Hi, Harry. I enjoyed your poem, as I always enjoy your poetry. I like the fact that you show the faults and then end with what's good, what's right. Your word portrait leaves a lasting impression.
The only thing that concerned me, as I read this, was the seventh stanza seems convoluted, confusing. I finally deducted the meaning, but I had to read and reread to do so. Also, I believe it's two-hundred-thirty-one years, but I'm not sure. I know it should be thirty-one.
Yes, problems abound, but at least the problems haven't completely overwhelmed the greatness -- yet.
What an interesting, funny, and true article. I laughed, and I nodded as I read the words. We are gullible, and sometimes we're nearly brain dead. Your analogy of forcing neighbors to the mall linked so well to the heart of the topic.
I have no suggestions for improvement. The informal format added to the reader's enjoyment.
Even though this article was written in an informal manner, the organization was still present that allowed readers to follow and understand the thesis.
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I like the imagery in this poem. A few lines leave a taste of emotion behind. The one section I enjoyed the most is
Like a cloud in the sun,
Too close to the heat
I also enjoy reading poetry filled with poetic devices and language, such as the the similes you use.
I was reading along when some awkward word usage made me stumble. I'm not sure about a leaf in the wind, Still clung to the tree. I could understand Still hung on the tree, but clung as used seemed out of place.
I like the use of correct punctuation and capitalization, but in this poem, the usage comes and goes. For example, a period should be used at the end of the fourth line. Other places have the same problem.
Thank you for sharing this with us. You do have talent for creating word pictures.
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You have the ability to draw a reader into the action of this story. I have been too close to tornadoes a few times myself, and they can be frightening.
The following are a few suggestions that might help your story:
The story starts off in past tense. Then it switches to present, back to past, back to present. The writing would be much stronger if one tense was used all the way through from start to finish.
The use of action verbs, rather than state-of-being verbs (is, am, was, were), gives more power to writing. For example in the first paragraph, using sat in place of was sitting removes one was.
I'm not sure why you have such short paragraphs at the beginning. The first four paragraphs could be joined into one.
In the fifth paragraph, the correct punctuation at the end of the quote would be ...Oklahoma," [and no period after Oklahoma and no comma after the end quotation marks].
You wrote "Damn, that is only 5 minutes from here!", I shouted.
The punctuation should be "Damn, that is only five minutes from here!" [no comma] I shouted.
The first paragraph has a sentence fragment that could be avoided by combining it with The weather was perfect The weather was perfect, about seventy degrees, sunny and a slight breeze.
Usually tornadoes don't suddenly appear from a clear sky. They form from certain times of clouds under certain conditions. This part of the story could be made a bit more realistic.
In literary writing (stories, novels, essays), numbers under 100 should be written as words: one rather than 1; three rather than 3, etc.
I'm not sure about having (2 be continued). If you really mean for the story to be continued, then the proper way to note that would be (to be continued).
With some revision and polishing, this story could be excellent.
Oh, my! I and . I can't believe all the alternative ideas, don't think I would have thought of even these. Hmmm mmm What about running after run-on sentences? Pronoun confusion? Telling me more than I ever wanted to know?
Uh, was all this necessary or a bad dream? Please don't give up your day job?
You have some good examples to "show" the difference between telling and showing. Many people don't see the difference or understand how showing makes the story more interesting for the reader.
I considered using this in the For Authors Newsletter for May 2, but one section which you labeled "use the right verb" is about adverbs. Not one word do you write about the right verb. Using the right verb is important in showing rather than telling.
You wrote:
{c:blue{2. Use the right verb – The suffix “-ly” is generally used in conjunction with a verb or an adjective and is used to strengthen them. Such words are called adverbs. When used in fiction, they tend to weaken the description. Words like quickly, gently, slowly are adverbs used to describe the action taking place. Here again, the writer is only telling the reader how someone walked or talked rather than showing him.
In general, the use of adverbs is frowned upon as an example of bad writing. Read through your work to identify these adverbs and replace them with a strong and more appropriate verb or noun. Odds are that you weren’t using the right verb in the first place.
In general, your information about adverbs is helpful.
Thank you for entering the Short Story Newsletter challenge. I enjoyed your story. You did well with the dialect, not over-doing so that it was difficult to read, but using just enough to give the reader a "taste" of the characters and region. The plot kept my attention, and my attention was held from beginning to end.
The only problem I found with your use of dialect was that the narrator's dialect broadened as the story progressed.
One suggestion I have is trying to avoid using to be (was, were, is, am, are, etc.) verbs so much, except in dialogue where needed. For example, you wrote, Her auburn hair was shipping at her face. By rewording to something like, Her auburn hair shipped at her face, you keep the dialect yet avoid using was.
At the beginning of the fourth paragraph, we need a transition so that the change in time isn't so abrupt. For example, you could write: Later, I was stuck ...
There's a formatting problem at paragraphs ten, seventeen, and twenty-one, which need to be indented.
Humpty Dumpty should be capitalized.
Names, when directly addressed, should be set off by commas. For example, in You knows I've been working for you for some ten years ma'am a comma is needed after years.
A few run-on sentences found their way into the story, and a couple of misspelled words: wheres the good stuff should be where's the good stuff; mans voice should be man's voice.
I see nothing by a word picture, painted with broad strokes of imagery. The feelings, the imagery (although real to life) grab the reader.
The one possible problem I see is that the fourth stanza seems a bit strained, forced. But it isn't so bad that I would lower the rate because this is still a powerful, insightful work.
The power of this poem grabs the reader from beginning to end. The scene is painted with words, creating an unforgettable portrait of a slice of life, of drama. The following simile is an example of the delightful, even if grim, imagery found in this work:
"She let the petals of her daisies
fall upon her fingertips like
giggling children in a game of tag."
One thing that bothered me, though, is the use of soft rather than softness at the end of line six and a soft rather than softness in the last line.
As far as punctuation problems, I think a comma is needed at the end of line 9 and 15. Overall, the grammar is good.
I will be highlighting this poem in the April 4 Drama Newsletter.
The comparison of writing fiction to screenwriting is a good idea. I've been reading about how writers should set up scenes in a story like scenes in a movie. You have given information as to why that idea is good.
I'd suggest that you stick to one point of view, and try to avoid second person. Using first person (I, we, me, us, etc.) works in this essay. Using second person isn't as effective.
You wrote People in the movie business know very well that if you can’t keep the viewers interest focused on the screen, the movie is a flop. Changing the you to we strengths what you're saying.
Then you change to third person (he). Perhaps you could change First, a writer has to create a main character who will drive the story, after the writer has an idea what his story will be about. Perhaps the following would work as well and keep the writing in first person:
First, we as writers have to create a main character who will drive the story, after we have ideas what our stories will be about.
A few places are a bit awkwardly worded. For example, At this stage, the character’s touch-up characteristics or his shades may be developed that were left out in the initial planning of the story could become something like the following:
At this stage, the character's touch-up characteristics of his shades, that were left out in the initial planning of the story, may be developed.
I'm not sure what you mean in the first sentence of Phase four. How does a writer originate the characters and behavior? You may want to look at the word originate and what it means.
I would like to see you polish and fine-tune this article.
The imagery and concept of this poem are excellent. I find the message coming across loud and clear as I read.
I prefer punctuation in poetry, and you do use quite a bit. I would just like to see all that is needed used. For example, you wrote Hear their cries for peace that remain unheard,
Though I can do nothing, I’m only a bird
while the correct punctuation would be:
Hear their cries for peace that remain unheard.
There are several places where some punctuation is needed to avoid other run-on sentences.
An excellent account in poetry of a tennis match. Even the phasing of the words and lines gives the appearance of watching a match.
A few places have some awkward punctuation. I like punctuation in poetry, but I like to see it used correctly. For example, you wrote
Shaking Allie’s hand as her mouth stumbled over words,
As her vision fogged up and her legs could no longer support her
But there were screaming teammates pressing in to catch her
and a comma is needed after "her legs could not longer support her."
I will be highlighting this in the Action/Adventure Newsletter next week.
This short flash fiction set a story well, with beginning, middle, and end. You did a good job of reeling in the reader.
You could possibly make the dialogue, especially for the narrator, a bit more realistic. This is just a suggestion, one to see if you can make it work: "Laura, even if you regret it now, you did mean it when you said it." I sighed before turning away. "I'm sorry, too. You won't see me again."
I could feel the shock that shook her. Reeling from makes the sentence a bit awkward in a way.
You have a good story, and I like the twist of the ending.
Hello again, Rose. I had to review your third poem, too.
I know that second graders don't have as much to compare with as adults may have, so using the basics of a known rhyme is understandable. However, you may discover as you "grow" in your writing that using your own ideas are even better. I do like your last line makes this personal.
Again, I would suggest that you put a comma before the word "too."
Thank you for sharing your work with us. I look forward to reading more of it as you post new poetry in your port. I didn't start writing poetry until I was in third grade, but poetry was my first writing fun. I still like poetry best.
I also dread the arrival of winter and look forward to the return of spring. I therefore can understand how sad the migration of hummingbirds can be.
You do a very good job with the rhyme in the poem, as well as the imagery. Even though a bit of sentence manipulation is needed to make the rhyme work, it isn't too awkward.
I have one suggestion: The comma at the end of line two isn't needed, in fact makes the flow choppier than necessary.
As you know, Harry, I often write poetry in free verse. Well-written free verse has a beauty all its own, a smooth flow based on poetic devices, language, and imagery. Yours gives that poetic smoothness.
You use brief glimpses of a flight to take the reader with you soaring across the sky.
The change of the clouds from "untainted Arctic snow" to dirty gray angriness (most people misspell that word, but not you) is vivid and real. I could "see" and feel the storm around the plane.
The one suggestion I would make is try to make your lines based more on phrases that go together than as paragraphs with short lines.
Ah, a poem with hidden meaning. I do like this piece, and I like the way you lead up to the punch line.
You might want to look at using the word could so closely together. Maybe in the fourth line, you could use would instead.
The only other suggestions I have, and which kept me from giving this 5 s, is the couple of punctuation glitches I found: You've guided me around your garden,
so I can see all that flourishes there. does not need a comma after garden because "that" is understood after "so," so that I can see ...
But I have something to share too should have a comma before and after the word too.
When a person can say so much in so few words, he must be a poet. This short work has a clear, image-filled analogy that is deep with meaning.
I have no suggestions for improvement because I believe this is ready to be published. I hope you submit it to publications that seek poetry or that you include it in a book of your work.
I really do like this poem, the content, the imagery, the poetic language.
I'm going to give some suggestions (which you can take or leave), but if you fine tune this piece, please let me know so that I can adjust the rating.
First, I would put a comma after children in the second line. In literary writings, a series of three of more things needs a comma before the conjunction.
I would also put commas around the clause "as they hover quietly there," found in the second stanza.
In the 5th stanza, you may want to put a colon at the end of the first line, and then a comma after flower, to avoid a long run-on sentence.
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This story shows a message that all need to heed. You have such a well-written foundation for an excellent story that I hope you will tweak it to be what it can be.
You wrote: The morning sun shined through the front door as John stood looking out at a young man laying on the doormat covered lightly with snow. The sentence is a bit confusing as written because we're not sure if the doormat or young man or both are lightly covered with snow. I would suggest a rewrite to something like: As John stood looking outside, the morning sun shone through the front door. A young man, lightly covered with snow, lay on the doormat.
That's just one possibility.
In the second paragraph, the verb should be led rather than lead.
In the third paragraph, the word you doesn't need to be capitalized.
The next paragraph, one long sentence, might be less confusing if it were divided into at least two sentences. For example, you might have John actually ask the question first, then have the young man answer.
Since the premise of the story is so strong, watch for it to be highlighted in the For Authors Newsletter December 27.
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I especially liked the feelings, the emotion, the love behind the words of this poem (by the way, rather than have it as "other," you might want to label poetry). A tribute to one's mother is always a good thing.
Using needed punctuation and capitalization all the way through would help the reader better understand where one idea ends and other starts. Without punctuation, if one were reading this aloud, he would have to take a huge breath to get all the way through or pause at the end of each line (which would make the delivery very choppy).
A few places the wording seems a bit "off." For example,
You are my safety
when danger becomes me
might be a bit less confusing if you worded that last part, "when danger overcomes me."
Can't is the correct spelling of the contraction for cannot.
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This article contained some interesting facts (would have liked some sources for the material, though). I enjoyed reading about them and would like for you to add to these.
Other than the lack of sources, so that I could know the facts weren't made up, the writing in places was a bit stilted. For example, how can stories resonate (vibrate, echo, ring) with people?
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The imagery of this poem is concise and precise. The words create a mental picture with the analogy of the clock and the second hand falling.
Use of correct punctuation helps a reader know what a writer means. The punctuation in this poem needs some work. I'm not sure where one thought ends and another begins. I kept going back trying to figure it out, and I'm still not sure.
The word craft is good. I'd like to see what you can do if you smooth out the punctuation. Please notify me if you revise.
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This poem has some interesting imagery, which leaves a lasting impression on my mind. The idea of something crawling in veins is quite graphic. The concept is stark and attention riveting.
I really prefer the use of correct grammar, capitalization, and punctuation in poetry. The correct usage helps the reader understand what the poet means.
The use of a vague "it" leaves me wondering what you are describing. "It haunts me" just leaves confusion in my mind.
You show some excellent talent in word craft. I hope my suggestions are helpful.
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Hi, Harry. I enjoyed your poem, as I always enjoy your poetry. I like the fact that you show the faults and then end with what's good, what's right. Your word portrait leaves a lasting impression.
The only thing that concerned me, as I read this, was the seventh stanza seems convoluted, confusing. I finally deducted the meaning, but I had to read and reread to do so. Also, I believe it's two-hundred-thirty-one years, but I'm not sure. I know it should be thirty-one.
and 
I'm going to give some suggestions (which you can take or leave), but if you fine tune this piece, please let me know so that I can adjust the rating.