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272 Public Reviews Given
437 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
My reviews are thorough, honest, and balanced. I read each story/poem multiple times: once for pleasure and judging emotional impact, and at least once more to focus on the technical aspects. I like when writers have at least one specific question about their work when submitting it for review. It helps the reviewer understand the writer's intentions and thus provide more useful feedback.
I'm good at...
English grammar and spelling, suggesting improvements in word choice and sentence/paragraph construction, spotting plot issues and underdeveloped characters, offering specific suggestions for improvement, pointing out my favorite passages/characters/etc.
Favorite Genres
Literary fiction, fantasy, young adult, poetry
Least Favorite Genres
Very technical science fiction, romance, erotica, persuasive essays with poorly supported viewpoints
Favorite Item Types
I generally only review static items. Books and book entries are negotiable.
Least Favorite Item Types
Anything that isn't a static item or book.
I will not review...
1) Persuasive essays with poorly supported viewpoints. 2)Extremely rough drafts, unless the requester gives me a heads-up on what to focus on as I read.
Public Reviews
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26
26
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Title: "Vampiric Interdiction: Prologue" 

Author: Talicia Em

For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 
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Plot: This chapter flows well, and introduces the (presumably) two main characters of the story, but at the end, I was sort of left wondering where the story would go from here. No conflict is introduced. We don't really ever find out who Villahr and the baby are, how they fit into a bigger picture, or what their motives are. Where does the story go from here? I guess it just lacks a hook, something to keep the reader reading (though, for the record, I would keep reading anyway because I like your descriptive writing style).

I think the internal dialogue at the beginning of the story went on a little too long. A few of the sentences are redundant. Consider consolidating/pruning it down JUST A LITTLE.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

Scene: A dark and broken house, full of misery and broken glass. And then a glorious sunrise that goes unappreciated. Fantastic images! I could picture the whole story. And your gradual physical description of Villahr was skillfully done. The description of him was fully integrated into the story itself, rather than being bluntly stated in some random place in the story. Well done!

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Character development: We know Villahr is an "elder" of some organization or group (is that what you mean by "elder Vici"?) He has a kid that was brought into the world under tragic circumstances. Some bad stuff has happened to him, and he's inconsolable about it. That's all we really know about him. As far as this chapter is concerned, for all I know he's just going to sit and contemplate his misery for the rest of the book. Again, consider dropping a few hints as to where the story is going to go from here.

Villahr's state of mind definitely comes across in the story--his despair is palpable. It shows us that he cares about the welfare of others, loves deeply, and feels responsible for the events of his past. I enjoyed delving so deep into a character's mind.

He tried to put himself in Reveal’s place on that eve — he must have been terrified. His home was being invaded, that’s all he understood, and it was apparent that it was time to get out of there and find a new one. We're talking about the day Reveal was born, right? He probably didn't understand ANYTHING if that's the case. I find it weird to think that he was already associating a place as "home" even though he had been born not a day earlier. (I don't know much about kids though, haha.)

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

Style/grammar/spelling/punctuation: I'm not big on vampire stuff (though the only hints so far that we may be dealing with vampires are the title of the story and the mention of Villahr's heightened senses...and MAYBE his long white hair *Laugh*), but I enjoyed reading your prose. It flows well, and you craft your sentences carefully. And in the fourth paragraph below the italicized text, I really admire how you completely avoid using the word "heart" there. Such a great example of the ART of good writing.

Some typos I spotted and some editorial suggestions:

As he watched, an owl landed on one of its arms, (period, not comma) he listened to its cries hoping it would drown out the(?) guilt-filled screams within.

...and exhausted breaths from the small bundle nuzzled in against(?) his chest.

The whistling winds and branches tickling the window face, had scared him into consciousness... That comma is distracting--puts an unnatural pause in the sentence.

...and pressed his tiny cheek to the older man’s chest. "Older" seems a curious qualifier here--the only other person in the room for him to be older than is the baby, and of course that goes without saying. Consider rewording a little--when you say "older", do you mean he's middle-aged, or even older than that? Another thing to consider is whether knowing his age is really important for the reader at this point in the story.

The small cinders hit the mesh curtain surrounding it and dropped to the ground...

Villahr lifted the hand not supporting Reveal’s bitty backside and stretched his digits, his index finger coming very close, but within a narrow margin of the flesh, he pulled back. First of all, "bitty" is adorable, but it kinda doesn't conform to the tone of the piece, in my opinion. We're utterly submersed in Villahr's darkest thoughts, and then there's a...bitty baby butt.... Second, the sentence itself is a bit convoluted. The way the sentence is set up, "flesh" seems to refer to the baby's backside, since that was the last "flesh" mentioned.

Despite the slight chill that seeped in through a crack in the pane he’d found to replace the horribly splintered one that once occupied the space, the room was exactly the same as it was. So, with the pane with the single crack in it, it's now COLDER than it was with the "horribly splintered" pane? Seems to me like there would be LESS of a draft. Consider rewording?

Villahr hardly laid eyes upon his child anymore...

However, there are certain things better left cloaked in darkness, and from now on - Villahr knew... Hyphen should be a comma.

...it was about Reveal's safety...

The sight brought pain and sadness, yet his eyes would not turn from it...

His fare fair, white skin shone...

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

My favorite thing about this story: The descriptions of the scene--all five senses are evoked. It really drew me in.

Overall: I enjoyed this story. I got pretty into it as I read. However, it seemed to be building up to something that never happened. It's just the prologue, of course, but to me it read like a stand-alone scene--it doesn't give much direction. It introduces characters, which is great, but I'm not sure it serves the function of a prologue. Could you combine this with your chapter 1, or does Chapter 1 involve a large time shift and/or a shift to a new set of charcters? If you can't combine it, consider dropping more hints as to WHY this prologue is important to the rest of the story--WHY does the reader need to have knowledge of this evocative scene?

Let me know if you questions about any of my comments, and please post Chapter 1 soon!!!

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
27
27
Review of The Burning City  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Title: "The Burning City" 

Author: MichelleWriteMeow

For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 
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Hi! I saw your story posted on the Power Reviewers review request page and thought I'd give it a read!

Plot: I was immediately drawn in by the clarity of your style, natural-sounding dialogue, and the way you started the story in the middle of an interesting event. Overall, I had an easy time following the story, though the prose was a bit choppy (more on that later.)

The end of the first section reads like a laundry list of facts, about the boys' background, the Blood Citadel, etc., as if you'd forgotten to mention those things before and were tacking them onto the end just to get them in there.

Questions:

*Burstg*So, Av'niel wanted to pretend to be Ascended, right? That sounds like a pretty special class of people. Do they wear the same uniforms as normal soldiers/Jan'caran citizens? I just think it's odd that they found a pair of appropriate uniforms on people just lying in the street (whom you didn't specifically mention were Royal Heirs themselves).

*Burstg* If he recognizes Av’niel’s eyes… I wasn't clear on the implication of this, and whether or not the Commanded did recognize his eyes. I am a huge fan of subtlety, but I think this part may have been a bit too subtle.

*Burstg*Together they made very good liars. I thought it was pretty obvious (and Jaq even alluded to the fact in the previous paragraph) that the Commander didn't actually believe their story. And the Commander even called him out as a liar a few minutes before. I think that makes them very BAD, but willing--and LUCKY--liars!

*Burstg*Neither Jaq nor Av’niel was certain of their real age, You just stated that they'd spent their 16th summers together. I think that fact needs a qualifier on it if they're not actually sure of their ages.

*Burstg*At the beginning of the second section, Jaq is asking questions I feel like should have been covered BEFORE they started marching (and asking them to the COMMANDER, no less). Just my opinion, though.

*Burstg*I was a bit confused at the introductory explanation of "Cursed Blood". It says they're a race of people with no magic, but they WANT to cast magic, but doesn't that mean they CAN'T cast magic, and how would "Cursed Blood" be a "new way of casting magic" if they're "void" of all magic? I'm sure it totally works as a thing (and I'm sure it'll become clear as I read on), but I just wanted to let you know that this passage made me scratch my head. ***Ok, I'm further down in the story now, and I'm still confused (also, you repeat the description of the Cursed Bloods as if you hadn't already given one.) Isn't being able to manipulate someone else's blood to generate magic a form of magic in itself? Wouldn't that mean the Cursed Bloods DO have a form of magic?

*Burstg*How did Jaq and Av'niel know where the palace was? (Did you address that and I just missed it?)

*Burstg*He knew any damage done to the Cursed Blood would also damage the king. You say this, but then they promptly proceed to destroy her. It would be more believable if the link between the mage and the king was severed at some point. Based on this statement, the king should have died with the mage, right?

*Burstg*I'm a bit confused at the ending of the story. Why didn't they just let the Cursed Blood kill the Sun King? Wouldn't that be enough to start a war over the laws of magic? If you get a minute, I'd really like to hear your analysis.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

Scene: I loved the description of the Burning City and the Palace. They really immersed me in the story. Great job on this. I would have liked a bit more detail on the uniforms Jaq and Av'niel stole on the streets of Jan'caro, maybe some more setting description in the desert march passage.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

Character development: Jaq and Av'niel aren't ever fully realized as characters, in my opinion. Their friendship is good, but I'm never really convinced of their motives. Av'niel doesn't get a chance to find out about his heritage in the city, and this lack of fulfillment of this goal is never mentioned. Not sure if Jaq got what he signed up for or not (notwithstanding the whole betrayal thing, of course...) Kaven needs a bit more development, in my opinion. He's very much a plot device. From his excellent dialogue in the first section, I really thought he was going to be an interesting character, but he's never really further developed.

By the way, at what point did the boys get on first-name terms with Commander Kaven?

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Style/grammar/spelling/punctuation: The technical aspects of this work are very polished, which I really appreciated as a reader--it allowed me to just sit back and enjoy the story itself! However, it could use some improvement in flow. I find it a little choppy, jumping from one subject to the next in little chunks of exposition. I enjoyed the content, but I could never get into a rhythm while I read.

Editorial suggestions:

*Burstg* “Drink much, do you?” He gave Jaq a stern look. Jaq grinned.

         “Beg your pardon, sir?” In my opinion, "Jaq grinned" should be on the same line as his own question, not in the line before with the Commander's line.

*Burstg*Both boys enlisted specifically for a mission to Jan’caro; to discover the truth of Av’niel’s heritage, and to give Jaq some of the military action he’d been searching for. This struck me as a very blunt, matter-of-fact statement and kinda broke the flow of the story for me. It struck me as a commentary thrown in for utilitarian purposes, rather than being woven into the story.

*Burstg* He knew damn well the boys were too young to enlist. The POV seems to jump to the Commander here. I would recommend keeping it all in Jaq's POV

*Burstg* “Jan’caran Guards, Jaq! We need to get out of here. Towards the Palace, like Commander Gale said.” This is Av'niel speaking, I presume?

*Burstg* “Leave that up to me.”

*Burstg* The uniforms fit both boys as well as they could. This is a strange and somewhat awkward anthropomorphism of the uniforms.

*Burstg*The wounds left behind looked more like someone had taken an axe to a man’s torso than a sword. Awkward phrasing--consider revising.

*Burstg*It was rumored to be the only building ever fully created by Blood Magic. Do you perhaps mean to say it was the only building ever created using only Blood Magic?

*Burstg*Dust and sand filled the cool night air from the explosion. => "Dust and sand from the explosion filled the cool night air."

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

My favorite thing about this story: In some parts, you really drew me in. I got some strong visuals. And I enjoyed the exchange between Jaq and the Commander at the beginning--truly well-written dialogue.

Overall: Despite a few confusions, I enjoyed reading this because of the visuals I got, and I think the two systems of blood magic have the potential to be really interesting. I think I did end up liking the characters even if I felt they were under-developed. They were just two rather confused kids caught up in something way over their heads. Thanks for sharing this, and keep writing!!!

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Title: "The North and the South" 

Author: General PGT Beauregard

For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 
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Hello, General! I saw your story on the Power Reviewers review request list and thought I'd give it a read.

Plot: I like the idea of describing a civil war battle from both sides, but I just plain could not follow this story. It did nothing to keep me engaged--I zoned in and out of consciousness as I read. I should have stopped reading, but I felt you deserved the thorough, honest review you asked for.

By the middle of the story, I was skimming. It all turned to dialogue after awhile, with very little descriptive detail or plot flow to keep me interested or even oriented in the story. We don't know anything about what's going on in the characters' heads.

Scene: You include some great description to set the scene and time period of the story, but I would have liked to see a deeper level of detail. Instead of "grey uniforms", consider mentioning some little details ABOUT the uniform (did the characters wear any medals? were there stripes? what kind of shoes were they issued?) I would also have liked to see more setting detail. What was the weather like? What did the battlefield look like? What kind of plants were around? etc.

Character development: I got really confused in the first few paragraphs when you switch back and forth between Jack and General Johnson. From whose point of view is this story supposed to be told? I feel like it would help the reader if you chose one and stuck with it.

You give some background to Jack Kenneth's life in paragraphs 3 through 5, but it reads as a character outline rather than a story, and it's a bit repetitive (you mention his loyalty to the Confederate cause and staunch belief in slavery multiple times.)

He'd personally believed that slavery should be held for those who were the scum of the Earth. This line comes across as unbelievable to me. I have not done NEARLY as much historical reading as you have, so I do trust your judgement, but I feel like it's not really necessary here to state that he felt enslaved people were the scum of the earth. I think it's mainly an issue of placement.

Make sure your paragraph breaks are logical. Each paragraph should have a single uniting theme. I got lost in some of them because they jumped around or read as lists of unrelated observations (for example, see the paragraph starting with Despite the North's resounding success against the South.)

Why did Ned and Major Kenneth fight each other for hours?

Style/grammar/spelling/punctuation: I found this story hard to read due to its rough-draft nature. There are words missing, paragraphs repeated, random punctuation, etc.

My technical critique of your first paragraph:

Jack Kenneth eyed the Confederate grey uniformed battalions marching out of the town. War torn and weary faces were stuck in the battalions (passive voice and strange word choice; what do you mean the faces "were stuck"?).vWounded after the defeat at the Battle of Tennessee; (inappropriate use of semicolon, should be a comma; also, does him having been wounded have any bearing on him turning to watch the city burn? If not, this may not be the appropriate place to bring it up.) Jack Kenneth He turned his head to see (word choice suggestion: "watch"? it's a bit more active and intentional than "see") the city of Columbia burning. His eyes raged in anger (I'm having a hard time visualizing what it means for eyes to rage; also, rage implies anger, so "anger" here is redundant).

Some other comments:

I found your style excessively wordy. For example, "A sullen look had been imposed on his face." could be stated more succinctly as, "He looked sullen," without losing any meaning.

Check out paragraphs 7 and 8. I think one is a draft of the other, but you unintentionally left both in.

The solider bowed and left. Again, I yield to your knowledge of history, but I just have to ask--did American soldiers ever bow? Would he not have saluted instead, or did that not start 'til later?

You switch back and forth from Jack's story to Ned's story without any warning whatsoever--consider putting a row of asterisks, or even just an extra line break (or better yet, since this is a long story, some mini-chapter numbering).

I'm not gonna lie to you, Men of the South, it is true we have lost the war, but if we fight on, we can win this battle. ' I don't understand the motivation here--if they've already lost, why are they still fighting?

Overall: I didn't make it to the end of the story. This was a really hard piece for me to read. First of all, it's not my genre of choice, but I can usually read objectively. More importantly, it was long, unorganized, and rough. But, since no one else had responded to your review request on our page, I figured I should. I hope my feedback is worth something. Please keep working on this story, and on your writing in general--there are not enough good history writers in the world, and I think you can fill the niche one day. You clearly have the knowledge base, just need to work on implementation. Once you thoroughly revise the story, please do submit it for review again.

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star*

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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Title: "The Old Holy Cemetery " 

Author: ChrisDaltro-Chasing Moonbeams

For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 
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Hi, Christina! I saw your story on the Power Reviewers review list, and thought I'd give it a go :)

Plot: A medium-in-training goes to do her ritual Offering so she can advance in her spiritual practice.

What an intriguing plot! It's based in an actual tradition, which I had known absolutely nothing about before I read this story, so I can honestly say I've never read anything like this before, and I am very thankful for the opportunity to read something so new to me!

I got a bit bogged down in the big chunk of expository dialogue at the beginning of the story. Consider delivering that information in a different way, or at least letting the reader get to know the Spiritual Father as he talks (is he gesturing while he's saying all this? What does he look like? What is his attitude? Where is he standing while giving this lecture?)

*Burstg*I love the last line of the story. Gave me chills.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Scene: The beauty and vividness of the imagery you use in this story is so obvious, I feel like I don't even need to mention it! It's all so tangible and mysterious and awe-inspiring--every single time I came across a word I didn't know, I looked it up, and began to piece together a system of beliefs that invested much in prop-filled rituals. You have everything down to a very small level of detail, and you address all five senses in your descriptions. The carefully-described ritual Rosa undertakes is the backbone of the story, and you do a fantastic job painting the picture for the reader.

The only thing I think could make this part of the story stronger is if you'd describe things more from Rosa's point of view. The POV in this story wanders a little bit (it jumps to the pai a few times--by the way, consider signaling those POV shift by using asterisks--or even just an extra line break--to section them off?), but I think it'd be interesting to get more of a view through Rosa's eyes--I wanted to know more of her opinions, what went through her head as she performed the ritual. We know she was scared, but that's about it.

I enjoyed the description of Satan at the end, but it went on a bit too long. It began to read like a field researcher's notes describing a new (albeit terrifying) species, very factual and not very emotional. And in my opinion, there are too many "Oh so"'s in that paragraph. But overall, it definitely freaked me out, especially him stomping toward her on his goat hooves.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

Character development: I wanted Rosa to come to more of a solid enlightenment in the story. She realized halfway through that she did not want to dabble with these mysterious forces anymore, which is good, but I'm not sure I understood why her mind was so readily changed. She had been so intent on becoming a medium just moments before--her transformation seemed a bit too sudden and unsupported. And surely she'd had some idea of what being a medium would entail before she embarked on this whole thing. (Or perhaps it's not a fault of the story at all--perhaps it's just me wishing she were a braver person. I would certainly have liked to see her accomplish her goal. Or perhaps she did accomplish it--the ending is a bit ambiguous...Who knows what she does after her corporeal encounter with Satan??)

Were the Spiritual Father and Babalorixá Antonio the same person? That wasn't 100% clear to me (at least not until the third paragraph).

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Style/grammar/spelling/punctuation: The grammar, punctuation, and pronoun usage are a bit rocky, and some passages are overly wordy. Here are a few representative examples, and suggestions on how to make things flow a little better.

*Burstg*Consider giving some attention to comma usage on your next revision--I noticed both missing and extraneous commas as I read, and they jumped out at me enough to disrupt the rhythm of my reading. Let me know if you'd like me to point out some specifics, but I'm sure you'll catch them all on your next edit.

*Burstg*In your dialogue you apply an unorthodox usage of punctuation, perhaps to emphasize the rhythm of the speaker's words. In my personal opinion, it's distracting. (See the dialogue lines in the second paragraph as an example.) It puts me in mind of Captain Kirk on Star Trek, and the jerky, overdramatic way he spoke.

*Burstg*The Spiritual Father's dialogue was a bit inconsistent for me. His use of the word "newbie" threw me off--it seems like a weird word for a "Spiritual Father" figure to use.

*Burstg*...each of you have has to follow the Mediums’ Path to Enlightenment rules.

*Burstg* He walked to a big, tall cross To me, "big" implies "tall", so "tall" here is redundant.

*Burstg*Just out of curiosity, what is a Jake tree? Google is giving me nothing, and I'm very curious!

*Burstg*She craved for the dance rituals...

*Burstg*She wanted to follow the white Pemba traces on the floor before the gun-powder explosions done for the powerful, spiritual entities which statuettes stood, side by side, in the altar. I get lost about halfway through this sentence (around the word "done", I think). Is there a typo in here somewhere, or is my brain just not working tonight?

*Burstg* Rosa was prettified petrified.

*Burstg*SThe scent of the Colombian red roses...

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Halfstar*

My favorite thing about this story: I enjoyed looking up all the Portugese words! They really added to the ambiance of the story. And I'd never heard of Yoruba, so I'm learning all about that now too :) Thanks so much for this great opportunity for cultural exposure!

Overall: I'm so glad I stumbled upon this story! I hope to have the opportunity to read more of your work in the future. You have such a way with descriptive passages--so vivid and symbolic. Let me know if you have any questions about my feedback (especially if I've gotten anything totally wrong), and please keep writing!

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Title: "The Wounds of a Dogwood" 

Author: Maryann - House Martell

For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 
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Hi, Maryann! This review is Surprise #6 of your Dozen Delights package *Bigsmile*

Theme: I was drawn to this poem because of the title, which is beautiful and evocative. When I opened the poem, I was struck by the layout--I love the font colors and icons you chose, and it works very well to have the poem centered on the page. Even the signature at the bottom adds to the natural feel of the poem.

There is an echo of allegory in this piece, of healing after a trusted friend temporarily turns on you. A great metaphor for such a situation. Though things change, they often come full circle, and many wounds can be healed in that fashion.

Imagery: The imagery you show here is beautiful--the dogwood, surrounded by comrades in the forest, the warm sun, the dogwood's tough scars. You paint a lovely picture :)

Meter/rhyme/structure: This piece is classified as prose, and as such, there is no set meter or rhyme. I did enjoy the structure of the story, with the circularity between the first and last lines, and the "That changed" repeated. I did think the second "That changed"'s were placed in an unlikely spot--nothing really changed after that one: the dogwood remains wounded.

Grammar/spelling/punctuation: Just a few comments:

Gentle breezes sang soft songs, to which all the trees swayed to in peaceful harmony. (That second "to" is redundant.)

The sweet scent of the other trees, (no comma needed) and their dancing leaves quickly began to heal the dogwood's crimson wounds.


Overall: A lovely piece! I love stories and poems with an earthy feel to them, and I love to explore different poetry/story formats like this one. It makes me want to write something like this of my own! Thanks for the inspiration, and keep writing *Delight*

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*


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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Title: "The Heart of the Mater" 

Author: Just an Ordinary Boo!

For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 
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Hi, jyo! This review is part of your Power Review Shop *Lightning*Lightning Package*Lightning*!!!


Plot: This little story spans three generations and keeps a great pace. I never got bored or bogged down. To be honest, when I started reading, I thought, "Huh. A story about semi-anthropomorphized monkeys. I'm not sure how far in I'm going to make it..." (simply due to my personal reading preferences.) But your colorful prose, the steadily moving plot, and the fable-ish style (which usually promises a satisfying if not super-cheerful ending) kept me going.

By the middle of the story, I was rapt. I noticed I was actually leaning closer and closer to my computer screen in anticipation of the culmination of the tale! And as I predicted, the ending was satisfying if not super cheerful (in fact, it almost brought tears to my eyes.)

Just one question:

*Burstg* You mention that the tree was a large one now and there would have been food for twenty more. But later, the mother monkey is going around sucking the juice from the mangoes that the younger female discards. Is she just doing this to be tidy? I didn't get the impression there was a limiting amount of food (at least for four months out of the year.) Did the mother intend to store some of the food? You do mention the "kids" didn't help with the storing or cleaning, but you don't mention the importance of either of those activities to their survival or comfort.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Scene: Your beautiful descriptions, especially of the mango tree with its long tender leaves with curly edges and fruit that swelled to blushing gold richness (and had cheeks--what a wonderfully accurate image!) were one of my favorite parts of the story.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Character development: The mother is incredibly selfless. She has absolutely no failings except perhaps that she is too selfless for her own good (it made me so sad whenever she made an excuse for the behaviors forced upon her by the mean younger monkey--having to suck the juices from discarded fruit, having to give up her favorite sleeping spot, etc.). Her son is a good monkey--a good provider for his family, and keeps his connection with his mother (emotionally, at least) even after his mate and children begin to demand more and more of his attention and resources. Like his mother, he is aware of the cyclical nature of life and accepts it even though it's painful. He is a very real character (aside from being a monkey *Laugh*: I can imagine many people acting the same way he did, erring on the side of their mate's preferences as opposed to following their heart and maintaining their bonds with their parents.

That little female monkey made me so angry. What kind of person (er, monkey) could be so heartless????? I guess jealousy is a strong emotion. Still makes me angry though!!! Made me wish the male monkey would grow a backbone! It was very interesting having the tale told from a universal viewpoint--my emotional response kept shifting around, from admiration to sympathy to anger, depending on which monkey was in the spotlight.

A few questions:

*Burstg* At the beginning of the story, the mother monkey's mate sort of...eats and runs, if you know what I mean. And it's mentioned that most male monkeys behave that way. So then why does the son monkey bring his mate home with him and stay with her to raise their children? (Or was it not his choice at all--did the female just refuse to leave the tree after she tasted the mangoes?)

*Burstg* From the way you describe the "encounter" that the mother monkey has with the lithe brown male, I got the impression that this species of monkey is patriarchal, where the males get their way and, for the most part, are the leaders of their troupes. So I wondered why the son's mate had such a strong authority over him? Is it just because he grew up away from other monkeys, just him and his mother? Would it be appropriate to (very briefly) touch on this issue in the story?

*Burstg* Would you consider giving the monkeys names? If not actual names, then perhaps describing them by some physical characteristic, so you don't have to keep referring to them as "older monkey," "younger monkey", etc?

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

Style/grammar/spelling/punctuation: I just love the style of this tale. It's such a universal story, relevant to all eras and cultures. Lines like One day what she found in that next-next tree... give it the tone of a Just So Story.

A few humble suggestions:

*Burstg* The very first sentence of the story isn't a complete sentence. Is that intentional?

*Burstg* Deep within the verdant lush forests of India... Don't "verdant" and "lush" mean approximately the same thing? One of them is redundant, in my opinion. (Likewise, check the phrase ...her son’s anxious restless gaze downwards...)

*Burstg* ...what was unusual in her was a desire to see... This is a bit of an awkward construction. Consider rewording.

*Burstg* Her body had alike ripened and she found the change amazing and rewarding, a welling forth of such pride and tenderness that her joyous tears rained upon the face of her newborn son. I think this metaphor needs a bit of tweaking--when I think of "ripening" in relation to pregnancy, it doesn't directly translate to "giving birth". To me, a "ripened" body is one that's about to give birth, so I felt like an important step (the actual birthing) was skipped in this description.

*Burstg* But no hint of hers that he should dispossess his mother of the cave and make it a winter home worked. A bit of an awkward sentence. Consider rephrasing.

*Burstg* The very last line is missing a comma after heart.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

My favorite thing about this story: The beautiful imagery and the way it effortlessly evokes strong emotions

Overall: This story made me want to 1) go buy about 5 pounds of mangoes (I kid you not!!! I'm going to the store as soon as I'm done with this review!), and 2) call my mom. I'm left wondering if the mother truly was in pain at the end when she offered her life to her son. Perhaps because I have no children of my own, I don't usually enjoy "mother" stories, but this one truly touched me, and I'm so glad I read it *Smile*. Thank you for sharing, and I will definitely be visiting your portfolio again!!!

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

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Review of COGs  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Title: "COGs" 

Chapter: Excerpt

Author: Clarified Chaos

For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 
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Plot: You say this is an "excerpt" from your story/novel. I assume it's from near the beginning. You're introducing the characters and building sympathy for their situation.

This chapter has Claire and Fabir talking, then Claire and Gabrielle talking, then Claire seeing someone get "taken" (It's so funny, I have a very similar scene in my novel, where the main character sees someone like her get "taken" off the streets. I'm gonna go with, "Great minds think alike" *Wink*), then Claire and Fabir talking again. Not too much action, but it does set down some foundation that the rest of the story can build on. I have to say though, it was a lot of talking and not much else. The way you SHOWED the cruelty of the guards by having one whip Fabir just for talking was cool--I wished there was more of that kind of thing in the story, i.e. letting the reader become familiar with the characters, their surroundings, and their relationships by seeing/experiencing rather than hearing about nearly everything through the characters' dialogues and Claire's thoughts.

When Claire met Gabrielle, I was confused on how long Claire had been in this camp thing, or perhaps I just mis-imagined how much interaction people have there. How could the two not have met? Or is Gabrielle new? That would explain why she questioned Claire's use of the word "cells"...but then why was her voice "vaguely familiar" to Claire? I think that part may need a word or two of clarification.

Style and Voice: Be sure to be specific in your word choice, and use strong, meaningful words. I found your prose to be a little wordy. Instead of using tons of adjectives and adverbs to describe, use more strong, specific nouns and verbs.

Also make sure your paragraph breaks are meaningful. A paragraph should be about one uniting topic. The paragraph that ends with He laid another piece of iron on the anvil. would be just fine if it didn't include that last line. It's not related to the rest of the paragraph, so it should either be its own pararaph, or try to tie it into the paragraph, which is about Claire's feelings for Fabir, by relating it to Claire's own perception of the event: "She watched him lay another piece of iron on the anvil, sympathizing with the sadness weighing down his every movement but totally powerless to release him from it." (...or something *Laugh*.)

Some specific comments:

He gently grabbed her by the chin and gazed into her eyes. Can you "gently grab" something? To me, grabbing is, by definition, not gentle.

He gently laid an almost yellow piece of iron on the anvil What color is "almost yellow"?

“We’re supposed to be sculpting pole axes today, not longswords.” I know absolutely nothing about blacksmithing--how could he tell she was making a longsword and not a poleaxe?

and that would make him infinitely sadder This story is told from Claire's POV--how does she know this much about what Fabir feels? Don't get me wrong, it's perfectly plausible that the two know each other that well. That fact just needs to be well-supported. The way it's written now, I felt like it came out of nowhere.

The sizzle of rapidly cooling metal sounded unbearably loud to her ears "To her ears" here is redundant--to what other organ would something sound unbearably loud?

Scene: I would have liked more setting detail. There are wonderful details of the forge, but I'm really not sure how to picture this place as a whole. Some more setting description would be helpful. For example, what does Claire see as she walks from her work station to the mess hall? And what does the mess hall look like?

Character Development: Claire and Fabir are friends. Their relationship is elaborated upon more than anything else in the entire chapter, so it must be important. The way it's written sure doesn't leave anything up to the imagination though--it's all spelled out really bluntly. There isn't much interpretation for the reader to do. As my personal preference, I like when things are slightly more subtle. Statements like Claire loved to make him laugh, and she hated it when he was anything but happy. and She loved Fabir, but she couldn’t possibly think about being in love with him. are very direct, but in my opinion, those two facts should be apparent to the reader through Claire's actions--they shouldn't have to be stated. And frankly, I think the story ALREADY does a great job of making the reader realize those two things. One thing I'm currently working on in my own writing is being more aware of the advice that "What you DON'T say is just as important as what you do say."

Keep in mind that this next statement may just come from the fact that I don't read this genre very often: I couldn't help but notice that Fabir says Claire's name in, like, every sentence.

As I said above, I'm a bit confused about Gabrielle, but she seems like a lovely character otherwise.

I'm very curious about this "The Duke" fellow...

Your dialogue is great--very natural-sounding.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: Some specifics:

“Claire.” She shook her head, attempting to clear the fuzz that was beginning to take permanent residence in it. There should be a paragraph break after "Claire." Fabir says it, then the next line is Claire doing something. Generally, a character's dialogue gets is own paragraph, which it can only share it with actions that he or she does himself or is involved in. It keeps the reader from getting confused who's talking. This situation occurs four more times in the five following paragraphs, so watch for it as you revise.

Similarly, in the line “Now.” He said. , I couldn't tell if it was Fabir or the guard talking.

the knights’ in shining armor Delete the apostrophe in "knights'".


“Here,” Fabir held out his hammer, “you’re better at sculpting anyways.” Both commas should be periods.

Somehow, despite the grim circumstances with which they daily found themselves in

Favorite parts: I like that it takes place in a forge!

General comments: This seems like a great foundation for a story. I want to know a lot more about the circumstances surrounding the characters (Claire and Fabir's relationship is cute, but it reminds me of many, many other literary relationships-- Katniss and Gale springs to mind, were you by any chance inspired by them?). From this excerpt, the reader knows practically nothing about WHY the kids are slaving away in a forge and being treated like animals. And where do they go when they're taken away? I also want to know more about Claire's parents, and by extension all the other kids' parents--what happened to all of them? I guess I will have to keep reading to find out, and thus you will have to keep writing :)

Thanks for sharing this!

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Review of Sword poem  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Title: "Sword poem" 

Author: Princess Zelda

For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 
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Theme: Being willing to enter the BATTLE though you may not be totally ready. Practicing and knowing when to ask for help when you need it make for a truly powerful warrior :)

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Imagery: Perfect use of this visual style of poetry. It reflects the theme and strongly reinforces it. The poem itself is mainly about the heart and mind of the sword-holder, but there are images of the beast and the arena and the warrior's small hand holding a sword that shines, and it all comes together to paint a picture of an eager young female fighter who had stumbled in the past but is learning to be a champion.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Meter/rhyme/structure: The words of the poem flow nicely. There was only one measly place where I felt like the rigid structure of the poem took priority over the words themselves:

warrior or / champion "Warrior" and "champion" are the same thing, so the "or" threw me off a bit as I read. If you plan on revising this, consider playing around with this part.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Grammar/spelling/punctuation: One typo:

everyday => every day

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

My favorite line: tomorrow/again this/big battle/begins/and I/win/it Few poem endings I've read have given me so many goosebumps!

Overall: This is so awesome!!! It's totally epic. I read it, like, 8 times. And it's just so cool to look at! I want to print it out on poster board and slap it on my wall for inspiration! I will definitely be back to your port, and I am definitely gonna go try to write a shape poem of my own right now *Starstruck*.

Keep writing!!!

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

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Review of Bitter Love  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Title: "Bitter Love" 

Author: Sarah A. MacDonald

For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 
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Theme: "The best love is a truly bitter love." Bitter love is described as a relationship that's full of sadness and pain. The justification for it being the "best" kind of love is that the sensations it causes are strongest and stay in a person's consciousness longer than those caused by more...enjoyable relationships.

In response to your specific question about the last line, I personally thought the poem would pack a bigger punch if it ended with the penultimate line. I'm not sure the last line adds any new information or insight, since the "lingering" nature of bitter love was already mentioned in the third line. Just my opinion though!

Imagery: This is a strictly abstract poem; there's very little imagery.

Meter/rhyme/structure: This is a lovely, rhythmic piece. I like the similar sounding line endings "etch", "ache", and "hitch". And the phrase "bitter love" is quite poetic all by itself, and i liked the circularity created by mentioning it in the first and last lines of the main body of the poem.

Grammar/spelling/punctuation: In your review request you mention that there's a reason you left out punctuation--can you tell me what that reason is? I'm just curious how you came to the decision not to use it, and if there's a meaning behind it. (The only thing I can guess is that you wanted to exaggerate the meaning of the one question mark that appears in the poem.)

The only place where the lack of punctuation may have restricted my understanding of the poem was at this line:

to feel so strongly about anything First of all, the language used in this line is rather vague and nonspecific, whereas you use such strong, meaning-filled words in the rest of the poem. Second, I'm not sure whether this line is supposed to be part of the idea in the previous line or the subsequent line.

Another place where I felt the language was vague:

because I may feel more than anything By "anything", do you mean "at any other time"/"in response to anything else on earth"? I can infer what you mean here (i.e., if you said this in conversation, I'd know exactly what you were trying to say), but in written form the meaning is a little weak, and the "may", casting doubt on the whole thing, weakens it a bit further.

My favorite line: into heartlines and linger with an ache

Overall: A lovely little gem of a poem with a thought-provoking theme. Let me know if you make any revisions! Thanks for sharing this :) Keep writing!!!

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Title: "The Luck Of The Draw" 

Author: Danielle N Thompson

For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 
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Plot: Another intriguing plot! A detective scours an apparent murder scene, interrogates witnesses to find out the story leading up to the victim's death, and eventually he finds out the truth about what happened. I like the ending. Didn't see it coming.

I have a few questions:

It's interesting that the son was the one that called 911, when the mom and the sister were both there as well. Guess that shows how much they wanted to just run off with the money. I find it odd that Jeffries didn't note this as unusual, and I find it odd that they're treating it as a homicide when there's no indication of foul play (or are they not treating it as a homicide? Did I interpret that wrong?) If she'd just had a heart attack (i.e., if there were no wounds on her body or any reason to suspect she'd been murdered), wouldn't they just take her to the hospital?

“I just know they were on long enough to get here and fix her a cup of tea,” Estelle said... I'm not sure what this means. Is it saying Estelle had time to fix Denny a cup of tea before the lights went out? She'd just recounted what she did when she arrived though, and all she said was she came in without knocking and got Erin to put the gun away. Why didn't she mention the tea then?

Thirty minutes later... This is a really abrupt transition. It would be interesting to know what Jeffries was thinking and doing during that 30 minutes (besides watching the two women not talk to each other).

The fuse blowing at the exact moment it did was a rather far-fetched coincidence, isn't it?

The end of the story seems very rushed. Hopefully you get a chance to flesh it out a little bit so the last line has a big impact on the reader.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

Scene: There are nice setting details about the apartment--the small rooms, the smell, the kitchen, the broken couch, the spilt tea, the lay of the dead body. I would have liked to know about Jeffries's office, where I assume he's going over the files at the end of the story. Since he's the main character, it would help the reader to get a better picture of him if we knew what his office was like.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Character development: Detective Jeffries is a crotchety old man, though he has a soft spot for kids that remind him of his grandson. He takes his job seriously and doesn't like to beat around the bush, and he's also been in his field so long that his daily tasks are starting to seem scripted, and he's bored with the repetition and the resistance he gets from everyone around him.

Estelle and Erin are greedy characters with not much to lose. I'm curious why Estelle got Erin to put the gun away just so she could poison Denny with the tea (is it because poisoning would have been much cleaner and less audible to the neighbors? or did SHE for some reason really want to be the one that killed her?) They're rather uncaring people, completely ignoring Denny's son, and NOT calling 911 when Denny died (was the mother under the impression that Denny had drunk some of the tea? That part wasn't clear to me.)

“I heard yelling, slamming, and I didn’t recognize their voices." This doesn't sound like something a seven year old would say. He would more likely say "I didn't know who it was" or something simple like that.

pointing at the grandmother and aunt he didn’t know. This scene is a little awkward. I'm not sure how Jeffries can extrapolate that the boy doesn't know his grandma and aunt just from what he'd witnessed in this scene.

He could tell the boy had been crying. This seems to go without saying. Of course he'd been crying--his mom just died. It would be remarkable if he HADN'T been crying. In my opinion, just sticking with His blue eyes were red and puffy; his little button nose ran. would be plenty.

The boy nodded as fresh alligator tears welled up. Why are they "alligator tears"? Are you trying to tie this back to the "like pulling teeth from an alligator comment" earlier, trying to say that the boy was not forthcoming with information?

He was sure a man was walking toward him. A little more detail would be helpful here. Was she largely built? Short hair? Did she have a masculine face?

When he saw the clueless look, Are the lowly cops in these kinds of stories really that dumb? (I really don't know--I'm asking.)

Here when the vic passed. Why are they referring to her as a victim if they didn't think she was murdered? (I may just be misinterpreting what they meant when they said "No apparent foul play".)

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

Style/grammar/spelling/punctuation: Another nice, polished piece. Just a few typos and comments:

Called in my by the son—

Her plain black dress was askew.

“Mom, quit. It’s his job, she’s in his hands. That sort of thing.” What does Erin mean by "that sort of thing"?

He couldn’t believe people sometimes. 40 Forty years on the force was wearing him thin.

Estelle said quickly white while Erin just scoffed at her.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

My favorite thing about this story: I really like the case of the dead lotto winner--it's a fun mystery, and you give it an interesting conclusion.

Overall: Another interesting story! I envy your ability to come up with complete plotlines. Plot is by far the weakest point in my writing. Your stories have a beginning, a middle, and an end. And after both of your stories I've read, I've felt gratified by the ending, like I'd just read something worth reading (hopefully that sounds as complimentary as I mean it to). Thanks again for sharing your work :)

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Title: "Love Me And Never Let Me Go" 

Author: Elise-Saiki-Vannessa-Scarlet

For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 
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Plot: AHHHH!!! I didn't realize this story wasn't finished when I started reading! CLIFFHANGER!!! Please write more soon :)

Anyway, this story is about a girl with a troubled past and an unusual family situation trying to make a new start for herself at a new school. She settles in and accidentally makes a friend, who introduces her to more friends. I was surprised that she actually told her new friends the truth about her family, since it caused her so much pain at her old school. I would have thought she'd be a little more hesitant to share details this time (however, it's a good thing she did, since it sounds like she'll be moving in with Derek's family.)

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

Scene: This story is all about characters--the plot and the setting aren't given nearly as much attention as your careful and loving description of the people who inhabit this story. I personally would MUCH rather read a story like this, with good characters rather than a complex plot or whatever, but perhaps a few more details of the setting would help the reader envision what's going on, and where the characters are acting out their parts. I'm especially curious because the story takes place a long way from where I live (it's happening in Australia, right?) I've never been there, so I'd love it if you could share some details about it :)

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star*

Character development: As I said, your characters are by far the best part of the story. Lucy is described as vulnerable yet tough enough to defend herself (because she HAS to be). She's reluctant to be close to people (which I can totally relate to, and so I love her!). She tries to set herself apart by dyeing her hair silver (she does dye it, right? That's what I gathered when Derek asked her about it and she said, "I like it.") But maybe as the story progresses she'll learn to let people near her a little more readily

Derek seems like a really nice guy. He stood up for her when the bullies came around, and he brought her into his group of friends without knowing very much about her. And he clearly comes from a good family, seeing as how his big sister volunteered to take Lucy in off the streets.

You introduce several other characters, and they all seem like they may play bigger roles in the coming chapters. Even though Derek's friends were only mentioned once, they each already have a distinct personality. Great job on that!

One comment on physical description: This story is told by Lucy. Sometimes, she mentions her own physical traits, like her hair and eye color. That seems unnatural to me. If I were telling a story to someone about what happened to me, I probably wouldn't mention that "my hazel eyes" burned with hostility. I'd just say "my eyes". It's definitely desirable to describe your characters so the reader can picture them, but maybe have those nasty boys comment on her hair and eyes instead of Lucy doing it herself?

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Style/grammar/spelling: This is such a technically well-written piece--that makes it so easy and enjoyable to read! As a reader, I thank you for having good grammar *Laugh*.

One question:

"Seems like I'm not the only one that's charmed." he remarked. I didn't hear his statement as I stared at my male classmates, confused. How does Lucy know what he said if she didn't hear him?

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Overall: I enjoyed reading this! I hope you plan to continue it. Your writing style is lovely--I will definitely be back to read more of your stories :)

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

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(review of a teen writer)
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Title: "The bud of the flower" 

Author: Euterpe

For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 
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Theme: This is a lovely poem about the true self hiding inside everyone, waiting for some catalyst to help it bloom!

Imagery: Beautiful images of smiling flowers, the countryside, sunlight, gardens... A wonderfully visual poem :)

Meter/rhyme/structure: This is a free verse poem, so there is no set meter or rhyme. I like how you divided up the lines--it has a really nice effect, like how "flower" is the beginning of several lines instead of the end of lines. I especially like the effect of this line:

As a bud blooms and becomes/a beautiful and full of colors/flower

Grammar/spelling/punctuation: Here are a few errors I spotted (at least, I THINK they're errors--you may have written them this way intentionally):

you will see many buds

flower when he is has molded

Overall: Great job on this! It's a really beautiful treatment of the the common image of a flower representing man's potential for growth and self-realization.

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

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(review of a teen writer)
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Review of Daddy's Gifts  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Title: "Daddy's Gifts" 

Author: Danielle N Thompson

For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 
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Plot: A woman gets a voicemail from her dying father. She resents him, so she doesn't respond, but continues living her regular life as if he didn't want to suddenly make amends for an entire childhood of horribleness. In an O. Henry-worthy twist, she ends up in the hospital in need of organ transplants. Her father redeems himself by giving her his organs in exchange for his already failing life. His letter to Jenny is very well written.

An eternity of moments flew by before Jenny felt ok again. This sounds like you're going to segue into a different day/week/month, but then the reader discovers it's still the same day, and she'd just got done listening to the message. I think it's the before Jenny felt ok again part--that makes it sound like she was going through a healing period, not just recomposing herself after an unexpected phone message.

She rushed over to the answering machine --As far as the reader knows, she never stopped standing by the answering machine after she pressed play, so this line confused me a bit.

jumped down, falling into the chairs How did Trubble Bubble (great name, by the way!) fall into some chairs?

The fact that Jenny is looking for a job kind of snuck up on me. Consider adding some hints that she's unemployed/in need of money before you mention applications or the phone call about the job interview. The "bare" room at the beginning does indicate that something is financially weird with her, but it's too early in the story for the reader to really associate the bareness with anything. Maybe when she walks into the room at the beginning of the story to check her messages, she could just be returning from an interview that didn't go so well?

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

Scene: There's not much setting detail, only mention that the room at the beginning is "small" and "bare". Some more description of her room and the hospital would help the reader fall fully into the story.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star*

Character development: We know Jenny is unemployed, not on good terms with her father, has a cat, likes pop and tequila sunrises, and possibly books since she applied at Borders, and she gets around by bike. Those are all great details that make her seem like a real person, but we don't get much of an opportunity to know her personality. She holds grudges (and rightly so), but that's all we know. Some more detail about who she IS would be helpful to the reader, in order to evoke sympathy.

The relationship between Jenny and her father is a classic you-were-never-there-for-me one. Jenny elucidates it through a flashback of the one time he actually gave her something (and that something wasn't very much at all.)

It hit Jenny & threw her 30 feet, destroying her red Schwinn & racing off. This is what an observer would have seen of the accident. However, this story is told from Jenny's point of view--describing the incident as SHE experienced it would be more interesting to the reader. For instance, there's no way she could have known she was thrown 30 feet.

“She’s a lucky woman,” the George Clooney-like doctor said. How is the doctor "like" George Clooney? Does he look like him (in which case, consider saying, "the George Clooney look-alike" or...what the heck was his character's name on ER? Would that be too vague of a reference?) Or is he like George Clooney in that he's just IMPERSONATING a doctor? Or is he just handsome like George Clooney, but doesn't really LOOK like him? This can be interpreted several ways.

When Jenny wakes up in the hospital and is talking to the doctor, how do Dr. Tony and Dr. Torres have such drastically different diagnoses?

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

Style/grammar/spelling/punctuation: A very polished story--I didn't notice any major errors. Just a few comments on word choice, etc:

Muttering to herself, she wiped up the mess & fixed another drink. She took a drink of the tequila sunrise as she stroked the Blue Russian, Two things-- One, it would read more smoothly if you said something like, "..., dumped the rest of the pop down the sink, and fixed a tequila sunrise instead." Two, I've always heard them called Russian blues, not blue Russians. I'm not sure if the latter is correct, and a quick Google search didn't help, but either way, I just thought I'd let you know what went through my mind when I read that part.

Her parents’ parents had divorced ages ago.

“Here,” he said, his voice deep & graveled... I got confused as to when this happened in the story. If it's part of Jenny's flashback, then it should be past perfect tense ("Here," he'd said...).

& tossed the glass in the sink, Consider reevaluating your word choice here--if she TOSSED a glass in the sink, wouldn't it shatter? ("Toss" does have a more casual meaning to it, an informal way to say "place", but I just thought it was weird to read "toss" and "glass" in the same sentence.)

Jenny hung up while jumping off out of her chair,

Here go, both your legs are broken What's the "Here go" mean? Is that just a typo?

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

My favorite thing about this story: The cat. I love cats. *Smile*

Overall: This is a good foundation for a very touching story. It's rather short, so assuming you aren't working within a word limit, you have lots of room to expand on what you have here. Developing the setting and Jenny's character a little more will help the reader become fully involved in the story and give the ending some real emotional punch.

Thanks for sharing this! Keep writing!!!

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

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Review of I Will Not Weep  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Title: "I Will Not Weep" 

Author: Lady H

For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 
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Plot: A woman visits her husband's grave, partly to gloat, partly just to talk to him, I think. She revisits some of the events that led them to where they were now, him dead and her a lot happier.

I love the part about the potted plant.

I got a little confused as to the timing of the events in the story. She mentions she's been on the run for awhile by way of apologizing for not visiting the grave sooner, but at the beginning of the monologue, she talks about the washing machine being broken, and it sounds like she had JUST tried to wash the blood out of his clothes and the carpet, and bought the rug, very recently. So I was wondering how long she'd been in Calais. And it sounds like she'll be needing to scram right away again, so it was just weird for me to think she'd been in her house before she visited the grave, still trying to finish cleaning up the mess. Wouldn't the cops have confiscated all the bloody stuff, and they probably would have cleaned the carpet and, depending on just how long it's been, sold the house by now?

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

Scene: People don't usually wax poetic about scenery while they're giving an impassioned speech at the grave of a man they'd just killed, so the relative sparseness of setting detail here is appropriate. You do give lots of other great details about things and people though (all the Christmas presents you mention, the narrator's perfume and her rival's; I'm still trying to guess what the ruby-red trophy is, and the more I think about it, the narrower my choices become.....*shudder*).

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Character development: The narrator is a woman driven by passion to do the unthinkable. She has just the right mixture of regret and self-justification to make her seem believable.

The husband is an ungrateful jerk who got what was coming to him (after all, what else could we think of him? We see him only through the eyes of the wife he mistreated for so many years!)

We even get a few details about the mistress, and we can put together a bit of a picture of her: not as sophisticated as the narrator, and much more fickle of heart.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Style/grammar/spelling: The speaking style is very natural throughout. I could totally envision a woman looming over her husband's grave, saying all this to him.

A few typos:

Free to do what every whatever I want!

There They're here for me

now you can serve me a bigger portion of triffle trifle

Perhaps your dead old mother, Do you mean "dear", perchance?

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

Overall: Awesome! This was both sad and fun to read, haha. I used to be in a speech performance league, and this piece could easily have been performed as a monologue in one of my competitions. It would have had the audience on the edge of their seats! Great job on this. There is nothing I would change, aside from maybe clarifying the timing thing I mentioned above (but who knows, the whole thing may just be an error in my perception.) I really enjoyed reading this :) Thanks for sharing!

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Title: "The prince on the white horse.....!" 

Author: Mysticsoul

For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 
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Theme: What a lovely dream of love! The prince on a white horse is such an archetype of a woman's fantasy that it carries with it a weight and an expectation.

Love is quite a common theme, but it's the way you treat it that makes this poem worth reading.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

Imagery: This poem evokes images of autumn, spring, dreamland, a perfect man, color, twilight, stars, beaches, moonlight... A wonderfully alive poem. You translate your theme to images, just like good poetry should :)

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Meter/rhyme/structure: This is a freeform poem with lots of assonance at the end of the lines, and within them. There's a beautiful flow to it. I suck at writing freeform poetry, so I'm envious of your skill!

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Grammar/spelling/punctuation: Just a few questions:

The prince on the white horse subsides. Does this mean he gets down off his horse?

His engaging gaze,/A million of words they say, "Gaze" is singular, so wouldn't it be "A million words it says"? But I can see why you'd want to have "say" instead of "says".

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

My favorite line: His sly hand of magic, and Drenched in colours of eternity

Overall: I'm usually not a huge fan of love poetry because it all ends up sounding the same to me--people use the same images over and over and over--but this was truly unique! I'm glad I got to read it!

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Title: "So much for a bittersweet ending..!" 

Author: Mysticsoul

For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 
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Plot: Under somewhat divine inspiration, a young girl decides to spill her soul to the object of her affections. It...doesn't go as she'd hoped, but she bounces back from the experience and moves on. :) It's a good-size plot for this size of a story.

The title is "So much for a bittersweet ending", which to me signifies that the ending ISN'T bittersweet. You know, like you'd say, "So much for a happy ending" if everything went wrong at the end? There's a sarcasm in "so much for..." phrases. But clearly this ending IS bittersweet. With your bright, lovely vocabulary (seriously, it's like a crayon box full of words!!!), I'm SURE you could come up with a clever, lovely title for this.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

Scene: Your colorful prose is one of the highlights of this piece. I could envision everything so clearly, from the midnight gleam to the boy's gracious smile, to the girl as she closed her lips unto a perfect pout! They're described with such a poetic carefulness :)

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Style/grammar/spelling: There's a lovely rhythm to your writing. The sentences display ever-changing structures, and no sentence is wasted. Some of the poetic/formal/reversed constructions (e.g. Broken hearted,did she feel for somedays,but,optimist she was) seem a little strained to me, but overall the effect is a good one. I like the rhymes and partial rhymes sprinkled throughout. It was just a lovely piece to read. I got a bit lost in the first sentence--it's kinda long--but it sounded so nice, I just kept on reading!

What are dynasties of time?

A few typos:

upon the skies sky's lapse was she running

But that's what a gal is supposed to say...!" I think this line is supposed to have a " before it--the girl is speaking this, right?

You use tempest night and calm waves in the same sentence. They're conflicting images--is that what you intend?

Did then the sunkissed sky,overshadowing the ballet of blue lit skies, The sky overshadowed the sky? I do like the idea of a sunny sky overshadowing something though--it's very poetic!

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

Overall: Thanks for sharing this. You have a way with words! Do you plan to expand this into a story? Keep writing!!! I wish there were lots more things in your port for me to read!!!

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

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Review of Cresco  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Title: "Cresco" 

Author: Francis Willem

For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 
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Theme: What a hugely vast poem! I love how it ties all of humanity together in its use of "we", etc. People look for purpose in life in so many ways, and sometimes they try to force order onto an ultimately chaotic system (Provoke evolutionary remodeling/With insatiable blood lust).

Imagery: This poem is largely abstract, but it does evoke images of the sky and stars, which adds to the vastness of it.

Meter/rhyme/structure: The villanelle format works so well for your theme. You effortlessly follow the format--nowhere does it seem forced. And from what I know of the villanelle format (two alternating refrains, etc), you've correctly executed it.

Grammar/spelling: I noticed one typo:

The limits of the souls soul's crust

I would also question the use of the semi-colon in the line We look for purpose; ever evolving , but hey, it's poetry.

Favorite line: It's really hard to pick one--I love the whole thing. But In a universe ever expanding is such a resounding refrain--I have a feeling I'll still be thinking about it weeks from now.

Overall: Thanks for sharing this poem! I'm so glad I stumbled upon it. I have one final question: can you explain the title? From googling "Cresco", I know it's a town in Iowa...are you trying to relate a small midwestern town to the everlasting quest for humanity to find purpose in an ever expanding cosmos?

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

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Review of Comic book logic  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Title: "Comic book logic" 

Author: Krissi

For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 
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Theme: The title of this piece caught my attention. I love comic book stuff, and I was anxious to see how you would weave an analogy between the comic book world and ours.
I interpret this as a persuasive essay. You have a point of view, and you're trying to write it out so that other people can evaluate the idea and see if they agree. But perhaps you're not trying to be persuasive, just trying to put your opinion out there. So, I apologize if I misinterpreted the point of this essay-- just ignore any comments that don't apply to your actual intent *Laugh*.

You draw parallels between comic book superheroes, supervillains, and ineffectual cops to their supposed counterparts in the real world. However, as I'll elaborate on below, your argument lacks any specific examples. All the reader has to go on is the basic structure of your argument, and what if they have a very different frame of reference than you have? I'm also not precisely sure what your conclusion is. You hint that the world may or may not be ready for superheroes, but why wouldn't they be? I'm not sure you made that clear to me.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Referencing: The one thing this essay is missing is concrete examples. There aren't any specifics at all, either about our world or the comic book one. This leaves your main point rather unrelatable-to and unsupported. I would like to read an example of incompetent cops in a comic book. I know they're rampant, but most people won't relate to the analogy unless there's an example. And what about an example of the government trying to help but failing? As it is now, you're just telling your point of view (which is fine, but if it's supposed to be read and understood by other people--which I assume it is, since you requested reviews on it--then it needs to establish some basis of understanding through examples.)

Also, near the beginning, you choose an example city--Washington DC. But then you never mention it again. I was thinking you were going to use DC as your model in your argument, but you never refer back to it. So why "choose" a city at all in that case? I DO think you should tie the city back into the story--have hypothetical superheroes acting out your points while chasing bad guys through the National Mall, or something. Something people can relate to.

Even the first two sentences about black/whiteness could use a concrete example, I felt like. What kinds of things are you talking about there? Sure, I can infer what you mean to an extent, but in order to set up an argument/comparison, the reader needs to have a solid understanding of where YOU'RE coming from as the writer.

Now we have us, the helpless, dependent, ordinary losers that can’t seem to do anything but cry for help every time something goes haywire (and yes I am included in this and so are you). Some people--for example, the people who are actually working to effect change in the world--might find this line rather presumptuous (not me, of course--I've never effected a bit of change in my entire life).

Now for the main plot we need three things, the hero, the villain, and the stupid cops that always seem to make things worse. These are the CHARACTERS, but you never actually give us a plot.

The Green Lantern: You refer to the Green Lantern as a villain. But isn't the Green Lantern a hero more often than a villain? I'm just curious why you chose to reference him/them out of all the supervillains in comic literature.

greedy ‘civilians’ What do the quotes mean around "civilians"?

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star*

Persuasion: Your argument could bear more development. I like the theme a lot, but I walked away from reading it feeling like I hadn't really gained anything from it.

Take certain politicians, greedy ‘civilians’, a lazy, uncaring country, and throw in some bad conditions like hunger or drought. There you go, instant super villains. I am not persuaded by this at all. Supervillians are a conscious, deliberate force of evil. In comic books, like you implied in the first few sentences, there is no gray area--evil is evil. The villains may not think they're doing evil, but they're driven by power and selfishness to do the morally unthinkable. Can you elucidate how the real-world things you mentioned are a conscious force of evil in the world? (Politicians will probably be the easiest one, haha.) I believe you have a valid point to make here--all you need to do is clarify.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star*

Style/grammar/spelling/punctuation: From what you wrote on the Request Reviews page, I was prepared for a grammatical TRAIN WRECK, but I was pleasantly surprised! This piece is quite polished in terms of grammar, spelling, punctuation. My one suggestion would be to consider splitting this into several paragraphs based on subtopic.

Now, I know what this all sounds like. ...WHAT does this all sound like?

However, I am not saying that I want someone to overthrow the government and America to have a dictator. So, you let us know what you're NOT saying, but you don't mention what you ARE trying to say.

When all of you are crying to your government to save you, praying for a hero, just remember what you’re asking for, and ask yourself, are you really ready for a super hero? First of all, toward the beginning of the essay, you were including yourself in your argument. Now you're saying "you" instead of "us". Is that just an editorial oversight? Second, I do not understand, in the context of this essay, what it means to be "ready for a superhero". It seems like a really random conclusion to what you'd been talking about.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

Overall: This idea has room for development, and I really think you should take the time to develop it. It's a valid theme. It's a colorful analogy using a popular concept--a perfect way to get people talking about the weaknesses of the world. I hope you choose to keep working on this.

Thanks for sharing!

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Halfstar*

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Review of Evolution of Eras  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Title: "Evolution of Eras" 

Author: Froggy

For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 
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Wow, this piece is just dripping with honesty. I really enjoyed it. What an engaging journey through a life, with the image of a grenade between two people uniting everything together. (I just love that grenade metaphor!) I often think about how my mindset has changed since I was younger. This piece presents that mental shift in a really evocative way. Your prose is wonderful--such easy flow, and it's funny and bittersweet and sad, and it all works together to create something truly meaningful.

Again, it was truly a pleasure to read.


Thanks for sharing this! Keep writing!


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Rated: E | (3.0)
Title: "Movers (uncut version)" 

Author: jadelette

For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 
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Plot: Lots of action and suspense, and good pacing! I was thoroughly engaged throughout the story. And a nice twist concerning the Movers.

Some questions:

A day was an ancient measure of time, before the sun was lost. Until I read this line, I thought this story was happening in the past, in the American Old West or something (though it would have been an alternate history of some sort, since the cities had walls). But when I read this, I realized I was way off. It was a little incongruous for me. Would you consider adding one or two details earlier in the story to establish the time/place/special circumstances of this world a little more solidly so this line doesn't sneak up on the reader so much? Right now, the ox-hide caravan, the road bandits, and the walled city are the only details the reader has to work with up front, and those really made me think American West. Maybe just have Lena look at the ticker earlier on. Or mention the total absence of the sun. You do establish that it was dark outside, but I thought that was just because of the storm.

This made no sense, only the bandits lived in the waste and they never survived in bands more than ten or twenty. I'm not sure this fact is self-evident to me. Why would the bandits not survive in bigger groups? (This is probably just my own ignorance, so if you could explain it to me, I'd be grateful.)

I'm not sure I understand why the people of the city saved Lena. Why wouldn't they just give her to the movers too?

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Scene: Great description of the storm at the beginning. great, stinging, filthy raindrops and deranged wind and the swirling, screaming madness--awesome! It really gave the story a tangible atmosphere.

Also good description of the room she wakes up in, and the view from the balcony sticking out of the city wall. I also like the details about the timekeeping method in this world. Very atmospheric.

Would you consider giving the city a name?

If the sun is gone, how does Lena see anything out the window of the room she wakes up in? (Am I misunderstanding what "the sun was lost" means?)

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

Character development: Lena is traveling in a caravan with some other people, trying to get to a city, presumably to trade? We don't learn very much about her as a character. What's her background? How old is she? What does she look like? What kind of personality does she have? What is she trading? Where does she come from? All we learn is that she's traveling with her father (by the way, is there a reason you kept that fact hidden until the end? I'm just curious. It made a bit of an emotional impact on me when I read it, but I also wondered what it had to do with anything.) We also know she's educated (she knows what Tuesday is) and somewhat spiritual and traditional, wanting to bury the dead and perform a spoken ritual for them. A little more detail about her would make her seem more real to the reader.

The only other main character in the book is the old man, and I have some questions there:
“Thee'r safe nar,” he replied. “T'were me boy't found ye, a'er t' squall. Looks like yer 'van got took by 'em bandits; must'a missed a speck like ye in that wild wea'er.” I really like how you gave this man an accent, but I highlighted the words that I had a really hard time deciphering and I found them more distracting than anything else. Maybe consider toning down the colloquialism a little bit, just for the sake of the reader.

In contrast: “Arr, bes' not be worryin' ye'self o'er them, gone to the Lor', they be. Ye on yer own nar. Movers come on Tuesday, ye'll no be seein' 'em agin.” This bit is perfect!

Ok, one more bit that I can't seem to decipher: If yer pas' it, ye can't be kept;. If you have a minute, can you tell me what that one means?

We've no room fr'em ere though n it keeps 'em things from comin' in. Ok, I understand the words in this one, but I don't understand what he means. There's no room for who in the city so it keeps who from coming in?

Brunt is described in admiring detail, but as a character he is more just a motivating factor for Lena. I personally think it would be nice to know a bit about Lena's past adventures with Brunt, as a way to round out Lena's character.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Halfstar*

Style/grammar/spelling:

As the Gods threw another mighty bolt and it tore across the inky sky, throwing the barren, rocky desert around them into sharp relief--Lena saw that they were lost. I had to read this sentence a few times before it made sense in my head. I kept thinking the "they" referred to the Gods. It's also a rather long sentence--would you consider breaking it up so it flows a little better? I like the contents, I just had a hard time reading it (it was also pretty early in the morning when I read it, so that probably contributed to my fogginess, haha.)

The paragraph that starts with She turned her head... has a lot of sentences with "as" in them. Maybe consider varying the sentence structure a little more (in the rest of the story, you did a great job with that.) As for "as" specifically, I've been told by many teachers and mentors to avoid using "as" constructions as much as possible. It tends to cause confusion or lead to weird paradoxes (i.e., there are some things that just can't happen simultaneously,) and it tends to make one's writing wordier than it needs to be. (I struggle with wordiness, as if you didn't notice from reading my story *Laugh*, so I'm really focused right now on learning methods of saying MORE using LESS words in my own writing. Obviously that state of mind spills over to my reviews as well...)

There was a deafening crack as it struck the walls and a huge chunk of stone was torn free. She didn't see it though. This was one instance of me being confused by the use of "as". Since this story is told from Lena's POV, I wondered how she knew a piece of the wall had broken off if she hadn't seen it. She must have heard it, right? She heard the crack of the lightning/thunder, but I wasn't sure if the sound was also associated with the cracking of the wall itself. (I know, it seems like a really trivial thing, but I thought it was worth mentioning in the interest of strengthening your prose a fraction of a percent.)

Also in the above sentence, ...a huge chunk of stone was torn free is passive. Again in the interest of strengthening your prose, try changing it to active voice. For example, "...a huge chunk of stone broke/tore/split/snapped free."

His grin never faltered, even as the huge rock crashed down, shattering the perch. I'm a bit confused about the action here--how did the chunk of wall not crush Lena to death if she was sitting in the perch? I was also confused as to the size of the rock, I guess, because I figured it would be big enough crush the oxen too. And unless I'm just confused about the design of the caravan, it was REALLY lucky for the oxen that the rock fell directly onto the perch but somehow missed them (and did it crush the cargo space of the caravan, or JUST the perch?)

he said, as he shuffled out. This is an example of an "as" that's easy to get rid of-- "...he said, shuffling out."

For once she is glad of her schooling in the old tongue. Typo-- "is"="was"

...were piling up the cities city's dead on stretchers.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Halfstar*

Overall: There's a book called Atherton by Patrick Carman (have you read/heard of it?), and there are huge carnivorous bugs in it called "Cleaners". I picked this story to read because "Movers" totally reminded me of "Cleaners"--they're both totally innocuous terms for really scary things!

This is a great foundation for what could potentially be a really rich, complex story. I hope you plan to build on it. I'd like to read more about this world and get to know the characters better. Please let me know if you post any revisions/additions!

Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!!!

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

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Review of To Carve from Man  
Rated: E | (3.0)
For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 


I have several questions about this poem. First of all, I really like the title because of the image it evokes. The poem itself contains a few strong images (Stripped and bleeding, Whilst worn feet tread the mill).

You use a set rhyme scheme, and a meter that varies slightly from line to line. The flow is nice throughout the poem, but Whilst worn feet tread the mill tripped me up a bit. Feels like that line is missing a syllable.

Ok, questions:

Can you tell me why is Night capitalized?

I'm really bad at analyzing poetry, so I'm not sure I understand the last line (though I love how it sounds!) I'd appreciate it if you could explain to me what you mean there. From the rest of the poem, I'm getting a sense of doing work, and being molded into something unwanted (I suppose by that "national desire" thing in the penultimate line). I guess I'm just generally confused about the theme of the poem. I'd really like to hear your interpretation, if you have a moment.

Sorry, this really isn't a very insightful review. But I'm sending it anyway because it's an honest reader's opinion, and I hope that's worth at least something :)

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Review of Peculiar brawl  
Rated: E | (4.0)
For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 

Nice! I especially like the last few lines, of course :) But I can totally relate to the entire theme of the poem, love vs. logic, and how, in order for us be happy, the two must settle into a happy coexistence.

The rhyme scheme works very well in this poem. The rhythm is a bit jumpy though--below, I'll point out the lines that tripped me up a bit.

A few quibbling trifles:

Are you really attached to the title? I feel like you could come up with a more creative one (judging from your skill at writing the poem). That's just me though--the title you have is totally fine, of course.

that you and me I got in a fight - (I actually like how it sounds with "me" in there, but considering who's doing the "talking" here, I figure proper grammar would be appropriate.)

Parts that threw me out of the rhythm of the poem, and (rather poor) suggestions for fixing them:

the one that was like never before

that eventually soon you lulled me into sleep.

And common sense is much better - indeed! (too many syllables at the end--consider replacing "much better" with something shorter, like "best")

Love will hurt - but thinking thoughts will not,

It turned into a fight which was so bad

Anyway, points for creativity! I really enjoyed reading this. Let me know if you make any revisions to it! Thanks for sharing :)


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Rated: E | (4.0)
I love Alice in Wonderland, so of course I had to read this, and it did not let me down! What a wonderful subject for a poem. I never considered the hatter to be "husband" material, so I never even thought to wonder what his wife would be like. You give her such a whimsical voice--she'd fit right in with the rest of the AiW cast of characters (though she does know about mercury poisoning, so one wonders where and when she's really from...)

I have some questions:

1) Who is the hatter's wife talking to? She says And let me tell you something, ladies -- is she just sitting around having tea with her friends?

2) The poem indicates that Alice is the cause of the hatter's wife's madness. But then it says She is not the one at fault. and goes on to implicate the mad hatter again, though at the beginning she said it wasn't him. Is it supposed to be confusing like that, or am I misinterpreting something?

Typos:
They The glue from the hats
That rabbits rabbit's stupid creation.

Favorite lines:
She is a sweet pest, a little blight,
An adorable bother.

The mercury in dangerous excess.
No excuse.


Thanks for sharing!

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Review of The ER Shift  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow. I was almost bawling by the end of this story. Beautifully written. All the technical details really make the story come to life, and the imagery (especially of the poor little kid) is so vivid. And the emotions of the protagonist come through really strong. Really great job. Thanks for sharing this.

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50
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Title: "Infinite: Best Piercing Joint" 

Author: Future Mrs. B

For information on how I rate the things I read, see "How Should I Rate Items on Writing.Com?" 
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I don't usually review nonfiction (especially reviews), so if these categories sound made up, it's 'cuz they are *Laugh*:

Structure: Way to use the in medias res intro - it works great here. It makes the reader think, "Ok, she actually got TO the piercing table, so the condition of this place didn't make her run out the door at first glance. But from here, does she have a bad experience or a good one? Must keep reading!!!"

I like the description of your personal experience. That's exactly the kind of thing a good review is made of.

In the story of your personal experience, you seem to skip right over the actual piercing part. You go from sitting on the table, to having the intended piercing spot placed, to “You’re a warhorse. You were so easy to pierce." I felt like I missed something. You do describe what it felt like, AFTERWARD, but consider just changing the order, so you describe the piercing as it happens. Otherwise, it seems like you jump right over the entire climax of the story!

The ending paragraph reiterates your feelings about the place, and provides some extra info (which maybe you'd consider putting into the story part of the review--namely, the post-piercing biohazard waste handling--it seems a little random in that last paragraph).

You imply near the end that you've been to this piercing parlor multiple times. Consider mentioning toward the beginning that the experience you're describing is your FIRST experience at Infinite (assume it was).

You mention that this place is clean, which is very important. Would you consider adding a few more details about the decor? Is it light or dark inside, curtains over the windows, posters on the walls, anything like that? As a reader who would actually consider going to this place, I'm curious about what it looks like inside (ok, I just went to their website 'cuz I was that curious--they don't have any pictures of the shop, but man, the website is super classy! I love it!).

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

Information/Helpfulness: As I've already told you, you have provided enough information here to convince me to go get a piercing here. However, as we already discussed, there is a lack of negative comments, which makes the reader wonder, "Hm...did an Infinite employee write this?" Of course, since you like the place, you're not going to give a TON of bad info, but even a simple phrase like, "As any other place, the piercers have good days and bad days, but personally, all my experiences here have been positive ones" would help the reader trust the review a bit more.

She begins to make a copy and I am handed a form I must sign before I get pierced. What kind of information was in the form? Did it make you feel like you were putting your life in their hands, or was it worded professionally and reasonably? When I read this, I just felt like I wanted more information.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

Audience relatability: From what you've told me, this piece is meant for a wide audience, so I took that into consideration as I read.

“And when they play hail to the chief,” I am embarrassed to admit my ignorance here. I had to look up John Fogerty and these lyrics, and while I am greatly ashamed at my ignorance of rock history, I'm sure that a lot of younger people who read this review will have to look these CCR references up as well. Consider casually describing these references a little more concretely, for the sake of us grossly uninformed people?

I also had to look up where a rook piercing goes (it's really cool looking! Did it really not hurt that much? Cuz I want one.) If this is a review intended for a wide audience, could you try to describe where this piercing goes? ("fold of the ear cartilage," or "antihelix" if you wanna be super anatomical--I'm sure you could come up with something much better than either of those, haha.)

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

Style/grammar/spelling:

2nd paragraph:
--First sentence has two phrases starting with "after". Consider rewording.
--(my friend used to be an APP Piercer and pierced me in 2009, hence why I usually go for artists that were trained). I'm not sure this thought is self-evident. This person was your friend, but it's not known to the reader that you had a GOOD piercing experience with this person, and the fact that he/she USED to be an APP piercer makes one wonder why he/she isn't anymore. Consider rewording to make your intended thought come through more strongly.
--This paragraph contains a lot of good information, but it's a bit jumbled. It seems to be divided into sentences rather arbitrarily. Also, this paragraph supports two separate subjects: one is WHY you sought this place out in the first place (which also includes your credentials as to why you're qualified to write this review in the first place--a very important part of this piece, and it deserves its own paragraph), the other is the history and significance of the place. Consider rearranging/splitting this paragraph so that the ideas are grouped in a more natural way.

Opening the door, it’s still locked... Can't open a locked door! Also, it's sort of a circular sentence--by strict grammar rules, it's sort of saying that the door tried to open itself, since "Opening the door" is modifying "it", which is the door. Consider rewording.

...a guy with tattooed sleeves, thick gauged ears, a beard and glasses opens the door for me. As a reader, I really appreciate the physical details. They help me visualize the place and the personnel. But i feel like this description has one too many things in it--consider maybe taking out "beard" or "glasses", and maybe mentioning it later on, in the part where you interact with this guy again.

“May I help you,?” a blonde haired girl asks as she directs me toward the counter that houses the body jewelry.

“Yeah, I’d like a rook piercing,” I reply so quietly that I have to repeat myself. (Aside from the typo, I'm also wondering why you spoke so quietly (well, there are many reasons people speak softly--I guess what I'm wondering is why you decided to include this detail). Were you afraid? I didn't get fear or apprehension from you anywhere else in the whole piece! (ok, once a few lines down, you ask something "nervously". But other than that...)

As I finish signing the form, I nervously say and then ask...

It is nice to meet the kindly gentleman that opened and greeted me.

I am lead led , with camera in hand...

I sit back down and am told to breathe in and exhale through my nose. Passive voice. Consider changing to active ("Kyle told me to...")

Kyle tells me when the rook is placed in my snuggly in my ear.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

Overall: This review does exactly what it's supposed to--it makes me want to visit this establishment. It could use a good proofread (I tried to point out all the typos and stuff that I found, but I may have missed some) and maybe a few more descriptive details. And just make sure you're writing to your intended audience, and that you're focusing on the important things. Make sure you haven't mentioned anything that you don't think is truly important to your main theme.

Again, thanks for sharing, and I hope you're able to put together a lot of these reviews! They're very handy! In fact, once you're done with Philadelphia, can you please come do San Francisco? *Bigsmile*

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

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