This is at the first draft stage; much fine-tuning yet to be done. It draws from classic story archetypes and closely follows the form of the Moses story, yet also has touch of the Cinderella story. If inspired from Tolkien, (our protagonist is a elf princess, with a name in Quenya form)it is on the right track in drawing from the form of a biblical story. Working on keeping the tense of all sentences uniform will create a major improvement.
I see a good deal of potential in the opening of this work. Some Background has been laid in a brief preface, Two sets of experience in the vampyre society are then juxtaposed in the resulting first chapter.
There are editing issues that spellcheck can't catch (the use of they're for their, as an example.)
Mostly, I suggest a rework that takes a hard look at how much is being just stated, rather than shown or described. At one point a new word is introduced (a vampyre word) and following it in parentheses is the factual translation, that it means "warrior." Really this needs to be shown. Don't settle for dictating or providing captions, That's too stand-offish.
Dialogue for the most part is believable. An example that could be reworked is: "....That is a quality every Vampyre doesn't possess." It can be written without the negative contraction to sound more natural. Maybe as: "Hard-headedness is a rare Vampyre quality."
In this freeform poem, I like the brief descriptions of starscapes and space travel.
Images are also presented linguistically, in what I believe is a purposefully awkward form. It gives the poem some symetry, but makes it feel alien.
The ending is too swift - There is the introduction of warring races and then it touches on a love, a possible relationship, but that's where it ends and the two parts seem disjointed without the followthrough on what the love is imagined to become.
I used to love making lullabyes for my children when they were babes awake at 2-4am. Usually I relied on replacing words to old lullabyes, not taking a completely original take.
So, how beautiful for me to see this tribute to Jean. He is blessed to be brought up in a house full of love, and to be taught it is so from his mother's lovely words. And it is both lovely and lyrical in both English and Spanish, my friends.
I follow the narrative nature of this poem well. I often find it difficult to do so in much of the poetry I read, whether it s rhymed or freeform. A few words used are near-rhymes, but most choices are quite good.
The topic comes across as so personal and yet, it is of course universal for its touching upon single motherhood, separation or divorce, and child defiance
I noted a few spelling errors that would not have been picked up by computer Spellcheck - words made posessive, when they did not need to be (just plural in most of the instances). I'm even willing to go through it again to point out the problem words. The technical aspects, however are not the main component to my review.
I enjoyed the retelling of this family Christmas, as it is unlike my personal experiences, yet knowing it is a truthful glimpse into this reservation lifestyle is important to me. It was sad to think of a large family being separate so much of the time due to boarding school arrangements.I feel the people being described is handled well. Even more physical description wouldn't hurt.
Quite a story, too bad the joyriding Chuckie didn't get service revolvers pointed at him! In a few places the sentences read a bit awkward. "Like a well precision mechanical instrument..." sounds like a straight redo of the cliche: "like a well oiled machine." Try to simplify, and it sounds better as, "Like a precise mechanical instrument."
To even have an interest in the poetic form of the sonnet is an accomplishmnet in itself.
I would say your piece, Sonnet on a One-time Friend, is only missing some clarity. You mention that you intend to write an explanation for this sonnet soon. Before you do that, maybe just rework your choice of words. Especially the final line, it needs to be stronger, not forced in language, as it now seems (there's plenty of option to rhyme with "late").
I think some authors often find it very difficult to be truthful when writing at the height of the turmoil. You build walls around the source of the emotion rather than expressing the actual feeling. I can guess this has happened here, based on your topic.
Also, try to resolve this: if you would forgive the friend, then the truce perhaps is late, but not "too late." That phrasing holds a finality that is counter to your imagined change of heart.
I got confused by your organization, but much enjoyed your thorough list. I think between me and my spouse nearly all have been watched. (That either garners us yet another *G*E*E*K sticker each, or stands as proof of our long-standing gaming mentalities still being intact.)
Is the one you can't remember: Day of the Triffids?
You should check out/try your hand at Spidey's Sci-Fi Movie Trivia! (Search for it)
There is beautiful imagery here, and I feel it is ably assisted by the color-combination words chosen. Using color this way definitely directs the reader to muse over sunset memories, plus the additional visual element of the lake opens up the imagination. It's marvelous to think that no one would ever have the same image stray through his or her mind upon reading this poem.
The second stanza did pull me out of the experience, as I lost the sense of this piece describing sunset by mentioning "the promise of a new day
Coming to me after the sleepless night"
Fortunately, the poet's lyrical powess shows me that it can be reworked for clarity with little problem.
Big smile on the face. Bigger than Sponge Bob's embarrassed "cheeky" smirk when he rips his pants for the fifteenth time. No mention of being afraid of maniacal Plankton...unless he's the one responsible for Red Lobster taking Krabby patties off the menu...hmmm?
The first sentence gives a clear image. The next three are lyrical statements, but muddy or mixed in my opinion.
But, understand, I appreciate poetry that has a message and many poets are very straightforward in stating that that is not what poetry (especially free verse) is for them.
If this author is trying to attach emotion to the flower or from the rose's perspective ("thy heart"), more explanation might help. Secondly, using the word "flurry" then "unruffled" is part of what I find mixed.
I enjoyed the read. I had a little trouble with the final line of the first stanza. The turned-around sentence structure where most other lines come out as a question seem to work OK, but getting the brain to accept that first one, caused a short stall. Still nice for what I perceive was a relaxed(?) twenty minute effort.
I am giving you a review on your writing, not your politics. I found your style to be well-developed for a young writer. Perhaps you already have some journalistic experience in school? My point being, I think you come off as well as many professional opinion writers. If this were a full-fledged article, it would be your job to show more specific examples of the vagueness you are trying to identify in the candidate's words.
There's simple, clear imagery in your piece.
I think there is more you can do to expand on it.
"Forever changing but always the same."
Think on that one; it can be both in referenct to the ocean and the wave rider.
You can strengthen the "voice" of this poem by removing a qualifier:
"Feeling as if ..."
My favorite line follows:
"I'm floating forever on the sea of eternity."
It stands alone well.
Colors, colors, I love it! LAbor Day doesn't seem such a so-so holiday anymore when I realize it coincides with Writing.com's birthday. Special contests and things like this that suddenly change the everyday appearance (and scripting! -quadruple points-Yay!)really do spice things up! Thanks to all contributing to the 2004 Party Central.
GiftPoints are addictive fun. Ok, there's more to it than I knew. And it's always nice to find a resource when one needs to refresh the memory about how these perks work at Writing.com
I feel this includes everything one would need to know to make an informed decision about upgrading membership. Plus, even better, it does not read like a bank's Terms of Agreement.
Oh true, so true...my four year old has declared recently that she will join a different family as a solution to her woes.
My favorite line here, "The Shrine of Whine, her words malign...." Makes me think of some of my favorite Shel Silverstein poetry from "Where the Sidewalk Ends."
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