There is a simple clarity in this piece that really struck me as awesome. After reading it over several times, I have to say I admire your ability to hone a theme down to the most direct expressive phrase to get the point across. I am absolutely in awe of this piece, and am headed to the rest of your portfolio now. Excellent!
Great piece. Very descriptive, and quite enjoyable. The very last line seemed off to me for some reason, but I can't really decide how I would change it. I believe the formality with which they are conversing didn't lend itself to the last line of dialogue for some reason. Perhaps something along the line of "we must present our tails to one another first." or something like that. That would get the message across and still fit in with the formality of their exchange. Or perhaps there wouldn't need to be dialogue at all after: "Well, of course," but instead a description of her approaching him nose to tail and lifting her tail as well.
I really liked the piece in general, however, and see where it could be developed into a much larger story without much trouble at all. Good job!
I have an appreciation for introspective items like this. The fact that you've started to think about the fact we have so little control is evident in the undertones of the piece.
I usually have problems with the mechanics of poetry, and have to kind of force phrases around some to get a rhythm to my writing. I sense this same issue with "Whether ups or downs, No matter how it stings." I usually end up editing my poetry more than my prose, and often end up just letting it gather dust rather than let someone read it.
So, please don't do that...edit a little, and maintain this theme. I think you're on the cusp of a truly revelatory piece with a little phrase wrenching...lol.
Just...wow. So very well written, and so very intense. The only word I can think of to define my reaction is discomfiting. The title, "Bunny Weather" put an expectation of a very different tale as I began to read. It is a very stark look at the harsh realities that we so often overlook in our lives.
I appreciate the darkness of life, and have rarely seen such an excellent example of a story that relates it so uncompromisingly. Well done.
I really like this piece. The theme is great, and most of your descriptives are very good. I think the only improvements I could suggest would be to change some of the repetitive adjectives. I used to have a very hard time with that myself, so I started keeping a copy of Roget's Thesaurus right next to my writing space. It has made all the difference. One other thing...you used the word "atop" a couple of times in a manner that is not quite right. Most people think of "atop" as signifying a static item perched on top of another, not a dynamic item (like a foot, in motion), if that makes sense. As writers, we often want to use our vocabulary in ways that aren't familiar to most readers.
We sometimes trap ourselves with words that way. I can say "the floor creaked as I set my foot atop it," or I can say "as I stepped forward, the floor creaked under my weight." Or perhaps the floor creaked loudly as I tried to softly walked towards the door...the point is the creaking floor. If I use a word most people rarely use, it puts the emphasis on the floor, and not the creak. Does that make sense? LOL...
All in all though, I really like this piece. The facelessness of the horror outside is a prime example of a primal fear. I look forward to reading it again.
Very good...I think Mr. Bradbury would have liked this precursor to his own tale very much. You related the tension well, and I really enjoyed the gradual ramp up as you approached the end. I really, really liked this piece. Hope you have more, because I'm going to look.
What a riot! I thought for a moment that the story was drifting off from its arc, but as it came back around, I was captured by the description of the encounter. I especially liked the fact that Smithers had his cup of tea in the end. I'll check your portfolio for other works.
Well written, and entertaining. It is a light-hearted piece in general, but I wish there had been a bit more humor placed in the telling. The split skull is one image, but I might have expanded a bit by describing how I had stumbled across her broom on the ground and in looking up, saw some portion of her (legs, skirts, stockings and boots, etc.) up in the tree. That would have tied into the decorations that persist to this day. But, in the end, poor Eliza indeed.
Very good descriptive in the first eight paragraphs of Wolf's condition and reaction to it. There's a gritty reality there that must be recognized and appreciated.
In the second section, you wrote: 'From a good clown, you could learn a lot from watching them.' This was a bit awkward, and I'd like to suggest: 'You could learn a lot from watching a good clown' or words to that effect.
Another little awkward moment is describing the man's eyes as being delighted. I would recommend altering that to encompass more of the facial features of the man. Such as: "From the look in his eyes, the man seemed to be suddenly delighted" or words to that affect. I often have to remind myself that a body part can't be "delighted" or "dismayed" all on its own.
All in all, I think this piece needs just a few minutes of editing to bring it all together a little more tightly, but the theme is excellent, and I encourage you to expand on this piece and polish it a bit.
I can appreciate the bitter edge of this piece. We often find reality in what we express in the written word, and it brings us peace to share. I would make one technical change...in the last line, if you switch the phrases, the rhyme pattern will be more polished, and it will give a better emphasis on how you are moving forward. Sometimes making it rhyme better makes us feel better.
I appreciate the simple verse and the way you tried to give some breadth to the emotion of losing a lifelong friend. Giving voice to emotions is often difficult, and suggesting any change to this concise poetic piece may not even be welcome. But, having known this loss myself (many times over), I want to encourage you to come back to this item and expand on it. Doing that will not only improve your skills as a writer, it will help you express more fully the appreciation of the friend you lost. Believe me, it will be worth the effort.
Oh, I like this...the subject matter of the art isn't necessary. It's the process described to a "T". As an occasional artist, I immediately recognized the thought process and the emotion we all bring to what we do: "Is it good enough?" I found this very thought provoking. Thank you for describing an process and an emotion so simply and effectively.
This is why I like random reviewing...I get the opportunity to find small tidbits like this that show the ways in which each individual author ties images together to form a whole. I see the framework for a more detailed poem or short vignette here. It makes me want to look at your portfolio to see what other gems I might find there. The "spider sized drops" threw me a bit, but where I live, we have so many varying sizes of spiders, I think I had a moment of disarmed bafflement trying to pick a size that wasn't threatening to me...lol. I intend to take a look at any other pieces you have written.
It's great to read a piece that bridges the generation gap so well. It's too easy to forget that people have lived lives we had no idea about. Well written, and easy to follow, I like the premise very much. It also leaves open a space for more exploration of the subject matter, or stands alone.
How very unique. I can see no fault in the viewpoint, almost as if the floor is possessed by some spirit lost in the mansion and relegated to haunt its own specific feature. I made note of this idea to assist me with becoming more descriptive in my own writing. Thank you for sharing this with us all.
Reread it twice, to be sure. I love the theme, and not sure how I would suggest any change. The meter is a bit stilted, but it works well with the overall dynamic of the message and the emotion it conveys. In looking at it again (the third time), I enjoyed it even more. Not sure about the digging into the road line...I suppose that's the only line that put me out of synch, but all in all, very nice.
A great short read, with something that I can relate to...dark humor in the face of danger. This piece is delightful, and I really appreciate the brevity with which it is presented. Descriptions are clear without getting in the way of the feeling of the story, or of Al and Frank's personalities. I like it!
Oh, how tricky...I love the fact that you never mention the actual nature of the spell she cast, and let the story reveal its secret through the reading. A piece like this easily calls for a re-read, for the reader to be absolutely clear on Mary and her miraculous actions. Wonderful!
The story is quite good, and it covers the characters well. It does seem the written story started in the middle of a piece, which could be fixed with just a few changes in grammar without taking anything away from the story. It's very concise, and puts the story out there rapidly and briefly. I personally like pieces like this, and find stories like this have the makings of a very broad, developed plot line for a much longer piece.
The sentiment is sound, and well thought out. The mechanics might need a bit of work to make the flow better. Whenever I write poetry, I set it aside for two hours after each edit, and then look at it again. I have a friend who actually reads hers to a metronome, but that might be a little extreme. But the pattern of the ideas and the progression work quite well.
Excellent acrostic for the names of these men, and the event chronicled very well by the author. I've never tried this sort of thing, and applaud anyone who can do it as well as it was done here. Bravo!