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26
26
Review of The small problem  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (3.5)

This review is a little harder than most. I don't like making comments on writing style. I usually read line by line and word by word, pointing out minor mistakes when I see them or logic errors when they affect the story.

For this story I see only a few such errors. What I do see is basic to what I believe a short story should be. That is my problem, invading into the realm of the storyteller.

“Houston we have a problem.”

A quote I thought I’d say for something like this. But I will begin a few days earlier. “Mr. Lane you should really shave your mustache.”

Said one of the doctors, in the N.A.S.A. medical examination room. “I will not.”

I said, “Why should I?”

“It could cause irritation in your helmet.”

He said,

“What like my nose will itch.” I laughed.

“Fine I will not make you, but don’t blame me if it’s a problem.”


This is a story that needs to be told bam, bam, bam, rapid fire, hit the points an move on.


“A1, huh Doc, just like always.”

Dr. Smith looked over his undersized glasses, “Yeah, top shape, but I’m still tellin’ you to get rid of that mustache, don’t and you’ll be sorry.”

“Sorry? Look Doc, me and this ‘stache been together a long time.”

“I warned you.”


This is not how you should write your story. No one knows the story you want to tell but you. Only an example of how to move it along. The reason for shaving will be revealed later. In a short story there is no reason to bring up anything that has no impact on the story. "Huston, we have a problem." Unless there is something later in the story that makes this statment relevent there is no need to include it. Yes, I understand that there is a line: “What the problem” Huston asked.


”But it didn’t It was horrible to skip all the way back to the shuttle. By skip I mean jump float forward a few feet for two seconds off the ground. In other words It is going to be a while to get back to the shuttle.

But it didn't. It was horrible doing that skip-shuffle back to the shuttle. It was going to take some time.

Let the reader be responsible for seeing movement on this low gravity satilite. Yes, it may not be the same for every reader but that's a part of the fun.


As I said at the beginning: This is only the opinion of one reader. If you find anything useful please consider it, else, dismissal is only a click away.

Wally
27
27
Review of Lucky At Cards  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I don't visit Western often. Glad I did after I found this tale.


Well written story covering a moment in time. The dialog fits in time and place.

From the beginning I was standing at the Longbranch's bar wondering if Matt would show up.

I saw no errors in the writing.



The insult works. The split second of anger may be all it takes to turn the tables. All I might want to see is that flash of anger in skinny-like's expression, eyes, flaired nostrils, don't know, something.

The cards had not yet been shown. I wonder what caused the outburst? A raise? Maybe the tension had been building and a simple "I'll play these" was the last straw. It seems that there should be one final reason to pull the 44.

Wally
28
28
Review of Wind Whales  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (3.0)
Good imagination.

The two stories you have posted are good examples of a creative mind.

I won't offer the usual questions, comments and suggestions.

The main problem with this story is the same as the first.

Take two or three minutes to improve the readability. It will be worth it.

Wally
29
29
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)

Good story and, despite my last comment, well written.

I enjoyed it very much.



Just a few typos to look at:

...borders of Switzerland Austria and Germany meet... (There are a couple of places needing a comma or two.)

...he would make short but accurratenotes...

There was nothing particularly unusual about his appearance, just a slight a musty smell that he recognized that couldn’t place. (its) (smell that he recognized but couldn't place OR smell that he recognized that he couldn't place)

Despite poring over his reference books until the early hours... (pouring)

Bonder asked” Claudette, tomorrow Ieave here, probably for the last time... (tomorrow I leave)

...what harm will it do to tell me your secret”. (your secret?" Bonder asked a question.)

The Sondlic Bunderhorn. (Third from last paragraph.)



While I saw only a few minor errors there is a problem with the formatting. It is somewhat difficult to read. It is apparent that paragraphs exist and, only a guess, indents were lost in pasting the story. Suggestion: When posting, to be read on a computer monitor, use a line space between paragraphs instead of indents. Much easier to read.


Wally
30
30
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (3.0)

I read your story.

I can't say that I get the point, but it is your story. Your imagination and certainly you should tell it the way you want.



There are a number of errors. Some misspellings and omitted words. There is a problem in changing tenses. Some word choice and phrasing could be better, but mainly the formatting is the problem.

I dislike including so much of an author's work in a review, but I really see only one way to bring out the point. Below is the first part of your story and a more readable version. I added only a couple words and changed one or two.



It had just been possibly the longest day of school ever,and all wanted to do was kick back on the recliner and take nap that would last the rest of my life.Well,that's what I wanted at least until I was forced into a adventure that would forever change my life. But right now, when everything was right with the world, I was riding a bus with my friend Greg Berns. Me and him, we didn't know it yet, but we were about to on the biggest fiasco of the century,or centuries.All the doom and gloom that now takes place,started with him saying,"Can you belive that test!" I replied"I know right! Who can study all that any way!" "I hate school! Why do we even have to go!" He protested in anger."Because if you don't you'll either be really awkward or really stupid."I explain to him."



It had just been possibly the longest day of school ever, and all wanted to do was kick back on the recliner and take a nap that would last the rest of my life. Well, that's what I wanted, at least until I was forced into an adventure that would forever change my life.

But right now, when everything was right with the world, I was riding a bus with my friend Greg Berns. Me and him, we didn't know it yet, were about to go on the biggest fiasco of the century, or centuries.

All the doom and gloom that now takes place, started with him saying, "Can you believe that test!"

I replied, "I know right! Who can study all that any way!"

"I hate school! Why do we even have to go!?” He protested in anger.

"Because if you don't you'll either be really awkward or really stupid,” I explained to him.




Keep writing. Keep bringing your imagination to life. Keep learning. It will come, but first make your work readable. The reader has to get to the bottom of the page.

Wally
31
31
Review of Just $29.95  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

I've read a couple reviews of "Just $29.95" and wondered why the high ratings.

I have little in the way of comment. There is no reason for me to reveal your story. It is here for everyone to read.

Only one missing word that I saw:

“What are you going do? Hypnotize me?”


And now I know the reason.

Wally
32
32
Review of Monster  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)
After my last review I felt I owed you another look.

This is imagination. This is a story, your story, and you did it very well.

Wally
33
33
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

You never know what you're going to get. Oh ,so true.

A few things I noticed:

...first class ticket with a note from an unknown airline saying it had... (The airline certainly cannot be unknown to everyone. - ...first class ticket with a note from an airline, I'd never heard of, saying it had...)

...locked up in small individual rooms throughout this compound and underwent questions... (Visually we haven't had a good look at the compound. We really don't know what throughout means. I would simplify. - ...locked up in small individual rooms in the compound and underwent questions...)

Whenever we asked our own questions we were simply told that we were... (When we ask our own questions. Whose questions would you ask? I would remove "our own" from the sentence. - Whenever we asked questions we were simply told that we were...)

And there’s a small bruise on my left shoulder. (One thing I found missing is why there would be a bruise on his shoulder or for that matter why the apparent abduction. They are being used in an experiment, but why were they chosen? For what purpose? Why the bruise?)

Certaily nothing more than my opinions, my preferrences. Use anything you find useful a toss out the rest.

Wally
34
34
Review of Alien Birth  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I was drawn to this story because of the length. It is amazing how so much can be said in so few words. I've tried a few and usually wind up near the end saying, "Just three more words, I need three more words." Well, as a kid I couldn't color within the lines either.



Much of the following may be dismissed as only my preferences.

A few questions, comments and suggestions:

...exposed goat like legs... (I would hyphenate goat-like.)

Baring canines like wolves... (I read this as showing their teeth in the same way that a wolf does and not that they have teeth similar to a wolf's teeth. If the latter, they would have wolf-like canines. There are 4 "likes" in the story. Hyphenating too many words is not good especially if they end in -like. I would probably settle for something like (that word again): Baring fangs... or more descriptive - Baring canine fangs...)

...wagging their tails like dragons... (Again they are wagging their tails in the same way that dragons do. While I can easily visualize a dragon's tail I have a harder time seeing how they wag it (Other than Avitar). I probably would get rid of one "like" and simply give them dragon tails.)

They hopped. Then they crawled. (Only for consideration: Again I tried to see this creature and wondered why it is crawling. - ...on stubby clawed forelegs they crawled... Well, maybe something better than that. Didn't check the word count.)



Wally
35
35
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)

Very well said.

So on the whole, empathy, at least by itself, risks the production of poor policy making, indulgent behavior and gratuitous sentimentalizing.

This line probably sums up the current world (at least the U.S.) today. "Have you always hated black/muslim/asian/latino/gay/(fill in any group) people." Similar to, "So, tell me, are you still beating your wife?" We no longer can have rational dialog on any controvertial issue. What was once a melting-pot nation coming together as one is now one of disenfrancized demographic targets.


Just a couple things to look at:

...get processed by the UNHCR and wait, is for those cannot afford otherwise.

For them, Australian really is a very alien place.

I do know someone and this interpreter reports that that many of them think we are...


Wally
36
36
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

I read this with the expected twist hinted at by the description below the title. I don't know, with any certainty, if I would have suspected.

Trying not to reveal the story, a few comments:

She felt almost compelled to look in Connor's eyes. She could very easily lose herself in them, she thought. Fall deeper and deeper into their depths until all was lost forever. Rosie lost track of the steps, almost stumbling before Connor... (into) (This is very close to fibbing to the reader. Only a suggestion: Expand on the stumbling, make her weaker, knees nearly buckling, something along that line, then revitalize her in the closing lines.)

They blinked in the light; almost a glare after the cool dimness of the dance floor, of the seduction began by the tango and continued by the dances that followed. (?)

I would change the story description for un-clarity.

Wally
37
37
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)

I've read a few of your submissions. This one gave me a smile.

This brought to mind a woman in a hospital cafeterria a while back. Using bluetooth, she was speaking at a volume you might use at a high school basketball game. Entertaining in a way, I guess, but most irritating when you try to have a conversation with someone constantly thumbing a text message.

One of my daughters has been using Dragon lately, only when alone because of the stares. When that really catches on I might consider investing in old-foggie ear plugs.

I'm not that computer illiterate. I understand much of the technology. I've written code for specific applications (certainly not a programer). I have a computer, two actually, it is an excellent tool. Also, I don't have so much as a cell phone or facebook account. I hear the birds singing. I see what is happening around me. You know, I don't think I'm missing that much.


The only error I saw:

...walked into on the sidewalk by a teenager who obviously could no't see me.


Wally
38
38
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)

Of course, you are right, but is there any way to change it?

I am afraid that the average voting American is swayed by the last bit of spin by the weavers of neo-reality. Most certainly we could change but to do so would require actually getting involved, to fact check, to think.

$2 billion? I don't have a particular problem with that, assuming that it is coming out of consenting individuals' pockets. Recently the president made a stop in Athens Ohio. According to city officials that stop cost the city $10,000 in added security and other costs. I have no idea whether this estimate is accurate but assuming some cost was incurred it is not an amount I (a tax payer) have included in my budget.


Just a couple of things to look at:

...has to wonder if it's it worth in the long run.

It sems that most of the money is spent...


Wally
39
39
Review of Flash  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)

Nicely written short story. I enjoyed reading it.



A few things I noticed:


...catapulted him at speed out and away towards the earth. (I would capatilize Earth even with "the" before it.)

A grown and then a sigh, issued... (grown - groan)

"What are you doing back their? (their - there)



...in a geosynchronous orbit around the Earth...

"How far away from the ship is he now?"

"He’s just over 750 meters and increasing...

...will strike the upper atmosphere in just over two hours and twenty minutes.

Geosynchronous orbit is something over 22,000 miles. Acceleration, velocity and time just doesn't work out. I would move him somewhat closer.



From the center on I wondered what the ending might be. Would there be a miraculous save? Good down-to-Earth story. Forgive me, I couldn't help myself.


Wallly
40
40
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)


I read and enjoyed your story. A bit Orwellian, but then are we far from this future. Some places and we could be reading about the present.

As with most of my reviews, I make few comments about the story. It is here for everyone to read.



A few questions, comments and suggestions:

Three years ago, he had been laying on a straw mattress. (suggest lying)

...she was drenched in sweat, and as cross as a old mule. (as an old)

When Kauf saw the lamp (badly dented and cracked with electrical wires sticking out and sparking), he laughed, and she knew that he had figured everything out. (Why would the electrical wires be sparking?)



In fact, she found his personality rather pleasant, and uplifting. (Seems to be rather bland reasons for someone she could fall in love with.)



Kaia made him promise that he wouldn't get himself jailed or killed.
Kauf wouldn't promise anything. (Maybe she only tried to make him promise.)


“You promised me, Kauf, you promised me you wouldn't get jailed or killed, and I-”
“I didn't pro-” (By changing the above to:

Kaia tried to make him promise that he wouldn't get himself jailed or killed.
AND deleting: Kauf wouldn't promise anything., these lines work.)

The prisons were full of barefeet and dreams of a better future, trapped within stone walls. (Outside it is against the law to go barefoot, though it seems the law is not enforced. Would the law not be enforced in prison?)



It was so dark in the cell, he often wondered if his eyes were opened or closed.

He had been strategically placed in his room, a room with one window facing Southward. From his room he could see the work that had gotten him imprisoned. (Conflicting statements.)


I do wonder why his message would be left to be read. I would think the first order of business would be to remove it.




Wally
41
41
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, OK. All I can say is that I got a real kick out of this piece.

I sometimes wonder why there is so little response to totally illogical diatribes in our newspapers or other media, but then realize that to do so serves no purpose. Reason works only with reasonable people. Many will continue to run up the down escalator.

Wally
42
42
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)

Some I remember, some I don't. But back then we only got one good TV signal, if it wasn't on NBC I probably never saw it. I always liked "The Man from Uncle" and "77 Sunset Strip."

How about "Gunsmoke?" Never saw that one at all until satellite TV. I wonder if thirty years from now they'll be showing repeats of the tripe their producing now.



...do I just remember it with a sense of over fondness. (For your consideration only: Should it be "over-fondness?" It seems to be a particular state of mind.)

...when my parents could leave me alone with the channel selection... (selection? Should this be "selector?")

Cannonball -- This show followed the adventures of two truck drivers as they traveled the roads and dealth with family issues. (Just an extra "h.")

The neurosurgeon who was always angry, and almost always right. ? (Don't understand the question mark.)


Thoroughly enjoyed your little essay.

Wally
43
43
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

Welcome to WDC.



Source: Wikipedia

I pledge allegiance to my Flag and the Republic for which it stands, one nation indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Written by Francis Bellamy. First used in public schools in 1892.


It has undergone a number of changes. The history is quite interesting.


I have no problem reciting the Pledge as currently written; I've done so all my life. I do pledge allegiance to the United States of America and, as a symbol of this great country, the flag.

I also believe in the constitution and the freedoms for all people of this nation.

One of those most sacred is freedom of speech. By extension, that same freedom gives us the right to not speak as a form of expression. It would be better for parents to teach their children their values, including religion, than attempting, by their actions, for the few to rule the many. The problem is, and it is not new, that there are a number of people, in any community, who cannot understand the concept of "of the people, by the people and for the people."


A few things I noticed:

These words seem to stur up such a debate today... (stur - stir)

It is sad how I must sit back and watch this nation fall apart and forget it's beliefs and the people who helped build this great nation. (This is a tough call. "forget it's" Is "it's" a contraction or a typo? It is sad how I must sit back and watch this nation fall apart and forget the nation's beliefs and the people who helped build this great nation. - It is sad how I must sit back and watch this nation fall apart and forget it is the beliefs of the people who wrote the constitution and the people who helped build this great nation.)

To me it seems to say:

It is sad how I must sit back and watch this nation fall apart and forget the beliefs of the people who helped build this great nation.



Now I am not saying I don't respect other cultures and religions. I respect other religions and cultures. (Now - Although it could be seen as a more informal way of connecting with the reader I would probably omit it.) (Even though the order is switched, it simply repeats.) I am not saying I don't respect other cultures and religions; I do.

I mean, I like some things about Japanese culture. (I mean - Same note as above for "Now." It is only used once so the hairs aren't standing up on the back of my neck...yet. It is a habit afflicting many TV commentators, starting every other sentence with "I mean.")


Too everyone who has read this article, thankyou for taking the time to read this. (Too - To) (thankyou)


Interesting piece. Glad I read it.


Wally
44
44
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)
Revelation from the Concealed
by: AnarchoStar

First, welcome to WDC.


The Journal Entry section:

It is pretty plain to see from the rest that the lack of paragraph definition is intentional, to separate, in style, from the rest. It makes reading more difficult. Although I prefer a line space, when reading from a monitor, perhaps you could indent or maybe make the section italics to set it off.


Please find enclosed this initial letter, one Incident Report, one Coroners Report, one journal, and one summary letter.

As you can see in the Coroner’s Report, Mr Bolitho was not human.

There is no Coroners Report. You really can't send Minister Gillison the Coroners Report before he receives this letter, so that's out. I might make mention of the preliminary findings in the letter and promise the completed report when it is finished. Otherwise you need to include the report, which I would think akin to reading the phone book for most readers.


My Johnston had arrived for work and called on the farm owner (one John Bolitho) before he started... (My Johnson)

This reptilian race were cut off from the main landmasses where their much larger... (race were)


Normally I believe authors give us the story they want to tell. I seldom ask for more, and I am not doing so now; it's just that I think the Journal Section makes for an interesting outline of a much larger story. No suggestion, just comment.


You say this is your first story, well, I think you created an interesting tale.

Wally
45
45
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)

Interesting read.

I believe that the Universe and everything in it was created this morning just as I woke up. There were no dinosaurs, only millions-of-years-old dinosaur bones created this morning. Likewise for coal and oil. The stars, separated by millions of light-years, sparked to life in an instant. History, books, our memories, the internet, all created only 18 hours ago. An all knowing, all powerful creator should certainly be able to accomplish this. The only question is why would he bother? It is either that or we must accept the overwhelming evidence of evolution.

Still, I don't see why Evolution and Creationism are exclusive. The story of Adam and Eve is often brought up as proof that a viable human race could not be possible with such a limited gene pool. Where did Cain find a wife? I am certainly no expert on the Bible, but this a story written by an ancient author mostly about the introduction of sin. Simply because the author didn't write about Fred and Wilma or Barney and Betty does not mean they weren't also around.

I am not disagreeing with you. Logically, there must have been an Adam and Eve, the first of our kind to understand right from wrong. Were they the first to ascend from ape to human? Probably.

One thing that can not be overlooked by those who would deny the existence of God is life. Modern science and technology may be able to build an amoeba, but they cannot make it live.



...bishop in the late 19th century "calculated" that the Earth, according to the Bible, was in and around 6000 years old.

The United States are currently instituting... (I maintain that the United States is singular.)


Wally
46
46
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
It took some time before I realized that I am a senior citizen. It was only after waitresses started calling me "Sweety" and asking if I wanted the senior discount that I started to think that maybe my mirror wasn't lying to me. Funny, if I stay away from mirrors and restaurants I'm just fine.

I imagine that, with the likely content of his regular mail, spam is a breath of fresh air for Senator Reid.

I can't disagree with anything you've said, although the font is yelling at me. But maybe you are yelling.

Wally
47
47
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

We don't always have to be at each other's throats, do we? Sometimes, let's just have a little fun.

I have to admit I got a kick out of your story.



Half will ascertain the objective while the other half will destroy any electronic evidence of the President’s socialist plot to destroy the American spirit. (Hmmm, why would they destroy this evidence? Wouldn't it prove Obama to be the socialist the GOP says he is?)

They will then rappel down into the main atrium where they will have to avoid stepping on booby-trapped tiles that activate poison dart mechanisms. (Ahah, I knew the Obama administration was deploying these lethal systems.)

Michele Bachmann and botox? (Are you sure this isn't another politician. Maybe beginning with an N and ending with a Pelosi.)

OK. We don't have the same political beliefs, but I found your tale funny. I think you got in nearly everything from Ocean's Eleven to Indiana Jones.

Thanks for the chuckle.

Wally

I very rarely plug my work, but you might check out "The Kid" and "Economic Stimulus" for a little different POV.
48
48
Review of Ice cream night  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Nice story. Some of our most memorable experiences come not from planning, but almost by accident. Like good wine fond memories only get better with age.


While much of the following may be seen as nothing more than a difference in style I try to include my reasoning with each comment. In the end these are simply my opinions. Only you know how to write your story.



But there are nights like tonight that the hubby wants to just get out of the house, especially when the weather is hot. Tonight was one of those nights, what we had planned was not what we had in store.

But there are nights like tonight… / Tonight was one of those nights… (redundant)

…what we had planned was not what we had in store. (Seems to be out of order since it comes before what is normal. The last sentence “Little did I know…” negates the need for the phrase. To be clearer it would be more like: …what we had planned was not what was in store for us. This is somewhat clumsy and you did get the ice cream. I would not include it.)

Normally, my hubby and me would go for a motorcycle ride…
Normally, my hubby would go for a motorcycle ride…
Normally, me would go for a motorcycle ride…
Normally, my hubby and I would go for a motorcycle ride…

Rather minor point: Normal and normally are not used often so when both appear in the same paragraph they stick out just a tad. I would change one.

Actually, I would change it to: Usually, we would go for a motorcycle ride… (Hubby is used a lot. I would change "hubby and I" to "we" in this spot.)

School nights / there are nights / those nights / tonight (I would try to mix it up a little, not use as many nights.)

Only an example:

Normal school nights, we have homework, dinner, then it’s bath time. But there are evenings that the hubby just wants to get out of the house, especially when the weather is hot. Tonight was one of those nights. Usually, we would go for a motorcycle ride or take the vette out to the country, however, on this night, I wanted ice cream, to be specific, a banana split. Little did I know this was one banana split that I would be talking about for days.


… they are totally grown and out of the house, well all but the little one who is only seven but the other two seventeen and fifteen are slipping out of our hands… (I would remove the first “but” and "all." There is the little one and the other two.)

… they are totally grown and out of the house, well, the little one is only seven, but the other two, seventeen and fifteen, are slipping out of our hands…


Only did we remember why we don’t take all the girls at once to do anything together after we were almost there. (I got a little lost in this sentence.)

We were almost there before we remembered why we don’t take all the girls at once to do anything together. (We and all the girls implies togetherness. I would leave out "together" but maybe that's just me.)


“Yea this was a great idea!” (“Yeah, this was a great idea!”) Note *1,*2

…acting like they would never be any more then strangers… (any more than strangers) Note *1

‘Yea this was a great idea!’ was the last thing the girls heard… (Yea – Yeah) Note *1,*2

(yea best age to me) (This seems to be "yeah" but could, I guess, be "yay.") Note *1,*2


The laughter and light heartiness of the simple trip to the DQ on a March night on the porch turned out to be magical.
(light heartiness? Do you mean "lightheartedness?") (...the simple trip to the DQ on the porch... Seems to say: The laughter and lightheartedness of the simple trip to the DQ on a March night and later on the porch turned out to be magical.)


Note *1 - (Borrowed from Stephanie Grace's April 11 Noticing Newbies newsletter: Glitches and Twitches)

Yea is the opposite of nay and represents a positive or supportive (yes) vote.
Yeah is a friendly, informal way of saying 'yes'. It is pronounced as y-AH (Pretend you're a New Yorker and just say pair, rare, care, etc... That's how you say 'yeah').
Yay is used to express excitement or in such phrase as 'I was yay big at the time'.

Then: This refers to TIME and time only. We had ice cream and then Matt threw up on Joe.
Than: This compares two things. I am smarter than Matt. That shirt is brighter than the sun. Joe's puke smelled worse than Matt's sweaty T-shirt.


Note *2

While I know what you mean and by definition "yea" can be used, I think Stephanie makes good points.
More formally: "Yes, I am OK with that."
Less formally: "Yeah, I'm OK with that." I hear: "Yeh," not "Yaa."



Doggone, it's been a long time since I've had a banana split. Come to think of it, it was at a DQ, when my girls were little.


Thanks for the read.

Wally
49
49
Review of Survivor  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nicely done.


Snakes and Slithadons, never make the mistake of thinking there is only one.


Its tongue flickered, as sensors worked to pinpoint the source of its annoyance.

A rather small point. Sensors suggest something mechanical in nature. Since that is clearly not the case I would go with something like:

Its tongue flicked, tasting the air to pinpoint the source of its annoyance.


Great descriptions. Well written. Glad I read your story.


Wally
50
50
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)
Pink slime? The name alone would probably put an end to the additive.

I don't know where the name originated, but probably a lot of the additives in our food would turn stomachs with similar names.

It seems to go a little off course with Freddie and Fannie. Not that it is not important, but it comes off more as a lie, by Brownback, than a connection between Governor Brownback and the corporations and their connections to his political career. (Note: I don't know anything about the governor.) Same notation about illegal aliens. If illegals are involved in the "pink slime industry" then more is needed.



A few things I noticed:

...laying off loyal American citizens and replacing them with illegal’s from other countries.
...large sums of money by replacing American’s with illegal aliens.
These Corporations make large sums of money by replacing American’s with illegal aliens.

Illegals, Americans and Americans are all plural, not possessive or contractions. Remove the apostrophes.


...assure the general public that the filler was safe which I’m sure it probably is, but what about the quality of the product?

I would add a comma after safe. ...assure the general public that the filler was safe, which I’m sure it probably is, but what about the quality of the product?


As always, only my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
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