|I wish I could give two different rating for this story: one for content and one for mechanics. The story was gripping. The characters believable. The ending heart breaking. I was drawn into it completely.
However, some punctuation and possible spelling problems need addressed. Anytime there is dialog with a tag like he said, the pronoun must not be capitalized, even if the dialog ends with a question mark or exclamation point. For example, you wrote:
“Julie! Karen!” He called, making his way toward a larger crowd gathered near the water.
It should be he called.
In other places, a period was used before the closed quotation marks rather than a comma, which is needed with a speaker tag.
“It was just an accident guys. It wasn’t your fault.” Brandon said in an effort to reassure them.
Should be a comma after fault, not a period.
When a sentence comes after dialog that is not a speaker tag, it needs to begin with a capital letter. Also, in the U.S. all right is two words, just as all wrong is. Another thing, in literary writing, number under 100 are written as words. Need to have a correct verb form, too.
“We didn’t see her! Is she alright?” a freckled boy of about 13 bent panting over them.
"We didn't see her! Is she All right?" A freckled boy of about thirteen panted over them.
I just gave a few examples of the mechanical problems I found. I didn't want to do a full edit; however, I hope you do find someone to edit this for you once you've revised using my suggestions. This is a powerful story.