Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you find a home for your writing as I have.
Your haiku has the correct syllable count. I like the message it contains, too.
It is always a good idea to check your spelling. Described is the correct spelling.
Using correct spelling and capitalization, even in brief description, is more professional than chat speak. And criticism is the correct spelling of that word.
Please keep using your word craft to share with us.
Interesting message, Harry. I agree that we do not have much control over our lives, really. All we can do is hope that fate will be kind.
You're mixing plurals with singulars: "that their life will follow their carefully made plans."
Unless more than one person is able to share the same life, their lives is correct. I found this at least one other place.
You start in third person (which is good), but then you switch to second person and back to third. I think this would be stronger if you stuck with one or the other.
Your essay is well developed and supported. I'll have to agree with most of what you've written, too. You give a good argument for football taking baseball's place as America's pastime.
I found one or two run-on sentences, but please remember that America's means belonging to America while Americans means more than one American.
The imagery of this poem is delightful. I especially like the play on rains, reins, and reigns. The pictures left in my mind are vivid and sharp because of your word paintings.
The one suggestion I have would be to go ahead and use complete sentences. That would help the flow and the meaning. For example, in the first stanza, if there would be a verb used, the reader could better understand what September rains do. I wonder if you meant for blow to be the verb, but it's not clear whether the rains blow the scents or whether the autumn breezes do.
I really enjoyed your word craft. You know how to use poetic language.
Okay, now this I really like. You have stepped out of your box and created a solid poem filled with imagery. This is very good.
One part really adds nothing, infact is repetitious, weakening the whole thing:
" days of
some momentous occasion
in my life."
I'd suggest deleting that part and letting the rest become the 5 poem it is.
Very, very funny poem. I enjoyed your foray into a nightmare of peanut butter and jelly and sweet pickle sandwich. *shivers* You deserve whatever you get after eating that.
The only suggestion I have for this work of art, again, is to look at the line breaks. They seem a bit rough to me. Of course that could be my eyes jiggling from all the laughter.
Harry, you have managed again to give us a full story in rhyme. I like the message and the story itself.
The one problem I have is the first line. It doesn't have the smoothness and punch I've grown to expect from you. It's awkwardly worded and a bit confusing.
Other than that one line, this poem is up to your usual standards.
Ooooh, beautiful poem. I usually don't give 5 s to poetry without needed punctuation and capitalization, but the imagery of this is so sharp and vivid that I have to this time.
The allusion of Icarus fits so well, as does the methaphors and personafication throughout.
I had to visit your port after receiving a review from you, and I'm glad I did.
This poem overflows with imagery and emotion.
The lack of needed punctuation leaves me wondering where and what thoughts go together. For example in the last stanza, does calm modify Oregon or the life?
The wording makes the reader think the "you" of the poem is gone, yet it isn't clear if so and how. Is he gone because of death or divorce?
You use words well to paint a word picture, but perhaps you might make it clearer?
Welcome to Writing.Com. I found this item as I searched for items containing oxymoron for the August 31 Poetry Newsletter. I hope you subscribe, because this poem will be highlighted.
Your poem oozes with emotion, the pain of loss. Bittersweet is a rather common oxymoron, but you use it well.
The correct use of needed punctuation helps strengthen your work. If used, it keeps thoughts and ideas from running together and smooths the flow.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I'm glad you have join us.
How kind of you to write a thank you to those who have reviewed you and those who will in the future.
I would suggest that you use correct spelling and capitalization. U should be you; i should be I, etc. Bare means to be nude or stipped. Bear means to put up with or endure (as well as the animal ).
Keep writing and gaining the help to improve your writing.
I like the way, that as I read, I can picture a young man telling the story, feeling the emotions.
A few places are a bit awkwardly worded. One example is I guess this is how such strong bonds of friendships are born, in that they will change their lives to involve everybody. The pronoun "they" refers back to friendships and so does "their," which is a bit confusing.
Some commas divide a compound verb. I also found a few run-on sentences that a comma before the conjuction would fix.
You might check the spelling of solitude.
I liked this slice of life monologue, but I'm left wondering why the narrator's visits decreased. What happened?
You have the foundation for an excellent monologue.
I like the premise of this story. It's a good start to what could be an excellent novel.
This is just a suggestion to strengthen your writing: Try to avoid using to be verbs (is, am, are, was, were, being, etc.) as much as possible.
You wanted to receive ideas of where to go from here. You might give a twist with the business manager, maybe have it be a her that creates romantic tension or a him who is dishonest.
The imagery and picture created with your words are vivid and strong.
The use of needed punctuation and capitalization would strenghten your work. I know that ee cummings got away without using them, but he first became a successful poet with both in his poetry.
Ourselves is one word. I think that space-time cloth would be correct rather than space time cloth.
You use words very well. Your writing talent is well-showcased.
I see how this could be enhanced and expanded into a very good story. The foundation is there, some interesting ideas on which to build.
First, why did you put a period after Fred in the title? Just wondering since it really doesn't fit.
I would like to see more than the choppy delivery of short, simplistic sentences. Some more detail to fill in the mainly outline of this piece would add to its interest.
Also using correct grammar and structure would make reading the story easier. One thing, maybe you could double space between paragraphs or indent the firs line of each or both. Each paragraph should contain support for only one point, not a list of different ideas.
I would like to see what you could do with this. Please let me know if you revise and enhance this writing.
You use words well. Many readers would need a dictionary to find the meaning of some words, and even then they may be confused as to how the words are used.
I'm sure the humor you want to use is the ludicrious usage of words.
I was confused all the way through, though. What is the plot, the purpose, the actual story?
You have much emotion in this poem, and I can understand why someone who is losing her best friend would be upset. It's really heartbreaking when that happens.
You rather over-use the word now, and some of the punctuation is misplaced. In the second line, I think you forgot "the" before screen.
Now this sounds like a good idea for a contest. I hope everyone who attended the convention takes advantage of the opportunity to win with their convention memories.
I like how you acknowlege {suer:lexijewlgia}'s contest and give it the position it should have on the site, yet give the non-winners of that contest a chance to place in yours.
This contest idea is an excellent one. Writing active, plot-moving dialogue is one of the components of good writing. Anyone who can write a whole story in dialogue can write believable, motivated dialogue in a story or novel.
The only suggestion I have to allow thoughts to be part of the dialogue since thoughts are internal dialogue.
You have some good points in this poem. You have seriously thought about the subject, which is apparent.
I would suggest that you proofread your material, maybe try reading it aloud or have someone read it to you. Some of the phrases aren't really clear. One example is My heart precious and so very tender.
Also, the pronoun I should always be capitalized.
Keep writing and polishing your work. You show talent.
You bring back memories of the Oklahoma Panhandle. I missed the dust bowl itself, but when we lived there in the mid-70s, we saw too many dust storms, allowing me to "see" what people endured in the 30s. You bring life to your descriptions.
The one glitch I find is the repetition of some words: life, again. Also it would help if you kept to one verb tense, rather than go from past to present and back to past.
The story you tell in the imagery of the poetic language you use is strong and well done.
The one suggestion I have that would make it easier for readers to understand would be to use necessary punctuation. As the poem is now, ideas and thoughts run together.
I enjoyed your poem very much, even though the message was sad although true.
You have given us another great newsletter. Thanks for tkaing the time, effort, and energy to give us helpful information to aid us in our writing endeavors.
You not only give us information we can use, but you have written it so that we can understand as well as use the information.
You are my source of inspiration when it comes to poetry forms. Now everyone has access to all your research, and no one has to wait for Poetry Newsletters to read about them.
I'm so glad you brought your research back with you. You are a definite asset to Writing.Com.
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Your haiku has the correct syllable count. I like the message it contains, too.
It is always a good idea to check your spelling. Described is the correct spelling.
Very, very funny poem. I enjoyed your foray into a nightmare of peanut butter and jelly and sweet pickle sandwich. *shivers* You deserve whatever you get after eating that.
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