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Hi Legerdemain. This is a review from Looking Ahead on "Not His Name" ! After reading "Not His Name" I have the following comments to offer.
First Impression:
Wow! What an awesome poem-turned-story on the passion, the love between two strangers...presumably never to see each other again, never to love each other again, never to touch each...or will they? I adored the mystery the piece left with you, the dramatic passion it left in your heart.
Suggestions:
You specifically did not use any punctuation, and I like that for the story, but another way, if you think it's right for your piece, is this idea:
"Ready for flight.... (italiz.)soaring...
TriUMPHant shouts!!!!"
and/or
"To paint desire in vivid colors" (in differing colors)
I put a lot of my pieces like this, yes, to guide the imagination in the direction I am choosing for it to go; to choose how passionate, how deep I want them to feel it. However, you may want the reader to get their own feeling. I certainly was able to; had no problem getting into the piece.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
No problems/errors
Things I Like:
The passion, the quiet emotion felt; I felt I WAS one of the main characters. Not many poems are able to pull me in that far!
A Review on the Piece:
"Not His Name," by LegerDemain, is one of the most romantic, passionate, erotic pieces of poetry that I have read written in my time. The piece dives into a one night affair between two strangers, who never exchange names, have much more than just a 'shag' in bed, but something...that almost seems to touch even the readers very soul. At the end of the night, after such intimacy, they arise, to depart their separate ways.
Absolutely breathtaking, LegerDemain. If only more could write romance like you. But then again, it wouldn't be quite as special, if they could.
Verse 1- What's Ircon? Sorry, I truly don't know!! lol
Verse 3- "He ended the loving" I'd prob say ended the 'love', or you could put love italized, or bold. but love seems better than loving.
Verse 5- "Just move on. Please" Another idea for this is "Just move on now. Please (italized). Just. Move. On."
Verse 7- "Dear Mom and Dad," I'm not sure what the punctuation would be on this line, but I don't think like this. How I, personally think is
She writes her note
To her dear mom and dad.
That's how I would do it, as not to mess up the LAWS of punctuation, LOL
Verse 8- :Her pain no longer" Personally, I'd look into making this, "Her pain no more."
You need to work on the Punctuation all throughout. The use of a period or comma can dramatically change a work.
It's a wonderful piece!!! It just needs a few pieces every now and then! If you want me to rechange my rate, resend it to me after some changes have been made (not necessarily mine, but changes for the better), and I'll look it over again.
~LookingAhead~
Keep Rocking!!!
Review of the Poem, not just the nuts and bolts, below
"please don't" by Lela, is a wonderful story of young love gone horribly wrong. The main character has fallen hard for a guy, who recently told her that he didn't love her back. What's to be done? In the character's case, she sobs, and remembers the moments of all the times they were together, until...She decides to commit suicide.
"please don't" would be a wonderful poem to go into an urban collection of youth poetry for discussion of different problems facing children today. Brava, Lela!
"You're Dying" by Crimson Goth is a wonderful look at the the complexity between two people in the final moments of life. I personally, saw two completely different relationships in the poem. One is a husband/wife. The husband, an abuser, who never treated his wife the way he should. He hurt and beat her, tore her down, to the point where there was absolutely no love anymore. When he was dying, she saw the truth in his eyes, and he saw the truth in hers; he was a stone cold animal, and she knew it.
Another relationship that developed for me was a father/daughter. The father who never showed any compassion. Never hugged. Never said "I love you." Never glanced her way. And all se wanted was a sign of compassion. Then, the moment of truth. The daughter saw it; the father saw it. The daughter saw love, but, it was too late. The father saw, after all these years, the mistake he had made, and the truth in his daughter's eyes. Surely, sleep must be better.
What a dark, sad poem. However, it helps me look at the mistakes in my own life, and try to correct them, before the moment of truth.
Isn't this every little kids dream? To have everyone like them? To have everyone just BE like them, so then they WOULD play happily ever after? Mr Weirdo uses the mask of a robot, to show what he wishes for the world. All children to play together happily. As reading this, I took a look at the symbolism of some of the items used. The one that stood out to me most was the scrap metal and robot. I wonder if he was trying to show todays children, playing with handicapped children. You can't make the handicapped bodies whole again, I'm afraid. But programs are starting in museums acroos the nation to show a 'regular' child what it is like not to be able to walk. Or not to be able to hear. Cancer hospitals let children walk on the floors with children, and they do fun activities to explain what cancer is, so people are not afraid of it. This is ecspcially important for the immediate group of friends to do when their classmate is getting out of the hospital and returning to school, possibly with no hair.
Keep the Faith. Dream the Dream. Live the Life!
(Mr Weirdo, can I keep a copy of this? I work with elementary school children, escp. special needs children, and this poem would help alot. I won't print without your permission, though. Write me when you get a chance please
"Withered Bars" by Asylah is absolutely stunning. We can think of so many living in confinement; whether not by their own choice (senior care centers, protective custody, jails, orphanages, or at asylums by their own choice or others), or willingly, yet not quite able to leave (an abusive relationship, a pet in a home, a teenage runaway, a homeless family on the street, or just plain unhappiness with your conditions. And then there is the third, the person who fights both world, he cannot leave thee problems in his head by his own choice, so instead, when they arise, he willingly goes towards them so as to return to reality sooner. this is more bipolar symptoms.
Which is easier? Which would you rather do? Confine yourself to the darkness always known, or fight for the light that you need to see again?
Brava, Asylah, for bringing such an important subject to the surface!
"Farewell, My Darling" is an excellent piece by Angela Angelus speaking to the tragedies of drunk driving, and teenage drinking. You see the beautiful daughter, leaving, and her mother wishing her a good bye, only to get a phone call later that night. The phone call all dread. When she arrives and sees her lifeless, dead daughter, all she can think about it the singer she wanted to be. The lawyer her daddy wanted her to be. How I secretly thought she'd make a great veternarian, but whatever she wanted. But, back in reality, there was only one thing to do. Tell the past 'Farewell', and put it away.
Beautiful and Brava!
(Angela, the pain in here is remarkable. If you suffered through this, I'm sorry, and anyone else who has, we are all praying for you.)
Stokecity has written a beautiful piece of poetry in 'Black Dog'. I could see the victim sitting, trying anxiously to remain at as must ease as possible, until it was no longer possible. Then the mad, attacking black dog, violently raging the poor victim, until no more was left except a weeping, puddle of depression. The victim is so happy to be free of the pain, but like a dog, feels he must go back to his Master, no matter what the cost. What an awful world victims of depression live in.
I was shockingly surprised of his turn in a choice of a male victim, but was very pleased with the outcome. So many males are victims of domestic violence, and I would think it would be twice as hard fo them to get out of the relationship. Bravo, Stokecity!!
Stokecity, this is absolutely wonderful! when i saw this i thought about my own relationships, and also, i'm sorry to say, how i instinctly reacted immediately after those relationships with men who would get to close for comfort. it is hard to go through this, i'm sorry to say. keep writing, you are absoutely wonderful! Looking Ahead
This is a wonderful poem on the "Faith in One's Self." It includes an open, honest, interesting view at how to look at yourself as the 'king' or queen of your own destiny, and imagine a life full of happiness with oneself. Whether you agree with Paradoxical's outlook or not on the future, you can clearly see a different approach to life, and try to learn within yourself not to be so judgmental on other peoples viewpoints. Well done, Paradoxical!
Cal, the only reason I gave you a little lower is because the last few lines didn't quite go right. I have a fix for you, not sure because of the copyright how it works. Looks at the last verse, say it aloud to someone, see what they think, I'll re-do it for you. Otherwise, perfect
This is absolutely beautiful!! "Rays of Hope" tells of the person we want to be, we once were, and who we want to become again. I know that Joe Tidei's poetry will inspire many.
Joe, do you mind if I keep a copy of your poem? This really spoke to my heart.
I adore it, and what it is saying to your soul!! I don't know if it is me, but it seems to have some comma problems. That may be me. It really does not seem to all fit. Try to re-read it and see if it all fits to you. I'd love to re-read it for you. It really spoke to me about what my heart says.
Absolutely wonderful! I did not know quite what to expect when I began to read the wonderful piece of poetry, but as I read through it, the characters came alive, and my own history with domestic violence came upon me. Remembering the pain of the abuse at the hands of a male, I struggled through the poem to remember all of those men who are just as much a victim as I was, just at a hand of a cruel, heartless, woman; or even in a terrible, homosexual relationship, with an evil, thoughtless, man. Thank you, Mr. Campbell, for reminding us of what a cruel world it is out there, and that we need to take the time to help our neighbors whan they are in trouble (by calling the authorities), and helping our local shelters as much as possible.
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Things I Like:
If you want me to rechange my rate, resend it to me after some changes have been made (not necessarily mine, but changes for the better), and I'll look it over again.