I went through your writing. Firstly, let me share the positives I felt in your story.
A clap for taking this bold content and your way of making the readers visualize with your words is notable. I could run those scenes in my mind when I was reading, and that happened effortlessly.
The phrase, "Exchanged nods with her" is still in my mind, and that stylish thought impacts me well. This story of yours inspires and helps me to develop a skill of lively writing, writing that brings scenes alive.
And regarding the corrections and improvements, I would suggest the following:
1. I think that You are trying to use all the complex English words you know, into your story. Few might have misguided you like that. Simple words are fair enough and let Non-English readers feel the taste of your writings. If not this Kaiba's story, your upcoming papers should be celebrated by kids also all over the world and so I would suggest you use more straightforward diction.
2. In a few places, I noticed some tense mistakes and punctuations. After writing a section, if you read yours, you can rectify some errors. Even I am bad in that. Writers usually don't revise their works. But we have to. :)
Keep proceeding! My support will be there in your long journey!