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26
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
i love this! I'm posting it in the Mystery Newsletter this wed.

Suggestions:
I love your use of dialogue, but i'd consider breaking it up a smidge with tidbits of information. Not on every dialogue tag, but a few here and there.

Also, a few of your tags had errors.
{e:bullet “Scrappy.” He repeated...shoud be “Scrappy[comma]” [no caps]he repeated...

You can tighten up the first two graphs...there are missing commas and the like. read these to graphs out loud and i'm sure you'll catch them.

Overall, this was an entertaining read. one i'd recommend to anyone who enjoys children's stories.

solid job,
Robin

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27
27
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
this is beautiful! your style encompasses the soul of the reader lifting him[or her] up with this poem.

i love the line about how the two get busy signals because they are calling each other!

great poem, i'd recommend to anyone!

keep writing and posting,
robin
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28
28
Review of My Plea  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello there.

I'm reviewing your item as part of the "Simply Positive Review Forum " 

What a dramatic poem. I was hooked from line one and stayed with your words till the end, never just skimming over them. Your pace and tension in this poem is remarkable. you capture the reader's attention and hold it throughout.

The only suggestion i have would be with meter, but the poem itself is so captivating that the reader barely notices the meter.

thank you for writing and sharing such a personal poem.

Robin
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Review of Tree Fairies  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love how eeryone got together in the end to help out the family.

i did catch one typo:
help clean up this small families home so they could... should be family's

When ever you write something, read it out loud. it helps to catch things like that, and you get a better sense of what the reader is feeling.

nice job!

hugs, robin
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30
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Review of My 59th Birthday  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
oh how cute! i love the fire hose part. that is great.

my only suggestion is to watch the overuse of the word "that"

A lot of times you can strike it out and the sentence is fine without it.

I felt that I should go see but was warned by the fireman to stay still

what a cute read!

hugs,
Robin
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31
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello there.

I'm reviewing your item as part of the "Simply Positive Review Forum " 

You did a solid job incorporating the song into this story. Reading the internal struggle this man faced after losing his love has universal appeal as we've all lost someone we loved because we put our own interests above the interest of the relationship.

i like how you ended it..the acceptance to move on, not the "happy storybook ending" it makes the story feel more real.

solid writing,
Robin

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32
Review of Quotation contest  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey there!

I'm reviewing this as a judge in the "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" 

I enjoyed reading your story how Dommy drummed up the courage to follow his dream while abandoning the dreams of his parents. I really enjoyed your character descriptions. I can clearly see the father, the mother and the son.

I do have a few suggestions you might want to consider; but remember, please do not make any edits until AFTER the winners are announced so you won't get disqualified.

A few of your graphs are confusing.

My father screamed, and screamed loudly he did with his meaty and toiled hands banged with great force for his big age onto the dinner table where my parents and I sat filled with food that trembled at his blows of rage.

As a reader, i'm unsure of what exactly you mean. I believe your message for the reader is this:
*Bullet* the father screamed loudly, for a long period of time.
*Bullet* he pounded his fist on the table.

Here is one example of how you could revise:
The three of us, my parents and I sat around the dinning room table. My father screamed, and screamed loudly. His large meaty hand, toiled from a lifelong career in….banged, with force against our dining room table. Plates filled with Mum’s home cooked food trembled with each of his angry blows of rage.

Also, punctuation, namely dialogue tags:

Lots of writers have punctuation issues when it comes to dialogue tags. Here are a few quick rules:
*Bullet*When the tag comes first, you must follow it with a comma. Ex. Judy looks at Laney and says, “Okay. Let’s take my car.”
*Bullet*When the tag follows the quotation, two things happen:
         *Check3*The tag begins without capitalization. Ex. “No,” she says, fingers still typing at the keyboard.
         *Check3*The quotation ends with a comma. In other words, the comma replaces the period at the end of the quote. “No,” she says, fingers still typing at the keyboard.

*Bullet*If the tag breaks up the quotation, then the quotation will carry on without capitalization. Ex. “Are you,” she pauses to glance down at his mismatched socks, “okay?”

Remember; please do not make any edits until AFTER the winners are announced so you won't get disqualified.

OVERALL, I thought you did an excellent job creating a believable story with characters the reader can identify with.

Good luck with the contest!

Robin

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33
Review of Stay Inside  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I enjoyed reading your story of Benny and his two best friends, and Benny's internal struggle with his assessment of the changing world around him. Your style is simple and fits this story well as the main characters are still in elementary school.

As a reader, I’d like to share some of my thoughts…first on sentence structure, format, and flow of your work: I think you can tighten up a few of your sentences by eliminating the overuse of the word “that”.

Your sentence:Benny supposed that was the price you paid for something that you wanted.

My suggestion:Benny supposed that this was the price you paid for something that you reallywanted.

Your sentence: That was the reason everyone always wanted Mike to be on their team when they played football, one of the few American sports still played in the world. Mike could catch anything, anytime.

My suggestion:No wonder everyone always wanted Mike to be on their team when they played football, one of the few American sports still played in the world. Mike could catch anything, anytime.

Also, I think you meant to type the word “allowed” in this sentence, Run as fast as you can, don't stop for anyone, and never, no excuses aloud, look back. …not “aloud”.

I love the following sentences:
The big doors opened at the end of the hall as the massive sea of kids spewed forth through the darkness. It tells over shows. I can see it clearly. It’s tightly written.

Two men armed with guns stood by the side of each door, staring blankly ahead as the children ran by. What an attention getter. It raises many questions in the reader’s mind. I’d almost consider starting your story with this…and then back pedal into some of the activities Benny shares with his friends.

"Slow down you crap monkey!" Jasper loved putting the word crap in front of anything. This sentence reveals something about Jasper’s character…plus, it is part of your writing style :-

Ever since he had found himself outside at the wrong time, Benny had learned to run. This sentence really builds suspense!


As for your story’s flow, I think it can be told more effectively and with more bite if you cut out some of the pre-recess graphs. As a reader, I felt like I had to really work to get to the juice of this story --which was VERY good, btw. *Smile*

Remember, these are just my suggestions…this is YOUR story and you must do what feels right for you.

Thanks for posting this,

Robin




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34
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey there!

I'm reviewing this as a judge in the "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" 

You've done a wonderful job incorporating the contest's quote into your story. I enjoyed reading about Emma, and her job - some of your "character" descriptions were on target. I also loved your title.

Your style is soft and warm. My three favorite graphs are the following:

Emma sat in one of the church pew seats and pretended to read over her court report. She marveled at the contrast between the formality of the walnut and marble adorned courtroom and the emaciated, leather skinned, drug addicted mother dressed in street-walking clothes

“Did you see the lady with the white tank top and tight jeans up here? I swear I saw her earlier but I can’t find her and the judge is ready.”

“She’s down there smoking. Asked me to listen for her name. I’ll get her.” Emma opened the fire escape door and was assaulted by a gush of thick, humid air. Leaning over the rail of the stair landing, she caught her ex-client’s gaze and motioned for her to come up. After an expletive, likely from having to waste a half-smoked cigarette, she made her way up the stairs.

I love those passages for the following reasons:

*Bullet* They show over tell.
*Bullet* The dialogue is effective.
*Bullet* The sentence structure is tight but comes across as smooth.

I think your entire piece would benefit if you wrote it as you did those. Tight up a few more of your paragraphs.

Your sentence{/b: He had black jeans
My suggestion: Black jeans covered his short legs.

Remember Please to not make any edits until AFTER the winners are announced so you don't get disqualified.

check out "Invalid Entry"  for advice on editing your own work. For me, it's been the most successful post i've read on writing.com.

Overall, you did a solid job here! Good luck in the contest.

Robin

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Review of TRUST IS A MUST  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello there.

I'm reviewing your item as part of the "Simply Positive Review Forum " 


The core of this message holds universal truth and appeal. Most everyone can relate because most of us have felt mistrust at one time or another during the course of our lives.

The main suggestion I have is to tighten up your sentences. Here, let me show you what I Mean.

Instead of saying,
I search my inner self, trying to find out what makes me tick.
Because, now that my memories of the past have returned, I realize
my ways of coping have been somewhat sick.

You might try something like this

I search my inner self,
to find out what makes me tick.
memories of the past have returned,
my ways of coping have been somewhat sick.

Or,
But, now that I know that I am a survivor,

You might want to try:
But, I know I’m a survivor.

Tightening up your poem will provide a smoother ride for the reader. However, this is your poem. You must do what feels right to you!

Thanks for such a true message. You are right, one must trust and love herself before she can trust and love others.

hugs,

Robin


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36
36
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello there.

I'm reviewing your item as part of the "Simply Positive Review Forum " 


What a terrific way to send the show, don't tell message...i had a huge smile on my face when i read the last line for it holds the prefect balance of dialogue and imagery and ends this piece on a beautiful note.

i do have a suggestion or two...

The first is with punctuation(attribution). in your last sentence, the attribution is in the middle of Dick's dialolgue so the "H" in he shouted should not be capitalized.

The second is with flow. A few of your sentences start out the same way and since this is a short piece, it would benefit from change them up a bit. The first three sentences start out with the word As You may want to consider revising them so the reader will enjoy the ride of reading your story all the more.

nice solid writing.

Robin


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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello there.

I'm reviewing your item as part of the "Simply Positive Review Forum " 


What a wonderful heart-wrenching little story. how Carrie went with the flow was an excellent way to end the story, especially after the readers discovered she has, in frustration been harsh in the telling of her father's death.

very sweet read that hurts the heart, yet makes you smile.

robin
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello there.

I'm reviewing your item as part of the "Simply Positive Review Forum " 


I love the idea of the ocean and everything else is a fish. nice analogy which everyone can relate to. also, what an endearing way to start out your article.

my only suggestion would be to watch the overuse of the word 'that'.

Your Sentence:And her grandfather told her that that was where God lived, inside of her.

My suggestion:Her grandfather replied, "That is where God lives. Inside you!" then you won't have the word that two times in a row.


otherwise, its well structured, solid message and easily understood by your target audience --which is EVERYONE

solid job

robin
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39
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there!

I'm reviewing this item as a judge in the "ON WINTER BREAK"  contest. Thanks for entering.

Congrats on your first place entry!

What a sweet endearing poem, giving me that warm feeling. It also reminded me of a pencil drawing that hung in the office of my children's pediatrician...a boy trying to stuff a huge frog in his front pocket. great job.

what color ribbon would you like?

Robin

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40
40
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm reviewing your acrostic poem as part of the
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#1387218 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen
'May Day Celebration.

I loved your Ocean Life poem. You did a fantastic job adhering to the acrostic style.

I do have a suggestion:

*Bullet* Unless it's a matter of your style, you might want to consider connecting the words with the first letter in each of the lines. Especially, since you've said it was an acrostic.

I can't believe you used the word cerulean! I think that's awesome. It was my daughter's favorite word for about six months during her sixth grade year. She sang it every time she saw an object that color.

wonderful job.
Robin


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Happy Holidays from the Angel Army
41
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Review of Safe  
Rated: E | (5.0)
It's hard to believe you've achieved pace, description, plot, etc in such a tight little piece! Your image detail is spot on. I could see the boy play with the ball, and the father, standing in terror as he watched his son.

what a treat to read.

i can see why this was the daily flash fiction winner.

Great work,
Robin

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42
42
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey there!

I'm reviewing this item as part of the "Invalid Item" 

I love the presentation of this poll. all the color and how you linking Kayasama's "Project Write World"  in with your user poll.

Wow, i didn't even know there was a genre called 'regional'. i think if you add 'research' or 'activity' to your genre selections, it might help to generate more exposure.

thanks
Robin
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Allyson,

Welcome to writing.com. I hope you find this site as a place where you can grow as a writer. (i'm still growing and i've been here for five years!)

I really enjoyed reading your prose, "the horizon of their youth" . What an amazing piece a mother feels as she watches her children grow up.
First, let me say this is a great piece and stands well on its own. I do have a suggestion, however, that you may want to consider:

In L1 you call the thread fragile, but then, the mother wonders how strong the thread is. why not consider revising L1 and L3 just a little.
Your lines:
A fragile thread bridges the vast canyon between innocence and worldliness...
The mother watches her girls at play and wonders...
How strong is that strand?
Is it made of titanium?
Or is it fragile, like a single fiber of silk?

My suggestion:
A single strand of thread bridges....
The mother watches her girls....
How strong is that twine? cord, yarn...(your choice here).

I love how the title comes full circle when you read the second to last line.

beautiful read!

Robin

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Review of Release  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for"Writing.Com Contest Judges Forum" . Thanks for entering!

A very solid read. Your realistic dialogue helps engage the reader as well as produce endearing characters. Your style is smooth and pleasant to read. I loved the double meaning of your title and how you incorporated real life events i.e. the Olympics into your story, giving the reader a real life feel. And for me, the last sentence makes this story!

The only suggestion I'd make -and please do not edit your item until after the winners are announce so you won't be disqualified is this:

Watch the overuse of the word ‘that'.

Many times "that" is deadwood and your sentence is more buoyant without it.

Your sentence: That was the part that hurt me the most.
My suggestion: Her words stung. Missing Jess's first day of school hurt the most.

Great story, I'd recommend this read to anyone.

Robin


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45
45
Rated: E | (3.5)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for"Writing.Com Contest Judges Forum" . Thanks for entering!

I enjoyed reading your story. I thought you did a nice job in creating a little suspense about the mother. as a reader, i kept asking myself, "Why does the author keep mentioning her?" I wondered if something significant might happen to her.

I do have two suggestions here:
1. add dialogue. instead of just telling us who said what, make them say it. for instance, in your first paragraph you could use something like this "Since the twins are older, we're going on a family vacation...outdoors...in a cabin in the woods," said Dad.

2. Watch your overuse of the word 'that'. often times, you can strike the word out altogether, or you can rearrange your sentence to avoid the word.
your sentence: Earl started screaming that it wasn't fair that Sam could swat him, and that he had to give his fishing pole to me to tie on a lure for him and get it ready for fishing.
my suggestion: Earl started screaming, "It's not fair." His voice pitching in a high shrill, "Why does Sam get to swat me? And why do I have to give my pole to..."

These are just suggestions, (remember not to edit until after the winners are announced). i liked reading the snake part of this story and i also thought the line where you described the mother moving slowly in the kitchen was great.

Keep writing and posting.
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Review of Keeping it  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey there! and welcome to writing.com.

What a lovely poem you've written. I love the rhythm of your words. I read this twice, just to experience the 'ride'' it took me on.

I do have two suggestions you might want to consider. One, break this up into stanzas as it gives it more of a poetic feel and it's more pleasant to read...also, i've mad a suggestion in the last stanza.


The wind shoots by, it's all alive,
and everywhere around,
The trees, the skies, have realized.
They echo and resound,

This note, this gift, this silent thought,
of something greater still,
A power so magnificent,
the winds obey His will.

And someone still is listening,
still climbing up this hill,
And keeping it.

The clouds are coming, swiftly flying
on wings of angels, wings of gold,
The thunder’s drumming;
rain is singing, music to behold.

The song that’s playing, joy it’s bringing,
the trees all dance and bend and fold,
Their rhythmic swaying still displaying,
things unknown, untold.

And so, someone is climbing
and is singing with this song of God,
And keeping it.

On clear warm days, on starlit nights,
when life is all so calm, so bright,
Through ice and fire, through rain and snow,
through storms a man should never know,

A single man is climbing, will climb that hill,
will still be list’ning as it trills,
will still be hearing, there, God’s Will,
And keeping it.

These are just suggestions, your work is super as is.

thanks for postin,
Robin

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47
47
Review of Give It To Him  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I can’t imagine experiencing something so painful. You have courage to write and post about it. I thought your title was very creative.

I do have a few suggestions here.

*Bullet* check over for grammar. In L1 you have the word ‘is’ spelled ‘iis’’. I’m sure this is just a typo. Also, in L12, the letter ‘I’ should be capitalized.

*Bullet* layout --you might want to consider putting a blank line after every few lines to create stanzas. doing so will help increase the readability.

*Bullet* voice...it was a little confusing to me, as the reader, when you were referring to the baby as 'he' and then as 'you'. however, this being poetry, you as the author may want this presentation.

keep writing and posting. you are right. poetry, and other forms of writing does help us get through those tough times!
hugs,
robin


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Rated: E | (4.5)
What a wonderful poem you have written here. Your brief description hooked me and i was not disappointed. I found it interesting and I especially loved reading about Jake.

I'm a visually impaired person. I cannot see to drive a care, but i can play tennis. My sense of hearing is sharper, i can recognize people by their voices.
My only suggestion:
In L19 I know each bird by their its warbling.
or,
I know each all birds by their warbling.

wonderful write! thanks for sharing this with us. I'd recommend this poem to anyone.

Robin
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Review of Blank cNotes  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like the idea of blank cNOtes. I don't think i've ever seen any. I've seen signatures where you can add your own messages, but not cNOtes.

I like all of your images. Thanks for posting and providing these for us here on writing.com.

Robin

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Review of Family  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem has a sweet endearing ring to it. the reader is treated to a soft gentle ride during this short post. You did a fantastic job adhering to the format of acrostic poetry with your words. I think L3 is my favorite. at least, as a mother, i try to do my best..

thanks for posting this one,
Robin
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