*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wally1950/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
Review Requests: OFF
615 Public Reviews Given
907 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 -3- 4 5 6 7 8 9 ... Next
51
51
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (3.5)
First off. Welcome to WDC. Glad to have you.

Overall, I can agree with your commentary. We, the United States, have meddled in other countries' affairs, sometimes for humanitarian concerns, sometimes, maybe many times, not.

I can only give you my opinions of the writing. Really, how you want to say it is up to you. Below, you'll find my reactions. Please make of them what you will.



Many debate whether United States intervention has had a positive impact on the international society. United States intervention has had little positive affect on the world because it has put tyrants into power, has limited the self governing power of foreign nations, and has increased the world arms race.

Many debate whether United States intervention is good or bad, but then you present only one view. I would either include both views, with logical assertions, or tell the reader that it is my view that such intervention has had little positive impact.



To begin with, United States intervention has hurt the world because it has put tyrants into power. In 1959, Cuba’s government was challenged by a military coup that was lead by Fidel Castro (Montaner 61). The United States cut off its foreign aid to Fulgencio Batista’s regime (61). The United States refused to back the regime, eventually sending it into exile (62).

I really don't know what Montaner61, 61 and 62 mean. I suppose they are references to Ramonet, Ignacio, and Carlos Alberto Montaner. They get in the way. If these are all a distinct reference why not simply show something like *1.

To begin with, United States intervention has hurt the world because it has put tyrants into power. In 1959, Cuba’s government was challenged by a military coup that was lead by Fidel Castro. The United States cut off its foreign aid to Fulgencio Batista’s regime. The United States refused to back the regime, eventually sending it into exile (*1).

All that's require is that you acknowledge the work others have done. You've done your duty. Put the reference material in numerical order corresponding to the included reference. Don't force the reader to ponder over obscure information. If they really want to know more, or check your facts, all they have to do is read.



Something went wrong with the formatting. Some sentences are fragged. A few other points.

Although United States intervention has limited the self-governing power of the world, the United States has increased the world arms race. After the United States put Fidel Castro into power, the communist country became a Soviet ally (Shapiro). Given both its geographic and political status as an ally to the Soviet Union during the Cold War and being about 90 miles off the coast of Florida, Cuba became a place that the

United States closely monitored the island for the importation of intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBM's) and other weapons (Shapiro). America then had to defend its people from these

missiles and develop new weapons, greater increasing the race for the best weapon

technology. The most famous encounter with the Soviets sending missiles fro Cuba is

the Cuban Missile Crisis in which the Soviets had armed and pointed nuclear missiles at...



Cuba became a place that the United States closely monitored the island for the importation...(?)

...missiles and develop new weapons, greater increasing the race for the best weapon... (greater - greatly)

The most famous encounter with the Soviets sending missiles fro Cuba is... (fro?)


Wally
52
52
Review of Humanity  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (2.5)
I believe I catch your drift. I must admit I had more than a few problems. A great deal of editing is in order.


One day a young man not far in life sat and thought too himself why? Why is life so easy yet so hard? Why is it everything's the exact same but slightly different? Why do I have these thoughts? Am I loosing my mind? Doing whatever I please is easy doing what others want is not why? Its an interesting thing even if you just do what you want, life is mediocre because even if your doing everything you want its exactly like doing nothing exciting for a moment then it passes along with some chemicals, no matter where you go its all the same. Whether your an adrenaline junky a drug addict or someone who over indulges in food or sex everyone's the exact same and slightly different.


How can something be exactly the same but slightly different?


A little different version. This is the way I might write the article, that is, if I could. I can't. It is yours to write as you wish.

One day a young man, not far in life, sat and thought to himself, why? Why is life so easy, yet so hard? Why is it that everything, at first, seems exactly the same, but when we really focus on it, we find it slightly different? Why do I have these thoughts? Am I losing my mind? Doing whatever I please is easy, doing what others want is not, why? It's an interesting thing, even if you just do what you want, life is mediocre because even if you're doing everything you want it's exactly like doing nothing exciting, for a moment, then it passes along with some chemicals, no matter where you go it's all the same. Whether you're an adrenaline junky, a drug addict or someone who over indulges in food or sex, everyone's the same, only slightly different.

(Be careful not to use two many toos.) - One thing that really stands out is the word "too." Try substituting "also." I think you'll see what I mean.

Your article is one long paragraph. Break it up into paragraphs of not more than seven or eight lines. It will be much easier to read. Find the most natural spots.

No matter how profound the statement, first you have to entice the reader to get to the bottom of the page.

My opinions, nothing more.

Wally
53
53
Review of Hozho  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hozho

I like it. Your descriptions took me, for a few moments, out of my world and into yours.

At times we find our most pleasurable experiences. not in glitz or grandeur, but in such simple things as a sunset.

Nicely done. There is nothing I could say to improve the piece. I like it just the way it is.

Wally
54
54
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
The Reality of Global Warming


I read your article with great interest. I am certainly uncertain about whether Earth is indeed warming. It has done so in the past and is also likely to do so in the future. It has also cooled. Just as all components of a system affect that system, then humans surely affect Earth's ecosystem. The question is, could we really make an impact by attempting to change the shift. At what cost?



Some time ago I posted an article on global warming.

I started the article with the following from a 1975 Newsweek article on global cooling.

Global Climate Change

There are ominous signs that the Earth’s weather patterns have begun to change dramatically and that these changes may portend a drastic decline in food production – with serious political implications for just about every nation on Earth. The drop in food output could begin quite soon, perhaps only 10 years from now. The regions destined to feel its impact are the great wheat-producing lands of Canada and the U.S.S.R. in the North, along with a number of marginally self-sufficient tropical areas – parts of India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Indochina and Indonesia – where the growing season is dependent upon the rains brought by the monsoon.

Read the complete Newsweek article at: www.denisdutton.com/cooling_world.htm. You might find it interesting.


When politics masquerades as science we lose.

Wally
55
55
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)
Such is the colossal size of their collective ego, it has never occurred to the industrial drivers that the capacity for their system to keep expanding has much less to do with their fabulous talent and innovative ability, than nature’s and human society’s capacity to absorb ever more pressure and damage.

A definitive statement on humanity. We blame the evil corporations while gladly contributing to their gluttony. A bigger house, a fancier car, more and more and more, it never ends. The drug supplier has blood on his hands, but aren't we ultimately responsible for our addictions?

There is nothing I can see as a way to improve your article. Well done.

Wally
56
56
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Intro to An Atheist Reads the Bible


I thought you got your point of view across. It doesn't matter whether I agree or disagree. I try, usually succeeding, to not include my opinion of an opinion, but review on the effectiveness of the piece.



To silence those who wish to shove their views on god into the classroom and into the bedroom.

This is one thing I must disagree with.

Once, I was a union steward. We were on strike and at the time setting up for a meeting for the membership to vote on accepting a new contract. Like all contracts, give and take is a part of the process. There was concern that the contract would be turned down. Someone asked what we would do if someone spoke up against accepting it. The answer, by our president, was, "We'll shout them down." Instantly, I lost all respect for the man.

Logic and reason gave way to silencing opposing points of view. Thirty years later I still remember, "We'll shout them down."



At first glance it seems there are very long paragraphs.

After a little study I believe that some formatting has been lost when pasting the article. From what I can tell, "Like a flash I fell in love with philosophy..." begins a new paragraph. Giving benefit of the doubt, there were probably indents at the beginning of each paragraph. After pasting a little editing should be done.

I would suggest shortening he paragraphs to not more than 7 or 8 lines; find the most natural breaks. It is easier to read. Another suggestion: I, and I believe many, prefer a line space between paragraphs; it is simply easier to read on a monitor.


a god - God

There a few places where God should be capitalized when used as a proper name.


new testament - New Testament


I tried to seize the simple-happiness that comes to (from) seeing a thirteen year old dog almost tear...


And how beautiful the world looked from my new eyes.
And that's where I am today.
And that is what more or less what this project is about. (2 whats - That is what, more or less, this project is about. - That is more or less what this project is about.)

And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.
And Joseph also went up from Galilee...
And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished...
And she brought forth her firstborn son...

I believe that starting a sentence with "And" can, at times, add meaning, but would suggest doing it very sparingly and only if it adds that little something extra.


Instead I took to my own studies and began researching philosophy and science, the former being my eventual downfall from faith.

Former what? Downfall?

Instead, I took to my own studies, researching philosophy and science, eventually turning from religious faith.
Instead, I took to my own studies, researching philosophy and science, eventually turning away from Christianity.
Instead, I took to researching philosophy and science, and eventually turned away from Christianity.

How you say it is up to you. Putting an idea on paper is the easy part. Finding that perfect word or phrase, well, that's the hard part.

Wally
57
57
Review of Common Cents  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (3.0)
Common Cents

We write of many things. Some just flow from our thoughts at any given minute. We can be passionate in our beliefs, but it generally takes a cold, logical, impassionate editing to put those beliefs into words that can sway the reader.


The first thing I noticed is the long continuous paragraph. It is difficult to read; I would attempt to break it up into paragraphs of not more than 7 or 8 lines. Look for natural places to break it up.

A few misspelled words, a missing word or two and a little trouble with singulars and plurals.

Due to the short length of the piece, trying to fully explain by way of example, I include your article. I have changed a few phrases or words. Please accept that I am not trying to re-write you; I can't. It is your story. You are the only one who knows how to tell it. Only for your consideration: (changes in red)


Over the past few years I have really gotten into politics. After researching online, watching the news, and reading some books, I have realized that fixing the state of our union really has nothing to do with politics at all. In fact, we all know the difference between right and wrong and I think by now we realize that what is happening in Washington is wrong.

Over 200 years ago, our forefathers fought to gain our freedom and now we are sitting back and watching as our great nation dissolves from the inside out. Well, I, for one, am tired of sitting idly by, watching the politicians in Washington and the wealthy citizens of the United States feast on the misfortune of others and do what is best for their political agendas while the middle and lower-class Americans feed on leftover scraps.

Times have changed. It is not about being a Republican or Democrat at this point; it is about returning America to what it once was, a nation by the people and for the people. It is about realizing that the “American Dream” has now become a nightmare thanks to politicians who think that they have to write million-page laws in order to help everyone except for the people who voted them into office.

We need to make Washington realize that every law they write has consequences and lately all of them have had a negative effect on the nation as a whole. We should not have to give up any more of our freedoms or capital in order to fix the mess that they have bestowed upon us. My generation and generations to come have already been burdened with 13 trillion dollars of debt that the government expects back in order to solve our national debt. Our forefathers are turning in their graves because of the current state of our once great nation. (Unsure of the word “capital.” Is this possibly “wealth” or “fortunes?” With the title "Common Cents" it would seem to be.) (I inserted "current" here and removed it later. Only an opinion.)

Although I am angry about what our nation has become, I do not wish to fix this problem with violence. I think Glenn Beck said it best, “Thomas Paine and fellow revolutionaries shed their blood so that future generations would have access to weapons immeasurably stronger than muskets or bayonets: the weapon of democracy.” (Unsure if this is Beck’s direct quote. If so then it should not be changed. If not, weapons and weapon. …future generations would have access to a weapon…) (…about the current state of our nation… I would re-word to avoid using current state twice so close together.) (Whether you use “about the current state of our nation” or “what our nation has become” it is singular. “these problems” should change to “this problem.”)

We all need to make a stand and show that we are not going to take anymore of the lies and deceit from Washington and that we are going to take back OUR nation and inject a good healthy dose of common sense into America and rid this great nation of the politicians that are infected with greed and corruption. (gonna – If you believe “gonna” adds something to the piece then use it. In an informational article I would prefer to not use contractions or slang. At the least, I would probably put the word in italics.)





I would have liked to have seen an example or two of the lies and deceit. How have greed and corruption infected our politicians? Maybe I am angry also. Maybe I am thoroughly satisfied with things just the way they are. Should I redouble my efforts to "throw the bums out," or should I rethink my "I got mine" position? You know, I can't say I was moved one way or the other.


Wally
58
58
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
This is one that I nearly by-passed. Ridiculous to make a comment, but re-considered.

I seldom make remarks on opinions of others. Everyone is entitled to their own. This is the first time I have commented solely on the content.

I would hope that no one is so gullible as to take your opinion to heart, but then, there are those emails I receive from outraged individuals, about things that have no basis in truth, and they never take the time to investigate. Is this what it has come to?

Yes, I looked for the source of your definition, whether you or someone else made it up. Maybe that was your intention.

If your piece had one redeeming quality, if it caused people to realized that they should not take everything said at face value, then possibly I could see a reason for writing it. I saw nothing.

Yes, you may be the only one who finds this amusing, unless you consider a bunch of twelve year boys telling dirty jokes under the bleachers.

Wally
59
59
Review of A VIEW ON REVIEWS  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)
Heh, heh.

I got a 251 character review once that went something like: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!sorry about that. i need the gps

I won't go over the 250. By the way, that reviewer is no longer a member. Wonder why?

Wally
60
60
Review of Nothing  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)
Creepy as the childhood monster under the bed.

But there seems to be much more in this excellent little piece. There really is that something waiting, biding its time.

Is it waiting for me? Or am I waiting for it? (Your line. Don't know exactly why, but seems to sum it up for me.)

Very nicely done.

Wally
61
61
Review of Knock Knock  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well written. The one sided dialog really speeds up the story. Even though we never get to hear the second character's actual words you leave only the minor details in question. The format works in this story.

You kept me wondering from the beginning what is going to happen.

Angus?
Shh. Not now.

Ah, yes. Something sinister this way comes.



Only a couple questions and comments:

I know the place is thrashed... (thrashed?)

Find everything alright? (alright - OK, it's all right by me, just unconventional.)

When I first got him as pup he just stood there... (as pup)


Angus?
Yeah, Seumas?

Only for consideration: Clearly Seumas has a question to ask of Angus. (Angus?) Angus replies, "Yeah, Seumas?" In everyday speech I am most likely to answer in the affirmative with "Yeah," as with most of the people, especially men, do where I live. It is also clear that "Yeah, Seumas?" says "Yes I am listening, Seumas, what is your question?" I found myself asking would I say "yeah" or "yes" in a similar conversation and trying to remember from past conversations.

Angus?
Yeah?

Angus?
Yes?

Angus?
Yes, Seumas?

I would go with "Yes," but that may only be my preference.


I think "those words" to "these words" works really well.

Good story. I enjoyed reading it. I'll be back for more.


Certainly nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Wally
62
62
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I think you made your point.

Presumption of innocence is a myth. Once the bell of accusation has been rung it can never be completely quieted. Is Sandusky guility? I believe so, but what if he is not? Should Paterno have taken additional steps on second hand knowledge? Would I have? I would like to think so, but how often do we see or hear disturbing things and not act, many times simply because with such action comes the presumption of guilt. Paterno should be held to a higher standard, as should any person of authority, but I'm not willing to pick up a stone.



A few error examples:

...with worry about the psyche's of the innocents. (psyches of the innocents - OR - innocents' psyches)

I have come to realize our justice system doesnot rely on... (doesnot)

judgements (judgments)

consquences (consequences)

...guilty and convicted of another mans' serial... (mans' - man's)

...protecting the Sandusky's and their rights... (Sandusky's - Sanduskys)



Why do the little things make a difference? This morning I read an article by a local Sports Writer. The first line:

When I was growing up, my grandfather regularly brought my three sisters and I cereal when he came to visit.

When I was growing up, my grandfather regularly brought my three sisters cereal when he came to visit.
When I was growing up, my grandfather regularly brought I cereal when he came to visit.

Everyone makes mistakes, but the last thing any author wants is for the story (article) to be muddied by common writing errors. Your article is good; you make your point. It just needs a little editing.



Only my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
63
63
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice story and a little education about mules.




Only a couple comments:

He was on his feet without the coordination of a horse foal. Being the hybrid of a horse mother and donkey father, somehow the mule’s nervous system is better developed. (The first sentence implies the horse foal's coordination is better than the mule's. The second says the opposite. Incoordination, in-coordination and un-coordination are rather ugly words and in some references aren't words at all. Suggest something like: He was on his feet without the lack of coordination of a horse foal.)

After getting Buckshotfilled out again... (Just a typo.)

Nicely written, upbeat little story. Thanks for writing it and thanks for CountryGranny recommending it.

Only my opinions; please make of them what you will.

Wally
64
64
Review of Interpret This!!  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)
I agree. The constitution is under attack, usually under the premise that it was written in a time far different from our own. It is true that times have changed, but in many ways the dangers we face are greater than those of colonial times.



Watch for the missed key:

Not all restrictions currently in effect infringe on our right to ear arms... (ear - bear)

To illustrate this point we can utilize a widespread idea held by a group of people known for their strong support of gum restrictions. (gum - gun)


The government has begun to infringe upon our rights. More specifically, the right to bear arms is being infringed upon.

I would try to avoid repeating words and phrases in such close proximity. Possibly: The government has begun to infringe upon our rights, more specifically, the right to bear arms. - OR - Re-write one of the sentences.


Long paragraphs make for more difficult reading. I would try to limit paragraphs to around seven lines or less.

Is it possible that the government recently has begun to violate this basic right? The answer to this question is yes. The government has begun to infringe...

It would seem that a natural break could be made after right?

Is it possible that the government recently has begun to violate this basic right?

The answer to this question is yes. The government has begun to infringe...


Overall: I enjoyed reading your essay.


Certainly, nothing more than my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
65
65
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
I noticed your article in Oct's Sci-Fi news letter.


Other than a few small typos I found few problems. Example:

Below freezing temperatures mean precipitation that falls will wall as snow or ice rather than rain. (that falls will wall)



Thus melting of ice caps could indicate an increase in heat circulation to polar areas rather than an increase in the amount of heat energy on earth.

Good observation. Melting ice caps are almost always given as proof of humanity causing global warming by introducing greenhouse gases into the atmosphere. This one line suggests that the earth's environment is so complex that our understanding of cause and effect is far from complete. A sailing ship must change the natural course of the wind and in turn cause a course change in sea current, however small. To dismiss all possibilities in favor of one politically motivated solution is not science.

As any one thing is connected to all other things, then yes, humans do impact the world. If indeed that change is for the worst, can we really fix it? At what cost? Do we make things worse by ignoring everything that doesn't fit our beliefs? What environmental impact from a sea of wind generators?

Really, a great piece of logic. A well written, informational, commonsense article. Glad I read it.

Wally
66
66
Review of Human Progress  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)
The one thing I am sure of though, and I am confident in, is that we the people are too many for any government, corporation to control.

Are you sure? As a part of a shrinking minority, I wonder. I carry no iPhone, iPad or any other iThing while it seems that most around me are already constantly plugged in. How many would accept implanted iEars and iEyes?



Albert Einstein once said... (Take a look at the punctuation. I believe this should be two sentences.)

I found your article interesting. Who knows? You may be right.

Wally
67
67
Review of The last goodbye  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)
The last goodbye
by Leila



Guilt and sorrow at all those things we should have done and said. Acceptance sometimes doesn't come easy.

Writing styles vary. I try to avoid comments concerning differences in the way I might write something compared to the author. It is your story. I can't tell it. I found the story easily readable.

A few questions, comments and suggestions:


Head's wound bleeds a lot. (This seems to mean: Head wounds bleed a lot.)

...hit by a car whilst ridding his bike. (ridding - riding)

I couldn't see my own face, but I must have been starring wide eyed those strangers coming and going. (starring - staring) (wide eyed at those)

No work, you get days-off when a close relative dies. (Probably - days off - no hyphen)

Tears felt from many eyes, but mine remained dry. (Uncertain. Felt - fell)




Denial, an old albeit healthy man couldn't die, but he did, two hours later. (Order seems reversed. As written: An old man, even though he is healthy, cannot die.)


...even my relatives but the closest were strangers for me. (For consideration only. But is used instead of except. I think "except" works better here.)

I was introduced over, and over again, most of them strangers for me. Having lived most of my life far away, in a part of the country where the day length changed little over the year, where the summer was hot and the winter non-existent, even my relatives but the closest were strangers for me.

strangers for me - phrase used twice

What does the length of day, summer heat and non-existent winter have to do with it?

Maybe something like:

I was introduced over and over again. Having lived most of my life far away, these people, except my closest relatives, were strangers to me.



I wonder why your mother needs to tell you that your grandpa was a school principal and minister.


Nothing more than my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
68
68
Review of Please Call Me  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked this article.

The analogy was very fitting and you made good use of it, tying it back in at the end.

One disadvantage the U.S. president has that the president of R&R Round House didn't have was the insistence of the constitution that one arm of the government could not act independently (excepted instances noted). A pretty good idea I believe.

Obama is no Roosevelt, Kennedy or even Truman. I'm not letting Congress off the hook either. All seem to view governance as "do anything possible to blame the other side" rather than work to find real solutions.

Our political views differ, I'll vote for any Republican running against Obama (well, maybe not a few of them), but that has nothing to do with the quality of your Editorial. Good job.

Wally
69
69
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A Matter of Corruption
by Bikerider




Well written. I really enjoyed this story.

Quick, crisp writing. The style fits nicely with the time period.

Great character names.


"You'd better not be telling us no lies, now." Angus threatened. (The name along with this line gives me a perfect picture of Angus, even if it is not the same picture as everyone else sees.)


A couple of things you might want to look at:

On the night of July 15, 1912, following meeting with Whitman, Rosenthal went... (following a meeting)

"Well, we never shared in any of the money, that's right enough," said Angus, "So why should be care?" ("So why should we care?") (for consideration only: Angus said instead of said Angus.)

Nicely done.

Wally
70
70
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (3.5)
Media Literacy Activity
by UniqueProtege

I agree. It is increasingly difficult to separate real news from biased opinion.


Questions, comments and suggestions:

A few examples, things that caught my eye:

Jon Steward?

His name is Jon Stewart. (born Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz) Critics say Stewart benefits from a double standard: he critiques other news shows from the safe, removed position of his "fake news" desk. Stewart agrees, saying that neither his show nor his channel purports to be anything other than satire and comedy. (source: Wikipedia)

Stewart is a comedian and floods are not funny. There is almost nothing for him to work with.


...one was very interesting to me cause it involved... (cause - because - I would not use cause as a substitute for because outside of dialog or narrative and then with an apostrophe. "Why'd you go and shoot me in the leg, Clem?" "Just 'cause I wanted to, Jubal.")

...allowed me to watch a show i've never seen. (i've - I've) (You have seen the show at least once. - ...allowed me to watch a show I had never seen before.)

The point he touched one was obvious to everyone... (touched one - touched on)

...felt that Jon steward... (steward - Steward) (Stewart)

...the audio turned down so we could mostly here him... (here - hear)


Your line:
Rather you choose to report it live or just write a story, take pride in presenting it to the world.

We all have different styles. We use different words to present our stories and opinions. Isn't it great. How dreary it would be if we all wrote the same lines.

Yes. Take pride in presenting it to the world. There is nothing wrong with your essay that a little editing wouldn't fix. Take care of the little things.

Whether you choose to report it live or just write a story, take pride in presenting it to the world.


Only my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
71
71
Review of Illicit Love  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (5.0)
Illicit Love
by Roxanne
(For the So Bad It's Good Contest.)


What can I say. This was terrible.

At: “Michael, my love, did you receive the letter that I had sent to you in days previous?” Arabella inquired. Judging by his red face, which was like a beetroot, except not as dark and certainly not as edible, (thought Arabella had not tried either and therefore had no basis for comparison) Arabella quite accurately guessed that he had. - I was laughing so much I could barely read.

It started bad and got increasingly worse. I bet you had a blast writing it.

Wally
72
72
Review of A Rigged Game  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)
Same applies as to your story, "Eternity".

This one is a litter choppier. I would fill it in a little, but as a story it is original.

I might have made the lion a big yellow bird.

I suggest: I doubt this style will catch on in general. I would certainly keep this version in a safe place, but when going outside facebook I would try to be a little more conventional.

Again, only my opinions, please make of them what you will.

Since I haven't really offered anything new, please accept the return of your GPs.

Wally
73
73
Review of Eternity  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed reading your story. Imaginative.

I read your bio so I know why it is posted this way. This is well written and except for what you call chapter 5 I see little choppiness.

Only as a suggestion: Remove the chapter headings. Add a little more to the doctor's dialog. It seems that Dobbs could potentially live forever, but bedridden and in pain. Staying within the restraints is important, but when those restraints are removed open it up. It is a fine story.

Only my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
74
74
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A moment aboard a famous space ship.

The story is well written. I like the characters you have chosen. We already know so much about them that without telling us we can already see Spock at his science station and Kirk exiting the turbolift. That does pose a problem when the characters seem out of character.

I don't know if there is a word limit. If so, my suggestions would be difficult to incorporate into your story.

A few questions, comments and suggestions:

Captain Kick finds a mystery on the bridge (Kick)

“It smells like lavender and every planet in the Loran System smelled like lavender and old lace.” (...in the Loran System smelled like lavender... - ...in the Loran System smells like lavender...)

It wouldn’t send it back because the Loran Council has a reputation of getting pissed if their gifts are returned.” (It wouldn't be WHAT to send it back? Prudent? A good idea?)


Since this a story about already well defined characters I think I would make their dialog a little more Star Trekian.

Kirk arrives on the bridge and finds an ebony obelisk where his command chair should be.

“I presume, Jim,” Spock ambled to the commander’s side, “that someone teleported it here.” (Kirk is the captain, not commander.) (Although teleported is easily understood I would make this transported.) (Spock would not call the captain "Jim" unless he was under some emotional duress.)

“It may be logically assumed, Captain, that someone transported it here.”

Then there is the missing captain's chair. I would include this in the story. Possibly it is also the Loran's custom to receive a gift in exchange for giving a gift. "They stole my chair and gave me a rock!" Probably the last line would be from Kirk to Spock to have Mr. Scott get a new chair to the bridge.

To work really well this needs to read as the last 30 seconds of a Star Trek episode. It needs to show McCoy's illogical quip, Spock's raised eyebrow and Kirk's exasperation.

As always, only my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
75
75
Review of Aya  
Review by Wally Setter
Rated: E | (4.5)
A clear, crisp, well-written piece. Imaginative and fulfills the demands of the prompt.

I have little to offer in the way of constructive criticism with one exception to consider. After re-reading three times I am still left with the impression that the last paragraph should be written in present tense.

Only my opinions. Please make of them what you will.

Wally
207 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 9 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wally1950/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3