talking. I thought it was an apologetic way to restate that he had done all he could. So I was momentarily confused when the next sentence came along.

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work! :)

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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