I find this article on environment pollution quite informative.
My review of this essay is for your WDC Account Anniversary.
Congratulations as you step on to a new creative year at the WDC.
Have a great day!
It seems we are living in a dangerous situation. The kinds of pollution, you mentioned are very much present everywhere.
Every country suffers from environmental hazards. No wonder we have various diseases born out of filthy atmosphere. It is a global threat and everyone of the nations and their citizens must become aware of the dangers pollution of various kinds and change their pattern of life accordingly.
A suggestion if it is ok with you.
You told us about the various types of environmental pollution. The danger is clear and present.
I only suggest give us some measures to counter this threat to life and health.
Many of us will benefit if we know how to take suitable measures to keep our environment clean and healthy.
A wonderful descriptive piece.
Her beauty unfurls with each sentence.
Picture perfect beauty, who invites the author (perhaps) to share the blessings of life.
Dream girl comes to life.
Imagery is visual and I can see her before my mind's eye.
Edit-
"You're heart, stolen by the smile."
(Your heart, stolen by the smile.)
"... lips glistening with the sun."
( lips glistening in the sun.)
The use of personification is done quite appealingly.
A mental condition where the victim is a sudden prey to the hovering enemy is described figuratively.
"He lurks & waits to consume & Play ."
A few edits regarding language and spelling.
"vast & open"
(vast and open
please use "and" in place of its abbreviated version,&)
"THIS desolate place dark & frigid ."
(This desolate place is dark and frigid.)
"THEIR END IS THEIR NEW BEGINNING CEASING NEVER TO AGAIN BE FREE DAMNED IS HE & NOW SO THEY."
(THEIR END IS THEIR NEW BEGINNING. CEASING NEVER Again TO BE FREE. DAMNED IS HE and SO are THEY.)
Doubt-
Is the use of capitals for highlighting your thoughts?
Spelling-
"HE LYES IN WAIT...."
(HE LiES IN WAIT...
lie and lye have different meanings.
You spoke of colonization and the enforcement of a foreign culture on the native population.
Then you talk of mushrooms flourishing even before algae and moss.
My thoughts-
The topic of this article is not one, but several.
Edits-
1." Mushrooms were before everyhing I dont know how they were the first ones to florish in an barren earth but they did.'
( Mushrooms were before everything. I don't know how they were the first ones to flourish in a barren earth but they did.)
2."I see them as mighty beings who paved the way to all life on earth,
now they are just seen as gross,ugly and disgusting which does not do them any justice. Since the early ages colonies of cavemen / tribes used mushrooms in rituals wich means they valued them greatly seen as they used them in rituals and depictions. How did the reputation of the mushroom fell like this is astonishing but I blame colonization and people colonizing other communites whilst inforcing their own bliefs and rules, completely trashing their culture and everthing they belive in. Thus they shun and neglect the very thing that made them be in the first place:Mushrooms.
(I see them as mighty beings, who paved the way to all life on earth.
Now they are just seen as gross, ugly and disgusting which does not do them any justice. Since early ages, colonies of cavemen / tribes used mushrooms in rituals, which means they valued them greatly. They used them in rituals and depictions.
How did the reputation of the mushroom fall like this is astonishing. But I blame colonization and people colonizing other communities, whilst enforcing their own beliefs and rules, completely trashing their culture and everything they believed in.
Thus they shun and neglect the very thing that made them be in the first place: Mushrooms)
Your narration is interesting.
Language and style are outstanding.
The character of the samurai is arresting.
Description of his momentous acts of bravery catch the reader's attention.
My thoughts and suggestions if you like.
Give me a physical picture of the Samurai.
A little family background of the samurai helps me in understanding his longing for the sword.
Who was his master? His father?
Create some dialog.
Show his mettle.
An example or two showing him in action would be impressive and interesting to the reader.
I love the way you say, "I feel fine" despite going through trying times. Few would keep such brave front.
Hello, I am Jaya and I am reviewing this well-written poem for your WDC Account Anniversary!
Congratulations and have a lovely day!
You depicted life in vivid word pictures.
"I paint this picture upon this page
But the words are fading as they age"
Everyone passes through some difficult patches in life. While some succumb to such circumstances beyond strength, some survive all of them and rise from the thorns of life.
You obviously, belong to the second type of humanity.
My only suggestion is,
separate the rhyming couplets.
That will certainly make the poem more appealing.
It flows well with appropriate word choices and line endings.
there is a new angle to this ghost story. I can't call her a ghost either because she behaved with goodness. Calling her a good soul might be more appropriate.
I notice she word black and not white.
Could there be reason for this attire?
Here she comes walking on the cloudy path from the moon to give a floral tribute to her recently passed lover.
It is a lovely thought, showing a heavenly gesture from a dead soul.
The first line is truly a hook.
"The lady in black stepped through the mist and appeared in the cemetery."
My thoughts and a doubt-
It is sensible that she has no conversation with her erstwhile lover. Yet, she came down to place a rose on his grave. There is human emotion attached to this gesture. She even gave a kiss to his headstone.
So what stops her from acknowledging his soul, which just rose from his grave?
They could have gone together into the night through the mist.
You have several good points about the main topic. Yes, change is vital for progress. No wonder they say, change is the law of life.
Here are a few edits if you like-
"So many people think this but now I will tell you what I think."
(So many people think like this. But now I will tell you what I think.)
Split a long sentence for more clarity.
"man kind."
(mankind)
"Without change we would go basically insane and no I don't mean what you think I mean insane means when you do something over and over again expecting a different result except without change it would always be the same and we're all basically going insane at that point."
The above one too long a sentence in which meaning is lost. Please split it into more sentences.
"your hole life."
(your whole life.)
Your last sentence has logic. But it got lost due to the length of the sentence. Writing needs more clarity.
Punctuation-
Comma and period should me inserted where necessary.
Please divide the whole essay into paragraphs, each with a point of its own.
Diana's reverie is absorbing as I read through the story.
It is certainly like fairy tale romance that continues to be so as she went ahead to join Jared and her little son.
The flames and the tragic deaths are quite sudden and all good things came to a sudden end leaving her caught in the gyres of tragedy.
I enjoyed the narration.
My only doubt is about the flames, which she saw.
You said.
"...saw flames that stretched toward the base of heaven itself."
If the flames are that high, there must be smoke emanating from them and spreading around and down the hill as well.
But we don't see a spec of it as she drove up the hill, neither do we hear the sound of two explosions.
Also, it is odd that no other houses are mentioned besides this one lonely one.
I saw this short story in your port and I am reviewing it for your WDC Account Anniversary.
Congratulations as you register one more year at the WDC, for more creative writing.
Have a lovely day!
The little girl Janey Jane's character shows a warm and affectionate heart. she is kind and concerned about the flower getting drenched in the incessant rain.
" “Hank's flower” "
has a story of its own.
You did a great job regarding the sudden change in weather from " Blue became gray."
You have described events in a way that can be visualized.
My doubt-
I wonder if the use of "fat" regarding the description of rain drops is appropriate.
"...hum of raindrops, loud and fat and steady,.."
As you listen to the rain, the sound effect could be loud and steady.
The use of "fat" suggests you are looking at it, which is not the case here.
It is just a thought.
Also,
"When the rain began sounding like fingernails against her bedroom window.."
"fingernails" suggest a scratchy sound like the brushing of a branch against window. I wonder if rain could do that on the window.
Narrative style is nice and consistent with the events in the story.
Some secrets stand revealed only after death. An accident is created to unravel the mystery of the old blonde.
Edits-
Here are a few observations I made.
The first paragraph, I notice, mixes present and past tense.
"She always dresses mismatched or cozy. Not much of a fan to dress up. Lipgloss always shines on her lips. Everyday was a different color. And her eyes- well her sunglasses covered them. She never took them off. No matter the weather. People often wondered why. What was she hiding? Is it a hideous scar? Or was it a bruise from a former partner? Why does she also wear sunglasses"
(She always dresses mismatched or cozy. Not much of a fan to dress up. Lipgloss always shines on her lips. Everyday was a different color. And her eyes- well her sunglasses covered them. She never took them off. No matter the weather. People often wondered why. What was she hiding? Is it a hideous scar? Or was it a bruise from a former partner? Why does she also wear sunglasses?)
I have put the words with clashing tense in bold print.
A few more edits-
"One day the neighborhood kids always stopped and asked,"
(One day, the neighborhood kids stopped her and asked,)
"managed to never trip or bump into anything.'
(managed never to trip or bump into anything.)
"It was on a sunny day when the accident happened."
(It was on a sunny day that the accident happened.)
Or
(It was a sunny day, when the accident happened.)
"Amongst the mess we're big, dark green sunglasses."
(Amongst the mess were, a big and dark green sunglasses.)
What a lovely story! Here's a writer that found inspiration listening to grandson BJ's poem and other kids' stories and later, by looking at his toy tiger.
Hi Dana, I am Jaya, reviewing this pretty nonfiction for your WDC Account Anniversary.
Congratulations as you usher in another year of creativity at the WDC.
Have a lovely day!
Muse seems hiding till you found her in your grandson's desk.
I could see that even a seasoned writer like you suffers from low morale. That particular moment, when the right note is struck is crucial to writers as I have observed in this telling tale of yours.
" I found the toy I was looking for and sat it atop my desk.....I began to write with childlike abandon, the way a real writer should."
A wonderful story with a style and language that can compete with big time writers!
It is certainly an impressive journey for you. Life has been tough and it continues so.
It takes a woman of grit to withstand the buffeting winds of life, which you have successfully delivered.
Congratulations!
My suggestions-
There are just two points I would like to make.
First, organize your material in its proper sequence. That gives the story clarity and effect.
It is good that you have divided the story into several paragraphs. Each para has a number of points, which you need to arrange in their order.
For example, you narrated two love stories of your mom. Bring in more clarity by avoiding minor details such as shown below,
Your paragraph-
"Towards the end of her draining stays at the hospital, around 17 or 18 years old, she laid a sheer curtain pull away from (my future tia S) an older lady. I can't speak for these details but all i know is my mom locked eyes with her nephew. A mid height, thinly built boy her age..."
My version-
Towards the end of her stay at the hospital, when she was 17 or 18 years old, my mom fell in love with an older lady's nephew. He was of her age, with brown eyes and of average height."
The same method applies to the other sections too.
Put in the important details and avoid asides and minor details like making a comment that is not relevant in that context.
You can mention them in another story if you want to.
The second important suggestion is language and punctuation.
I appreciate the fact that you have narrated your family story quite spontaneously trying to fit in all the details you are aware of.
It is easy to get out of control sometimes.
Punctuation like using capital I and not i.
"Im just exhausted sometimes."
(I'm)
The above glitch is found at several places in the narrative.
language-
"she wondered away ...)
(she wandered away ...)
If you could revise and edit the story, it makes impact on the readers.
You told a great story about your mom and your unconditional love for her.
The theme is good. It is an age-old dilemma, which still invites definitions.
As you have rightly concluded, individuals have to decide for themselves what true love is.
In my opinion, true love cannot be decided at the beginning of a relationship. It has to go through the test of time and if they still find each other irresistible, if their love doesn't alter through thick and thin of life, yes, then it is true love.
Here are a few edits if you like.
Edit-
"I will answer to this question without being ...."
(I will answer this question without being ...)
"that ae symbolic and people."
(that are symbolic and people.)
"loosing"
(losing)
"It is a dangerous game many of whom are people who got lost.'
(Rephrase the sentence for clarity.)
"if we participate to this game."
(if we participate in this game.)
I am reviewing these lines of prose for your WDC Account Anniversary.
Congratulations on this cheerful occasion.
Have a wonderful day!
You have described your love's face and features in an appealing manner.
Imagery is crystal clear because it is visual.
"His eyes are blue like sea when moonlight shines on the surface."
Great to know you have fulfilled your dream of love by finding the right person.
Here are a few edits if you like.
Your lines-
"when he kiss me I'am under his spell. When I look at his face i know no harm shall come for his love well protect me, because to me he is the face of love."
"when he kiss.."
(when he kisses...)
Third person singular verb in simple present tense, needs -es or -s, like he watches, she studies, he runs, she eats etc.
"I'am"
(I'm)
I'm is a contraction of "I am".
"i know no harm"
(I know no harm)
Capitalization of first person singular i.e. I, is compulsory, wherever you use it.
"his love well protect me,"
(his love will protect me)
or
(his love well protects me)
Life's lesson is convincingly conveyed in this rhyming verse.
Nobody wants solace offered by a person, whose motives are not genuine, whose feelings are not natural.
"Don’t talk to me at my lowest point
with false comfort and platitudes"
A woman's heart can recognize the well-wisher, the true lover.
It shows the hidden truth that if you cry, you cry alone. None can truly pacify the pain in heart.
The most important observation made by the poet is that dependence in any single way makes you weak. Doing things independently increases confidence and courage.
"But I've made note of a valuable point:
I need only depend on me."
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