This is a great little story and obviously a subject you know a lot about. I'm guessing it is at least partly auto-biographical! I've been through it twice I found absolutely nothing in the way of grammar or spelling that should be altered - and believe me, there aren't that many pieces I've reviewed here that haven't had one or two.
The only thing I might look at is the pacing. You have a great twist at the end, but getting there takes a long time. If you look at the key elements of the story: getting the job, making the blooper, getting a last minute reprieve, I think it could be done without the wordiness. Just have a go. See if you can cut out 500 words. You can always put them back in if you don't like it.
I really like the imagery you have used here, of nature and then man's impact on nature. Of rock and water and water and rock as a cycle. Very good work. I really like the repetition of the last line of each stanza as the beginning of the next; it makes the impact that much more.
I think though, in the first line of the second verse you mean "moisture" not "noisture"!
It must be hard to write about something so personal and painful. You've done well to do this. I think I would have liked to have seen the lines structured a little differently. I'm no poetry expert, but I think it would be more powerful if you ended the lies where you have put commas and then started new lines after the commas.
This is an interesting piece with some quite original ideas. I enjoyed reading it, even laughed out loud a couple of times. There are a number of errors though, firstly in the title which should be Purgatory's Waiting Room if you are referring to only one purgatory (which I assume you are)! Some of your sentences are over-long and the number of ideas in each one makes them difficult to read and understand. Short, simple sentences are nothing to be afraid of.
I have noted a few more things below that will help.
above all quietI would put a comma before "quiet' gray green color. The color gray-green color; the color... This is the perfect place to use a semi-colon. in the room some you need a comma before "some" music each song you need a comma before "each" there is the should be "there are the..." if there are more than one of them. a therapy sessions either "a therapy session" or just "therapy sessions"
Given the EXTREME shortness of this piece, you have managed to give a lot of information. There is so much that can be read between what you have actually written, making it seem like a much longer story than it actually is.
The only thing I might change would be the line "long since split from the family". The word "split" doesn't seem quite right in the context and tone of the piece.
This is good. There is some excellent description and although we have no idea really what is going on, this is a well written vignette. I will be interested to see where it goes (or comes from). I was a little distracted by the spelling for Micheal's name though. Was it supposed to be Michael?
And here are a few little copy-editing notes to help you out.
Micheal we quick to regain do you mean "was" quick to... unsure of what unsure what. You don't need the "of" The tears o his tears on his...
This could do with being expanded a little. It's very short and I'm sure there is a lot more detail you could go into. It's not a terribly original idea, so you need to make your take on it original.
Here are a couple of notes on how to improve what you already have. Hope they help!
open eyed on the floor. He was slightly breathing. open-eyed on the floor. He was still breathing slightly. 15 inch butcher knife, that was a wedding get rid of the "that was". Sentence reads better without it.
This is a very interesting piece. You clearly know a lot about the subject. It is sad to know that women are still so marginalized in so many societies. But it is also gratfying to see that some have the strength and will to get out of there and make a better life for their daughters.
The writing style is quite stilted in places and I feel that you over-use semi-colons (something I have been known to do too. Aren't they just the most useful punctuation marks?). There are also quite a few grammatical and spelling errors which I have marked for you below.
Hope this helps! It's a good piece and I know you can make it even better!
like the bindi in should be "bindi on" perhaps, this water you don't need the comma after "perhaps" it dissipated just as suddenjust as suddenly This means This meant by her by herself But everything has a first. "But there is a first time for everything." would be the usual way to say this. Out of excitation Out of fear. Out of excitement. Out of fear. She didn’t even know where it was exactly found.She didn't even know exactly where it was. every fiver in every fibre decked-up decked-out get to bed go to bed inexistent, non-existent
There is some nice description in this piece. I especially like the leaf imagery. I just wasn't overly fond of the style. I think you need to shorten or divide up a lot of the sentences differently to make them easier to read. You have a lot of ideas running through some sentences and to make them easier to grasp it would be good to have them seperated.
This is very good! And you did very well to tell such a complete story in so few words. Very economical! It reminds me a little of some of those rather macabre Roald Dahl short stories in that it is told in a very matter of fact way but had a nasty little twist at the end.
I didn't even find any spelling or grammar errors, and that is pretty unusual for me!
Good story with some very nice descriptions particularly in the early part. I like the twist at the end although I'm not 100% what got her. It might be nice to have Amber dripping as she collects the shoes on the bank, but I'm not sure if this is what you are implying.
I found a couple of errors that could be fixed.
fog," She if you end the sentence in the quotation marks with a comma, you don't need to capitalize "she" after them. I could have just I think the sentence flows better without "have" Amber had been one of the only campers at Eastwick to accept me without judgement. While the other campers ignored me or made fun of me, Amber was quick to defend me, or at least divert the attention away from me. the word "me" is repeated 5 times in this short section-too much. You don't need all of them. Try: "ignored or made fun of me" to lose one of them at least. perfectly," She saidonce again a capital after a comma inside quotation marks. amber Amber needs a capital letter
Your mother certainly sounds like a character! I'm sure that you will be able to mine her eccentricities in your writing for years to come! I like your easy, conversational style in this piece. It is like having a friend tell you a story over a coffee.
Only found one glaring mistake although there were a few places that I felt commas could have been used....
Nice rhythm and rhyme scheme. I love rhyming "rattle" and "cattle". Nothing terribly original here though; I'd like to see something new, something I don't already know about cowboys. A surprise, or something that makes this particular cowboy different. Why did you pick him to write about? What made him stand out from the crowd? Don't just use stereotypes, give them character!
I really like the rhythm of this piece. The descriptions are vivid and the choices of words evocative. It is quite an emotive piece that leaves the reader with a real sense of unease. The only thing I would change is the stuff in brackets. I don't like how many there are and in one place you have two bracketed phrases in a row. Rather than the brackets, maybe use itallics or hyphens. The brackets are rather distracting and take away from the flow of the writing. Which is very beautiful.
Really like the first two lines of this. You have no idea where the poem might be going from there. But the rest of it didn't really do it for me. It is very emotive subject matter, but it didn't elicit any emotional response from me. And I've had someone very close to me take his life, so would expect to be moved by something like this.
I think maybe it needs a little more of YOU in it. You have written about what her state of mind may have been, but because it is one step removed, there is not the emotional immediacy that is needed. Maybe try adding a few bits about what she DID do for you as a kid, how that made you feel.
Good story. I enjoyed it and I didn't even find any mistakes which is pretty unusual for me! I would suggest possibly starting less sentences with "she". It gets a little repeditive but I know it is difficult to do sometimes.
Also, I really like the line about "nature rendered speechless" but would lose the "as if" bit. Sometimes it is better not to use a similie; it makes the writing stronger.
A very interesting concept but I don't really feel you have done with it all you could have. The writing is quite stilted and doesn't really flow well somwhow. I had to re-read several sentences to get the meaning and some of the wording and word order feels odd. There are also several places you should have used a hyphen: "life-shortening ailments", "air-tight"' "all-vitamin cake" etc.
I think you have a great idea here, but it needs some work! Let me know if you re-work it as I would be fascinated to read whatever you decide to do with this elderly gent....
This is very amusing! I do a lot of interviewing and somebody like this would either drive me insane or make my day, depending on the mood I was in. But you've got to appreciate his honesty! I mean really, who doesn't work for the paycheck? I know I wouldn't be here if I had an alternative means to keep my family.
The dialogue is natural and Charles' unusual speech pattern is captured nicely. I found only one little error which I have marked below.
normal: All you don't need a capital letter after a colon.
This feels like a beginning to something, an introduction rather than a fully formed story. The reader is left with a lot of questions. There is some nice imagery here (I especially like the house having more history than a textbook), and like Elena's discomfort with the idea of asking her neighbour to teach her drums, even though she wants to learn.
I think this could be a very promising opening to a longer story or novel. I want to know what happened in Elena's family and this doesn't satisfy that.
Wow! You really saw a ghost? That is a pretty incredible experience. I imagine it was something that has taken you quite a long time to write about. It's pretty freaky stuff and even if you saw it, it would be hard to believe it was real. I liked the description of the jeep and how junky it was, even after you did the work on it. I got a really good picture in my mind of what it looked like.
If I were you I would go through this again, maybe read it out loud. Some of your sentences are long, with a lot of ideas strung together with commas. I think it would read better if some of these were separate sentences or joined together with words like 'and'.
For example, your first line When I was in High School, I wanted a car, having no money and parents that didn't believe in buying me a car I got a job.I think a punchier beginning might be: "When I was in high school I wanted a car. Having no money and parents who...
As I emerged I heard a lot of cheering, I looked around, there were about 6 other cars parked along the side of the street, everyone was out of their vehicles and looking at me Again, it would probably be more effective as two sentences :"As I emerged I heard a lot of cheering. I looked...." And in this kind of writing I think you need to use the word "six" rather than "6".
But these are small niggles. Overall I like this piece very much.
Keep writing!
x V14
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/vampyr14/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.43 seconds at 3:03pm on Apr 25, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
