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I found this on the review request page. You mentioned it was a character sketch, but it's marked as a short story. I'm not sure which it's supposed to be.
The writing is very nice; smooth and easy to read and the purposeful repetition works well to promote the idea of the drudgery. What I notice most, though, is that I don't find a reason to care about this character. Without it, I had a hard time continuing and found myself skimming to find the "point" or the "why" -- and I didn't. Why should we care about this character enough to care about what happens to him?
Also, it switched pov suddenly to his wife, which throws a reader. Is it about him or about his wife? I'm not real sure by the end. Most stories of this size are better from one pov instead of switching, and if you switch, it has to be sectioned with some kind of spacing or *** or something. And there has to be something to pull both sections together so there is a purpose for the switched pov.
I think you potentially have a story here, but why is this guy different than Joe Schmoe who does the same thing? You need a hook. Why did he finally get obsessed with death? The reason could be the hook maybe.
Keep going! You definitely have the "voice" of a writer.
This is a beautiful insight piece about the decision artists must make to allow themselves to be artists in a business world.
I'm not a big fan of works starting out with "There is" or "It was" but it works okay. It could be a bit stronger leading with thoughts instead of a telling statement. That could be more personal preference than anything that needs to be changed, though.
Hi Your description pulled me in, since I'm a Meatloaf fan.
You've done a nice entwining his lines with yours and telling a story with it. Most of it reads very well and has some nice word play.
There were a few things I saw you might want to look at again:
-- If you use punctuation, make sure you follow periods with capital letters and questions with question marks.
-- "or do we lose what we’ve got?"
This doesn't quit fit. You might consider reconstructing it to help the flow.
-- "deny all that we know."
Leave "that" out; it's not needed, sounds better without it, and "that" should always be excluded when possible.
-- "but it’s a bundle of lies."
You might use "though" instead of "but it's" in order to have less repitition of the work "it" in this stanza and smooth the sentence.
-- Your second to last stanza feels forced. It's full of fragments and incorrect punctuation that makes it hard to read, and "regret it after" looks tacked on only for the sake of rhyme.
Overall, you have a nice piece with potential; it's lyrical-sounding to go with the lines from the song and you're capturing something I imagine a lot of people have felt while on the dance floor, literally or figuratively.
There is a beauty in this that will touch every reader, whether or not we have been there yet. Although I rarely enjoy rhyming poetry, this one does it well so it doesn't feel forced for the most part. It gives it a lightweight feel even through the emotional subject and provides a nice balance.
A few things caught my attention:
The last line of the second stanza doesn't quite fit. You might consider reworking the rhythm of it.
Third stanza: Black and white photo of me as a kid—
Child might sound better here than kid, since it's a more formal poem or at least more formal scene and kids feels anachronistic somehow.
My great grandmother’s christening gown,
This line also feels a couple of syllables short.
Remembering all the things she’d done and said.
I would leave out "the things" since it throws the rhythm and isn't necessary.
This made me wish I had started doing what the mother had done from the first days!
The imagery in this poem is vivid and dramatic, the words chosen well to reflect and emphasize the mood. I also like the way the "pieces" of the poem mingle together while not quite being whole and yet somehow create a whole, echoing the kaleidoscope itself. Nicely done.
A couple of thoughts:
Your first sentence sounds like a fragment and I think it's because of the way it's separated. If "blackened" were moved up with "The sky" it might sound more like a verb than an adjective. Or since "roiling clouds" is stronger than the "the sky" maybe start with that: Roiling clouds/ blackened the sky/
In the second stanza, "it was rare" doesn't fit with "ever since that day" which is what it's actually modifying. It should be Ever since that day ... it has been rare. Also, there should be a comma after sun since you are correctly punctuating the rest. (I tend to avoid punctuation in poetry as much as possible but it should be one way or the other.)
You start out the poem in past tense and move into present. I'm not sure if this was on purpose but it's a bit awkward. The last two sentences use both past and present tense. It should be lowered/realized there were or lower/realize there are.
Overall, it's a nice, thoughtful piece that makes us reread and ponder.
Because of severe time restraints, there are only three blogs I keep up with regularly (although many more I wish I could keep up with). This is one of them, for so many reasons.
You say so many things I need to hear or enjoying laughing at or thinking about.
I just wanted to give your "desk" a quick rating because you have your portfolio set up so beautifully! It's quite enjoyable simply browsing your folder headings and descriptions. I love the way everything matches and reflects the writer behind the desk.
Hello! This is another review for the port raid you won in
"Invalid Item"
The lasagna theme is very strong in this piece and seems to be the "heart" of it. You might want to reorganize and bring that up sooner, maybe even start with it somehow, and keep the essay tighter that way. I know it's marked as a short story, but it reads as an essay, so I'm not real sure which it is. A "story" needs a climax and denouement and I don't see either here, only what sounds like relationship advice with a nice catch theme.
Technical issues:
-- There are quite a few little typos such as "so" instead of "do" that are easy to catch on a read-through.
-- I stared at the computer screen
Since the piece is present tense, you want to say "I stare..." instead.
-- what ever it was
whatever should be one word
-- Two people, small kitchen with an impossible layout: It is a one person kitchen. But we can
It would not be capitalized here since it is the same sentence. Better might be... "Two people in a small one person kitchen, we can still..."
I like the conversational tone that sounds friendly and open, like a good friend chatting with another about how the relationship works. The advice offered is definitely worth offering, but I think it could be stronger with some work on the structure. If it's a story, give us a bit of conflict and then work it out. If it's meant as an essay, consider remarking it as such.
The thoughts behind it make it a pleasant read and examples of positive relationships are always nice to see.
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Hello! This is another review for the port raid you won in
"Invalid Item"
This is a nice glimpse into Rose's life but I'm left wondering what I'm supposed to take from it. I like the metaphor with the flowers and the circle. The relationship between the two is well-developed for such a short piece; nice job with characterization. However, in the space of a short story, there should be some "why" at the end: what changed, who grew in some way, what message can we take with us?
A few things you might consider:
-- "It had been" is not generally the best way to open a story. It's passive and marks that you're starting with a kind of flashback of sorts instead of pulling the reader in to the direct action right away. Maybe start with Rose saying something to Jimmy and realizing he's not there.
-- Instead of jumping back and forth in time, you could also rearrange and start with the planting day and move into the present.
-- The comment about her not liking her name is random. Something should lead into that so it doesn't sound like nothing more than a set-up for Jimmy's lines.
-- The daffodil connection should also be substantiated so it doesn't come from nowhere. Why daffodils when her name is Rose? I never understand that.
-- "That was how her daughter found her" throws us out of Rose's pov at the last moment. Consider leading us where you want us to go while staying with Rose's thoughts instead.
I can easily see these characters in something more fully developed, as they seem clear in your mind and important to you. I'm seeing a good knack for characterization in your work.
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Hello! This is a review for the port raid you won in
"Invalid Item"
I love the way you're weaving in stories from the past with the present, relating metaphors and so on. This is a nice story so far and yes, I think you should continue. Maybe organize a bit more during your rewrite, focusing on pov and working the backstory in with the present action more in order to prevent jumping back and forth.
A few detail things to think about:
Be careful about adverbs. You begin your story, "Angel carefully hung..." and while it gives us a sense of scene, it would be stronger if you gave us vivid details about how she is being careful instead of saying she is. Also, I would cut down on the repetition of "more so than" because it slows the scene. "More than" by itself works well enough. You could maybe break up the sentence to add a different structure to part of it and create a smoother feel.
A stranger walking by the bright yellow Victorian house with the white wrap around porch over looking the ocean would have seen a woman...
-- It looks like you're using third person distant/omniscient pov, although in the first paragraph, I had the feeling it would be close third. When you do this, you don't need to say "a stranger would have seen" ... just tell us what the narrator sees. Rosamunde Pilcher does this well, as an example. Or Mark Twain.
-- Try not to use "just" or "that" where they aren't absolutely necessary.
her self --> herself wooded rockers --> wooden rockers
retrieved her coffee mug and drank deeply
-- Delete the adverb: and swallowed/gulped/guzzled/drained
Angel was one of those fortunate children who grow up
-- Keep your tenses consistent: children who grew up
She grew up with the dreams only a princess can have.
-- This line sounds cliche and throws us out of the action.
Over the years, her voice, coming to mean food, those same two head would pop up and the same two geese would quickly swim over for the food they knew she’d have.
-- This is confusing. Maybe: Over the years, her voice came to mean food and the geese would swim over to meet her. (Since you're already talking specifically about two geese, you don't have to tell us it's the same two. You also don't have to repeat that they were coming for food because we can infer that from the first part of the sentence.)
They would mate for life. They made a life long commitment to each other.
-- These sentences say the same thing. Use one or the other. life long --> lifelong
She was told that if he couldn’t fly away this fall..
-- Leave off "this fall": it's not necessary and the present tense conflicts with the rest of the story.
The ringing phone startled Angel from her reverie. Walking inside the airy entry foyer and walking across the wide planked floors to the kitchen, Angel answered the phone.
-- Using "phone" twice so closely together is awkward. There are several other places in the story where you do the same, so you might want to be careful of that. In the second sentence, leave out the second "walking" to avoid repetition.
I'm interested in where it's going and wondering if it's going to stay a short story or become a novel/novella since you seem to have more than one story line evolving.
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As a grammar fanatic, I love this poll! I'm guilty of being a commaphiliac. It was so drummed into our heads during English classes that it seems very "wrong" not to have them where we were told they have to be. Of course, I feel quite the opposite when it comes to poetry. I think commas should be quite sparse in poetry, as should other punctuation.
Many don't agree with me about the poetry, according to reviews. At least I'm in the majority here!
Since this is marked as a first draft of an in-progress story, I'll only make a few general comments.
I think you have a nice start here. There is a lot of action that gives us an idea of what's going on with your main character and it leads into some nice dialogue mixed with inner thoughts that helps us further know him and care about what's happening with him.
A few suggestions to consider for your eventual editing process:
First, grab us at the beginning. Your "everything is cheery and normal" opening is not going to hold readers as well as if you start with the main action and crux of the problem. Throw out your first three paragraphs and mix that information in later, throughout the story. You don't need it here.
Also, make sure it's believable. Can a kid actually kick down a door? I ask because when my little one locked herself accidently in her room, I found it rather impossible to get it open (until I went through her window and took out the hinges). If there was some flaw that allowed a kid to do this, let us know, or maybe it had started to warp with the heat? Let us know that, then. If something doesn't make sense to a reader, you'll throw him out of the trance you're trying to create.
Make sure to keep the same tense all the way through: now I was downstairs
-- Your story is in past tense. Using "now" throws us off. You could say, "Then I was downstairs..." or something similar.
Be aware that your character, with the way he describes the girls first by their looks, is coming off as fairly shallow. If that's what you intend, that's fine. All characters need faults, but be sure it's intentional.
I'm a little unsure how old this character is. He seems to be in college but a little more clarification would help us be more fully in the story.
Details. While editing, remember details are important. Instead of saying he went into class, tell us which class. It may not matter to the story, but it helps create a more realistic and clear picture.
You have me interested. It appears to be a psychological story, at least in part, and I'm wondering how it all relates. Nice job with that.
Instead of reading two or three poems and rating separately, I decided to peruse most of the poems in this folder and comment on them as a whole body of work.
I was pulled into this folder because I find it interesting to read a man's writing that is meant to be from a woman's pov. Theodore Dreiser did it well with his novels and it always impresses me when it works, or even when there is an attempt. I appreciate you sharing your view with us.
Apart from the actual review, I have to say many women are absolutely not obsessed with marriage. In fact, fewer and fewer of us believe in it as time passes, for many of the reasons that come out in your poems.
I'm not reviewing your viewpoint, however, only the writing:
The thing that stands out the most is the rhyme. I tend to like free verse better than rhyming schemes, so forgive me if I sound a bit biased, but rhyming schemes can be quite effective if not forced. I felt a lot of force in most of the poems; line structures that sounded odd because they had to fit the rhyme. I'm an EE Cummings fan and like odd structures that are done with an artistic purpose, but I didn't get that here. Much of it read as though you pushed words where they shouldn't be for the sake of rhyme only. They felt stilted and stiff and I had to stop and think about what the lines were actually saying.
There was also a poem that had an explanation following it. Poetry should stand on its own. I understood what you were saying without the explanation, so it wasn't necessary. Not everyone will understand every poem. That's fine. It's those who do understand and are touched by your words who are your target audience. Let them stand alone.
I did enjoy many of the thoughts you had and I would like to see what you would do with free verse that would restrict you less and allow your lines to flow more smoothly. I also give you credit for attempting emotional poetry from the pov of the opposite sex; not an easy thing.
A small tip: Time is not necessarily a woman's biggest need from her spouse/partner. Knowing she is wanted (not needed -- that's different) and respected has more value than spending token time with her. That's how she defines love.
This poem has lovely imagery that balances well with the sad, intense emotions. It also offers a unique point of view and subtle rhymes that blend instead of being forced. Nicely written.
I can easily see this being studied and debated as to its inner meaning and what we can learn from it: a wonderful quality for a poem.
The end could maybe use ... something. It doesn't feel like it's the end but rather that it simply stopped. Is there another verse you could add to round it? Or maybe that was the desired effect. Poetry is so subjective it's hard to say whether it would be stronger or weaker with more.
I enjoy getting to know you through your blog and reading your thoughts. It's such a nice mixture of personal and worldly, serious and humorous/humourous.
This is a great quiz! It's fun, with well-rounded answers and seems to be fairly accurate from what I've read around blogville today. Providing images to show our results is a nice touch.
You started the 'review the bloggers' movement for me this weekend, so you get to be first.
This is truly beautiful. It reads as a mix of prose and poetry, of nature and philosophy. With so few words, it carries so much thought.
I do have a couple of suggestions:
"...I am but a lump of rock, imperfect, cracked and rough..."
-- I would use a semi-colon after rock to show that the following descriptions are pertaining to the rock metaphor. It's a matter of opinion which to use, but this way lump of rock seems to be part of the series instead that which is being modified.
"...I don’t know what."
-- The rest of the prose is poetic and flowing, but this throws it a bit. Maybe it could be reworded?
I love the literal bouncing back and forth of the serious side to the fun side and back again, and the way the last four lines of each stanza expand rhymically into what you're saying.
Along with this, there are deep meanings to ponder and they all work together in a fluid motion and a nice message.
I can't find any criticisms, which is rare for me.
I like the imagery in this; I can see him standing out there surveying what he has done and feel his pride that comes from hard work.
I wonder if you've thought about making it all from his point of view and telling us only his thoughts instead of using a narrative voice? At the end you flip from narrative to first person. I like the narrative; it has a smooth feel that echoes the flow of his well-maintained crops, but switching to first person jars me a bit.
You wouldn't have to tell us he is feeling proud since that comes out with his thoughts; maybe think about cutting down that line to make it tighter.
I came looking for a bit of your screenwriting, which I didn't find, but I found this short story.
You have two colorful and charming characters here who have my interest. That's a big plus to me. I am captured by them and would love to hear more of their story. The details are great; I could see where they were and what they were doing well enough, and the dialogue worked well in emphasizing their personalities. It's a very clever story, or at least the main scene is very clever.
I have one big suggestion that would help the reader be much more drawn in: watch your POV. The actions flits back and forth between Thomas' pov and Sonya's, but it doesn't have a narrator's voice, either. We're not sure who is telling the story and that is distracting. It seems to be Thomas' story, in general, and I think it would be much stronger if you kept everything only from what he sees and thinks. Show us Sonya's thoughts only from her dialogue and the actions Thomas can see. Or make it from Sonya's pov instead, but don't use both.
It's also confusing to give us the first two paragraphs in the present and then to jump directly to the past with no clue you're about to do so. You might either work into letting us know he's doing something while beginning to think of his past (which tends to still throw readers out of the story) or start in the past and then lead up to the present. I think there is much more to say here.
One element often neglected in short stories is growth. Someone needs to grow or change in some way, learn a lesson, figure something out that affects the rest of his/her life, or see something in a different manner. There has to be growth of some kind. Thomas has an enormous potential for growth, but he doesn't get there. An apology or feeling sorry for her changes nothing. We need him to change. Or we need her to change to be able to put up with him. Someone has to change in some way for us to be satisfied with the end.
Like Thomas, this story has much potential and much charm. I would love to see what actually happens with these two.
This is one of the most creative uses of poetry I've seen on this site. You get a 5.0 for that alone. However, I like your poem story even without the additional lyrics and think it could work as well with references instead of the whole songs.
A couple of technical details:
While being of marriage age, in fasion.
You mean "in fashion" correct?
Or gray hair that think you see,
Or gray hair you think you see?
I love the way you choose your words and come up with creative phrases to make the style your own and interesting for the reader.
Hi I found this in the For Authors newsletter and had to stop in.
This is a nice reminder to look inside for our spiritual selves that has such an effect on the rest of our selves. I agree that we need to honor and nourish that, whatever form it might take. I have several of those places around my house that are filled with things that matter to me.
I'm not commenting on grammar/spelling because I didn't find anything about which to comment.
This is the second thing I've read this morning here about cleaning and organizing. I think maybe it's a clue as to what I should be doing today.
Lauren Gale, Wow, I'm impressed! These are all such wonderful drawings, with vivid detail and nice proportion; quite life-like. I especially love the baby. There is a lot of nice artwork on the site, but yours is among the best I've seen.
I may have to go back and rate each individually, also, but this folder needed another 5-star rating.
I love the guitar also, so had to stop in and read your poem (nice list of faves in your bio block).
Writing about music isn't easy, I think, and I like how you point out that it takes you out of current time.
You might want to think about restructuring your sentences to place emphasis more where you want it. In poetry, also, complete sentences aren't necessary and sometimes the flow is nicer with fragments of thoughts and ideas that don't sound quite so conventional.
For instance: The guitar solo is few moments where time stands still.
"The guitar solo is" sounds very structured, whereas guitar solos may be structured, but the better ones don't sound structured. Try writing your poem in the way you would play a solo ... experiment with different forms of the line until you get a nice rhythm and flow with emphasis in the appropriate places.
For this line, you could consider breaking the thought into more lines and expanding, such as:
Time stands still
My guitar steals the spotlight
For a few moments
I am king [borrowing a thought from your next line]
Short phrases and sentences and ideas can facilitate flow while placing emphasis and it still has a bit of a structured feel without sounding like an essay. Leave out unnecessary words and just highlight the ideas.
you own the stage and fan's attention
-- fan's written in this way means only one fan; since you mean more than one fan, I assume, use fans' instead ... same in the next line
worring --> worrying
there is two things --> incorrect subject/verb agreement; should be "there are two things"
and a magical, and majestic guitar solo
-- leave out either the comma or the "and" that follows the comma; you don't need both
Please note that the rating is not meant to be discouraging. Quite the opposite ... it's meant to say keep working at it! Read poetry to help find the feel of it. There are lots of wonderful poets on the site. My favorite professional poet is ee cummings, who would give you a better idea about playing with thoughts and ideas than I can.
Keep writing!
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At least I'm in the majority here!
