First, allow me to welcome you to W.Com. This site has been my home away from home for over eleven years, and I've met some wonderful people here.
Now, may I share my opinion of your article?
Content: Your information is correct concerning the dangers of smoking, not only to the smoker but to everyone around him. Many cities and states in the United States have banned smoking in public places for those reasons.
Style: When typing in block style (no indention of first line of paragraphs), please have extra space between paragraphs for easier reading and understanding.
Organization: Having a thesis sentence in the introductory paragraph and then using it as a guide to organize your article creates a better flow. For example, with your information, your thesis might be "Smoking harms the environment, the smoker, and people around the smoker." One paragraph would then cover the environmental harm, the next the harm to the smoker, the third the harm to others. A final paragraph would tie everything together in a conclusion.
I hope my comments help you become an even better essay writer.
Excellent advice concerning a growing problem. If I'm not sure about an email, I won't open it. If the subject line is something I don't want to know about or that I don't trust, I don't open the email. However, some people open everything and trust too much.
I use Avast! for protection, and it has saved my computer too often, even though I'm extra careful.
My brother-in-law sent something to my husband, who doesn't have an email account, to mine. He said it was safe when he received it on his computer. Thing is, his computer sent a worm with the email attachment. My protection saved my laptop, although my computer was frozen for a while.
I hope everyone reads this article and heeds your advice.
Interesting take on the picture prompt for the short story contest. I enjoyed the story very much.
I found some clarity problems due to mechanical problems. For example, in the following, your sentence construction shows Barry Manilow tucking you into the corner: Tucking myself into a corner table at the Social Cafe, Barry Manilo streamed Copacabana in the background.
There are other places where clarity was a bit unclear.
Congratulations on placing in the Short Shots competition.
I wish I could give two different rating for this story: one for content and one for mechanics. The story was gripping. The characters believable. The ending heart breaking. I was drawn into it completely.
However, some punctuation and possible spelling problems need addressed. Anytime there is dialog with a tag like he said, the pronoun must not be capitalized, even if the dialog ends with a question mark or exclamation point. For example, you wrote:
“Julie! Karen!” He called, making his way toward a larger crowd gathered near the water.
It should be he called.
In other places, a period was used before the closed quotation marks rather than a comma, which is needed with a speaker tag.
“It was just an accident guys. It wasn’t your fault.” Brandon said in an effort to reassure them.
Should be a comma after fault, not a period.
When a sentence comes after dialog that is not a speaker tag, it needs to begin with a capital letter. Also, in the U.S. all right is two words, just as all wrong is. Another thing, in literary writing, number under 100 are written as words. Need to have a correct verb form, too.
“We didn’t see her! Is she alright?” a freckled boy of about 13 bent panting over them.
"We didn't see her! Is she All right?" A freckled boy of about thirteen panted over them.
I just gave a few examples of the mechanical problems I found. I didn't want to do a full edit; however, I hope you do find someone to edit this for you once you've revised using my suggestions. This is a powerful story.
I enjoyed reading this, since I know The Milkman, too. There are a few rough places, but the slice of life essay is interesting.
One rough spot: Yet, in that same time period, it was considered "weird" to do the exact same thing, except instead of in a newspaper, it was "on the Internet."
I would suggest changing to something like the following to avoid confusion:
Yet, in that same time period, advertising on the Internet, rather than in a newspaper, was considered "weird."
Also, you might want to double space between all lines, just between paragraphs, or not at all. Double spaces between clusters of sentences that are single spaced but which don't make a paragraph is a bit distracting.
What a fun poem, full of memories to which I can definitely relate. I enjoyed strolling down memory lane with you. Maybe it takes growing older to appreciate what was, feeling the cold and all the other pains that come from getting old.
I found a few rough places in the punctuation, but definitely not enough to distract from the impact of the emotion and wording.
Cute idea. I'm not sure about a black wedding dress, but it was a twist for sure.
You used past tense, which is fine, but you switched to present tense which isn't. Of course the mall is busy all day long and iMaybe she will have the wedding after all are present tense.
Watch using the same verb close together: decided, decided.
Who did the manager greet? Should be greeted her or someone.
Be sure to put a period after you and before " in His instructions were to "seek first the kingdom of GOD and all these things will be added unto you (add period)"
Also, I wouldn't dod God and Him and Jesus in all caps.
Check wherever you have end " and make sure any period or comma is inside the quotation marks.
Last line, Seek Him (add comma) and when ...
Can you give a few examples to "prove" how to seek. how success is found or examples of success found, etc.?
Except for one minor flaw (should be someone else's face), this poem is delightful. Humorous, but so true.
I've experienced the same time. That's why I've given up looking in a mirror. I miss my mother, but I don't like seeing her staring back at me from a mirror.
I love this. Someone can talk about short and sweet, but this is short and soooo funny. You managed to put together a whole story in such few words and make it hilarious. This review probably will have more words that your whole scenario. It takes talent to pull off something so successfully.
What an interesting idea for raising funds for groups. Congratulations on being different and creative.
I hope this concept works well for you and the groups you are aiding. I don't bake much anymore, not since my legs and back protest so much, but I'll gladly help spread the word.
You managed to do what the instructions required, to write a complete story with nothing but dialogue. The only problems I saw were some over use of exclamation marks and an unexpected lack of impact with the end.
I know from experience that writing a complete story in dialogue isn't easy, but it is a great exercise for learning how to use good dialogue for other works.
Very enjoyable story. I could relate as a reader to that short, skinny boy. I remember being the one who really didn't "fit" as a teen. The humor is the type that brings a smile or a slight chuckle.
The one thing that bothered me about the writing was the run-on sentences, not enough to spoil my enjoyment but still noticeable to a grammarian as I am. The formatting, where paragraphs weren't indented but no double space between them, should be corrected. That problem often occurs when something is copied and pasted.
Good writing, Dave. You take the reader back to those awkward teen years.
Although I was slow to catch the drift of this poem, the message soon burst upon my brain (slow moving as it is tonight).
I definitely like the poetic images evoked with your words, even if a few places seem a bit awkward. For example, whose crafted words lay him bare
when spoken like a pleading prayer
Whose words?
Overall, the poem presents a strong visual of forbidden love
Avoiding using second person (you, your, etc.) creates better poetic language.
Using the word "and" is better than using &.
I don't know if you're young or not, but your writing gives me the impression that you are. Please keep working at developing your writing skills and discovering deeper meanings and wording. Work with poetic devices, too, which will help add depth to your work.
Please keep developing your skills because you have a good start, just need to tighten and fine tune your work.
I read this the first time to get the message of your words, and the message is heart warming. I read again to be able to give you suggestions so you can refine your work. I think you should work on this and submit it to magazines such as Reader's Digest.
I found some sentence structure problems, including run-on sentences. When two sets of words that could each stand alone as a sentence are joined by a conjunction (and, or, but, nor, yet), a comma is used before the conjunction.
Here's an example: Karen(my wife) and Amanda were rushed out of the birthing room and I did not get to see them again for about an hour.
A comma is needed after "room." Also a space is needed after "Karen."
I would be glad to do a complete edit if you wish. Just let me know.
As someone who meets physical challenges every day, I can understand only too well where you are coming from when you talk about the challenges you face.
I like that you give different kinds of information in your journal as well as the struggles. You have links to places that warn us, help us, and/or entertain us.
Even when your upset with someone or something, you keep an optimistic attitude, even if it sometimes nearly hidden.
I haven't any suggestions for improvement because a journal or blog is the individual's province.
Wow! what a creative and interesting introduction for a folder. Just reading it and looking makes me want to know more. Hmmm ... I need more time to read now.
Your illustrations add much to your folder, and I like the way you divide your main folder (the castle) into rooms or areas found in the castle - great design.
I really like the concept of this story and the lesson that not all people fit any sterotype.
I would suggest that you start with some kind of action. Maybe have Annabelle muttering about having to work inside while her older brothers got to work outside while she had to stay in the house. Maybe have her wish that she would hurry and be six.
There is a lot of telling in this story. More showing would make it more interesting for children.
Several places could be further developed (involving the showing rather than telling, too). For example, you might develop Gabe's enjoyment of drawing.
I definitely could see this as an excellent children's story with some revisions, polishing, and fine tuning.
Hi, I can see how this could be polished to become a very good story for children. I know some of the publishers today don't want animal stories, but children love talking-animals.
One very big suggestion I have is to start the story with action, dialogue, something more than narration. Show us the story from the beginning rather than tell us about it.
Also, write your story in such a way that illustrations can be created to go with no more than a paragraph at a time. In other words, each paragraph (or even parts of paragraphs) should be written so that an illustration can be used.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you find this as much a second home as many of us do.
This "poem," which is what you maybe should have labeled it rather than other, shows a sense of humor, which is good. I got a kick out of reading it, and I'm sure others did,too.
Personally, I like punctuation in poetry, helps the reader know when one thought ends and another begins. For example, you might have a period at the end of the first three lines, after fifth and last. Nothing is needed at the end of the fourth.
I hope you are able to add more to your port soon.
The concept of this story is good. The story in rhyme is fun and funny. I could imagine the illustrations that would accompany the text.
Writing in rhyme is difficult to do well all the way through a story. In some places the rhyme wasn't exact: Sixteen and greens don't rhyme, for example. In other places the rhyme was forced, resulting in a convoluted sentence: "Many aches there were in their tummies and such" is one example; " the ingredients to elephant-sized children did they make" is another.
Be very sure that punctuation and sentence structure are correct. One example:
Heaps of ice cream and mounds of cake:
the ingredients to elephant-sized children did they make.
A colon isn't the correct punctuation, and the sentence is convoluted to force a rhyme.
With a bit of work, this story could be great.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/vzabel
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.28 seconds at 1:43am on Apr 19, 2024 via server web1.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
This poem is smooth and filled with imagery. I like it.
Personally, unless the poem is shown as written for a particular "you," I prefer that second person not be used.
