*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/voodooshampoo
Review Requests: OFF
67 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
Mainly i focus on how much i liked the story and how much it lived up to my expectations. I always expect a good story and a lot of thought and work put into it. If that isn't visible within the story i will point it out. I add great detail wherever needed and you won't get a short review, ever! If needed i will even give examples of how you could have done a better story.
I'm good at...
giving advice to make the story more interesting and appealing. I can give tons of suggestions to improve your story if you wish for it and i can go in great depth.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, fantasy, mystery. I did read every genre by now, so don't worry about this.
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and drama.
Favorite Item Types
Sci-fi short stories and occasionally mystery stories.
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry. To some extent i do like poetry, but it's a bit difficult to review.
I will not review...
gay/lesbian
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: E | (2.5)
you provide very good and detailed imagery, but for me, a reader who is more interested in SF genre (speculative fiction mainly) this isn't interesting, just want to point out you might miss out an a lot of readers although you do got good description

what you could do is add a bit of mystery or unexpected twists to your story or make it looks more mysterious although there isn't much mystery within this part of the plot at least


what's the scentless odor perfume about? is it something that counteracts odors like feebres? something that numbs the nerves in your nose so you don't feel an scent?
i expected an artificial odor that smells like a tropical forest or a jungle, that seems more suitable

i didn't get what the race is about, but i guess the story is interesting within the adventure realm

once again very detailed and descriptive, but for me it's missing something to grab and hold my attention, even if it would be something that turns out to be quite shallow ... a detail that is uninteresting when explained, but very interesting when left unexplained until the end for example
2
2
Review of Genesis One  
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
The description is overall very well done. You provide good imagery.

I would drop the iPad 8 comparission. It felt like getting punched out of the story into a random advert.

stra├čenbahn - i would use streetcar or tram instead


This isn't much of a sci-fi. It's more the story about some murderer.

If you do want to write a sci-fi story i suggest you drop the flashback out unless you make the story much more longer. The flashback would only be good if you needed some space to better portray the character, which i really doubt you do in so few words.

I was looking forward to a crew being stuck in space with Wasserman. And perhaps Wasserman performing some complicated murders that required background knowledge in chemistry / electronics and such. What would a crew do in that case?

Your story isn't really sci-fi to me as there are already plans to send people to Mars without a return. Your story just adds the serial killer. In my opinion sci-fi is something that makes predictions in the realm of science that haven't yet been achieved. I don't see any of that in your story.

I liked the way the story is written, very clear and expressive. Well done.

The character names being German is a bit confusing. I thought at first there was a reason for them to be German, especially since the main character is called waterman. Thought he might drown someone in mid space with water vapor or something like that ...
Since the story is in English i suggest to either use shorter names in whatever language you like (since it's a really short story). Or you could use English names, it's more suitable for an English text in my opinion.
3
3
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: E | (1.0)
kinda the boring popular fraud thing

it works and is still there because there is always someone gullible who hopes the world isn't as bad as it seems


my only question is when will this end and stop for good, and never again rear its ugly head in this world


what upset me is that you didn't finish what you started, if you wish to talk about it then do so, don't leave dots at the end
4
4
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
well you got a nice set of ideas put together, but you didn't describe much of the surroundings

the reader doesn't know too well in what place you've placed the characters

be more descriptive at the start, this is very important
you can quickly drop the introductory line where you mention the desert, drop the character in doing something within that desert and then continue describing the desert directly or through the character's emotions

there's a lot of pursue going on, over what terrain exactly? when i watch a movie i can see those details, which do add to the excitement
your story lacks them
you shouldn't clutter your story with descriptions, but your really have too little of it

also add a decent description of every new place you introduce into the story, unless it's meant to stay a mystery for the time being

and last but not least when you explain what's going on, don't write about the cause but more about the results /consequences
for example this bit:
 "The Stalker Recon Suit was designed to magnify the combat skills of its pilot with the use of an Advance Artificial Intelligence. When connected by the neural lace the two could act as one making movements ..."
it comes close to reading a part of a documentary and that kind of documentary description doesn't fit within this part of the text, it can fit in some texts, but not here and probably not anywhere else in your story
so better stick to writing about the impact their neuronal extension have on the battle
5
5
Review of The Rain  
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: E | (4.0)
starts of very nicely (vivid descriptive introduction as some might call it)

a bit later on in the text i feel the description is dragging and not really applied where it should, but it's not a major issue imo

also you gave me the feeling of deja vu when reading through some of your sentences, some of them are the way i usually form them, not necessarily a good thing (since i am not perfect), but it gave me a funny feeling


i want to see some continuation filled with tons of action! good luck
6
6
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
i think you mean clockwork heart, unless you want to mix up languages within the title and i am not sure why you would want to do that

i don't like the character name Evans within this story, sounds more like the name of a Earth crawler not someone going into space


Awesome story. I really liked it. A lot.


But there's something you didn't make clear. Why does the government have a problem with dogs being repaired? You skipped on writing down a lot of important info regarding that, or well at least a simple sentence explaining this.

At the end, the grandfather being dead kinda defeats the point of the story. I suggest leaving it out. He was expected to die anyway and your story is about achieving Ravyn's goal. It's like you shoot yourself in the end with that last line and it would be better if you just delete it.

A death at the end would make more sense as a moral lesson for complacent and careless characters, not for a character like Ravyn.
7
7
Review of Choices  
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
I was hoping there would be more science fictional stuff within this story, aside from simply going to Pluto to mine something. The story could as well have taken place on Earth without any sci-fi element in it at all, so yes this is a great disappointment when you expect sci-fi but get a story that could happen in modern day or even in the past.

I was going to ask how you explain that in the future education isn't basically free and easier to obtain, but this is where the prompt writer failed. As we see in our time and day, the internet offers more and more free tutorials for all sorts of education and on top of that there are plenty good books to self-study from. So i can only conclude that that will improve even further in the future and so the prompt is as unrealistic as it gets.

The story was filled with exciting moments, building up suspense only to have any hope at a surprise ending crushed. This is a drama or horror at best, not sci-fi.
8
8
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: E | (1.5)
if you do an introduction better do it more descriptive and splash some metaphors over it

Most important questions you have to ask yourself, why is the hero over Manhatten and why not some other town? Is there some background knowledge about other stories required to make this bit of information appealing?

Why should the reader care about the characters you threw in? This is very important to consider. At the beginning of your introduction you mention the characters and i don't see why i should care about some CEOs getting murdered. Murders are quite common in the news and CEOs aren't really the most emotion deserving persons out there. Some CEOs can be considered bosses of corporate mafias.

You made the name of the first villain mentioned sound interesting, i give you credit for that.

What really got to me is the lack of appeal of the main character at the beginning and his overdose of self importance. It makes me imagine some villain sneaking up on him and pushing him down from that tall building. That's how annoying his attitude is.

It's alright to let your hero tell the story, but only if it's in the least arrogant manner. Unless he is supposed to be a villain himself that saves the day and if that would be the case then you would need to make it clear from the start.
9
9
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
an interesting and fun idea, but i feel it's a bit forcefully brought in front of the reader

make Larry a bit less ignorantly stupid and over-excited

Johnatan is too uninterested in the house, which makes one wonder why he bothered building the house

the story overall is rushed a lot, try to take your time and let your characters start their suffering more slowly to add some tension and suspense to the story
10
10
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
the story jumps too much without an explanation, but i think i managed to get the gist of it by reading all the story through


there are some grammar issues in here, for example:
"Kari and Joey exchanged puzzled looks while Mac when back to work." should be went instead of when
11
11
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: E | (3.5)
funny, but the conclusion didn't make sense to me

it would have made more sense for Trym to understand she went psycho and might shoot him or something along those lines, but her rage does in no way translate to being in charge :/
12
12
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Nice story. I understood immediately where you're aiming at, that's not a downside tho and it might be because I'm too familiar with this topic.

I want to know why they didn't create artificial bodies to live out individuality.
13
13
Review of Trick or Trick  
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: E | (4.0)
I guess this is a nice read about a child experience regarding Halloween.

It's too mild and lenient for me. But i guess others would really like the "passage of time" thematic that is much present in this piece.
But i'm not sure what the fantasy part is supposed to be. Must have overlooked it.


Sadly the ending reminds me of a girl in my early school years. She died when crossing the street with her grandmother. Her sigh was bad and she couldn't see the speedy car ... The girl died. Her grandma was in the hospital for two weeks until she recovered.
14
14
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
"which explains why they come into the house every time someone opens the door."

I thought this was about some sort of angry alien squirrels invading Earth with lazer guns. :(((


Funny story. But maybe you should add some description about them. Make them look awkwardly cartoonish through their actions, appearances, the way the stay still and look at you ...
To further the funny aspect, you could make it sound like there are squirrels every where in any state possible:
- squirrel frozen in the fridge
- squirrel flattened under the tires
- squirrel drowned when it fell in the bath tub
- squirrel bathing in the kitchen sink
- squirrel fell down from second floor when you opened the window (not noticing it of course)
- squirrel gets eaten by cat ... etc.


Hope this was helpful!
15
15
Review of The Future  
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: E | (4.0)
Yeah, i agree with the text. But you should make this longer.

Well that hit me point blank, it's what i usually dream off. Hahaha!
16
16
Review of Vlad's Wife  
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: E | (4.5)
"I will not surrender, she thought. And I will not fight."
This looks contradictory. Did you perhaps mean "And I will fight." ? I mean not fighting is basically surrendering, even if she is tired of fighting.
Maybe there was a different message you wanted to convey, but i didn't manage to grasp it.


"Death to you Turks!" she cried. - i find this bit very amuzing! It resembles the sort of dark humor i enjoy reading. The only thing missing is a stick in her hand that she would wave nervously while crying her eyes out, mouth wide open. I know this is meant to be emotionally dramatic, which it is, but i enjoyed that aspect of the story although you didn't mean it to be a dark joke.


I like this short story. Really nice read!
Add more description to it, to make it more dramatic.

Usually i like the stories written about Vlad. Wish people would see beyond the gruesome legends and check the facts. It's sad Europe didn't have more people that fought like that for their own countries. What's worse is that people don't know any background info.
If not for him, who knows what Europe would look like today. Not that i am against Islam, but i am against those that forcefully impose their belief unto others. So yeah, i think Vlad's a real hero.
17
17
Review of Daydream  
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ahaha. So the guy suicides because he can't take it any longer? I find the ending seriously amuzing! In fact i like that sort of humor! A AWFUL DAMN LOT!

It makes your story very appealing to me!


Excuse my sense of humor, if you weren't intending to portray the ending as a joke.

Anyways, your description is nice and clearly displays the sentiments of the main character along with his memories. Well done.
Add a bit more dark humor in there!
18
18
Review of Keep on Wishin’  
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: E | (4.5)
Personally i think that the idea of god is mainly there for people to have something to hold on. It adds support where there's weakness, but by adding that sort of support you gain the weakness of being dependent on your god (regardless of it being real or not).
Please don't misunderstand. I agree with having your own belief, as long as it is what you decided to believe in, not someone else decided for you.


Anyways the poem is decent. Shows ambition. The will to fight.
Setting that trust in any god, as long as the belief is strong enough one feels invincible. One won't give up no matter what. Which is a good thing! It's a good way to deal with problems.

The message of hope (which is what i mainly see in your poem) is probably the strongest emotion, so everyone should try to make use of it. Probably one of the reasons i come across many christian evolutionists?

This was a bit too short. Why not double it or something? I believe you can do it, keep focusing on the theme of hope, struggle and success!
19
19
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: E | (3.5)
You sound still quite optimistic in your poem.

Ever wondered why so many millions are kept locked away in few people's bank accounts? Money that doesn't circulate stagnates the economy.
Why do few work about 6 days in a row and get a crappy payment, while others can't find a job?
Wouldn't it make more sense if that work was split? Well of course this is hard to achieve for all private companies, but many could still be forced to do that.

Does it make any sense to have to work like a slave while others have a hard time to seek a job?
Maybe there are many hard working people, but what hard work could they do when there's no job to be found?


Many do about 12 hours a day and 5 days a week. Isn't that slavery? They also get minimum wage?
Is there a point in being hard working?

It seems like it's best to be a bankster and try to steal all the money you can get. T_T
20
20
Review of Temporal Suicide  
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Wish you would expand a bit more on this story and turn it into a full length or ordinary sized short story.

I'm mainly interested in the ending to see what really happened to him and the world. Of course you maybe want to leave that to the reader's imagination, but my curiosity is still way high to not request a longer version. Sometimes the reader wants to know what the writer actually thinks, regardless of whether he agrees or disagrees.

As an idea it's a simple one and commonly used, but it asks an important question (although often asked).
21
21
Review of Darkened Muse  
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Sort of reminds me of one of the X-Files episodes ... a writer that writes about some murder; he writes with so much passion, the murder becomes real.

Well this was a bit shocking at the end, but not because of the fantasy part, where writing becomes reality. It's because of the cannibal attitude towards the off-spring. As shocking as it was, it was also one of the things i might've read too often and repetition does decrease the appeal of the story for me at least. (sure there are some subjects i might never get bored of, but not this one)

The start was a bit slow. It felt sort of dull. Who cares the girl is sick lying in bed? The text doesn't really involve me to sympathize with the characters.


And when i compare this to what it reminds me most of (that X-files episode i just mentioned earlier) i sort of feel your story is somewhat dull and pales in comparison. Sure it may seem a bit unfair to compare the two, but i think you can still achieve better, everyone has what it takes, they just need to try harder.
It would be best to make it something less related to zombie/vampire/ghoul drama. It might make it more interesting, because those things are too often repeated.

I think there are different topics through which you could touch this "aspect" of turning writing to reality.
Well check the episode if you like. Maybe it inspires you:
series : X-Files
episode title : Milagro
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0751159/plotsummary
Most of all the ending of that episode was thought inspiring.


The rating is just my personal opinion about your story. I'm sorry, but it didn't live up to my expectations and it's not really my cup of tea ...
But i still think you might got what it takes, if you know what i mean.
22
22
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: E | (3.5)
people sure like to be very judgemental, full of prejudice and jump to quick to the wrong conclusions even in real life!

i think you've put out well enough this fact about the online flora in your story


well sadly games are often nothing more than a waste of time :/
WOW has lots of intolerant people, most are very young kids, unsupervised and uneducated by parents ... add to that the fact they are spoiled beyond belief by their parents

makes one wonder if there is any other reason to play an online game aside from PK-ing :D


I think there is more you could say about this topic. More detail about this part could be given:
"The next two hours are spent in whispers and private messages trying to explain, but to no avail. There is no quarter given. No apologies about misunderstanding. Just a lack of a guild and people to play the game with."

Because this was imo the essential bit!
23
23
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: E | (3.5)
people sure like to be very judgemental, full of prejudice and jump to quick to the wrong conclusions even in real life!

i think you've put out well enough this fact about the online flora in your story


well sadly games are often nothing more than a waste of time :/
WOW has lots of intolerant people, most are very young kids, unsupervised and uneducated by parents ... add to that the fact they are spoiled beyond belief by their parents

makes one wonder if there is any other reason to play an online game aside from PK-ing :D
24
24
Review of Leap  
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
very emotional and dramatic, the way you intended it to be i guess ...

but it's not very clear what is going on with the girl
it's not clear enough what affected her to be so emotionally stimulated


i don't understand why this is in parts, i don't see any real disconnection between the two pieces
25
25
Review by Voodoo Shampoo
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Don't see why females get that special genetic "attention" in this story. Needless attention to some extent.

There is no planet with gravity too high to allow birds to show up and fly ...
Both evolution and god would find a way around it. (whichever you prefer)

Why did the villagers need to get stunned before they get beamed?

Add more color descriptions. It helps. Your characters are in some sort of jungle, o add some description about the plants it can be amazing.


The idea itself is good. I am not sure i understand the ending ...
33 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 2 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/voodooshampoo