Very nice! Working from the inside of this being was done very well, and your descriptions of the action and what this being noticed were very good indeed. I only have one complaint.
Using the largest font size helps us old folks read easier...lol. Really, very very good. I look forward to reading more.
What a lovely piece of verse. It's not often that I am able to appreciate the poet's bend of mind, because I can't very often come up with the suitable vocabulary to build the image and keep the rhythmic sense at the same time. Kind of like being able to dance in hip waders...come can, some can't. You were able to describe simple images that anyone can relate to, even those who didn't have the experience of a rural home growing up. Very well done.
The mystery is well maintained throughout. I like the way you handled that. The descriptive narration is good as well. I do hope you'll develop this into a longer piece, since I'd like to know more about the nature of her mother's disappearance and how they reunited. It has the bones of a good story that could be well filled out with a little time. The only thing I found is what I call a bit of 'jerkiness' in the narrator's actions. Almost like when you see something while scanning a scene and then snap back to it and continue on over and over. This is something I battle quite often myself in my writing. What I've learned to do is to sit down and try to "say it differently" wherever I see a part like that. I use a thesaurus a lot, also. For instance, the phrase 'Couldn't keep not talking about my parents because it was awful and depressing.' might flow a little better as 'No matter how painful it was, I couldn't keep silent about it.' I have to rewrite all the time because of that 'stop & start' phrasing. All in all though, this is a very nice start to something that could go down many paths. Keep Writing.
A nice piece, well thought out. During editing, you should make sure you read the piece at least three times. That way you're less likely to use the wrong word. I'm talking about Darwin's statement: "...we created together will fell the love we..." I'm sure you meant to use the word 'feel'. Spell checker will only tell us that a word is spelled correctly, not that it's the wrong word. Don't worry about it, though...I do it all the time. lol...that's why I have to force myself to read three times....rofl.
Very, very good. That's all I can say. Simple beauty, well expressed. While the formula is there in the never-ending Christmas Ghost Story, I like the different approach you took to the theme with this story, and the fact that the spirits, in their work, paid their lives forward to Frank as well.
I like it! It's frustrating, but I like it. No decision is made, there is no hint at what direction their relationship is headed except to a conclusion. But...there's no concrete indication of what the actual end of their story might be. The imagery is very well done, as is the dialogue. The story is quite good, with the one exception being that in reading what is goind on in Rose's mind, I get the impression that she might be a little unbalanced. I'm sure that is just MY perception, but I would think others might see it that way too, and I'm pretty sure that's not what you intended to convey.
A good look at an experience that's hard for all of us. I appreciate your willingness to put a voice to the thoughts here. As we age, the viewpoint of our mortality changes. A thought. Have you ever tried putting yourself into the place of those who tried to comfort you? Or of your grandfather? Exploring those areas will help you grow both as a writer and has a person. Well written.
I like the idea behind this, but it's a little hard to follow easily. Try using a third person perspective throughout, and it might read easier. The continuing use of the identifiers for the dialogue is what makes it "jerky". By changing to a different perspective, it might be easier to create a mental image of the exchange between the two characters.
You do have the screenwriter's bend of mind. I'm going to read your other work. I really encourage you to find a film class that will help you develop this talent into screenwriting art.
You write in the form of a screenplay. The imagery is good, and with a little blocking (film direction) it would make a good start on a film project. I don't know if that's your interest, but here, in our community colleges, there are classes on film making that would help you explore that area. It was actually very easy to follow the story as a visual image. I haven't read your bio, but I can tell you're living in Australia or some similar part of the world by some of the phrases and descriptions. Here in the USA most people don't know what a fibro shack is, or using the word Ute. The images, however, are unmistakable and very well thought out. Bravo!
A promising start to a short story that could be easily expanded. The way it describes the hidden focus and it's effect on the subject creates an excellent gateway to a very good story. I encourage you to expand it into a fine emotional piece.
Excellent! The feeling we have all had in one form or another is perfectly described in this piece. I can appreciate the subject's situation all too well. The very fact that you outlined every part of the process we often go through as we write, even when we fall short, shows a masterful touch with this subject matter. I really like it! Grammar great, spelling great, word use great. Thank you for this excellent insight.
A very nice premise piece. The artifacts are well described in a general way, leaving room to develop them in more detail as the tale is woven. I'm not sure I'd make Provisora take away a being's sight so much as allow them to see beyond the surface of reality. I hope you'll be developing it more fully as a tale of the Sylph and a possibility of their resurrection as a race.
Nice piece. No 'e' in lightning, and Catholic is a tricky usage. A person can be Catholic, and can convert to the Catholic church, or convert to Catholicism. (How picky, right?) Word usage is a tough one. I think the progression moved along pretty smoothly, although a little fleshing out of the details on Walt being the oldest son and perhaps other children would have been a little helpful to fill out what their lives had become during those 15 years. A little comparison to Dee at 15 years might have brought more meaning to why Grandma and Grandpa smiled when Larry moved back to CA. I hope this helps.
A very good concise offering of a feeling that is a part of more people than most know. There is a song from my generation written by a singer named John Hambrick, and I'd like to mention it here. It was a song that touched me a long time ago, and I think it's important today.
"Ain't never met a white man, ain't never met a black man, ain't never met a yellow man, ain't never met a red man." Quite simply, it goes on to describe how we are all different and yet the same. Keep expressing yourself, and together we can make all people learn that there are only two types of people. Good ones and bad ones.
Structurally sound, grammar was very good, and it was enjoyable to read.
Absolutely priceless. Your style of straightforward language and direct description is refreshing and appreciated. At the end, this is one of the most poignant and hilarious pieces I've read in a long, long time. Thank you for sharing your experience at the wicket with us all.
Stunning. While the flow of the piece is somewhat stilted, I take that into account that English is probably not your primary language. The images you present, however, are gripping and expressed very well. I am placing you on my very short list of people I read regularly, and I encourage you to continue to develop your skills so that your voice can be heard through your writing.
A very nice image, and the thoughtfulness behind it is quite obvious. Constructive criticism...proofread, and remember the difference between two, to, and too. The computer will not differentiate between them. "That huge ball of fire TOO far to warm this part..." When I push an item through quickly, I have to force myself to proofread it my requisite three times, but it's worth the effort. I really like the images as presented, with only the necessary details that are pertinent to the story. All in all, very good.
Hmmm...she can't find anyone interested in her? And gets refused by Thanatos? Okay, how about "No Takers" or "R.S.V.P." By the way. How did the car keys get in the street? lol...nice dramatic touch, but hit me sideways. I always like your things, keep after it!
Very raw depiction, and it felt very accurate, of a twelve year old. The emotions it engenders are sad and wistful, much as they would be, along with a sense of fear, doubt, and resignation from the viewpoint of the narrator. All in all, a very entertaining piece. The obvious death of the narrator is a little abrupt, as life often is, and leaves no room for resolution of the child's feelings, or any show of the mother's remorse. Personally, I think it would not be popular among a broad female audience, but it is a story that strikes a chord of truth with a male audience quite well.
I liked the ephemeral nature displayed in this. It makes me focus on the "nature" of the supernatural in a way best expressed in the Native American heritage. I enjoy your focus on those things we all tend to be blind to and the way reality shifts around us every moment of our lives. It's all too easy to spend our lives seeking a cause and effect relationship between everything, and forget that some things are perhaps best left undisturbed and without evidence.
Very well thought out, with imagery that didn't burden me with too much detail. In writing about something we all know too well, you took the bull by the horns and reminded me that writing is not a project, but a process. My only criticism was in noticing a couple of words missed in proofreading (chocking instead of choking, for instance), and the use of the word 'assuage'. I'm not able to break away to check, but I don't think that was quite the word you meant to fit there. All in all though, I really liked it, and am pleased to see the idea addressed the way you did.
My only change is to delete the word "but" in the first paragraph after the start of the sentence "While some...". That was just something overlooked in proofreading, but it made my mind stutter for a moment. The story is excellent, and made me think about childhood experiences that were similar. I love the ending, which creates a world of possibilities for Joe. Write on!
Your straightforward style is very good, and grammar/usage, etc. is spot on. Content, well, if you look at the history of Mr. Biden, you'll see he's not the sharpest tool in the shed to begin with. The only thing more frightening than the inexperience of the current commander in chief is the sheer ignorance of his second in command. I agree with what you say, and I must point out that we have a long history of this sort of thing. Remember, Saddam Hussein was OUR guy back in the day. Don't you wish we'd get one job finished that didn't have to be done over again?
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