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You have a wonderful insight into yourself here. We (people in general) do not seem to have learned how to distinguish such an important grey area of being social. I'd call it a leadership capacity. (And not all leaders are at all times willing ... think of Moses.) Extroverted Introvert. It is not a new idea, but it is wonderful how you present it, in describing yourself.
An engrossing depth is the highlight of this tribute, and the whole of it surprises the reader upon reading to the end and finding it is less than 500 words! I wished for a touch of clarification and/or expansion here and there, but it is likely the author wanted the piece to be brief. The mix of mystery and history allows for a good read.
I am drawn to the title -- for myself, I'd want to use it in the poem. I do like the concept, a mother contemplating this little outdoor moment. And I know that you can guide the reader to see the mother's admiration, but nearly sad reluctance to let time proceed. There's more here to build on.
Listen now, this is where I want to make an honest assessment, but not be deemed harsh. Maybe you have young readers that you intend the poem to reach, so the simplicity of its purpose might be best as it is. But if I assume that is not the case, let's address this. The phrases, "happy as can be" and "Making lasting memories" are trite. Can you hear how common those phrases sound? Aspire to engage all the senses in poetry. It is easy to allow advertising slogan-like statements to replace the real actions you are wanting to describe and hold in memory.
I can also use this line: "Out under that bare old oak tree" as an example. I felt the rhythm got thrown off at this line. Even with a simple poem, through each word you use, your reader should end up approximately where you are picturing the action. So point is, how many of the words in this one line are needed by the reader? What do you want them to see? We are already outdoors, the children under the tree. Probably with leaves on the ground we picture the tree as bare. That last point could be argued either way, sure. But, what is it about the tree that's central to the poem. Is it just the location? Go deeper with what you captured and you can transform this poem's ending to seeing with the mother's heart. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
I am always impressed by the poetry that states inherent truth with uncomplicated words, making a mental image that can be universally acknowledged. This is a piece of poetry like that. The fourth stanza ties into the idea of a thing being taken for granted, however -- for me -- because it did not hold me, connected to a mental image relating to a face, it derailed slightly for me there. I still believe that can be altered to have just the slightest tie-in.
Oi! Great characterization and word choice. I understand it is just a vignette, but as usual, I almost always encourage writers to expand when the piece is so polished. Take note that for any reader unfamiliar with Tolkien's Middle Earth (Yes there are some), this piece might not connect fully. Even knowing this for myself, I got a bit lost at the end -- just a bit more description in the final lines to make it clear that the "visitor" is another of the alien visitors, I think. Cheers!
What an insightful way to get a greater percentage of WDC users to be forthcoming and welcoming in the presentation of a Bio Block. I would support this being a continuous contest.
A decent tribute to the bond these committed people shared. There are two areas where the poem needs a little more attention to detail. Perhaps it is what could be termed awkward and might be improved. For me, the third stanza forces the rhyme scheme and the interjecting statement at least he didn't talk about it stalls the flow of the sentence. And, the second to the last stanza, expresses everything in present tense, while the rest of the poem is carried by past-tense verbs. I know what you were going for, but it causes a bit of a speed bump in the reading, in my opinion.
It's likely you knew each of them from their most recent interactions as a married couple, so the description of the nurse as one who helps{/} and supports does sound more like a wife role. If you want to bring forward that Nurse archetype, then use the word healing somewhere.
I am sure that your effort has touched the sorrowful soldier nonetheless.
Like most of the short poetry or prose that I review here, I encourage you to make this piece longer. Once you have expanded on it, you may, in truth, still want to only put a shorter form of it up on-line: As it is true there are more people willing to review shorter pieces.
The best lines in this, as it is presented now, are:
Have you seen the winds as they claim the leaves,
howling through with a mighty breeze?
Have you seen the man all dressed in dark,
have you seen him when he's knocked?
Work from here...I see potential to focus seasonally; these pairs of lines evoke the Fall season, high winds and the mystery of Death come knocking. Think how all the rest of it could be pulled together of there were more pairings like this for each of the four seasons
Others have written on this topic - Here's a quote from The Little Prince, "What is essential is invisible to the eye."
Very good micro fiction. I encourage you to whittle away words that are not definitive. In the second line, do away with "could be." See, how it still states what is needed? At the end of that paragraph, also, an -ed ending to the verbs instead of -ing smooths the cadence of the sentence.
Thanks for joining. I'll be happy to read more another time.
Just as joining a community of writers opens one's eyes to how many people crave an outlet for their creative writing, this memorial brings the feeling of awe full-circle. This is a respectful way to highlight the writers denoted by white cases. This informative collection allows a greater understanding of the depth of connection made by communicating through the written word.
The description, "Time is fluid" is like an advertising "tagline" you've given this piece, In Passing." And I think it is well-stated, it gets me ready to read your poem. I think that the poem in its simplicity is quite deep. It is the type of piece I would hold onto for another reading, because in another time, even just in another moment, it may open up differently for me.
The lack of immediate clarity in the mind of a reader might be a drawback too. I, like many readers, struggle a bit with poetry. Sometimes it's easy to feel like an incompetent reader because, particularly with poetry, you feel that you can never be sure what the author really felt and wanted to convey.
Up to the point where it introduces "Waterfall" as an image, I am in space, I am on a Universal level. So, the following idea of footprints not lasting on the shore makes me think more of the ocean and walking in sand. This also would keep the metaphor on a grand scale, as opposed to a waterfall and river. Certainly I think that could still be a part of it, but if you see what I am connecting to, you might see how the poem could expand.
I'm sure the system would alert me if I had reviewed this particular poem before. I'm fairly sure I did read it over once before (but scampered away without reviewing then). I wanted to at least make the comment that the brief description hooks well. I wonder if it catches the attention of Tolkien fans more often than not? Aragorn and Arwen have their story relegated, for the most part to the LOTR Appendices.
A very good observation toward the way fact mirrors fiction.
A sweet, fine path your poem evokes. It makes me wish the end stanzas were not sad, and rooted in reality. From about the time the voice of the poem questions if she could manage without glasses, I saw a reversal that could have taken the ending either way. There's a phrase here and a break there that are awkward, and could be improved. Overall, however, it is a joy to read and go along for the journey.
Maybe this is like my house, where if one too many electrical things get turned on, the circuit switches off to avoid a larger overload. But for a short piece of prose like this, there's a bit of something that hangs the reader up without even a cause or slight explanation. The reader has to wonder, "Why the lamp and the digital clock, but not the light at the switch?"
"Yelp that hangs in the air" is an interesting thing to say, but its awkwardness could be avoided. As it is, the rhythm stalls there and while I admit, you could add a strong sense of time passage with this part, just adding a strong action verb could do wonders.
I do like the ironic line at the end, as it is so universally understood. That accomplishment is the best part of your work, "Technical Difficulties" .
The action in this of course reminds me of the Troll troubles from Tolkien's The Hobbit. I also was reminded of one of my favorite scenes from the movie, Ladyhawk. Matthew Broderick's character talks to himself, and when he thinks he's being stalked in the woods he suddenly starts talking in different voices to make it sound as if he's with a group of armed men (before he runs like crazy).
The description of the surroundings is quite good. I see it all as if I am the character. There's almost no description employed for our main character, which leaves me a little wanting, but not a fault , really. I might not have identified so readily if there was a drawn-out characterization.
In the action, he call's out. "Their over here!" "Their" should be replaced with "They're." Done for an e-zine, hmm? Still keeping that venture up?
This is more a fluid piece of prose, but I like you, do little in a true poetic form. The story seems true to life for the place any man can find themselves searching but unaware.
I very much like the valley image as the man gives himself over to faith. I do have something to note on the imagery here: "distant thunder" is a cliche, and in the place where you use it, I think it would be the opposite - the sound would be tremendous and close to cause echoing.
Another beautiful line: "the warm air rolled over my body
like gentle silk,"
I do understand the idea in your relating comfort in "the ground below caressed my feet like the hands of a slave to it’s master," but just the terms slave and master seem wrong.
I would suggest refining this one more; it's been sometime since you posted it - I find that such a distance can be very helpful to profound rewriting. I hope you share this with many more people.
Why you're always a favorite read, Bill - variety. I do not think I had yet created a niche in my brain pairing billwilcox with goth. Well, now there is such a space. I am impressed by the first quatrain where "moon" and "ruin" give an unexpected rhyme. That ABAB pattern doesn't come up again, however, and I guess I was expecting it.
The only phyiscal switch you might try (for pleasing my poetic pallet, don't know about anyone else) is to switch the 3rd and 4th quatrain's positions. Read it over again, and you'll see that if the lightning happens first, then seeing the witch follows logically. My additional hope is that you would expand this poem into something longer.
A challenge to get the vampire story enthusiasts of "Invalid Item" [] by A Guest Visitor writing on a contemporary bent has been well met by our leader, DragonWrites~The Fire Faerie~. I most enjoyed the essay by a vampire within the story. This is the most engrossing part of the piece.
It is a much longer piece than I am usually capable of cranking out for an assignment. Kudos for that; plus it is a good length. I think with the length comes the curse of not wanting to proofread. I did notice a bit of verb tense flip-floppery and very few typos (but one's that could've been caught by spellcheck (i.e., agains where it should be against).
An informative piece that indirectly raises a good question. Should each of us have a port piece that documents the meaning each give the rating numbers?
A couple of technical points for the author: Okay, you use spellcheck, that's a step above many people. Here's what you missed. In your second line the word "list" should be "listed." Third paragraph, last line "author's" should be "authors'." Then there's a space needed before each use of parentheses - however that may have been a ML Writing format or programming error the author had no control over.
Your story is engrossing. Let me say first off, however, I believe you can make it much stronger by writing more entries. Make it an agonizing wait for the end if you like. My pleasure to have you ask for a review from the Fantasy Review Room. Here's my suggestions.
Last line in the first paragraph needs reworking…. “and even though I am very familiar with how it will go down, or maybe because I am, I shudder…” that statement is repeating rather than clarifying.
“Without the unlikely….” (Sixth line, fourth paragraph) try to keep clarity and avoid this double negative
(Many of the descriptive lines after, “I can recognize them all now.”) Cumbersome – break them up, (even if you have to employ parentheses). That’s not to imply the descriptions are at all wrong. This is a very strong part of the story. Don’t make your reader rush through it by presenting every demonic description in one continuous line.
Problem – why can’t this man just carry a torch to the camp of fellow men in good supply? I know it’s an allegory, but as you introduced the others nearby, my mind comes to this conclusion once I came to understand that while his fire has dimmed, the demons ARE still held at bay. Is there something to add to your allegory that explains reluctance or shame keeping him from contact with others in the same situation?
Ah, my friend, your life is blessed. It is wonderful to have someone describe their own theological impressions and choices in written form. And for the interested Tolkien fan, I think you have done an excellent service to readers by incorporating that favorite author's lesser known work to illustrate your point about discord being allowed in the Creator's musical score.
A thoroughly engrossing read - those crafting in the genre of Science Fiction so often fail to hook the reader quickly enough through anything beyond immediate battle. I only sense some male-centeredness that's distasteful, but dismiss it in the moment, as it could be integral to the overall social context of this story and character development. So, that said, the story unfolds with good drama based in everyday interactions - the cloak and dagger, political history, quantum mechanics lessons slipping in pretty effortlessly. Intergalactic war looms, but it is not the jumping off point for this story - my thanks. It's much more satisfying to me when it's laid out more like a mystery - threads and quick character intros twine together to the subtle but strong lure of what the story leads to.
This story is meaty with the promise of action. There's a sweet layer of social commentary easily infusing the backstory. Intelligent, and wordy in a way I relish. I want to keep reading, as it all comes off feeling genuine, eventhough I know it is fiction. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
What a blessed turn of phrases - It hurts my heart to know the truth of it. I have been close to the caregiving for both age spectrums. Having ragged nerves does allow careless words to erupt. The title and the line you used from the piece as the brief description works very well.
Please correct the typo "gew" at "The child (grew)." I noticed the rhyme scheme stopped at the line ending with "Please look and see." I wouldn't rewrite, necesarily, but this thought popped in my head, "This scrape is not the only one." And know that the power of the message transcends these minor points.
The opening paragraph of the story is graphic and descriptive. Not only are you receiving images of a wild, desperate landscape, but, as the title suggests, a state of mind. This is not just a mood piece, it has deeper levels of meaning. Read on, and you get that taste of eeriness that television's Twilight Zone used to deliver when it aired in syndication at midnight.
Like those satisfying quick trips "to another dimension," this story is over suddenly, but it is perhaps one of those times when it is best to let the reader's mind ponder its logical(?) or possible conclusions.
I am very appreciative for this explanation on the benefit of item Stats. I did run into a point where my head was swimming, so that by the time I reached the section: A Realistic Example with Analysis, I skipped then had to go back in to get the full understanding; This may be more my fault than the author's
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