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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/vlannie
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8 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Annie
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Flower1* First Impression

Very strong emotion here. I like the way history becomes embers. There is a melancholy tone that doesn't lead to wistfulness.

*Flower2* Form

Is there a specific form you are writing here? I am unfamiliar with this one, but that doesn't mean there isn't' one. I like the way dashes are used to set apart the last lines in both stanzas. And, I also noticed that the verbs in the first stanza are past tense, while the verbs in the second stanza are present participles. Not sure if this was intentional but it adds a bit of flare as we see what happened and what is happening at the same time. Nice!

*Flower3* Spelling and Grammar

I found no errors in spelling or grammar.

*Flower4* Flow and readability

Your poem flows well and is easily readable.

*Flower5* Suggestions

Honestly, I have no suggestions for this one. As I said previously, I am not sure if this was written to a specific form or not, but if not, you could add another stanza at the beginning that uses present tense verbs and maybe gives a specific event that has become a dying ember (?). Just an idea.

Please note: I have only offered suggestions that I think would help me as a reader.
*Heart**Flower6**Flower6**Heart*



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2
2
Review of Joe's  
Review by Annie
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Flower1* First Impression

Aliens among us! Or demons...Good job of showing not telling. It is obvious there is something different about the patrons of Joe's based on the patron's observation of everyone's eyes. And you leave us with a cliffhanger! What happens next?

*Flower2* Spelling and Grammar

I see no errors in grammar or spelling. You have done a good job of punctuating dialogue, which seems to be a hard thing for some writers.

*Flower3*Organization and Readability

Well organized and easy to understand.

*Flower4*Suggestions

The only suggestion I could possibly have is that you give me more! I want to know how this story ends. Do the aliens/demons attack this man? Convert him? Kidnap him? Does a battle ensue? Does the patron win? Ahhh the questions!

Please note: I have only offered suggestions that I think would help me as a reader

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3
3
Review by Annie
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Heart* First Impression

This is a hilarious poem and a great example of personification! Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem.

*Heart* Form

I like the rhyme scheme of your quatrains. It reminds me of the Italian Sonnet but with a varied rhyme scheme. Nice meter throughout, although it is off in a couple of places. For example, awkward meter throws off the flow in this one.

"I hold a saber in my hand and my arm is raised high;
so cometh hither, pigeon foe, and see if you still fly!
I am a swordsman of renown, albeit hard and stilled;
yet even in my marble state I’m focused and strong willed.”

There is a slight miss in the meter of the first line. It has to do with the word "and". I am not sure why, but it throws things off. Since you are not averse to using archaic language (cometh for example), maybe you could do this instead

I hold a saber in my hand, my arm is raised on high

It seems to flow better. Both are "and" and "on" are one-syllable words, but placing "on" near the end somehow fixes the flow. Just a suggestion!

*Heart* Spelling and Grammar

There seems to be an issue with word choice in the following line.

“Ah, pigeons, you may think if funny that you go on me;

Did you mean "it" instead of "if"?

*Heart* Flow and readability

Other than the issues previously mentioned, this poem flows great! The meaning is clear and the poem is very easy to read.

*Heart* Suggestions

The only suggestions I have, have already been mentioned. My suggestions are not set in stone rules, so take them with a grain of salt!

Please note: I have only offered suggestions that I think would help me as a reader.
*ButterflyB**FlowerR**FlowerR**ButterflyB*


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4
4
Review of Bracelet  
Review by Annie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Flower1* First Impression
One of my favorite topics to write and read about. It seems we all (or most of us) long for someone or something from our past.
*Flower2* Form
Good free verse.
*Flower3* Spelling and Grammar
Small issues concerning capitalization at the beginning of each line and punctuation. Just be consistent. If you are going to use commas, periods, colons etc. then use them all where needed. I think it confuses readers if this is inconsistent.

*Flower4* Flow and readability
Very readable poem. There were no issues with the flow and I found the line breaks worked well.
*Flower5* Suggestions
My favorite poetry instructor taught me to trim unnecessary words. So, with that in mind here is my humble suggestion. Thank you for letting me read and make suggestions.

I don't like going through old things.
There's always that one,
like this bracelet,
wrapped in fragments of memory.
Did it come from grandma?

(Do you think adding a memory or two would help to set the "war" up in the next stanza? Or would that be necessary?)

Keep it or not, I can’t win.
Nostalgia brings war
between feeling and unfeeling.
The certainty of things broken:
days, moments, dreams
lost.


What do you think? I like it as is, just making "trim" suggestions.
I really like your poem! It reminds me of my grandmother and how I always wanted her to give me a piece of jewelry--any piece--from her jewelry box. Great job! Keep writing!
Please remember (pun intended!): I have only offered suggestions that I think would help me as a reader.
*Heart**Flower6**Flower6**Heart*



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5
5
Review by Annie
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Flower1* First Impression
A beautiful personification of nature and it's ability to refresh life with water (rain).
*Flower2* Form
Free verse with no rhyme scheme...it works well.
*Flower3* Spelling and Grammar
No errors in spelling or gramamr seen.
*Flower4* Flow and readability
Flows nicely but there are a few snags such as lines 3,4 and 5 in the second stanza. They slowed me down some although, on the second reading, they did not.
*Flower5* Suggestions
None that I can think of...
Please note: I have only offered suggestions that I think would help me as a reader.
*Heart**Flower6**Flower6**Heart*



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