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I chose this to read because I adore water and fountains. I love the imagery displayed here ... I can see everything you describe even with the limited words. Very nice!
The only thing that slightly bothers me is having "tears" repeated at the end of two lines in a row. Maybe it could say the same thing but in slightly different wording? Just a personal opinion.
Now I want to go sit by a fountain and people watch!
This is a great way to make us stop and really think about whether we would want to exchange lives with characters we read about. It's a wonderful activity!
I can't say that I've read a character I want to be. I'm wondering now why I can't think of one. Hmmm...
I love the contrast of loud and quiet, the loud being inferred from the event and the quiet in the way it is described.
I had to think about the way you use: 's -- it bothered me at first, but after rereading it the second time, and then the third, it becomes a clever use of rhythm.
The imagery is exquisite and still understated, another wonderful contrast.
I can't find anything to critique.
** Reviewed as part of "Invalid Item" **
Good luck!
Wow, these are gorgeous Cnotes! From checking your website, I know you created the images instead of using clip art, and they are modestly priced. It's wonderful finding such original notes to give and I'm hoping you will add more as you find time.
I browsed through your prologue and first two chapters before responding to any of them individually. I did this because the description on chapter 2 says you are finally introducing the main character.
Just a suggestion here, but I think I would use this as your prologue, as it draws the reader in more, and use ch 2 as your first chapter. I'm not sure the prologue is necessary, as you can slide any of that info into the story as you're writing it. Your first chapter (or prologue when you have one) is the most important and it has to create immediate impact.
Also, don't separate the chapter into so many little sections. If you need to start a bit later in the story and use thoughts to add info, do that instead. Start with the main action. Pull us in. Later, you can do more explaining.
A formatting tip: here on the site, readers truly appreciate a blank line between each paragraph. It makes it so much easier to read!
I like this. As an artist, I was drawn in by your title and I love how deep the thoughts are in the midst of looking like such a simple little poem. It makes the reader stop and think -- always a good quality in a poem.
This one has much too much extraneous info to be a self-help manual. I found myself thinking it should be listed under memoirs instead of articles. I think relating the business aspect to a personal aspect is great, but most of this was personal without a clear connection.
Also, I understand you have reason to hold a grudge against that teacher, but you will put off readers by calling an overweight woman a "bowling ball with arms and legs," no matter how wrong she was. Seriously, I would rethink that.
A technical point -- be sure to emphasize when you say the days of "let the buyer beware" are over, that you mean they are in your state. They aren't everywhere. We were taken by our seller and real estate agent with "inspections" that didn't find a lot of problems and even though we found the problems before we actually closed, we would have lost our large deposit if we backed out, even though the seller was at fault for not having things fixed as he promised. Our agent shrugged and said it was (our state) rules. I say good for your state.
I know this is unfinished, so I'll came back and rerate if you like once it's done.
Again, I love the info you are sharing here. I think this one has too much extraneous information in it. Where your wife grew up is irrelevant to the article and pushes the reader to skim ahead to get to the info you're promising. Using a touch of personal info is great, but I wouldn't use quite so much.
You also might want to number your sections so we know which to read first.
Hi This is great advice that everyone should know before selling a house. Thanks for sharing.
A formatting tip: If you separate your paragraphs better, the article will look more professional. I realize in your printed manual, they will be indented instead of separated, but on the site, it helps us when they are separated.
I like the humor you use to keep the technical piece from being too dry, and I will definitely try that suggestion on my windows!
--She heard the thunder clap and saw the lightening strike while the rain fell hard. The thunderstorm would have been a beautiful sight, if it had been your average thunderstorm. Your average thunderstorm occurs outside, but this type of thunderstorm was inside only. This type scared the little girl even more. The thunder was her parents yelling back and forth. The lightening was them hitting each other. And the rain was the little girl's tears.--
I like the metaphor you're using for the story and the way you're going for an attention-getter with the visual of your first sentence. I think it could be stronger, though, with an action showing how the girl is reacting to the "storm" instead of just telling us that there is thunder and lightening. We all see thunder and lightening, so unless there's a reason up-front as to why we should care about the storm, we won't.
Maybe show us instead what the girl does during these "storms." Does she hide under her blankets or in a closet or does she turn music up high? Show us what she is doing while listening to the sounds you're describing, and you'll pull us in better.
Also, make sure you stick to the right pov. Using "she" and "the little girl" tells us you are using third person pov, but then you say "your average thunderstorm" which switches to second person. I would stick with "the average..." or "an average..." instead.
Part 2: Overall feeling about the story:
You have a lot of detailed description, which helps to relay your story and pulls the reader into the scene. It would be more effective, though, if you work it into the story instead of having it separate from the action. You describe the kitchen although the character never goes in there, and from the tiny crack of her bedroom door, she wouldn't see as much as you describe. A character would generally only describe a room or thing if it relates directly at that point and time of the action.
This is a vivid portrayal of a moment of this girl's life, but a short story should always lead somewhere. Someone should grow or change or have some kind of revelation that shows the purpose of relaying the scenes.
Just a quick formatting tip: it's easier on the reader if you leave spaces between each paragraph when you post work online.
From your bio, it seems that you are a young writer, so I thought I would give a few general tips to think about while you're working on your writing. Keep going! You have a good start.
I'm going to begin with something I read in an article today about grabbing attention: "Start big."
Having your first sentence end with "Llewin reflected" pushes us immediately out of the story before we're in it. Try to start with action or intense description. Don't say the day was miserable. That can mean different things to different people. For me, cold is miserable. For my husband, hot is miserable.
Personally, I also don't like sentences that start with "It was..." unless they are following a sentence that leads to it. "It was raining..." is too passive. You lose strength with this construction.
(Hmm... I've never used edit points and I'm not sure where my comment just went, so here it is again!)
#4 & 5 This is too detailed for the beginning of the story. Draw us in first; otherwise, why do we care about the specifics of what the symbol on the uniform means?
#13 "Himself" is repeated too often.
#18 Once you establish past perfect tense, try to change it to past tense whenever possible. Using "had" too often slows the story and irritates the reader.
#21 You've lost me again. Please note that action historicals are not something I generally read (though I love the John Jakes Kent Family Chronicles), so maybe I get lost easily, but there is too much about which guy stood where and not enough story here for me to follow and stay interested.
I have to admit I did some skimming through the rest. There is an incredible amount of detail, and many who enjoy this genre more than I do may appreciate that. I have trouble giving better criticism than I have, though, because if I don't connect with at least one character from the very beginning, I have no interest in the story. I think it could use more character development. But maybe others would disagree.
The writing itself is professional, other than what I've mentioned. As per the conversation in the group forum about editors, I'm not sure you need to hire one. You don't have issues with grammar or spelling. I think critiques you get here and from general readers would do just as well.
Tigger lay in her window cot and looked out on a bright, sunny day. Spring was here at last. It was a truly warm, sunny Spring after a long, harrowing winter, and Tigger was glad. Daddy Mark had opened all the windows and Tigger and her sister Claudie and brother Tommy Tiger had each claimed a spot. They had left the big, soft easy chair enveloped in a shaft of sunlight for Daddy to sit on. A soft, fragrant breeze ruffled her fur as Tigger looked out on the bright scene. A bee droned lazily among the colorful, early spring flowers, daffodils and irises, pansies and nasturtiums. It was a profusion of new life and Tigger eagerly drank it in.
I love the detail you have in this first paragraph. I think what makes it not quite strong enough is that it's very passive. Laying and looking out a window doesn't have a lot of impact because there is no action and no emotion, also no intrigue. It doesn't pull us in to care why a cat is laying on a window sill, which is pretty typical behavior for a cat. Anyway, I have to assume at this point that Tigger is a cat. You did a good enough job with the description that you didn't have to actually tell us he is.
Part 2: Overall feeling about the story:
This is a very nice memorial for your friend's pet, and as per your end note, I will not offer a critique other than above.
Susan, this is beautiful! The story, the imagery, the writing ... it all flows together so nicely. There is so much knowledge revealed about this character in such little space.
A couple of minor things:
Faces -> you have it capitalized in the middle of a sentence (3rd P) - is that on purpose?
recieve -> receive (4th P)
You use "he'd" a lot. I think you might want to vary it and sometimes use "he had" instead, and in some places, the "had" could be left out since you've already established that it was in the past.
Again, a beautiful story! Good luck in the contest.
This is a beautiful poem, full of imagery that does well with capturing the emotions. I can see the scene vividly.
Your second stanza throws me a bit, as it jumps between three different tenses: I knew -- past tense There would be -- present conditional that was -- past tense I am -- present tense
Instead of There would be no one to catch me when I fell,
Only a chill wind to stir my hair.
maybe you could try it this way: No one would catch me when I fell,
Only a chill wind there to stir my hair.
Or something similar that you could do better.
Having the last line change to present tense might be okay for effect, but I think there is too much change overall in this one paragraph. Also, "alright" is technically correct in modern language, but is often regarded as a vulgar way of spelling "all right." Just be aware of the difference and whether or not that's the way you want it.
Your last line is nice. It makes us stop and think while the pov character is making a sudden change.
You have the voice of a poet and I look forward to reading more.
There is a lot of emotion in this glimpse of a relationship and it says quite a bit in such a short space. You definitely have the gift of storytelling.
I think this would benefit from more detail. Where are they? When is this happening? Give us something to use as an anchor to support the emotions. Right now, it's all mental with nothing physical that we can grasp.
Specific details:
-- I would set your first sentence apart in a separate paragraph for impact.
-- if the water keeps rising soon it will fill
'soon' is unnecessary and slows the pace. You've already given us the image of where the water is, so we can infer 'soon' from that.
-- I'm not always sure who is speaking. I think all but one line is from your pov character, but we can't be sure. Either use tags or more specific actions to let us know.
-- He was exasperating...
The story is in present tense. This line should be, also: He is exasperating...
-- Stop being...
His words seem very calm in this paragraph, yet the next line shows that his eyes are like a mastiffs. Maybe show some of his movement to emphasize his attitude. Is he sitting on the couch just watching her or is he stalking forward, raising his chin, straightening his back? Even little bits of action will help get his attitude across.
-- "Here's your suitcase..."
That seems strange. Is it just sitting there in ... the living room or wherever they are? If so, why is his suitcase right there where she can just pick it up or point to it or whatever she's doing?
-- He’s…leaving.
There should be a space before and after ellipses:
He's ... leaving.
Overall, I like the story and would love to read it again after some filling in.
I'm here on behalf of "Invalid Item" Welcome to Writing.com!
You have a great short story here that includes all of the required elements of fiction: an opening that captures the reader's interest, an interesting character, conflict that reaches a climax, and a wonderful denouement. I even feel a personal voice behind the writing. Nice job.
There are some site-related technical issues that should be addressed. First, I would rethink your rating and maybe move it to 18+ to be on the safe side. Also, when you post a story here, it's best to leave spaces between each paragraph to make it easier to read.
As for the writing technicalities:
-- Your story is written in past tense, but in your third paragraph, you drift temporarily into present: that tie doesn’t match his suit. He probably doesn’t have a wife who takes care...
Changing this to 'didn't match' and 'didn't have a wife to take care' would flow better instead of distracting the reader. Also, you might want to change "Not like Don, what a lucky man. to 'Not like Don, the lucky man' for the same reason.
-- The realization had not fully hit her yet, he was dead.
I would use either a semi-colon or a dash instead of the comma here, since it is connecting two complete sentences.
-- I think the very long paragraph in the middle of the story should be broken into different paragraphs.
-- I'm a bit confused about her surroundings. You mention a dark cell, but she can see it snowing. How does she see the snow? Is it light outside, and she sees it through a window? In that case, the cell wouldn't be too dark. Or is it dark outside, also, and the snow is glistening in the glow of street lamps? You do mention that it is "piling up in banks" -- is that something she could see from a window?
You could use more description to really let us know where she is. How about the smell of the place? You said it's foul, but how is it foul? Is there trash or spider webs or graffiti or a nasty odor? The character you are describing would notice these things.
I love the song you threw in! Just a copyright note: you can't actually use the lyrics without getting permission if you plan to publish. You can use the title, though. Titles have no copyrights.
I also love how you weave in the two very different themes of the story and end them both entwined.
I'm hoping you'll add more to your port soon! Keep writing!
The intro to your poetry folder says you know nothing about poetry. I have to disagree.
You have a naturally poetic way of writing, filled with wonderful imagery and deep thoughts. Poetry should have a lot of meaning beneath the surface of words, and yours does.
One suggestion I have is to try to limit the unnecessary words, such as "it" and "that" and "is" and rephrase to make the form of the lines stronger.
Otherwise, you have a great start at creating gorgeous poetry. I hope you'll add more to your port soon!
As always, you weave a wonderful story with a twist at the end that seems to be your "brand" of sorts. Nice characterization. You start and end it well and the reader stays interested through the whole story.
Here are a few technical things I found:
crawled into a bottle
-- I would take out this cliche and find another way to say it.
No life was present here; he might as well have been walking the street of a ghost town. Street lamps here weren’t even replaced...
-- "here" is used too close together. I think you could leave the second one out, and maybe both of them.
Hope Haliwell had reached the cabin
-- This throws the reader a bit, jumping in time. Maybe rearrange this paragraph with the next one to make it clear he's remembering.
But he had ruined those plans hadn’t he?
-- But he had ruined those plans, hadn’t he?
toured the U. S.,
-- U.S. -the space isn't necessary
Maybe he would even take pity on Jones and direct him to a shelter!
-- I think the exclamation point is unnecessary here.
he didn’t care if they sold horse turds at this particular moment
-- This sounds a bit uncharacteristic coming from the thoughts of this guy who sounds so far like he's fairly refined and city-fied.
I have a brand new coat waiting for you after your bath, that is.”
-- I think you need punctuation after "waiting for you" in order to clarify why he says "that is"
“Uh...Lionel,”
-- There should be a space before and after ellipses: "Uh ... Lionel,"
“Oh you have the wrong idea, Mr. Jones.” he said. “This is not a place to...
-- You don't need the tag there since you already have an action phrase preceding this to let us know who is speaking.
“That, sir, was painfully apparent.” Lionel said with a smile that took the sting out of his words.
“Now if you will follow me, your dinner is awaiting you."
-- I would put this all together instead of in two separate paragraphs.
The last time you had a meal such as this one, Mr. Jones was at your mother’s house thanksgiving day,
-- Add a comma after "Jones" and capitalize Thanksgiving.
“Abraham.” he said softly. “The way I see it,
-- “Abraham,” he said softly, “the way I see it, (the tag is interrupting the thought, not stopping it)
same here: “Here’s to us.” he said. “and to the family
-- “Here’s to us,” he said, “and to the family
while they freeze to death.” he said tiredly.
garbage can somewhere.” Joe said.
-- and here - change the periods to commas
-- I would also take out "said tiredly" and say either mumbled or grunted or something with a descriptive verb instead of using the adverb.
Nice writing. I look forward to your book coming out!
Oh ... this nearly makes me want to stop bothering to try to write poetry. This is how it's supposed to be done. Gorgeous. So full of imagery and a beautiful flow and deep meaning; it's a real pleasure to read, more than once.
The one tiny thing I noticed, and maybe it's subjective:
are wind spent birds
Should this maybe be "wind-spent" instead of separate words?
I'll be reading more of your work. Thank you for sharing.
I'm here because Tor sent me. Well, I read his blog somewhat regularly.
I think you have a very intriguing premise for a story and I'm interested in how the lifetimes will intertwine.
My best suggestion would be, in your prologue, to keep the pov only from Miss Dobson. Starting from the distant voice of the nurse and then switching throws the reader. Have your main character think about the setting and pull us into her right from the beginning. We don't need the thoughts of the nurse.
I don't generally like writing to start with "It is" or "It was" but in this case, I think it works.
I do love the imagery in this poem, and the way you chose very strong, concrete words that contrast with the "serene" feel of the night view. You have a wonderful mix of calm and turbulence through your word use and imagery that makes this a delightful poem, echoing your mix of feelings while gazing at the sky.
I'm not sure about "forced a rout." I get what you're trying to say, but something about it doesn't flow well enough.
Just a technical tip: there should be spaces on both sides of the ellispses (night is over ... and it was).
Overall, this is very nice. I'm glad you found the site.
Very interesting combination of humor and sarcasm. I like poetry that makes me think, and look deeper. I also like the natural free-verse flow of this one.
after a couple millennia
-- Shouldn't it say couple of millenia? I know "of" is left out a lot, but I don't think it's supposed to be. It makes it harder to read that way.
I can easily see why you won first place in the Alphabet contest. Very nice write, with beautiful imagery and flowing rhythm.
Congrats!
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You did a good enough job with the description that you didn't have to actually tell us he is. 
