I just got done reading your poem, and I must say there were some parts of it that I really liked. You do a wonderful job of inserting emotion into the lines. There were a few parts that I found particularly moving. I really liked this couplet: "She's crazy and he's lazy. Both have plenty of advice." I think you captured a real piece of truth about the world here - it doesn't matter how messed up people are themselves, often they are still quick to judge someone else. I also really liked the ending. There's something very metaphorical about having your own poem end with the words 'dead ends'.
There were a few things that I noticed could use improvement - mostly little grammatical/spelling errors. If you clean these up it will help your poem seem much more professional.
In your item description you wrote, "Sometimes everybodys out to get you". This should either be 'everybody is' or 'everbody's'.
Does that qurky bitch want to start a fight? I think you meant to say 'quirky'.
It's absolutley gay. You switched the 'L' and the 'E' in the word 'absolutely'.
Hopes and dreams uselessley sewn Get rid of the last 'E' in 'uselessly'.
And my final suggestion would be to go through you poem and try to insert proper punctuation throughout just as if you were writing prose. Even though this is poetry, you still need proper punctuation in order for it to read properly.
If you have any questions, or would like me to offer specific grammar suggestions feel free to ask, as grammar is a talent of mine. I would be happy to help you in any way I can.
I hope you find these comments useful. You seem to have a natural talent for poetry; you should definitely keep writing. Welcome to WDC!
~Ali
Hello! I just got done reading 'Genie' and I wanted to give you a little feedback.
You have an interesting plot here. I loved how the story is told from the Genie's perspective instead, of the Master's perspective, which is more typical of this type of story.
It was great to read about what the Genie's life was like inside the lamp. I really liked your description of how the weather outside sounded inside the lamp.
I also liked the way you used description and dialogue to develop the character of the Genie's master. There was one thing that I was a little bit confused about though - I didn't really understand why the Master wanted to go to the birthday party. Was he the child's father?
I also felt like the ending of the story was a little bit rushed. Did the genie turn the mother into a birthday cake just because he was surprised? I assume he wasn't going to turn the kid into a birthday cake, he was just going to give the kid a birthday cake, but this wasn't totally clear. Your finale takes place in three short paragraphs, and I think if you added more detail and paced it slower, it would make it easier to understand, and more interesting to the reader.
Besides that you have a fun little story here. Nice work!
I noticed a few small grammatical/spelling errors, which I noted below:
I’ve forgotten how long have I been trapped there. Change to "how long I have been..."
I looked, and saw what seemed to me ‘fancy clothes. Close the quote around fancy clothes, e.g. 'fancy clothes'
"I want new cloths in this years fashion.”Clothes has an 'e' in it, and year's needs an apostrophe to make it possessive.
“Now, I want you to transport me to this kid’s birthday party Add a period and another quotation mark at the end of the sentence.
There was nothing to pull be back into my prison. Be should be me.
I hope you find this review helpful. Use the parts that are, and ignore anything that isn't. If you have any questions feel free to ask. With a little bit of editing I think you'll have a great story here. Keep writing!
~Ali
What a great story! I love how you slowly reveal the fact that the main character is a guinea pig to the reader. At first I thought it was a person, then I thought it was a puppy, and finally I realized that it was a guinea pig. I also liked the way you portrayed the pet owners through the pet's mind.
You might want to give it a re-edit, because I definitely found a few places with typos, and dropped words. Occasionally I found your choice of words a little bit confusing as well. With a little bit of work, I think this could read more smoothly, and then your reader will be able to focus all of their attention on your unique story.
Hope this is useful to you, if not ignore it! :)
~Ali
I absolutely loved this. Beautiful story. I loved how perfectly you captured the Grandmother's way of speaking as she tells her story. I only noticed one little thing:
"She cleared her throat and began rocking to a fro in her bent willow chair."I think the phrase is 'to and fro'.
Thanks for a great read!
~Ali
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