Excellent imagery coupled with poetic expressions make for a very interesting piece. I do have a suggestion: As is, this reads more like prose. By separating your lines into stanzas, your message will come across more bold.
Example;
Wide-eyed moth travels so close
to the amber burnt street lamp.
Across the field at the end of my eyeglass prescription.
On top these fall wind blown leaves
this field of bottle caps and broken bottles is my place of childhood.
Canopy tree tops lay shade
around my head like midnight clouds.
Frozen breath stays within the range
of my battle scarred babyface.
This is where I stayed
when the screams from the house
seemed to be directed at me.
But, were never about me.
"They'd never find me here" was a constant thought.
But forced back to home
with a finger twisted ear lobe.
And wind battered cheeks.
This is only a suggestion.
For me, your words invoke strong feelings of nostalgia.
I really like your style here. The metaphoric meaning gives your words universal appeal
I do have a suggestion or two:
Your Line and I find I must look in the mirror once more My suggestion: I find I must look in the mirror once more Cross out the word ‘and’ doing so tighten up your sentence without compromising meaning and, it helps with the poem’s flow.
Your Line I reach out my hand for the touch of her face, My suggestion: My fingers reach out for the touch of her face. you trace with your finger…this is a more accurate description.
Then,
In L10, is the word ‘bit’ supposed to be ‘but? In L15 I think you mean ‘they’re’ instead of ‘there’
I really enjoyed your poem. I can identify with its words.
What an interesting story. Unique plot. Nice pace. I love the title.
I do have a suggestion you may want to consider; tighten up your sentences. Doing so would provide a smoother more concise reads. Here is an example of what I mean.
Your sentence: It would be 2 and a half hours before lunch My suggestion: Two and a half hours until lunch.
Your sentence: When he looked back, the time was 9:35 once again My suggestion: Glancing back, the time now read 9:35 – Once again.
Watch for repetitive patterns and words – you use the word ‘look’ frequently.
Try reading your story out loud. As elementary as this sounds, you’d be surprised at the results it produces.
I enjoyed visiting your port. Keep writing and posting,
Robin
A solid piece of work here. A firm plot with believable characters. I like how there is an audience and a separate story. Great job here.
I have three main suggestions you may want to consider.
tighten up your sentences
Your Sentence: The man was on horseback waving his sword and shouting obscenities at the people he chased My Suggestion: A man, on horseback waving his sword, shouted obscenities while chasing down victims. This sentence is more concise, not so weighted down.
Watch for repetitive words once, that, and your be verbs. Try and find other ways to say what you mean.
Watch for repetitive sentence structures. Your paragraph: A moment later more invaders appeared, and soon they were all around him. Hercules was a blur of motion and to all sides of him men flew. Some went into the sides of nearby buildings, others into other invaders, and some just landed on the ground. Where ever they fell though, none tried to attack Hercules again. Those who were able to stand, fled.
My Suggestion: A moment later, more invaders appeared. Soon, Hercules found himself surrounded by enemies. Fighting them off like pesky insects, he brushed them aside. Still, they continued to attack. Hercules flung their bodies with ease. Tossing them into buildings, into each other, and onto the ground.
If you read this story out loud, it’s much easier to catch these tendencies. Your story is solid without these changes; however, making them moves you further along in your writing, and making this story really shine.
I’m sending a link to one of the most useful editing articles I’ve found on this site:
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #709211 by Not Available.
Thanks for posting and sharing, I really enjoyed this,
Robin
I always like to know what's behind 'the scenes' of a review.
Great explanation. I do have a suggestion:
Tighten up your sentences. ie, watch the overuse of the word 'that'. In a sentence or two you have use it twice. Your Sencence: That and the fact that the numbers mean different things to different people.
My suggestion: Also, numbers mean different things to different people. this revision totally eliminates the word altogether.
The undercurrents poking out of the solid packed imagery, this poem tells a story. Softly swaying inside my heart, gliding into the borders of my soul.
Thank you for such s sweet read. hope you fared well in the contest.
My only suggestion would be to give this item a different title. Using teh word impression, or reflection..something along those lines.
Excellent story. Nice imagery, and great use of dialogue. Your words held my interest throughout.
I do have a suggestion or two you may want to consider.
Shave your sentences a bit as you use words such as it, that, was, etc Doing so would really tighten up your item, effectively moving it up the rating ladder.
Examples:
Your Sentence: The scout meeting before the trip, which I believe was on Wednesday, myself and a few other friends of mine were all huddled in some corner before the meeting had begun. My suggestion: My friends and I held a pre-meeting to the scout meeting, which I believe was on a Wednesday. The three of us huddled in a back corner, whispering. This sentence is more specific, and I believe, still accurately describes what you wan to say.
Your Sentence: “You wouldn’t be able to bring it with you, would you?” I nodded. My suggestion: Just put a space between the end of this senctence and the words ‘I nodded. As is, I had to read it twice, thinking you were the one who asked the questions
“You wouldn’t be able to bring it with you, would you?”
I nodded.
Your Sentence: with something in German scrolled above it. My suggestion: with German words scrolled above her head. More specific tighter.
Your Sentence: I had no idea what it meant, but I imagined it was something of equal perversion to what was inside. My suggestion: I had no idea of their meaning, but I’d be willing to bet my last (insert something dear to an 11 yr old here) it was of equal perversion….
Tightening up your sentences with more specific words would really make this story shine!
I enjoyed reading your embarrassing tale and would recommend it to anyone.
Your words sadden me. Especially the last line and the use of 'happily ever after' a concept held dear for a much longer time than Santa Claus or the tooth fairy. It's nonexistent realization often hurts and produces - in for a moment immobility.
I was very impressed and awed by the words of your poem. You tackle huge complexities and yet, as a reader, I gently swam through your words. I think it has universal appeal, as many readers will identify with its content.
I do have two suggestions you may want to consider:
Since you use the word ‘that’ in two lines and it works real well. I’d consider changing the word ‘that’ in L Your line: Can we rekindle that long dead flame? My Suggestion: Can we rekindle our long dead flame?
Your line:I pray I never come back here My suggestion: I pray I never come back through here
Your title, genre selections, brief descriptions are on the mark – a big thing with me.
What a fun In & Out! I loved reading what other members recommended. Your brief description is so enticing I just had to click in here and post.
My only suggestion: Add more genre selections as this will help to gain more exposure for your I&O. i.e. 'entertainment' and 'community' are great ones here.
Shame on you for creating such a ruse! I disagree with you. Readers do know what they are talking about. If you feel they don’t, then why do you continue to participate in this site?
A part of me wants to justify my rating techniques, feeling your last sentence as a challenge. But then, I don’t feel as though my explanations would make a difference to you.
Ultimately, I feel you are missing a wonderful aspect of learning from your reviewers. Maybe you did b/s your way through a poem. But you know what? In doing so, you created a piece which speaks to others. Isn’t conveying a message, feeling, or image one of the core reasons why most of us write? Even if we do this for the sole benefit of ourselves?
As to this posted item. Overall, it tells a story, I can see images and detail. Parts are not missing.
You might want to consider the following: Choose an Item Type as this will help to gain exposure for your piece every time you edit. (It will refresh to the top of the page – just under the sponsored items.) Tighten up your sentences. Watch the overuse of the word ‘that’ In one of your paragraphs, you use it four times. Mostly, you can simply strike out the word and the sentence reads fine without it. Example: Your Sentence: I realized that I must know for sure. My Suggestion: I realized that I must know for sure.
I do like how you have woven your satire in here.
Here is the part where I’d conclude with saying ‘nice job’ however, from your comments made in this article; I will refrain from doing so.
I'd like to see the choice, tell those whom they feel comfortable telling.
Also, I think you could change your second two genre selections to 'opinion' and 'research' as I believe these more adequately describe the nature of your poll.
I do have a few suggestions you might want to consider: Your rhyming scheme is inconsistent. In your second stanza, you use ACBD, but throughout the rest of the poem you use ABCD. Consider revising either L11 or L12 as they seem to say basically the same thing. Consider adding more descriptive detail as this will make the poem come alive for the reader. I.e. what type of toy? Overuse of word laugh. try using smile, grin, giggle, snicker.
These are only suggestions, I always yield to the author.
I like your style. Since I'm not an avid reader of horror, the many different levels hadn't occurred to me.
I do have a few suggestions for this item you might want to consider.
Use ML codes to bold the different types, or underscore them. This reads more like an essay type to me, so, I'd think about changing your Item Type to 'essay', 'bulletin' or something else.
These are just a few suggestions, I always yield to the author.
Welcome to the site, if you have any questions please feel free to email me.
I like it! You show and tell your internal struggle with life's problems and share how you deal with them. It's refreshing to see you have still have hope. Only human, very apropos.
I do have suggestion about your brief description and genre selections:
*bullett* Your brief description should be a teaser for the reader to want to click on your item. Or, at the very least, a few words stated telling what your poem is about. I.e. My inner struggle with feelings.
If this is a personal experience, than you can add 'personal' and 'experience' to your genre selections, as they will help you gain more exposure for your item.
Write on,
Robin
I especially liked the line: And not for solitary keeps
My suggestions:
In a few of your sentences, be specific, as in your line trying to see you, maybe you could put something like, peeking around the hallway entrance, trying to see you.
I do have a few suggestions: Change your brief description to read something like, A cinquain poem about bees. After your poem, you might consider providing a brief description of what a cinquain is, for those readers who aren't familiar. Add 'nature' and maybe even 'environments" to your genre selection list as it will help gain more exposure for your poem. Title your piece. Do a search in the thesaurus with words like, buzz, fly, honey, bee.
Keep writing and posting.
Robin
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In L10, is the word ‘bit’ supposed to be ‘but?
