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This poem has some interesting and vivid imagery. Poetry has to have imagery to exist, and you have incorporated it well.
I would like to see this tied together rather than isolated phrases that jump from one to the next.
Please be sure you use the same verb tense throughout: Forgotten and remember are past tense and present. Forgotten and remembered would be both past tense.
If you revise and polish, please notify me so that I can review again and consider rerating.
You tell a well-written story. Learning mechanics of writing like grammar, punctuation, etc., is possible. Learning how to tell a story isn't, but it's a great talent.
I know you are writing in dialect, but even then correct punctuation helps the reader follow the meaning easier. You have run-on sentences, running thoughts together. Also a few places I found a fragment here and there. If you could have someone give this a complete edit, you would have a publishable story.
All right is two words rather than alright.
There, like here, is a place or an introductory word. Their means belonging to them.
Welcome to W.Com. I read your bio block, and I can understand not fitting in the molds found in school. I was "different" because I was interested in learning not just guys.
Your lyrics are interesting, and, although rather morose, they are still catchy, as if a tune lingers just behind them.
I know these are lyrics rather than straight poetry, but when someone reads the words by themselves, poetry is what is read. Therefore, you may want to look at using needed punctuation to help the reader know where thoughts begin and end.
Please keep using your writing ability to be you. You have much talent.
This poem's imagery is powerful and should cause every reader to stop and think. The message that no matter who or what is to blame, the effects are the same, is strong.
A few places I found glitches in grammar. An example, there's means there is; therefore, "there's bombings in the schools" should be there are bombings in the schools. Also a few places some punctuation is needed to keep ideas and thoughts from running together.
In this poem you present lists of marvelous images, sounds and visual images one after another.
I think one thing that distracts from the over all impact of this piece is the fact that it does have just a list of images rather than an underlying theme or meaning.
The major poetry device used is rhyme, yet some are not really true rhymes, like dream/seems and songs/lawns.
You have a definite ability to present vivid imagery through your word craft.
This poem was hard to rate because of the wonderful, mesmerizing imagery wrapped itself around my imagination. The imagery requires a 6 out of 5 stars. I love it.
The images you create at times seem disconnected and/or unclear. The word painting in the following leaves me confused:
I painted the day with lillies
in a circular vase,
drowned in swans
the fog could not shadow.
Is the vase drowned in swans? Or does dwoned in swans somehow connect to the fog?
What I think you may need to do is look at the punctuation and see if maybe it needs some revision to help clarify.
When I read poetry of any kind, I always watch for imagery, the use of words to create a mental picture. Without imagery, poetry doesn't exist. In this collection of haiku, the imagery not only is vivid, leaving a definite impression in my mind, but the flow from haiku to haiku is smooth and soothing.
I have no changes to make. The words are perfect as they are. The only suggestion, which is just that, would be to use needed punctuation to help make the meaning completely clear.
Welcome to W.Com. I hope you find a helpful community as I have.
You have a talent for bringing the reader into the story. I found myself wanting to know what happened next. That's excellent, something that is hard to learn.
One thing that would help make your writing stronger would be to avoid so many to be verbs. For example, in the first paragraph the following could be revised: My nose was burning to the point that every time a gust of wind blew past me, I’d wince in pain. My eyes were watering and I was aching all over,
My suggestion would be as follows:
My nose burned to the point that every time a gust of wind blew past me, I'd wince in pain. My eyes watered, and I ached all over.
The use of first person for two people confused me. As did the ending, but that confusion may have been because of the point of view being the same for two characters.
I can't find the word cationate in any dictionary: "I proceeded towards the bed, cautionate." Did you mean cautiously?
You are a talented writer. The mechanics can be learned, but not the story telling ability.
I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. The imagery is delicate, matching the subject matter and the daises. Very good.
I enjoy the use of needed punctuation in poetry, which is very important in poetry for children, so that ideas are clear. Also in the last stanza, the starting quotation marks don't have a matching set at the end.
Most of the rhymes are excellent, but in a few places, the rhyme scheme is missed. I think a bit of rewording would take care of that problem.
You use words so creatively, painting a word masterpiece. That can't be learned.
Welcome to Writing.Com. wordstalker told me you were on the site and that your writing is very good. He was very right.
The imagery (which everyone will tell you I look for first and foremost) is vivid and alive. Wow! I'm amazed at the painting you've created with your palatte of words.
I just like to see needed punctuation used to help the reader better understand where one idea ends and the next begins. You do use some punctuation, but maybe more?
As usual, you have packed so much into your storoem, Harry. You have condensed and compressed a whole story into this creation.
How does one amaze without who or what one amazes? You used "amazed" as an intransitive verb, but I've never heard of it used without an object unless used as a predicate adjective.
The depth of meaning of this poem, the fear we all find in life, is strong, and that message is probably the most powerful part of the item. The imagery is comes and goes.
I find that some of the repetition of the word fear is too much.
I also feel as if you were more interested in getting your message across than in presenting it with vivid imagery.
This was good writing, just not the best you've written or even at the level I'm used to seeing from you.
The story of this poem and the message of how others don't realize the value of things "old" is vivid and true. The imagery makes me feel as if present.
The switch in tenses rather threw me. You start in past tense and then switch to present (even though the action was definitely in the past), then back to past tense. You might want to look at the section where the old woman enters the story and make that all past tense.
Bygone is a word, but I can't find any record of goneby. If you are making up a word, you might want to at least put it in quotes as "gone-by."
A few places needed commas are missing, causing thoughts to run together.
Very good writing. If you make revisions, please let me know.
I so needed a good laugh, and you provided it with this short, if not sweet, poem. I'm still chuckling. Of course it took me three readings before I, as an English major/teacher/promoter, understood all that you wrote. The ending was hilarious. Satire well done is a joy to read.
This precise, concise offering may not be a literary work, but a good laugh provided by a well-worded (?) poem deserves .
You have developed an interesting and homey story in this poem. The tie between the sermon and the bridge's fate creates almost an analogy.
This narrative poem could use just some more imagery and fewer uses of was or were. You might look at perhaps rewording some of those areas where was or were is used.
I really like the imagery in this Haiku is so strong and vivid. I like the rain and the sleep ideas tied together.
I was very disappointed, though, that you didn't keep to the required syllables in the last line. The pattern is five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, and five again in the third. Your third line has six. You might try to use just "wake" instead of "awake," see if that works. Not having the correct number of syllables in a Haiku is a rather large problem.
If you fix the problem, please notify me. I would like to use this in the April Poetry Newsletter, but I can't if the correct syllables are not used.
I like the depth of meaning in this poem. Your creative word painting leaves a lasting mental image. Angry words do cause more pain than many realize.
The one thing that caused me to stumble a bit were all the sentence fragments. By ommiting "that" from all the fragments, they would become sentences. Or by connecting them with semicolons, since so many commas are used, would also fix the problem.
I hope you are finding a warm welcome to W.Com. Many members on the site help others improve their writing.
You have some insightfull views and comments in this item. This could be rewritten and improved to be very good.
First of all, this doesn't look like poetry, although it's labeled as such. Yet it isn't divided into paragraphs to make an essay.
Using correct grammar, spelling, capitalization, and punctuation is a must in writing. Those are the tools that make what we write understandable to readers.
One thing you might need is someone close who will do a thorough edit job for you. I wish I had the time to help more.
Please keep working. We all started with problems with what we wrote and how. Through perserverance and improving, we all see we can write.
I like the message of this poem. You present the need for us to live our lives everyday. Very good.
You might want to examine your use of punctuation, capitalization, word usage, and spelling.
You wrote: As the moon shone on down in the mid of the night
an old man fell asleep in the gleam of it's light.
You might want to delete the word on. Both on and down are not needed.
A comma is needed after night, and it's means it is while its shows possession.
You wrote: When he dreamed, he heard angels; they spoke like a poem,
they said "Sir, we have come here to take you back home."
A period is needed after the word poem, and "they" in the next line should be capitalized. The a comma is needed after "said."
"The old man, he awoke . . ." is incorrect grammatically. The old man awoke.
You wrote: People say "he lived his life happy, full and broad.
"Now he's living more joyous in heaven with God!"
It should be:
People say, "He lived his life happy, full, and broad.
Now he's living more joyously in heaven with God."
You have a good sense of what to write. Now you just need a little work on the mechanics.
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This poem has some interesting and vivid imagery. Poetry has to have imagery to exist, and you have incorporated it well.
I would like to see this tied together rather than isolated phrases that jump from one to the next.
If you revise and polish, please notify me so that I can review again and consider rerating.
In this poem you present lists of marvelous images, sounds and visual images one after another. 
When I read poetry of any kind, I always watch for imagery, the use of words to create a mental picture. Without imagery, poetry doesn't exist. In this collection of haiku, the imagery not only is vivid, leaving a definite impression in my mind, but the flow from haiku to haiku is smooth and soothing.
I have no changes to make. The words are perfect as they are. The only suggestion, which is just that, would be to use needed punctuation to help make the meaning completely clear.
I so needed a good laugh, and you provided it with this short, if not sweet, poem. I'm still chuckling. Of course it took me three readings before I, as an English major/teacher/promoter, understood all that you wrote. The ending was hilarious. Satire well done is a joy to read.