*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wally1950
Review Requests: OFF
615 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
1
1
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (3.0)
The title attracted my attention. While my perception of ACA, Obamacare, is one of yet another example of boneheaded politics I'll try to give you an honest review of the writing.



The America will be universally insured, and all citizens will be treated by medical physicians; or so it seems. (The America?) (The sentence needs total revision.)

...in the preparation process for just over 2 years has many flaws. (The article is not technical in nature. I would avoid using numbers. Does "just over two years" mean that they have only had a short time to prepare or more than adequate time to prepare for the legislation? - ...in the preparation process for over two years has many flaws. - ...in the preparation process for slightly more than two years has many flaws.)

Many who have attempted to apply for their health care through the official site... (The article is clearly about health care. I would simplify: Many who have attempted to apply through the official site... )

Among those who oppose the new law, there are complaints that Congress is violating the commerce clause of the Constitution, which grants Congress the power 'to regulate commerce... among the several states.' They state, that "while Congress has used its taxing power to fund Social Security and Medicare, never before has it used its commerce power to mandate that an individual person engage in an economic transaction with a private company." (While it does not show in this review, it appears that a portion of this article is cut and pasted from another source. The change of font style and size gives it away. Even though the opinion may be widely accepted by many, I would include the source.)

There is already a shortage of physicians, and other health care workers, in America, and as the numbers rise of people who obtain health insurance the need for more health care workers will also rise. (Suggest a rewrite: There is already a shortage of physicians and other health care workers in America. As the numbers of people who obtain health insurance rises the need for more health care workers will also rise.)


...only hope that it doesn't take another 2 years before the American government... (Same as above. ...another two years...)

A little editing is all it needs.


Wally

2
2
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (2.5)

I usually avoid polls. This one I see every time I look at the Political Genre. It is most viewed, so this time I decided to take a look.



Don't ask which President is srewing up your country, ask which President you can srew up with this poll.
Don't ask which President is screwing up your country, ask which President you can screw up with this poll.

Who do you think is the worst U.S. President of the United States, based on your own opinion, no matter how many mistakes they made or not what is your opinion
Who do you think is the worst U.S. President of the United States, based on your own opinion, no matter how many mistakes they made or not? What is your opinion?


I can't vote. The poll has not been updated to include Obama.

Wally

3
3
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)

An enlightening little piece. Even doing a little research, only gathering info for a story, can cause a deluge of unwanted intrusions. I now have three tags, Love, PC and Sale. Where they came from, beats me.


A few minor things you might want to look at. Most only slight changes in punctuation or a missing word:

...even when you provide them with hundreds of examples SEO manipulation.) (hundreds of examples of SEO)

(Sorry, for those who may not know, a SEO managers stands for Search Engine Optimizer...) (Sorry for those who may not know, SEO manager stands for Search Engine Optimizer...)

...the internet. I know its mean to say that, but working on the net, you become acutely cynical. (its mean - it's mean) (I know it's mean to say that, but, working on the net, you become acutely cynical.)

Look my friends, only we the users can stop these guys. (Look my friends, only we, the users, can stop these guys.)

Anytime you are asked, for the money before you can see the merchandise. It is a scam, let me repeat this if you are offered a deal, some super secret, information that is going to make you rich, and the only thing you need to do, is pay them for the cost of printing, and organizing the information. It is a scam, not most of the time! But EVERY TIME! (Anytime you are asked for the money before you can see the merchandise it is a scam. Let me repeat this: If you are offered a deal, some super-secret information, that is going to make you rich and the only thing you need to do is pay them for the cost of printing and organizing the information, it is a scam. Not most of the time! But EVERY TIME!)

If you are using Firefox you just click on help, then report fake website... (If you are using Firefox, just click on help, then report fake website...)

I don’t know how to report these issues with MS Explorer they make it hard to report anything I guess they don’t care. (I don’t know how to report these issues to MS Explorer, they make it hard to report anything. I guess they don’t care.)


Wally
4
4
Review of The Seventh Day  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
I guess this would be recent long-term memory loss. Scary stuff.

I'm reminded of a movie from a few years ago. I no longer remember the movie's name or the name of the main character. He awoke every day not remembering the day before. A forgettable story? Maybe, or could it be that I suffer from a longer-term condition? In any event, the theme, as in your very short tale, remains.



The only suggestion I have is to work a little on the formatting. It looks like indents may have been lost when the story was pasted in. Separate paragraphs with a line space. Although some sentences could be combined to make longer paragraphs I think, for this piece, I would leave them as they are.



What would it be like? On a personal level, is this the end of life? In the end, are we little more than our collection of memories?

Certainly something to ponder.

Very interesting.

Wally

5
5
Review of Women and Nascar  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

I kind of came upon your essay by accident. I'll have to look for more.


Ah, you'll have to update, Danica sits on the pole for the 2013 Daytona 500.

Actually, to me, way too much about Danica Patrick. Someone today suggested we have a drinking contest, take a drink every time Danica's name is mentioned. I just can't do it, I'd be drunk before halfway. How about Johnanna Long (sp)? She usually finishes ahead of Danica, but hardly gets a mention.

I really got a smile picturing you and hubby sitting with your bears watching the race.

Terrible wreak at Daytona today (Nationwide Series). No real race fan ever wants to see something like this happen.


A few things I noticed:

First paragraph - Which Jeff?

Kasey is my favorite one anymore. (Maybe an unusual way of saying it, but OK.)

I would love have gone to the Brickyard Nascar Race yesterday. (love have gone - love to have gone)

I have rwo of Ryan's cars with his old number 12 on them. (rwo - two)

If I wasyounger, I would get behind the wheel myself. (wasyounger - was younger)



I rarely plug one of my stories, but then, I rarely run into a NASCAR fan. "Fuel Strategy." Beyond the faulty science of "water to fuel" (Burn Water, another story) you would probably find something relating to NASCAR.


Enjoyed your essay.

Wally

6
6
Review of Nonnative Species  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)
Is that the one they are trying to catch in Florida?

That Larry has probably got a great future ahead of him.

Again nothing to offer in the way of improvement. A great, very short humorus tale ending in a tall tale.

Nicely done.

Wally

7
7
Review of A Good Friend  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: ASR | (5.0)

I would say this is good advice for not only friends but also for all acquaintances.

You touch upon one of the most important things...listen, honestly listen. It is painfully obvious when someone, instead of listening to what you have to say, is only interested in composing what they will say next.

If you have a big butt, don't ask unless you really want to know. This is also friendship, not putting your friend in an awkward position. If you don't ask, I'm not going to tell.


As the writing goes, I have nothing to offer. The piece is well written and to the point.


Wally

8
8
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)
An interesting, informative and humorous piece.

A couple points I would add:

Relative to our solar system we are zipping around faster during the midnight hour, when we should be sleeping, than at high noon, when we should be working.

If you want to get out of this global rat-race move to one of the poles.


Well written.

Wally

9
9
Review of Don't Clone Me  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Interesting story. I enjoyed reading it.

At one point I thought it might be a good idea to update it a little, 1997 , President Clinton, but realized that I would probably not recognize the group names and productions if you did.


Just a few things you might want to look at:

“Yes. Uh… Mrs. Randel? This Principal Kent from Drexel High,” he explained. (This is Principle Kent)

“That was your mother,” Mr. Kent told me. Why is it that adults have such a knack stating the obvious. (a knack for stating)

This was the first time I was actually in the room with both of them when they were discussing your favorite anti-conformist. (your?)

My mother’s words kept ringing in my head. Both his father and I have always said that he was crazy… We’re guessing it’s some kind of paranormal seed. (I would put in italics as thought. At least in quotes.)

That’s when she snapped. She got her coffee mug. It was still pretty full it seemed and she just through it against the wall. (threw)

You wouldn’t have to deal with me. Hell, you’ll even loose a mouth to feed!” (lose)

Out of some morbid curiosity I wanted to know exactly those monsters were planning. (exactly what those)

Finally at the very of the hall there was a bare door. (very end of)

I knew this wasn’t going to end in a very pretty manner as I walked in practically to my doom as a Randel. (?)

But what else what YOU do if life (as you know it) was going up in smoke due to pure evil? (? - But what else would you do)

He snapped his fingers and the two nurses on steroids came had to use brute force to hold me down. (came and had)

The other nurse pressed a button on a computer and the oxygen mask filled up some kind of sedative. (filled up with some)


There are a number of places where a line space is needed between paragraphs, probably lost formatting when pasted.


The writing is clean. It very well represents what might be expected from one of today's entitled teenagers. Only a few of those pesky missed words remain. When you know the story as well as the author does they can be very elusive. I copy and paste while reading, commenting afterward. Some of these lines I had to read a couple of times to figure out what was wrong and why I copied them.

Wally





10
10
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Pretty well written. You got your view across without calling me names or yelling at me. A big plus.

I saw little in the construction to comment on.


As for a little counterpoint:

"With great power comes great responsibility." (Spiderman's Uncle Ben Parker) OK, not the first but possibily the most remembered using this line.

Kim Jung-Un, really? I wouldn't allow him to play with a string of firecrackers.

There are bullies and there are protectors. I guess deciding which is which is only a point of view.


If these reports are correct, then North Korea has every reason to be highly alert and ready for war.

"If" and "then" are dangerous words. I don't know what reports you cite. Brigadier General Neil Tolley? Who later recanted? There are facts and there are rumors or outright fictions. Before I'll consider changing my views I need the facts.



North Korean leadership has finally got annoyed with... (gotten)



Wally


11
11
Review of Memento Mori  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
You'll have that when manufacturers don't adhere to ANSI publications.

A quick and effective use of dialog.

I did suspect the ending. With a few changes I might leave it up to the reader to decide the final outcome.

Well written. I enjoyed your story.

Wally
12
12
Review of Racism  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

So, I guess you are only prejudiced against dwarfs.

A one sided conversation, a bit unorthodox, but effective in getting your point across.

I suppose I could be defined as a Dutch-German American. At least that is what I’ve been told about my nearly forgotten ancestors.

At one time I was involved in the hiring process. It was un-questionable policy to give extra consideration to minorities, women and people from Appalachia. Being an ignorant Appalachian hillbilly I always thought it was a put-down for my kind, but I guess thems in power knows best.

I’m an old, conservative, white man, so of course I am also a bigot, but you may still find something useful.

The piece could use a little editing. A couple of examples:

Wait, you meant skin color? Well . . . . It's on the white side . . . . with a bit of peach . . . . perhaps a peachy off-white?
Wait, you meant skin color? Well…It's on the white side…with a bit of peach…perhaps a peachy off-white.

…trying to "protect" the other colors with a bunch of laws and the such. (and such)

It doesn’t need much. A part of the appeal is in the fragmented sentences.


One thing I would change is the beginning. As written it is set apart from the rest.

Name: Kuro Ameiro

Age: Not saying

Gender: Female

Race: Human, unfortunately. I wish I was…

Consider something like:

My name? OK, it’s Kuro Ameiro.

No, my age is none of your business.

Why does it make any difference what my gender is?

Alright, female, if you must know.

Race? Now that’s a dumb question. I’m human, unfortunately. I wish I was…


Wally
13
13
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Welcome to WDC.

You make some good points. There are only so many jobs and in our competitive world. It is the goal for goods suppliers to provide more with even lower labor costs. It is that or fail. Advancing technology changes everything. Where once it took 100 men to feed a thousand people it now takes only 10 men to feed a million.

People are born and must be taken care of until they become of age where they can contribute to the workforce. At some point, they must then again be taken care of. All major economies rely on an increasing population for this pyramid system to work. Due, in great part to inflation, the base (workers) must continually expand to support those who must eventually leave the workforce. It is a system that is doomed to eventual failure.


A few questions, comments and suggestions:

Why are food prices getting more and more expensive? (Are prices getting more and more expensive? Consider something like: Why is food getting more and more expensive? - OR - Why are food prices getting higher?)

What about those outrages gas prices? (outrageous)

Well, it means there is more competition. for jobs, ... (comma)

Maybe find alternate means of moving from place to place. (This seems to be transportation and not house to house. I would make it transportation. Maybe find alternate means of transportation.)

Become more involved with local businesses and maybe even the politics. (Is this politics in general? If so I would leave out "the", else define the "politics of XXX.")

Our buildings reaching the sky, while the earth below them is becoming hollow. (This is a fragmented sentence, not that I can't appreciate the form when it adds something. Consider something like: Our buildings reach for the sky, while the earth below them is becoming hollow.)

Imagine a world were only the rich can have chocolate? (where)



There is no major problem in the writing. It is easier to see other's errors than our own. Authors know what it is supposed to say and not always what it says. We are simply so close to the work that many times we can't see the trees for the forest. A little more editing is all it needs.


Wally

14
14
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)

Nicely done essay.

I don't think we fully realise what we are getting ourselves into. We have two daughters. That's enough to worry about, but now it's also two sons in law and five grandkids.

We have two granddaughters staying tonight. We had all five for three days 2 weeks ago. Grandma and grandpa just ain't as young as we used to be.



Just a few minor things to look at:

Lollieta was my fathers mother. (father's)

...peanut butter and jam sandwiches that magically tasted better than my moms. (mom's - sandwiches implied)

...story of my father cutting off a chickens head for the first time and laughing as it ran around with it’s head cut off. (chicken's) (its)

“You act like a chicken with it’s head cut off.”. (its)

My mother went through and amazing metamorphosis... (an)

Much like the caterpillar becoming a butterfly. (Fragment. A fragment can add a slightly different tone to the story. This one doesn't seem to. I would add it to the preceding sentence.)

Hugs were not given often to myself or my siblings... (me)

Kaye, my older sister brought a new twist to grandma hood. (I would probably hyphenate grandma-hood)

...emboldened me to an unfamiliar and redesigned concept of grand mothering. (Hmmm. I would consider inventing a new word, grandmothering.)

...reading a book to her quiet brood of little grand babies. (grandbabies is a word)

I stopped here though there are more. Nothing but a few missed words in a few places.


Wally






15
15
Review of Glimpse  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Glimpse

Glimpse is the right title.

A glimpse of what might have been and into the imperfection of the leaders attempting to change the future by rewriting the past. It appears there was some error in the programming.

A good story on several levels.

Wally

16
16
Review of Bloody  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

She’s certainly a bloody sociopath or psychopath, can’t remember which is which, maybe she’s both, but also has a bit of a sense of humor.

I found the story quite interesting and entertaining. You said it was a work in process so as I read I started to dread that blank coming up at the end.

Since I am a suspicious person I find her lack of curiosity suspicious when she and John first met. So John is onto her.

But, maybe not.


There is little help I can offer other than something for consideration. The story has a very good beginning. Write the end of the story next. Then fill in the rest. In short stories this works for me.


Just a few minor things to look at:

They are probably the most personal relationship I have ever had besides my parents. (relationships)

I was staying at a friends when it happened. (friend’s)

The neighbors and my parents friends didn’t know the difference… (parents’)


Wally

17
17
Review of From The Pigs  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Well done. Descriptive without being wordy. Well edited, I did have to look up "centring" and "scarpering."

Hardly Robin's band of merry men. You have to wonder if any of them were pursuing an idealistic, but flawed, agenda or were they all simply a bunch of thugs.

Nicely done story. Glad I read it.

Wally



18
18
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)

I tend to point out negatives more than the positives. After all, the story/article is here for everone to read.

In this one I have nothing in the way of corrections or suggestions to offer. The article is well written and well edited.

I rate not on content, but composition. It does not matter whether I agree or disagree. It matters if I feel I am being presented a rational argument or if the author is yelling at me.



Historic landmarks are being renamed because the original name is offensive. Atlanta Braves and Cleveland Indians...offensive. If our history offends us then wipe it out and replace it. I have a 5 year old granddaughter, I wonder, when she is twenty, what the history of the United States might be.

As a youngster we only had a clear picture on one of the three TV channels. Gunsmoke was not on the one we could receive. It was not until much later that I've seen those old reruns. In one, Matt catches one of the bad guys. After slapping him around a little, he says something like, "If you don't tell me what I want to know, I'm gonna beat you somethin' awful." Clearly not something we, as civilized human beings, could accept today. Well, just maybe, only this one time, if one of our loved ones was in danger.


A defining statement:

If someone wants to discredit a well thought out argument, all he/she has to do is claim the argument is offensive and not politically correct. No matter how logical an argument for or against something is, it will be discarded and thought of as prejudice if someone deems it politically incorrect.

If there has ever been a frustrating moment in my life, this is it. I have always considered myself a logical person, willing to debate, even compromise when facts contrary to my beliefs are presented. This is the ender. This is the point when you realize that you are trying to reason with an unreasonable, irrational person.


Nice done. Glad I read it. You covered it well.

Wally

19
19
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)

One of the greatest is the failure of the individual to do the right thing according to their own set of morals, or supposed morals. We have billionaires wanting the government to impose taxes on all multi-millionaires and billionaires, but simply don't understand the concept of leading by example.

We want more from those who have more than we do, but give nothing to those even less advantaged then we are.

We don't like the views given in an editorial, so we attack the author. No thought to free speech or presenting reasoned opposing argument. Just burn the writer at the stake.

We don't like the video games our kids play, sign petitions and have the government ban them, never take personal responsibility for raising our kids.

If all people would only make one pledge, "I will not kill today. I will cause no harm. I will have compassion for my fellow man." then the world would change, but, we live in a world of reality. I am afraid that the best we will ever do is do the best we can in our lives. Lead by example.


Just something I noticed:

All I see is people complaining about how the government are causing... (People is used as singular, government as plural. While I believe people could be either, government is singular. All I see is people complaining about how the government is causing...)


The main problem is not with content, but form. I read two of your stories and the reviews you've given, so I think the problem is in pasting the story. Much of the formatting is lost in the process, including indents. Open the story in edit and put in a line space between paragraphs. As it is, it is difficult to read.

Wally




20
20
Review of Overtime  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I have to admit the ending surprised me.

Too bad another genre couldn't be added for comedy. I could see him fishing in the gravy bowl for the keys.


Just a few things you might want to look at:

...he picked up the hot champagne, wiped the dripping water off the bottle, and looked... (A cold bottle of champagne would likely sweat. I doubt there would be any condensation on the outside of a warm bottle.)

...he put his hand in the pocket of slacks and removed the car keys. (As written, missing "his.")

He grabbed her, pulled her closer, and kissed on the lips. (This might be: kissed her on the lips, but the next line is: When their lips met, she felt as if a robot... I would delete "on the lips" and add her. - He grabbed her, pulled her closer, and kissed her.)

Before she could say anything, the doorbell ring. (rang)

Without looking through the peephole she opened to door and standing... (to - the)


Wally



21
21
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

You noticed it too?

Very good, original story.


So, simple words like danger or threat brain region associated with fear,” she continued, sliding her glasses... (Seems something like "triggers a" is missing.)


The writing is clear. Only the same concern over formatting I mentioned before. When pasting a story, much of the formatting is lost, including indents. Make reading easy, you want the reader to get to the end.


Wally


22
22
Review of DFF: Plumber Pain  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)

I've had those days as an electrical trouble-shooter. Everything works just as it is supposed to until you turn your back.



Only a couple of suggestions:

When posting put a line space between each paragraph. It is much easier when reading from a monitor. Most of the story is dialog, which makes a lot of one line paragraphs, but it is widely accepted.


The plumber scratched his chin and looked down at the still waters of the toilet. “Well sir, I don’t see anything. No air coming through the water, everything in the back looks fine. I’m not sure what the trouble is,”

“I swear to you. Almost every ten minutes the thing flushes,”

“I recommend you just shut the valve off. I believe you, but I don’t see anything wrong. Just call us back when it starts happening again,”

“Do you mind waiting here, for just a second?”

“Sure, no problem boss,”


NOTE: All your sentences end in commas when a period is needed in the dialog lines.

There is nothing wrong with your story that a little editing wouldn't fix.


Wally

23
23
Review of Untitled  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very good.

If there were any errors in the story I didn't notice them.

The story is fast paced and I enjoyed it.

I feel no need to reveal any of it. It's here for everyone to read.

Possibly the best part is the end. The reader is left with something to ponder.

Wally
24
24
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is only the third or fourth screen play I have reviewed. I'm not really into them, but you asked for comments.

The first part of your script with some formatting:

FADE IN:

Int. Kitchen. Day.

JAMES (15-16) is sitting at a table with a gallon jug of nonfat milk an empty glass, and a laptop with a word document open. He pours milk into the glass. The door opens.

ENTER NICOLAS CAGE (15-16) and PERCIVAL (15-16).

PERCIVAL: (Angrily, pointing) YOU!

JAMES: C’EST MOI.

PERCIVAL: YOU’RE JAMES HEISSNER!

JAMES: THAT’S MY NAME, PERCIVAL. FEEL FREE TO WHERE IT OUT. (WHERE - wear)

(James chugs his glass of milk.)

NICOLAS CAGE: WHY ARE YOU DRINKING MILK?



The all-caps is distracting. Put some line separation in. Since a script is about description and dialog, there is little to base a review on except form. Dialog is the way the characters interact and the only way we can judge their speech is in consistancy. Description, only by visuals.

It's possible that formatting has been lost in posting. Whatever the reason, it needs to be made readable before critical review of the work can be made. Do a little editing.

Wally


25
25
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)
But, what about all that great fiddle playing? Without "The Devil Came Down..." we would only have the Beverly Hillbillies theme song.

I think the kid is not a country star for the same reason that the banjo picker, in Deliverance, lives in the swamp.

I can almost imagine the sound that could be made on a solid gold violin.

But really, have you ever heard the song played backwards? It's chilling.

Wally

239 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 10 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wally1950