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Review by Voxxylady
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi *Smile*

This is a lovely emotional piece, and I hope you did share this with your daughter.

I think it could use some filling in, rounding out the details better, adding a bit more imagery.

The second stanza seems to jump away from the first one; they don't roll into each other well. I'm not a poetry expert, but I think the tones are just too different. Maybe change "There you are" with something more descriptive?

Also, the mixture of language styles throws us. Using both "you" and "thee" creates two different styles. I would keep it either romantic or casual, but not both.

Of course, experimentation is a wonderful thing, too. Just sharing a few thoughts. *Flower2*

Welcome to writing.com!

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Review of We Must Be Bold  
Review by Voxxylady
Rated: E | (5.0)

Beautiful *Smile*

Our constitution doesn't prevent us from showing our religion; it says that we can! We are a nation founded on our Faith. If our foundation falters, so do we. Religious tolerance is a wonderful thing, but it can't be one-sided or it destroys itself.

No critiques on the writing. Very nice.

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Review by Voxxylady
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is wonderful!

I have no critique to give here; unusual for me and my particularness.

Just wanted to say I enjoyed it. *Flower2*

Created by a friend and transformed.
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Review by Voxxylady
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi *Smile*

I like the imagery of this poem and I know the feeling exactly!

Just a couple of comments:

The last line in your first stanza doesn't have the same fluid motion of the rest of the poem. Maybe you could rephrase it?

my imagination is working overtime tonight;

-- I think a period might be better here than a semicolon.

I am afraid... of things

-- There should be a space after afraid, also. *Smile*

as I lay there waiting.

-- Shouldn't this be "lie" instead of "lay" as you did in the other lines? *Wink*

As always, although it's been a while, I enjoyed reading your work. Good luck!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

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Review of K'neto's Hotline  
Review by Voxxylady
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey Kneto,

I'm giving you a 5.0 rating on your phone line forum because it's always so friendly and welcoming, and it's such a creative way to host a forum.

Your contest is also creative and fun. I'm hoping by making this review public that a few more people will take advantage of your extended deadline. Good luck with it!

Sending a few gps in support of the contest and as a way to say Happy Birthday!

Created by a friend and transformed.
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Review of Poker Face  
Review by Voxxylady
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Sandman *Smile*

You have an interesting story here. I was drawn to it by the folder name and item description.

I like the way you quickly developed your characters, but I think we could stand to see a bit more from them. Other than Susan's smoking, we don't see any personality traits. Does one of them fidget or tap the cards against the table to annoy the others? Any little detail like that will help draw us in to who they are inside. Maybe one eats only junk food and another only veggies.

The other thing I noticed is that there is no character growth. The situation changes at the end but your protagonist doesn't. It just stops, as if there should be more. How do the events change him?

Your actual writing of the story is professional, as far as spelling, punctuation, and grammar. I found one typo: dealt was missing the "a" but otherwise, a clean write. *Smile*

A formatting tip: it's easier to read stories here on the site if you will double-space between your paragraphs. It makes it easier on the eyes online. *Wink*

Write On!

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Review by Voxxylady
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent article!

When I started putting my web site together, I went to free use image sites and linked to them, but found it limiting and redundant. So I began making my own. Now I have only my own images on my site other than site link logos. I always hope they won't be copied for use elsewhere without permission. I wouldn't want my writing stolen, either, especially since I'm working so hard to try to get recognition/payment for my hard work!

Do you mind if I post the link to this article in my journal here on the site?

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Review by Voxxylady
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi *Smile*

I see that you're just starting this novel, so it's most likely a first draft, right? I thought I would leave a few comments to think about as you continue writing and then return to edit.

First paragraph:

It was 3 p.m. on Thursday night; Andréa pulled the tickets out of the top drawer of her desk and looked for the departure time. The plane leaves at 7:20 p.m. She had to pack her suitcase being she is leaving that night. She went to the closet in the guest bedroom adjacent to the bedroom at the end of the hall. She rummaged around for a minute, pulling things out, finally spotted her suitcase and hauled it out along with a smaller bag for toiletries.

1- Don't start a story with "It was..." Instead, begin with action or intense thoughts/emotion in order to pull the reader in from the beginning.

2- "The plane leaves..." switches from past tense in the rest of the paragraph to present tense. Make sure to choose only one and stick with it throughout your novel. "She had to pack her suitcase being she is leaving that night." This also flips from past to present. Choose a different phrasing than "being she is leaving." Because she was leaving... would be grammatically correct, or better, refer to the point below.

3- Telling us the exact times really isn't necessary here. Maybe just give us her thoughts about how much time she has.

4- Paragraph 2 begins with two sentence fragments in a row. You really need a subject for both.

5- After reading through the first chapter, we know what it's like to be late for a flight, if we didn't already, but we know nothing at all about your pov character or her boyfriend. We don't know why she's going on a flight, and honestly, we don't care because she doesn't matter to us. Your first chapter, and preferably, your first paragraph, needs to really tell us something about this person to make us care about whatever she's doing. A story is nothing without characters, and good stories have deep characters. We know their wants, needs, dreams, and even little habits that drives others crazy. Not all of this should come out in the first paragraph, but at least enough to make us care about why she's late and where she's going.

6- Also, watch the cliches and adverbs. "Dripping with sarcasm" is overused and weakens the story. "tardy woman running and yelling" is redundant. We already know she's tardy. "immediately buckled herself in" could give way to a more descriptive phrase without the adverb. Maybe "shoving the seatbelt buckle into the latch..." would work, or something similar. We know she's doing it immediately because we're following her actions.

7- In your last paragraph, you briefly switch to the flight attendant's point of view. POV switches should only be made during chapter or section breaks.

Most of writing is rewriting. *Smile* Have fun with your revisions as well as with your original drafts!

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Review of Nature's Gifts  
Review by Voxxylady
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi *Smile*

I agree with what you're saying about nature bringing peace! Gardening has become my favorite relaxation/rejuvenation technique, well, after swimming.

Anyway, I think what you're missing is concrete imagery. There is no description of what you see, feel, etc. while you're out within the trees and under the skies. Your second stanza is a bit too cliche and saying that poetry can describe it, but then not actually describing it in the poem throws us.

Also, sometimes a poem will read better when you leave out extraneous words, such as:

I lift my head up to the skies

"up" isn't necessary here, since "lift" gives the same image, and maybe raise would be better than lift?

"The" can often be left out, also.

Try playing with stronger words that will create more vivid descriptions. How does your skin feel when the sun touches it? Is the wind cool on your cheek or warm? Details like these put the reader inside your poem.

You do have a nice feel for rhythm. *Smile*

Keep at it!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

I made this one to put on my message board in tribute to our Veterans.
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Review of A Desert Oasis  
Review by Voxxylady
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi *Smile*

This story is well-written. The dialogue is good, as is the description. It's easy to read.

Technically, I'm not finding much to critique. I do think you might want to use a different wording than "crocodile tears" since that is too cliche, and in the next to last paragraph, "Daddy" shouldn't be capitalized. Also, there should be a comma in "I'm fine, sweetie." But otherwise, it's very grammatically sound. *Smile*

What does bother me is that there is no character growth. No one changes. No revelation is made. We are told the wife is manipulative and get just a glimpse of how she is, but we're also told that the child is the only person he's ever loved, which makes us think maybe she has a reason to be manipulative, if he married her without loving her. We don't get inside of him well enough to feel sympathy. I'm left thinking, okay, she's a bad housekeeper, but did the guy marry her just to have a maid and a mother for his child? It seems like there should be much more revealed because being a bad housekeeper doesn't justify being unloved.

It's fine if you're creating a character who did marry just to be taken care of, but in every story, there needs to be some kind of growth. Maybe let us know that he was in love with her but because of certain things, he no longer does, or that she changed after having a child, which changed him, or whatever the point is that you're trying to make. I would suggest it be more than just lack of housework, though. I've done 70 hour weeks, plus housework and child care, so his 60 hour weeks don't garnish enough sympathy to be worth his misery. Manipulation would be acceptable, but then, focus on that instead.

I think once you include character growth, you'll have a great story. *Smile*

Welcome to writing.com!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
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Review by Voxxylady
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi *Smile*

This is a gorgeous sketch! I love the blue light streaks amidst the black and white. I can actually see this character's personality in his face and it has wonderful detail. Very nice work!

Always nice to "meet" another writer-artist. *Bigsmile*

Created by a friend and transformed.
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Review by Voxxylady
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi *Smile* I'm here in behalf of the "Invalid Item

This is very original! I'm giving you points for originality and some great humor. However, I think during your high school career, you should focus on grammar and spelling. *Wink* You're young; you have plenty of time to do so. Don't leave it to editors. You're much more impressive as a writer if you know your writing basics.

Okay, on to the nuts and bolts:

-- their, not thier! I before E except after C, and in the word "their" *Bigsmile* Isn't English fun?

-- This is quite a lovely site here isn't it?
A good general rule for commas: use them whenever you would naturally have a slight pause when speaking. In this case, after "here": "lovely site here, isn't it?"
Many people cringe at comma usage, but this little rule will help you out. I won't list all of the places that need commas, since I do have to get to work some time today *Wink*, but try reading it out loud if you need to find them.

-- but in todays country
You need an apostrophe in today's, since you are using it as a possessive here. General rule of thumb: possessives take apostrophes, plurals don't. Exception: "its" is a possessive - no apostrophe, because "it's" is a contraction meaning it is.

-- everything stays "politically correct".
Place the period inside the quotation marks!
"politically correct."
This is an extremely common mistake, but it is a grammatical error. You put the question mark outside the quotations, but the period inside.

-- akward
Awkward is the correct spelling. A very awkward little word, I think.

-- Freshman in High School
None of these words need to be capitalized. *Wink*

-- ironics You mean ironies.

-- histerical -> hysterical

-- appropriete -> appropriate

-- give me a little leverage here
Do you mean leeway? Maybe check the dictionary to be sure you have the word you want.

-- by saying "That was good"
Another comma usage situation: by saying, "That was good."

-- Another general rule: it's usually best to spell out numbers under 100. That rule varies depending on what you're writing, but in literature, that's the most-suggested rule. Journalists tend not to, since they are trying to conserve space.

Well, I'll agree about the 3.5, but much of the reason it's not higher is because of grammatical issues. I would suggest using a word program with a spelling/grammar check. Having it turned on while you're typing is a good way to catch immediate mistakes and learn from them.

Keep writing! You've got a good start, and I always appreciate a great sense of humor.

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Review by Voxxylady
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice commentary!

I'm a baseball fan, not of the pro baseball scene, but of baseball itself. I love going to watch my son play and not care if they lose 8-1, as long as he gets to play. It's hard to find even a little league team, though, that doesn't focus mostly on the winning. Sad, but yes, typical of our culture.

A few technical things:

--"hardest thing to do on earth was to hit"
This should be "is" instead of "was" since he meant that it didn't use to be the hardest thing, but that it "is" the hardest thing...

--"Other’s say"
No comma is needed in "others" since it is not a possessive.

--"the fans we’re returning"
No comma in were, either - that makes it a contraction of we are.

--"Many fans who had sworn Major League Baseball off forever..."
I think this should be "Many fans who had sworn off Major League Baseball forever..."

--"performance enhanced homeruns"
Add a hyphen for better clarity: performance-enhanced home runs" (home runs is two words, not one)

--You make the point that the paycheck is the root cause of the steroid scandal, but you never explain that statement.

Overall, this is a very readable piece with good structure and some great thoughts. *Smile*

Created by a friend and transformed.
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Review by Voxxylady
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Very intense and very original. One to stop and think about and re-read.

The last lines in the second and last stanzas throw me just a bit with the rhythm, but I have no other comments.

This is a port I need to dwell inside longer.

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Review by Voxxylady
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi! The description line for this piece drew me in - "Our feet are touching... "

This is a nice read, with good flow and characterization. I enjoyed the voice of the narrators and the dialogue is used well. It kept my interest all the way through and now I have to go read the next chapter. *Smile*

I was going to mention the grammar, but as it's your second language and you know it needs work, I think you're doing great.

Welcome to writing.com! Keep up the great work. *Bigsmile*

Created by a friend and transformed.
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Review by Voxxylady
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hi,

This is a very nice emotional piece. You pull us in well and there are a lot of subtle ironies that really add to the story. I like your use of words and description and it's very well written.

Just a couple of minor things:

Sometime later I find them
-- The reader is unsure here what "them" refers to. My first thought was socks which left the next sentence confusing, until I kept reading and figured out it referred to dishes.

Even the haze seeping out the oven
-- I would say "seeping out of the oven" for better flow.

peck on the cheek or forehead… by then
-- Add a space before the ellipses, also: forehead ... by then

Overall, it's a beautiful read. *Smile* Write on!

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Review of Strobes  
Review by Voxxylady
Rated: E | (4.5)

First, welcome to writing.com! Hope you'll like it here *Smile*

I'm giving you points for doing what is rarely done in fiction, since it's so hard to do well; using second person pov. I think you did a nice job with it, considering the challenge. However, I did find it hard to really get pulled in to the story because I didn't relate quite well enough. I think this works best for a limited audience, those for whom the scenario fits. For the first half of it or so, I kept wishing I had a character to follow.

On the other hand, I like how you say what you say and it is completely believable and well written. I caught only a couple of minor grammar/editing issues and the transitions are subtle enough to blend the scenes together but strong enough that we don't get lost. Nice job.

Grammar:
calling her sons name should be son's with an apostrophe

how to tell you this… but There should also be a space before the ellipses: this ... but

A formattting tip: it's much easier to read pieces here on the site if you leave a space in between each paragraph. *Smile*

Overall, I think it's definitely worth reading and by the time I got to the end, I was impressed with the story and all it contains. Hope you'll be adding more to your port soon!

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Review of My Favorite Quote  
Review by Voxxylady
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi! Congrats on the contest win *Smile* This is one of my favorite quotes, too. Nicely written and very expressive!

One thing:

That would bring a label to my teacher’s file with words like: “anti-social”, “not a team player”, “resistive”.

The commas and period should go inside the quotations, not outside:
"anti-social," "not a team player," "resistive."

Write On!

I made this one to put on my message board in tribute to our Veterans.
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Review by Voxxylady
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent article!

I agree with your points and the structure of the piece is very strong and grammatically sound.

Oh, the one thing I disagree with is that not all Florida voters are hated - only the ones who don't have a clue what they are doing or why they are voting the way they are, other than because someone told them to. Well, that's anywhere, not just in Florida *Wink* I believe that everyone qualified should vote, but only after they have studied the issues instead of just listening to the campaign rhetoric.

I do think the dead should NOT be able to vote this year, though. That would be nice, since it doesn't really affect them any more. And there shouldn't be a fight about not allowing absentee ballots this time, especially since most of them are military. Who, really, has more right to vote than they do?

Not undecided here.

I made this one to put on my message board in tribute to our Veterans.
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Review of "Moving On"  
Review by Voxxylady
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Jessica *Smile*

I'm giving you points for such good grammar and sentence structure at such a young age! The only technical comment I have is:

--tears that want to fall....that need to fall--

You need to add a space before and after the ellipses, and use only three:
"tears that want to fall ... that need to fall"
Do the same with the other two places that use ellipses *Smile*

I think you have some nice thoughts here that could be developed into a short story. You have me curious as to what happened and caring enough about this narrator to want a bit more.

I see a nice future for you in writing. Keep going!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

Created by a friend and transformed.
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Review of Gems of Creation  
Review by Voxxylady
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi *Smile*

You have a good voice for imagery - your fantasy world is rendered nicely and without struggle.

My biggest comment is that you need to fix your POV. It jumps back and forth between distant third (as a narrator), to Bren's, and to Tera's, with nothing separating it. Multiple POV is okay, but only if you keep one per section/chapter. This is very common in newer writers and easy to fix once you realize you're doing it. *Smile* Decide who should be telling the story and let the description and thoughts come only from that character.

A few technical things:

--For weeks he had been traveling. The going was difficult because he has to gather information as he went.--

You're mixing tenses. Change "has" to "had" *Wink*

--He knew that his mount would not talk back that was impossible.--

This is a run-on sentence. Either add a period or a semi-colon after "back."

--Few dared enter these sacred lands, even less escaped.--

It should be "even fewer escaped" since you are talking about live beings. If you don't want the repetition, try "Not many dared enter..."

--“You needn’t ask Beaue.”--

Since she's talking TO Beaue here, you need a comma after "ask" to let the reader know it's a form of address and that she's not saying that Beaue doesn't need to be asked.

*Balloon3* Overall, you have a great start, with some beautiful description and word use. Keep on with it!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

Created by a friend and transformed.
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Review by Voxxylady
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, justturtle recommended this piece, so thought I'd drop in.

Very imaginative! And funny, too *Smile*

--“Cause if they did, don’t you think Mom would have come up to me one day and said. ‘We need to have a little talk. One day your head is going to pop off, and I’d like you to be ready so that you’ll know what to do.’? I could really use that talk right about now.”--

The punctuation needs a bit of work here. "...and said, 'We.... what to do'? ..."

Otherwise, well written with good grammar, spelling, etc.

Worth reading for a good giggle!

Created by a friend and transformed.
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Review by Voxxylady
Rated: E | (4.5)
I also keep my "ears" open and whenever someone mentions writing, that they do or want to, I refer them here and specifically to my port as an example. *Wink* I recently am taking a characterization class (free at www.bn.com) and when I read someone talking there about wanting feedback, I gave them my link. So far, only the personal invitations have led to sign-ups, as well as thank-yous for referring them, but you never know!

Another idea is to create your own business cards with your port address. People very often ask for a phone number, so when someone needs mine, I write it on the back of my business card. *Smile*

Created by a friend and transformed.
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Review of The Last Page (1)  
Review by Voxxylady
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi, my first thought is that this character doesn't grab me soon enough. I'm not sure why I should care about her and don't have enough conflict to pull me in long enough to make me buy it if I were skimming it at a book store. The first paragraph is a bit too distant from the reader. Pull us in sooner. Make us immediately care about this character.

She was smiling as she approached the table and when she sat down, the look on the man’s face returned to the mask of contentment that had been there just minutes before.
This is confusing. I thought it was the main character you were referring to, but it turned out in the next paragraph that it was just some woman she was watching.

But the young man she was presently looking at was different from anyone else that had ever attracted her attention during her tenure at The Cove (the nickname that many people had given the place).
I think describing The Cove earlier, naming it during the description, would give us a better grasp about where she is. "The place" - what is the place? Where are we? We need something to ground us. Later, we find that it's a coffee shop, but we still have no idea what it looks like. Is it elegant, casual, filled with young talkative people or older more conservative types? Describe it.

“Hi, Karen. It’s me.” She moaned and walked back into the kitchen upon hearing her father’s voice.
Why? So far we have no idea why she would moan at her father's voice, and there is no clue here to tell us, either. If you want to save that until later, that's great, too, but maybe consider giving us a bit of a hint. There is more of the conflict later in the chapter, but the reader is still lost. Conflicts between fathers and daughter are normal. Why should we care about this one?

I think the biggest thing you might want to work on is character development - in depth. The story apparently revolves around Karen, but by the end of the chapter, we still don't really have much insight into who she is. More dialogue could help; interaction between her and others can help define her. And I think there is too much all at once. Spread it out and slow it down with details and scenery.

Keep at it! I think the character that's in your head is deep enough to pull us in if she'll allow. *Wink*

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Review by Voxxylady
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good question. I have several items with a lot of views but no ratings and I have to wonder if they are really that bad. There are two situations in which I don't rate something I read: 1) if I honestly can't find promise in it because I can't possibly say that to someone, or 2) if it is much longer than I expected and I don't have time at the moment. Otherwise, I try to do even a quick review if I can't do more. Or I bookmark it to go back to read later.

Hmm ... I can hope that's what others are doing with mine when they don't rate, right??? *Wink*

By the way, I gave this a 4.5 instead of a 5.0 because my answer is actually two of them listed: I usually do, but sometimes I don't because I'd rather not give a review than to not be able to say something good about it. But that's pretty rare.
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